1 00:00:06,459 --> 00:00:12,376 A NETFLIX SERIES 2 00:00:12,459 --> 00:00:14,459 [theme music playing] 3 00:00:15,876 --> 00:00:18,001 [Beelzebutt whistling] Go fetch! 4 00:00:18,709 --> 00:00:19,584 WANTED DEAD OR KILLED 5 00:00:19,668 --> 00:00:21,918 Nergal! Go fetch! 6 00:00:22,626 --> 00:00:24,793 No? Come on, bring the toy! 7 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,834 [sighs] Whatever. I'll go fetch, but it's the last time. 8 00:00:27,918 --> 00:00:30,168 Watch and learn. [panting] 9 00:00:32,918 --> 00:00:33,793 [spits, chuckles] 10 00:00:33,876 --> 00:00:36,376 -And that's how it's done. -[clears throat] 11 00:00:36,459 --> 00:00:38,709 Right. Sentencing. And what did he do? 12 00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:41,126 -He was drinking beer. -He did fucking what? 13 00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:43,709 But I have implemented the prohibition! 14 00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:47,168 A complete ban of alcohol consumption in all of the netherworld! 15 00:00:47,251 --> 00:00:49,043 After all, this is Hell, not a holiday. 16 00:00:49,126 --> 00:00:51,376 It's Hell for humans, not us demons. 17 00:00:51,459 --> 00:00:53,543 And now he's talking back. Nergal, attack him! 18 00:00:53,626 --> 00:00:55,959 -[barking] -[groans] 19 00:00:56,043 --> 00:00:57,668 No, not that one! 20 00:01:00,959 --> 00:01:02,459 -[Nergal spits] -[sighs] 21 00:01:02,543 --> 00:01:04,959 I gotta do everything myself. [roars] 22 00:01:05,043 --> 00:01:07,043 [growling] 23 00:01:08,043 --> 00:01:09,626 See? That's what I meant. 24 00:01:09,709 --> 00:01:10,876 [barking] 25 00:01:11,501 --> 00:01:13,126 -[Nergal growling] -[demon screaming] 26 00:01:13,209 --> 00:01:15,459 [sighs] Okay, Pietro, take him out for a walk, 27 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,876 because he is getting too frisky. 28 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:19,709 -He will bite me again. -He won't if you take some treats. 29 00:01:19,793 --> 00:01:21,709 PET CEMETERY 30 00:01:21,793 --> 00:01:23,459 [loud thud] 31 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:27,293 He got himself a dog, but when it's time to walk him, he can't be bothered. 32 00:01:27,376 --> 00:01:30,209 All right, go play, you stupid mutt. Just do not get lost again! 33 00:01:31,709 --> 00:01:32,751 [humming] 34 00:01:32,834 --> 00:01:34,126 [gulping] 35 00:01:34,668 --> 00:01:35,626 [exhales] 36 00:01:35,709 --> 00:01:36,668 [urinating] 37 00:01:38,584 --> 00:01:40,376 [dramatic music plays] 38 00:01:41,626 --> 00:01:43,293 [snorting] 39 00:01:44,793 --> 00:01:46,959 [dramatic music plays] 40 00:01:47,543 --> 00:01:49,126 [snorting] 41 00:01:53,543 --> 00:01:54,543 [snorting] 42 00:01:58,043 --> 00:01:58,959 [squealing] 43 00:01:59,043 --> 00:02:03,126 Okay. Now! 44 00:02:03,209 --> 00:02:04,084 [Nergal squealing] 45 00:02:04,168 --> 00:02:05,251 -[thud] -[squealing stops] 46 00:02:07,543 --> 00:02:09,043 Holy fucking shit. Not good. 47 00:02:09,126 --> 00:02:11,918 I don't know. Just butchering a dog like that is kinda messed up? 48 00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:15,168 It had as much to do with a dog as Domino has to do with high school diplomas. 49 00:02:15,251 --> 00:02:17,459 -What? -Mr. Zdzisiu, all done here. 50 00:02:18,043 --> 00:02:19,793 -Dead? -The cemetery is clear. 51 00:02:19,876 --> 00:02:21,126 And you owe me 200 zloty. 52 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,209 [clicking] 53 00:02:25,793 --> 00:02:26,918 MAIL 54 00:02:27,001 --> 00:02:29,543 [Beelzebutt roaring] It's that Boner again! 55 00:02:29,626 --> 00:02:31,709 -[Pietro] Just not against the floor! -[phone clatters] 56 00:02:31,793 --> 00:02:32,959 And the screen is cracked. 57 00:02:33,043 --> 00:02:34,543 Oh, no, it's fine. [chuckles] 58 00:02:34,626 --> 00:02:35,459 Ah, it's fine? 59 00:02:37,459 --> 00:02:39,918 I'm gonna do the same thing I just did to this phone 60 00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:41,793 to that piece of shit deadbeat exorcist. 61 00:02:41,876 --> 00:02:43,209 Twenty thousand! 62 00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:45,084 Nah, twenty thousand is a bit too much. 63 00:02:45,168 --> 00:02:46,043 Ten thousand. 64 00:02:46,126 --> 00:02:47,626 Ten thousand zloty reward 65 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:51,209 for anyone who can capture that son of a bitch and bring him to me alive. 66 00:02:51,293 --> 00:02:52,126 Good one, right? 67 00:02:52,209 --> 00:02:54,293 Absolutely. If you say so, Your Lord Motherfuckedness. 68 00:02:54,376 --> 00:02:56,459 I need you to set up an ad on Teletext! 69 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,126 Also send out a bunch of spam to private emails! 70 00:02:59,209 --> 00:03:00,959 And print way too many flyers! 71 00:03:01,043 --> 00:03:03,376 Oh yeah. Raise parking fees throughout Hell, 72 00:03:03,459 --> 00:03:05,876 and introduce new loading and construction zones! 73 00:03:05,959 --> 00:03:08,793 We're even going to raise it on those with private properties. 74 00:03:08,876 --> 00:03:10,793 I have to raise that money somehow. 75 00:03:10,876 --> 00:03:12,543 EXORCIST OFFICE / BONER CONSTRUCTION 76 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:13,459 LAWN MOWING CHEAP! 77 00:03:13,543 --> 00:03:15,084 [Boner humming] 78 00:03:15,168 --> 00:03:17,709 ♪ Frozen tripe stew melted in a pot ♪ 79 00:03:17,793 --> 00:03:20,834 ♪ And heated To a nice lukewarm temperature, yeah ♪ 80 00:03:20,918 --> 00:03:23,043 Mmm… Bust my damn gut. 81 00:03:23,126 --> 00:03:25,126 But this is fucking finger-licking good. 82 00:03:25,209 --> 00:03:28,209 And what separates a real man from a boy, you may ask me? 83 00:03:28,293 --> 00:03:30,584 This. The fact that he'll eat this. 84 00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,626 Mmm, smells delicious. 85 00:03:32,709 --> 00:03:35,668 Okay, that's it. I can't wait for this tripe to fully melt. 86 00:03:35,751 --> 00:03:37,543 -[knocking on door] -Shi… 87 00:03:37,626 --> 00:03:38,626 Who is so fucking stupid 88 00:03:38,709 --> 00:03:41,626 that they decided to knock on my door at nine o'clock at night? 89 00:03:42,709 --> 00:03:43,668 [door slams] 90 00:03:45,043 --> 00:03:46,334 Now what's going on? 91 00:03:46,418 --> 00:03:48,293 Hello? Is anybody out here? 92 00:03:49,209 --> 00:03:50,334 Fucking weird. 93 00:03:51,126 --> 00:03:52,126 WEL OME 94 00:03:53,584 --> 00:03:54,751 [dramatic music plays] 95 00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,834 [cackling] 96 00:03:59,709 --> 00:04:03,543 [gasps] Put your damn hands up, Flacid-dick Boner! 97 00:04:05,543 --> 00:04:06,709 [gun fires] 98 00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:09,543 Don't you even think about going for your shotgun. 99 00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:12,876 You moron. I wasn't even thinking about going for my shotgun. 100 00:04:13,334 --> 00:04:14,334 [gun fires] 101 00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:18,043 [chuckling] Oh, you have made a very big mistake, you asshole demon. 102 00:04:18,126 --> 00:04:20,084 'Cause I'm already so scared of you. 103 00:04:20,626 --> 00:04:22,334 [slurping] Ah, it's lukewarm. 104 00:04:22,418 --> 00:04:24,668 [blows] 105 00:04:24,751 --> 00:04:25,709 [gulps] 106 00:04:25,793 --> 00:04:27,459 Oh mommy! [vomits] 107 00:04:27,543 --> 00:04:29,209 -[grunts] -[demon grunting] 108 00:04:34,001 --> 00:04:34,834 You killed him. 109 00:04:34,918 --> 00:04:37,376 [scoffs] Thank you, Domino. How could you tell, Captain Obvious? 110 00:04:37,459 --> 00:04:39,209 That's easy. His anal ooze channel is leaking. 111 00:04:39,293 --> 00:04:40,543 Don't you mean sphincters? 112 00:04:40,626 --> 00:04:43,293 No way. We demons do not have sphincters. 113 00:04:43,376 --> 00:04:46,126 Defecation occurs at a spontaneous time. 114 00:04:46,209 --> 00:04:48,376 So we simply just ooze when we need to poop… 115 00:04:48,459 --> 00:04:51,043 All right, spare us the gory details. What do we do with him? 116 00:04:51,126 --> 00:04:53,543 The same thing we did with the previous four assassins. 117 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:54,626 [chilling music plays] 118 00:04:54,709 --> 00:04:55,959 Oh wow, holy shit! 119 00:04:56,043 --> 00:04:58,543 Well, well. That's five assassins now. 120 00:04:58,626 --> 00:05:00,959 You must have upset someone pretty badly, boss man. 121 00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:03,209 All right, toss the corpse with the others by the fence. 122 00:05:03,293 --> 00:05:04,626 Let it decay out in the open. 123 00:05:04,709 --> 00:05:07,209 I'm going back to finish my delicious lukewarm dinner. 124 00:05:07,293 --> 00:05:09,168 Mmm… Tripe stew! 125 00:05:09,251 --> 00:05:10,793 Okay, Marcinek, grab ahold of his feet. 126 00:05:16,918 --> 00:05:17,793 Um… 127 00:05:18,626 --> 00:05:21,918 Domino, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 128 00:05:23,126 --> 00:05:27,043 WANTED DEAD OR KILLED REWARD 10 000 ZLOTY 129 00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:30,876 ATTENTION! UNDEVILING DO NOT ENTER! 130 00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:33,043 [upbeat music playing] 131 00:05:33,126 --> 00:05:35,043 [suspicious music playing] 132 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,793 DELICIOUS VODKA GARWOLIN 133 00:05:37,876 --> 00:05:39,459 [growls] Fuck! 134 00:05:39,543 --> 00:05:41,668 Why in the hell did I come up with this stupid trap? 135 00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:44,709 Couldn't we have just put a coin or some cash in there instead of my vodka? 136 00:05:44,793 --> 00:05:47,584 Boss, don't worry. This is going to be a simple in and out job. 137 00:05:47,668 --> 00:05:49,209 We'll banish the demons. No more scares. 138 00:05:49,293 --> 00:05:51,293 The client will love it. You'll get paid your money. 139 00:05:51,376 --> 00:05:55,376 Yep, every demon in Hell would be tempted by some earthly thirst-quenching alcohol. 140 00:05:55,459 --> 00:05:58,584 [sighs] I just know I'm going to regret this decision. 141 00:05:58,668 --> 00:06:01,459 -[clanking in distance] -Hang on, I think they're here. 142 00:06:02,584 --> 00:06:04,834 [ghostly howling] 143 00:06:04,918 --> 00:06:07,043 [clattering] 144 00:06:07,126 --> 00:06:10,168 [howling] 145 00:06:10,251 --> 00:06:12,001 Tycjan, I'm really sorry, man. 146 00:06:12,084 --> 00:06:13,209 [howling] 147 00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:15,668 How was I supposed to know Sylwia was your girlfriend? 148 00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:18,834 [howling] I came with her, so whose fucking girlfriend do you think she was? 149 00:06:18,918 --> 00:06:21,376 She was fucking everyone. How could I know? 150 00:06:21,459 --> 00:06:23,001 For four fucking months, you blind jerk. 151 00:06:23,084 --> 00:06:24,584 [howling] 152 00:06:24,668 --> 00:06:26,418 I've been trying for four damn months, 153 00:06:26,501 --> 00:06:29,209 paying for our dates, her dinners, the movies with popcorn… 154 00:06:29,293 --> 00:06:31,876 [howling] …so she would at least hold my dick in her hands. 155 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:35,418 But this guy drags her into the bathroom after only 15 minutes of talking to her. 156 00:06:35,501 --> 00:06:39,126 Usually, they go with me right away. That must mean she's a decent woman. 157 00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:41,584 [howling] 158 00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,668 [shouting] 159 00:06:44,293 --> 00:06:45,543 So now, we all good? 160 00:06:45,626 --> 00:06:46,626 [howling] 161 00:06:46,709 --> 00:06:48,418 Should I tell you my favorite pick-up secret? 162 00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:49,709 The pick-up line is key. 163 00:06:49,793 --> 00:06:51,459 You walk up to your girl and say… 164 00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:53,543 [indistinct whispering] 165 00:06:55,959 --> 00:06:58,334 -That is what you said to her? -[chuckles] Yeah. 166 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,251 Ow! 167 00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:01,918 I meant if she had a hypothetical boyfriend, 168 00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:03,376 I wasn't talking about you, Tycjan. 169 00:07:03,459 --> 00:07:06,334 Tycjan! Come on, Tycjan. Bro, I'm sorry! 170 00:07:06,418 --> 00:07:07,918 Like a brother to a brother. 171 00:07:08,001 --> 00:07:09,168 I'm really sorry, okay? 172 00:07:09,251 --> 00:07:11,376 You know where you can shove that apology? 173 00:07:11,459 --> 00:07:13,209 In Sylwia, where you shoved your… 174 00:07:13,293 --> 00:07:15,793 Oh shit-balls, Borys, please fucking pinch me, dude. 175 00:07:15,876 --> 00:07:17,709 I think I must be fucking dreaming or something. 176 00:07:17,793 --> 00:07:18,959 -What? -That! 177 00:07:20,376 --> 00:07:22,168 It's all mine, and I am no longer angry. 178 00:07:22,251 --> 00:07:24,793 No, stay angry. We are sharing that bottle. 179 00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:26,376 [chuckles] I told you. 180 00:07:26,459 --> 00:07:29,543 [yelling] Right now! 181 00:07:31,876 --> 00:07:33,376 Uh… 182 00:07:33,459 --> 00:07:35,126 Now give me back my bottle of vodka, 183 00:07:35,209 --> 00:07:38,376 or I will treat your pie hole to a bunch of my little leadballs. 184 00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:41,751 Are you sure about that? But we have a hostage you might want back. 185 00:07:41,834 --> 00:07:44,126 Put the shotgun down, or say goodbye to the vodka. 186 00:07:44,209 --> 00:07:48,376 Uh, take it easy now. You don't want to do anything foolish here. 187 00:07:48,459 --> 00:07:51,251 So, Domino, open the cage right now. 188 00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:52,793 -No, but… -Open it. 189 00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:59,376 [chuckles] Phew! Did you see that? 190 00:07:59,459 --> 00:08:01,376 Right now! 191 00:08:02,376 --> 00:08:03,459 We've got him. 192 00:08:03,543 --> 00:08:04,668 Marcinek, what are you up to? 193 00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:06,709 Open this, or I will punch you in the face. 194 00:08:06,793 --> 00:08:09,501 Forgive us, boss, but one punch in the face isn't enough. 195 00:08:09,584 --> 00:08:13,876 Because we have 10,000 reasons not to open this trap door right now. 196 00:08:13,959 --> 00:08:17,876 Well, you deceitful goddamn little Judases. 197 00:08:17,959 --> 00:08:19,084 [dramatic music plays] 198 00:08:19,168 --> 00:08:21,209 [Marcin] …4290, 199 00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:24,001 4300, 4310, 200 00:08:24,084 --> 00:08:26,376 4320. 201 00:08:26,459 --> 00:08:28,834 -There's a bit missing. -Marcin, don't be picky. 202 00:08:28,918 --> 00:08:31,709 You've never seen more money in your life anyways, idiot. 203 00:08:31,793 --> 00:08:34,209 All right then, this amount of money will work for us. 204 00:08:34,293 --> 00:08:35,876 Well, in that case, goodbye then. 205 00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:38,376 My guard here will escort you back to the portal to Earth. 206 00:08:40,751 --> 00:08:41,959 [door opens, closes] 207 00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:44,876 [malevolent laugh] 208 00:08:44,959 --> 00:08:49,209 Exorcist Limp Boner, now I will finally get even with you. 209 00:08:49,293 --> 00:08:52,084 You probably want me to kill your sorry ass quickly, don't you? 210 00:08:52,168 --> 00:08:53,751 Ah, but no. [chuckles] 211 00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:57,376 I won't even give you the pleasure of surrendering to death so quickly. 212 00:08:57,459 --> 00:09:00,876 First, you will spend the next 25 years in a penal colony. 213 00:09:00,959 --> 00:09:02,459 And then, an execution. 214 00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,668 And then a debt collection! 215 00:09:05,793 --> 00:09:06,668 PRISON SERVICE 216 00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:10,043 [demon sobbing] Not the penal colony! 217 00:09:10,126 --> 00:09:12,251 That's the worst place in Hell. 218 00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:14,918 [crying] It would be better to land in the cauldron. 219 00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:16,043 [sobbing] 220 00:09:16,126 --> 00:09:18,709 Czesiek, stop whining like a fucking bitch. 221 00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:21,084 You're a guard, for fuck's sake, not a prisoner. 222 00:09:21,168 --> 00:09:24,709 Well, maybe you're right, Filip. But I feel so sorry for them that… 223 00:09:24,793 --> 00:09:27,043 -[sobbing] -Sorry for them? You fucking serious. 224 00:09:27,126 --> 00:09:28,418 You didn't even feel sorry for me 225 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,793 when you put a firecracker into the lit end of my cigarette. 226 00:09:30,876 --> 00:09:32,751 Krzyś, I apologized for that, didn't I? 227 00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:35,293 Besides, you even said it was hilarious yourself, so what gives? 228 00:09:35,376 --> 00:09:37,043 -By the way, Krzysiek. -Yeah? 229 00:09:37,126 --> 00:09:39,626 Why the fuck are you driving, given that you're blind and all? 230 00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,418 Don't worry, I know this road like the back of my claw, so relax. 231 00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:43,543 [thudding] 232 00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,459 -Yes, I can see that. -Stop panicking, Filip. 233 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,626 He always runs over that rock when we reach this point. 234 00:09:47,709 --> 00:09:48,543 See? I told you. 235 00:09:48,626 --> 00:09:49,876 [weapon fires] 236 00:09:49,959 --> 00:09:52,626 Freeze, or I will shoot you with this AK-47! 237 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:54,793 [cackling] 238 00:09:56,293 --> 00:09:58,293 [weapon firing] 239 00:09:58,376 --> 00:10:00,293 KEEP YOUR GUN ON YOUR PRISONER 240 00:10:00,376 --> 00:10:02,959 -Sweet, sweet victory! -[door slams] 241 00:10:03,043 --> 00:10:06,209 Now then, it’s time to take these prisoners to the penal colony. 242 00:10:06,709 --> 00:10:08,751 Where is that starter button? Oh. 243 00:10:09,293 --> 00:10:10,626 [explodes] 244 00:10:19,209 --> 00:10:21,376 [air whistling] 245 00:10:23,543 --> 00:10:25,876 Phew, luckily the built-in parachute deployed. 246 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,959 [boiling, sizzling] 247 00:10:28,626 --> 00:10:31,626 -[Domino] Victory! [laughs] -[Boner laughing] 248 00:10:31,709 --> 00:10:34,209 I tell ya, that was definitely the most perfect plan ever! 249 00:10:34,293 --> 00:10:37,459 Yeah! Beelzebutt, that stupid motherfucker couldn't wrap his tiny little mind 250 00:10:37,543 --> 00:10:39,543 around the fact that we organized that whole scheme. 251 00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:41,459 Wait, that was totally fucking staged? 252 00:10:41,543 --> 00:10:43,251 So, we didn't turn the boss in, after all. 253 00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:46,251 Domino, if I wasn't in such a great mood right now celebrating, 254 00:10:46,334 --> 00:10:47,376 I would fucking smack you. 255 00:10:47,459 --> 00:10:49,126 If you are in such a good mood right now, 256 00:10:49,209 --> 00:10:51,501 maybe you could share this reward with us or me? 257 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:54,501 Four thousand zloty divided by three is over a grand each. 258 00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:57,459 Ah! Exactly 1,330 zloty with some change. 259 00:10:57,543 --> 00:10:58,459 You are fucking crazy. 260 00:10:58,543 --> 00:11:00,793 Then maybe you can pay me overdue salary at least? 261 00:11:00,876 --> 00:11:02,793 You owe me for two months, 1500 zloty each. 262 00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:04,293 Ehh. All right, Marcinek. 263 00:11:04,376 --> 00:11:06,001 Here is 1300 zloty, 264 00:11:06,084 --> 00:11:09,043 and let's say your salary for the last two months is paid off now. 265 00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:11,001 [sighs] Thank you, I guess. 266 00:11:11,084 --> 00:11:13,459 Boss man, will you pay me my overdue paychecks as well? 267 00:11:13,543 --> 00:11:16,543 I've been working for a year, which is twelve months, I'm pretty sure. 268 00:11:16,626 --> 00:11:18,876 [sighs] Twelve months, you say then? 269 00:11:18,959 --> 00:11:20,376 Ah! Let it be my loss then, 270 00:11:20,459 --> 00:11:22,876 I will round twelve down to the nearest whole number. 271 00:11:22,959 --> 00:11:25,959 Ten times zero is… Divided by the square root of three. 272 00:11:26,459 --> 00:11:27,793 Unfortunately, for you, Domino. 273 00:11:28,376 --> 00:11:31,293 All right, very good then. Money doesn't buy happiness anyway. 274 00:11:31,376 --> 00:11:32,209 THE END 275 00:11:32,293 --> 00:11:34,293 [in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪ 276 00:11:34,376 --> 00:11:37,543 ♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪ 277 00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:40,584 ♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪ 278 00:11:40,668 --> 00:11:43,793 ♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪ 279 00:11:43,876 --> 00:11:48,084 [malevolent laugh]