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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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THE GOLDEN BUDDHA
3
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"And you can all kiss my smooth nuts
and upscale lily-white ass."
4
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"And that goes
vice versa as well." Period.
5
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"Yours truly and sincerely,
6
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Franz Larson the Third once removed."
7
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My favorite fish!
8
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I really hope all of you will end up
in good hands.
9
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Or you might as well
forget about living a long life.
10
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You are correct.
This is a revolver.
11
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And this is a robbery.
12
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Stick 'em up high!
13
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Seriously?
14
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Whoa! Don't pull any tricks, okay?
15
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Because I'm so nervous right now
I might just pull the trigger by accident.
16
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Now let's get down to business.
17
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Tell me where the DVD remote is
and just maybe I'll spare your life.
18
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Oh, wait!
19
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Is that real gold?
20
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I think it is.
21
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You thought
you were gonna outsmart me, huh?
22
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Yeah right. No fucking way, Jose!
23
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Today is my lucky day, partner.
24
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Okay, go back
to whatever you were doing. I'm off.
25
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Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Let's bounce!
26
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Holy smokes!
I even broke the aquarium for laughs.
27
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That was the very last fucking straw.
28
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Teresa, since you're already dead
and you can't hear me,
29
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I have a terrible confession to make.
30
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I didn't just
swim behind the filter to poop.
31
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I was regularly cheating on you
with the seahorse.
32
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And believe me, he's good at what he does.
33
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And I would ride him six ways
from Sunday for just 50 złoty.
34
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Got ya!
35
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Just you wait until I get my fins on you
in fish heaven, you two-timer!
36
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Oh damn, I screwed up.
37
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Oh, what to do? What to do?
38
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I know! I'll go to fish hell!
39
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Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, fuck!
40
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Buddy, this ain't a vet's office.
41
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We're a serious company specializing
in renovation and demon control.
42
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I'm primarily interested in the latter.
43
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As long as it's affordable.
44
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All right, fine, whatever.
Two hundred złoty.
45
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Three hundred if you want an invoice.
46
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Paid upfront,
'cause I've lost my patience.
47
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Or you can get lost.
48
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Three hundred's good. No invoice needed.
49
00:03:08,626 --> 00:03:10,001
Eh…
50
00:03:10,084 --> 00:03:12,209
Well, would you care
for something to drink?
51
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Coffee, cup of tea?
52
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Maybe something a bit stronger?
53
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No, thank you. As I was saying,
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I was brutally robbed, and my living room
was completely destroyed.
55
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The culprit came from the depths of Hell
56
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and drove away
in a pimped-out black Dodge Intrepid.
57
00:03:24,126 --> 00:03:26,959
Good ol' Double-Shot Bill.
So what did he end up taking?
58
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A priceless golden Buddha.
59
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Hmm, it was just the one item,
but a valuable one for sure.
60
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Very good, then.
61
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We'll come up with a full-proof plan.
62
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We're gonna announce on the evening news
that he stole a replica.
63
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and disclose the location of the original.
64
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He'll come back for it,
65
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and when he does,
he'll fall right into our loving arms.
66
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I'm afraid it'll be difficult
67
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to get the media
to cover such a trivial story.
68
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Luckily, I have some pull
at a certain TV network.
69
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TOILET IN THE MAIN ROOM
70
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Okay, all finished.
71
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Excellent, partner.
72
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Now, for something a lot stronger.
73
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A shot of vodka.
74
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Do I have to, boss?
75
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You do. It's thanks to me,
you're growing up so fast.
76
00:04:17,209 --> 00:04:21,251
Besides, if we don't want bad luck,
we need to toast to a successful heist.
77
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Go for it. It's all paid for.
78
00:04:23,126 --> 00:04:25,376
It's all paid for?
You mean you put it all on your tab.
79
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Don't you worry! Once we sell
this fucking statue in a pawn shop,
80
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I'll be able to pay off all my debts
in the pubs in Hell.
81
00:04:31,501 --> 00:04:35,668
And who knows,
I might even pay off my brothel bills.
82
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No!
83
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Drink it straight. No chaser.
84
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Fight the reflux.
85
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And now you are ready.
86
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I am? Really?
87
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-You see that chick there?
-Uh-huh.
88
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Go hit on her.
89
00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:56,293
But she's with some brawny dude already.
90
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That's exactly the point, you see.
91
00:05:01,709 --> 00:05:04,168
You know,
I'm a fitness instructor at a gym.
92
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I could get you a discount if you want.
93
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Got a problem?
94
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:10,543
Excuse me! Get lost, man!
95
00:05:10,626 --> 00:05:12,293
Hi there. So what are we drinking?
96
00:05:12,376 --> 00:05:14,043
Why, you!
97
00:05:33,543 --> 00:05:34,959
Yeah, that's it!
98
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Yee-haw!
99
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TELE-FIB
100
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Bartender, turn it up.
101
00:05:42,459 --> 00:05:44,626
Not only was he dumb, he was also stupid.
102
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:47,126
He stole some gold-painted trash
from the flea-market.
103
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The statue is a fake.
104
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Obviously, I keep my valuables in a safe.
105
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And I actually spared your life.
106
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Come on, kid!
107
00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:56,126
Yeah, boss?
108
00:05:56,209 --> 00:05:57,584
Pick up your teeth!
109
00:05:57,668 --> 00:05:59,751
We're going to the surface!
110
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He could've died from a revolver shot,
111
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but because he made me
into a laughingstock,
112
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I'll kill him with a lasso!
113
00:06:22,626 --> 00:06:25,168
You don't even have a lasso permit, boss!
114
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Wow, you're just so fucking ruthless.
115
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He pissed me off. Let's go.
116
00:06:33,709 --> 00:06:35,543
Hit the doorbell. My hands are busy.
117
00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:37,543
It's a bow, boss. I can't unload it.
118
00:06:37,626 --> 00:06:40,876
Once I've drawn the string back,
then that's it. I gotta take a shot.
119
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Then shoot it somewhere,
120
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'cause my hand is starting to cramp
from all this spinning.
121
00:06:54,084 --> 00:06:56,668
Aah! Goddamn it, wait!
My hand's gone numb.
122
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Mmm, I don't think he's home.
123
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,251
Maybe we should just go back
to Hell now, okay?
124
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:02,293
Better idea.
Maybe I should just kick your fat ass.
125
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:10,209
Oh wow,
this place is awesome.
126
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Though not really my style.
127
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There's not enough shit.
128
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Get your hands up, you motherfucker!
129
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I'm about to tie you up!
130
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This is that asshole Double-Shot Bill.
131
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Oh no, it's you again.
132
00:07:29,876 --> 00:07:31,709
What brings you here this time?
133
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This does!
134
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Did you really think I was dumb enough
135
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to fall for this kind of cheap-ass,
flea-market bullshit?
136
00:07:38,293 --> 00:07:40,209
Where's the original, asshole?
137
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,209
You're holding it, you dumbass.
138
00:07:42,293 --> 00:07:43,543
Eh…
139
00:07:43,626 --> 00:07:46,459
That's right, pal.
This whole thing was just a trick.
140
00:07:46,543 --> 00:07:48,834
Now, say your final goodbyes, shithead.
141
00:07:48,918 --> 00:07:51,001
Don't worry,
it's not going to hurt at all.
142
00:07:51,084 --> 00:07:53,418
You're just going to feel a slight tap
on the forehead,
143
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just like during French sex in the dark.
144
00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:56,918
Ready?
145
00:07:57,459 --> 00:07:59,293
Oh shit, sorry!
146
00:07:59,376 --> 00:08:01,876
And now, time for you to die!
147
00:08:02,959 --> 00:08:05,168
Damn, it's not as easy
as it looks in the movies.
148
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,709
Change of plans, kid.
149
00:08:06,793 --> 00:08:09,626
I retreat to the Dodge
to get some bullets, and you fire!
150
00:08:11,376 --> 00:08:13,334
Uh-oh.
151
00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:17,709
I think that he must've had help.
152
00:08:17,793 --> 00:08:19,459
-Do we chase him?
-There's no need.
153
00:08:19,543 --> 00:08:21,084
We got the figurine back.
154
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,459
The culprit has been punished,
155
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,543
and the sidekick probably
won't be coming back.
156
00:08:24,626 --> 00:08:26,876
So we're settled with the client
and the job's done.
157
00:08:26,959 --> 00:08:29,626
Yes, it's done,
but don't count on a bonus.
158
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,043
Get out now.
I have something rather important to do.
159
00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:33,168
See ya later, then!
160
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:34,876
Pleasure doing business with ya.
161
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This was a good day.
162
00:08:38,876 --> 00:08:40,834
Not only did the guy overpay,
163
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but we also got rid of that numbnuts,
Double-Snot Bill.
164
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Double-Shot.
165
00:08:45,043 --> 00:08:47,376
I dunno,
I didn't really look that closely.
166
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,876
Whoa, whoa. The radiator's broken.
167
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He won't get very far.
168
00:08:51,626 --> 00:08:54,918
And there's only one place
where that tiny prick could have gone.
169
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:58,209
AUTOSERVICE MON-FR 8-18 SAT 8-14
170
00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:02,293
Now, you're gonna replace the radiator
right now, or I will…
171
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,084
Are you kidding me?
172
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:06,709
You really think you're gonna hurt me
with compressed air?
173
00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:08,584
Um… What's happening?
174
00:09:08,668 --> 00:09:10,001
Oh shit, stop it!
175
00:09:10,084 --> 00:09:11,918
Oh, you'll make me blow up! You hear me?
176
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:13,793
Fine. Turn it off. I'll replace it.
177
00:09:14,543 --> 00:09:16,001
Good.
178
00:09:18,709 --> 00:09:20,834
You've really lost your marbles, you know.
179
00:09:22,334 --> 00:09:23,876
You goddamn sadist.
180
00:09:25,293 --> 00:09:27,376
Just do your job.
181
00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:28,376
Hmm?
182
00:09:29,959 --> 00:09:31,043
Oh, dammit.
183
00:09:33,168 --> 00:09:35,251
Dang it, Marcinek,
get rid of the damn dog.
184
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:36,251
He's gonna hear us.
185
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:38,543
He probably smelled the alcohol.
Dogs don't like it.
186
00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:41,126
Relax, I'll get him. Come on, Fluffy…
187
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:42,543
Ow! Damn it!
188
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:45,084
You know as much about dogs
as Charlie Sheen does about condoms.
189
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,876
The dog bites 'cause he's scared.
190
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:48,543
You gotta squat down to be at his level.
191
00:09:48,626 --> 00:09:50,334
Hands behind your back
in a passive position,
192
00:09:50,418 --> 00:09:52,043
so he sees you're not trying to catch him.
193
00:09:52,126 --> 00:09:54,418
And now, in a friendly voice…
194
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:56,251
Hi, Spot!
195
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:59,168
Help me!
196
00:10:00,459 --> 00:10:01,501
All right!
197
00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:03,918
Back to the doghouse,
you stupid son of a bitch!
198
00:10:04,918 --> 00:10:07,293
These lousy village mutts
are only afraid of tough guys
199
00:10:07,376 --> 00:10:08,709
who are swinging a big stick.
200
00:10:10,626 --> 00:10:11,793
Where'd he go?
201
00:10:13,709 --> 00:10:14,876
Follow him!
202
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:20,543
You're going the wrong way, boss!
203
00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:22,001
Relax, I know a shortcut.
204
00:10:22,084 --> 00:10:24,459
Follow him that way, and I'll cut him off!
205
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,751
Damn, they're coming after me
like a teenager goes after porn.
206
00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:35,209
Gotcha, dipshit.
207
00:10:35,293 --> 00:10:37,334
Wait, wait! We can sort this all out.
208
00:10:37,418 --> 00:10:38,876
Look, here, take this wallet.
209
00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:42,709
There might not be any money in it,
but there will be once you put some in.
210
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:45,876
Um, where'd you get this picture?
211
00:10:45,959 --> 00:10:47,709
He's got him!
212
00:10:47,793 --> 00:10:49,543
Wait, boss! Don't shoot yet!
213
00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:52,543
Don't shoot yet!
214
00:10:52,626 --> 00:10:53,543
I wanna see!
215
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:57,876
Fuck off before I change my mind.
216
00:10:59,918 --> 00:11:01,126
Boss…
217
00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:03,376
What is it? Why did you let that demon go?
218
00:11:03,459 --> 00:11:05,459
Shut up, moron!
You don't know who that was.
219
00:11:05,543 --> 00:11:08,334
-Oh, someone really important?
-No, much worse.
220
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,418
My son.
221
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:15,376
THE END