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SEBUAH SIRI NETFLIX

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CUTI SAKIT

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Tembak mesingan macam dalam lampin!
Tembak bertubi-tubi.

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Membuta tuli?

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Ya, membuta tuli!

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Kita tak mahir menembak,
jadi tembaklah membuta tuli!

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Bos, saya tak faham.

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Saya tiada peluru, mereka tak takut pun.

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Cabut alat penyengap, bodoh!

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Sial, kuat.

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Rafal, hembus hidung awak,
jangan sedut tahi hidung,

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atau saya akan muntah!

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Dia seseorang yang hidup mewah.

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Mateo, tengok.
Kita tinggal dalam pembetung.

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Macam bau nafas pada waktu pagi, lembap,

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panas macam sauna, haiwan perosak.

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Jangan melebih, tiada haiwan perosak.

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Haiwan perosak pun
tak mahu tinggal di sini.

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Kita makan benda dalam kumbahan.

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Tadi awak makan…

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Baik, sudah. Saya tahulah.

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Dengan kertas!
Tapi awak merungut pasal hingus saya?

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Ia sejuk. Patutlah saya selesema.

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Alamak, mereka bunuh Marecki!

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Bangsat! Mereka dah melampau.

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Mereka boleh ditembak dengan pistol,
tapi mereka minta penumbuk.

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Lompat!

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Mateo, awak boleh guna tangga.

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Sesiapa yang ganggu Penjaga Pembetung,
boleh ucap selamat tinggal kepada gigi!

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Saya Najman, dan mulut awak macam tikar!

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Jangan ganggu bos!

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Aduhai, Domino, awak baik?

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Menyerah sajalah, tangan saya dah sakit.

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Awak!

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Kita berjaya.

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Lebih mudah daripada sangkaan saya.

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Mari pergi.

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Panas macam sauna, busuk macam bau nafas.

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Setidaknya tiada perosak.

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AGENSI PENGHALAU HANTU/
SYARIKAT PEMBINAAN BONER

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Ya Tuhan.

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Dia menjangkiti saya.

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Marcin, beri saya segelas vodka.

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Apa kata bos guna tisu dulu?

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Adakah saya wanita?

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Buat dua gelas.

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Betul mahu dua gelas?

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Saya mahu satu botol,
tapi malangnya ada separuh saja.

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Aduhai, saya hampir mati.

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Bantu saya. Selamat pagi.

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Isteri saya dirasuk. Dia membengkak.

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Perut kembung macam makan bebola daging.

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Mata tersembul macam katak.

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Dia memuntahkan bisa dan lendir hitam.

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Menyumpah macam saya balik
pada waktu pagi dalam keadaan mabuk.

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Tapi saya balik 15 minit
sebelum tengah malam.

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Saya kata,
"Saya akan minta bantuan paderi."

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Saya minta, paderi kata dia akan bantu,

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tapi saya perlu beri derma.

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Saya kata, "Itu terlalu banyak."

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Saya tiada duit.

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Beri harga murah.
Kita boleh buat perjanjian.

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Berapa bayarannya?

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Tiada bayaran hari ini
sebab saya cuti sakit.

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Ia kes kecemasan, kasihani saya.

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Lupakannya, kawan, saya perlu makan ubat.

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Saya akan bayar. Berapa, 500?

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Lima ratus?

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Baiklah.

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Marcinek, bawa bodoh dan ikut dia.

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Saya akan arah melalui telefon.

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Sial, syaitan!

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Bertenang, dia jinak.

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Helo, bos?

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Dah sampai, mahu masuk rumah.

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Periksa keadaan dulu.
Kenapa awak telefon sekarang?

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Mahu saya muflis bayar bil telefon?

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Pertama, saya yang telefon awak.

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Kedua, saya ada
panggilan percuma tanpa henti.

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Saya bayar elektrik,
telefon saya sedang dicas. Sudah.

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Silakan.

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Dia di atas.

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Di bilik tidur.

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Jom.

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Pergilah. Saya dah tak tahan.

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- Dia meludah pada saya.
- Saya ada idea.

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- Saya kata saya anak awak.
- Kami tiada anak.

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Syaitan itu tak tahu.

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Jika dia dirasuk, dia akan percaya saya.

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Domino, ini rancangannya.

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…tahi…

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<i>Lewandowski, Lewandowski.</i>
<i>Sekejap, bukan Lewandowski.</i>

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Serahkan barang kemas
atau saya kelar leher anak awak.

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<i>- Hantaran yang baik…</i>
- Sekejap. Berhenti.

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Saya ada anak?

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Apa-apalah. Pertama sekali,
kelarlah dia. Saya mahu tengok.

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Kedua, berambus, syaitan yang lemah,

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tempat ini dah diambil.

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Saya rasuk dia sebab
saya mahu tengok bola dengan tenang,

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bukan berbincang dengan bodoh.

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Semasa perlawanan.

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Liga Juara-juara?
Boleh tengok dengan awak?

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Berani awak panggil saya "awak."
Awak tahu saya siapa?

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Sebenarnya, tak.

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Tengoklah.
Jangan pengsan sebab terlalu teruja.

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Rasa bodoh?

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- Apa berlaku?
- Sial!

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Selamat tinggal.

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<i>…hantaran silang dan bola terkeluar.</i>

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Ya?

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Ia tak bagus, bos.

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Saya tahu, penawar dah habis.

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Tak, bukan itu.

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Wanita yang dirasuk itu,

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Domino kata ia kerja Anael.

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Anael!

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Ya Tuhanku!

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Saya harap awak tak ganggu dia
tengok perlawanan.

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Tak, Domino ganggu, tapi Anael biar saja.

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Sebab syaitan.

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Awak guna akal fikiran awak.
Walaupun ia tak seberapa.

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Tapi baguslah awak tak cuba lawan dia.

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Apa pun, keluar dari sana,
sebab apabila wisel penamat berbunyi,

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dan dia tak puas hati dengan keputusan,

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dia akan belasah awak
sampai awak jadi bufet Sweden.

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Anael hanya boleh dikalahkan
oleh musuh abadi dia.

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Classicozaur.

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- Bir paling murah?
- Ada.

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- Penjerat pengikat kabel?
- Ada.

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- Batang?
- Ada.

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- Flut?
- Ada.

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- Tahi?
- Domino sedang buat.

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- Tengah malam?
- Dua minit lagi.

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Apa? Jadi pasanglah sistem itu,
bodoh, nanti terlambat pula.

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Baik, bos.

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Bagaimana rancangannya?

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Classicozaur, digoda
dengan mantera dan melodi yang indah,

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akan muncul di puncak gunung.

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Dia akan nampak bir dan berlari ke sana.

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Dia akan terpijak tahi,

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jadi dia bersihkan tapak dia guna batang.

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Kemudian awak akan tarik tali itu,

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gelung itu akan menjerat dia, berjaya.

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Rancangan yang sempurna.

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Ia tentu berjaya.

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Lapan saat sebelum tengah malam, menyorok.

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"Dengarlah melodi flut, syaitan.

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Dan datang kepadaku."

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Siapa yang merosakkan flut itu?

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Saya benci melodi itu.

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- Matilah awak.
- Sekejap. Ada bir di sana.

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Awak!

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Awak tahu saya buat implan Esperal.
Awak mahu bunuh saya!

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Tuan! Kami tahu di mana Anael!

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Biar betul.

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Apa? Apa berlaku? Sekarang pukul berapa?

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Dah pukul 2:27, hebat.

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Tiga minit lagi ada ulangan perlawanan.

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Tottenham lawan Lokomotiv.

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Saya dah tahu keputusan,

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tapi saya tak tumpu perhatian

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sebab saya asyik pergi tandas.

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Sekarang, persoalannya,
pergi sekarang atau terlewat?

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Atau tahan sampai separuh masa?

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Tak boleh hentikannya
sebab Shakhtar lawan Inter akan terhenti.

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Sekejap, ia bukan katil saya.

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Boleh kencing atas cadar.

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Janji saya tak tertidur macam biasa.

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Apa yang mengetuk tingkap?

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Siapa itu?

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<i>…rahsia hebat kami!</i>

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Classicozaur!

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Sekejap. Berhenti. Tak, kembali!

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Habis rakaman Shakhtar saya.

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Awak akan menyesal!

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Baling batu ke arah kepala awak,
bangsat bodoh. Mahu apa?

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Dia merasuk wanita tua!

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Sekejap.

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Tentu seronok tunjuk kepada budak lain.

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Jangan berani! Saya tak izin!
Perlindungan Data Peribadi! Saya akan…

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Sekejap.

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Saya tak muat.

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Ayuh. Saya rakam video.

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Awak akan menyesal!

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Dah keluar, sekarang mereka bergaduh.

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Sangat bagus.

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Jika Classicozaur dah tak mabuk,

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kita ada peluang untuk menang.

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Ada satu masalah.
Malangnya, dia tak boleh tahan

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dan dia minum bir
walaupun dia buat implan.

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Sial. Dia muntah?

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Sekejap.

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- Dia baru muntah.
- Bagus. Mungkin ia membantu.

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Sekarang apa?

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Bangsat bedebah?

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- Adakah ia berbaloi?
- Awak yakin?

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Tengok bawah.

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Yahuda pengkhianat.

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- Bila awak buat?
- Baik saya mati daripada beritahu awak.

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Baiklah.

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Hati-hati. Mungkin ia tak terlalu teruk.

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Saya berjaya.

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Ia akan sembuh cepat.

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Sekarang, jom tengok separuh masa kedua!

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- Kemenangan!
- Itu saja? Dah selesai?

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Tereska, itu awak?

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Awak minum.

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- Betul, itu dia.
- Bos?

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Tugas dah selesai.

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Baiklah. Baliklah,
tapi beli ubat dalam perjalanan balik.

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- Di farmasi?
- Di kedai arak, Marcinek.

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Di kedai arak.

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TAMAT

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<i>Penghalau hantu kurang tiga ratus</i>

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<i>Sebenarnya, dua ratus</i>
<i>Jika mahu bil, bayarlah lebih</i>

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<i>Jaga-jaga, Beelzebutt</i>
<i>Awak akan dibelasah</i>

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<i>Jaga-jaga, Buttcifer</i>
<i>Dia menyasarkan awak</i>

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Terjemahan sari kata oleh
Zarifah Kamarulhisham