A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
THE GOLDEN BUDDHA
"And you can all kiss my smooth nuts and upscale lily-white ass."
"And that goes vice versa as well." Period.
"Yours truly and sincerely,
Franz Larson the Third once removed."
My favorite fish!
I really hope all of you will end up in good hands.
Or you might as well forget about living a long life.
You are correct. This is a revolver.
And this is a robbery.
Stick 'em up high!
Seriously?
Whoa! Don't pull any tricks, okay?
Because I'm so nervous right now I might just pull the trigger by accident.
Now let's get down to business.
Tell me where the DVD remote is and just maybe I'll spare your life.
Oh, wait!
Is that real gold?
I think it is.
You thought you were gonna outsmart me, huh?
Yeah right. No fucking way, Jose!
Today is my lucky day, partner.
Okay, go back to whatever you were doing. I'm off.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Let's bounce!
Holy smokes! I even broke the aquarium for laughs.
That was the very last fucking straw.
Teresa, since you're already dead and you can't hear me,
I have a terrible confession to make.
I didn't just swim behind the filter to poop.
I was regularly cheating on you with the seahorse.
And believe me, he's good at what he does.
And I would ride him six ways from Sunday for just 50 złoty.
Got ya!
Just you wait until I get my fins on you in fish heaven, you two-timer!
Oh damn, I screwed up.
Oh, what to do? What to do?
I know! I'll go to fish hell!
Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, fuck!
Buddy, this ain't a vet's office.
We're a serious company specializing in renovation and demon control.
I'm primarily interested in the latter.
As long as it's affordable.
All right, fine, whatever. Two hundred złoty.
Three hundred if you want an invoice.
Paid upfront, 'cause I've lost my patience.
Or you can get lost.
Three hundred's good. No invoice needed.
Eh…
Well, would you care for something to drink?
Coffee, cup of tea?
Maybe something a bit stronger?
No, thank you. As I was saying,
I was brutally robbed, and my living room was completely destroyed.
The culprit came from the depths of Hell
and drove away in a pimped-out black Dodge Intrepid.
Good ol' Double-Shot Bill. So what did he end up taking?
A priceless golden Buddha.
Hmm, it was just the one item, but a valuable one for sure.
Very good, then.
We'll come up with a full-proof plan.
We're gonna announce on the evening news that he stole a replica.
and disclose the location of the original.
He'll come back for it,
and when he does, he'll fall right into our loving arms.
I'm afraid it'll be difficult
to get the media to cover such a trivial story.
Luckily, I have some pull at a certain TV network.
TOILET IN THE MAIN ROOM
Okay, all finished.
Excellent, partner.
Now, for something a lot stronger.
A shot of vodka.
Do I have to, boss?
You do. It's thanks to me, you're growing up so fast.
Besides, if we don't want bad luck, we need to toast to a successful heist.
Go for it. It's all paid for.
It's all paid for? You mean you put it all on your tab.
Don't you worry! Once we sell this fucking statue in a pawn shop,
I'll be able to pay off all my debts in the pubs in Hell.
And who knows, I might even pay off my brothel bills.
No!
Drink it straight. No chaser.
Fight the reflux.
And now you are ready.
I am? Really?
-You see that chick there? -Uh-huh.
Go hit on her.
But she's with some brawny dude already.
That's exactly the point, you see.
You know, I'm a fitness instructor at a gym.
I could get you a discount if you want.
Got a problem?
Excuse me! Get lost, man!
Hi there. So what are we drinking?
Why, you!
Yeah, that's it!
Yee-haw!
TELE-FIB
Bartender, turn it up.
Not only was he dumb, he was also stupid.
He stole some gold-painted trash from the flea-market.
The statue is a fake.
Obviously, I keep my valuables in a safe.
And I actually spared your life.
Come on, kid!
Yeah, boss?
Pick up your teeth!
We're going to the surface!
He could've died from a revolver shot,
but because he made me into a laughingstock,
I'll kill him with a lasso!
You don't even have a lasso permit, boss!
Wow, you're just so fucking ruthless.
He pissed me off. Let's go.
Hit the doorbell. My hands are busy.
It's a bow, boss. I can't unload it.
Once I've drawn the string back, then that's it. I gotta take a shot.
Then shoot it somewhere,
'cause my hand is starting to cramp from all this spinning.
Aah! Goddamn it, wait! My hand's gone numb.
Mmm, I don't think he's home.
Maybe we should just go back to Hell now, okay?
Better idea. Maybe I should just kick your fat ass.
Oh wow, this place is awesome.
Though not really my style.
There's not enough shit.
Get your hands up, you motherfucker!
I'm about to tie you up!
This is that asshole Double-Shot Bill.
Oh no, it's you again.
What brings you here this time?
This does!
Did you really think I was dumb enough
to fall for this kind of cheap-ass, flea-market bullshit?
Where's the original, asshole?
You're holding it, you dumbass.
Eh…
That's right, pal. This whole thing was just a trick.
Now, say your final goodbyes, shithead.
Don't worry, it's not going to hurt at all.
You're just going to feel a slight tap on the forehead,
just like during French sex in the dark.
Ready?
Oh shit, sorry!
And now, time for you to die!
Damn, it's not as easy as it looks in the movies.
Change of plans, kid.
I retreat to the Dodge to get some bullets, and you fire!
Uh-oh.
I think that he must've had help.
-Do we chase him? -There's no need.
We got the figurine back.
The culprit has been punished,
and the sidekick probably won't be coming back.
So we're settled with the client and the job's done.
Yes, it's done, but don't count on a bonus.
Get out now. I have something rather important to do.
See ya later, then!
Pleasure doing business with ya.
This was a good day.
Not only did the guy overpay,
but we also got rid of that numbnuts, Double-Snot Bill.
Double-Shot.
I dunno, I didn't really look that closely.
Whoa, whoa. The radiator's broken.
He won't get very far.
And there's only one place where that tiny prick could have gone.
AUTOSERVICE MON-FR 8-18 SAT 8-14
Now, you're gonna replace the radiator right now, or I will…
Are you kidding me?
You really think you're gonna hurt me with compressed air?
Um… What's happening?
Oh shit, stop it!
Oh, you'll make me blow up! You hear me?
Fine. Turn it off. I'll replace it.
Good.
You've really lost your marbles, you know.
You goddamn sadist.
Just do your job.
Hmm?
Oh, dammit.
Dang it, Marcinek, get rid of the damn dog.
He's gonna hear us.
He probably smelled the alcohol. Dogs don't like it.
Relax, I'll get him. Come on, Fluffy…
Ow! Damn it!
You know as much about dogs as Charlie Sheen does about condoms.
The dog bites 'cause he's scared.
You gotta squat down to be at his level.
Hands behind your back in a passive position,
so he sees you're not trying to catch him.
And now, in a friendly voice…
Hi, Spot!
Help me!
All right!
Back to the doghouse, you stupid son of a bitch!
These lousy village mutts are only afraid of tough guys
who are swinging a big stick.
Where'd he go?
Follow him!
You're going the wrong way, boss!
Relax, I know a shortcut.
Follow him that way, and I'll cut him off!
Damn, they're coming after me like a teenager goes after porn.
Gotcha, dipshit.
Wait, wait! We can sort this all out.
Look, here, take this wallet.
There might not be any money in it, but there will be once you put some in.
Um, where'd you get this picture?
He's got him!
Wait, boss! Don't shoot yet!
Don't shoot yet!
I wanna see!
Fuck off before I change my mind.
Boss…
What is it? Why did you let that demon go?
Shut up, moron! You don't know who that was.
-Oh, someone really important? -No, much worse.
My son.
THE END