A NETFLIX SERIES
[theme music playing]
GRAVEDIGGA ON DUTY 24 HOURS A DAY 78 234 662
-[cat screeching] -[dog barking]
GRAVEDIGGA
[dance music playing]
[man blowing air]
♪ Be my queen I'll be your jack ♪
♪ When the king goes to work Then I'll bang you ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Li, li, li, li, li, li ♪
♪ Shubee-dubee, woobu-du ♪
[demon 1] Shit. Is this fucking corpse going to take him all freaking night?
How are we supposed to take this sinful soul?
The crowd grew so big after the accident that we couldn't do it.
Now this guy's been preparing him for four hours.
The dead guy isn't a groom.
[demon 2] Wait a moment.
-Got it! -Yeah?
Let's put on our game face and get to work.
We will take a gun and surprise him, let him know we aren’t fucking around.
Damn, Przemo, that's true. That's true.
Where are we going to get a pistol right now?
Don't worry, Błażej.
I just came up with a plan.
♪ Be my queen I will be your ace ♪
♪ I'll let you play with my… dog La, la, la, la ♪
-[indicator honking] -What in the devil is going on?
[honking continues]
If you crazy punks feel like messing around again, I'll rip you to shreds!
-If I catch you! -[door slams]
Eh…
That's correct. "Eh!"
[Przemo] Get your dick up, hand!
Wait, the other way around. Get your hands up, dick!
[whimpering] Um, what do you want?
Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you?
Wait a sec, that’s not a gun, that's for caulking.
You got that right.
Don't mess with me, because if I smack you with this thing,
I will cave your head in.
Don't worry, we'll take the soul and head out like no one was here.
Can't you get the soul out of a person through a different hole?
Oh, of course we can.
I got it.
Told ya. Great. Grab that hole and let's roll!
-Hold on, gentlemen… -I meant soul, not hole. Sorry.
All right. Is it just my imagination
or do you guys have a particular interest in dead people?
Of course we do. We get twenty zloty for every soul we take!
Though it has to be a soul of a sinner. However…
who isn't a sinner?
Only 10% of them get thrown out. I mean, to Heaven.
Well, I also get paid when someone dies.
I get paid to collect the deceased body.
So our interests are basically aligned.
So what?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Uh…
[sighs]
[crickets chirping]
[siren wailing]
And you really make 20 zloty for each soul you gather?
Yeah. Not bad, right?
My guess is only scrap metal collectors make more than us.
This is the fucking life.
However, the worst thing is that you can buy alcohol in hell,
but it can't be consumed there.
I don't know why people flock to Heaven like it's a slice of pie
when Earth is so damn great.
Watch out, it's coming.
[sinister music playing]
[motorbike approaching]
[suspenseful music playing]
[crashing]
[fire blazing]
[sinister music playing]
You know, Domino, making sure that you have a shiny, freshly waxed car
is eighty percent of a successful date night.
An amazing dinner,
meaning takeout kebab, is about 60 percent.
Minus the face, that's worth about 20.
So, if I'm counting correctly, I have about a 110 percent chance
of putting my dick inside Mariola tonight after dinner.
[Domino] Nice one.
And the boss is really going to let you borrow the car?
Yeah. There is a slight catch though.
I take it with an empty tank, but have to return it all gassed up.
-[car approaching] -Oh shoot, someone's coming. Hide!
[brakes screeching]
Good afternoon.
-Afternoon. Is the boss in his office? -Yeah, yeah, he is in there.
You can hear the snoring from here.
[man] The police are stumped by it.
They say each death is an unfortunate accident or a wild dog attack.
Maybe they were accidents,
but the number of deaths in this town has doubled this month.
The residents are terrified like a teenage liver the first time at a bachelor party.
Only the owner of the funeral home is happy with these accidents.
There is no competition in town anymore, business is booming.
If this goes on and the population keeps dropping even further,
they will downgrade our city to village and demote me from Mayor to Village Head.
Help out, Mr. Boner. I will make you rich.
Okay, fine then. That'll cost you 200 zloty to be exact.
Unless it's official, then it's more, of course.
Officially, I'm a very devout abstainer.
Okay! Then let's get to work!
[Mayor] You already know what's going on in town?
I have a couple of serious suspicions.
Marcinek and that other moron, gear the fuck up. We're going to work.
No way, boss! For real?
I thought that we both agreed that I could go out with Mariola tonight.
Yeah, if she loves you, she'll wait.
[van doors closing]
[engine cranking]
[club music playing]
[music continues]
This is the life!
20, 40, 60, 80-something. Almost a hundred!
And we made all this in barely one week.
Split between us. How much did you make?
Ah. I made a good profit. Cheers!
Cheers! [gulping]
Ah! I'm telling you, Roman, once you cross the great divide,
I promise we will spare your soul. Right, Przemo?
Fuck yeah, we will!
But obviously you will have to pay us 20 zloty in advance.
-[laughs] Cheers! -[phone chiming]
Hello? Yes, yes?
It's written down. On the way.
Gentlemen! We've got us another one.
How so? We didn't even set anything up today.
[Roman] Apparently, accidents really do happen sometimes.
[laughs] Money is just falling into our fingertips!
We must have been born under a lucky star!
Never mind a star. How about a brothel?
-[brakes squealing] -[door closes]
All right. What's up now?
Some strange out-of-town fisherman came with his generator.
Wanted to fish with electricity. Luckily for you, he electrocuted himself.
That is so weird.
The sphincter did not discharge any matter.
Too bad. I'll still take it.
Błażej.
I can't eat this pizza anymore.
Hello?
Is this the loony bin?
Please come quickly. Przemo's gone crazy.
He doesn't want to eat pizza.
Błażej. Błażej, hang up, I'm begging you.
Fine, you win again.
I will eat it.
You have to, Przemo.
Or you will just be some shitty loser.
I know, Błażej. [groans]
Don't worry, I'll eat it.
But I am going to leave all the crust. Okay?
Alrighty then. Then you will just be called shitty.
I guess I'll take it. [grunts]
[chews, swallows]
Are you taking his soul or not?
I've brought another client.
Oh, Jesus. All right.
[Roman] Great. The family hasn't asked yet,
so I'll quickly put him in the most expensive suit.
And I'll charge them such a high dressing fee… [chuckles]
…they'll have a heart attack and drop dead when they see the bill.
-Wow, he's still warm. -Very good. It'll be a lot easier.
Przemo, roll him onto his stomach.
Already done.
Hold on, hold on, I'm gonna leave.
I don't want to watch this again.
All right. Pants are down, soul on the table!
[spits]
[impressed whistle]
Look, Przemo, this guy is not messing around.
I once saw a video of a jar shoved up someone's ass.
But a fucking hand grenade?
Aah! Błażej, you moron, put that back in his ass.
Don't worry. I know what I'm doing… Oh, shit, where is the pin?
[dramatic music plays]
[explodes]
What have you done, you bastard?
Błażej had all our money on him, for fuck's sake!
I'll kill you!
[choking]
[Roman] Don't you fucking move!
[laughs] You want to shoot me with a caulk gun?
I'm going to do whatever I can.
[cackles]
Finish him on the hardwood!
Now just you wait, a new video will buffer in a few minutes! But for now...
Replay!
-What are you raving about? -Um… What?
[engine starts]
Thank you, Mr. Boner.
Truly, thank you.
You obliterated that gang like my brat son demolished the Mustang,
one day after he got his license.
You're very welcome. I always recommend my services--
I hope there won't be another opportunity for them. Bye.
[car engine starts]
Boss, what about him? Do we kill him?
We would lose money. Just put him in somebody's basement so they call us,
and give him a bullet in the head after we get paid for exorcizing him.
Smart guy.
Boss, can we hurry up, please? I am gonna miss my date tonight.
Look at him. horny like a priest in an all-boys boarding school.
All right, let's go.
-[van door closes] -[engine starts]
If you scratch my fucking car, I'll scratch your face, asshole.
Don't worry, I won't scratch it at all.
You better return it fuelled up. Fill the tank.
Don't worry, I'll fill it up, okay? Goodbye now.
Damn, the demon is still in the back. Marcinek!
Ahh! He's still tied up, he won't do anything. No sweat.
Well, we finally made it here.
What are we doing parked in this rye field?
Well, what do you do with rye?
Don't know. Make Vodka? Then drink it.
No, what do you do to rye?
What do you do? You smash it.
Yeah. Just a hint.
'Cause I was thinking that you and I have been going out for about two years now,
so maybe we could finally do a little sexy time?
Uh…
Oh my God! Finally, dude!
I was worried you were just gonna keep tiptoeing around it forever.
It's always trips to the movie theater, pretty flowers, romantic dinners.
I've gained over 30 kilos eating all those stupid fatty kebabs.
Oh, that's lovely.
I hope that our experience is somewhat similar,
because I haven't actually had the opportunity yet.
Have you done it before?
If it's after 12:00, then not today.
-Come here! -[chuckles]
[laughing] Oh.
This was totally worth the 60-kilometer ride on the roof of this van.
I wish I had a cellphone to record the action.
Ah, but memories will have to do.
They're even better, because you can add more details.
[Marcin] Oh, damn… Mariola!
[panting]
Yeah, kid, I'm gonna show you Mariola.
He’ll get a good look at her when I tear her fucking guts out.
[roars]
[screams] Demon!
-[roaring] -What's with this stupid door?
Don't leave yet. You're gonna be my next victim.
Shit, his timing is horrible.
Why couldn't that asshole have waited another 30 seconds to attack?
God-fucking-dammit, what should I do?
If I save them, they will know that I've been watching them this entire time.
-Got it! -[Przemo] Motherfucker!
I swear to God, I'll kill you!
Hands up, this is a robbery!
[Przemo grunts]
Don't worry, I won't hurt any of you.
You can just continue on. But Marcin has to lend me his phone again.
What are you…
[sighs] I knew it was you!
THE END
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]