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00:00:06,459 --> 00:00:12,376
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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[horses galloping]
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[thunder rumbling]
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[knight] Mount Asscracker.
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THE CURSED COMMERCIAL
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-We are getting very, very close.
-Oh, fucking fuck.
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Dusty, you can talk?
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00:00:25,709 --> 00:00:29,043
Fucking badly,
but I'm good as a motherfucker at cursing.
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Yee- haw!
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Whoop-whoop that ass!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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[upbeat music playing]
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[narrator on TV] Lublin Upland.
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This is where we grow the best hops
in all of Poland.
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But why overpay?
Chub Light is brewed from Chinese hops!
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Hmm… Mmm…
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[narrator] Chub Light! Beat this!
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Chub Light is a partner
of the "Alcohol is for adults" campaign.
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Beer is not alcohol.
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Hey, guys,
I'm gonna go get some cold beer.
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If you guys don't want one,
raise your hand!
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So everyone wants one.
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I'm gonna go drain the lizard.
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[clears throat]
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[narrator] Czesław, Czesław, Czesław.
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Czesław meatballs are made of 10% meat.
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The rest of the ingredients
are our cheeky little secret.
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[malevolent laugh]
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I could just about kill
for those tender and juicy meatballs.
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Kill!
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Kill!
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Kill!
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If beer isn't your pick,
you can suck my d…
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Pietrucha, are you okay?
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Crap, you look kinda bad.
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Have some cold beer.
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I prefer juicy meatballs.
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[mumbling, groaning]
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Pietrucha, what have you done?
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[grunts]
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Huh. I was going for number one,
but number two came out as well.
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I'm glad I sat down on the toilet.
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Pietrucha?
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[gurgling laughter]
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Stop it. I'm ticklish there!
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[laughing]
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[grunts]
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Juicy meatballs!
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CITY MORTUARY WELCOME
THIEVES
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[man] That's the situation more or less.
Let's take this one for example.
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He stormed the precinct,
then he attacked officer Forskinner
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and took away his loaded weapon.
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Luckily, he didn't really know
how to operate the gun all that well.
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The rest either died
in fatal car accidents
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or falling from the tops of buildings.
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Chief, yeah, I really don't find
anything weird about it.
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00:02:28,084 --> 00:02:30,543
It's the weekend, ya know?
Wasted people lose their shit.
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00:02:30,626 --> 00:02:33,543
Besides that,
all of the "possessed" people died anyway,
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00:02:33,626 --> 00:02:35,626
so the problem kinda solved itself.
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Solved itself, huh?
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This will start all over again next week!
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Nobody at the precinct knows
what the hell is causing this mess,
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but every single Saturday,
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a large group of people
from around here go wacko
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and hit the city bringing on terrifying
death and destruction… of property.
67
00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:52,834
Hmm.
68
00:02:52,918 --> 00:02:55,126
Maybe it's a really shitty batch
of moonshine
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coming from the Eastern border
or something?
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I've been drinking that shit myself
and I'm fine.
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And witnesses reported
that some went crazy while sober,
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watching a movie on a local TV channel.
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During the commercial, to be exact.
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Yeah, I think that I know
what you're getting at here, Chief.
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It's a fucking cursed commercial
from Hell.
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Yeah, I heard that legend too.
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Just let me follow this lead,
but I doubt it.
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It's a bunch of bullcrap.
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Just like that ancient legend
about the hellish toilet.
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But there you go.
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-The customer is always…
-[clattering]
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…stupid!
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Oh, pardon me! [giggles]
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I'll clean it up. [chuckles]
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TELE-FIB
86
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-What do you mean "inspection"?
-Here you go then.
87
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This is the search warrant that was just
signed by the Chief of Police himself
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and whoever else was required.
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Now calm yourselves down.
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This isn't about movies broadcast
without a license. You got it?
91
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No? About what, then?
92
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This is mainly about the commercials
broadcasted on Saturday nights.
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00:03:44,959 --> 00:03:47,168
Commercials?
[chuckles] Who watches commercials?
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Mister, even I don't know
what we're showing.
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Everything's on hard drives.
Janusz will show you.
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Marcinek and the other moron,
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00:03:53,418 --> 00:03:56,126
go with Janusz and see what they aired
on Saturday night, okay?
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00:03:56,209 --> 00:03:59,709
It's time to have a little sit-down
with my new friend, Director Peestein.
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I'll gladly try and answer,
but I'm not sure I'll be able to.
100
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We've only just taken over the station
after an incident,
101
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when a mysterious wave of tragic deaths
affected almost the entire crew.
102
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The crusty old janitor
was the sole survivor.
103
00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:13,876
Well, then, take me
to the janitor immediately.
104
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Okay, but I'm warning you,
105
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you're not going to get much
from that old man, Kózka,
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'cause he isn't all there in the head.
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All the commercials are in this folder.
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So… I don't know what we aired Saturday.
The computer makes that decision.
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Oh damn! There are 340 files
to watch through?
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I think we're going to be trapped here
all night long.
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Don't say you don't like commercials.
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Some are great! Like…
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♪ Clam Vaginal tablets
Will make your cooch smell yummy ♪
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[laughs] I love that one.
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[commercial narrator]
Had enough of your beer belly?
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Do you want women to stay beautiful
and pay attention to you?
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Change your habits
and take care of your figure.
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Pure vodka.
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00:04:49,959 --> 00:04:53,126
So, young man, you really want
to know the horrible story
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about what happened
that dark, fateful night
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at this television station, do you?
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That's what I'm asking for the third time.
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00:04:59,376 --> 00:05:01,168
Look, I'm losing my patience
with you, asshole.
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Silence! Or I will not tell you.
125
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Fine, fine. Just get to the point already.
126
00:05:06,376 --> 00:05:07,543
You want me to talk?
127
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Oh no.
128
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Absolutely no way!
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00:05:10,668 --> 00:05:12,084
I'll be babbling, you know.
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00:05:12,168 --> 00:05:16,751
I'll be blurting out whatever shit comes
to the remnants of my vodka-addled mind.
131
00:05:16,834 --> 00:05:21,126
And from that constant babbling,
that steady incoherent flow of bullshit,
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you'll fish out some
miniscule grains of truth. But beware!
133
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Although they often taste
like a bunch of bullcrap,
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only the fewest of them
are actually edible.
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And now, let us begin the story.
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It… [belches] …was a Thursday evening,
137
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and then so the Tele-Fib crew
138
00:05:37,834 --> 00:05:42,959
was about to finish a full day of shooting
the vaginal tablet commercial campaign.
139
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While I was mopping the floor and tending
to my other daily duties as a janitor.
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[sighs]
141
00:05:50,543 --> 00:05:52,668
Suddenly, and completely out of nowhere,
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a thing nobody would have
ever expected to happen, happened.
143
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Instead of 6:00 p.m. in the evening,
the clock struck dead midnight!
144
00:06:00,584 --> 00:06:02,251
And to everyone's shock,
145
00:06:02,334 --> 00:06:05,959
the sky turned dark
and a lightning bolt struck!
146
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Straight into the Dodge.
147
00:06:08,043 --> 00:06:10,876
-[car alarm blaring]
-Then the studio doors swung open!
148
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:15,376
There was the terriblest beast
standing in the doorway.
149
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Everyone froze in absolute fear.
150
00:06:18,668 --> 00:06:21,626
That's when the beast started talking.
151
00:06:21,709 --> 00:06:23,751
But I had no interest in listening,
152
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:27,709
as I was quite busy
with my daily duties as a janitor.
153
00:06:27,793 --> 00:06:29,751
And whoever shall oppose me,
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I will tear off their head and shove it
where the devil says "good evening"!
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Oh no!
156
00:06:36,751 --> 00:06:39,584
I am the director here and… [grunts]
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-Uh…
-Good evening.
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In that moment, the beast became enraged
and all hell broke loose…
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[belches, sighs]
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-[crew screaming]
-[roaring]
161
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[screaming]
162
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[roaring]
163
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[demon] Good evening.
164
00:07:08,543 --> 00:07:12,543
[janitor] Unfortunately, I don't know
exactly what went on next,
165
00:07:12,626 --> 00:07:17,293
as I was deeply absorbed
in my usual duties as a janitor.
166
00:07:17,376 --> 00:07:20,751
Everybody says that vodka
will eventually take your life,
167
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,834
but I'm standing here in front of you
168
00:07:22,918 --> 00:07:26,584
as the perfect proof
of the exact opposite.
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Gross.
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00:07:30,626 --> 00:07:33,293
[janitor] This is when I blacked out
for good.
171
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I'm not sure
how long I was passed out for,
172
00:07:36,418 --> 00:07:38,001
but I suspect it was quite a while.
173
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It was long enough
for my pants to dry out.
174
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,834
But when I opened my eyes
and gazed around the studio,
175
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the terrible beast was gone
and in the air around the building
176
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there was a subtle-rancid smell
of meatballs…
177
00:07:50,376 --> 00:07:52,668
Ah yes, the smell of meatballs, you say?
178
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:56,334
Of course,
it really couldn't be more fucking simple.
179
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The demon sneakily recorded the commercial
and then he went and cursed it.
180
00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:02,709
Normal people
don't watch commercials anymore,
181
00:08:02,793 --> 00:08:05,543
but woe to those who still do-- [gasps]
182
00:08:05,626 --> 00:08:09,043
Marcinek, don't watch
the fucking meatballs!
183
00:08:11,626 --> 00:08:12,459
What are you doing?
184
00:08:12,543 --> 00:08:14,876
Eh… Nothing, nothing. Why? What's up?
185
00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:16,626
Oh shit, you're playing cards.
186
00:08:16,709 --> 00:08:17,626
Uh…
187
00:08:17,709 --> 00:08:18,959
Oh, that's good, Marcin.
188
00:08:19,043 --> 00:08:20,334
Are you serious?
189
00:08:20,418 --> 00:08:21,959
'Cause it was so fucking boring.
190
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,209
Who in their right mind
watches TV commercials?
191
00:08:24,293 --> 00:08:27,959
I couldn't take the one about a massager
for the end of your digestive tract.
192
00:08:28,043 --> 00:08:29,376
But Domino is still watching them.
193
00:08:29,459 --> 00:08:32,043
Oh crap, I forgot about that moron.
Domino, don't watch…
194
00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:33,209
[muffled roar]
195
00:08:35,126 --> 00:08:36,459
[roaring]
196
00:08:36,543 --> 00:08:38,209
Oh no, I'm too late! We're screwed.
197
00:08:38,293 --> 00:08:40,709
Oh crap! Domino, what has happened to you?
198
00:08:40,793 --> 00:08:42,293
[malevolent laugh]
199
00:08:42,376 --> 00:08:45,209
Something will happen to you!
200
00:08:45,293 --> 00:08:47,293
[roaring laugh]
201
00:08:47,376 --> 00:08:50,168
I gotta tell ya,
it's really not that much of a loss.
202
00:08:50,751 --> 00:08:52,293
[Marcin] No!
203
00:08:52,376 --> 00:08:55,459
If you shoot Domino now,
I will have to quit.
204
00:08:55,543 --> 00:08:56,668
Oh, okay, good.
205
00:08:56,751 --> 00:09:00,043
Lucky me, I'm going to get rid of
both you two moochers in one fell swoop.
206
00:09:00,126 --> 00:09:02,959
And I will sue you
for all the money I loaned you
207
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,209
and all the jobs I didn't get paid for.
208
00:09:06,043 --> 00:09:09,209
[sighs] I know I'm going to regret
listening to you.
209
00:09:10,209 --> 00:09:11,584
-[roaring]
-[grunts]
210
00:09:11,668 --> 00:09:12,668
[groaning]
211
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:13,626
-[roaring]
-[screaming]
212
00:09:13,709 --> 00:09:16,543
Domino, wait a minute.
I got some meatballs in the van.
213
00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:17,626
Huh?
214
00:09:18,293 --> 00:09:20,126
[dog barking]
215
00:09:21,168 --> 00:09:22,626
Where are those meatb…
216
00:09:22,709 --> 00:09:23,834
-[door closes]
-Hey!
217
00:09:24,376 --> 00:09:25,459
[Boner] Call Natan.
218
00:09:25,543 --> 00:09:28,793
Let him do
his church mumbo jumbo bull shit.
219
00:09:30,751 --> 00:09:32,709
Exorcizing a demon from a demon.
220
00:09:32,793 --> 00:09:34,293
This is definitely a new one.
221
00:09:34,376 --> 00:09:36,209
It's redundant
and kinda laughs in God's face.
222
00:09:36,293 --> 00:09:37,751
But, hey, it worked, of course.
223
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:39,084
Domino should wake up soon.
224
00:09:39,168 --> 00:09:40,876
You owe me a favor, Boner.
225
00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,126
See ya!
226
00:09:42,209 --> 00:09:45,543
Your hot mom owes me a favor
for sucking my extra-thick beefy--
227
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:50,209
[beast] Who dared to lift the curse
and delete my fucking awesome commercial?
228
00:09:50,293 --> 00:09:52,459
That was the only copy!
229
00:09:52,543 --> 00:09:53,584
Fuck!
230
00:09:53,668 --> 00:09:54,668
[groans]
231
00:09:54,751 --> 00:09:56,376
[laughs]
232
00:09:56,459 --> 00:09:58,918
It might not be as funny
as the meatball stuff,
233
00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:02,209
but you'll kick the fucking bucket
either way!
234
00:10:02,293 --> 00:10:04,293
[tense music playing]
235
00:10:05,543 --> 00:10:06,876
[Domino] Sławek?
236
00:10:07,543 --> 00:10:08,709
Domino?
237
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:11,168
Oh, no fucking way. You're up here, man?
238
00:10:11,251 --> 00:10:12,376
Should I kill them?
239
00:10:12,459 --> 00:10:14,751
Nah, nah, leave them.
They're cool. [laughs]
240
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:16,959
You know, I was in third grade
with Sławek,
241
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:18,209
except I sort of flunked.
242
00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:20,501
And I was expelled. [laughs]
243
00:10:20,584 --> 00:10:23,709
So you say you've joined forces
with the light side?
244
00:10:23,793 --> 00:10:25,043
Tell me, how's the money?
245
00:10:25,126 --> 00:10:28,376
Well, if you want me to be honest,
let me put it to you this way.
246
00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:30,376
Every single month I easily break even.
247
00:10:30,459 --> 00:10:32,626
Fuck, I'm not even covering my costs!
248
00:10:32,709 --> 00:10:34,959
So, are you guys maybe looking
to hire someone else here?
249
00:10:35,043 --> 00:10:37,043
I don't know.
You're gonna have to talk to the boss.
250
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:38,293
So? Are we hiring?
251
00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:40,418
Yeah, sure. The more the merrier!
252
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:42,251
[sighs] Okay, fine. I guess it's my loss.
253
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:44,459
First of all,
from here on out, you're working for free.
254
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:46,626
Yes! A raise on my first day!
255
00:10:46,709 --> 00:10:48,168
And second of all…
256
00:10:52,376 --> 00:10:54,793
That's two favors now you owe me, Boner.
257
00:10:56,293 --> 00:10:57,126
THE END
258
00:10:57,209 --> 00:10:59,251
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
259
00:10:59,334 --> 00:11:02,334
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
260
00:11:02,418 --> 00:11:05,293
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
261
00:11:05,376 --> 00:11:08,543
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
262
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:13,126
[malevolent laugh]