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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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[dog barking in distance]
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SICK LEAVE
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[guns firing]
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Pump lead into them
like shit into a diaper!
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[imitating machine gun]
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You mean blindly?
9
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Of course, I meant blindly!
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We are all poor shots anyways
so it's more accurate to shoot blindly!
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Boss, I really don't get it.
12
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I'm shooting blanks to scare them off,
but they're not scared at all.
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Unscrew the damn silencer, asshole!
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Oh shit, that's really loud.
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[sniffles]
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Rafał, blow your fucking nose
and stop swallowing those boogers,
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or you're gonna make me throw up!
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[blowing nose]
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You think you're so fancy, don't you?
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Mateo, look around you.
We live in the fucking sewers.
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It smells like morning breath,
and it's very damp.
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[sniffles] It's steamy like a sauna,
and bugs everywhere.
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Don't exaggerate.
There aren't any bugs here.
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No, you're right, not even bugs want
to live down here.
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We feed on whatever we find
in the sewage. [blows nose]
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For breakfast, you had--
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Okay, enough. I know what the fuck I ate.
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With toilet paper still on it!
But a runny nose matters? [sneezes]
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Aah, and it's cold.
No wonder I get so sick down here.
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[guns firing]
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[farts]
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Oh, crap! [sniffles]
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They fucking killed Marenski!
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You bastards! Well, now these guys
really crossed the line.
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They could have just gotten shot
in the face,
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but now, they will taste my little fists.
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Hop! [grunts]
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Mateo, there's a ladder for that,
you idiot.
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[grunting]
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[gun firing]
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Anyone who messes
with the Demon Sewerators,
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can go ahead and say goodbye
to their teeth!
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[sniffles, yelling]
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-[gun firing]
-[grunting]
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[laughs]
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I am Ninjaman,
and your face is a freaking punching bag!
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[punching]
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Leave the boss alone! Aah!
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Oh crap, Domino, are you okay?
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Just die already!
My hands are starting to fucking bruise.
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[straining]
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[sneezing]
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Why you!
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[grunts]
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Phew, we got the job done, guys.
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Well, that was a lot easier
than I thought.
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Let's get the fuck out of here.
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It's steamy like a sauna
and smells like morning breath.
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Well, at least we don't have to worry
about bugs.
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EXORCIST OFFICE / BONER RENOVATION
AND CONSTRUCTION SERVICES
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[groaning] Oh sweet Jesus…
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[sniffles] …the bastard
must have given me something.
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Marcin, give me a shot, please.
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Hey, boss.
How about a tissue first, maybe?
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Do I look like a fucking woman?
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[sniffles, gulps]
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Now I'll need two fucking shots.
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You really want two shots?
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What I really want is
the whole damn bottle,
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but I only have half of it left. [sneezes]
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-Oh Lord, I'm going to fucking die.
-[brakes squealing]
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[vehicle door closes]
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[door opens, closes]
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Help me, mister. Good morning.
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My wife got possessed.
She swelled up like a balloon.
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She's bloated like
she's just eaten meatballs.
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Her eyes bulged out like a toad's.
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She's spitting venom,
disgusting black gunk.
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And she's cussing at me
as if I came home drunk yesterday
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in the early hours of the morning.
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And I hadn't even drank, because it was
a quarter before midnight at the time.
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I said, "I will go to the priest
for some help."
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I did. And the priest said
he would help me, you know?
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But I would have to pay him
a voluntary donation up front.
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I said, "No! That's too fucking much."
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Do I look like I shit money?
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Help me at a bargain price, sir.
I'm sure we can make a deal.
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How much does it cost for your help?
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Today… [sniffles] It's nothing
because I'm taking a sick day.
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Please have some mercy on me, it's urgent.
91
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Forget it, mister.
I have to rest and take my medicine today.
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I promise I'll pay.
How much? Five hundred?
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Hmm. Five hundred, huh?
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Fine. Here's what we'll do.
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Marcinek, you go with the man
and take the idiot.
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I'll guide you over the phone,
tell you what to do.
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Oh shit, a demon!
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Calm down, he's… [sneezes] …tame.
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Hello, boss man? We're here
and we are about to head into the house.
100
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First you have to
check out the situation inside.
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You're calling too soon. Do you want me
to spend a fortune on my phone bill?
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First of all, I'm the one calling you,
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and secondly, I have an unlimited
text and call cell phone plan.
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But I am paying the electricity bill
since my phone is on the charger. See ya.
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[sighs]
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Lead the way.
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[dramatic music playing]
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She's upstairs.
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In the bedroom.
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Well then, let's go.
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Go ahead.
I've heard enough of her shit today.
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-She even spat on me.
-All right then, I've got this.
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-I'll tell her that I'm your son.
-But we don't have any kids.
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The demon doesn't know that.
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If he possessed her body,
then he will think that I am your son.
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Listen, Domino,
here's what we'll do. [whispering]
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[man on TV] Lewandowski, Lewandowski.
No. Wait a minute, that's not Lewandowski.
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Put your hands up
and give me all of your jewelry,
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or else your stupid brat son gets it!
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-[man] Driving down the field--
-[in demonic voice] Wait. Pause this.
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Uh, I have a son? Never mind.
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First of all, go ahead and cut him,
I would love to watch that.
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And secondly,
you are just an ordinary demon.
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Get the hell out of here!
This place is taken.
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I possessed this woman
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so that I could watch
the Champions Soccer League in peace,
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not so I could discuss it
with some peasants like you.
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And not during the match.
129
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Oh, the Champions League?
130
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Can I watch with you, man?
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How dare you address me
with such little respect.
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-Don't you know who I am?
-Actually, I have no idea.
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Then I will show you,
but don't get too excited though.
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-[straining] Dumbass.
-[in normal voice] Um, what happened?
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-[in demonic voice] Fuck you all!
-Uh-oh. Goodbye now.
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[door slams]
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[man on TV] …crossing, crossing,
and the ball is out.
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Yeah?
139
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It's not looking good, boss.
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I know. I just ran out of all my medicine.
141
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No, not that.
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That woman who got possessed by a demon,
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Domino says it is someone by the name
of Anael or something like that.
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-[bottle shatters]
-Anael!
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Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
146
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I hope you didn't go inside and disturb
him while he was watching the game.
147
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Well, I didn't. Domino.
But he didn't do anything to him.
148
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He's a demon.
149
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The only reason you got out of there
was pure luck, not any skill
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which really isn't saying much.
151
00:06:19,043 --> 00:06:21,543
But you did a great job
not trying to fight the demon.
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Either way,
get the hell out of there right now.
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When the final whistle blows,
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and he finds the outcome
of the game unsatisfactory,
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he will turn your asses
into a smorgasbord.
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Anael has only one weakness,
and that is his true mortal enemy.
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-The mighty Classicosaurus.
-[dramatic music plays]
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[sneezes]
159
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-You have the cheapest beer?
-Affirmative.
160
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-Do you have a cable tie snare?
-Affirmative.
161
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-You got a stick?
-Affirmative.
162
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-Flute?
-Affirmative.
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-Some poop?
-Domino's working on it.
164
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-Midnight?
-Midnight's n two minutes.
165
00:06:56,376 --> 00:06:59,126
What? Then install the system,
you fucking morons,
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or it will be too late to catch him.
167
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-Yes, sir.
-[disconnects call]
168
00:07:04,543 --> 00:07:06,543
[crickets chirping]
169
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[Domino] How is this supposed to work?
170
00:07:09,543 --> 00:07:13,876
Classicosaurus, lured in by a magic spell
and a beautiful melody,
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will appear at the top of the hill.
172
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Then he will see the beer and run to it.
173
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While running he will step into the poop,
174
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so he will stop to clean his hoof
with the stick.
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At that point, you will pull
that cord that you are holding,
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the loop will tighten around his ankle,
and we'll have him.
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Great. This is absolutely
the perfect plan.
178
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Nothing can possibly go wrong here.
179
00:07:32,584 --> 00:07:34,959
Oh crap,
it's eight seconds to midnight. Hide.
180
00:07:36,376 --> 00:07:39,418
"Hear the melody
of this beautiful flute, demon,
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and follow me to receive your loot."
182
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[playing flute]
183
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Who is the one murdering that pipe though?
184
00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:54,543
I hate that stupid fucking melody. Aah!
185
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You are so dead now, dick-breath.
186
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Wait, wait. Hold on.
There's a beer over there.
187
00:08:04,626 --> 00:08:05,709
Why, you little!
188
00:08:05,793 --> 00:08:07,626
I have a severe alcohol allergy.
189
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:10,501
I think you were trying
to fucking kill me! [roars]
190
00:08:10,584 --> 00:08:13,126
Sir! Sir! Wait.
We happen to know where Anael is!
191
00:08:14,043 --> 00:08:15,668
You are fucking kidding me.
192
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,793
[alarm beeping]
193
00:08:23,876 --> 00:08:27,126
[in demonic voice] What? What's going on?
Um, What… What time is it?
194
00:08:27,209 --> 00:08:30,251
it's twenty-seven past two.
Oh, fucking awesome.
195
00:08:30,334 --> 00:08:32,918
There's a replay of the match
in just three minutes.
196
00:08:33,001 --> 00:08:35,293
Tottenham home game against Lokomotiv.
197
00:08:35,376 --> 00:08:36,834
I already know the score though,
198
00:08:36,918 --> 00:08:40,043
but I didn't watch it carefully because
I kept having to go to the bathroom.
199
00:08:40,126 --> 00:08:41,001
I mean, she did.
200
00:08:41,084 --> 00:08:42,001
The question now is:
201
00:08:42,084 --> 00:08:44,418
should I go now
and risk being late for the kickoff,
202
00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:46,751
or should I hold it in
until the halftime break?
203
00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:49,459
I can't pause it because I am recording
Shakhtar versus Inter,
204
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:50,959
and that will stop it.
205
00:08:51,043 --> 00:08:53,209
Hold on. What is the problem here?
206
00:08:53,293 --> 00:08:55,293
I forgot this isn't my bed. [chuckles]
207
00:08:55,376 --> 00:08:56,709
-[urinating]
-[sighs] Ah.
208
00:08:56,793 --> 00:08:59,293
Jesus, I gotta make sure
that I don't fucking fall asleep again.
209
00:08:59,376 --> 00:09:01,918
-[tapping on window]
-What is that tapping on the window?
210
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,293
What in the devil?
211
00:09:04,376 --> 00:09:07,376
[indistinct chatter, laughter on TV]
212
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,126
[dramatic music playing]
213
00:09:09,209 --> 00:09:11,001
Classicosaurus!
214
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,043
Hold on. Pause this. Oh no, wait!
215
00:09:13,126 --> 00:09:14,751
Well, so much for Shakhtar.
216
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,876
You are going to regret this!
217
00:09:17,001 --> 00:09:20,459
Hey! Try throwing those at your head,
you dusty skin flute. What do you want?
218
00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:21,959
[laughs]
219
00:09:22,043 --> 00:09:23,834
He possessed an old fat lady!
220
00:09:23,918 --> 00:09:24,751
Wait a sec.
221
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:27,209
The guys are gonna have a field day
with all these photos.
222
00:09:27,293 --> 00:09:29,376
Don't you dare!
I do not consent to any of it!
223
00:09:29,459 --> 00:09:31,626
Holy shit! I am going to… [grunts]
224
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Just a second. [groaning]
I can't get through it.
225
00:09:34,959 --> 00:09:37,126
[laughs] Come on, come on.
I'm taking a video.
226
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:38,126
You'll regret this!
227
00:09:38,209 --> 00:09:40,043
[grunting]
228
00:09:40,126 --> 00:09:41,209
[grunts]
229
00:09:41,293 --> 00:09:43,293
[both grunting]
230
00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:47,959
He left her body,
and now they are outside fighting.
231
00:09:48,043 --> 00:09:49,376
That's very good. [sniffles]
232
00:09:49,459 --> 00:09:51,626
If Classicosaurus is sober at all,
233
00:09:51,709 --> 00:09:53,459
then we have a really good chance
of winning.
234
00:09:53,543 --> 00:09:55,084
There is just kind of a little problem.
235
00:09:55,168 --> 00:09:57,043
Classicosaurus couldn't
resist the temptation
236
00:09:57,126 --> 00:09:59,543
and drank the beer despite
having a severe alcohol allergy.
237
00:09:59,626 --> 00:10:00,793
Oh crap. Did he puke?
238
00:10:00,876 --> 00:10:01,709
Just a second.
239
00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:02,793
[vomiting]
240
00:10:02,876 --> 00:10:04,293
-He's puking now.
-Excellent then.
241
00:10:04,376 --> 00:10:05,876
There's a chance that'll sober him up.
242
00:10:06,043 --> 00:10:07,876
[vomiting, grunting]
243
00:10:07,959 --> 00:10:09,126
[laughs]
244
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,793
And now what,
you piece of Classicosaurus-scum?
245
00:10:11,876 --> 00:10:14,251
-This was so worth it.
-Are you sure about that?
246
00:10:14,334 --> 00:10:16,126
Look down at your ugly ass.
247
00:10:16,959 --> 00:10:20,501
Why, you treacherous fucking Judas!
When did you have the time to do that?
248
00:10:20,584 --> 00:10:23,418
I would rather die
than tell you how sneaky I am.
249
00:10:23,501 --> 00:10:25,209
[grunts, farts]
250
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:26,793
Well, okay then.
251
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,418
Be very careful now. It's not too bad.
252
00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,418
Oh! There, I got it out.
253
00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:33,334
[laughs] It will heal in no time.
254
00:10:33,418 --> 00:10:36,376
Now, let's run inside
and watch the second half of the game!
255
00:10:36,459 --> 00:10:37,293
[grunts]
256
00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:42,626
-We fucking got him!
-That's it? It's really over?
257
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,959
-Tereska, is that you?
-[sniffing] You drank!
258
00:10:45,043 --> 00:10:45,918
-[slapping]
-[grunts]
259
00:10:46,001 --> 00:10:48,126
-Yeah, that's her.
-[scoffs] Hey, boss.
260
00:10:48,209 --> 00:10:50,043
The mission
has been successfully completed.
261
00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:51,459
That's wonderful. [sniffles]
262
00:10:51,543 --> 00:10:54,126
Come back now, but stop
and get me some medicine on the way.
263
00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:57,334
-From the drugstore?
-No, from the liquor store, Marcinek.
264
00:10:57,418 --> 00:10:59,043
From the fucking liquor store.
265
00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:00,376
THE END
266
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,459
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
267
00:11:02,543 --> 00:11:05,709
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
268
00:11:05,793 --> 00:11:08,626
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
269
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:12,001
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
270
00:11:12,084 --> 00:11:16,834
[malevolent laugh]