A NETFLIX SERIES
[theme music playing]
[dog barking in distance]
SICK LEAVE
[guns firing]
Pump lead into them like shit into a diaper!
[imitating machine gun]
You mean blindly?
Of course, I meant blindly!
We are all poor shots anyways so it's more accurate to shoot blindly!
Boss, I really don't get it.
I'm shooting blanks to scare them off, but they're not scared at all.
Unscrew the damn silencer, asshole!
Oh shit, that's really loud.
[sniffles]
Rafał, blow your fucking nose and stop swallowing those boogers,
or you're gonna make me throw up!
[blowing nose]
You think you're so fancy, don't you?
Mateo, look around you. We live in the fucking sewers.
It smells like morning breath, and it's very damp.
[sniffles] It's steamy like a sauna, and bugs everywhere.
Don't exaggerate. There aren't any bugs here.
No, you're right, not even bugs want to live down here.
We feed on whatever we find in the sewage. [blows nose]
For breakfast, you had--
Okay, enough. I know what the fuck I ate.
With toilet paper still on it! But a runny nose matters? [sneezes]
Aah, and it's cold. No wonder I get so sick down here.
[guns firing]
[farts]
Oh, crap! [sniffles]
They fucking killed Marenski!
You bastards! Well, now these guys really crossed the line.
They could have just gotten shot in the face,
but now, they will taste my little fists.
Hop! [grunts]
Mateo, there's a ladder for that, you idiot.
[grunting]
[gun firing]
Anyone who messes with the Demon Sewerators,
can go ahead and say goodbye to their teeth!
[sniffles, yelling]
-[gun firing] -[grunting]
[laughs]
I am Ninjaman, and your face is a freaking punching bag!
[punching]
Leave the boss alone! Aah!
Oh crap, Domino, are you okay?
Just die already! My hands are starting to fucking bruise.
[straining]
[sneezing]
Why you!
[grunts]
Phew, we got the job done, guys.
Well, that was a lot easier than I thought.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
It's steamy like a sauna and smells like morning breath.
Well, at least we don't have to worry about bugs.
EXORCIST OFFICE / BONER RENOVATION AND CONSTRUCTION SERVICES
[groaning] Oh sweet Jesus…
[sniffles] …the bastard must have given me something.
Marcin, give me a shot, please.
Hey, boss. How about a tissue first, maybe?
Do I look like a fucking woman?
[sniffles, gulps]
Now I'll need two fucking shots.
You really want two shots?
What I really want is the whole damn bottle,
but I only have half of it left. [sneezes]
-Oh Lord, I'm going to fucking die. -[brakes squealing]
[vehicle door closes]
[door opens, closes]
Help me, mister. Good morning.
My wife got possessed. She swelled up like a balloon.
She's bloated like she's just eaten meatballs.
Her eyes bulged out like a toad's.
She's spitting venom, disgusting black gunk.
And she's cussing at me as if I came home drunk yesterday
in the early hours of the morning.
And I hadn't even drank, because it was a quarter before midnight at the time.
I said, "I will go to the priest for some help."
I did. And the priest said he would help me, you know?
But I would have to pay him a voluntary donation up front.
I said, "No! That's too fucking much."
Do I look like I shit money?
Help me at a bargain price, sir. I'm sure we can make a deal.
How much does it cost for your help?
Today… [sniffles] It's nothing because I'm taking a sick day.
Please have some mercy on me, it's urgent.
Forget it, mister. I have to rest and take my medicine today.
I promise I'll pay. How much? Five hundred?
Hmm. Five hundred, huh?
Fine. Here's what we'll do.
Marcinek, you go with the man and take the idiot.
I'll guide you over the phone, tell you what to do.
Oh shit, a demon!
Calm down, he's… [sneezes] …tame.
Hello, boss man? We're here and we are about to head into the house.
First you have to check out the situation inside.
You're calling too soon. Do you want me to spend a fortune on my phone bill?
First of all, I'm the one calling you,
and secondly, I have an unlimited text and call cell phone plan.
But I am paying the electricity bill since my phone is on the charger. See ya.
[sighs]
Lead the way.
[dramatic music playing]
She's upstairs.
In the bedroom.
Well then, let's go.
Go ahead. I've heard enough of her shit today.
-She even spat on me. -All right then, I've got this.
-I'll tell her that I'm your son. -But we don't have any kids.
The demon doesn't know that.
If he possessed her body, then he will think that I am your son.
Listen, Domino, here's what we'll do. [whispering]
[man on TV] Lewandowski, Lewandowski. No. Wait a minute, that's not Lewandowski.
Put your hands up and give me all of your jewelry,
or else your stupid brat son gets it!
-[man] Driving down the field-- -[in demonic voice] Wait. Pause this.
Uh, I have a son? Never mind.
First of all, go ahead and cut him, I would love to watch that.
And secondly, you are just an ordinary demon.
Get the hell out of here! This place is taken.
I possessed this woman
so that I could watch the Champions Soccer League in peace,
not so I could discuss it with some peasants like you.
And not during the match.
Oh, the Champions League?
Can I watch with you, man?
How dare you address me with such little respect.
-Don't you know who I am? -Actually, I have no idea.
Then I will show you, but don't get too excited though.
-[straining] Dumbass. -[in normal voice] Um, what happened?
-[in demonic voice] Fuck you all! -Uh-oh. Goodbye now.
[door slams]
[man on TV] …crossing, crossing, and the ball is out.
Yeah?
It's not looking good, boss.
I know. I just ran out of all my medicine.
No, not that.
That woman who got possessed by a demon,
Domino says it is someone by the name of Anael or something like that.
-[bottle shatters] -Anael!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
I hope you didn't go inside and disturb him while he was watching the game.
Well, I didn't. Domino. But he didn't do anything to him.
He's a demon.
The only reason you got out of there was pure luck, not any skill
which really isn't saying much.
But you did a great job not trying to fight the demon.
Either way, get the hell out of there right now.
When the final whistle blows,
and he finds the outcome of the game unsatisfactory,
he will turn your asses into a smorgasbord.
Anael has only one weakness, and that is his true mortal enemy.
-The mighty Classicosaurus. -[dramatic music plays]
[sneezes]
-You have the cheapest beer? -Affirmative.
-Do you have a cable tie snare? -Affirmative.
-You got a stick? -Affirmative.
-Flute? -Affirmative.
-Some poop? -Domino's working on it.
-Midnight? -Midnight's n two minutes.
What? Then install the system, you fucking morons,
or it will be too late to catch him.
-Yes, sir. -[disconnects call]
[crickets chirping]
[Domino] How is this supposed to work?
Classicosaurus, lured in by a magic spell and a beautiful melody,
will appear at the top of the hill.
Then he will see the beer and run to it.
While running he will step into the poop,
so he will stop to clean his hoof with the stick.
At that point, you will pull that cord that you are holding,
the loop will tighten around his ankle, and we'll have him.
Great. This is absolutely the perfect plan.
Nothing can possibly go wrong here.
Oh crap, it's eight seconds to midnight. Hide.
"Hear the melody of this beautiful flute, demon,
and follow me to receive your loot."
[playing flute]
Who is the one murdering that pipe though?
I hate that stupid fucking melody. Aah!
You are so dead now, dick-breath.
Wait, wait. Hold on. There's a beer over there.
Why, you little!
I have a severe alcohol allergy.
I think you were trying to fucking kill me! [roars]
Sir! Sir! Wait. We happen to know where Anael is!
You are fucking kidding me.
[alarm beeping]
[in demonic voice] What? What's going on? Um, What… What time is it?
it's twenty-seven past two. Oh, fucking awesome.
There's a replay of the match in just three minutes.
Tottenham home game against Lokomotiv.
I already know the score though,
but I didn't watch it carefully because I kept having to go to the bathroom.
I mean, she did.
The question now is:
should I go now and risk being late for the kickoff,
or should I hold it in until the halftime break?
I can't pause it because I am recording Shakhtar versus Inter,
and that will stop it.
Hold on. What is the problem here?
I forgot this isn't my bed. [chuckles]
-[urinating] -[sighs] Ah.
Jesus, I gotta make sure that I don't fucking fall asleep again.
-[tapping on window] -What is that tapping on the window?
What in the devil?
[indistinct chatter, laughter on TV]
[dramatic music playing]
Classicosaurus!
Hold on. Pause this. Oh no, wait!
Well, so much for Shakhtar.
You are going to regret this!
Hey! Try throwing those at your head, you dusty skin flute. What do you want?
[laughs]
He possessed an old fat lady!
Wait a sec.
The guys are gonna have a field day with all these photos.
Don't you dare! I do not consent to any of it!
Holy shit! I am going to… [grunts]
Just a second. [groaning] I can't get through it.
[laughs] Come on, come on. I'm taking a video.
You'll regret this!
[grunting]
[grunts]
[both grunting]
He left her body, and now they are outside fighting.
That's very good. [sniffles]
If Classicosaurus is sober at all,
then we have a really good chance of winning.
There is just kind of a little problem.
Classicosaurus couldn't resist the temptation
and drank the beer despite having a severe alcohol allergy.
Oh crap. Did he puke?
Just a second.
[vomiting]
-He's puking now. -Excellent then.
There's a chance that'll sober him up.
[vomiting, grunting]
[laughs]
And now what, you piece of Classicosaurus-scum?
-This was so worth it. -Are you sure about that?
Look down at your ugly ass.
Why, you treacherous fucking Judas! When did you have the time to do that?
I would rather die than tell you how sneaky I am.
[grunts, farts]
Well, okay then.
Be very careful now. It's not too bad.
Oh! There, I got it out.
[laughs] It will heal in no time.
Now, let's run inside and watch the second half of the game!
[grunts]
-We fucking got him! -That's it? It's really over?
-Tereska, is that you? -[sniffing] You drank!
-[slapping] -[grunts]
-Yeah, that's her. -[scoffs] Hey, boss.
The mission has been successfully completed.
That's wonderful. [sniffles]
Come back now, but stop and get me some medicine on the way.
-From the drugstore? -No, from the liquor store, Marcinek.
From the fucking liquor store.
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]