A NETFLIX SERIES
Potatoes!
Spuds!
Mom, hurry up.
I'm putting it on. Move away from the door.
Don't tease him.
Tub…
give me the tubers!
Mom.
I'm bringing it.
Open.
FUCKING TUBER
Tadziu. Pyry with dill.
Pyry is between Ursynow and Piaseczno.
Potatoes with dill.
Dill is gross.
I'm not a dillophile.
But I tried so hard. What do I do with it?
Throw it the fuck away.
-Here you go. -Give me that!
Not enough!
I gave you everything. There's no more.
You ate it!
I just tasted it to see if it was salty enough.
Tadek, no!
I want potato dumplings.
When will they be ready?
-Rock! -Scissors!
Fu… Okay.
One, two, three!
-Rock! -Scissors!
Damn, what's wrong?
One more time.
-One, two, three, scissors! -Rock!
Damn it.
-Have you had enough? -Oh no.
Domino is never a giver-upper.
He's just poor.
-One, two, three, scissors! -Rock!
You're cheating!
You're the one playing like a loser. You do scissors all the time.
If you play the same numbers over and over again in lotto,
you'll eventually win. The same is true here.
-One, two, three, scissors! -Rock!
What's all this slacking off? What am I paying you for?
For nothing.
That reminds me, about the salary…
What, are we playing paper scissors? So, one, two…
Can't believe it, a client! Domino, quick, to the toilet.
They might get scared of your horned face.
Shit, I knew that someone would knock as soon as the boss stunk up the toilet.
Hello? May I?
You should. Renovation or possession?
I guess it's the latter.
They won't let you earn.
But anyway, sit down and tell me what's going on.
Okay, the cops said it was an accident 'cause they don't believe in superstition.
Man, for 200 zloty, I can believe anything.
Unless you want an invoice. Then it'll cost more to believe.
No need for an invoice.
So from the beginning.
My father wasn't always like that.
Just a few years ago,
he looked and thought like most men his age.
Wait here for Dad.
BABY HATCH
Just an ordinary dad.
My father always liked potatoes.
That's…
In any form.
Mashed, wedges, slices, puree, fries, potato dumplings, hash browns.
Keep it short 'cause I'm getting hungry.
Okay, to the point.
At first, no one paid any attention to it.
-Thank you. -"Thank you"?
You take one bite and say "thank you"? You've been eating crappy takeout again.
I'm just full.
Besides, kebab is not crap.
Finish the chop. You can leave the potatoes.
Teresa! Don't blaspheme.
We're not gonna throw the potatoes away. Pass it to me if he doesn't want them.
Mom, I'm also full.
Over time, my father's potato obsession began to fester.
Every meal had to include them.
For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even for dessert,
he demanded to be served potatoes.
Even worse, my father began to change.
He gained a lot of weight, and his skin darkened.
At the end of August, he got fired
because he threw himself at the manager in the cafeteria,
who allegedly had more potato dumplings on his plate.
Since then, he started to spend all his free time
in front of the TV,
consuming increasing amounts of tubers.
We were afraid of him.
Oh, how we were afraid.
The old man said to make supplies,
and he gobbled.
Once, I came home to find
my brother lying next to his armchair.
He was dead.
And the bastard was sitting quietly in his armchair
watching a quiz show.
Mr. Piotr, what movie, according to the IMDb ranking,
was the worst movie in the world?
-Katyn. -Close enough.
The police said my brother choked on a potato
and deemed it an unfortunate accident.
A few months passed.
Over time, I accepted it. But yesterday,
he did it again.
This time, he killed my mother.
I told the cop that the old man's possessed.
He laughed that I believe in superstition and wrote…
"Unfortunate accident."
The exorcist is my last hope.
I'd go to a priest, but I don't shit money.
You did the right thing coming to us with this.
But be warned that if your old man has turned into what I think he did,
woe to all of us.
We're here.
It's this tenement.
Marcinek, take toilet paper with you in case you get too scared.
And you, lead us to your home.
Is that really all that you have to offer?
What did you expect for 200?
Anyway, if it turns out I'm right,
even the toilet paper won't help.
Follow me. You go ahead.
-Boss, doesn't this seem a little strange? -What?
If you put crap on somebody's hand, nothing's gonna happen.
But if you take a crap on somebody's hand,
it's a big deal.
This door.
Why are you standing like swine on a platform?
-It's not Gdynia. Get inside. -Oh no.
I'm not going in there.
This thing is no longer my father.
This thing is no longer a human.
A molly.
So, what does he want?
Everything looks normal at first glance.
Like after a traditional Polish house party.
He should've seen my crib after my 18th birthday.
I feel like it will be an easy case.
Quiet, Marcinek. Just because the apartment's neat
doesn't mean it's okay. Hello, Mr. Host!
Guests are here!
Let's check the room.
He's sleeping.
-Or he died. -Or he's lurking like a toad.
Be careful. Don't get too close.
Have you ever seen anything like this?
I have. The other day after the kebab's special offer.
But mine didn't have sprouts.
Cool, he's not even breathing.
Fries! Toss them, or I'll kill you.
I can't do that on cue.
You!
Marcinek, retreat!
It's worse than I thought.
-How's that? -Not bad, but I thought it'd be great.
Unfortunately, I don't have any good news.
Your father is a vampuree.
How so, a vampire?
Not a vampire but a vampuree.
Much more dangerous than a normal vampire because instead of blood,
he craves potato starch.
And he's willing to kill for it.
Worst of all, he's nearly immortal.
A gunshot will only make him laugh.
And then, he'll murder just for fun.
Therefore, God forbid, we can't call the police
because he would kill them.
To beat him, we have to keep fattening him up with potatoes.
-Boss, are you crazy? -Trust me, Marcinek.
That's the only way.
-How was it? -He's eating.
He's eating like a pig.
That's not surprising. After all, we ply him with steamed potatoes for pigs.
Dozens of kilos.
I hope it'll take him a while.
Where's that moron Domino?
If he fails, we're gonna waste two pots of potatoes.
Who's Domino?
Hello?
What? Wait. Slowly.
How come?
Peace out.
If you want to say he's not coming, you better shut the fuck up.
So what?
-I was supposed to shut up. -Shi…
He's not coming here, but he's outside the building.
He was arrested by the police.
The moron's out in town without a disguise again.
No wonder they arrested him.
Weird ID.
Have you seen it, Mariusz? It must be a new one. Or old one.
Damn, a devil.
Gentlemen, hold on. I'll explain everything.
Don't disturb him. He's writing and can't make a mistake
because we only have one pad.
-But I just… -Wait!
It smells good.
That's the kind of dinner I understand,
not those awful pizzas the youngsters eat nowadays.
It's coming from here.
I'll knock and say that I need to borrow some sugar.
Maybe they'll invite me.
It has begun.
Let go of Domino, or we'll all die!
I made a mistake because he's yapping in my ear.
See what you've done? ID!
Wait. We don't have more pads, right?
Potatoes!
That one! Sir, keep it down. It's after ten o'clock.
Oh shit. Hands up, pants down, money on the table!
Crap, I always say the nursery rhyme.
Just hands up!
Potatoes!
He's heading downtown.
Fuck this!
You! Stop, or I'll use the gun!
And since I shoot poorly, we'll all die!
There may even be soup.
Potato soup.
How about a swarm of potato beetles?
Dad, no!
No, wait. That's good.
He's not my old man anymore.
It worked.
And who's on top now?
Definitely not you. We got you!
-That… -Gentlemen, let him go.
Yes, he's a devil, but he's harmless. He's tamed.
What devil? We're city-bred and don't believe in superstition.
He rode his bike through a red light.
Pay us the 200 zloty fine, and we're gone.
We can issue a ticket, but it'll be more expensive. It's not worth it.
THE END
Exorcist for less than 300
Actually, it's 200 If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
Watch it, Belzedup You're gonna get your ass kicked
Watch it, Dupcyper He's aiming at you
Subtitle translation by: Agnieszka Czarnecka