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SEBUAH SIRI NETFLIX
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PUSAT PENGURUSAN MAYAT
BEROPERASI 24 JAM SEHARI 78 234 662
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PENGURUSAN MAYAT
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Jadilah ratuku
Aku akan menjadi kad pekakmu
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Apabila raja pergi bekerja
Aku akan menidurimu
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La, la, la, la
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Li, li, li, li, li, li
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Shubee-dubee, woobu-du
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Sial. Berapa lama dia akan solek
mayat ini, sepanjang malam?
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Bagaimana mahu ambil roh ini?
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Orang berkerumun di tempat kemalangan,
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dan dah empat jam dia solek mayat itu.
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Dia bukan pengantin.
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Sekejap.
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- Saya tahu!
- Ya?
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Kita pakai topeng dan buat kerja.
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Kita bawa pistol dan terus serang dia.
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Sial, Przemo, betul itu. Betul.
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- Dari mana kita ambil pistol?
- Mudah, Blazej.
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Saya ada rancangan.
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Jadilah ratuku
Aku akan menjadi kad satmu.
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Mainlah dengan anjingku
La, la, la, la
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Apa masalahnya?
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Ada bangsat buat masalah.
Saya akan belasah awak cukup-cukup!
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Jika saya tangkap awak!
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Betul itu. "Ee!"
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Angkat bangsat, tangan.
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Terbalik pula. Angkat tangan, bangsat!
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Awak mahu apa?
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Siapa awak? Awak apa?
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Sekejap, ia pistol silikon.
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Betul itu.
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Jadi jangan main-main dengan saya,
atau saya pukul awak
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dan hancurkan kepala awak.
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Bertenang, kami hanya mahu ambil roh.
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Awak tak boleh keluarkan roh
melalui lubang lain?
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Tentulah boleh.
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Dah selesai.
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Kini punggung dalam genggaman saya.
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- Sekejap…
- Roh, bukan punggung.
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Sama ada saya berimaginasi
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atau awak berminat dengan orang mati.
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Sudah tentu, 20 zloty bagi setiap roh.
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Hanya roh pendosa,
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tapi bukankah semua orang pendosa?
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Hanya sepuluh peratus dibuang.
Maksud saya, masuk syurga.
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Tapi saya pun dibayar,
untuk mayat yang sama.
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Kita memiliki kepentingan yang sama.
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Jadi?
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Awak fikir apa yang saya fikir?
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- Betul awak dapat 20 zloty per roh?
- Ya.
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Bagus, bukan?
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Hanya pengumpul besi buruk dapat lebih.
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Inilah kegembiraan hidup.
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Paling teruk boleh beli arak di neraka,
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tapi tak boleh minum.
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Kenapalah orang mahu masuk syurga
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sedangkan di sini menarik.
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Fokus, ia datang.
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Kereta yang berkilat dan dililin,
80 peratus janji temu awak akan berjaya.
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Dan makan malam enak,
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kebab yang dibungkus, hampir 60 peratus.
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Tolak rupa paras, hampir 20 peratus.
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Jika kiraan saya betul,
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Saya ada 110 peratus peluang
untuk jemput Mariolka hari ini.
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Bagus.
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Bos akan pinjamkan kereta?
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Ya, tapi saya perlu buat sesuatu.
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Dia beri tangki kosong,
saya isi minyak sampai penuh.
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Ada orang datang. Menyorok!
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Salam sejahtera.
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- Salam sejahtera. Bos ada?
- Ya, ada.
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Boleh dengar dia berdengkur.
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Polis tak campur tangan.
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Katanya, setiap kematian hanya kemalangan
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atau serangan anjing.
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Mungkin ia kemalangan
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tapi jumlah kematian
meningkat dua kali ganda.
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Penduduk ketakutan,
macam hati kita takut semasa parti bujang.
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Hanya pemilik
pusat pengurusan mayat puas hati
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sebab tiada persaingan di bandar
dan perniagaan dia maju.
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Jika hal ini berterusan
dan populasi semakin menurun,
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bandar akan menjadi kampung,
dan saya akan jadi ketua kampung.
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Tolonglah, saya akan buat awak kaya.
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Saya setuju. Bayarannya 200 zloty.
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Lebih mahal jika ia urusan rasmi.
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Secara rasminya, saya berkecuali.
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Mari mulakan kerja!
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Awak tahu perkara yang berlaku?
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Saya ada syak wasangka.
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Marcinek dan si tolol, bersedia.
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Kita ada kerja.
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Tapi bagaimana bos?
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Kita dah bersetuju
saya boleh berjanji temu.
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Jika dia sayang awak, dia tunggu.
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Inilah kegembiraan!
20, 40, 60, 80… Hampir 100!
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Semuanya dalam masa seminggu.
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Bagi kami. Awak dapat berapa?
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Saya buat untung. Selamat!
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Selamat!
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Roman, apabila awak mati,
kami akan selamatkan roh awak. Betul?
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Ya!
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Tapi hanya jika awak beri wang pendahuluan
sebanyak 20 zloty. Selamat!
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Helo? Ya?
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Saya dah tulis. Saya datang. Semua!
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Dapat seorang lagi.
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Bagaimana? Kita tak buat apa pun hari ini.
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Saya rasa kadangkala
kemalangan memang berlaku.
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Duit jatuh ke riba kita!
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Kita sangat bertuah!
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Bertuah macam dalam rumah pelacuran!
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Selamat pagi. Ada apa?
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Bangsat yang acah pandai guna penjana.
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Memancing guna elektrik.
Tapi dia yang kena renjatan.
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Itu pelik.
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Sfinkter tak bocor.
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Apa-apalah. Saya akan uruskan.
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Blazej.
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Saya dah tak boleh makan piza.
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Helo?
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Bekas bodoh?
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Sila datang. Przemo dah gila.
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Dia tak mahu makan piza.
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Blazej, letak telefon, saya merayu.
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Baiklah, awak menang.
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Saya akan cuba.
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Awak perlu cuba.
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Jika awak tak cuba, awak lemah.
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Saya tahu, Blazej.
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Bertenang, saya akan makan.
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Tapi saya akan tinggalkan kerak.
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Baik. Awak memang lemah.
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Saya terima.
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Awak akan ambil roh ini?
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Saya bawa klien.
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Ya Tuhan. Baiklah.
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Baik, keluarga belum tuntut mayat dia,
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jadi saya akan pakaikan sut paling mahal.
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Saya akan kenakan bayaran yang tinggi,
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apabila mereka tengok bil,
mereka pun akan mati.
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- Wah, dia masih hangat.
- Bagus, lebih mudah.
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Przemo, tiarapkan dia.
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Baiklah.
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Sekejap, saya mahu keluar.
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Saya tak mahu tengok.
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Baiklah. Londeh seluar, roh keluar!
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Lihat, Przemo, dia lebih hebat.
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Saya lihat video
mereka letak balang di sini.
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Tapi bom tangan?
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Blazej, awak gila, letak semula.
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Bertenang, saya tahulah.
Sial, di mana pin itu?
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Apa yang awak buat, bangsat?
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Blazej simpan duit kami dalam poket dia!
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Saya akan bunuh awak!
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Jangan bergerak!
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Awak mahu tembak guna itu?
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Saya akan cuba.
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Mati di atas lantai!
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Tunggu beberapa minit untuk video baru.
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Dan main semula!
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- Domino, apa yang awak meraban?
- Apa?
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Terima kasih, En. Boner.
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Terima kasih sangat.
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Awak hancurkan mereka,
macam anak saya hancurkan kereta saya.
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sehari selepas dia dapat lesen.
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Sama-sama. Silalah panggil saya lagi.
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Saya harap saya tak perlu panggil.
Selamat tinggal.
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Bagaimana dengan dia? Bunuh dia?
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Rugilah kita. Mari humban dia
di bilik bawah tanah sesiapa.
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Kita tembak dia
selepas kita halau dia dari situ.
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Pandai.
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Boleh cepat?
Saya akan terlepas janji temu.
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Tengoklah dia. Dia bernafsu
macam Buttcifer dalam tandas.
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Baiklah, jom.
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Jika ada kesan calar,
saya akan calarkan muka awak.
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Ya, saya akan jaga.
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Isi minyak sampai penuh.
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Jangan risau, saya akan isi. Jumpa nanti.
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Sial, syaitan itu
masih di belakang. Marcinek!
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Dia terikat, dia tak boleh buat apa pun.
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Kita dah sampai.
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- Buat apa di ladang rai?
- Boleh buat apa dengan rai?
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Entah. Vodka. Kita minum.
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Orang buat apa dengan rai?
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Membanting rai.
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Itu satu petunjuk sebab
dah hampir dua tahun kita bercinta,
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jadi apa kata kita bermesra-mesraan?
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Akhirnya! Saya sangka awak akan
berdolak-dalik seumur hidup awak.
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Sentiasa filem, bunga,
makan malam romantik.
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Berat saya naik 30 kilogram
disebabkan kebab itu.
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Baguslah.
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Harap kita dapat pengalaman sama,
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sebab sebenarnya
saya tak pernah buat benda itu.
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Awak pernah buat?
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Jika selepas 12, lain kali.
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Mari sini!
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Berbaloi saya duduk
di atas bumbung sejauh 60 km.
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Saya harap saya boleh rakam.
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Tapi memori pun bolehlah.
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Lebih bagus, saya boleh tambah perincian.
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Mariolka!
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Saya akan tunjuk kepada dia,
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kaki dia akan patah terkulai.
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Syaitan!
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Kenapa pintu ini?
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Jangan pergi. Selepas ini awak pula.
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Sial, pada situasi macam ini.
Tak bolehkah dia tunggu 30 saat lagi?
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Sial, saya patut buat apa?
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Jika saya selamatkan Marcin,
pecahlah rahsia saya. Saya tahu!
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Saya akan bunuh awak!
Saya sumpah, saya akan bunuh awak!
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Angkat tangan, ini satu rompakan!
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Bertenang, saya tak akan cederakan awak.
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Teruskan, tapi Marcin
perlu pinjamkan telefon dia.
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Apa awak…
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Saya dah agak!
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TAMAT
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Penghalau hantu kurang tiga ratus
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Sebenarnya, dua ratus
Jika mahu bil, bayarlah lebih
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Jaga-jaga, Beelzebutt
Awak akan dibelasah
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Jaga-jaga, Buttcifer
Dia menyasarkan awak
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Terjemahan sari kata oleh
Zarifah Kamarulhisham