1
00:00:06,459 --> 00:00:12,376
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
00:00:16,543 --> 00:00:19,834
HORROR AT CASTEL GANDOLFO
3
00:00:20,876 --> 00:00:24,543
How about a "Hail Mary,"
and a "full of grace,"
4
00:00:24,626 --> 00:00:25,959
and… "Amen."
5
00:00:27,001 --> 00:00:29,209
Why are you underlining it? Why?
6
00:00:29,293 --> 00:00:31,501
It's not "Yemen," it's "Amen."
7
00:00:32,043 --> 00:00:33,626
There. Okay, fine.
8
00:00:33,709 --> 00:00:35,626
That's enough fun for today.
9
00:00:35,709 --> 00:00:37,293
Time to get to work now.
10
00:00:51,293 --> 00:00:53,793
Hey, boss! Hey, boss! Hey, boss!
11
00:00:53,876 --> 00:00:54,959
It has started!
12
00:00:56,459 --> 00:00:58,251
Your ass is mine now, Pope.
13
00:00:58,334 --> 00:01:01,126
There's a two-grand bounty
on your pretty little head.
14
00:01:01,209 --> 00:01:03,876
So I'll be only three grand in debt,
you payable prick.
15
00:01:03,959 --> 00:01:05,584
Stand up and fight!
16
00:01:16,459 --> 00:01:20,126
In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
17
00:01:20,209 --> 00:01:21,459
Amen!
18
00:01:41,459 --> 00:01:43,084
Let's see what you have to say
19
00:01:43,168 --> 00:01:45,959
to a holy-water-thrower,
you demonic motherfuckers!
20
00:02:03,626 --> 00:02:05,251
It's all over, Luigi.
21
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,959
We're all safe now. It'll be okay.
22
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:09,043
We're not safe yet, Don Papa.
23
00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:19,209
Holy shit, the smell.
24
00:02:19,293 --> 00:02:22,668
It already stinks like a distillery,
but it smells like farts now too.
25
00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:25,876
No wonder. He ate four pounds
of onions straight from the pan.
26
00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:28,168
Hello! Boss, get up! You've got a visitor!
27
00:02:28,251 --> 00:02:29,168
Not happening.
28
00:02:29,251 --> 00:02:31,543
Look at all these broken bottles
lying around!
29
00:02:31,626 --> 00:02:33,084
But the floor is bone-dry.
30
00:02:33,168 --> 00:02:34,293
He licked it all clean.
31
00:02:34,376 --> 00:02:35,501
Well, in that case,
32
00:02:35,584 --> 00:02:38,501
we will have to employ
a more radical wake-up method.
33
00:02:38,584 --> 00:02:41,793
You might wanna cover your ears.
It will not be a pleasant welcome.
34
00:02:42,293 --> 00:02:44,293
Oh, you motherf--
35
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:47,834
…ck you in the…
36
00:02:49,709 --> 00:02:50,709
…cking.
37
00:02:51,293 --> 00:02:54,084
-What the hell do you want?
-Boner, you have gotta get a grip, man!
38
00:02:54,168 --> 00:02:56,876
Given that I'm here, it means things
aren't going as great.
39
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:58,793
What would you do without me?
40
00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:00,793
Fine, give me a moment,
I'll get myself together…
41
00:03:02,418 --> 00:03:03,709
That's getting yourself together?
42
00:03:03,793 --> 00:03:05,959
I thought you would take a shower,
not grab another beer.
43
00:03:06,043 --> 00:03:07,876
Natan, Natan.
44
00:03:07,959 --> 00:03:09,459
Natan, Natan.
45
00:03:09,543 --> 00:03:12,293
You are coming to me for help,
not the other way around.
46
00:03:12,376 --> 00:03:14,543
Which means
that my methods are much better.
47
00:03:14,626 --> 00:03:15,584
So, cheers.
48
00:03:17,668 --> 00:03:19,168
Well, let's hea…
49
00:03:19,251 --> 00:03:20,959
…it.
50
00:03:21,043 --> 00:03:22,251
There's no time.
51
00:03:22,334 --> 00:03:25,209
I'll explain everything on the way.
The Popacopter is waiting.
52
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:29,793
The Papal Guard was able to deal
53
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,876
with the invading group of minor demons
without much of a problem.
54
00:03:32,959 --> 00:03:35,876
I mean, four of them died, but hey,
that's what those guys are paid for, eh?
55
00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:38,959
But as it turned out, that wasn't the end
of the bloody conflict.
56
00:03:39,043 --> 00:03:41,001
Unfortunately, there was still
the demon chieftain.
57
00:03:41,084 --> 00:03:42,626
And now we've got a serious problem.
58
00:03:42,709 --> 00:03:44,793
None of the church weapons
are working against them,
59
00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:47,043
and we are starting to lose our spirit.
60
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:48,876
Hmm… Spirit, huh?
61
00:03:48,959 --> 00:03:51,626
Don't worry, hard spirits
are my personal specialty.
62
00:03:54,876 --> 00:03:57,626
Oh, fuck me! Turn the damn thing off!
My head's exploding.
63
00:03:57,709 --> 00:03:59,043
Hey, watch your mouth.
64
00:03:59,126 --> 00:04:01,209
You can't curse this close to Heaven.
65
00:04:01,293 --> 00:04:04,376
At this altitude,
one sin counts as two sins.
66
00:04:04,459 --> 00:04:06,543
What's going on in there? Let me check.
67
00:04:07,209 --> 00:04:09,043
Mister Pilot, everything okay--
68
00:04:09,126 --> 00:04:10,209
Uh… Holy moly!
69
00:04:12,876 --> 00:04:15,876
Well, crap! Now that they know
we've hijacked the helicopter…
70
00:04:15,959 --> 00:04:18,543
Krzyś, why did you turn on the alarm?
71
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,293
As a diversion!
72
00:04:20,376 --> 00:04:21,543
Well, that's fucking great!
73
00:04:21,626 --> 00:04:23,959
Turn it off and tell me what the plan is.
74
00:04:24,043 --> 00:04:26,418
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
75
00:04:26,501 --> 00:04:29,626
First, we start with chugging a beer each.
But we're drinking on an empty stomach.
76
00:04:29,709 --> 00:04:30,626
To get shit-faced.
77
00:04:30,709 --> 00:04:32,209
And then we move forward to vodka.
78
00:04:32,293 --> 00:04:34,626
Krzyś, I mean the helicopter, you idiot.
79
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,251
Ah, so the plan is this…
80
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:38,376
We're going to improvise!
81
00:04:38,459 --> 00:04:40,459
Shit, they closed it.
82
00:04:40,543 --> 00:04:41,876
Oh wow! No way!
83
00:04:41,959 --> 00:04:43,168
I never would've guessed.
84
00:04:43,251 --> 00:04:44,834
Okay, move aside.
85
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:45,793
Oh, God bless you.
86
00:04:45,876 --> 00:04:48,459
Don't tell me you're gonna
take up a collection for Jesus.
87
00:04:48,543 --> 00:04:51,084
It's not an ordinary collection plate.
God bless.
88
00:04:51,168 --> 00:04:53,043
It's a tactical collection plate.
89
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,126
Made of TNT.
We'll use it to blow the door down.
90
00:04:56,209 --> 00:04:57,834
And the Popacopter along with it.
91
00:04:57,918 --> 00:05:00,043
Put down that plate,
I've got a much better idea.
92
00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:11,418
Why, you!
93
00:05:14,459 --> 00:05:16,876
Boss! No!
94
00:05:16,959 --> 00:05:19,168
It worked!
95
00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:31,084
Hold it. Not one step further, assholes.
96
00:05:31,209 --> 00:05:33,959
Uh… Calm yourself down,
no need to get nervous.
97
00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,043
I'm not nervous. I'm totally calm, buddy.
98
00:05:36,126 --> 00:05:37,584
I'm as loose as diarrhea.
99
00:05:37,668 --> 00:05:42,168
And now sit your asses down nicely
because we are going directly to Hell.
100
00:05:42,251 --> 00:05:44,251
Actually, the bounty is for Boner alone,
101
00:05:44,334 --> 00:05:47,043
but maybe they'll throw in a few beers
for you guys too.
102
00:05:58,168 --> 00:06:00,668
Put your hands up, you worthless asshole!
103
00:06:01,209 --> 00:06:04,959
We've got a shitty stalemate,
meaning we are all fucking dead.
104
00:06:10,001 --> 00:06:11,376
Time for Plan B.
105
00:06:11,459 --> 00:06:14,334
I'll kill you pathetic human assholes
all in one go.
106
00:06:14,418 --> 00:06:15,293
Yeah, like hell.
107
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:17,876
All I need to do
is just get rid of the pilot.
108
00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:19,418
Goodbye.
109
00:06:19,501 --> 00:06:22,709
Losers!
110
00:06:22,793 --> 00:06:25,293
Oh, excuse me, I forgot.
111
00:06:25,376 --> 00:06:28,334
Could one of you throw me a parachute?
112
00:06:28,959 --> 00:06:30,168
All right, stay calm, everyone.
113
00:06:30,251 --> 00:06:33,376
If I can drive my van,
I can drive this copter. Let's go!
114
00:06:34,709 --> 00:06:38,251
Give that to me, you moron,
or you are going to kill us all!
115
00:06:39,251 --> 00:06:40,209
Phew!
116
00:06:44,543 --> 00:06:47,668
I'm not really surprised
Natan knows how to use a flight stick.
117
00:06:47,751 --> 00:06:49,626
Uh-oh!
118
00:06:51,293 --> 00:06:53,293
Totally invincible!
119
00:06:53,959 --> 00:06:55,126
Oh, fuck me. Hold on.
120
00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:06,168
Really, guys? Is it such a bother
to throw a parachute out the window?
121
00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:08,459
Fine! I don't need
your fucking help! Jesus.
122
00:07:08,543 --> 00:07:10,918
How long can you fall?
This is taking forever.
123
00:07:11,001 --> 00:07:13,668
I'm gonna get bored to death
long before I hit the ground.
124
00:07:14,876 --> 00:07:16,251
Krzyś!
125
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:18,251
Krzyś, wait up!
126
00:07:19,251 --> 00:07:22,209
Hey, you're just in time, pal.
I have an idea.
127
00:07:22,293 --> 00:07:25,459
While we're here, let's have some fun
and play one last game of Macau.
128
00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:26,793
No can do, Krzyś.
129
00:07:26,876 --> 00:07:29,709
My hands got chopped off accidentally.
130
00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:44,751
Krzyś, you impatient bugger,
you died too quickly.
131
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:47,459
The water broke our fall
and saved us.
132
00:07:47,543 --> 00:07:49,709
Okay, it's time to doggy-paddle to shore.
133
00:07:51,418 --> 00:07:53,418
Oh no, it's impossible without hands.
134
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,126
He's under the ground.
135
00:08:02,209 --> 00:08:03,626
You guys have some nice toys here.
136
00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:06,209
Unfortunately,
they are useless in this case.
137
00:08:06,293 --> 00:08:08,209
It turns out the beast is an atheist.
138
00:08:08,293 --> 00:08:11,126
Mm-hmm. And standard weapons?
Have you tried some of my favorites?
139
00:08:11,209 --> 00:08:12,876
An assault rifle, a grenade, a bazooka--
140
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:14,626
Of course we did, you moron.
141
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:16,459
But the grenade only made it laugh,
142
00:08:16,543 --> 00:08:18,709
and Brother Luigi got hit
with a cloud of shrapnel.
143
00:08:18,793 --> 00:08:20,543
That ended
our conventional weapon assault.
144
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,876
So what you're saying is
this son of a bitch is immortal.
145
00:08:23,959 --> 00:08:26,418
Even a child would have been able
to deduce that.
146
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:28,209
Natan, why did you bring me here?
147
00:08:28,293 --> 00:08:29,709
Don't worry, Your Holiness.
148
00:08:29,793 --> 00:08:33,001
This guy may look like an idiot,
but he's just a common moron.
149
00:08:33,084 --> 00:08:35,251
-But sometimes, he gets things done.
-I've got it!
150
00:08:35,334 --> 00:08:36,584
He's an atheist, huh?
151
00:08:36,668 --> 00:08:39,459
So we need to make
the fucking beast believe in religion.
152
00:08:39,543 --> 00:08:42,293
Then we can use one of your fancy gadgets
to defeat it.
153
00:08:42,376 --> 00:08:46,376
Oh. That's not a bad idea.
But how are you intending to do that?
154
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:49,168
I'm guessing you could connect me
to the nearest brothel.
155
00:08:50,459 --> 00:08:51,501
A bad girl.
156
00:08:51,584 --> 00:08:53,293
The cheapest, nastiest one you've got.
157
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:54,834
Uh… Are you sure?
158
00:08:54,918 --> 00:08:57,251
Just as sure as getting diarrhea
from cherries.
159
00:08:57,334 --> 00:08:58,543
Whatever.
160
00:08:58,626 --> 00:08:59,876
The customer is always right.
161
00:08:59,959 --> 00:09:01,834
It'll be Veneronica.
162
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:03,709
Okay, write down the address. Listen up.
163
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,043
No need, I know it.
164
00:09:05,126 --> 00:09:06,959
I can see the phone number.
165
00:09:11,293 --> 00:09:13,251
Okay, I should not be in such company.
166
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:15,126
Let me know when it's all done.
167
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:18,876
What are you waiting for? Pay in advance.
Give the lady your money.
168
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,209
-Um…
-Oh! Thank you. Who am I screwing?
169
00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:23,251
The birthday boy is just down the stairs.
170
00:09:23,334 --> 00:09:25,959
Just remember what I told you.
You're not allowed to use a condom.
171
00:09:38,293 --> 00:09:39,209
You're done so soon?
172
00:09:39,293 --> 00:09:42,084
We even got to smoke a cigarette
and talk a little afterwards.
173
00:09:42,168 --> 00:09:43,709
It finished right after we started.
174
00:09:43,793 --> 00:09:45,126
Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.
175
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,043
-Bye now.
-So what now?
176
00:09:47,126 --> 00:09:49,126
All right. So now, we just have to wait
177
00:09:49,209 --> 00:09:52,584
until the power of love
starts working all its wonderful magic.
178
00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:57,793
This is quite the life
I've made for myself down here.
179
00:09:57,876 --> 00:09:59,001
I've got everything I need.
180
00:09:59,084 --> 00:10:01,501
I've got wine. I've got food…
181
00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:02,584
They know they can't win,
182
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:04,918
since they're even sending me girls
down here.
183
00:10:05,001 --> 00:10:07,918
Except… Ooh, now that I think
about those girls, oh crap…
184
00:10:09,001 --> 00:10:10,918
They really need to send me down a TV
185
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,834
so I can know
what's going on in the world.
186
00:10:12,918 --> 00:10:14,084
What's going on?
187
00:10:14,168 --> 00:10:15,334
Oh, Jesus!
188
00:10:15,418 --> 00:10:18,334
You gotta be kidding me.
She gave me oozing sores down there.
189
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:21,376
And I can't go to the doctor,
then I have to show him my willy.
190
00:10:21,459 --> 00:10:22,293
It's embarrassing.
191
00:10:22,376 --> 00:10:24,626
Oh, Saint John of God,
oh, patron of the sick,
192
00:10:24,709 --> 00:10:25,918
please take me in your care.
193
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,376
Ha! You shithead,
I put the fear of God in you now.
194
00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:30,793
-What?
-You're a mortal now. You got that?
195
00:10:30,876 --> 00:10:31,793
Come on and fight!
196
00:10:31,876 --> 00:10:35,334
But I'm warning you, you got no chance
going up against Bruce Lee!
197
00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:36,876
Oh fu…
198
00:10:36,959 --> 00:10:40,418
Ah, did you forget
that you're a mere mortal too, huh?
199
00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:44,334
If you want to kill someone,
you gotta be alive for it.
200
00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:47,001
Now have some nice holy water
straight from the blaster,
201
00:10:47,084 --> 00:10:50,209
like a flower garden during a drought
when you got a hacked water meter.
202
00:10:50,293 --> 00:10:51,876
It burns!
203
00:10:53,543 --> 00:10:55,043
Try this, you motherfucker!
204
00:10:55,876 --> 00:10:58,793
Oh no! Please, no.
You can't use the crucifix-knuckles!
205
00:11:02,626 --> 00:11:04,751
All right then, fine,
I'm done playing around.
206
00:11:04,834 --> 00:11:06,709
Put your hands up, motherf--
207
00:11:07,293 --> 00:11:09,709
Don't you know you shouldn't curse
in a place like this?
208
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:11,043
Oh fuck, a demon!
209
00:11:11,126 --> 00:11:13,209
Don't worry, Don Papa,
this demon idiot's with me.
210
00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:15,334
Luckily, I've become desensitized
to holy water
211
00:11:15,418 --> 00:11:16,959
or else I'd really have egg on my face.
212
00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:18,793
I'd never usually trust a demon, but…
213
00:11:18,876 --> 00:11:20,376
Hawaiian pizza for all!
214
00:11:20,459 --> 00:11:23,126
And if you'd prefer pepperoni,
you can get it, but they charge extra.
215
00:11:23,209 --> 00:11:25,209
Hold on. I can't understand anything.
216
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:27,668
Fuck, that means
I must have sobered up way too much.
217
00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:32,043
Tutti frutti!
218
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,293
My good friend!
219
00:11:33,376 --> 00:11:35,043
It's about time to pay the piper.
220
00:11:35,126 --> 00:11:36,668
Two hundred and that'll be it.
221
00:11:36,751 --> 00:11:38,626
It's just a hundred more
if you want an invoice.
222
00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:39,876
No fuckin' invoice!
223
00:11:39,959 --> 00:11:41,543
I'm not made of fucking money.
224
00:11:44,459 --> 00:11:45,293
THE END