NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
HORROR AT CASTEL GANDOLFO
Hail Mary, full of grace and amen...
Damn autocorrect!
Not Yemen, but amen.
Good.
Enough with all this fun. Duty calls.
Boss!
It's started!
I've got you right here, pope!
They offer two grand for your head.
Three more left to go.
Get ready to fight!
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen!
How about the holy water thrower, sons of bitches!
It's over, Luigi. We're safe.
Not really, Don Papa...
Oh man, what a smell.
No only it stinks in here like from a piss-hole, but he's just farted.
No wonder. He had like two kilos of fried onions for dinner.
-Get up, boss. You've got a visitor. -This ain't gonna work.
There were a few broken bottles, but the floor was totally dry.
He licked everything off.
In that case, we'll have to apply a more radical waking up method.
Cover up your ears. This won't be a pleasant greeting.
Motherfuck...
...you fuckin'...
...fucking ass. What the fuck do you want?
Get a grip, man!
If you see me here, it means things aren't good.
What would you all do without me? One sec. Gotta get my shit together.
I see how you're getting together. Another beer instead of a shower.
Natan, Natan...
You're here asking me for help, not the other way around.
So my methods work better. Cheers!
OK, so what's up?
No time to chat.
I'll tell you everything on our way. Papacopter's waiting.
Pope's guards handled the low ranking demons
without major problems.
I mean four guards got killed, but they get paid for that.
It turned out that wasn't it, though.
There's still their chief.
And this is where we've got a problem. Shots from church weapons
aren't working on this guy.
Did you say “shots”?
I'd love one now. Easy peasy, alcohol is my specialty.
Turn this fucking thing off, or my head's gonna explode!
Don't swear!
We're too close to heaven!
Sins count double at this altitude!
What's happening? I'm gonna go check.
Everything OK, captain? Oh man...
Shit, now they know we've taken over the aircraft!
Why did you turn on the alarm sound?
As a decoy!
Fuckin' awesome. Turn it off now and tell me about the plan!
Here's the plan: let's grab a beer first,
for obvious reasons we gotta drink it on empty stomach.
Next, we drink some vodka!
I meant the plan for the chopper, man!
Oh, that plan... We improvise!
Damn it, it's locked!
Is it, really? How do you know?
Step back... Bless you.
Don't tell me you're doing collection now.
This ain't a regular collection plate. Bless you.
It's a tactical plate made out of TNT.
We're gonna use it to blow up the door.
Along with this papacopter.
Put that thing away. I've got a better idea.
Oh my...
Boss, no!
Yeah, we did it!
Don't make another step!
Come on, relax now, no stress.
I'm relaxed. As relaxed as shit!
Now, sit down nicely while we fly down to hell!
They said they'd pay for getting rid of Boner,
but maybe they'll throw some extra cash for you too.
Hands up, you piece of dog shit!
This is one shitty tie situation. Everyone's fucked.
Plan B!
-I'm gonna kill you all at once! -You wish.
I'll leave you with no pilot.
Good bye!
Ha ha, suckers!
Sorry, I almost forgot.
Throw me a parachute, will you?
Calm down. I can operate the truck, so I can manage this thing too.
-Go! -No!
Hand me the rudder, moron, or you're gonna get all of us killed!
Phew.
The fact that Natan can handle the rudder comes as no surprise to me...
Ha ha, invincible!
Oh shit, wait--
Is it really so hard to throw a parachute out of the window?
Thanks for nothing, losers!
How long can you keep falling?
I'm gonna die of boredom before I hit the ground.
Krzyś, wait!
Finally, just in time...
How about one last game of Makaó?
Can't do.
Lost both my hands in battle.
Krzyś, not so fast.
Water broke the fall.
Now paddle to the shore.
Oh no, can't paddle without my hands--
He's in the cellar.
Nice toys.
Nice, but useless. The beast is not a believer.
What about regular human weapons? Did you try any?
Guns, hand grenades, panzerfaust?
Of course we did. The grenade only made the beast laugh.
Sergio's brother got hit with a shrapnel. We stopped using conventional weapons.
So the enemy is immortal...
A baby could draw such a conclusion. Natan, who is this guy?
Easy, your holiness. He may look like an idiot, but he's actually a moron.
-Sometimes he delivers, though. -Got it! Not a believer, you say?
So we need to make him believe
and then we can defeat him with one of these babies.
Your idea may not be so bad, but how are you gonna do it?
Call the nearest whorehouse!
I need a girl, the cheapest one you've got.
-Are you sure? -As sure as a diarrhea after cherries.
Fine then, the customer's always right...
We're sending Veneronica over.
Good, write down the address...
No need. We recognize your number.
This isn't an appropriate company for me. Let me know when it's over.
What are you waiting for? Pay up front!
-Thanks... Who's the lucky one? -Birthday boy's waiting downstairs.
Just remember, no rubber!
-Done so soon? -Yes, we even smoked a cig afterwards.
He was one of them fast contestants. Wham bam thank you ma'am.
-Now what? -Now we need to wait.
For the magic of love to kick in...
Fuckin' awesome. Now this is the life.
Got the wine and food too.
They know they won't win, so they even got me some ass...
Speaking of ass... oh man...
I gotta get me a TV set down here so I can watch the news.
Come on, what's wrong?
Oh Jesus... Are you kidding me?
She's given me some shit...
I can't go see a doctor. I'd have to show him my prick. That kind of sucks.
Saint John, patron of the sick, please watch over me!
When in fear God is dear, wiener!
-What? -You're mortal now!
Get ready to fight! I'm warning you, you've got no chance against Bruce Lee!
Shit...
Forgot you may be killed, too?
To kill someone, you've got to be alive in the first place!
Here, why don't you try some from the holy water thrower.
It's burning!
Now get a taste of this!
Oh no! Not the crucifix brass knuckles!
Well, no more jokes. Hände hoch, motherfu--
You're not supposed to swear in a place like this.
Oh shit, it's the devil!
Easy, Don Papa, he's with us!
Glad I made myself immune to holy water, or I'd be in trouble now.
I'd never trust the devil, but...
Hawaiian pizza for everyone! If you wanna add pepperoni, then it's extra charge.
Wait a moment. I can't understand a word.
I must've sobered up already.
Tutti frutti! Time to pay!
Two hundred and that's it. Add the tax, if you need an invoice.
No invoice, please. Like I've got a shitload of money...
THE END