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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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Fetch!
3
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Nergal! Fetch!
4
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Come on, bring the toy!
5
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Whatever. I'll go but for the last time.
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Watch and learn.
7
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This is how it's done.
8
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Oh yeah, the judging. What did he do?
9
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-He was drinking beer.
-What?
10
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But I've implemented prohibition.
11
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Prohibition of consumption in all of hell.
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This is hell, not the holidays.
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Well, but I guess
it's for people, not for us.
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And he's talking back. Nergal, get him!
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Not that one!
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I have to do everything myself.
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That's what I meant.
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Pietro, take him for a walk
'cause he's been acting giddy.
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-He'll bite me.
-He won't if you take the treats.
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PET CEMETERY
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He got himself a dog,
but he doesn't want to go out with it.
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All right, go play, you stupid mutt.
Just don't get lost again.
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Now!
24
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Holy shit.
25
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I don't know. To butcher a dog like that?
26
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It had as much to do with a dog
as Domino had with high school finals.
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-With what?
-Mr. Zdzisiu, it's done.
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-Is he dead?
-The cemetery is clear. Two hundred zloty.
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MAIL
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There's that Boner again!
31
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Just not against the floor!
And the screen is cracked.
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Oh, it's fine.
33
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Fine?
34
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I'm gonna do the same thing
with that would-be exorcist.
35
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Twenty!
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No. Twenty is a bit too much. Ten.
37
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Ten grand reward for anyone
who captures this son of a bitch.
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Good, huh?
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If Your Motherfuckerness says so.
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Place an ad on Teletext.
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Send out spam to private emails.
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Print flyers!
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Raise parking fees
and introduce new zones!
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Even on private properties.
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I have to raise ten grand somehow.
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EXORCIST OFFICE/BONER CONSTRUCTION
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Frozen tripe melted in a pot
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And heated to a lukewarm temperature
49
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Bust a gut.
50
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I mean, it's finger-licking good.
51
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What separates a real man from a boy?
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The fact that he'll eat this.
53
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What a nice smell.
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Okay, I can't wait for it to fully melt.
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Shi…
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Who's so fucked-up to knock at 9 p.m.?
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What's the matter? Hello? Is anybody here?
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That's weird.
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WEL OME
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Hands up, Buttorcist Shitoner!
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Don't even think about it.
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Moron. I wasn't thinking about the rifle.
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You've made a mistake.
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I'm already scared.
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Lukewarm.
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Oh boy!
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He's dead.
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Thanks, Domino. How do you know that?
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That's easy. Thinkters have leaked.
70
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You mean sphincters.
71
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No, we devils don't have sphincters.
Defecation occurs spontaneously.
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Thinkters, on the other hand,
are used for--
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Spare the details. What do we do with him?
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The same thing
we did with the previous four.
75
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Damn!
76
00:04:56,043 --> 00:04:58,543
Wow. Five assassins.
77
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You must've gotten
into someone's black book.
78
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All right, throw the corpse by the fence.
Let it decay.
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I'm going to go finish my dinner.
80
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Tripe!
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Okay, Marcinek, grab his feet.
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Domino, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
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WANTED DEAD OR KILLED
REWARD 10,000 ZLOTY
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ATTENTION! UNDEVILING
DO NOT ENTER!
85
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DELICIOUS VODKA
GARWOLIN
86
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Shi… What devil
made me come up with this trap?
87
00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:44,709
Couldn't we have put
something else in there, like a coin?
88
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Don't worry, boss. It'll be a simple job.
89
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We banish the demons in no time.
It's no longer scary. The client is happy.
90
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Yep, I don't know any devil
who wouldn't be tempted by such bait.
91
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I'm gonna regret this.
92
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I think they're here.
93
00:06:10,251 --> 00:06:12,043
Tycjan, I'm sorry.
94
00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:15,876
How was I supposed to know
Sylwia was your girlfriend?
95
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I came with her,
so who else's, for fuck, would she be?
96
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Well, if she's for fuck, then nobody's.
97
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Four months!
98
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I've been trying for four months,
paying for dates, dinners, movies…
99
00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,876
So she'd at least take it in her hand.
100
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:35,418
And he takes her to the toilet
after 15 minutes of knowing her.
101
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Usually, they go right away.
Be glad she's so decent.
102
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So, we're cool?
103
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Here's a seduction secret.
The most important thing is the talk.
104
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You walk up to one and say…
105
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-Is that what you told her?
-Yeah.
106
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I meant a hypothetical boyfriend.
107
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Not you.
108
00:07:03,459 --> 00:07:06,168
Tycjan! Come on, Tycjan. Bro, I'm sorry!
109
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Just like brother to brother.
110
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-I'm sorry.
-You know where you can put it?
111
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In Sylwia's place, where you put--
112
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Oh shit, Borys, pinch me.
113
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-I must be dreaming.
-What?
114
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-It's all mine, and I'm no longer angry.
-Be angry. We're sharing it.
115
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Told you.
116
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Now!
117
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Give me the bottle,
or I'll treat you with lead.
118
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Are you sure? We have a hostage.
119
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Put the gun down, or it dies.
120
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Take it easy. Don't do anything foolish.
121
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Domino, open the cage.
122
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-But…
-Open it.
123
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Phew! Did you see that?
124
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Now!
125
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We've got him.
126
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What are you doing?
Open up, or I'll punch you.
127
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Forgive us, but one punch is not enough.
128
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We have 10,000 reasons not to open it.
129
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You deceitful Judases.
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…4,290,
131
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4,300, 4,310,
132
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4,320.
133
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-That's not all.
-Marcin, don't be picky.
134
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This is the kind of money
you've never seen in your life.
135
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All right, let's say it's okay.
136
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In that case, goodbye.
137
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The guard will escort you
to the gates of hell.
138
00:08:44,959 --> 00:08:49,209
Exorcist Condoner, now we'll get even.
139
00:08:49,293 --> 00:08:53,751
You probably want to die quickly, but no.
140
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I won't give you the pleasure.
141
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First,
142
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25 years in a penal colony.
And then, an execution.
143
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,668
Debt collection execution!
144
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PRISON SERVICE
145
00:09:07,959 --> 00:09:10,043
Not the penal colony!
146
00:09:10,126 --> 00:09:12,251
That's the worst place in hell.
147
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:14,793
It'd be better to end up in the cauldron.
148
00:09:16,126 --> 00:09:20,918
Czesiek, stop whining like a woman.
You're a guard, not a prisoner.
149
00:09:21,001 --> 00:09:24,918
Well, maybe you're right, Filip.
But I feel so sorry for them that…
150
00:09:25,459 --> 00:09:27,126
Sorry? Fucking hell.
151
00:09:27,209 --> 00:09:30,793
You didn't feel sorry for me
when you put a firecracker into my cig.
152
00:09:30,876 --> 00:09:32,751
Krzys, I apologized.
153
00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:35,293
Besides, you said that it was quite funny.
154
00:09:35,376 --> 00:09:37,043
-By the way, Krzysiek.
-Yeah?
155
00:09:37,126 --> 00:09:39,626
Why are you driving if you're blind?
156
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,459
Relax, I know this road by heart.
157
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:44,543
Yeah, I see.
158
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,626
Don't panic. He always hits
this fucking rock at this point.
159
00:09:47,709 --> 00:09:48,876
Told you.
160
00:09:49,834 --> 00:09:52,626
Don't move, or I'll shoot you with my AK!
161
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Victory!
162
00:10:03,043 --> 00:10:06,126
Now, on our way to the penal colony.
163
00:10:06,668 --> 00:10:07,876
Where's the starter?
164
00:10:23,334 --> 00:10:25,876
Phew, luckily the parachute worked.
165
00:10:28,626 --> 00:10:30,543
Victory!
166
00:10:31,709 --> 00:10:34,626
-And that's called the perfect plan!
-Yeah!
167
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:39,334
Even Belzedup didn't realize
that we had it all staged.
168
00:10:39,418 --> 00:10:43,168
It was all staged?
So, we didn't turn the boss in?
169
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:46,459
Domino, if it wasn't for the fact
that I'm in such a good mood,
170
00:10:46,543 --> 00:10:47,376
I'd fuck you up.
171
00:10:47,459 --> 00:10:51,334
If you're in such a good mood,
why don't we share this reward?
172
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,501
Four thousand divided by three.
That's over a grand.
173
00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:57,459
Yeah, exactly 1,330 and some change.
174
00:10:57,543 --> 00:10:58,459
He went nuts.
175
00:10:58,543 --> 00:11:00,668
Maybe at least the overdue salaries.
176
00:11:00,751 --> 00:11:02,793
Two months, 1,500 zloty each.
177
00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:04,126
All right, Marcinek.
178
00:11:04,209 --> 00:11:09,043
Here's 1,300, and let's call it even.
179
00:11:10,126 --> 00:11:11,001
Thank you.
180
00:11:11,084 --> 00:11:13,376
Boss, will you pay
my overdue salaries too?
181
00:11:13,459 --> 00:11:16,584
I've been working for a year now,
which is 12 months.
182
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:18,876
Twelve, you say?
183
00:11:18,959 --> 00:11:21,584
Let it be my loss and round it down.
184
00:11:21,668 --> 00:11:25,959
Ten times zero is…
185
00:11:26,459 --> 00:11:27,793
Unfortunately, Domino…
186
00:11:28,376 --> 00:11:29,293
That's good.
187
00:11:29,376 --> 00:11:31,293
Money can't buy happiness.
188
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THE END
189
00:11:32,293 --> 00:11:34,209
Exorcist for less than 300
190
00:11:34,293 --> 00:11:37,543
Actually, it's 200
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
191
00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:40,293
Watch it, Belzedup
You're gonna get your ass kicked
192
00:11:40,376 --> 00:11:43,793
Watch it, Dupcyper
He's aiming at you
193
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,043
Subtitle translation by:
Agnieszka Czarnecka