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NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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HORROR AT CASTEL GANDOLFO
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Hail Mary, full of grace and amen...
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Damn autocorrect!
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Not Yemen, but amen.
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Good.
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Enough with all this fun. Duty calls.
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Boss!
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It's started!
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I've got you right here, pope!
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They offer two grand for your head.
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Three more left to go.
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Get ready to fight!
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In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen!
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How about the holy water thrower,
sons of bitches!
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It's over, Luigi. We're safe.
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Not really, Don Papa...
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Oh man, what a smell.
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No only it stinks in here like from
a piss-hole, but he's just farted.
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No wonder. He had like two kilos
of fried onions for dinner.
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-Get up, boss. You've got a visitor.
-This ain't gonna work.
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There were a few broken bottles,
but the floor was totally dry.
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He licked everything off.
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In that case, we'll have to apply
a more radical waking up method.
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Cover up your ears.
This won't be a pleasant greeting.
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Motherfuck...
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...you fuckin'...
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...fucking ass. What the fuck do you want?
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Get a grip, man!
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If you see me here,
it means things aren't good.
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What would you all do without me?
One sec. Gotta get my shit together.
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I see how you're getting together.
Another beer instead of a shower.
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Natan, Natan...
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You're here asking me for help,
not the other way around.
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So my methods work better. Cheers!
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OK, so what's up?
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No time to chat.
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I'll tell you everything on our way.
Papacopter's waiting.
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Pope's guards handled
the low ranking demons
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without major problems.
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I mean four guards got killed,
but they get paid for that.
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It turned out that wasn't it, though.
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There's still their chief.
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And this is where we've got a problem.
Shots from church weapons
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aren't working on this guy.
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Did you say “shots”?
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I'd love one now. Easy peasy,
alcohol is my specialty.
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Turn this fucking thing off,
or my head's gonna explode!
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Don't swear!
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We're too close to heaven!
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Sins count double at this altitude!
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What's happening? I'm gonna go check.
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Everything OK, captain? Oh man...
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Shit, now they know
we've taken over the aircraft!
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Why did you turn on the alarm sound?
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As a decoy!
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Fuckin' awesome. Turn it off now
and tell me about the plan!
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Here's the plan: let's grab a beer first,
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for obvious reasons
we gotta drink it on empty stomach.
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Next, we drink some vodka!
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I meant the plan for the chopper, man!
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Oh, that plan... We improvise!
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Damn it, it's locked!
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Is it, really? How do you know?
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Step back... Bless you.
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Don't tell me you're doing collection now.
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This ain't a regular
collection plate. Bless you.
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It's a tactical plate made out of TNT.
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We're gonna use it to blow up the door.
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Along with this papacopter.
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Put that thing away.
I've got a better idea.
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Oh my...
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Boss, no!
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Yeah, we did it!
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Don't make another step!
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Come on, relax now, no stress.
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I'm relaxed. As relaxed as shit!
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Now, sit down nicely
while we fly down to hell!
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They said they'd pay
for getting rid of Boner,
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but maybe they'll
throw some extra cash for you too.
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Hands up, you piece of dog shit!
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This is one shitty tie situation.
Everyone's fucked.
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Plan B!
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-I'm gonna kill you all at once!
-You wish.
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I'll leave you with no pilot.
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Good bye!
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Ha ha, suckers!
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Sorry, I almost forgot.
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Throw me a parachute, will you?
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Calm down. I can operate the truck,
so I can manage this thing too.
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-Go!
-No!
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Hand me the rudder, moron,
or you're gonna get all of us killed!
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Phew.
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The fact that Natan can handle the rudder
comes as no surprise to me...
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Ha ha, invincible!
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Oh shit, wait--
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Is it really so hard to throw
a parachute out of the window?
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Thanks for nothing, losers!
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How long can you keep falling?
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I'm gonna die of boredom
before I hit the ground.
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Krzyś, wait!
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Finally, just in time...
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How about one last game of Makaó?
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Can't do.
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Lost both my hands in battle.
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Krzyś, not so fast.
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Water broke the fall.
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Now paddle to the shore.
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Oh no, can't paddle without my hands--
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He's in the cellar.
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Nice toys.
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Nice, but useless.
The beast is not a believer.
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What about regular
human weapons? Did you try any?
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Guns, hand grenades, panzerfaust?
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Of course we did. The grenade
only made the beast laugh.
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Sergio's brother got hit with a shrapnel.
We stopped using conventional weapons.
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So the enemy is immortal...
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A baby could draw such a conclusion.
Natan, who is this guy?
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Easy, your holiness. He may look like
an idiot, but he's actually a moron.
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-Sometimes he delivers, though.
-Got it! Not a believer, you say?
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So we need to make him believe
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and then we can defeat him
with one of these babies.
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Your idea may not be so bad,
but how are you gonna do it?
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Call the nearest whorehouse!
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I need a girl,
the cheapest one you've got.
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-Are you sure?
-As sure as a diarrhea after cherries.
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Fine then, the customer's always right...
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We're sending Veneronica over.
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Good, write down the address...
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No need. We recognize your number.
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This isn't an appropriate company
for me. Let me know when it's over.
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What are you waiting for? Pay up front!
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-Thanks... Who's the lucky one?
-Birthday boy's waiting downstairs.
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Just remember, no rubber!
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-Done so soon?
-Yes, we even smoked a cig afterwards.
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He was one of them fast contestants.
Wham bam thank you ma'am.
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-Now what?
-Now we need to wait.
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For the magic of love to kick in...
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Fuckin' awesome. Now this is the life.
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Got the wine and food too.
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They know they won't win,
so they even got me some ass...
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Speaking of ass... oh man...
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I gotta get me a TV set down here
so I can watch the news.
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Come on, what's wrong?
145
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Oh Jesus... Are you kidding me?
146
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She's given me some shit...
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I can't go see a doctor. I'd have to
show him my prick. That kind of sucks.
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Saint John, patron of the sick,
please watch over me!
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When in fear God is dear, wiener!
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-What?
-You're mortal now!
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Get ready to fight! I'm warning you,
you've got no chance against Bruce Lee!
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Shit...
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Forgot you may be killed, too?
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To kill someone,
you've got to be alive in the first place!
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Here, why don't you try some
from the holy water thrower.
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It's burning!
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Now get a taste of this!
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Oh no! Not the crucifix brass knuckles!
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Well, no more jokes.
Hände hoch, motherfu--
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You're not supposed to swear
in a place like this.
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Oh shit, it's the devil!
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Easy, Don Papa, he's with us!
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Glad I made myself immune to holy water,
or I'd be in trouble now.
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I'd never trust the devil, but...
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Hawaiian pizza for everyone! If you wanna
add pepperoni, then it's extra charge.
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Wait a moment. I can't understand a word.
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I must've sobered up already.
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Tutti frutti! Time to pay!
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Two hundred and that's it.
Add the tax, if you need an invoice.
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No invoice, please.
Like I've got a shitload of money...
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THE END