A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
THE ANGEL WINGS
We are ready. What now?
You see, Remas, in order for all the people to get to Hell,
they need to sin.
And I, as the Lord of the Kingdom of Darkness,
need to set an example,
and sin like nobody's business around the clock.
For instance, an evil deed can be abuse.
Oh damn. What's Your Wickedness planning to do?
Self-abuse!
I'm gonna beat my own meat and flick my own dick against my will.
Aha. So, what's with the camera?
I may as well make some money off of it.
There are countless perverts who would pay money to watch that.
All right, fuck off. You're wasting my time.
Boner? That exorcist is your old man?
Yeah, okay.
I'm telling you. Why do you think I'm growing up so fast?
I'm not even a year old and I look like a grown-ass man.
I guess it makes sense.
They say, supposedly, for hybrid,
demon-human crossbreeds, time passes twenty times faster.
You see then, right?
Just don't tell anyone. 'Cause I'd be royally screwed in Hell.
Come on, Roman!
Turn in your buddy?
Never in my life!
And certainly not for free.
Krzychu, you fucking dick,
how could you totally rat me out like that?
I really thought we were buddies, my man!
We are! We are! I'm totally your buddy.
On the contrary.
But twenty bucks don't grow on trees.
Raus!
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Come in!
Hey, boss, I have some news.
Son of a bitch. All right, bad news first.
-I promise, it's nothing but good news. -Seriously?
Go on, then. What are you waiting for?
That asshole Boner has a son and we know where he is.
You don't say?
So, all that we need to do now is kidnap him and use him as bait.
What's the other news?
We've got him!
Yeah?
Shit's about to go down!
But this guy's a demon.
More accurately, half-demon, half-human.
Turns out that dickhead Boner scored with some demon woman.
Hmm. Okay, never mind. He's still his son.
Since the camera is set up, let's record a video to send to his dad.
Too bad I don't have a second tape.
But that self-abuse shit didn't work out anyway,
'cause I started enjoying myself midway through.
Let's get started.
All right. So it'll be two medium pizzas.
I'll have the "Porta-Potty Peasant," so the pepperoni.
For Domino, the "Baltic Peasant," which is the pineapple one,
and for my boss, a large meat lovers' "Peasant at the Cardiologist."
Yeah, yeah, extra.
Thank you. Goodbye.
This is fucking awesome!
Yo, Marcin, let's fire up the PS2!
Listen up. Here's the plan.
We're not gonna chow down on the pizza right away.
We'll wait till it gets really cold.
There's nothing like cold pizza when you're playing FIFA.
You're right, Domino.
-Except for one thing. -Yeah?
Pineapple on a pizza?
Please, it's like ordering herpes on a cock.
Herpes or no herpes, I wouldn't put that shit in my mouth.
This is the first and last time
you idiots convince me to order this kids' junk food.
I've only got one word for assholes.
Thick slices of fried Idaho potato, sweet onion, and spicy sausage.
That's what I call some real food!
So soon?
That's what you call express delivery, right?
What are you so happy about? Now we have to tip them.
Package for Mr. Bogdan… Bonher?
Pizza?
No, a package for the boss. Did you order something?
And why would I need to order anything
when we've got a 24-hour liquor store right across the street?
So what are you waiting for? Open it up.
It's a videotape.
Shit breath!
-Um, uh, hold on! -What now?
Oh, nothing, sorry. I thought I didn't press "record" again.
Okay. Okay, you can talk now.
Shit breath!
Exorcist Bulbous Butthead!
Man, have I got a surprise for you and your idiotic exorcism agency.
Recognize him?
That's right. It's your bastard son from Hell.
Now listen very carefully, 'cause I'm going to say this a third time.
The first time Remas didn't push record. Okay.
You're going to do exactly as I say or else, I…
Oops. Sorry, I meant to hit Remas.
Oh well. That little piece of shit is gonna fucking die anyway!
Okay. First things first.
A long time ago, I was expelled from Heaven
because of a teeny tiny misunderstanding.
It turned out great, because I became King of Hell.
But in a blind rage, I severed my wings and threw them away in the dumpster.
As you can easily see just by looking at my fantastic physique,
I'm doing fine.
But my weight seems to be slowly starting to hinder my movement,
so I could use a pair of wings size triple six.
And I've come up with a fucking brilliant idea.
You're going to bring me a full-fledged angel.
A real live one!
I will have his airfoils amputated and sewn onto my back.
In exchange, I'll spare your shit-boy's stupid life
and let you both go free.
But not for free. Whatever.
You'll be able to go free.
You've got till Friday, dumbass,
'cause I'm barbecuing weenies over the weekend.
Okay, bye. Turn it off.
Hang on.
Oh, this'll be fucking fantastic.
Marcinek, turn that garbage off, before it's too late!
Phew, Jesus Christ, that was a close one.
What are we gonna do?
I think that we should help him. After all, he is your son.
After all, you should shut the fuck up.
Okay, fine, I'll try to give him a chance.
If this coin lands on heads, I'll help him out.
And if it's tails, we'll let his mother worry about it.
Fu…
So here we are at the Authorized Deawaoo Service Station.
What are we doing here?
I thought the best place to find an angel would be a church.
Jesus, don't make me laugh, Marcinek.
A church? Really?
A church is as good as its priest, and you know how those guys are.
One out of three are bad. It's like roulette.
Real angels only appear to us
in truly wonderful and magnificent places like this one.
And of that, I am 100% certain. You hear me?
You're right!
There's one now.
That's a real angel?
I thought they would be prettier.
Beautiful… for an angel. Know what I mean?
Okay. You guys know what the fuck you're doing, right?
Yeah, I suppose we do.
As they say,
you can't choose who your mother and father will be,
but I never listen to all that fucking bullshit.
So I say you're just as guilty as your piece of shit father.
I have an idea. Why don't we have a little bit of fun
to pass the time while we're waiting for your old man to come through?
Remas, how much longer?
One second, boss. He's really got a crooked head.
There. It's ready.
Like Benny Hill in Men in Tights! This is so much fun.
Whoo!
You see that aim, Remas?
Got this idiot on my first try!
Uh-oh. I was actually aiming for the apple.
Is he okay?
Nah, he's just pretending.
Oh, freaking hell.
Oh Jesus, it's great to see such great service for such a low price.
But, well, you know what they say.
If you pay peanuts,
then your workers will be monkeys.
Help!
A demon!
Save me!
A demon?
Help me!
Be gone, unclean spirit!
Uh, excuse me, I'll have you know I bathe on Saturdays evenings.
Almost every single week.
Put your hands up, ass-face.
You're… an angel?
More accurately a guardian angel.
That's right, I work as a parking lot security guard.
You need parking security in Heaven?
They actually steal cars up there?
You have no idea!
And there we go.
All right. Now go ahead and move the arms up and down.
Not bad.
This plan could actually fool that moron Boner.
-Hey, boss, that beast is here. -What? It's my wife?
No, it's Boner.
-Aha. With the angel? -Yeah.
So why are you just standing there like morning wood?
Bring him here!
Oh boy, I'm getting wings again!
This will be great, Remas!
We patted him down. No weapons on him.
Well, Bogdan Boner, you son of a bitch!
Here we are, one big happy family.
This time you're in luck,
because you did what I asked and brought me my very own angel.
I sure hope that you will honor our agreement
and give me back my son.
Don't worry your pretty little head.
My word is worth a lot more than money.
Just like bitcoin, you know?
Hang on.
Now hold up.
Geez, I think it looks like he's…
absolutely shit-faced.
Uh… Yeah, yeah, that's it. He's wasted.
Yeah, that's my little boy.
All right, kid. Let's get the hell out of here already.
Wait a damn second.
If I'm not mistaken, he doesn't appear to be breathing.
You fucking killed him!
Zenek, buddy, let's do it your way.
Plan B!
Aw, god dammit, they were in cahoots all along!
Remas, why didn't you pat down the angel
Open fire!
Be extremely careful!
Don't blow any holes in my future wings!
Zenek, I'm not armed!
Give me one of your guns, god dammit!
Can't do that.
I don't have that many!
I have a bazooka, if you want,
but I'm not sure.
You're just telling me this now?
Give it!
If you really think you can defeat the jack of all evil,
with some silly man-made bazooka…
…then you might actually be right.
But I won't give up, Boner.
My King, please, it's not safe here!
Quickly, to the bunker!
The Guards of Darkness will be sure to take care of them!
I'm totally out of ammunition!
We are so fucked.
Get out of here.
I'll take care of them.
Yo, Zenek, you're gonna fucking die, man!
Don't worry, Boner.
Angels have a dozen lives and I'm only on my twelfth one.
"Poland, my friends, is not yet lost."
We will cross paths again.
Damn you, Exorcist.
THE END