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NETFLIX 影集

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我要馬鈴薯！

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劇名：吸血鬼

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馬鈴薯！

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媽，動作快

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我在裝盤了，你離門遠一點

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別惹到他

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馬鈴薯…

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給我馬鈴薯！

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-媽
-我來了

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開門

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（馬的鈴薯）

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塔茲烏，我做了蒔蘿蒸洋芋

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洋芋聽起來像種芋頭！

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我是指蒔蘿蒸馬鈴薯

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蒔蘿很噁心！

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我不喜歡蒔蘿

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但我煮得很認真，現在該怎麼處理？

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把它倒掉！

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-給你
-快拿來！

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我還要！

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我全部都裝給你了，沒有了

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妳偷吃！

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我只有嚐了一下鹹淡而已

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塔茲烏，不要！

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我想吃馬鈴薯餃子

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什麼時候會煮好？

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-石頭！
-剪刀！

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可惡…好吧

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一、二、三

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-石頭！
-剪刀！

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可惡，怎麼回事？

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好，再來一次

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-一、二、三，剪刀！
-石頭！

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受不了

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-玩夠了嗎？
-沒有

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達米樂絕不輕言放棄

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只有貧窮會讓他哭泣

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-一、二、三，剪刀！
-石頭！

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你作弊！

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是你自願輸的！

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誰叫你只會出剪刀

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如果每次都選同樣號碼

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總有一天會成樂透贏家

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猜拳也一樣

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一、二、三，剪刀！

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石頭

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居然在偷懶？我付薪水給你們幹嘛？

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我原本就沒什麼用處

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講到這個，老大我的薪水…

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怎麼，你們在猜拳嗎？
我也要玩，一、二…

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居然有客人！

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達米樂，快躲去廁所

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你臉上的角會嚇到客人

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可惡，我就知道老大上完大號

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就會有客人上門

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-早安，我可以進去嗎？
-你應該進來

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整修還是除魔？

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我想應該是後者

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老是賺不到錢

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算了，你坐下吧
告訴我發生了什麼事

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好，警察們說只是意外

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因為他們不相信鬼神

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拜託，給我200元，你說什麼我都信

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除非你需要發票，那樣費用會高一點

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不，我不需要發票

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從頭說起

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我父親並不總是那樣

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幾年前

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他的言行舉止都還符合年紀

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好，你們在這裡等我

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（棄嬰保護艙）

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他是個普通的爸爸

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我父親一直都很喜歡馬鈴薯

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那個…

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馬鈴薯的任何製品

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壓成泥、切塊、切片、切條

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做成馬鈴薯餃子、做成餅

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小子，講短一點，我聽到都餓了

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好，重點是

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最初我們都沒留意

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-謝謝
-什麼“謝謝”？

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你才咬了一口，就說“謝謝”

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你是不是又偷吃垃圾食物了？

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我只是飽了

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況且，烤肉不是垃圾食物

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把肉吃完，你可以留下馬鈴薯

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泰瑞莎，不准妳那樣說！

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誰都不准把馬鈴薯丟掉

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那個孬種不吃的話，就給我吃

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媽，我也吃飽了

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隨著時間流逝

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我父親對馬鈴薯的迷戀開始惡化

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每一餐都必須吃到

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早餐、午餐、晚餐，甚至是點心

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他都要求吃馬鈴薯

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更糟的是

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我父親開始改變

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他胖了很多

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皮膚也變黑

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八月底他被開除

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因為他在公司餐廳把主管撲倒在地

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只因為對方的馬鈴薯餃子比他多

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從那之後，他所有空閒時間

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大概一天30小時

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全都坐在電視機前面

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不斷吃著越來越多的馬鈴薯

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我們都很怕他

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我們真的好害怕

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那老頭源源不絕的要求馬鈴薯

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然後無止盡的吞食

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有一次我回家後發現

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我弟弟倒臥在他的專屬沙發椅旁

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他死了

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那個混帳只是安靜地坐在椅子上

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看益智節目

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皮奧特先生，請問哪一部電影

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是網路票選中，世界上最爛的電影？

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《愛在波蘭戰火時》

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差不多

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警方說我弟弟被馬鈴薯噎到

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判定是場不幸的意外

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過了幾個月

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隨著時間流逝

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我開始接受這樣的父親，直到昨天…

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他又動手了

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這次他殺了我母親

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我告訴警察，那老頭被附身了

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他笑我迷信，然後在報告中再次寫下

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“不幸的意外”

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我想驅魔師就是最後一線希望

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原本打算找神父，但我沒有錢

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來這裡是正確的選擇，年輕人

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但我要警告你

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如果你老爸已經變成我猜測中的東西

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我們都慘了

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我們到了

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就在這棟房子裡

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馬辛帶上衛生紙，以防你被嚇過頭

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小子，你負責帶路去你家

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你們的道具真的只有衛生紙嗎？

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你對200元有什麼期待？

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不過，如果我猜得沒錯

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可能連衛生紙都幫不上忙

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跟我來，你先走吧

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-老大，你不覺得事有蹊翹嗎？
-哪裡？

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如果你把黃金放在別人手上

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不會發生什麼事

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但如果你拿走別人手中的黃金

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那可會發生大事

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就是這間

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你幹嘛像雕像一樣杵在這裡？

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又不是木頭人，快進去

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不

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我不要進去

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他已經不是我父親了

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他已經不是人類了

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膽小鬼

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所以他要我們幹嘛？

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這裡看起來很正常

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就像傳統波蘭家庭開完派對的樣子

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他應該見識一下

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我18歲生日後家裡變怎樣

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我覺得這案子會很簡單

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馬辛安靜點

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公寓整潔可不代表驅魔會容易

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你好，主人先生！

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客人來了！

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我們去看看房間

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他在睡覺

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也許他死了

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也許他像蟾蜍一樣在偷瞄

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小心點，馬辛別太靠近

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天啊，你有見過這種東西嗎？

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我有

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上次烤肉便當大特價的隔天

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只不過我沒有發芽

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好神奇，他根本沒在呼吸

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我聞到薯條！

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給我薯條，否則我會殺了你

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我沒辦法現在給你

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這傢伙！

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馬辛，撤退！

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狀況比我想像中還糟

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-怎麼說？
-其實還可以

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只是我以為會很簡單

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不幸的是，我也沒有好消息

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你父親變成了

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“須血鬼”

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他怎麼會是吸血鬼？

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不是吸血鬼，而是“須血鬼”

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比普通吸血鬼危險很多

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因為比起血

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他更渴望馬鈴薯澱粉

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而且願意不惜手段去獲得

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最糟糕的是，他幾乎是不死之身

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開槍只會逗笑他，而且

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他的樂趣是殺人

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因此，我們千萬不能隨意報警

200
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因為他會殺了他們

201
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想打敗他，只能餵他更多馬鈴薯

202
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老大，你瘋了嗎？

203
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相信我，馬辛

204
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這是唯一的方法

205
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-如何？
-他在吃

206
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吃得像豬一樣

207
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不過這不意外

208
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畢竟我們準備了給豬吃的蒸洋芋

209
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好幾十公斤的量

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希望夠他吃一陣子

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可惡，白癡達米樂去哪了？

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如果他失敗，我們會浪費兩鍋馬鈴薯

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誰是達米樂？

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喂？

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什麼？等等，你慢慢說

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為什麼？

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-再見
-如果你要告訴我他不來

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你最好直接閉嘴

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-所以呢？
-你叫我閉嘴的

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-可惡
-他沒辦法上來

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不過他在大樓門外

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他被警方逮捕了

223
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那個蠢蛋又不變裝，直接跑進城了

224
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難怪他們會逮捕他

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奇怪的身分證

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馬呂斯你見過嗎？一定是新版

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00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,376
-或是超舊版
-天啊，是惡魔

228
00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:19,043
警官們，請等一下，先聽我解釋

229
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,168
別干擾我們值勤，他在寫報告

230
00:09:21,251 --> 00:09:23,543
我們只有一本罰單，他不能寫錯字

231
00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:25,293
-但我只是…
-等一下！

232
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,709
聞起來好香

233
00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:31,793
那才是我認知裡的晚餐

234
00:09:31,876 --> 00:09:34,876
而不是那些年輕人吃的噁心披薩

235
00:09:39,918 --> 00:09:41,126
是從這裡飄出來的

236
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:44,043
我要敲門，告訴他們我想借點糖

237
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,543
也許他們會邀請我用餐

238
00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:49,459
開始了

239
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:51,959
放開達米樂，不然我們都死定了！

240
00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:53,001
我寫錯了

241
00:09:53,084 --> 00:09:55,126
都怪他一直在我耳邊狂吠

242
00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:57,126
看你做了什麼好事！身分證給我

243
00:09:57,209 --> 00:09:58,043
不，等等，

244
00:09:58,126 --> 00:09:59,376
我們單子是不是用完了？

245
00:09:59,459 --> 00:10:01,126
馬鈴薯！

246
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:04,543
那位先生，小聲點！已經超過十點了

247
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:08,626
可惡，雙手舉起來
褲子脫下來，現金交出來

248
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,584
糟糕，我老是跟兒時的口號搞混

249
00:10:10,668 --> 00:10:11,876
快把手舉起來！

250
00:10:14,293 --> 00:10:16,959
馬鈴薯！

251
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:18,626
他正朝市中心前進！

252
00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,293
我不管了！

253
00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:23,084
你！別跑，不然我要開槍了！

254
00:10:23,168 --> 00:10:25,543
而且我技術很爛，我們都會死！

255
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,334
也許那邊會賣湯

256
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,459
我想喝馬鈴薯湯！

257
00:10:29,543 --> 00:10:32,959
我送你一袋馬鈴薯甲蟲如何？

258
00:10:36,543 --> 00:10:38,543
不，爸爸！

259
00:10:38,626 --> 00:10:40,709
不對，等等，這樣很好

260
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:43,543
他已經不是我老爸了

261
00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:49,793
好耶，成功了

262
00:10:50,501 --> 00:10:52,001
現在誰才是大爺？

263
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:53,709
絕對不是你，你被逮捕了！

264
00:10:53,793 --> 00:10:54,668
呃，這個嘛…

265
00:10:54,751 --> 00:10:56,126
警官們，請放開他

266
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:57,418
他雖然是惡魔

267
00:10:57,501 --> 00:10:59,543
但不會傷人，他已經被馴服了

268
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,459
什麼惡魔？

269
00:11:00,543 --> 00:11:02,793
我們是都市人，才不相信牛鬼蛇神

270
00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:04,543
他騎著腳踏車闖紅燈

271
00:11:04,626 --> 00:11:07,251
付錢了事，繳完罰金200元就放你走

272
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,834
或者我們可以開單，但要更多罰金

273
00:11:09,918 --> 00:11:10,793
對你來說不划算

274
00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:13,459
（結束）

275
00:11:13,543 --> 00:11:15,501
不到300元就能驅魔

276
00:11:15,584 --> 00:11:18,793
其實只要200元，開發票才會多收錢

277
00:11:18,876 --> 00:11:21,501
小心點，惡魔統領，他將來踹你屁股

278
00:11:21,584 --> 00:11:24,959
小心點，巴特西法，下個目標就是你

279
00:11:29,459 --> 00:11:32,876
字幕翻譯：樓艾苓