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A NETFLIX SERIES
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Potatoes!
3
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Potatoes!
4
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Spuds!
5
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Mom, hurry up.
6
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I'm putting it on.
Move away from the door.
7
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Don't tease him.
8
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Tub…
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give me the tubers!
10
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Mom.
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I'm bringing it.
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Open.
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FUCKING TUBER
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Tadziu. Pyry with dill.
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Pyry is between Ursynow and Piaseczno.
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Potatoes with dill.
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Dill is gross.
18
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I'm not a dillophile.
19
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But I tried so hard. What do I do with it?
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Throw it the fuck away.
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-Here you go.
-Give me that!
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Not enough!
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I gave you everything. There's no more.
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You ate it!
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I just tasted it to see
if it was salty enough.
26
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Tadek, no!
27
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I want potato dumplings.
28
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When will they be ready?
29
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-Rock!
-Scissors!
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Fu… Okay.
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One, two, three!
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-Rock!
-Scissors!
33
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Damn, what's wrong?
34
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One more time.
35
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-One, two, three, scissors!
-Rock!
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Damn it.
37
00:01:57,709 --> 00:01:59,501
-Have you had enough?
-Oh no.
38
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Domino is never a giver-upper.
39
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He's just poor.
40
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-One, two, three, scissors!
-Rock!
41
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,834
You're cheating!
42
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:10,293
You're the one playing like a loser.
You do scissors all the time.
43
00:02:10,376 --> 00:02:13,793
If you play the same numbers
over and over again in lotto,
44
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you'll eventually win.
The same is true here.
45
00:02:16,376 --> 00:02:18,543
-One, two, three, scissors!
-Rock!
46
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What's all this slacking off?
What am I paying you for?
47
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For nothing.
48
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That reminds me, about the salary…
49
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What, are we playing paper scissors?
So, one, two…
50
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Can't believe it, a client!
Domino, quick, to the toilet.
51
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They might get scared of your horned face.
52
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Shit, I knew that someone would knock
as soon as the boss stunk up the toilet.
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Hello? May I?
54
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You should. Renovation or possession?
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I guess it's the latter.
56
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They won't let you earn.
57
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But anyway, sit down
and tell me what's going on.
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Okay, the cops said it was an accident
'cause they don't believe in superstition.
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Man, for 200 zloty,
I can believe anything.
60
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Unless you want an invoice.
Then it'll cost more to believe.
61
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No need for an invoice.
62
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So from the beginning.
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My father wasn't always like that.
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Just a few years ago,
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he looked and thought
like most men his age.
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Wait here for Dad.
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BABY HATCH
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Just an ordinary dad.
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My father always liked potatoes.
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That's…
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In any form.
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Mashed, wedges, slices, puree,
fries, potato dumplings, hash browns.
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Keep it short 'cause I'm getting hungry.
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Okay, to the point.
75
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At first, no one paid any attention to it.
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-Thank you.
-"Thank you"?
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You take one bite and say "thank you"?
You've been eating crappy takeout again.
78
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I'm just full.
79
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Besides, kebab is not crap.
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Finish the chop.
You can leave the potatoes.
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Teresa! Don't blaspheme.
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We're not gonna throw the potatoes away.
Pass it to me if he doesn't want them.
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Mom, I'm also full.
84
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Over time, my father's potato obsession
began to fester.
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Every meal had to include them.
86
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For breakfast, lunch,
dinner, and even for dessert,
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he demanded to be served potatoes.
88
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Even worse, my father began to change.
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He gained a lot of weight,
and his skin darkened.
90
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At the end of August, he got fired
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because he threw himself
at the manager in the cafeteria,
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who allegedly had
more potato dumplings on his plate.
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Since then,
he started to spend all his free time
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in front of the TV,
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consuming increasing amounts of tubers.
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We were afraid of him.
97
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Oh, how we were afraid.
98
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The old man said to make supplies,
99
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and he gobbled.
100
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Once, I came home to find
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my brother lying next to his armchair.
102
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He was dead.
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And the bastard
was sitting quietly in his armchair
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watching a quiz show.
105
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Mr. Piotr, what movie,
according to the IMDb ranking,
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was the worst movie in the world?
107
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-Katyn.
-Close enough.
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The police said
my brother choked on a potato
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and deemed it an unfortunate accident.
110
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A few months passed.
111
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Over time, I accepted it. But yesterday,
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he did it again.
113
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This time, he killed my mother.
114
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I told the cop
that the old man's possessed.
115
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He laughed
that I believe in superstition and wrote…
116
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"Unfortunate accident."
117
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The exorcist is my last hope.
118
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I'd go to a priest,
but I don't shit money.
119
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You did the right thing
coming to us with this.
120
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But be warned that if your old man
has turned into what I think he did,
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woe to all of us.
122
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We're here.
123
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It's this tenement.
124
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Marcinek, take toilet paper with you
in case you get too scared.
125
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And you, lead us to your home.
126
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Is that really all that you have to offer?
127
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What did you expect for 200?
128
00:05:58,584 --> 00:06:01,043
Anyway, if it turns out I'm right,
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even the toilet paper won't help.
130
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Follow me. You go ahead.
131
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-Boss, doesn't this seem a little strange?
-What?
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If you put crap on somebody's hand,
nothing's gonna happen.
133
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But if you take a crap on somebody's hand,
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it's a big deal.
135
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This door.
136
00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:22,793
Why are you standing
like swine on a platform?
137
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-It's not Gdynia. Get inside.
-Oh no.
138
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I'm not going in there.
139
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:29,793
This thing is no longer my father.
140
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This thing is no longer a human.
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A molly.
142
00:06:37,668 --> 00:06:38,834
So, what does he want?
143
00:06:38,918 --> 00:06:41,543
Everything looks normal at first glance.
144
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Like after
a traditional Polish house party.
145
00:06:44,251 --> 00:06:47,459
He should've seen my crib
after my 18th birthday.
146
00:06:47,543 --> 00:06:49,459
I feel like it will be an easy case.
147
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,334
Quiet, Marcinek.
Just because the apartment's neat
148
00:06:52,418 --> 00:06:55,126
doesn't mean it's okay. Hello, Mr. Host!
149
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Guests are here!
150
00:06:56,876 --> 00:06:58,334
Let's check the room.
151
00:07:01,293 --> 00:07:02,334
He's sleeping.
152
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:05,543
-Or he died.
-Or he's lurking like a toad.
153
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,543
Be careful. Don't get too close.
154
00:07:07,626 --> 00:07:09,876
Have you ever seen anything like this?
155
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:13,334
I have. The other day
after the kebab's special offer.
156
00:07:13,418 --> 00:07:15,376
But mine didn't have sprouts.
157
00:07:17,126 --> 00:07:18,959
Cool, he's not even breathing.
158
00:07:20,543 --> 00:07:23,793
Fries! Toss them, or I'll kill you.
159
00:07:24,418 --> 00:07:26,043
I can't do that on cue.
160
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You!
161
00:07:32,876 --> 00:07:35,334
Marcinek, retreat!
162
00:07:37,876 --> 00:07:40,293
It's worse than I thought.
163
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:43,418
-How's that?
-Not bad, but I thought it'd be great.
164
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:45,709
Unfortunately, I don't have any good news.
165
00:07:45,793 --> 00:07:48,793
Your father is a vampuree.
166
00:07:48,876 --> 00:07:49,959
How so, a vampire?
167
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Not a vampire but a vampuree.
168
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Much more dangerous than a normal vampire
because instead of blood,
169
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he craves potato starch.
170
00:07:59,126 --> 00:08:01,959
And he's willing to kill for it.
171
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Worst of all, he's nearly immortal.
172
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A gunshot will only make him laugh.
173
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And then, he'll murder just for fun.
174
00:08:09,709 --> 00:08:13,084
Therefore, God forbid,
we can't call the police
175
00:08:13,168 --> 00:08:14,626
because he would kill them.
176
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:18,918
To beat him, we have to keep
fattening him up with potatoes.
177
00:08:19,001 --> 00:08:21,876
-Boss, are you crazy?
-Trust me, Marcinek.
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That's the only way.
179
00:08:28,168 --> 00:08:29,459
-How was it?
-He's eating.
180
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,126
He's eating like a pig.
181
00:08:31,209 --> 00:08:35,293
That's not surprising. After all,
we ply him with steamed potatoes for pigs.
182
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Dozens of kilos.
183
00:08:37,418 --> 00:08:39,584
I hope it'll take him a while.
184
00:08:39,668 --> 00:08:41,209
Where's that moron Domino?
185
00:08:41,293 --> 00:08:43,959
If he fails, we're gonna waste
two pots of potatoes.
186
00:08:44,043 --> 00:08:44,959
Who's Domino?
187
00:08:45,709 --> 00:08:46,543
Hello?
188
00:08:47,209 --> 00:08:49,251
What? Wait. Slowly.
189
00:08:50,251 --> 00:08:51,084
How come?
190
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Peace out.
191
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:57,126
If you want to say he's not coming,
you better shut the fuck up.
192
00:08:58,251 --> 00:08:59,084
So what?
193
00:08:59,168 --> 00:09:01,293
-I was supposed to shut up.
-Shi…
194
00:09:01,376 --> 00:09:04,001
He's not coming here,
but he's outside the building.
195
00:09:04,084 --> 00:09:05,626
He was arrested by the police.
196
00:09:05,709 --> 00:09:08,043
The moron's out in town
without a disguise again.
197
00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:09,959
No wonder they arrested him.
198
00:09:11,543 --> 00:09:12,418
Weird ID.
199
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:15,459
Have you seen it, Mariusz?
It must be a new one. Or old one.
200
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:16,376
Damn, a devil.
201
00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:19,043
Gentlemen, hold on.
I'll explain everything.
202
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:22,001
Don't disturb him. He's writing
and can't make a mistake
203
00:09:22,084 --> 00:09:23,543
because we only have one pad.
204
00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:25,293
-But I just…
-Wait!
205
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,709
It smells good.
206
00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:31,918
That's the kind of dinner I understand,
207
00:09:32,001 --> 00:09:35,084
not those awful pizzas
the youngsters eat nowadays.
208
00:09:39,959 --> 00:09:41,126
It's coming from here.
209
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:44,126
I'll knock and say
that I need to borrow some sugar.
210
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,543
Maybe they'll invite me.
211
00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:49,459
It has begun.
212
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:51,959
Let go of Domino, or we'll all die!
213
00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:55,126
I made a mistake
because he's yapping in my ear.
214
00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:57,251
See what you've done? ID!
215
00:09:57,334 --> 00:09:59,376
Wait. We don't have more pads, right?
216
00:09:59,459 --> 00:10:01,126
Potatoes!
217
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:04,543
That one! Sir, keep it down.
It's after ten o'clock.
218
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:08,668
Oh shit. Hands up,
pants down, money on the table!
219
00:10:08,751 --> 00:10:10,626
Crap, I always say the nursery rhyme.
220
00:10:10,709 --> 00:10:11,876
Just hands up!
221
00:10:14,293 --> 00:10:16,959
Potatoes!
222
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:18,626
He's heading downtown.
223
00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,293
Fuck this!
224
00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:23,001
You! Stop, or I'll use the gun!
225
00:10:23,084 --> 00:10:25,543
And since I shoot poorly, we'll all die!
226
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,376
There may even be soup.
227
00:10:27,459 --> 00:10:29,459
Potato soup.
228
00:10:29,543 --> 00:10:32,959
How about a swarm of potato beetles?
229
00:10:36,543 --> 00:10:38,626
Dad, no!
230
00:10:38,709 --> 00:10:40,709
No, wait. That's good.
231
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:43,543
He's not my old man anymore.
232
00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:49,793
It worked.
233
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:52,043
And who's on top now?
234
00:10:52,126 --> 00:10:54,251
Definitely not you. We got you!
235
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:56,126
-That…
-Gentlemen, let him go.
236
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:59,543
Yes, he's a devil,
but he's harmless. He's tamed.
237
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:02,793
What devil? We're city-bred
and don't believe in superstition.
238
00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:04,584
He rode his bike through a red light.
239
00:11:04,668 --> 00:11:07,251
Pay us the 200 zloty fine, and we're gone.
240
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,793
We can issue a ticket, but it'll be
more expensive. It's not worth it.
241
00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:13,459
THE END
242
00:11:13,543 --> 00:11:15,459
Exorcist for less than 300
243
00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:18,793
Actually, it's 200
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
244
00:11:18,876 --> 00:11:21,501
Watch it, Belzedup
You're gonna get your ass kicked
245
00:11:21,584 --> 00:11:25,043
Watch it, Dupcyper
He's aiming at you
246
00:11:30,751 --> 00:11:33,293
Subtitle translation by:
Agnieszka Czarnecka