A NETFLIX SERIES
[theme music playing]
[man roaring] Taters!
[roaring]
Potatoes!
[roaring]
[object shattering]
Mom, could you hurry up, please?
[Mom] I'm getting it. Move away from the door.
Don't tease him.
[man] Yum, yum, yum, yum… Gimme yams!
-[roaring] -[objects clattering]
Mother.
I'm getting it.
[exhales]
-Open. -[door opens]
[door slams]
FUCKING TUBER
Tadziu. Spuds with dill leaves on them.
[Tadziu] Spuds, you say?
Spuds are for fucking duds, Teresa.
Uh, I mean potatoes with dill.
[Tadziu] Dill is gross. I'm not some fucking dillhole.
[sighs] But I tried so hard. What should I do with the dill?
[Tadziu] Throw it the fuck away.
-Here you go. -[Tadziu] Give me that!
[munching]
Not enough!
I gave you the entire pot. I haven't had time to cook more.
You ate them!
I just had to taste once piece to check how salty it was.
[roaring]
-No, Tadziu! -[crashing]
[door creaking]
[chilling music plays]
[Tadziu growling]
I want potato dumplings now.
When will they be ready?
-[Marcin] Rock! -[Domino] Scissors!
Fu-- Okay. Ready. Three, two--
-[Marcin] Rock! -[Domino] Scissors! Yeh!
Damn, what's wrong?
Okay, one more time.
-Three, two, one, scissors! -I choose rock!
God fucking dammit.
-Had enough, Domino? -No way!
Domino is the kind of demon that never ever gives up.
The only thing I lose is cash money anyway.
-Three, two, one, scissors! -I choose rock!
You keep on cheating!
You are the one playing like a fucking loser.
You've picked scissors every game.
Yeah, well, if you keep playing the same lottery numbers over and over again,
you will eventually win.
It's the same idea.
-Again. Three, two, one, scissors! -I choose rock!
What is all this slacking off you two are doing?
-What am I paying you for? -Me? You're not paying me for anything.
I need to talk to you about my salary…
Hey, how about some rock-paper-scissors?
-Okay, ready? Three, and two-- -[knocking on door]
No way! A customer! Domino, quickly, get in the bathroom.
I don't want your horns to scare them away.
Shit, I knew that someone would knock
as soon as the boss finished stinking up the toilet.
[inhales, holds breath]
Hello? May I come in?
If you must. Is this for a renovation or help with a possession?
Um, well, I guess it's the latter.
[sighs] It's never the nice big bucks.
Whatever. Sit down, young man, and tell me, what you got going on?
Okay. First, the cops said that it was an accident
because they don't believe in superstitions or fantasies.
Come on, for two hundred zloty, I can believe anything you say.
Uh, unless you want an invoice. Then belief costs a little bit more.
Nah. There is no need for an invoice.
I'll just start from the beginning.
My father was normal and not always like this.
So, yeah, it was just a few years ago when he looked like a real dad
and acted just like all the other typical dads out there.
-So, you two wait here for Daddy, okay? -[buzzing]
BABY HATCH
[dramatic music plays]
-Just a regular old father. -[Boner snoring]
My father always liked potatoes so damn much!
Um, yeah, huh…
Potatoes in any form, basically.
Mashed potatoes, wedges, maybe some slices,
puree, french fries, potato dumplings, and even potato pancakes.
Keep it short, junior, you're starting to make me hungry.
Um, okay, to the point.
At first, no one paid any attention to his potato hunger.
-Thanks, Mom. -"Thank you"?
You take one bite and say "thank you"? You are done eating?
You've been eating all that crappy takeout food, haven't you?
Oh, no, Mom, I'm just full already.
And besides, street kebabs are not crappy food.
Finish your cutlet. You can leave the potatoes behind.
Teresa! Don't give me that bullshit.
We are not gonna throw away any of these wonderful potatoes.
I will eat them if this loser won't.
Mother, I am also stuffed.
Over time, my father's love for potatoes began to grow into an immense obsession.
Every meal we ate had to include those disgusting things.
For every breakfast, for every lunch, and every dinner,
and even for every dessert,
he demanded to be served insane amounts of potatoes all the freaking time.
But even worse, my fathers body began to slowly transform.
He gained lots of weight.
-[munching] -And his skin began to darken.
At the end of August, he was fired from his job
because during their lunch break in the cafeteria,
he threw himself at the manager,
who allegedly had more potato dumplings on his plate.
Since then, he's been spending all of his free time,
probably about thirty hours a day,
sitting in his same ugly chair, wasting away in front of his television,
consuming increasing amounts of potatoes.
We were so afraid.
Oh, so afraid of him.
The old man said to keep the taters coming.
And he devoured them.
One day I come home and find my poor brother lying on the floor,
next to his armchair.
He was dead.
And the bastard was just sitting quietly in his chair eating spuds,
and he was watching some trivia quiz game show.
[host on TV] Mr. Piotr, what movie according to the IMDb rankings
was the worst movie of all time?
-[Mr. Piotr] Um, Waterworld. -[host] You were close.
The police said that my brothers death was caused from choking on a potato
and deemed it an unfortunate accident.
A few months passed.
Over time, I unfortunately accepted
the police’s version of the events as truth.
But then, he did it again a few days ago.
This time, he killed my mother.
I told the cop that my dad's been possessed,
and he laughed at me for believing in superstitious garbage
and decided to report it as…
Reported as an unfortunate accident.
I thought my last hope must be to hire an exorcist.
I would try a priest, but as you can imagine, I don't shit money.
You did the right thing coming to us with this kind of problem.
But you had better be warned,
that if your old man has transformed into the creature I think he has,
then dire misery will fall upon all of us.
[foreboding music playing]
[brakes screeching]
We're here. It's this apartment building.
Marcinek, take the toilet paper with you this time in case you get too scared.
And you, junior, lead the way to your room.
[van door closes]
Seriously? A roll of toilet paper is all you have to offer me?
What the hell did you expect for two hundred zloty?
Anyway, if it turns out that I am right about this,
not even the toilet paper will be able to help us.
Follow me. You go ahead.
[Marcin] Boss, doesn't this seem a little strange to you?
[Boner] What?
[Marcin] If someone says they're shitting bricks,
is it actual bricks of shit or is it too much bran?
[Marcin] But what if you could shit real life actual bricks?
You could build a brick shithouse!
[Boner sighs]
This door here.
Why are you standing looking like a deer in the headlights?
Go ahead, open it now. Get inside already.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not gonna open that door.
That horrible thing in there is no longer my loving father.
That thing…
[whispering] …no longer has any human behaviors.
You fucking pussy.
[door creaking]
What's his problem?
Everything looks completely normal to me at first glance.
Like after a traditional Polish house party.
He should've seen my place after my eighteenth birthday. [chuckles]
I feel like this is gonna be an easy case, boss.
Quiet, Marcinek.
Just because the apartment is nice and tidy doesn't mean it's all okay.
Hello! Are you there, Mr. Host?
You have some company!
Let's check the room.
[softly] He's sleeping.
Or he's just dead.
Or he's lurking like a toad waiting for you.
Be careful, Marcinek. Don't get too close.
Crap! Have you ever seen anything as weird as this?
I have, in the toilet.
The day after a special offer on street kebabs.
But mine did not have sprouts growing from it.
Oh stop, don't worry, he's not even breathing.
[Tadziu sniffing]
French fries! Puke them out or I'll kill you.
[whimpering] That's not really something I can do on cue.
[Tadziu growling]
-[grunts] -[vomiting]
Why, you little! [grunts]
[growls]
-Marcinek, retreat! -[door slams close]
Holy shit, your situation up there is not good at all, kid.
-How's that? -I was hoping it would go a bit better
but it was shit-show.
Unfortunately, the prognosis is much worse.
Your father has transformed into a hideous vampuree.
What, do you mean a vampire?
Not a vampire, but a goddamn vampuree.
Much more dangerous than your average vampire.
Instead of blood though,
what he craves is a constant flow of potato starch.
And he's willing to kill anything for his potatoes.
Worst of all, he's practically immortal now.
A gunshot to the head will only make him chuckle and grumpy, and then…
he will murder you just for the fun of it.
Not only that, God forbid, we try and call the police over here,
because he would try and kill all of them as well.
In order for us to beat him,
we have to keep over feeding him with potatoes to fatten him up.
-Boss, are you fucking crazy? -You have to believe me, Marcinek.
It's the only thing we can really do.
-What's the update? -He's eating.
Gorging himself like a fucking pig. Which isn't surprising really.
We supplied him with copious amounts of steamed potatoes for livestock.
Dozens and dozens of kilos.
Sure hope it takes him a while to consume all those potatoes.
Shit, where is Domino?
If he fails his mission, we will end up wasting two whole pots of potatoes.
-[phone chiming] -Who's this Domino?
Hello?
What? Wa-wa-wa-wait. Slowly.
How come?
[sighs] Peace out.
If you're gonna say that he is not coming,
you better shut the fuck up right now.
So then?
I thought I was supposed to shut up right now.
He's not coming inside, but he's right outside the building.
He's been arrested by the police again.
The moron is running around town without a disguise on again.
No wonder they arrested Domino.
Huh! This is a weird ID.
Have you seen this, Mariusz? It must be a new one. Or an old one.
Oh damn, a demon.
Gentlemen, hold on. I promise I can explain everything to you.
Don't disturb him. Martin is writing a ticket and he can't make a mistake
because it's the only pad of paper we have.
-But I was just gonna-- -Wait just a minute!
[sniffing]
It smells so darn good in here.
Now that's the kind of dinner I like to enjoy,
not those awful pizzas the youngsters like to get diabetes from these days.
[sniffing] The smell is coming from in here.
I'll knock on the door. Say I need to borrow some sugar.
Maybe some dinner, too.
-[roaring] -[yelping]
-[roaring continues] -Oh fuck, it has begun.
Unhand Domino, or we are all going to be brutally murdered!
Now I made a mistake
because he keeps yapping about murder in my ear.
See what you've done now? ID right now!
Oh, wait. We are all out of pads now, right?
Potatoes!
What an absolute unit!
Please keep it down. It's after ten o'clock curfew.
[roaring]
Oh crap. Hands up, spread your legs and don't use your teeth…
Uh, got you confused with my date last night. Sorry.
Just put your hands up now!
-[grunts] -[groans]
Potatoes! [roaring]
Oh shit, he's heading downtown.
-Ah, fuck, screw this. -[grunts]
Why, you! Stop, or I swear I'll shoot you in the back!
Since I'm a terrible shot, I'll probably end up hitting all of us!
I will even settle for some damn soup.
Some good old potato soup.
How about you settle for a swarm of some friendly potato beetles for dinner?
[screaming]
God, Dad, no!
No, hold on. This is supposed to happen, right?
That thing is not my loving ol' father anymore.
[grunting]
[farts]
Phew. Looks like it all worked out.
[laughs] And who's on top now, fellas?
Definitely not you. Gotcha!
-Uh, so… -[Boner] Gentlemen, let him go.
Yes, he's a stupid demon. Completely harmless. He is tame.
What stupid demon?
We're city folk and we don't believe in those superstitions.
He rode his bike through a red light.
Hand over a 200 zloty bribe, and we will disappear in an instant.
Or we can issue you a ticket, but it will be a lot more expensive.
-It's really not worth it. -Err…
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]