A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
HORROR AT CASTEL GANDOLFO
How about a "Hail Mary," and a "full of grace,"
and… "Amen."
Why are you underlining it? Why?
It's not "Yemen," it's "Amen."
There. Okay, fine.
That's enough fun for today.
Time to get to work now.
Hey, boss! Hey, boss! Hey, boss!
It has started!
Your ass is mine now, Pope.
There's a two-grand bounty on your pretty little head.
So I'll be only three grand in debt, you payable prick.
Stand up and fight!
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
Amen!
Let's see what you have to say
to a holy-water-thrower, you demonic motherfuckers!
It's all over, Luigi.
We're all safe now. It'll be okay.
We're not safe yet, Don Papa.
Holy shit, the smell.
It already stinks like a distillery, but it smells like farts now too.
No wonder. He ate four pounds of onions straight from the pan.
Hello! Boss, get up! You've got a visitor!
Not happening.
Look at all these broken bottles lying around!
But the floor is bone-dry.
He licked it all clean.
Well, in that case,
we will have to employ a more radical wake-up method.
You might wanna cover your ears. It will not be a pleasant welcome.
Oh, you motherf--
…ck you in the…
…cking.
-What the hell do you want? -Boner, you have gotta get a grip, man!
Given that I'm here, it means things aren't going as great.
What would you do without me?
Fine, give me a moment, I'll get myself together…
That's getting yourself together?
I thought you would take a shower, not grab another beer.
Natan, Natan.
You are coming to me for help, not the other way around.
Which means that my methods are much better.
So, cheers.
Well, let's hea…
…it.
There's no time.
I'll explain everything on the way. The Popacopter is waiting.
The Papal Guard was able to deal
with the invading group of minor demons without much of a problem.
I mean, four of them died, but hey, that's what those guys are paid for, eh?
But as it turned out, that wasn't the end of the bloody conflict.
Unfortunately, there was still the demon chieftain.
And now we've got a serious problem.
None of the church weapons are working against them,
and we are starting to lose our spirit.
Hmm… Spirit, huh?
Don't worry, hard spirits are my personal specialty.
Oh, fuck me! Turn the damn thing off! My head's exploding.
Hey, watch your mouth.
You can't curse this close to Heaven.
At this altitude, one sin counts as two sins.
What's going on in there? Let me check.
Mister Pilot, everything okay--
Uh… Holy moly!
Well, crap! Now that they know we've hijacked the helicopter…
Krzyś, why did you turn on the alarm?
As a diversion!
Well, that's fucking great!
Turn it off and tell me what the plan is.
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
First, we start with chugging a beer each. But we're drinking on an empty stomach.
To get shit-faced.
And then we move forward to vodka.
Krzyś, I mean the helicopter, you idiot.
Ah, so the plan is this…
We're going to improvise!
Shit, they closed it.
Oh wow! No way!
I never would've guessed.
Okay, move aside.
Oh, God bless you.
Don't tell me you're gonna take up a collection for Jesus.
It's not an ordinary collection plate. God bless.
It's a tactical collection plate.
Made of TNT. We'll use it to blow the door down.
And the Popacopter along with it.
Put down that plate, I've got a much better idea.
Why, you!
Boss! No!
It worked!
Hold it. Not one step further, assholes.
Uh… Calm yourself down, no need to get nervous.
I'm not nervous. I'm totally calm, buddy.
I'm as loose as diarrhea.
And now sit your asses down nicely because we are going directly to Hell.
Actually, the bounty is for Boner alone,
but maybe they'll throw in a few beers for you guys too.
Put your hands up, you worthless asshole!
We've got a shitty stalemate, meaning we are all fucking dead.
Time for Plan B.
I'll kill you pathetic human assholes all in one go.
Yeah, like hell.
All I need to do is just get rid of the pilot.
Goodbye.
Losers!
Oh, excuse me, I forgot.
Could one of you throw me a parachute?
All right, stay calm, everyone.
If I can drive my van, I can drive this copter. Let's go!
Give that to me, you moron, or you are going to kill us all!
Phew!
I'm not really surprised Natan knows how to use a flight stick.
Uh-oh!
Totally invincible!
Oh, fuck me. Hold on.
Really, guys? Is it such a bother to throw a parachute out the window?
Fine! I don't need your fucking help! Jesus.
How long can you fall? This is taking forever.
I'm gonna get bored to death long before I hit the ground.
Krzyś!
Krzyś, wait up!
Hey, you're just in time, pal. I have an idea.
While we're here, let's have some fun and play one last game of Macau.
No can do, Krzyś.
My hands got chopped off accidentally.
Krzyś, you impatient bugger, you died too quickly.
The water broke our fall and saved us.
Okay, it's time to doggy-paddle to shore.
Oh no, it's impossible without hands.
He's under the ground.
You guys have some nice toys here.
Unfortunately, they are useless in this case.
It turns out the beast is an atheist.
Mm-hmm. And standard weapons? Have you tried some of my favorites?
An assault rifle, a grenade, a bazooka--
Of course we did, you moron.
But the grenade only made it laugh,
and Brother Luigi got hit with a cloud of shrapnel.
That ended our conventional weapon assault.
So what you're saying is this son of a bitch is immortal.
Even a child would have been able to deduce that.
Natan, why did you bring me here?
Don't worry, Your Holiness.
This guy may look like an idiot, but he's just a common moron.
-But sometimes, he gets things done. -I've got it!
He's an atheist, huh?
So we need to make the fucking beast believe in religion.
Then we can use one of your fancy gadgets to defeat it.
Oh. That's not a bad idea. But how are you intending to do that?
I'm guessing you could connect me to the nearest brothel.
A bad girl.
The cheapest, nastiest one you've got.
Uh… Are you sure?
Just as sure as getting diarrhea from cherries.
Whatever.
The customer is always right.
It'll be Veneronica.
Okay, write down the address. Listen up.
No need, I know it.
I can see the phone number.
Okay, I should not be in such company.
Let me know when it's all done.
What are you waiting for? Pay in advance. Give the lady your money.
-Um… -Oh! Thank you. Who am I screwing?
The birthday boy is just down the stairs.
Just remember what I told you. You're not allowed to use a condom.
You're done so soon?
We even got to smoke a cigarette and talk a little afterwards.
It finished right after we started.
Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.
-Bye now. -So what now?
All right. So now, we just have to wait
until the power of love starts working all its wonderful magic.
This is quite the life I've made for myself down here.
I've got everything I need.
I've got wine. I've got food…
They know they can't win,
since they're even sending me girls down here.
Except… Ooh, now that I think about those girls, oh crap…
They really need to send me down a TV
so I can know what's going on in the world.
What's going on?
Oh, Jesus!
You gotta be kidding me. She gave me oozing sores down there.
And I can't go to the doctor, then I have to show him my willy.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, Saint John of God, oh, patron of the sick,
please take me in your care.
Ha! You shithead, I put the fear of God in you now.
-What? -You're a mortal now. You got that?
Come on and fight!
But I'm warning you, you got no chance going up against Bruce Lee!
Oh fu…
Ah, did you forget that you're a mere mortal too, huh?
If you want to kill someone, you gotta be alive for it.
Now have some nice holy water straight from the blaster,
like a flower garden during a drought when you got a hacked water meter.
It burns!
Try this, you motherfucker!
Oh no! Please, no. You can't use the crucifix-knuckles!
All right then, fine, I'm done playing around.
Put your hands up, motherf--
Don't you know you shouldn't curse in a place like this?
Oh fuck, a demon!
Don't worry, Don Papa, this demon idiot's with me.
Luckily, I've become desensitized to holy water
or else I'd really have egg on my face.
I'd never usually trust a demon, but…
Hawaiian pizza for all!
And if you'd prefer pepperoni, you can get it, but they charge extra.
Hold on. I can't understand anything.
Fuck, that means I must have sobered up way too much.
Tutti frutti!
My good friend!
It's about time to pay the piper.
Two hundred and that'll be it.
It's just a hundred more if you want an invoice.
No fuckin' invoice!
I'm not made of fucking money.
THE END