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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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GRAVEDIGGA
ON DUTY 24 HOURS A DAY 78 234 662
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-[cat screeching]
-[dog barking]
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GRAVEDIGGA
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[dance music playing]
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[man blowing air]
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♪ Be my queen
I'll be your jack ♪
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♪ When the king goes to work
Then I'll bang you ♪
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♪ La, la, la, la ♪
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♪ Li, li, li, li, li, li ♪
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♪ Shubee-dubee, woobu-du ♪
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[demon 1] Shit. Is this fucking corpse
going to take him all freaking night?
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How are we supposed
to take this sinful soul?
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The crowd grew so big after the accident
that we couldn't do it.
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Now this guy's been preparing him
for four hours.
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The dead guy isn't a groom.
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[demon 2] Wait a moment.
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-Got it!
-Yeah?
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Let's put on our game face
and get to work.
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We will take a gun and surprise him,
let him know we aren’t fucking around.
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Damn, Przemo, that's true. That's true.
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Where are we going
to get a pistol right now?
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Don't worry, Błażej.
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I just came up with a plan.
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♪ Be my queen
I will be your ace ♪
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♪ I'll let you play with my… dog
La, la, la, la ♪
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-[indicator honking]
-What in the devil is going on?
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[honking continues]
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If you crazy punks feel like messing
around again, I'll rip you to shreds!
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-If I catch you!
-[door slams]
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Eh…
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That's correct. "Eh!"
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[Przemo] Get your dick up, hand!
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Wait, the other way around.
Get your hands up, dick!
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[whimpering] Um, what do you want?
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Who the fuck are you?
What the fuck are you?
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Wait a sec, that’s not a gun,
that's for caulking.
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You got that right.
40
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Don't mess with me,
because if I smack you with this thing,
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I will cave your head in.
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Don't worry, we'll take the soul
and head out like no one was here.
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Can't you get the soul out of a person
through a different hole?
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Oh, of course we can.
45
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I got it.
46
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Told ya. Great.
Grab that hole and let's roll!
47
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-Hold on, gentlemen…
-I meant soul, not hole. Sorry.
48
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All right. Is it just my imagination
49
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or do you guys have a particular interest
in dead people?
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Of course we do. We get twenty zloty
for every soul we take!
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Though it has to be a soul of a sinner.
However…
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who isn't a sinner?
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Only 10% of them get thrown out.
I mean, to Heaven.
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Well, I also get paid when someone dies.
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I get paid to collect the deceased body.
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So our interests are basically aligned.
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So what?
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Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
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Uh…
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[sighs]
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[crickets chirping]
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[siren wailing]
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And you really make 20 zloty
for each soul you gather?
64
00:02:49,834 --> 00:02:51,501
Yeah. Not bad, right?
65
00:02:51,584 --> 00:02:54,168
My guess is only scrap metal collectors
make more than us.
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This is the fucking life.
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However, the worst thing is
that you can buy alcohol in hell,
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but it can't be consumed there.
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I don't know why people
flock to Heaven like it's a slice of pie
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when Earth is so damn great.
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Watch out, it's coming.
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[sinister music playing]
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[motorbike approaching]
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[suspenseful music playing]
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[crashing]
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[fire blazing]
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[sinister music playing]
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You know, Domino, making sure that
you have a shiny, freshly waxed car
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is eighty percent
of a successful date night.
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An amazing dinner,
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meaning takeout kebab,
is about 60 percent.
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Minus the face, that's worth about 20.
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So, if I'm counting correctly,
I have about a 110 percent chance
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of putting my dick inside Mariola tonight
after dinner.
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[Domino] Nice one.
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And the boss is really going
to let you borrow the car?
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Yeah. There is a slight catch though.
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I take it with an empty tank,
but have to return it all gassed up.
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-[car approaching]
-Oh shoot, someone's coming. Hide!
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[brakes screeching]
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Good afternoon.
92
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-Afternoon. Is the boss in his office?
-Yeah, yeah, he is in there.
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You can hear the snoring from here.
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[man] The police are stumped by it.
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They say each death is an unfortunate
accident or a wild dog attack.
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Maybe they were accidents,
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but the number of deaths in this town
has doubled this month.
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The residents are terrified like a teenage
liver the first time at a bachelor party.
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Only the owner of the funeral home
is happy with these accidents.
100
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There is no competition in town anymore,
business is booming.
101
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If this goes on and the population
keeps dropping even further,
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they will downgrade our city to village
and demote me from Mayor to Village Head.
103
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Help out, Mr. Boner.
I will make you rich.
104
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Okay, fine then.
That'll cost you 200 zloty to be exact.
105
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Unless it's official,
then it's more, of course.
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Officially, I'm a very devout abstainer.
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Okay! Then let's get to work!
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[Mayor] You already know
what's going on in town?
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I have a couple of serious suspicions.
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Marcinek and that other moron,
gear the fuck up. We're going to work.
111
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No way, boss! For real?
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I thought that we both agreed
that I could go out with Mariola tonight.
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Yeah, if she loves you, she'll wait.
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[van doors closing]
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[engine cranking]
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[club music playing]
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[music continues]
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This is the life!
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20, 40, 60, 80-something.
Almost a hundred!
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And we made all this in barely one week.
121
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Split between us. How much did you make?
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Ah. I made a good profit. Cheers!
123
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Cheers! [gulping]
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Ah! I'm telling you, Roman,
once you cross the great divide,
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I promise we will spare your soul.
Right, Przemo?
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Fuck yeah, we will!
127
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But obviously you will have to pay us
20 zloty in advance.
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-[laughs] Cheers!
-[phone chiming]
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Hello? Yes, yes?
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It's written down. On the way.
131
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Gentlemen! We've got us another one.
132
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How so?
We didn't even set anything up today.
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[Roman] Apparently,
accidents really do happen sometimes.
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[laughs] Money is just falling
into our fingertips!
135
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We must have been born under a lucky star!
136
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Never mind a star. How about a brothel?
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-[brakes squealing]
-[door closes]
138
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All right. What's up now?
139
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Some strange out-of-town fisherman
came with his generator.
140
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Wanted to fish with electricity.
Luckily for you, he electrocuted himself.
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That is so weird.
142
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The sphincter did not discharge
any matter.
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Too bad. I'll still take it.
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Błażej.
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I can't eat this pizza anymore.
146
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Hello?
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Is this the loony bin?
148
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Please come quickly. Przemo's gone crazy.
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He doesn't want to eat pizza.
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Błażej. Błażej, hang up, I'm begging you.
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Fine, you win again.
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I will eat it.
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You have to, Przemo.
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Or you will just be some shitty loser.
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I know, Błażej. [groans]
156
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Don't worry, I'll eat it.
157
00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:08,959
But I am going to leave
all the crust. Okay?
158
00:07:09,043 --> 00:07:11,543
Alrighty then.
Then you will just be called shitty.
159
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I guess I'll take it. [grunts]
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[chews, swallows]
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Are you taking his soul or not?
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I've brought another client.
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Oh, Jesus. All right.
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[Roman] Great.
The family hasn't asked yet,
165
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so I'll quickly put him
in the most expensive suit.
166
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And I'll charge them
such a high dressing fee… [chuckles]
167
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…they'll have a heart attack
and drop dead when they see the bill.
168
00:07:33,293 --> 00:07:36,376
-Wow, he's still warm.
-Very good. It'll be a lot easier.
169
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Przemo, roll him onto his stomach.
170
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Already done.
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Hold on, hold on, I'm gonna leave.
172
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I don't want to watch this again.
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All right.
Pants are down, soul on the table!
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[spits]
175
00:07:48,876 --> 00:07:50,043
[impressed whistle]
176
00:07:50,126 --> 00:07:53,126
Look, Przemo,
this guy is not messing around.
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00:07:53,209 --> 00:07:55,793
I once saw a video
of a jar shoved up someone's ass.
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But a fucking hand grenade?
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Aah! Błażej, you moron,
put that back in his ass.
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Don't worry. I know what I'm doing…
Oh, shit, where is the pin?
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[dramatic music plays]
182
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[explodes]
183
00:08:11,168 --> 00:08:13,584
What have you done, you bastard?
184
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Błażej had all our money on him,
for fuck's sake!
185
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I'll kill you!
186
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[choking]
187
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:22,959
[Roman] Don't you fucking move!
188
00:08:23,793 --> 00:08:26,876
[laughs] You want to shoot me
with a caulk gun?
189
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I'm going to do whatever I can.
190
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[cackles]
191
00:08:31,209 --> 00:08:32,959
Finish him on the hardwood!
192
00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:36,334
Now just you wait, a new video will buffer
in a few minutes! But for now...
193
00:08:36,418 --> 00:08:37,459
Replay!
194
00:08:37,543 --> 00:08:40,126
-What are you raving about?
-Um… What?
195
00:08:44,584 --> 00:08:45,418
[engine starts]
196
00:08:47,126 --> 00:08:48,751
Thank you, Mr. Boner.
197
00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:50,043
Truly, thank you.
198
00:08:50,126 --> 00:08:53,584
You obliterated that gang
like my brat son demolished the Mustang,
199
00:08:53,668 --> 00:08:55,793
one day after he got his license.
200
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:58,584
You're very welcome.
I always recommend my services--
201
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:01,501
I hope there won't be
another opportunity for them. Bye.
202
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:02,543
[car engine starts]
203
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,626
Boss, what about him? Do we kill him?
204
00:09:04,709 --> 00:09:08,334
We would lose money. Just put him
in somebody's basement so they call us,
205
00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:11,209
and give him a bullet in the head
after we get paid for exorcizing him.
206
00:09:11,293 --> 00:09:12,126
Smart guy.
207
00:09:12,209 --> 00:09:14,959
Boss, can we hurry up, please?
I am gonna miss my date tonight.
208
00:09:15,043 --> 00:09:18,959
Look at him. horny like a priest
in an all-boys boarding school.
209
00:09:19,043 --> 00:09:20,209
All right, let's go.
210
00:09:21,126 --> 00:09:22,876
-[van door closes]
-[engine starts]
211
00:09:26,709 --> 00:09:29,876
If you scratch my fucking car,
I'll scratch your face, asshole.
212
00:09:29,959 --> 00:09:31,626
Don't worry, I won't scratch it at all.
213
00:09:31,709 --> 00:09:34,043
You better return it fuelled up.
Fill the tank.
214
00:09:34,126 --> 00:09:36,584
Don't worry, I'll fill it up, okay?
Goodbye now.
215
00:09:39,376 --> 00:09:42,126
Damn, the demon
is still in the back. Marcinek!
216
00:09:42,209 --> 00:09:44,959
Ahh! He's still tied up,
he won't do anything. No sweat.
217
00:09:47,293 --> 00:09:49,334
Well, we finally made it here.
218
00:09:49,418 --> 00:09:51,084
What are we doing
parked in this rye field?
219
00:09:51,168 --> 00:09:52,584
Well, what do you do with rye?
220
00:09:52,668 --> 00:09:54,459
Don't know. Make Vodka? Then drink it.
221
00:09:54,543 --> 00:09:56,209
No, what do you do to rye?
222
00:09:56,293 --> 00:09:57,543
What do you do? You smash it.
223
00:09:57,626 --> 00:09:58,834
Yeah. Just a hint.
224
00:09:58,918 --> 00:10:02,584
'Cause I was thinking that you and I have
been going out for about two years now,
225
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:06,293
so maybe we could finally do
a little sexy time?
226
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:09,959
Uh…
227
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,293
Oh my God! Finally, dude!
228
00:10:11,376 --> 00:10:14,293
I was worried you were just gonna
keep tiptoeing around it forever.
229
00:10:14,376 --> 00:10:17,376
It's always trips to the movie theater,
pretty flowers, romantic dinners.
230
00:10:17,459 --> 00:10:20,459
I've gained over 30 kilos
eating all those stupid fatty kebabs.
231
00:10:20,543 --> 00:10:21,876
Oh, that's lovely.
232
00:10:21,959 --> 00:10:23,876
I hope that our experience
is somewhat similar,
233
00:10:23,959 --> 00:10:27,001
because I haven't actually
had the opportunity yet.
234
00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:28,126
Have you done it before?
235
00:10:28,209 --> 00:10:30,043
If it's after 12:00, then not today.
236
00:10:30,126 --> 00:10:31,543
-Come here!
-[chuckles]
237
00:10:31,626 --> 00:10:33,001
[laughing] Oh.
238
00:10:33,084 --> 00:10:36,293
This was totally worth the 60-kilometer
ride on the roof of this van.
239
00:10:36,376 --> 00:10:38,418
I wish I had a cellphone
to record the action.
240
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:40,209
Ah, but memories will have to do.
241
00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:42,959
They're even better,
because you can add more details.
242
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,626
[Marcin] Oh, damn… Mariola!
243
00:10:45,709 --> 00:10:47,126
[panting]
244
00:10:47,209 --> 00:10:48,959
Yeah, kid, I'm gonna show you Mariola.
245
00:10:49,043 --> 00:10:51,959
He’ll get a good look at her
when I tear her fucking guts out.
246
00:10:52,043 --> 00:10:53,251
[roars]
247
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:54,209
[screams] Demon!
248
00:10:54,293 --> 00:10:56,043
-[roaring]
-What's with this stupid door?
249
00:10:56,126 --> 00:10:58,376
Don't leave yet.
You're gonna be my next victim.
250
00:10:58,459 --> 00:11:00,251
Shit, his timing is horrible.
251
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:03,293
Why couldn't that asshole
have waited another 30 seconds to attack?
252
00:11:03,376 --> 00:11:05,043
God-fucking-dammit, what should I do?
253
00:11:05,126 --> 00:11:08,126
If I save them, they will know that
I've been watching them this entire time.
254
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:09,918
-Got it!
-[Przemo] Motherfucker!
255
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:12,459
I swear to God, I'll kill you!
256
00:11:12,959 --> 00:11:14,793
Hands up, this is a robbery!
257
00:11:14,876 --> 00:11:15,876
[Przemo grunts]
258
00:11:18,709 --> 00:11:20,876
Don't worry, I won't hurt any of you.
259
00:11:20,959 --> 00:11:24,043
You can just continue on.
But Marcin has to lend me his phone again.
260
00:11:25,209 --> 00:11:26,209
What are you…
261
00:11:27,459 --> 00:11:29,168
[sighs] I knew it was you!
262
00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:31,043
THE END
263
00:11:31,126 --> 00:11:33,168
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
264
00:11:33,251 --> 00:11:36,334
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
265
00:11:36,418 --> 00:11:39,209
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
266
00:11:39,293 --> 00:11:42,668
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
267
00:11:42,751 --> 00:11:47,293
[malevolent laugh]