A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
Mount Asscracker.
THE CURSED COMMERCIAL
-We are getting very, very close. -Oh, fucking fuck.
Dusty, you can talk?
Fucking badly, but I'm good as a motherfucker at cursing.
Yee- haw!
Whoop-whoop that ass!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Lublin Upland.
This is where we grow the best hops in all of Poland.
But why overpay? Chub Light is brewed from Chinese hops!
Hmm… Mmm…
Chub Light! Beat this!
Chub Light is a partner of the "Alcohol is for adults" campaign.
Beer is not alcohol.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna go get some cold beer.
If you guys don't want one, raise your hand!
So everyone wants one.
I'm gonna go drain the lizard.
Czesław, Czesław, Czesław.
Czesław meatballs are made of 10% meat.
The rest of the ingredients are our cheeky little secret.
I could just about kill for those tender and juicy meatballs.
Kill!
If beer isn't your pick, you can suck my d…
Pietrucha, are you okay?
Crap, you look kinda bad.
Have some cold beer.
I prefer juicy meatballs.
Pietrucha, what have you done?
Huh. I was going for number one, but number two came out as well.
I'm glad I sat down on the toilet.
Pietrucha?
Stop it. I'm ticklish there!
Juicy meatballs!
CITY MORTUARY WELCOME THIEVES
That's the situation more or less. Let's take this one for example.
He stormed the precinct, then he attacked officer Forskinner
and took away his loaded weapon.
Luckily, he didn't really know how to operate the gun all that well.
The rest either died in fatal car accidents
or falling from the tops of buildings.
Chief, yeah, I really don't find anything weird about it.
It's the weekend, ya know? Wasted people lose their shit.
Besides that, all of the "possessed" people died anyway,
so the problem kinda solved itself.
Solved itself, huh?
This will start all over again next week!
Nobody at the precinct knows what the hell is causing this mess,
but every single Saturday,
a large group of people from around here go wacko
and hit the city bringing on terrifying death and destruction… of property.
Hmm.
Maybe it's a really shitty batch of moonshine
coming from the Eastern border or something?
I've been drinking that shit myself and I'm fine.
And witnesses reported that some went crazy while sober,
watching a movie on a local TV channel.
During the commercial, to be exact.
Yeah, I think that I know what you're getting at here, Chief.
It's a fucking cursed commercial from Hell.
Yeah, I heard that legend too.
Just let me follow this lead, but I doubt it.
It's a bunch of bullcrap.
Just like that ancient legend about the hellish toilet.
But there you go.
The customer is always…
…stupid!
Oh, pardon me!
I'll clean it up.
TELE-FIB
-What do you mean "inspection"? -Here you go then.
This is the search warrant that was just signed by the Chief of Police himself
and whoever else was required.
Now calm yourselves down.
This isn't about movies broadcast without a license. You got it?
No? About what, then?
This is mainly about the commercials broadcasted on Saturday nights.
Commercials? Who watches commercials?
Mister, even I don't know what we're showing.
Everything's on hard drives. Janusz will show you.
Marcinek and the other moron,
go with Janusz and see what they aired on Saturday night, okay?
It's time to have a little sit-down with my new friend, Director Peestein.
I'll gladly try and answer, but I'm not sure I'll be able to.
We've only just taken over the station after an incident,
when a mysterious wave of tragic deaths affected almost the entire crew.
The crusty old janitor was the sole survivor.
Well, then, take me to the janitor immediately.
Okay, but I'm warning you,
you're not going to get much from that old man, Kózka,
'cause he isn't all there in the head.
All the commercials are in this folder.
So… I don't know what we aired Saturday. The computer makes that decision.
Oh damn! There are 340 files to watch through?
I think we're going to be trapped here all night long.
Don't say you don't like commercials.
Some are great! Like…
I love that one.
Had enough of your beer belly?
Do you want women to stay beautiful and pay attention to you?
Change your habits and take care of your figure.
Pure vodka.
So, young man, you really want to know the horrible story
about what happened that dark, fateful night
at this television station, do you?
That's what I'm asking for the third time.
Look, I'm losing my patience with you, asshole.
Silence! Or I will not tell you.
Fine, fine. Just get to the point already.
You want me to talk?
Oh no.
Absolutely no way!
I'll be babbling, you know.
I'll be blurting out whatever shit comes to the remnants of my vodka-addled mind.
And from that constant babbling, that steady incoherent flow of bullshit,
you'll fish out some miniscule grains of truth. But beware!
Although they often taste like a bunch of bullcrap,
only the fewest of them are actually edible.
And now, let us begin the story.
It……was a Thursday evening,
and then so the Tele-Fib crew
was about to finish a full day of shooting the vaginal tablet commercial campaign.
While I was mopping the floor and tending to my other daily duties as a janitor.
Suddenly, and completely out of nowhere,
a thing nobody would have ever expected to happen, happened.
Instead of 6:00 p.m. in the evening, the clock struck dead midnight!
And to everyone's shock,
the sky turned dark and a lightning bolt struck!
Straight into the Dodge.
Then the studio doors swung open!
There was the terriblest beast standing in the doorway.
Everyone froze in absolute fear.
That's when the beast started talking.
But I had no interest in listening,
as I was quite busy with my daily duties as a janitor.
And whoever shall oppose me,
I will tear off their head and shove it where the devil says "good evening"!
Oh no!
I am the director here and…
-Uh… -Good evening.
In that moment, the beast became enraged and all hell broke loose…
Good evening.
Unfortunately, I don't know exactly what went on next,
as I was deeply absorbed in my usual duties as a janitor.
Everybody says that vodka will eventually take your life,
but I'm standing here in front of you
as the perfect proof of the exact opposite.
Gross.
This is when I blacked out for good.
I'm not sure how long I was passed out for,
but I suspect it was quite a while.
It was long enough for my pants to dry out.
But when I opened my eyes and gazed around the studio,
the terrible beast was gone and in the air around the building
there was a subtle-rancid smell of meatballs…
Ah yes, the smell of meatballs, you say?
Of course, it really couldn't be more fucking simple.
The demon sneakily recorded the commercial and then he went and cursed it.
Normal people don't watch commercials anymore,
but woe to those who still do--
Marcinek, don't watch the fucking meatballs!
What are you doing?
Eh… Nothing, nothing. Why? What's up?
Oh shit, you're playing cards.
Uh…
Oh, that's good, Marcin.
Are you serious?
'Cause it was so fucking boring.
Who in their right mind watches TV commercials?
I couldn't take the one about a massager for the end of your digestive tract.
But Domino is still watching them.
Oh crap, I forgot about that moron. Domino, don't watch…
Oh no, I'm too late! We're screwed.
Oh crap! Domino, what has happened to you?
Something will happen to you!
I gotta tell ya, it's really not that much of a loss.
No!
If you shoot Domino now, I will have to quit.
Oh, okay, good.
Lucky me, I'm going to get rid of both you two moochers in one fell swoop.
And I will sue you for all the money I loaned you
and all the jobs I didn't get paid for.
I know I'm going to regret listening to you.
Domino, wait a minute. I got some meatballs in the van.
Huh?
Where are those meatb…
Hey!
Call Natan.
Let him do his church mumbo jumbo bull shit.
Exorcizing a demon from a demon.
This is definitely a new one.
It's redundant and kinda laughs in God's face.
But, hey, it worked, of course.
Domino should wake up soon.
You owe me a favor, Boner.
See ya!
Your hot mom owes me a favor for sucking my extra-thick beefy--
Who dared to lift the curse and delete my fucking awesome commercial?
That was the only copy!
Fuck!
It might not be as funny as the meatball stuff,
but you'll kick the fucking bucket either way!
Sławek?
Domino?
Oh, no fucking way. You're up here, man?
Should I kill them?
Nah, nah, leave them. They're cool.
You know, I was in third grade with Sławek,
except I sort of flunked.
And I was expelled.
So you say you've joined forces with the light side?
Tell me, how's the money?
Well, if you want me to be honest, let me put it to you this way.
Every single month I easily break even.
Fuck, I'm not even covering my costs!
So, are you guys maybe looking to hire someone else here?
I don't know. You're gonna have to talk to the boss.
So? Are we hiring?
Yeah, sure. The more the merrier!
Okay, fine. I guess it's my loss.
First of all, from here on out, you're working for free.
Yes! A raise on my first day!
And second of all…
That's two favors now you owe me, Boner.
THE END