A NETFLIX SERIES
BOGDAN BONER LIVED 45 YEARS
THE CEMETARIZER
A fresh grave in the cemetery.
LIVED 99 YEARS
It's worth robbing.
TEOFIL KRED - LIVED 59 YEARS BUT LIVED LIFE TO THE FULLEST
Well, I hope I will finally find my shoe size in this grave.
It's really hard since the left is 44 and the right is 39.
But if I can't find any for me,
I guess we will just sell the shoes with the suit.
Eh?
Good evening.
Yeah, just as I thought.
It's a cemetelizer.
Fuc-- It seems I'm out of ammunition!
Why you!
Norbas, why the… Please excuse my French… F-word…
did you bring this dead guy?
We are only really supposed to take clothes.
First of all, when are you going to give me back that 15 zloty, Wacek?
How much? I passed out after drinking a quarter of the bottle.
But we both chipped in for a liter.
-Secondly, this guy actually isn't dead. -What?
Can you imagine? He was waiting for me in the coffin and wanted to whack me.
Fortunately, I was the one who whacked him.
-I took my shovel to his face. -Uh-huh.
All right. So what are we gonna do with him?
Let me think on that.
So, now?
Wait. Everything's going according to the plan.
What a fucking awesome plan.
-Who's the genius that came up with it? -Me.
But the boss agreed to it.
Got it!
-So now? -Wait for it.
Good one! Wait, hold on. Let me try it.
Fuck off, go dig up your own goddamn body.
Come on, it's almost impossible to find a live one.
Fuck you.
Why you!
Ooh… Now you have gone too far.
Argh!
-Aah! Ouch! Jeez, what are you doing? -I'll kill you.
Attack!
Did you hear that? Attack!
Yaah!
See that? I told you the plan would work.
This is the first and last time I will ever listen to one of your stupid plans.
Shit, I look like Domino with these bumps on my head.
Yeah, you do. Although, you are not as handsome as me.
So what now? Clock out?
No. Krecia Wolka. Direction: the cemetery.
Gosh, darn it! Another cemetelizer?
Why are you surprised? After all, it's June.
And of course this year, the whole fucking city is infested
with these goddamn demonic buggers.
All good. No need to complain about it though,
we score 200 zloty per cemetery.
Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself, god dammit!
I haven't gotten a paycheck from you since Easter weekend.
Oh! I could give you a fun little puzzle
to take your mind off things and cheer you up.
Would you rather lose
your wonderful grandmother or contract syphilis from her?
Or how about both?
CIPIEGA DANUTA SHE LIVED MODESTLY, BUT WITHOUT COMFORTS
What do we have here?
A woman.
Wait.
What luck! A gold tooth!
Sweet! I don't even need to take any clothes now.
Excuse me, ma'am.
In the kisser. Ooh, on the first try.
It will heal in no time.
It was worth spending 50 zloty to get boxing tips streaming WWE.
Nightynight, mademoiselle.
No harm, no foul.
God dammit.
Boss, are you serious?
Bożenka! Bożenka, pack your things, we're fucking leaving.
Jesus, Mary, I fucking murdered a man.
We are really fucking leaving?
But we only just rented this apartment ten days ago.
-We paid the first month's rent upfront. -Don't worry, we'll rent another.
Or we can sleep under the bridge like regular cemetelizers do.
Hurry up, hun, they could be here any minute!
No way!
We did not spend 1500 zloty on this beautiful place
just to move out and live underneath an ugly bridge.
Don't worry, Bożenka, we will come out on top.
Grab the appliances.
Well, fine then, let him go by himself,
he'll come back bruised or being chased.
Who did I marry?
Mother warned me.
"Driving a decent Dodge, doesn't make him a decent guy."
Now I have it.
Not only did the repo man take the Dodge, but I'm still paying it off.
And Rysio Obornik is into me.
I rejected him for being a womanizer.
So what? He's got as much money as a werewolf has ticks.
Oh, Bożenka, all you do is grumble.
Look at what I dug up from a grave.
An expensive gold tooth.
Oh, look at the gold expert,
the same guy who gave me an engagement ring made of brass after a year of dating.
-So what? -That is what is called tooth decay.
Blech!
Oh, this is so painful!
Lord Jesus! Oh! Why did this happen?
Domino, it's only tear gas. In a few minutes--
Mommy, no, please, I don't want to lose my eyesight too soon!
Aah! There is still so much more pornography to watch in this world.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I have not taken the time to see 2 Girls 1 Cup yet.
Domino, don't joke like that.
I'm not joking!
Damn. Boss, we really need to get him to the hospital fast!
Shut your mouths, you fucking dickheads, and let me think about this.
Stop! Don't move!
People, catch the thieves!
They're stealing stuff from a rented apartment!
Come on, let's go!
Oh, jeez!
Police!
Or the city guards! Whoever!
It could even be some of the bandits from the IRS!
True. It was rented illegally.
Please help! Can anybody catch these damn criminals?
That's what happens when you rent an apartment to a couple of demons.
Listen, when the customer pays,
I do not care who or what it is,
or the fact that they make rent by robbing people's graves.
As long as they aren't stealing stuff. Television, DVD player!
Did you know, they even took the toilet seat?
-Where did the demons go? -How should I know?
If I did know, I totally would be there
beating the shit out of those two right now.
-Here I am. Good day, sir. -Oh. Oh, no.
No more demonic forces in my apartments.
I won't be tempted by money for the fourth time.
Unless you pay for the first two months in advance.
Nah, the most I could afford to pay right now is two minutes tops.
And that is only if my boss decides to gives me money in advance.
USED BURIAL CLOTHING COLLECTION POINT
What are you doing collecting all this trash, you idiot?
What even is that?
You moron, it's an urn. It's where humans keep their ashes.
-Serious? Give me a fat line. -Shit, you are really gonna…
Alrighty then. Ten zloty.
Isn't that a bit steep?
Fine, here you go.
Now what? I don't feel anything.
Eh, because you have to wait a little bit. Bye now.
Just how the hell did you know they would be here, Domino?
Hello, I'm a freaking demon.
I know the tendencies of demons
and I also know where cemetalizers camp out.
-Should we attack them all? -What for though?
We only eliminate the ones we are here for.
You know, the two we are getting paid for.
We will wait until they stray away from the group.
Oh, they're back.
The royal couple who don't like living underneath the bridge
just like God intended for us to.
We want to rent condos! Maybe our own apartments!
Okay, come on, Włodek.
Please let us stay with you for a few nights.
At least give us one of your cardboard boxes.
Oh, that will cost you a lot more than you think.
Ugh! I know. A DVD player?
Also a television.
Włodek, you cretin, what do we need a television for?
Where do you think we're gonna plug that in? The cesspit?
-You've got a cesspit? -Hell yeah, we do!
Sure, a cesspit. Yet our bathroom is a hole in the ground.
Okay, Bonifacy is right.
The luxuries aren’t free, you have to pay for them.
A DVD player, a television,
-and the toilet seat. -Deal!
If you think I am going to live like a hobo, you are greatly mistaken.
Oh, Bożenka, come on, we will get through this together somehow.
How many more days does the month of June have in it? Only two weeks, right?
We will soon fall into a winter sleep, it doesn't matter where we decide.
It can even be in the cesspit we just talked about.
At least the mosquitoes won't bite us.
I am going to regret this decision.
Hey, what's up, Czesław? Long time no see.
Rysio Obornik.
-Hello, Rysiu. -Oh, Bożenka, I didn't see you there.
My invitation is always open.
Czesław, I'm leaving.
I'll kill him. I swear to fucking God, I will kill him.
Also, Bożenka will definitely pay.
I am going to sulk over this for two fucking weeks.
Do you see what's happening? Such a misfortune.
Guys, can you please just have mercy.
Can you help me whack this son of a bitch?
Damn it, Czesio.
What are friends like us for, right?
If you toss in a microwave then we will totally help you out.
Bożenka-ah-fuck!
-All right, now open the door and… -Oh, no, Rysiek.
I'm not in the habit of littering. Throw the condom in the ashtray.
Bożenka, are you nuts? The condom? I can reuse it.
-Get the fuck out. -Bastard! Maggot!
Scumbag!
Three-zero.
All right. That is enough fun for today.
Time to grab something good to eat.
What's wrong here?
I filled my car up today like a baller.
The little fuel light stays off even when I'm driving uphill.
If you want to empty the bottle,
you need to uncork it and let it rest first.
-Excuse me? -And if you bang someone else's wife,
you have to face the consequences.
Ha! Czesiu, come on. What "wife banging"?
Well, I didn't even like the sex myself. I just did it to have fun.
Come on, man, are you really jealous about me fucking this hag?
I mean, just take a good look at her.
What the hell do you know about true love?
Gosh, that was so beautiful. I even got emotional and cried.
I have to say that to Mariolka sometime.
Yeah, Rysio Obornik is a player.
Just be careful, so no one murders you with a pitchfork out of jealousy.
And how are you going to afford a new BMW?
I think I can arrange that for you in just a second here.
Whoopsie, I guess scratch that.
THE END