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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
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HORROR AT CASTEL GANDOLFO
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How about a "Hail Mary,"
and a "full of grace,"
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and… "Amen."
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Why are you underlining it? Why?
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It's not "Yemen," it's "Amen."
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There. Okay, fine.
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That's enough fun for today.
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Time to get to work now.
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-[upbeat music playing]
-[grunts]
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[grunting]
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[continues grunting]
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Hey, boss! Hey, boss! Hey, boss!
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It has started!
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[grunts]
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Your ass is mine now, Pope.
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There's a two-grand bounty
on your pretty little head.
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So I'll be only three grand in debt,
you payable prick.
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Stand up and fight!
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[action music playing]
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[grunts] In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
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-[grunts]
-Amen!
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-[demonic roar]
-[thudding]
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[door slams]
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[shouting]
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[roaring]
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[screams, grunts]
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Let's see what you have to say
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to a holy-water-thrower,
you demonic motherfuckers!
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-[grunts]
-[water whooshing]
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[grunting]
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[gurgling]
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[grunts]
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[grunting]
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[groaning]
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It's all over, Luigi.
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We're all safe now. It'll be okay.
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We're not safe yet, Don Papa.
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[creepy moaning]
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[Natan] Holy shit, the smell.
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It already stinks like a distillery,
but it smells like farts now too.
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[Marcin] No wonder. He ate four pounds
of onions straight from the pan.
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Hello! Boss, get up! You've got a visitor!
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[Domino] Not happening.
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Look at all these broken bottles
lying around!
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But the floor is bone-dry.
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He licked it all clean.
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[Marcin] Well, in that case,
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we will have to employ
a more radical wake-up method.
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You might wanna cover your ears.
It will not be a pleasant welcome.
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-[water splashes]
-[Boner] Oh, you motherf--
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[muted]
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…ck you in the…
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[muted]
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…cking.
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-What the hell do you want?
-Boner, you have gotta get a grip, man!
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Given that I'm here, it means things
aren't going as great.
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[sigh] What would you do without me?
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Fine, give me a moment,
I'll get myself together…
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[thuds on floor]
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That's getting yourself together?
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I thought you would take a shower,
not grab another beer.
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Natan, Natan.
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Natan, Natan.
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You are coming to me for help,
not the other way around.
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Which means
that my methods are much better.
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So, cheers.
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[gulping]
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[sighs] Well, let's hea…
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[belches] …it.
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There's no time.
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I'll explain everything on the way.
The Popacopter is waiting.
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The Papal Guard was able to deal
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with the invading group of minor demons
without much of a problem.
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I mean, four of them died, but hey,
that's what those guys are paid for, eh?
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But as it turned out, that wasn't the end
of the bloody conflict.
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Unfortunately, there was still
the demon chieftain.
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And now we've got a serious problem.
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None of the church weapons
are working against them,
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and we are starting to lose our spirit.
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Hmm… Spirit, huh?
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Don't worry, hard spirits
are my personal specialty.
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[alarm blaring]
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Oh, fuck me! Turn the damn thing off!
My head's exploding.
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Hey, watch your mouth.
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You can't curse this close to Heaven.
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At this altitude,
one sin counts as two sins.
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What's going on in there? Let me check.
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Mister Pilot, everything okay--
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Uh… Holy moly!
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[screams]
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Well, crap! Now that they know
we've hijacked the helicopter…
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Krzyś, why did you turn on the alarm?
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As a diversion!
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Well, that's fucking great!
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Turn it off and tell me what the plan is.
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-[turns off alarm]
-Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
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First, we start with chugging a beer each.
But we're drinking on an empty stomach.
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To get shit-faced.
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And then we move forward to vodka.
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Krzyś, I mean the helicopter, you idiot.
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Ah, so the plan is this…
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We're going to improvise!
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-[handle rattling]
-[Boner] Shit, they closed it.
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Oh wow! No way!
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I never would've guessed.
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Okay, move aside.
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Oh, God bless you.
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Don't tell me you're gonna
take up a collection for Jesus.
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It's not an ordinary collection plate.
God bless.
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It's a tactical collection plate.
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Made of TNT.
We'll use it to blow the door down.
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And the Popacopter along with it.
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Put down that plate,
I've got a much better idea.
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[whirring]
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[glass shattering]
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Why, you!
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Boss! No!
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[laughs] It worked!
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[yells]
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[chilling music playing]
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Hold it. Not one step further, assholes.
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Uh… Calm yourself down,
no need to get nervous.
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I'm not nervous. I'm totally calm, buddy.
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I'm as loose as diarrhea.
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And now sit your asses down nicely
because we are going directly to Hell.
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Actually, the bounty is for Boner alone,
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but maybe they'll throw in a few beers
for you guys too.
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[Popacopter whirring]
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[straining]
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[foreboding music playing]
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Put your hands up, you worthless asshole!
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We've got a shitty stalemate,
meaning we are all fucking dead.
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[evil laugh]
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Time for Plan B.
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I'll kill you pathetic human assholes
all in one go.
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Yeah, like hell.
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All I need to do
is just get rid of the pilot.
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-Goodbye. [screams]
-[glass shatters]
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[laughing] Losers!
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Oh, excuse me, I forgot.
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Could one of you throw me a parachute?
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All right, stay calm, everyone.
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If I can drive my van,
I can drive this copter. Let's go!
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[screaming]
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Give that to me, you moron,
or you are going to kill us all!
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Phew!
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[sinister music playing]
150
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I'm not really surprised
Natan knows how to use a flight stick.
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-[laughs]
-Uh-oh!
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[laughs]
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Totally invincible!
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Oh, fuck me. Hold on.
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[grunts]
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Really, guys? Is it such a bother
to throw a parachute out the window?
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Fine! I don't need
your fucking help! Jesus.
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How long can you fall?
This is taking forever.
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I'm gonna get bored to death
long before I hit the ground.
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[groans]
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[demon] Krzyś!
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Krzyś, wait up!
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Hey, you're just in time, pal.
I have an idea.
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While we're here, let's have some fun
and play one last game of Macau.
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No can do, Krzyś.
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My hands got chopped off accidentally.
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[sigh]
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[groans]
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-[crickets chirping]
-[frogs croaking]
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[gasps]
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Krzyś, you impatient bugger,
you died too quickly.
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The water broke our fall
and saved us. [laughs]
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Okay, it's time to doggy-paddle to shore.
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[straining]
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Oh no, it's impossible without hands.
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[gurgling]
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[creepy moaning]
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He's under the ground.
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You guys have some nice toys here.
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Unfortunately,
they are useless in this case.
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It turns out the beast is an atheist.
182
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Mm-hmm. And standard weapons?
Have you tried some of my favorites?
183
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An assault rifle, a grenade, a bazooka--
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Of course we did, you moron.
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But the grenade only made it laugh,
186
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and Brother Luigi got hit
with a cloud of shrapnel.
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That ended
our conventional weapon assault.
188
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,876
So what you're saying is
this son of a bitch is immortal.
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Even a child would have been able
to deduce that.
190
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Natan, why did you bring me here?
191
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Don't worry, Your Holiness.
192
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This guy may look like an idiot,
but he's just a common moron.
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-But sometimes, he gets things done.
-I've got it!
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He's an atheist, huh?
195
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So we need to make
the fucking beast believe in religion.
196
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Then we can use one of your fancy gadgets
to defeat it.
197
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Oh. That's not a bad idea.
But how are you intending to do that?
198
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I'm guessing you could connect me
to the nearest brothel.
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[dramatic music plays]
200
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A bad girl.
201
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The cheapest, nastiest one you've got.
202
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[pimp on speaker] Uh… Are you sure?
203
00:08:54,918 --> 00:08:57,251
Just as sure as getting diarrhea
from cherries.
204
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[pimp sighs] Whatever.
205
00:08:58,626 --> 00:08:59,876
The customer is always right.
206
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It'll be Veneronica.
207
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:03,709
Okay, write down the address. Listen up.
208
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,043
No need, I know it.
209
00:09:05,126 --> 00:09:06,959
I can see the phone number.
210
00:09:07,043 --> 00:09:09,126
[sinister music plays]
211
00:09:11,293 --> 00:09:13,251
Okay, I should not be in such company.
212
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:15,126
Let me know when it's all done.
213
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:18,876
What are you waiting for? Pay in advance.
Give the lady your money.
214
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,209
-Um…
-Oh! Thank you. Who am I screwing?
215
00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:23,251
The birthday boy is just down the stairs.
216
00:09:23,334 --> 00:09:25,959
Just remember what I told you.
You're not allowed to use a condom.
217
00:09:32,043 --> 00:09:34,043
[ticking]
218
00:09:38,293 --> 00:09:39,209
You're done so soon?
219
00:09:39,293 --> 00:09:42,084
We even got to smoke a cigarette
and talk a little afterwards.
220
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It finished right after we started.
221
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Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.
222
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,043
-Bye now.
-So what now?
223
00:09:47,126 --> 00:09:49,126
All right. So now, we just have to wait
224
00:09:49,209 --> 00:09:52,584
until the power of love
starts working all its wonderful magic.
225
00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:57,793
This is quite the life
I've made for myself down here.
226
00:09:57,876 --> 00:09:59,001
I've got everything I need.
227
00:09:59,084 --> 00:10:01,501
I've got wine. I've got food… [chuckles]
228
00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:02,584
They know they can't win,
229
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:04,918
since they're even sending me girls
down here. [chuckles]
230
00:10:05,001 --> 00:10:07,918
Except… Ooh, now that I think
about those girls, oh crap…
231
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[groans]
232
00:10:09,001 --> 00:10:10,918
They really need to send me down a TV
233
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,834
so I can know
what's going on in the world.
234
00:10:12,918 --> 00:10:14,084
What's going on?
235
00:10:14,168 --> 00:10:15,334
Oh, Jesus!
236
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You gotta be kidding me.
She gave me oozing sores down there.
237
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:21,376
And I can't go to the doctor,
then I have to show him my willy.
238
00:10:21,459 --> 00:10:22,293
It's embarrassing.
239
00:10:22,376 --> 00:10:24,626
Oh, Saint John of God,
oh, patron of the sick,
240
00:10:24,709 --> 00:10:25,918
please take me in your care.
241
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,376
Ha! You shithead,
I put the fear of God in you now.
242
00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:30,793
-What?
-You're a mortal now. You got that?
243
00:10:30,876 --> 00:10:31,793
Come on and fight!
244
00:10:31,876 --> 00:10:35,334
But I'm warning you, you got no chance
going up against Bruce Lee!
245
00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:36,876
[grunt] Oh fu…
246
00:10:36,959 --> 00:10:40,418
[roars] Ah, did you forget
that you're a mere mortal too, huh?
247
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:41,376
[straining]
248
00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:44,334
If you want to kill someone,
you gotta be alive for it.
249
00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:47,001
Now have some nice holy water
straight from the blaster,
250
00:10:47,084 --> 00:10:50,209
like a flower garden during a drought
when you got a hacked water meter.
251
00:10:50,293 --> 00:10:51,876
[screaming] It burns!
252
00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:53,459
[screaming]
253
00:10:53,543 --> 00:10:55,043
Try this, you motherfucker!
254
00:10:55,876 --> 00:10:58,793
Oh no! Please, no.
You can't use the crucifix-knuckles!
255
00:10:58,876 --> 00:11:00,459
[groaning]
256
00:11:01,709 --> 00:11:02,543
[grunts]
257
00:11:02,626 --> 00:11:04,751
All right then, fine,
I'm done playing around.
258
00:11:04,834 --> 00:11:06,709
Put your hands up, motherf--
259
00:11:07,293 --> 00:11:09,709
Don't you know you shouldn't curse
in a place like this?
260
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:11,043
Oh fuck, a demon!
261
00:11:11,126 --> 00:11:13,209
Don't worry, Don Papa,
this demon idiot's with me.
262
00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:15,334
Luckily, I've become desensitized
to holy water
263
00:11:15,418 --> 00:11:16,959
or else I'd really have egg on my face.
264
00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:18,793
I'd never usually trust a demon, but…
265
00:11:18,876 --> 00:11:20,376
Hawaiian pizza for all!
266
00:11:20,459 --> 00:11:23,126
And if you'd prefer pepperoni,
you can get it, but they charge extra.
267
00:11:23,209 --> 00:11:25,209
Hold on. I can't understand anything.
268
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:27,668
Fuck, that means
I must have sobered up way too much.
269
00:11:27,751 --> 00:11:30,043
[gulping]
270
00:11:30,126 --> 00:11:30,959
[satisfied sigh]
271
00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:32,043
Tutti frutti!
272
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,293
My good friend!
273
00:11:33,376 --> 00:11:35,043
It's about time to pay the piper.
274
00:11:35,126 --> 00:11:36,668
Two hundred and that'll be it.
275
00:11:36,751 --> 00:11:38,626
It's just a hundred more
if you want an invoice.
276
00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:39,876
No fuckin' invoice!
277
00:11:39,959 --> 00:11:41,543
I'm not made of fucking money.
278
00:11:44,459 --> 00:11:45,293
THE END
279
00:11:45,376 --> 00:11:47,376
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
280
00:11:47,459 --> 00:11:50,501
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
281
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:53,459
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
282
00:11:53,543 --> 00:11:56,876
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
283
00:11:56,959 --> 00:12:01,293
[malevolent laugh]