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NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

2
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THE GOLDEN BUDDHA

3
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You can all kiss my ass...

4
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and vice versa.

5
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Period.

6
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Signed – Franc Larson.

7
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My fish!

8
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I hope you'll end up in good hands...

9
00:00:55,626 --> 00:00:58,043
Or else no more daphnia for you.

10
00:01:06,876 --> 00:01:10,209
Correct. It's a revolver!

11
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This is a robbery.

12
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Hands up!

13
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-Seriously?
-No tricks!

14
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When I'm nervous,
I might accidentally pull the trigger.

15
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So, let's get serious now.

16
00:01:23,543 --> 00:01:27,793
Tell me where you keep your remote control
and I might spare you.

17
00:01:27,876 --> 00:01:29,084
Wait!

18
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,584
Is it real? I guess it is.

19
00:01:33,668 --> 00:01:36,251
You thought you could
outsmart me, didn't you?

20
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:38,918
No freaking way.

21
00:01:39,668 --> 00:01:41,376
It must be my lucky day.

22
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Go back to whatever you were doing.
I'm out of here.

23
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Go, go, go!

24
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Let's go! What a trip!
I even broke the aquarium just for fun!

25
00:02:04,584 --> 00:02:07,043
Enough is enough...

26
00:02:10,584 --> 00:02:15,251
Teresa, since you're already dead,
and you can't hear me,

27
00:02:15,334 --> 00:02:17,126
let me confess something.

28
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I didn't go behind the filter to poop.

29
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I actually cheated on you
with an algae-eater.

30
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He was amazing, really.

31
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Charged me only 50 zlotys.

32
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Got you.

33
00:02:33,376 --> 00:02:37,418
I'll get even with you
up in the fish heaven.

34
00:02:38,918 --> 00:02:41,668
Oh, man, that sucks. What should I do now?

35
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I know, fish hell! Shit, fuck, cock...

36
00:02:49,626 --> 00:02:51,459
This isn't a pet clinic, mister,

37
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but a serious construction
and dedevilization company.

38
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I'm here for the second one.
You sure it won't bite?

39
00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:02,418
OK, the fee is 200.
Three hundred with an invoice.

40
00:03:02,501 --> 00:03:05,959
Pay upfront. I've lost my patience,
so pay up or get out now.

41
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Three hundred and no invoice sounds OK.

42
00:03:10,126 --> 00:03:15,126
Well, would you care for a drink?
Coffee, tea? Something stronger?

43
00:03:15,209 --> 00:03:16,876
No, thank you. As I was saying,

44
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I got robbed and my living room
was destroyed.

45
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The offender came from Hell
and drove a black Nubira.

46
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Two-Barrel Bill.

47
00:03:26,209 --> 00:03:28,126
-What did he steal?
-My golden Buddha.

48
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Only one item, but very valuable.

49
00:03:32,918 --> 00:03:35,543
Good. We're gonna make
a news announcement,

50
00:03:35,626 --> 00:03:38,376
informing about a theft of the replica

51
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and disclosing
the location of the original.

52
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He'll return to get it,
and we'll catch him right on the spot.

53
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I'm afraid the media
won't be interested in covering this.

54
00:03:48,959 --> 00:03:51,918
Luckily for us, I know some people
at one of the TV networks.

55
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Yeah, finished.

56
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Excellent.

57
00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:12,334
Now, something harder.

58
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:14,793
-A shot of vodka.
-Do I really have to, boss?

59
00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:17,251
You do. Thanks to me,
you're growing up so fast.

60
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This calls for a toast!
To make sure the job will go smoothly.

61
00:04:21,501 --> 00:04:23,168
Go for it. It's all paid for.

62
00:04:23,251 --> 00:04:25,418
What? You didn't pay for it.

63
00:04:25,501 --> 00:04:28,959
Come on, we're gonna screw over
that dude from the pawn shop,

64
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and I'll pay off my debts
at every pub in Hell.

65
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I might even pay off my whore bills too.

66
00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:40,209
No, straight up.

67
00:04:41,751 --> 00:04:43,418
No, fight the reflux!

68
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-You are ready.
-Really?

69
00:04:50,418 --> 00:04:52,626
-You see that chick?
-Yeah.

70
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Go, pick her up.

71
00:04:54,293 --> 00:04:56,376
She's with some dude.

72
00:04:56,459 --> 00:04:58,876
That's the thing.

73
00:05:01,709 --> 00:05:05,959
I'm a fitness trainer at a gym.
I can get you a discount.

74
00:05:07,793 --> 00:05:09,043
Got a problem?

75
00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:10,543
Sorry.

76
00:05:10,626 --> 00:05:12,293
Hi there, wanna drink?

77
00:05:12,376 --> 00:05:14,043
No, you didn't.

78
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,084
That's it.

79
00:05:40,293 --> 00:05:41,293
Turn it up.

80
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Not only he was dumb but also stupid.

81
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He got turned on by some fake-gold shit
from a flea-market.

82
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I keep my valuables in a safe-box.

83
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And I actually spared your life... Kid!

84
00:05:54,918 --> 00:05:56,126
Yes, boss?

85
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Pick up your teeth.
We're going on the surface!

86
00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:17,626
He could've died from a levolver shot,

87
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but because mocked me,
I'll kill him with a lasso!

88
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You don't have a lasso permit, boss!

89
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You're relentless.

90
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He fucking pissed me off. Let's go.

91
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Ring the buzzer. My hands are busy.

92
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It's a bow, boss.
I can't just let go of the string.

93
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Gotta take a shot.

94
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:44,168
So shoot it. My hand's hurting already.

95
00:06:54,293 --> 00:06:56,293
Ouch, my hand's gone numb.

96
00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,959
He's not home.
Maybe we should go back to Hell?

97
00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:02,293
Maybe we should kick your ass?

98
00:07:07,959 --> 00:07:11,709
This place is awesome,
but not really my style.

99
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Not enough fancy shit.

100
00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:19,043
Shh...

101
00:07:20,168 --> 00:07:21,959
Show me your hands, loser.

102
00:07:22,043 --> 00:07:23,709
I have you at gunpoint.

103
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Two-Barrel Bill.

104
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Oh no, it's you again. What do you want?

105
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This.

106
00:07:33,834 --> 00:07:38,209
You thought I'd go for that cheap shit?

107
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Where's the original?

108
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You're holding it.

109
00:07:43,626 --> 00:07:46,501
Correct. You got played.

110
00:07:46,584 --> 00:07:48,918
Now, say your final goodbyes.

111
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Don't worry, it won't hurt.

112
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You're gonna feel
a slight punch on your forehead.

113
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It's like French sex with no lights on.

114
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Ready?

115
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Sorry, man!

116
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You're dead already!

117
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It looks pretty easy in the movies.

118
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Change of plans, kid.

119
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I run back to Nubira
to get some bullets, and you fire!

120
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Oops.

121
00:08:16,376 --> 00:08:17,709
He's not working alone.

122
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-Wanna chase him?
-No need.

123
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We got the figurine back,
and the perpetrator was punished.

124
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His associate's gone, so the job's done.

125
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Done, fine. But there won't be any bonus.

126
00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:32,043
Get out now. I've got stuff to do.

127
00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:35,668
OK, see you. We'll be happy to help again.

128
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What a day.

129
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The guy totally overpaid,
and we got rid of Two-Asshole Bill.

130
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-You mean Two-Barrel...
-I didn't really look at him that closely.

131
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The radiator's broken.

132
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Won't drive too far.

133
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There's only one place where he can be.

134
00:08:59,168 --> 00:09:02,501
You'll replace the radiator or...

135
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,709
Are you kidding me?
Wanna hurt me with air?

136
00:09:07,918 --> 00:09:10,084
What is this? Stop it, now.

137
00:09:10,168 --> 00:09:11,959
I'm gonna blow up! Shut it down.

138
00:09:12,043 --> 00:09:13,793
OK, I'll fix it.

139
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Good...

140
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You're a real weirdo.

141
00:09:22,293 --> 00:09:23,918
And a sadistic one, too.

142
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Just do your job...

143
00:09:30,084 --> 00:09:31,293
Damn it.

144
00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:36,251
Get rid of the dog. He's gonna hear us.

145
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:39,876
He must've smelled alcohol.
Dogs hate it. I'll handle it.

146
00:09:39,959 --> 00:09:40,876
Fafik, come...

147
00:09:41,543 --> 00:09:42,626
Ouch!

148
00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:45,543
You know as much about dogs,
as Charlie Sheen about condoms.

149
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:49,209
He bites, because he's afraid.
Gotta squat to be at his level.

150
00:09:49,293 --> 00:09:51,876
Hands behind the back,
so he can see I mean no harm.

151
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,543
And a friendly voice...

152
00:09:54,584 --> 00:09:55,626
Here, doggie.

153
00:09:57,543 --> 00:09:59,084
Help!

154
00:10:00,459 --> 00:10:01,668
OK!

155
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,793
Back to the kennel, you son of a bitch!

156
00:10:04,876 --> 00:10:08,709
These village pooches
are only afraid of men with a stick.

157
00:10:10,626 --> 00:10:11,793
Where is he?

158
00:10:13,709 --> 00:10:14,876
Follow him!

159
00:10:18,834 --> 00:10:20,793
Wrong way, boss!

160
00:10:20,876 --> 00:10:24,876
I know a shortcut.
Follow him and I'll cut him off!

161
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:30,876
They're after me
like a teenager's after porn.

162
00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:35,209
Tagged!

163
00:10:35,293 --> 00:10:37,376
Wait. Let's talk first.

164
00:10:37,459 --> 00:10:38,876
Here, take his wallet...

165
00:10:38,959 --> 00:10:42,709
There is no money inside,
but there will be once you put some in.

166
00:10:44,626 --> 00:10:45,876
Whose picture is it?

167
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:49,543
He's got him! Don't shoot, boss.

168
00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:53,543
Not yet! I wanna see it!

169
00:10:56,168 --> 00:10:57,876
Run, before I change my mind.

170
00:10:59,876 --> 00:11:03,459
Boss! Why did you let him go?

171
00:11:03,543 --> 00:11:05,501
Shut up! You don't know who that was.

172
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-Some big fish?
-Worse!

173
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My son...

174
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,668
THE END