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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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THE GOLDEN BUDDHA
4
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[thunder rumbling]
5
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"And you can all kiss my smooth nuts
and upscale lily-white ass."
6
00:00:26,334 --> 00:00:30,126
"And that goes
vice versa as well." Period.
7
00:00:30,709 --> 00:00:32,126
"Yours truly and sincerely,
8
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Franz Larson the Third once removed."
9
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[sighs]
10
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My favorite fish!
11
00:00:52,251 --> 00:00:55,334
I really hope all of you will end up
in good hands.
12
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Or you might as well
forget about living a long life.
13
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[tense music playing]
14
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[sighs]
15
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[swishing]
16
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[Double-Shot Bill] You are correct.
This is a revolver.
17
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And this is a robbery.
18
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Stick 'em up high!
19
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Seriously?
20
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Whoa! Don't pull any tricks, okay?
21
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Because I'm so nervous right now
I might just pull the trigger by accident.
22
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Now let's get down to business.
23
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Tell me where the DVD remote is
and just maybe I'll spare your life.
24
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Oh, wait!
25
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:32,084
Is that real gold?
26
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I think it is.
27
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You thought
you were gonna outsmart me, huh?
28
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Yeah right. No fucking way, Jose!
29
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[cackles] Today is my lucky day, partner.
30
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Okay, go back
to whatever you were doing. I'm off.
31
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[tense music playing]
32
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[glass shattering]
33
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Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Let's bounce! [chuckles]
34
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Holy smokes!
I even broke the aquarium for laughs.
35
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-[engine revving]
-[tires screeching]
36
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[dramatic music plays]
37
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That was the very last fucking straw.
38
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[mouth popping]
39
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Teresa, since you're already dead
and you can't hear me,
40
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I have a terrible confession to make.
41
00:02:17,793 --> 00:02:21,126
I didn't just
swim behind the filter to poop.
42
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I was regularly cheating on you
with the seahorse.
43
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And believe me, he's good at what he does.
44
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And I would ride him six ways
from Sunday for just 50 złoty.
45
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-Got ya!
-[screams]
46
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Just you wait until I get my fins on you
in fish heaven, you two-timer!
47
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[groans]
48
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Oh damn, I screwed up.
49
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Oh, what to do? What to do?
50
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I know! I'll go to fish hell!
51
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Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, fuck!
52
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[croaks]
53
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[Boner] Buddy, this ain't a vet's office.
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We're a serious company specializing
in renovation and demon control.
55
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I'm primarily interested in the latter.
56
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As long as it's affordable.
57
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All right, fine, whatever.
Two hundred złoty.
58
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Three hundred if you want an invoice.
59
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Paid upfront,
'cause I've lost my patience.
60
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Or you can get lost.
61
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Three hundred's good. No invoice needed.
62
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Eh… [chuckles]
63
00:03:10,084 --> 00:03:12,209
Well, would you care
for something to drink?
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Coffee, cup of tea?
65
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,126
Maybe something a bit stronger?
66
00:03:15,209 --> 00:03:16,543
No, thank you. As I was saying,
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I was brutally robbed, and my living room
was completely destroyed.
68
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The culprit came from the depths of Hell
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and drove away
in a pimped-out black Dodge Intrepid.
70
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Good ol' Double-Shot Bill.
So what did he end up taking?
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A priceless golden Buddha.
72
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:32,626
Hmm, it was just the one item,
but a valuable one for sure.
73
00:03:32,709 --> 00:03:33,793
Very good, then.
74
00:03:33,876 --> 00:03:35,501
We'll come up with a full-proof plan.
75
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We're gonna announce on the evening news
that he stole a replica.
76
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and disclose the location of the original.
77
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He'll come back for it,
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and when he does,
he'll fall right into our loving arms.
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I'm afraid it'll be difficult
80
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to get the media
to cover such a trivial story.
81
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Luckily, I have some pull
at a certain TV network.
82
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[dramatic music plays]
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[muffled music playing]
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TOILET IN THE MAIN ROOM
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[exhales]
86
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Okay, all finished. [burps]
87
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Excellent, partner.
88
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Now, for something a lot stronger.
89
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A shot of vodka.
90
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Do I have to, boss?
91
00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:17,126
You do. It's thanks to me,
you're growing up so fast.
92
00:04:17,209 --> 00:04:21,251
Besides, if we don't want bad luck,
we need to toast to a successful heist.
93
00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:23,043
Go for it. It's all paid for.
94
00:04:23,126 --> 00:04:25,376
It's all paid for?
You mean you put it all on your tab.
95
00:04:25,459 --> 00:04:28,626
Don't you worry! Once we sell
this fucking statue in a pawn shop,
96
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I'll be able to pay off all my debts
in the pubs in Hell.
97
00:04:31,501 --> 00:04:35,668
And who knows,
I might even pay off my brothel bills.
98
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:37,793
-[coughs]
-No!
99
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Drink it straight. No chaser.
100
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-[gulps]
-Fight the reflux.
101
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[gulps]
102
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And now you are ready.
103
00:04:49,418 --> 00:04:50,293
I am? Really?
104
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-You see that chick there?
-Uh-huh.
105
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Go hit on her.
106
00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:56,293
But she's with some brawny dude already.
107
00:04:56,376 --> 00:04:58,793
That's exactly the point, you see.
108
00:05:01,709 --> 00:05:04,168
You know,
I'm a fitness instructor at a gym.
109
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I could get you a discount if you want.
110
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[laughs]
111
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Got a problem?
112
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Excuse me! Get lost, man!
113
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Hi there. So what are we drinking?
114
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Why, you!
115
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[grunts]
116
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[grunts]
117
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[grunting]
118
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[laughs]
119
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[groans]
120
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[demons shouting]
121
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[cackles] Yeah, that's it!
122
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Yee-haw!
123
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TELE-FIB
124
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Bartender, turn it up.
125
00:05:42,459 --> 00:05:44,626
Not only was he dumb, he was also stupid.
126
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:47,126
He stole some gold-painted trash
from the flea-market.
127
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The statue is a fake.
128
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Obviously, I keep my valuables in a safe.
129
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And I actually spared your life.
130
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Come on, kid!
131
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Yeah, boss? [groans]
132
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Pick up your teeth!
133
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We're going to the surface!
134
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[dramatic music plays]
135
00:06:01,543 --> 00:06:02,751
[music stops abruptly]
136
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[upbeat music playing]
137
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[brakes screeching]
138
00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:17,543
He could've died from a revolver shot,
139
00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:20,501
but because he made me
into a laughingstock,
140
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I'll kill him with a lasso!
141
00:06:22,626 --> 00:06:25,168
You don't even have a lasso permit, boss!
142
00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:27,084
Wow, you're just so fucking ruthless.
143
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He pissed me off. Let's go.
144
00:06:33,709 --> 00:06:35,543
Hit the doorbell. My hands are busy.
145
00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:37,543
It's a bow, boss. I can't unload it.
146
00:06:37,626 --> 00:06:40,876
Once I've drawn the string back,
then that's it. I gotta take a shot.
147
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Then shoot it somewhere,
148
00:06:42,043 --> 00:06:44,959
'cause my hand is starting to cramp
from all this spinning.
149
00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:46,459
[doorbell rings]
150
00:06:54,084 --> 00:06:56,668
Aah! Goddamn it, wait!
My hand's gone numb.
151
00:06:56,751 --> 00:06:58,293
Mmm, I don't think he's home.
152
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,251
Maybe we should just go back
to Hell now, okay?
153
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:02,293
Better idea.
Maybe I should just kick your fat ass.
154
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:04,001
[door slams]
155
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:10,209
[impressed whistle] Oh wow,
this place is awesome.
156
00:07:10,293 --> 00:07:11,751
Though not really my style.
157
00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:13,209
There's not enough shit.
158
00:07:13,293 --> 00:07:14,751
[door slams]
159
00:07:16,626 --> 00:07:18,834
-[footsteps approaching]
-[shushing]
160
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Get your hands up, you motherfucker!
161
00:07:22,084 --> 00:07:23,709
I'm about to tie you up!
162
00:07:23,793 --> 00:07:26,126
This is that asshole Double-Shot Bill.
163
00:07:27,209 --> 00:07:29,793
Oh no, it's you again.
164
00:07:29,876 --> 00:07:31,709
What brings you here this time?
165
00:07:31,793 --> 00:07:33,168
This does!
166
00:07:33,709 --> 00:07:35,376
Did you really think I was dumb enough
167
00:07:35,459 --> 00:07:38,209
to fall for this kind of cheap-ass,
flea-market bullshit?
168
00:07:38,293 --> 00:07:40,209
Where's the original, asshole?
169
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,209
You're holding it, you dumbass.
170
00:07:42,293 --> 00:07:43,543
-[swishing]
-Eh…
171
00:07:43,626 --> 00:07:46,459
That's right, pal.
This whole thing was just a trick.
172
00:07:46,543 --> 00:07:48,834
Now, say your final goodbyes, shithead.
173
00:07:48,918 --> 00:07:51,001
Don't worry,
it's not going to hurt at all.
174
00:07:51,084 --> 00:07:53,418
You're just going to feel a slight tap
on the forehead,
175
00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:55,876
just like during French sex in the dark.
176
00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:56,918
Ready?
177
00:07:57,459 --> 00:07:59,293
-[groans]
-Oh shit, sorry!
178
00:07:59,376 --> 00:08:01,876
And now, time for you to die!
179
00:08:02,959 --> 00:08:05,168
Damn, it's not as easy
as it looks in the movies.
180
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,709
Change of plans, kid.
181
00:08:06,793 --> 00:08:09,626
I retreat to the Dodge
to get some bullets, and you fire!
182
00:08:09,709 --> 00:08:10,709
[groans]
183
00:08:11,376 --> 00:08:13,334
Uh-oh.
184
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:16,168
[car speeding away]
185
00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:17,709
I think that he must've had help.
186
00:08:17,793 --> 00:08:19,459
-Do we chase him?
-There's no need.
187
00:08:19,543 --> 00:08:21,084
We got the figurine back.
188
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,459
The culprit has been punished,
189
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,543
and the sidekick probably
won't be coming back.
190
00:08:24,626 --> 00:08:26,876
So we're settled with the client
and the job's done.
191
00:08:26,959 --> 00:08:29,626
Yes, it's done,
but don't count on a bonus.
192
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,043
Get out now.
I have something rather important to do.
193
00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:33,168
See ya later, then!
194
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:34,876
Pleasure doing business with ya.
195
00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:38,793
This was a good day.
196
00:08:38,876 --> 00:08:40,834
Not only did the guy overpay,
197
00:08:40,918 --> 00:08:43,918
but we also got rid of that numbnuts,
Double-Snot Bill.
198
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:44,959
Double-Shot.
199
00:08:45,043 --> 00:08:47,376
I dunno,
I didn't really look that closely.
200
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,876
Whoa, whoa. The radiator's broken.
201
00:08:49,959 --> 00:08:51,543
He won't get very far.
202
00:08:51,626 --> 00:08:54,918
And there's only one place
where that tiny prick could have gone.
203
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:58,209
AUTOSERVICE MON-FR 8-18 SAT 8-14
204
00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:02,293
Now, you're gonna replace the radiator
right now, or I will…
205
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,084
-[air hissing]
-Are you kidding me?
206
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:06,709
You really think you're gonna hurt me
with compressed air?
207
00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:08,584
-[air hissing]
-Um… What's happening?
208
00:09:08,668 --> 00:09:10,001
Oh shit, stop it!
209
00:09:10,084 --> 00:09:11,918
Oh, you'll make me blow up! You hear me?
210
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:13,793
Fine. Turn it off. I'll replace it.
211
00:09:14,543 --> 00:09:16,001
-Good.
-[hissing stops]
212
00:09:17,459 --> 00:09:18,626
[burps]
213
00:09:18,709 --> 00:09:20,834
You've really lost your marbles, you know.
214
00:09:20,918 --> 00:09:22,251
[burps]
215
00:09:22,334 --> 00:09:23,876
You goddamn sadist.
216
00:09:23,959 --> 00:09:25,209
[burps]
217
00:09:25,293 --> 00:09:27,376
-Just do your job.
-[dog barking outside]
218
00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:28,376
Hmm?
219
00:09:29,959 --> 00:09:31,043
Oh, dammit.
220
00:09:32,209 --> 00:09:33,084
[growling]
221
00:09:33,168 --> 00:09:35,251
Dang it, Marcinek,
get rid of the damn dog.
222
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:36,251
He's gonna hear us.
223
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:38,543
He probably smelled the alcohol.
Dogs don't like it.
224
00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:41,126
-[dog growling]
-Relax, I'll get him. Come on, Fluffy…
225
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:42,543
-[barks, growls]
-Ow! Damn it!
226
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:45,084
You know as much about dogs
as Charlie Sheen does about condoms.
227
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,876
The dog bites 'cause he's scared.
228
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:48,543
You gotta squat down to be at his level.
229
00:09:48,626 --> 00:09:50,334
Hands behind your back
in a passive position,
230
00:09:50,418 --> 00:09:52,043
so he sees you're not trying to catch him.
231
00:09:52,126 --> 00:09:54,418
And now, in a friendly voice… [whistles]
232
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:56,251
Hi, Spot!
[whistling, making kissing sounds]
233
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:59,168
-[barking]
-[Domino screaming] Help me!
234
00:09:59,251 --> 00:10:00,376
[screaming]
235
00:10:00,459 --> 00:10:01,501
All right!
236
00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:03,918
Back to the doghouse,
you stupid son of a bitch!
237
00:10:04,001 --> 00:10:04,834
[dog yelps]
238
00:10:04,918 --> 00:10:07,293
These lousy village mutts
are only afraid of tough guys
239
00:10:07,376 --> 00:10:08,709
who are swinging a big stick.
240
00:10:10,626 --> 00:10:11,793
Where'd he go?
241
00:10:13,709 --> 00:10:14,876
Follow him!
242
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:20,543
You're going the wrong way, boss!
243
00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:22,001
Relax, I know a shortcut.
244
00:10:22,084 --> 00:10:24,459
Follow him that way, and I'll cut him off!
245
00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:27,209
[panting]
246
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,751
Damn, they're coming after me
like a teenager goes after porn.
247
00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:31,709
[pants, grunts]
248
00:10:32,793 --> 00:10:33,793
[chuckles]
249
00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:35,209
Gotcha, dipshit.
250
00:10:35,293 --> 00:10:37,334
Wait, wait! We can sort this all out.
251
00:10:37,418 --> 00:10:38,876
Look, here, take this wallet.
252
00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:42,709
There might not be any money in it,
but there will be once you put some in.
253
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:45,876
Um, where'd you get this picture?
254
00:10:45,959 --> 00:10:47,709
[panting] He's got him!
255
00:10:47,793 --> 00:10:49,543
Wait, boss! Don't shoot yet!
256
00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:52,543
Don't shoot yet!
257
00:10:52,626 --> 00:10:53,543
I wanna see!
258
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:57,876
Fuck off before I change my mind.
259
00:10:58,626 --> 00:10:59,834
[panting]
260
00:10:59,918 --> 00:11:01,126
Boss… [panting]
261
00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:03,376
What is it? Why did you let that demon go?
262
00:11:03,459 --> 00:11:05,459
Shut up, moron!
You don't know who that was.
263
00:11:05,543 --> 00:11:08,334
-Oh, someone really important?
-No, much worse.
264
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,418
My son.
265
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:10,626
[dramatic music plays]
266
00:11:10,709 --> 00:11:14,459
[prolonged croak of confusion]
267
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:15,376
THE END
268
00:11:15,459 --> 00:11:17,459
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
269
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:20,584
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
270
00:11:20,668 --> 00:11:23,543
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
271
00:11:23,626 --> 00:11:26,793
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
272
00:11:26,876 --> 00:11:31,209
[malevolent laugh]