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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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BOGDAN BONER
LIVED 45 YEARS
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THE CEMETARIZER
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[humming]
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A fresh grave in the cemetery.
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[humming]
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LIVED 99 YEARS
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It's worth robbing.
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[humming]
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TEOFIL KRED - LIVED 59 YEARS
BUT LIVED LIFE TO THE FULLEST
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[sinister music playing]
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[shoveling]
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Well, I hope I will finally find
my shoe size in this grave.
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It's really hard since
the left is 44 and the right is 39.
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But if I can't find any for me,
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I guess we will just sell the shoes
with the suit.
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[clanks]
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[clanking]
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-[creaking]
-Eh?
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Good evening.
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Yeah, just as I thought.
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-It's a cemetelizer.
-[clicks]
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Fuc-- It seems I'm out of ammunition!
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-Why you! [grunts]
-[thuds]
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[high-pitched whine]
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Norbas, why the…
Please excuse my French… F-word…
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did you bring this dead guy?
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We are only really supposed
to take clothes.
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First of all, when are you going
to give me back that 15 zloty, Wacek?
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How much? I passed out
after drinking a quarter of the bottle.
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But we both chipped in for a liter.
33
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-Secondly, this guy actually isn't dead.
-What?
34
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Can you imagine? He was waiting for me
in the coffin and wanted to whack me.
35
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Fortunately, I was the one
who whacked him.
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-I took my shovel to his face.
-Uh-huh.
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All right.
So what are we gonna do with him?
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Let me think on that.
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[softly] So, now?
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Wait. Everything's going
according to the plan.
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What a fucking awesome plan.
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-Who's the genius that came up with it?
-Me.
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But the boss agreed to it.
44
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Got it!
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-[thuds]
-[laughing]
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-So now?
-Wait for it.
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-[thuds]
-[laughs]
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Good one! Wait, hold on. Let me try it.
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Fuck off, go dig up
your own goddamn body.
50
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Come on, it's almost impossible
to find a live one.
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Fuck you.
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-Why you!
-[groans]
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Ooh… Now you have gone too far.
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Argh!
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-Aah! Ouch! Jeez, what are you doing?
-I'll kill you.
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-[cemetarizers grunting]
-Attack!
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Did you hear that? Attack!
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Yaah!
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[groaning]
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See that? I told you the plan would work.
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This is the first and last time I will
ever listen to one of your stupid plans.
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Shit, I look like Domino
with these bumps on my head.
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Yeah, you do.
Although, you are not as handsome as me.
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So what now? Clock out?
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No. Krecia Wolka. Direction: the cemetery.
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Gosh, darn it! Another cemetelizer?
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Why are you surprised?
After all, it's June.
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And of course this year,
the whole fucking city is infested
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with these goddamn demonic buggers.
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All good.
No need to complain about it though,
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we score 200 zloty per cemetery.
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Speak for yourself.
Speak for yourself, god dammit!
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I haven't gotten a paycheck from you
since Easter weekend.
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Oh! I could give you a fun little puzzle
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to take your mind off things
and cheer you up.
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Would you rather lose
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your wonderful grandmother
or contract syphilis from her?
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Or how about both?
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CIPIEGA DANUTA
SHE LIVED MODESTLY, BUT WITHOUT COMFORTS
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[Czesław] What do we have here?
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A woman.
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Wait.
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[gasps] What luck! A gold tooth!
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Sweet! I don't even need
to take any clothes now.
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-Excuse me, ma'am. [grunts]
-[punch lands]
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In the kisser. Ooh, on the first try.
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It will heal in no time. [chuckles]
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It was worth spending 50 zloty
to get boxing tips streaming WWE.
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Nightynight, mademoiselle.
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No harm, no foul. [giggles]
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God dammit.
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[gun clicks]
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Boss, are you serious?
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[vacuum whirring]
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Bożenka! Bożenka, pack your things,
we're fucking leaving.
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Jesus, Mary, I fucking murdered a man.
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[vacuum powers down]
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We are really fucking leaving?
99
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But we only just rented this apartment
ten days ago.
100
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-We paid the first month's rent upfront.
-Don't worry, we'll rent another.
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Or we can sleep under the bridge
like regular cemetelizers do.
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Hurry up, hun,
they could be here any minute!
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No way!
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We did not spend 1500 zloty
on this beautiful place
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just to move out
and live underneath an ugly bridge.
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Don't worry, Bożenka,
we will come out on top.
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[objects clattering]
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Grab the appliances.
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Well, fine then, let him go by himself,
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he'll come back bruised or being chased.
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Who did I marry?
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Mother warned me.
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"Driving a decent Dodge,
doesn't make him a decent guy."
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Now I have it.
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Not only did the repo man take the Dodge,
but I'm still paying it off.
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[sighs] And Rysio Obornik is into me.
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I rejected him for being a womanizer.
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So what? He's got as much money
as a werewolf has ticks.
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Oh, Bożenka, all you do is grumble.
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Look at what I dug up from a grave.
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An expensive gold tooth.
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Oh, look at the gold expert,
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the same guy who gave me an engagement
ring made of brass after a year of dating.
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-So what?
-That is what is called tooth decay.
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[sniffs] Blech!
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[shouting] Oh, this is so painful!
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Lord Jesus! Oh! Why did this happen?
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[sobbing]
129
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Domino, it's only tear gas.
In a few minutes--
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Mommy, no, please, I don't want
to lose my eyesight too soon!
131
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Aah! There is still so much more
pornography to watch in this world.
132
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I am ashamed to admit it, but I have not
taken the time to see 2 Girls 1 Cup yet.
133
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[gasps] Domino, don't joke like that.
134
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I'm not joking! [yelps]
135
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Damn. Boss, we really need
to get him to the hospital fast!
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Shut your mouths, you fucking dickheads,
and let me think about this.
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[man] Stop! Don't move!
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People, catch the thieves!
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They're stealing stuff
from a rented apartment!
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Come on, let's go!
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Oh, jeez!
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Police!
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Or the city guards! Whoever!
144
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It could even be some of the bandits
from the IRS!
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True. It was rented illegally.
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Please help!
Can anybody catch these damn criminals?
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That's what happens when you rent
an apartment to a couple of demons.
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Listen, when the customer pays,
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I do not care who or what it is,
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or the fact that they make rent
by robbing people's graves.
151
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As long as they aren't stealing stuff.
Television, DVD player!
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Did you know,
they even took the toilet seat?
153
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-Where did the demons go?
-How should I know?
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If I did know, I totally would be there
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beating the shit out of those two
right now.
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-Here I am. Good day, sir.
-Oh. Oh, no.
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No more demonic forces in my apartments.
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I won't be tempted by money
for the fourth time.
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Unless you pay
for the first two months in advance.
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Nah, the most I could afford
to pay right now is two minutes tops.
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And that is only if my boss decides
to gives me money in advance.
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-[somber music playing]
-[flies buzzing]
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USED BURIAL CLOTHING
COLLECTION POINT
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[laughing] What are you doing collecting
all this trash, you idiot?
165
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What even is that?
166
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You moron, it's an urn.
It's where humans keep their ashes.
167
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-Serious? Give me a fat line.
-Shit, you are really gonna…
168
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Alrighty then. Ten zloty.
169
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Isn't that a bit steep?
170
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Fine, here you go.
171
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-[snorting]
-[shrieking]
172
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Now what? I don't feel anything.
173
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Eh, because you have to wait
a little bit. Bye now.
174
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Just how the hell did you know
they would be here, Domino?
175
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Hello, I'm a freaking demon.
176
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I know the tendencies of demons
177
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and I also know
where cemetalizers camp out.
178
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-Should we attack them all?
-What for though?
179
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We only eliminate the ones
we are here for.
180
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You know, the two we are getting paid for.
181
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We will wait until
they stray away from the group.
182
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Oh, they're back.
183
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The royal couple who
don't like living underneath the bridge
184
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just like God intended for us to.
185
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We want to rent condos!
Maybe our own apartments!
186
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Okay, come on, Włodek.
187
00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:30,834
Please let us stay with you
for a few nights.
188
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At least give us
one of your cardboard boxes.
189
00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:35,876
Oh, that will cost you
a lot more than you think.
190
00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:38,918
Ugh! I know. A DVD player?
191
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Also a television.
192
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Włodek, you cretin,
what do we need a television for?
193
00:08:42,376 --> 00:08:44,543
Where do you think
we're gonna plug that in? The cesspit?
194
00:08:44,626 --> 00:08:46,209
-You've got a cesspit?
-Hell yeah, we do!
195
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:48,626
Sure, a cesspit.
Yet our bathroom is a hole in the ground.
196
00:08:48,709 --> 00:08:50,418
Okay, Bonifacy is right.
197
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:52,626
The luxuries aren’t free,
you have to pay for them.
198
00:08:52,709 --> 00:08:54,793
A DVD player, a television,
199
00:08:54,876 --> 00:08:56,209
-and the toilet seat.
-Deal!
200
00:08:56,293 --> 00:08:59,293
If you think I am going to live
like a hobo, you are greatly mistaken.
201
00:08:59,376 --> 00:09:02,084
Oh, Bożenka, come on,
we will get through this together somehow.
202
00:09:02,168 --> 00:09:05,084
How many more days does the month of June
have in it? Only two weeks, right?
203
00:09:05,168 --> 00:09:08,043
We will soon fall into a winter sleep,
it doesn't matter where we decide.
204
00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:10,084
It can even be in the cesspit
we just talked about.
205
00:09:10,168 --> 00:09:12,084
-At least the mosquitoes won't bite us.
-[sighs]
206
00:09:12,168 --> 00:09:13,834
I am going to regret this decision.
207
00:09:13,918 --> 00:09:15,876
[brakes screeching]
208
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:17,959
Hey, what's up, Czesław? Long time no see.
209
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,293
Rysio Obornik.
210
00:09:20,376 --> 00:09:22,793
-Hello, Rysiu.
-Oh, Bożenka, I didn't see you there.
211
00:09:22,876 --> 00:09:24,209
My invitation is always open.
212
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:27,168
Czesław, I'm leaving.
213
00:09:29,293 --> 00:09:31,293
-[car door closes]
-[tires screeching]
214
00:09:32,209 --> 00:09:33,459
[impressed whistle]
215
00:09:33,543 --> 00:09:37,084
I'll kill him.
I swear to fucking God, I will kill him.
216
00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:39,209
Also, Bożenka will definitely pay.
217
00:09:39,293 --> 00:09:41,668
I am going to sulk over this
for two fucking weeks.
218
00:09:41,751 --> 00:09:44,168
Do you see what's happening?
Such a misfortune.
219
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,751
Guys, can you please just have mercy.
220
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:47,293
Can you help me whack this son of a bitch?
221
00:09:47,376 --> 00:09:48,376
Damn it, Czesio.
222
00:09:48,459 --> 00:09:50,709
What are friends like us for, right?
223
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:53,626
If you toss in a microwave
then we will totally help you out.
224
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,876
[Rysio moaning]
225
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:01,584
Bożenka-ah-fuck! [moaning louder]
226
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:05,418
-All right, now open the door and…
-[Bożenka] Oh, no, Rysiek.
227
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:08,584
I'm not in the habit of littering.
Throw the condom in the ashtray.
228
00:10:08,668 --> 00:10:12,293
Bożenka, are you nuts?
The condom? I can reuse it.
229
00:10:12,376 --> 00:10:15,626
-Get the fuck out.
-Bastard! Maggot!
230
00:10:15,709 --> 00:10:17,043
-Scumbag!
-[door slams]
231
00:10:17,126 --> 00:10:19,293
[shushes]
232
00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:21,543
[chuckles] Three-zero.
233
00:10:21,626 --> 00:10:23,668
All right. That is enough fun for today.
234
00:10:23,751 --> 00:10:25,501
Time to grab something good to eat.
235
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,584
[engine cranking]
236
00:10:30,459 --> 00:10:31,793
What's wrong here?
237
00:10:31,876 --> 00:10:33,834
I filled my car up today like a baller.
238
00:10:33,918 --> 00:10:36,543
The little fuel light stays off
even when I'm driving uphill.
239
00:10:36,626 --> 00:10:39,459
[Czesław] If you want to empty the bottle,
240
00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:42,793
you need to uncork it
and let it rest first.
241
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:46,126
-Excuse me?
-And if you bang someone else's wife,
242
00:10:46,209 --> 00:10:48,126
you have to face the consequences.
243
00:10:48,209 --> 00:10:51,251
Ha! Czesiu, come on. What "wife banging"?
244
00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:54,584
Well, I didn't even like the sex myself.
I just did it to have fun.
245
00:10:54,668 --> 00:10:57,084
Come on, man, are you really jealous
about me fucking this hag?
246
00:10:57,168 --> 00:10:58,709
I mean, just take a good look at her.
247
00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:01,209
What the hell do you know about true love?
248
00:11:01,293 --> 00:11:02,709
-[shouting]
-[Rysio gurgling]
249
00:11:02,793 --> 00:11:05,709
Gosh, that was so beautiful.
I even got emotional and cried.
250
00:11:05,793 --> 00:11:07,459
I have to say that to Mariola sometime.
251
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,793
Yeah, Rysio Obornik is a player.
252
00:11:09,876 --> 00:11:12,709
Just be careful, so no one murders you
with a pitchfork out of jealousy.
253
00:11:12,793 --> 00:11:14,459
And how are you going to afford a new BMW?
254
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,376
I think I can arrange that for you
in just a second here.
255
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:19,043
[gun fires]
256
00:11:20,126 --> 00:11:21,418
[exploding]
257
00:11:23,043 --> 00:11:24,626
Whoopsie, I guess scratch that.
258
00:11:24,709 --> 00:11:25,543
THE END
259
00:11:25,626 --> 00:11:27,584
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
260
00:11:27,668 --> 00:11:30,834
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
261
00:11:30,918 --> 00:11:33,709
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
262
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:37,168
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
263
00:11:37,251 --> 00:11:41,751
[malevolent laugh]