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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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[man roaring] Taters!
4
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[roaring]
5
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Potatoes!
6
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Potatoes!
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[roaring]
8
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[object shattering]
9
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Mom, could you hurry up, please?
10
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[Mom] I'm getting it.
Move away from the door.
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Don't tease him.
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[man] Yum, yum, yum, yum… Gimme yams!
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-[roaring]
-[objects clattering]
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Mother.
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I'm getting it.
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[exhales]
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-Open.
-[door opens]
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[door slams]
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FUCKING TUBER
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Tadziu. Spuds with dill leaves on them.
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[Tadziu] Spuds, you say?
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Spuds are for fucking duds, Teresa.
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Uh, I mean potatoes with dill.
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[Tadziu] Dill is gross.
I'm not some fucking dillhole.
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[sighs] But I tried so hard.
What should I do with the dill?
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[Tadziu] Throw it the fuck away.
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-Here you go.
-[Tadziu] Give me that!
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[munching]
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Not enough!
30
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I gave you the entire pot.
I haven't had time to cook more.
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You ate them!
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I just had to taste once piece
to check how salty it was.
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[roaring]
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-No, Tadziu!
-[crashing]
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[door creaking]
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[chilling music plays]
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[Tadziu growling]
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I want potato dumplings now.
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When will they be ready?
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-[Marcin] Rock!
-[Domino] Scissors!
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Fu-- Okay. Ready. Three, two--
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-[Marcin] Rock!
-[Domino] Scissors! Yeh!
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Damn, what's wrong?
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Okay, one more time.
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-Three, two, one, scissors!
-I choose rock!
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God fucking dammit.
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-Had enough, Domino?
-No way!
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Domino is the kind of demon
that never ever gives up.
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The only thing I lose
is cash money anyway.
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-Three, two, one, scissors!
-I choose rock!
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You keep on cheating!
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You are the one playing
like a fucking loser.
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You've picked scissors every game.
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Yeah, well, if you keep playing the same
lottery numbers over and over again,
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you will eventually win.
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It's the same idea.
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-Again. Three, two, one, scissors!
-I choose rock!
58
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What is all this slacking off
you two are doing?
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-What am I paying you for?
-Me? You're not paying me for anything.
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I need to talk to you about my salary…
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Hey, how about some rock-paper-scissors?
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-Okay, ready? Three, and two--
-[knocking on door]
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No way! A customer!
Domino, quickly, get in the bathroom.
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I don't want your horns
to scare them away.
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Shit, I knew that someone would knock
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as soon as the boss
finished stinking up the toilet.
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[inhales, holds breath]
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Hello? May I come in?
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If you must. Is this for a renovation
or help with a possession?
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Um, well, I guess it's the latter.
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[sighs] It's never the nice big bucks.
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Whatever. Sit down, young man,
and tell me, what you got going on?
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Okay. First, the cops said
that it was an accident
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because they don't believe
in superstitions or fantasies.
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Come on, for two hundred zloty,
I can believe anything you say.
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Uh, unless you want an invoice.
Then belief costs a little bit more.
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Nah. There is no need for an invoice.
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I'll just start from the beginning.
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My father was normal
and not always like this.
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So, yeah, it was just a few years ago
when he looked like a real dad
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and acted just like all the other
typical dads out there.
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-So, you two wait here for Daddy, okay?
-[buzzing]
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BABY HATCH
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[dramatic music plays]
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-Just a regular old father.
-[Boner snoring]
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My father always liked potatoes
so damn much!
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Um, yeah, huh…
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Potatoes in any form, basically.
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Mashed potatoes, wedges,
maybe some slices,
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puree, french fries, potato dumplings,
and even potato pancakes.
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Keep it short, junior,
you're starting to make me hungry.
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Um, okay, to the point.
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At first, no one paid any attention
to his potato hunger.
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-Thanks, Mom.
-"Thank you"?
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You take one bite and say "thank you"?
You are done eating?
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You've been eating all that
crappy takeout food, haven't you?
97
00:03:40,876 --> 00:03:42,584
Oh, no, Mom, I'm just full already.
98
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And besides,
street kebabs are not crappy food.
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Finish your cutlet.
You can leave the potatoes behind.
100
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Teresa! Don't give me that bullshit.
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We are not gonna throw away
any of these wonderful potatoes.
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I will eat them if this loser won't.
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Mother, I am also stuffed.
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Over time, my father's love for potatoes
began to grow into an immense obsession.
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Every meal we ate had to include
those disgusting things.
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For every breakfast,
for every lunch, and every dinner,
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and even for every dessert,
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he demanded to be served insane amounts
of potatoes all the freaking time.
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But even worse,
my fathers body began to slowly transform.
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He gained lots of weight.
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-[munching]
-And his skin began to darken.
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At the end of August,
he was fired from his job
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because during their lunch break
in the cafeteria,
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he threw himself at the manager,
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who allegedly
had more potato dumplings on his plate.
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Since then, he's been spending
all of his free time,
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probably about thirty hours a day,
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sitting in his same ugly chair,
wasting away in front of his television,
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consuming increasing amounts of potatoes.
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We were so afraid.
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Oh, so afraid of him.
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The old man said
to keep the taters coming.
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And he devoured them.
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One day I come home and find
my poor brother lying on the floor,
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next to his armchair.
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He was dead.
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And the bastard was just sitting quietly
in his chair eating spuds,
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and he was watching
some trivia quiz game show.
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[host on TV] Mr. Piotr, what movie
according to the IMDb rankings
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was the worst movie of all time?
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-[Mr. Piotr] Um, Waterworld.
-[host] You were close.
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The police said that my brothers death
was caused from choking on a potato
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and deemed it an unfortunate accident.
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A few months passed.
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Over time, I unfortunately accepted
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the police’s version
of the events as truth.
137
00:05:11,043 --> 00:05:12,959
But then, he did it again a few days ago.
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This time, he killed my mother.
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00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:17,084
I told the cop
that my dad's been possessed,
140
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and he laughed at me for believing
in superstitious garbage
141
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:20,626
and decided to report it as…
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Reported as an unfortunate accident.
143
00:05:22,876 --> 00:05:25,126
I thought my last hope
must be to hire an exorcist.
144
00:05:25,209 --> 00:05:27,709
I would try a priest, but as you
can imagine, I don't shit money.
145
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You did the right thing coming to us
with this kind of problem.
146
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,043
But you had better be warned,
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that if your old man has transformed
into the creature I think he has,
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then dire misery will fall upon all of us.
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[foreboding music playing]
150
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[brakes screeching]
151
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We're here. It's this apartment building.
152
00:05:47,251 --> 00:05:50,334
Marcinek, take the toilet paper with you
this time in case you get too scared.
153
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,126
And you, junior,
lead the way to your room.
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[van door closes]
155
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Seriously? A roll of toilet paper
is all you have to offer me?
156
00:05:56,626 --> 00:05:58,626
What the hell did you expect
for two hundred zloty?
157
00:05:58,709 --> 00:06:01,043
Anyway, if it turns out
that I am right about this,
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not even the toilet paper
will be able to help us.
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Follow me. You go ahead.
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00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:07,876
[Marcin] Boss, doesn't this seem
a little strange to you?
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[Boner] What?
162
00:06:08,876 --> 00:06:10,543
[Marcin] If someone says
they're shitting bricks,
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00:06:10,626 --> 00:06:12,709
is it actual bricks of shit
or is it too much bran?
164
00:06:12,793 --> 00:06:15,751
[Marcin] But what if you could
shit real life actual bricks?
165
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,334
You could build a brick shithouse!
166
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[Boner sighs]
167
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This door here.
168
00:06:20,543 --> 00:06:22,876
Why are you standing
looking like a deer in the headlights?
169
00:06:22,959 --> 00:06:24,751
Go ahead, open it now. Get inside already.
170
00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:25,709
Oh, no, no.
171
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I'm not gonna open that door.
172
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That horrible thing in there
is no longer my loving father.
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That thing…
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[whispering] …no longer has
any human behaviors.
175
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You fucking pussy.
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00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:36,584
[door creaking]
177
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What's his problem?
178
00:06:38,918 --> 00:06:41,543
Everything looks completely normal to me
at first glance.
179
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Like after
a traditional Polish house party.
180
00:06:44,126 --> 00:06:47,459
He should've seen my place
after my eighteenth birthday. [chuckles]
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00:06:47,543 --> 00:06:49,459
I feel like this is gonna be
an easy case, boss.
182
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:50,376
Quiet, Marcinek.
183
00:06:50,459 --> 00:06:53,209
Just because the apartment is
nice and tidy doesn't mean it's all okay.
184
00:06:53,293 --> 00:06:55,126
Hello! Are you there, Mr. Host?
185
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You have some company!
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Let's check the room.
187
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[softly] He's sleeping.
188
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:03,959
Or he's just dead.
189
00:07:04,043 --> 00:07:05,834
Or he's lurking like a toad
waiting for you.
190
00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:07,543
Be careful, Marcinek. Don't get too close.
191
00:07:07,626 --> 00:07:09,876
Crap! Have you ever seen
anything as weird as this?
192
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:11,084
I have, in the toilet.
193
00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:13,334
The day after a special offer
on street kebabs.
194
00:07:13,418 --> 00:07:15,793
But mine did not have sprouts
growing from it.
195
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,459
Oh stop, don't worry,
he's not even breathing.
196
00:07:19,543 --> 00:07:20,459
[Tadziu sniffing]
197
00:07:20,543 --> 00:07:23,793
French fries!
Puke them out or I'll kill you.
198
00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:26,043
[whimpering] That's not really something
I can do on cue.
199
00:07:26,126 --> 00:07:27,293
[Tadziu growling]
200
00:07:27,376 --> 00:07:28,876
-[grunts]
-[vomiting]
201
00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:30,043
Why, you little! [grunts]
202
00:07:30,668 --> 00:07:32,293
[growls]
203
00:07:32,876 --> 00:07:36,459
-Marcinek, retreat!
-[door slams close]
204
00:07:37,876 --> 00:07:40,293
Holy shit, your situation up there
is not good at all, kid.
205
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,376
-How's that?
-I was hoping it would go a bit better
206
00:07:42,459 --> 00:07:43,501
but it was shit-show.
207
00:07:43,584 --> 00:07:45,709
Unfortunately,
the prognosis is much worse.
208
00:07:45,793 --> 00:07:48,793
Your father has transformed
into a hideous vampuree.
209
00:07:48,876 --> 00:07:49,959
What, do you mean a vampire?
210
00:07:50,043 --> 00:07:52,876
Not a vampire, but a goddamn vampuree.
211
00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:55,084
Much more dangerous
than your average vampire.
212
00:07:55,168 --> 00:07:56,418
Instead of blood though,
213
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:59,043
what he craves is a constant flow
of potato starch.
214
00:07:59,126 --> 00:08:01,959
And he's willing to kill anything
for his potatoes.
215
00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:04,501
Worst of all,
he's practically immortal now.
216
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:07,626
A gunshot to the head will only make him
chuckle and grumpy, and then…
217
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:09,626
he will murder you just for the fun of it.
218
00:08:09,709 --> 00:08:12,543
Not only that, God forbid,
we try and call the police over here,
219
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,626
because he would try
and kill all of them as well.
220
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:16,084
In order for us to beat him,
221
00:08:16,168 --> 00:08:18,918
we have to keep over feeding him
with potatoes to fatten him up.
222
00:08:19,001 --> 00:08:21,876
-Boss, are you fucking crazy?
-You have to believe me, Marcinek.
223
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:24,251
It's the only thing we can really do.
224
00:08:28,168 --> 00:08:29,459
-What's the update?
-He's eating.
225
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,293
Gorging himself like a fucking pig.
Which isn't surprising really.
226
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We supplied him with copious amounts
of steamed potatoes for livestock.
227
00:08:35,376 --> 00:08:37,209
Dozens and dozens of kilos.
228
00:08:37,293 --> 00:08:39,668
Sure hope it takes him a while
to consume all those potatoes.
229
00:08:39,751 --> 00:08:40,751
Shit, where is Domino?
230
00:08:40,834 --> 00:08:43,959
If he fails his mission, we will end up
wasting two whole pots of potatoes.
231
00:08:44,043 --> 00:08:45,584
-[phone chiming]
-Who's this Domino?
232
00:08:45,668 --> 00:08:46,543
Hello?
233
00:08:47,209 --> 00:08:49,501
What? Wa-wa-wa-wait. Slowly.
234
00:08:50,251 --> 00:08:51,084
How come?
235
00:08:51,918 --> 00:08:53,293
[sighs] Peace out.
236
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,126
If you're gonna say
that he is not coming,
237
00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:57,126
you better shut the fuck up right now.
238
00:08:58,251 --> 00:08:59,084
So then?
239
00:08:59,168 --> 00:09:01,293
I thought I was supposed
to shut up right now.
240
00:09:01,376 --> 00:09:04,001
He's not coming inside,
but he's right outside the building.
241
00:09:04,084 --> 00:09:05,626
He's been arrested by the police again.
242
00:09:05,709 --> 00:09:08,043
The moron is running around town
without a disguise on again.
243
00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:09,959
No wonder they arrested Domino.
244
00:09:10,793 --> 00:09:12,418
Huh! This is a weird ID.
245
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:15,459
Have you seen this, Mariusz?
It must be a new one. Or an old one.
246
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:16,376
Oh damn, a demon.
247
00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:18,876
Gentlemen, hold on.
I promise I can explain everything to you.
248
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,834
Don't disturb him. Martin is writing
a ticket and he can't make a mistake
249
00:09:21,918 --> 00:09:23,543
because it's the only pad
of paper we have.
250
00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:25,293
-But I was just gonna--
-Wait just a minute!
251
00:09:26,418 --> 00:09:27,584
[sniffing]
252
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,709
It smells so darn good in here.
253
00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:31,709
Now that's the kind of dinner
I like to enjoy,
254
00:09:31,793 --> 00:09:35,543
not those awful pizzas the youngsters like
to get diabetes from these days.
255
00:09:38,668 --> 00:09:41,126
[sniffing] The smell is coming
from in here.
256
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:44,126
I'll knock on the door.
Say I need to borrow some sugar.
257
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,584
Maybe some dinner, too.
258
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,668
-[roaring]
-[yelping]
259
00:09:47,793 --> 00:09:49,459
-[roaring continues]
-Oh fuck, it has begun.
260
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:51,959
Unhand Domino, or we are all
going to be brutally murdered!
261
00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:53,126
Now I made a mistake
262
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,126
because he keeps yapping
about murder in my ear.
263
00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:57,293
See what you've done now? ID right now!
264
00:09:57,376 --> 00:09:59,376
Oh, wait.
We are all out of pads now, right?
265
00:09:59,459 --> 00:10:01,126
Potatoes!
266
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:02,376
What an absolute unit!
267
00:10:02,459 --> 00:10:04,543
Please keep it down.
It's after ten o'clock curfew.
268
00:10:04,626 --> 00:10:05,709
[roaring]
269
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:08,668
Oh crap. Hands up, spread your legs
and don't use your teeth…
270
00:10:08,751 --> 00:10:10,834
Uh, got you confused
with my date last night. Sorry.
271
00:10:10,918 --> 00:10:12,459
Just put your hands up now!
272
00:10:12,543 --> 00:10:14,209
-[grunts]
-[groans]
273
00:10:14,293 --> 00:10:16,959
Potatoes! [roaring]
274
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:18,626
Oh shit, he's heading downtown.
275
00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,293
-Ah, fuck, screw this.
-[grunts]
276
00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:22,959
Why, you! Stop, or I swear
I'll shoot you in the back!
277
00:10:23,043 --> 00:10:25,543
Since I'm a terrible shot,
I'll probably end up hitting all of us!
278
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,709
I will even settle for some damn soup.
279
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,459
Some good old potato soup.
280
00:10:29,543 --> 00:10:32,959
How about you settle for a swarm of
some friendly potato beetles for dinner?
281
00:10:33,043 --> 00:10:36,459
[screaming]
282
00:10:36,543 --> 00:10:38,709
God, Dad, no!
283
00:10:38,793 --> 00:10:40,709
No, hold on.
This is supposed to happen, right?
284
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:43,543
That thing is not
my loving ol' father anymore.
285
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:45,334
[grunting]
286
00:10:46,918 --> 00:10:47,793
[farts]
287
00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:49,793
Phew. Looks like it all worked out.
288
00:10:49,876 --> 00:10:52,043
[laughs] And who's on top now, fellas?
289
00:10:52,126 --> 00:10:53,834
Definitely not you. Gotcha!
290
00:10:53,918 --> 00:10:56,126
-Uh, so…
-[Boner] Gentlemen, let him go.
291
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:59,543
Yes, he's a stupid demon.
Completely harmless. He is tame.
292
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,459
What stupid demon?
293
00:11:00,543 --> 00:11:02,959
We're city folk and we don't believe
in those superstitions.
294
00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:04,501
He rode his bike through a red light.
295
00:11:04,584 --> 00:11:07,334
Hand over a 200 zloty bribe,
and we will disappear in an instant.
296
00:11:07,418 --> 00:11:09,918
Or we can issue you a ticket,
but it will be a lot more expensive.
297
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:12,543
-It's really not worth it.
-Err…
298
00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:13,459
THE END
299
00:11:13,543 --> 00:11:15,543
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
300
00:11:15,626 --> 00:11:18,793
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
301
00:11:18,876 --> 00:11:21,501
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
302
00:11:21,584 --> 00:11:25,043
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
303
00:11:25,126 --> 00:11:29,126
[malevolent laugh]