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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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BOGDAN BONER
LIVED 45 YEARS
3
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THE CEMETARIZER
4
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A fresh grave in the cemetery.
5
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LIVED 99 YEARS
6
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It's worth robbing.
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TEOFIL KRED - LIVED 59 YEARS
BUT LIVED LIFE TO THE FULLEST
8
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Well, I hope I will finally find
my shoe size in this grave.
9
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It's really hard since
the left is 44 and the right is 39.
10
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But if I can't find any for me,
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I guess we will just sell the shoes
with the suit.
12
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Eh?
13
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Good evening.
14
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Yeah, just as I thought.
15
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It's a cemetelizer.
16
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Fuc-- It seems I'm out of ammunition!
17
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Why you!
18
00:01:26,918 --> 00:01:30,543
Norbas, why the…
Please excuse my French… F-word…
19
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did you bring this dead guy?
20
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We are only really supposed
to take clothes.
21
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First of all, when are you going
to give me back that 15 zloty, Wacek?
22
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How much? I passed out
after drinking a quarter of the bottle.
23
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But we both chipped in for a liter.
24
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-Secondly, this guy actually isn't dead.
-What?
25
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Can you imagine? He was waiting for me
in the coffin and wanted to whack me.
26
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Fortunately, I was the one
who whacked him.
27
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-I took my shovel to his face.
-Uh-huh.
28
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All right.
So what are we gonna do with him?
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Let me think on that.
30
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So, now?
31
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Wait. Everything's going
according to the plan.
32
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What a fucking awesome plan.
33
00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,501
-Who's the genius that came up with it?
-Me.
34
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But the boss agreed to it.
35
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Got it!
36
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-So now?
-Wait for it.
37
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Good one! Wait, hold on. Let me try it.
38
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Fuck off, go dig up
your own goddamn body.
39
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Come on, it's almost impossible
to find a live one.
40
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Fuck you.
41
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Why you!
42
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Ooh… Now you have gone too far.
43
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Argh!
44
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-Aah! Ouch! Jeez, what are you doing?
-I'll kill you.
45
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Attack!
46
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Did you hear that? Attack!
47
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Yaah!
48
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See that? I told you the plan would work.
49
00:02:52,709 --> 00:02:56,459
This is the first and last time I will
ever listen to one of your stupid plans.
50
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Shit, I look like Domino
with these bumps on my head.
51
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Yeah, you do.
Although, you are not as handsome as me.
52
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So what now? Clock out?
53
00:03:03,876 --> 00:03:07,209
No. Krecia Wolka. Direction: the cemetery.
54
00:03:07,293 --> 00:03:09,293
Gosh, darn it! Another cemetelizer?
55
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Why are you surprised?
After all, it's June.
56
00:03:11,209 --> 00:03:13,959
And of course this year,
the whole fucking city is infested
57
00:03:14,043 --> 00:03:15,793
with these goddamn demonic buggers.
58
00:03:15,876 --> 00:03:18,126
All good.
No need to complain about it though,
59
00:03:18,209 --> 00:03:20,209
we score 200 zloty per cemetery.
60
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Speak for yourself.
Speak for yourself, god dammit!
61
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I haven't gotten a paycheck from you
since Easter weekend.
62
00:03:24,918 --> 00:03:26,501
Oh! I could give you a fun little puzzle
63
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to take your mind off things
and cheer you up.
64
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Would you rather lose
65
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your wonderful grandmother
or contract syphilis from her?
66
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:35,334
Or how about both?
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CIPIEGA DANUTA
SHE LIVED MODESTLY, BUT WITHOUT COMFORTS
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What do we have here?
69
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A woman.
70
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Wait.
71
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What luck! A gold tooth!
72
00:03:51,793 --> 00:03:54,459
Sweet! I don't even need
to take any clothes now.
73
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Excuse me, ma'am.
74
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In the kisser. Ooh, on the first try.
75
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It will heal in no time.
76
00:04:01,126 --> 00:04:05,751
It was worth spending 50 zloty
to get boxing tips streaming WWE.
77
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Nightynight, mademoiselle.
78
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No harm, no foul.
79
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God dammit.
80
00:04:12,668 --> 00:04:14,043
Boss, are you serious?
81
00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:22,959
Bożenka! Bożenka, pack your things,
we're fucking leaving.
82
00:04:23,043 --> 00:04:25,876
Jesus, Mary, I fucking murdered a man.
83
00:04:27,709 --> 00:04:29,001
We are really fucking leaving?
84
00:04:29,084 --> 00:04:31,209
But we only just rented this apartment
ten days ago.
85
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-We paid the first month's rent upfront.
-Don't worry, we'll rent another.
86
00:04:34,584 --> 00:04:37,543
Or we can sleep under the bridge
like regular cemetelizers do.
87
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Hurry up, hun,
they could be here any minute!
88
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No way!
89
00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:43,709
We did not spend 1500 zloty
on this beautiful place
90
00:04:43,793 --> 00:04:45,793
just to move out
and live underneath an ugly bridge.
91
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Don't worry, Bożenka,
we will come out on top.
92
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Grab the appliances.
93
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Well, fine then, let him go by himself,
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he'll come back bruised or being chased.
95
00:04:59,793 --> 00:05:01,834
Who did I marry?
96
00:05:01,918 --> 00:05:02,918
Mother warned me.
97
00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:06,376
"Driving a decent Dodge,
doesn't make him a decent guy."
98
00:05:06,459 --> 00:05:07,626
Now I have it.
99
00:05:08,168 --> 00:05:12,251
Not only did the repo man take the Dodge,
but I'm still paying it off.
100
00:05:12,876 --> 00:05:15,834
And Rysio Obornik is into me.
101
00:05:15,918 --> 00:05:18,084
I rejected him for being a womanizer.
102
00:05:18,168 --> 00:05:21,001
So what? He's got as much money
as a werewolf has ticks.
103
00:05:21,084 --> 00:05:22,959
Oh, Bożenka, all you do is grumble.
104
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Look at what I dug up from a grave.
105
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An expensive gold tooth.
106
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Oh, look at the gold expert,
107
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the same guy who gave me an engagement
ring made of brass after a year of dating.
108
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-So what?
-That is what is called tooth decay.
109
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Blech!
110
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Oh, this is so painful!
111
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Lord Jesus! Oh! Why did this happen?
112
00:05:41,626 --> 00:05:44,459
Domino, it's only tear gas.
In a few minutes--
113
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Mommy, no, please, I don't want
to lose my eyesight too soon!
114
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Aah! There is still so much more
pornography to watch in this world.
115
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I am ashamed to admit it, but I have not
taken the time to see 2 Girls 1 Cup yet.
116
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Domino, don't joke like that.
117
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I'm not joking!
118
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Damn. Boss, we really need
to get him to the hospital fast!
119
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:04,251
Shut your mouths, you fucking dickheads,
and let me think about this.
120
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Stop! Don't move!
121
00:06:06,918 --> 00:06:10,376
People, catch the thieves!
122
00:06:10,459 --> 00:06:15,126
They're stealing stuff
from a rented apartment!
123
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:16,626
Come on, let's go!
124
00:06:19,043 --> 00:06:19,959
Oh, jeez!
125
00:06:20,043 --> 00:06:21,501
Police!
126
00:06:21,584 --> 00:06:23,209
Or the city guards! Whoever!
127
00:06:23,293 --> 00:06:25,959
It could even be some of the bandits
from the IRS!
128
00:06:26,043 --> 00:06:27,376
True. It was rented illegally.
129
00:06:27,459 --> 00:06:30,959
Please help!
Can anybody catch these damn criminals?
130
00:06:31,043 --> 00:06:33,834
That's what happens when you rent
an apartment to a couple of demons.
131
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Listen, when the customer pays,
132
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I do not care who or what it is,
133
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or the fact that they make rent
by robbing people's graves.
134
00:06:39,459 --> 00:06:42,793
As long as they aren't stealing stuff.
Television, DVD player!
135
00:06:42,876 --> 00:06:44,709
Did you know,
they even took the toilet seat?
136
00:06:44,793 --> 00:06:46,543
-Where did the demons go?
-How should I know?
137
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If I did know, I totally would be there
138
00:06:48,209 --> 00:06:50,126
beating the shit out of those two
right now.
139
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:52,709
-Here I am. Good day, sir.
-Oh. Oh, no.
140
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No more demonic forces in my apartments.
141
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,959
I won't be tempted by money
for the fourth time.
142
00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:59,043
Unless you pay
for the first two months in advance.
143
00:06:59,126 --> 00:07:02,126
Nah, the most I could afford
to pay right now is two minutes tops.
144
00:07:02,209 --> 00:07:04,876
And that is only if my boss decides
to gives me money in advance.
145
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:29,459
USED BURIAL CLOTHING
COLLECTION POINT
146
00:07:29,543 --> 00:07:33,293
What are you doing collecting
all this trash, you idiot?
147
00:07:33,376 --> 00:07:34,251
What even is that?
148
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:37,209
You moron, it's an urn.
It's where humans keep their ashes.
149
00:07:37,293 --> 00:07:40,584
-Serious? Give me a fat line.
-Shit, you are really gonna…
150
00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:42,376
Alrighty then. Ten zloty.
151
00:07:42,459 --> 00:07:43,668
Isn't that a bit steep?
152
00:07:44,209 --> 00:07:45,043
Fine, here you go.
153
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,876
Now what? I don't feel anything.
154
00:07:51,959 --> 00:07:54,584
Eh, because you have to wait
a little bit. Bye now.
155
00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:03,459
Just how the hell did you know
they would be here, Domino?
156
00:08:03,543 --> 00:08:04,959
Hello, I'm a freaking demon.
157
00:08:05,043 --> 00:08:06,334
I know the tendencies of demons
158
00:08:06,418 --> 00:08:08,459
and I also know
where cemetalizers camp out.
159
00:08:08,543 --> 00:08:10,543
-Should we attack them all?
-What for though?
160
00:08:10,626 --> 00:08:12,543
We only eliminate the ones
we are here for.
161
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,459
You know, the two we are getting paid for.
162
00:08:14,543 --> 00:08:17,626
We will wait until
they stray away from the group.
163
00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:20,668
Oh, they're back.
164
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:23,376
The royal couple who
don't like living underneath the bridge
165
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:25,084
just like God intended for us to.
166
00:08:25,168 --> 00:08:27,793
We want to rent condos!
Maybe our own apartments!
167
00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:28,876
Okay, come on, Włodek.
168
00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:30,834
Please let us stay with you
for a few nights.
169
00:08:30,918 --> 00:08:32,959
At least give us
one of your cardboard boxes.
170
00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:35,876
Oh, that will cost you
a lot more than you think.
171
00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:38,918
Ugh! I know. A DVD player?
172
00:08:39,001 --> 00:08:40,126
Also a television.
173
00:08:40,209 --> 00:08:42,293
Włodek, you cretin,
what do we need a television for?
174
00:08:42,376 --> 00:08:44,543
Where do you think
we're gonna plug that in? The cesspit?
175
00:08:44,626 --> 00:08:46,209
-You've got a cesspit?
-Hell yeah, we do!
176
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:48,626
Sure, a cesspit.
Yet our bathroom is a hole in the ground.
177
00:08:48,709 --> 00:08:50,418
Okay, Bonifacy is right.
178
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:52,626
The luxuries aren’t free,
you have to pay for them.
179
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A DVD player, a television,
180
00:08:54,876 --> 00:08:56,209
-and the toilet seat.
-Deal!
181
00:08:56,293 --> 00:08:59,293
If you think I am going to live
like a hobo, you are greatly mistaken.
182
00:08:59,376 --> 00:09:02,084
Oh, Bożenka, come on,
we will get through this together somehow.
183
00:09:02,168 --> 00:09:05,084
How many more days does the month of June
have in it? Only two weeks, right?
184
00:09:05,168 --> 00:09:08,043
We will soon fall into a winter sleep,
it doesn't matter where we decide.
185
00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:10,084
It can even be in the cesspit
we just talked about.
186
00:09:10,168 --> 00:09:12,084
At least the mosquitoes won't bite us.
187
00:09:12,168 --> 00:09:13,834
I am going to regret this decision.
188
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:17,959
Hey, what's up, Czesław? Long time no see.
189
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,293
Rysio Obornik.
190
00:09:20,376 --> 00:09:22,793
-Hello, Rysiu.
-Oh, Bożenka, I didn't see you there.
191
00:09:22,876 --> 00:09:24,209
My invitation is always open.
192
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:27,168
Czesław, I'm leaving.
193
00:09:33,543 --> 00:09:37,084
I'll kill him.
I swear to fucking God, I will kill him.
194
00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:39,209
Also, Bożenka will definitely pay.
195
00:09:39,293 --> 00:09:41,668
I am going to sulk over this
for two fucking weeks.
196
00:09:41,751 --> 00:09:44,168
Do you see what's happening?
Such a misfortune.
197
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,751
Guys, can you please just have mercy.
198
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:47,293
Can you help me whack this son of a bitch?
199
00:09:47,376 --> 00:09:48,376
Damn it, Czesio.
200
00:09:48,459 --> 00:09:50,709
What are friends like us for, right?
201
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:53,626
If you toss in a microwave
then we will totally help you out.
202
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:01,584
Bożenka-ah-fuck!
203
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:05,418
-All right, now open the door and…
-Oh, no, Rysiek.
204
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:08,584
I'm not in the habit of littering.
Throw the condom in the ashtray.
205
00:10:08,668 --> 00:10:12,293
Bożenka, are you nuts?
The condom? I can reuse it.
206
00:10:12,376 --> 00:10:15,626
-Get the fuck out.
-Bastard! Maggot!
207
00:10:15,709 --> 00:10:17,043
Scumbag!
208
00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:21,543
Three-zero.
209
00:10:21,626 --> 00:10:23,668
All right. That is enough fun for today.
210
00:10:23,751 --> 00:10:25,501
Time to grab something good to eat.
211
00:10:30,459 --> 00:10:31,793
What's wrong here?
212
00:10:31,876 --> 00:10:33,834
I filled my car up today like a baller.
213
00:10:33,918 --> 00:10:36,543
The little fuel light stays off
even when I'm driving uphill.
214
00:10:36,626 --> 00:10:39,459
If you want to empty the bottle,
215
00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:42,793
you need to uncork it
and let it rest first.
216
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:46,126
-Excuse me?
-And if you bang someone else's wife,
217
00:10:46,209 --> 00:10:48,126
you have to face the consequences.
218
00:10:48,209 --> 00:10:51,251
Ha! Czesiu, come on. What "wife banging"?
219
00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:54,584
Well, I didn't even like the sex myself.
I just did it to have fun.
220
00:10:54,668 --> 00:10:57,084
Come on, man, are you really jealous
about me fucking this hag?
221
00:10:57,168 --> 00:10:58,709
I mean, just take a good look at her.
222
00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:01,209
What the hell do you know about true love?
223
00:11:02,793 --> 00:11:05,709
Gosh, that was so beautiful.
I even got emotional and cried.
224
00:11:05,793 --> 00:11:07,459
I have to say that to Mariolka sometime.
225
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,793
Yeah, Rysio Obornik is a player.
226
00:11:09,876 --> 00:11:12,709
Just be careful, so no one murders you
with a pitchfork out of jealousy.
227
00:11:12,793 --> 00:11:14,459
And how are you going to afford a new BMW?
228
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,376
I think I can arrange that for you
in just a second here.
229
00:11:23,043 --> 00:11:24,626
Whoopsie, I guess scratch that.
230
00:11:24,709 --> 00:11:25,543
THE END