A NETFLIX SERIES
Fetch!
Nergal! Fetch!
Come on, bring the toy!
Whatever. I'll go but for the last time.
Watch and learn.
This is how it's done.
Oh yeah, the judging. What did he do?
-He was drinking beer. -What?
But I've implemented prohibition.
Prohibition of consumption in all of hell.
This is hell, not the holidays.
Well, but I guess it's for people, not for us.
And he's talking back. Nergal, get him!
Not that one!
I have to do everything myself.
That's what I meant.
Pietro, take him for a walk 'cause he's been acting giddy.
-He'll bite me. -He won't if you take the treats.
PET CEMETERY
He got himself a dog, but he doesn't want to go out with it.
All right, go play, you stupid mutt. Just don't get lost again.
Now!
Holy shit.
I don't know. To butcher a dog like that?
It had as much to do with a dog as Domino had with high school finals.
-With what? -Mr. Zdzisiu, it's done.
-Is he dead? -The cemetery is clear. Two hundred zloty.
MAIL
There's that Boner again!
Just not against the floor! And the screen is cracked.
Oh, it's fine.
Fine?
I'm gonna do the same thing with that would-be exorcist.
Twenty!
No. Twenty is a bit too much. Ten.
Ten grand reward for anyone who captures this son of a bitch.
Good, huh?
If Your Motherfuckerness says so.
Place an ad on Teletext.
Send out spam to private emails.
Print flyers!
Raise parking fees and introduce new zones!
Even on private properties.
I have to raise ten grand somehow.
EXORCIST OFFICE/BONER CONSTRUCTION
Frozen tripe melted in a pot
And heated to a lukewarm temperature
Bust a gut.
I mean, it's finger-licking good.
What separates a real man from a boy?
The fact that he'll eat this.
What a nice smell.
Okay, I can't wait for it to fully melt.
Shi…
Who's so fucked-up to knock at 9 p.m.?
What's the matter? Hello? Is anybody here?
That's weird.
WEL OME
Hands up, Buttorcist Shitoner!
Don't even think about it.
Moron. I wasn't thinking about the rifle.
You've made a mistake.
I'm already scared.
Lukewarm.
Oh boy!
He's dead.
Thanks, Domino. How do you know that?
That's easy. Thinkters have leaked.
You mean sphincters.
No, we devils don't have sphincters. Defecation occurs spontaneously.
Thinkters, on the other hand, are used for--
Spare the details. What do we do with him?
The same thing we did with the previous four.
Damn!
Wow. Five assassins.
You must've gotten into someone's black book.
All right, throw the corpse by the fence. Let it decay.
I'm going to go finish my dinner.
Tripe!
Okay, Marcinek, grab his feet.
Domino, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
WANTED DEAD OR KILLED REWARD 10,000 ZLOTY
ATTENTION! UNDEVILING DO NOT ENTER!
DELICIOUS VODKA GARWOLIN
Shi… What devil made me come up with this trap?
Couldn't we have put something else in there, like a coin?
Don't worry, boss. It'll be a simple job.
We banish the demons in no time. It's no longer scary. The client is happy.
Yep, I don't know any devil who wouldn't be tempted by such bait.
I'm gonna regret this.
I think they're here.
Tycjan, I'm sorry.
How was I supposed to know Sylwia was your girlfriend?
I came with her, so who else's, for fuck, would she be?
Well, if she's for fuck, then nobody's.
Four months!
I've been trying for four months, paying for dates, dinners, movies…
So she'd at least take it in her hand.
And he takes her to the toilet after 15 minutes of knowing her.
Usually, they go right away. Be glad she's so decent.
So, we're cool?
Here's a seduction secret. The most important thing is the talk.
You walk up to one and say…
-Is that what you told her? -Yeah.
I meant a hypothetical boyfriend.
Not you.
Tycjan! Come on, Tycjan. Bro, I'm sorry!
Just like brother to brother.
-I'm sorry. -You know where you can put it?
In Sylwia's place, where you put--
Oh shit, Borys, pinch me.
-I must be dreaming. -What?
-It's all mine, and I'm no longer angry. -Be angry. We're sharing it.
Told you.
Now!
Give me the bottle, or I'll treat you with lead.
Are you sure? We have a hostage.
Put the gun down, or it dies.
Take it easy. Don't do anything foolish.
Domino, open the cage.
-But… -Open it.
Phew! Did you see that?
Now!
We've got him.
What are you doing? Open up, or I'll punch you.
Forgive us, but one punch is not enough.
We have 10,000 reasons not to open it.
You deceitful Judases.
…4,290,
4,300, 4,310,
4,320.
-That's not all. -Marcin, don't be picky.
This is the kind of money you've never seen in your life.
All right, let's say it's okay.
In that case, goodbye.
The guard will escort you to the gates of hell.
Exorcist Condoner, now we'll get even.
You probably want to die quickly, but no.
I won't give you the pleasure.
First,
25 years in a penal colony. And then, an execution.
Debt collection execution!
PRISON SERVICE
Not the penal colony!
That's the worst place in hell.
It'd be better to end up in the cauldron.
Czesiek, stop whining like a woman. You're a guard, not a prisoner.
Well, maybe you're right, Filip. But I feel so sorry for them that…
Sorry? Fucking hell.
You didn't feel sorry for me when you put a firecracker into my cig.
Krzys, I apologized.
Besides, you said that it was quite funny.
-By the way, Krzysiek. -Yeah?
Why are you driving if you're blind?
Relax, I know this road by heart.
Yeah, I see.
Don't panic. He always hits this fucking rock at this point.
Told you.
Don't move, or I'll shoot you with my AK!
Victory!
Now, on our way to the penal colony.
Where's the starter?
Phew, luckily the parachute worked.
Victory!
-And that's called the perfect plan! -Yeah!
Even Belzedup didn't realize that we had it all staged.
It was all staged? So, we didn't turn the boss in?
Domino, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm in such a good mood,
I'd fuck you up.
If you're in such a good mood, why don't we share this reward?
Four thousand divided by three. That's over a grand.
Yeah, exactly 1,330 and some change.
He went nuts.
Maybe at least the overdue salaries.
Two months, 1,500 zloty each.
All right, Marcinek.
Here's 1,300, and let's call it even.
Thank you.
Boss, will you pay my overdue salaries too?
I've been working for a year now, which is 12 months.
Twelve, you say?
Let it be my loss and round it down.
Ten times zero is…
Unfortunately, Domino…
That's good.
Money can't buy happiness.
THE END
Exorcist for less than 300
Actually, it's 200 If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
Watch it, Belzedup You're gonna get your ass kicked
Watch it, Dupcyper He's aiming at you
Subtitle translation by: Agnieszka Czarnecka