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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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THE ANGEL WINGS
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[clicking]
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We are ready. What now?
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You see, Remas, in order for
all the people to get to Hell,
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they need to sin.
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And I, as the Lord
of the Kingdom of Darkness,
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00:00:29,543 --> 00:00:30,834
need to set an example,
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and sin like nobody's business
around the clock.
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For instance, an evil deed can be abuse.
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Oh damn.
What's Your Wickedness planning to do?
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Self-abuse!
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I'm gonna beat my own meat
and flick my own dick against my will.
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Aha. So, what's with the camera?
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I may as well make some money off of it.
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There are countless perverts
who would pay money to watch that.
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All right, fuck off.
You're wasting my time.
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-[upbeat music playing]
-Boner? That exorcist is your old man?
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[chuckles] Yeah, okay.
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I'm telling you.
Why do you think I'm growing up so fast?
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I'm not even a year old
and I look like a grown-ass man.
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I guess it makes sense.
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They say, supposedly, for hybrid,
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demon-human crossbreeds,
time passes twenty times faster.
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You see then, right?
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Just don't tell anyone.
'Cause I'd be royally screwed in Hell.
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Come on, Roman!
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[chuckles] Turn in your buddy?
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Never in my life!
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And certainly not for free.
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Krzychu, you fucking dick,
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how could you totally rat me out
like that?
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I really thought we were buddies, my man!
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We are! We are! I'm totally your buddy.
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On the contrary.
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But twenty bucks don't grow on trees.
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Raus!
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[Beelzebutt] Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
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Oh yeah.
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-[knocking on door]
-Come in!
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Hey, boss, I have some news.
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[growls] Son of a bitch.
All right, bad news first.
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-I promise, it's nothing but good news.
-Seriously?
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Go on, then. What are you waiting for?
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That asshole Boner has a son
and we know where he is.
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You don't say?
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So, all that we need to do now
is kidnap him and use him as bait.
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What's the other news?
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We've got him!
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Yeah?
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Shit's about to go down!
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But this guy's a demon.
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More accurately, half-demon, half-human.
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Turns out that dickhead Boner
scored with some demon woman.
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Hmm. Okay, never mind. He's still his son.
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Since the camera is set up,
let's record a video to send to his dad.
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[malevolent laugh]
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Too bad I don't have a second tape.
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But that self-abuse shit
didn't work out anyway,
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'cause I started enjoying myself
midway through.
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Let's get started.
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[Marcin] All right.
So it'll be two medium pizzas.
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I'll have the "Porta-Potty Peasant,"
so the pepperoni.
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For Domino, the "Baltic Peasant,"
which is the pineapple one,
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and for my boss, a large meat lovers'
"Peasant at the Cardiologist."
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Yeah, yeah, extra.
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Thank you. Goodbye.
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This is fucking awesome!
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Yo, Marcin, let's fire up the PS2!
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Listen up. Here's the plan.
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We're not gonna chow down
on the pizza right away.
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We'll wait till it gets really cold.
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There's nothing like cold pizza
when you're playing FIFA.
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You're right, Domino.
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-Except for one thing.
-Yeah?
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Pineapple on a pizza?
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Please, it's like ordering
herpes on a cock.
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Herpes or no herpes,
I wouldn't put that shit in my mouth.
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This is the first and last time
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you idiots convince me
to order this kids' junk food.
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I've only got one word for assholes.
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Thick slices of fried Idaho potato,
sweet onion, and spicy sausage.
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-That's what I call some real food!
-[knocking on door]
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So soon?
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That's what you call
express delivery, right?
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What are you so happy about?
Now we have to tip them.
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Package for Mr. Bogdan… Bonher?
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Pizza?
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[Marcin] No, a package for the boss.
Did you order something?
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And why would I need to order anything
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when we've got a 24-hour liquor store
right across the street?
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So what are you waiting for? Open it up.
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It's a videotape.
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[dramatic music playing]
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[malevolent laugh]
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Shit breath!
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-[Remas] Um, uh, hold on!
-What now?
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[Remas] Oh, nothing, sorry.
I thought I didn't press "record" again.
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-Okay. Okay, you can talk now.
-[clears throat]
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[malevolent laugh]
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Shit breath!
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Exorcist Bulbous Butthead!
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Man, have I got a surprise for you
and your idiotic exorcism agency.
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Recognize him?
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That's right.
It's your bastard son from Hell.
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Now listen very carefully,
'cause I'm going to say this a third time.
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The first time Remas
didn't push record. Okay.
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You're going to do exactly as I say
or else, I…
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-[body hits the floor]
-Oops. Sorry, I meant to hit Remas.
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Oh well. That little piece of shit
is gonna fucking die anyway!
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[malevolent laugh]
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Okay. First things first.
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A long time ago,
I was expelled from Heaven
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because of a teeny tiny misunderstanding.
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It turned out great,
because I became King of Hell.
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But in a blind rage, I severed my wings
and threw them away in the dumpster.
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As you can easily see
just by looking at my fantastic physique,
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I'm doing fine.
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But my weight seems to be slowly starting
to hinder my movement,
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so I could use
a pair of wings size triple six.
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And I've come up
with a fucking brilliant idea.
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You're going to bring me
a full-fledged angel.
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A real live one!
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I will have his airfoils amputated
and sewn onto my back.
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In exchange,
I'll spare your shit-boy's stupid life
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and let you both go free.
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But not for free. Whatever.
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You'll be able to go free.
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You've got till Friday, dumbass,
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'cause I'm barbecuing weenies
over the weekend.
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Okay, bye. Turn it off.
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[moaning] Hang on.
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Oh, this'll be fucking fantastic.
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[Boner] Marcinek, turn that garbage off,
before it's too late!
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Phew, Jesus Christ, that was a close one.
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What are we gonna do?
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I think that we should help him.
After all, he is your son.
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After all, you should shut the fuck up.
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Okay, fine, I'll try to give him a chance.
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If this coin lands on heads,
I'll help him out.
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And if it's tails,
we'll let his mother worry about it.
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Fu…
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So here we are
at the Authorized Deawaoo Service Station.
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What are we doing here?
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I thought the best place to find an angel
would be a church.
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Jesus, don't make me laugh, Marcinek.
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A church? Really?
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A church is as good as its priest,
and you know how those guys are.
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One out of three are bad.
It's like roulette.
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Real angels only appear to us
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in truly wonderful
and magnificent places like this one.
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And of that, I am 100% certain.
You hear me?
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You're right!
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There's one now.
156
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That's a real angel?
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I thought they would be prettier.
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Beautiful… for an angel. Know what I mean?
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Okay. You guys know
what the fuck you're doing, right?
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[sighs] Yeah, I suppose we do.
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As they say,
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you can't choose
who your mother and father will be,
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but I never listen
to all that fucking bullshit.
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So I say you're just as guilty
as your piece of shit father.
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I have an idea.
Why don't we have a little bit of fun
166
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to pass the time while we're waiting
for your old man to come through?
167
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,543
Remas, how much longer?
168
00:06:55,626 --> 00:06:58,501
[Remas] One second, boss.
He's really got a crooked head.
169
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There. It's ready.
170
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[chuckles] Like Benny Hill
in Men in Tights! This is so much fun.
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-Whoo!
-[groans]
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[chuckles] You see that aim, Remas?
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Got this idiot on my first try!
174
00:07:09,418 --> 00:07:11,626
Uh-oh. I was actually aiming
for the apple.
175
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Is he okay?
176
00:07:13,626 --> 00:07:15,418
Nah, he's just pretending.
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Oh, freaking hell.
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Oh Jesus, it's great to see
such great service for such a low price.
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But, well, you know what they say.
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If you pay peanuts,
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then your workers will be monkeys.
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[Marcin] Help!
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A demon!
184
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Save me!
185
00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:39,001
A demon?
186
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,876
Help me!
187
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Be gone, unclean spirit!
188
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Uh, excuse me, I'll have you know
I bathe on Saturdays evenings.
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Almost every single week.
190
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[angel] Put your hands up, ass-face.
191
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You're… an angel?
192
00:07:53,293 --> 00:07:55,834
More accurately a guardian angel.
193
00:07:55,918 --> 00:07:58,376
That's right,
I work as a parking lot security guard.
194
00:07:58,459 --> 00:08:00,584
You need parking security in Heaven?
195
00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:02,126
They actually steal cars up there?
196
00:08:02,209 --> 00:08:04,459
You have no idea! [groans]
197
00:08:04,543 --> 00:08:05,876
And there we go.
198
00:08:05,959 --> 00:08:07,959
[dramatic music playing]
199
00:08:09,418 --> 00:08:12,376
All right. Now go ahead
and move the arms up and down.
200
00:08:15,543 --> 00:08:19,876
[Remus moaning]
201
00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:21,293
[squirting]
202
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,293
[sigh of satisfaction]
203
00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:23,876
Not bad.
204
00:08:23,959 --> 00:08:26,876
This plan could actually fool
that moron Boner.
205
00:08:27,001 --> 00:08:29,876
-[demon] Hey, boss, that beast is here.
-What? It's my wife?
206
00:08:29,959 --> 00:08:31,209
No, it's Boner.
207
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,209
-Aha. With the angel?
-Yeah.
208
00:08:33,293 --> 00:08:35,709
So why are you just standing there
like morning wood?
209
00:08:35,793 --> 00:08:36,876
Bring him here!
210
00:08:37,459 --> 00:08:40,168
Oh boy, I'm getting wings again!
211
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,793
This will be great, Remas! [chuckles]
212
00:08:47,751 --> 00:08:49,543
We patted him down. No weapons on him.
213
00:08:49,626 --> 00:08:52,376
Well, Bogdan Boner, you son of a bitch!
214
00:08:52,459 --> 00:08:54,668
Here we are, one big happy family.
215
00:08:54,751 --> 00:08:55,834
This time you're in luck,
216
00:08:55,918 --> 00:08:58,959
because you did what I asked
and brought me my very own angel.
217
00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:01,043
I sure hope that
you will honor our agreement
218
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:02,209
and give me back my son.
219
00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:04,084
Don't worry your pretty little head.
220
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:06,668
My word is worth a lot more than money.
221
00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:08,043
Just like bitcoin, you know?
222
00:09:10,459 --> 00:09:11,418
Hang on.
223
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:13,209
Now hold up.
224
00:09:13,293 --> 00:09:15,168
Geez, I think it looks like he's…
225
00:09:16,126 --> 00:09:17,876
absolutely shit-faced.
226
00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:20,293
Uh… Yeah, yeah, that's it. He's wasted.
227
00:09:21,459 --> 00:09:23,168
Yeah, that's my little boy.
228
00:09:23,251 --> 00:09:26,084
All right, kid.
Let's get the hell out of here already.
229
00:09:29,543 --> 00:09:31,043
Wait a damn second.
230
00:09:31,126 --> 00:09:34,126
If I'm not mistaken,
he doesn't appear to be breathing.
231
00:09:34,209 --> 00:09:35,709
You fucking killed him!
232
00:09:35,793 --> 00:09:37,543
Zenek, buddy, let's do it your way.
233
00:09:37,626 --> 00:09:38,459
Plan B!
234
00:09:38,543 --> 00:09:40,543
[dramatic music plays]
235
00:09:42,459 --> 00:09:44,626
Aw, god dammit,
they were in cahoots all along!
236
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:46,876
Remas, why didn't you pat down the angel
237
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:48,459
Open fire!
238
00:10:02,043 --> 00:10:02,918
[moans]
239
00:10:03,001 --> 00:10:04,709
Be extremely careful!
240
00:10:04,793 --> 00:10:06,959
Don't blow any holes in my future wings!
241
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,959
Zenek, I'm not armed!
242
00:10:12,043 --> 00:10:14,043
Give me one of your guns, god dammit!
243
00:10:14,126 --> 00:10:15,459
Can't do that.
244
00:10:15,543 --> 00:10:17,376
I don't have that many!
245
00:10:17,459 --> 00:10:19,126
I have a bazooka, if you want,
246
00:10:19,209 --> 00:10:20,376
but I'm not sure.
247
00:10:20,459 --> 00:10:22,209
You're just telling me this now?
248
00:10:22,293 --> 00:10:23,293
Give it!
249
00:10:23,376 --> 00:10:25,793
[malevolent laugh]
250
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,543
If you really think
you can defeat the jack of all evil,
251
00:10:28,626 --> 00:10:30,876
with some silly man-made bazooka…
252
00:10:30,959 --> 00:10:32,126
[groans]
253
00:10:32,209 --> 00:10:33,543
…then you might actually be right.
254
00:10:33,626 --> 00:10:34,876
But I won't give up, Boner.
255
00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:37,209
My King, please, it's not safe here!
256
00:10:37,293 --> 00:10:38,793
Quickly, to the bunker!
257
00:10:38,876 --> 00:10:41,709
The Guards of Darkness
will be sure to take care of them!
258
00:10:41,793 --> 00:10:43,876
[guns firing]
259
00:10:49,459 --> 00:10:50,584
[clicking]
260
00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:52,376
I'm totally out of ammunition!
261
00:10:54,376 --> 00:10:56,126
We are so fucked.
262
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:57,626
Get out of here.
263
00:10:57,709 --> 00:10:59,043
I'll take care of them.
264
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,709
Yo, Zenek, you're gonna fucking die, man!
265
00:11:01,793 --> 00:11:03,418
Don't worry, Boner.
266
00:11:03,501 --> 00:11:07,793
Angels have a dozen lives
and I'm only on my twelfth one.
267
00:11:10,043 --> 00:11:11,543
[demon battle cries]
268
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:13,959
[guns firing]
269
00:11:14,668 --> 00:11:17,959
"Poland, my friends, is not yet lost."
270
00:11:18,043 --> 00:11:19,793
[exploding]
271
00:11:24,376 --> 00:11:25,334
[growls]
272
00:11:25,876 --> 00:11:28,334
[hisses] We will cross paths again.
273
00:11:28,418 --> 00:11:30,543
Damn you, Exorcist. [malevolent laugh]
274
00:11:30,626 --> 00:11:31,459
THE END
275
00:11:31,543 --> 00:11:33,543
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
276
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:36,501
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
277
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:39,584
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
278
00:11:39,668 --> 00:11:42,876
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
279
00:11:42,959 --> 00:11:47,459
[malevolent laugh]