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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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Taters!
3
00:00:22,209 --> 00:00:24,793
Potatoes!
4
00:00:24,876 --> 00:00:28,376
Potatoes!
5
00:00:32,168 --> 00:00:33,459
Mom, could you hurry up, please?
6
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I'm getting it.
Move away from the door.
7
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Don't tease him.
8
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Yum, yum, yum, yum… Gimme yams!
9
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Mother.
10
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I'm getting it.
11
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Open.
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FUCKING TUBER
13
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Tadziu. Spuds with dill leaves on them.
14
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Spuds, you say?
15
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Spuds are for fucking duds, Teresa.
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Uh, I mean potatoes with dill.
17
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Dill is gross.
I'm not some fucking dillhole.
18
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But I tried so hard.
What should I do with the dill?
19
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Throw it the fuck away.
20
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-Here you go.
-Give me that!
21
00:01:19,126 --> 00:01:20,168
Not enough!
22
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I gave you the entire pot.
I haven't had time to cook more.
23
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You ate them!
24
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:26,959
I just had to taste once piece
to check how salty it was.
25
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No, Tadziu!
26
00:01:43,751 --> 00:01:45,584
I want potato dumplings now.
27
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When will they be ready?
28
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-Rock!
-Scissors!
29
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Fu-- Okay. Ready. Three, two--
30
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-Rock!
-Scissors! Yeh!
31
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Damn, what's wrong?
32
00:01:53,626 --> 00:01:54,626
Okay, one more time.
33
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-Three, two, one, scissors!
-I choose rock!
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God fucking dammit.
35
00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,501
-Had enough, Domino?
-No way!
36
00:01:59,584 --> 00:02:01,918
Domino is the kind of demon
that never ever gives up.
37
00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:03,876
The only thing I lose
is cash money anyway.
38
00:02:03,959 --> 00:02:05,751
-Three, two, one, scissors!
-I choose rock!
39
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,834
You keep on cheating!
40
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:08,626
You are the one playing
like a fucking loser.
41
00:02:08,709 --> 00:02:10,293
You've picked scissors every game.
42
00:02:10,376 --> 00:02:13,793
Yeah, well, if you keep playing the same
lottery numbers over and over again,
43
00:02:13,876 --> 00:02:15,209
you will eventually win.
44
00:02:15,293 --> 00:02:16,293
It's the same idea.
45
00:02:16,376 --> 00:02:18,459
-Again. Three, two, one, scissors!
-I choose rock!
46
00:02:18,543 --> 00:02:20,584
What is all this slacking off
you two are doing?
47
00:02:20,668 --> 00:02:23,168
-What am I paying you for?
-Me? You're not paying me for anything.
48
00:02:23,251 --> 00:02:24,959
I need to talk to you about my salary…
49
00:02:25,043 --> 00:02:26,584
Hey, how about some rock-paper-scissors?
50
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,668
Okay, ready? Three, and two--
51
00:02:29,251 --> 00:02:32,209
No way! A customer!
Domino, quickly, get in the bathroom.
52
00:02:32,293 --> 00:02:34,001
I don't want your horns
to scare them away.
53
00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:35,626
Shit, I knew that someone would knock
54
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as soon as the boss
finished stinking up the toilet.
55
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Hello? May I come in?
56
00:02:40,459 --> 00:02:42,793
If you must. Is this for a renovation
or help with a possession?
57
00:02:42,876 --> 00:02:44,543
Um, well, I guess it's the latter.
58
00:02:44,626 --> 00:02:46,376
It's never the nice big bucks.
59
00:02:46,459 --> 00:02:49,209
Whatever. Sit down, young man,
and tell me, what you got going on?
60
00:02:49,293 --> 00:02:51,209
Okay. First, the cops said
that it was an accident
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00:02:51,293 --> 00:02:53,459
because they don't believe
in superstitions or fantasies.
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Come on, for two hundred zloty,
I can believe anything you say.
63
00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:59,126
Uh, unless you want an invoice.
Then belief costs a little bit more.
64
00:02:59,209 --> 00:03:00,959
Nah. There is no need for an invoice.
65
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I'll just start from the beginning.
66
00:03:02,543 --> 00:03:04,543
My father was normal
and not always like this.
67
00:03:04,626 --> 00:03:07,543
So, yeah, it was just a few years ago
when he looked like a real dad
68
00:03:07,626 --> 00:03:09,959
and acted just like all the other
typical dads out there.
69
00:03:10,043 --> 00:03:12,209
So, you two wait here for Daddy, okay?
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BABY HATCH
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Just a regular old father.
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My father always liked potatoes
so damn much!
73
00:03:20,709 --> 00:03:21,543
Um, yeah, huh…
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00:03:21,626 --> 00:03:23,459
Potatoes in any form, basically.
75
00:03:23,543 --> 00:03:26,001
Mashed potatoes, wedges,
maybe some slices,
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puree, french fries, potato dumplings,
and even potato pancakes.
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Keep it short, junior,
you're starting to make me hungry.
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Um, okay, to the point.
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At first, no one paid any attention
to his potato hunger.
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00:03:34,876 --> 00:03:36,001
-Thanks, Mom.
-"Thank you"?
81
00:03:36,084 --> 00:03:38,334
You take one bite and say "thank you"?
You are done eating?
82
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,793
You've been eating all that
crappy takeout food, haven't you?
83
00:03:40,876 --> 00:03:42,584
Oh, no, Mom, I'm just full already.
84
00:03:42,668 --> 00:03:44,459
And besides,
street kebabs are not crappy food.
85
00:03:44,543 --> 00:03:46,709
Finish your cutlet.
You can leave the potatoes behind.
86
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Teresa! Don't give me that bullshit.
87
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We are not gonna throw away
any of these wonderful potatoes.
88
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I will eat them if this loser won't.
89
00:03:53,459 --> 00:03:55,251
Mother, I am also stuffed.
90
00:03:56,001 --> 00:04:00,084
Over time, my father's love for potatoes
began to grow into an immense obsession.
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00:04:00,168 --> 00:04:02,418
Every meal we ate had to include
those disgusting things.
92
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For every breakfast,
for every lunch, and every dinner,
93
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and even for every dessert,
94
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he demanded to be served insane amounts
of potatoes all the freaking time.
95
00:04:08,959 --> 00:04:11,876
But even worse,
my fathers body began to slowly transform.
96
00:04:11,959 --> 00:04:13,418
He gained lots of weight.
97
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:15,793
And his skin began to darken.
98
00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:17,751
At the end of August,
he was fired from his job
99
00:04:17,834 --> 00:04:19,751
because during their lunch break
in the cafeteria,
100
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he threw himself at the manager,
101
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who allegedly
had more potato dumplings on his plate.
102
00:04:24,126 --> 00:04:26,584
Since then, he's been spending
all of his free time,
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probably about thirty hours a day,
104
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sitting in his same ugly chair,
wasting away in front of his television,
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00:04:31,626 --> 00:04:34,126
consuming increasing amounts of potatoes.
106
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We were so afraid.
107
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Oh, so afraid of him.
108
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The old man said
to keep the taters coming.
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And he devoured them.
110
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One day I come home and find
my poor brother lying on the floor,
111
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next to his armchair.
112
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He was dead.
113
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And the bastard was just sitting quietly
in his chair eating spuds,
114
00:04:50,543 --> 00:04:53,126
and he was watching
some trivia quiz game show.
115
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:56,293
Mr. Piotr, what movie
according to the IMDb rankings
116
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was the worst movie of all time?
117
00:04:58,209 --> 00:05:00,459
-Um, Waterworld.
-You were close.
118
00:05:00,543 --> 00:05:03,376
The police said that my brothers death
was caused from choking on a potato
119
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and deemed it an unfortunate accident.
120
00:05:05,709 --> 00:05:07,209
A few months passed.
121
00:05:07,293 --> 00:05:08,918
Over time, I unfortunately accepted
122
00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:10,959
the police’s version
of the events as truth.
123
00:05:11,043 --> 00:05:12,959
But then, he did it again a few days ago.
124
00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:15,293
This time, he killed my mother.
125
00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:17,084
I told the cop
that my dad's been possessed,
126
00:05:17,168 --> 00:05:19,418
and he laughed at me for believing
in superstitious garbage
127
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:20,626
and decided to report it as…
128
00:05:20,709 --> 00:05:22,793
Reported as an unfortunate accident.
129
00:05:22,876 --> 00:05:25,126
I thought my last hope
must be to hire an exorcist.
130
00:05:25,209 --> 00:05:27,709
I would try a priest, but as you
can imagine, I don't shit money.
131
00:05:27,793 --> 00:05:30,376
You did the right thing coming to us
with this kind of problem.
132
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,043
But you had better be warned,
133
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that if your old man has transformed
into the creature I think he has,
134
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then dire misery will fall upon all of us.
135
00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:47,168
We're here. It's this apartment building.
136
00:05:47,251 --> 00:05:50,334
Marcinek, take the toilet paper with you
this time in case you get too scared.
137
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,126
And you, junior,
lead the way to your room.
138
00:05:54,084 --> 00:05:56,543
Seriously? A roll of toilet paper
is all you have to offer me?
139
00:05:56,626 --> 00:05:58,626
What the hell did you expect
for two hundred zloty?
140
00:05:58,709 --> 00:06:01,043
Anyway, if it turns out
that I am right about this,
141
00:06:01,126 --> 00:06:03,543
not even the toilet paper
will be able to help us.
142
00:06:03,626 --> 00:06:04,959
Follow me. You go ahead.
143
00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:07,876
Boss, doesn't this seem
a little strange to you?
144
00:06:07,959 --> 00:06:08,793
What?
145
00:06:08,876 --> 00:06:10,543
If someone says
they're shitting bricks,
146
00:06:10,626 --> 00:06:12,709
is it actual bricks of shit
or is it too much bran?
147
00:06:12,793 --> 00:06:15,751
But what if you could
shit real life actual bricks?
148
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,334
You could build a brick shithouse!
149
00:06:19,626 --> 00:06:20,459
This door here.
150
00:06:20,543 --> 00:06:22,876
Why are you standing
looking like a deer in the headlights?
151
00:06:22,959 --> 00:06:24,751
Go ahead, open it now. Get inside already.
152
00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:25,709
Oh, no, no.
153
00:06:25,793 --> 00:06:27,251
I'm not gonna open that door.
154
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:29,793
That horrible thing in there
is no longer my loving father.
155
00:06:29,876 --> 00:06:31,168
That thing…
156
00:06:31,251 --> 00:06:33,626
…no longer has
any human behaviors.
157
00:06:33,709 --> 00:06:35,043
You fucking pussy.
158
00:06:37,668 --> 00:06:38,834
What's his problem?
159
00:06:38,918 --> 00:06:41,543
Everything looks completely normal to me
at first glance.
160
00:06:41,626 --> 00:06:44,043
Like after
a traditional Polish house party.
161
00:06:44,126 --> 00:06:47,459
He should've seen my place
after my eighteenth birthday.
162
00:06:47,543 --> 00:06:49,459
I feel like this is gonna be
an easy case, boss.
163
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:50,376
Quiet, Marcinek.
164
00:06:50,459 --> 00:06:53,209
Just because the apartment is
nice and tidy doesn't mean it's all okay.
165
00:06:53,293 --> 00:06:55,126
Hello! Are you there, Mr. Host?
166
00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:56,793
You have some company!
167
00:06:56,876 --> 00:06:57,959
Let's check the room.
168
00:07:01,293 --> 00:07:02,334
He's sleeping.
169
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:03,959
Or he's just dead.
170
00:07:04,043 --> 00:07:05,834
Or he's lurking like a toad
waiting for you.
171
00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:07,543
Be careful, Marcinek. Don't get too close.
172
00:07:07,626 --> 00:07:09,876
Crap! Have you ever seen
anything as weird as this?
173
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:11,084
I have, in the toilet.
174
00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:13,334
The day after a special offer
on street kebabs.
175
00:07:13,418 --> 00:07:15,793
But mine did not have sprouts
growing from it.
176
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,459
Oh stop, don't worry,
he's not even breathing.
177
00:07:20,543 --> 00:07:23,793
French fries!
Puke them out or I'll kill you.
178
00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:26,043
That's not really something
I can do on cue.
179
00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:30,043
Why, you little!
180
00:07:32,876 --> 00:07:36,459
Marcinek, retreat!
181
00:07:37,876 --> 00:07:40,293
Holy shit, your situation up there
is not good at all, kid.
182
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,376
-How's that?
-I was hoping it would go a bit better
183
00:07:42,459 --> 00:07:43,501
but it was shit-show.
184
00:07:43,584 --> 00:07:45,709
Unfortunately,
the prognosis is much worse.
185
00:07:45,793 --> 00:07:48,793
Your father has transformed
into a hideous vampuree.
186
00:07:48,876 --> 00:07:49,959
What, do you mean a vampire?
187
00:07:50,043 --> 00:07:52,876
Not a vampire, but a goddamn vampuree.
188
00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:55,084
Much more dangerous
than your average vampire.
189
00:07:55,168 --> 00:07:56,418
Instead of blood though,
190
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:59,043
what he craves is a constant flow
of potato starch.
191
00:07:59,126 --> 00:08:01,959
And he's willing to kill anything
for his potatoes.
192
00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:04,501
Worst of all,
he's practically immortal now.
193
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:07,626
A gunshot to the head will only make him
chuckle and grumpy, and then…
194
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:09,626
he will murder you just for the fun of it.
195
00:08:09,709 --> 00:08:12,543
Not only that, God forbid,
we try and call the police over here,
196
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,626
because he would try
and kill all of them as well.
197
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:16,084
In order for us to beat him,
198
00:08:16,168 --> 00:08:18,918
we have to keep over feeding him
with potatoes to fatten him up.
199
00:08:19,001 --> 00:08:21,876
-Boss, are you fucking crazy?
-You have to believe me, Marcinek.
200
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:24,251
It's the only thing we can really do.
201
00:08:28,168 --> 00:08:29,459
-What's the update?
-He's eating.
202
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,293
Gorging himself like a fucking pig.
Which isn't surprising really.
203
00:08:32,376 --> 00:08:35,293
We supplied him with copious amounts
of steamed potatoes for livestock.
204
00:08:35,376 --> 00:08:37,209
Dozens and dozens of kilos.
205
00:08:37,293 --> 00:08:39,668
Sure hope it takes him a while
to consume all those potatoes.
206
00:08:39,751 --> 00:08:40,751
Shit, where is Domino?
207
00:08:40,834 --> 00:08:43,959
If he fails his mission, we will end up
wasting two whole pots of potatoes.
208
00:08:44,043 --> 00:08:45,584
Who's this Domino?
209
00:08:45,668 --> 00:08:46,543
Hello?
210
00:08:47,209 --> 00:08:49,501
What? Wa-wa-wa-wait. Slowly.
211
00:08:50,251 --> 00:08:51,084
How come?
212
00:08:51,918 --> 00:08:53,293
Peace out.
213
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,126
If you're gonna say
that he is not coming,
214
00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:57,126
you better shut the fuck up right now.
215
00:08:58,251 --> 00:08:59,084
So then?
216
00:08:59,168 --> 00:09:01,293
I thought I was supposed
to shut up right now.
217
00:09:01,376 --> 00:09:04,001
He's not coming inside,
but he's right outside the building.
218
00:09:04,084 --> 00:09:05,626
He's been arrested by the police again.
219
00:09:05,709 --> 00:09:08,043
The moron is running around town
without a disguise on again.
220
00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:09,959
No wonder they arrested Domino.
221
00:09:10,793 --> 00:09:12,418
Huh! This is a weird ID.
222
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:15,459
Have you seen this, Mariusz?
It must be a new one. Or an old one.
223
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:16,376
Oh damn, a demon.
224
00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:18,876
Gentlemen, hold on.
I promise I can explain everything to you.
225
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,834
Don't disturb him. Martin is writing
a ticket and he can't make a mistake
226
00:09:21,918 --> 00:09:23,543
because it's the only pad
of paper we have.
227
00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:25,293
-But I was just gonna--
-Wait just a minute!
228
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,709
It smells so darn good in here.
229
00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:31,709
Now that's the kind of dinner
I like to enjoy,
230
00:09:31,793 --> 00:09:35,543
not those awful pizzas the youngsters like
to get diabetes from these days.
231
00:09:38,668 --> 00:09:41,126
The smell is coming
from in here.
232
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:44,126
I'll knock on the door.
Say I need to borrow some sugar.
233
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,584
Maybe some dinner, too.
234
00:09:47,793 --> 00:09:49,459
Oh fuck, it has begun.
235
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:51,959
Unhand Domino, or we are all
going to be brutally murdered!
236
00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:53,126
Now I made a mistake
237
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,126
because he keeps yapping
about murder in my ear.
238
00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:57,293
See what you've done now? ID right now!
239
00:09:57,376 --> 00:09:59,376
Oh, wait.
We are all out of pads now, right?
240
00:09:59,459 --> 00:10:01,126
Potatoes!
241
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:02,376
What an absolute unit!
242
00:10:02,459 --> 00:10:04,543
Please keep it down.
It's after ten o'clock curfew.
243
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:08,668
Oh crap. Hands up, spread your legs
and don't use your teeth…
244
00:10:08,751 --> 00:10:10,834
Uh, got you confused
with my date last night. Sorry.
245
00:10:10,918 --> 00:10:12,459
Just put your hands up now!
246
00:10:14,293 --> 00:10:16,959
Potatoes!
247
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:18,626
Oh shit, he's heading downtown.
248
00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,293
Ah, fuck, screw this.
249
00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:22,959
Why, you! Stop, or I swear
I'll shoot you in the back!
250
00:10:23,043 --> 00:10:25,543
Since I'm a terrible shot,
I'll probably end up hitting all of us!
251
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,709
I will even settle for some damn soup.
252
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,459
Some good old potato soup.
253
00:10:29,543 --> 00:10:32,959
How about you settle for a swarm of
some friendly potato beetles for dinner?
254
00:10:36,543 --> 00:10:38,709
God, Dad, no!
255
00:10:38,793 --> 00:10:40,709
No, hold on.
This is supposed to happen, right?
256
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:43,543
That thing is not
my loving ol' father anymore.
257
00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:49,793
Phew. Looks like it all worked out.
258
00:10:49,876 --> 00:10:52,043
And who's on top now, fellas?
259
00:10:52,126 --> 00:10:53,834
Definitely not you. Gotcha!
260
00:10:53,918 --> 00:10:56,126
-Uh, so…
-Gentlemen, let him go.
261
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:59,543
Yes, he's a stupid demon.
Completely harmless. He is tame.
262
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,459
What stupid demon?
263
00:11:00,543 --> 00:11:02,959
We're city folk and we don't believe
in those superstitions.
264
00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:04,501
He rode his bike through a red light.
265
00:11:04,584 --> 00:11:07,334
Hand over a 200 zloty bribe,
and we will disappear in an instant.
266
00:11:07,418 --> 00:11:09,918
Or we can issue you a ticket,
but it will be a lot more expensive.
267
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:12,543
-It's really not worth it.
-Err…
268
00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:13,459
THE END