A NETFLIX SERIES
Go fetch!
WANTED DEAD OR KILLED
Nergal! Go fetch!
No? Come on, bring the toy!
Whatever. I'll go fetch, but it's the last time.
Watch and learn.
And that's how it's done.
Right. Sentencing. And what did he do?
-He was drinking beer. -He did fucking what?
But I have implemented the prohibition!
A complete ban of alcohol consumption in all of the netherworld!
After all, this is Hell, not a holiday.
It's Hell for humans, not us demons.
And now he's talking back. Nergal, attack him!
No, not that one!
I gotta do everything myself.
See? That's what I meant.
Okay, Pietro, take him out for a walk,
because he is getting too frisky.
-He will bite me again. -He won't if you take some treats.
PET CEMETERY
He got himself a dog, but when it's time to walk him, he can't be bothered.
All right, go play, you stupid mutt. Just do not get lost again!
Okay. Now!
Holy fucking shit. Not good.
I don't know. Just butchering a dog like that is kinda messed up?
It had as much to do with a dog as Domino has to do with high school diplomas.
-What? -Mr. Zdzisiu, all done here.
-Dead? -The cemetery is clear.
And you owe me 200 zloty.
MAIL
It's that Boner again!
Just not against the floor!
And the screen is cracked.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Ah, it's fine?
I'm gonna do the same thing I just did to this phone
to that piece of shit deadbeat exorcist.
Twenty thousand!
Nah, twenty thousand is a bit too much.
Ten thousand.
Ten thousand zloty reward
for anyone who can capture that son of a bitch and bring him to me alive.
Good one, right?
Absolutely. If you say so, Your Lord Motherfuckedness.
I need you to set up an ad on Teletext!
Also send out a bunch of spam to private emails!
And print way too many flyers!
Oh yeah. Raise parking fees throughout Hell,
and introduce new loading and construction zones!
We're even going to raise it on those with private properties.
I have to raise that money somehow.
EXORCIST OFFICE / BONER CONSTRUCTION
LAWN MOWING CHEAP!
Mmm… Bust my damn gut.
But this is fucking finger-licking good.
And what separates a real man from a boy, you may ask me?
This. The fact that he'll eat this.
Mmm, smells delicious.
Okay, that's it. I can't wait for this tripe to fully melt.
Shi…
Who is so fucking stupid
that they decided to knock on my door at nine o'clock at night?
Now what's going on?
Hello? Is anybody out here?
Fucking weird.
WEL OME
Put your damn hands up, Flacid-dick Boner!
Don't you even think about going for your shotgun.
You moron. I wasn't even thinking about going for my shotgun.
Oh, you have made a very big mistake, you asshole demon.
'Cause I'm already so scared of you.
Ah, it's lukewarm.
Oh mommy!
You killed him.
Thank you, Domino. How could you tell, Captain Obvious?
That's easy. His anal ooze channel is leaking.
Don't you mean sphincters?
No way. We demons do not have sphincters.
Defecation occurs at a spontaneous time.
So we simply just ooze when we need to poop…
All right, spare us the gory details. What do we do with him?
The same thing we did with the previous four assassins.
Oh wow, holy shit!
Well, well. That's five assassins now.
You must have upset someone pretty badly, boss man.
All right, toss the corpse with the others by the fence.
Let it decay out in the open.
I'm going back to finish my delicious lukewarm dinner.
Mmm… Tripe stew!
Okay, Marcinek, grab ahold of his feet.
Um…
Domino, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
WANTED DEAD OR KILLED REWARD 10 000 ZLOTY
ATTENTION! UNDEVILING DO NOT ENTER!
DELICIOUS VODKA GARWOLIN
Fuck!
Why in the hell did I come up with this stupid trap?
Couldn't we have just put a coin or some cash in there instead of my vodka?
Boss, don't worry. This is going to be a simple in and out job.
We'll banish the demons. No more scares.
The client will love it. You'll get paid your money.
Yep, every demon in Hell would be tempted by some earthly thirst-quenching alcohol.
I just know I'm going to regret this decision.
Hang on, I think they're here.
Tycjan, I'm really sorry, man.
How was I supposed to know Sylwia was your girlfriend?
I came with her, so whose fucking girlfriend do you think she was?
She was fucking everyone. How could I know?
For four fucking months, you blind jerk.
I've been trying for four damn months,
paying for our dates, her dinners, the movies with popcorn…
…so she would at least hold my dick in her hands.
But this guy drags her into the bathroom after only 15 minutes of talking to her.
Usually, they go with me right away. That must mean she's a decent woman.
So now, we all good?
Should I tell you my favorite pick-up secret?
The pick-up line is key.
You walk up to your girl and say…
-That is what you said to her? -Yeah.
Ow!
I meant if she had a hypothetical boyfriend,
I wasn't talking about you, Tycjan.
Tycjan! Come on, Tycjan. Bro, I'm sorry!
Like a brother to a brother.
I'm really sorry, okay?
You know where you can shove that apology?
In Sylwia, where you shoved your…
Oh shit-balls, Borys, please fucking pinch me, dude.
I think I must be fucking dreaming or something.
-What? -That!
It's all mine, and I am no longer angry.
No, stay angry. We are sharing that bottle.
I told you.
Right now!
Uh…
Now give me back my bottle of vodka,
or I will treat your pie hole to a bunch of my little leadballs.
Are you sure about that? But we have a hostage you might want back.
Put the shotgun down, or say goodbye to the vodka.
Uh, take it easy now. You don't want to do anything foolish here.
So, Domino, open the cage right now.
-No, but… -Open it.
Phew! Did you see that?
Right now!
We've got him.
Marcinek, what are you up to?
Open this, or I will punch you in the face.
Forgive us, boss, but one punch in the face isn't enough.
Because we have 10,000 reasons not to open this trap door right now.
Well, you deceitful goddamn little Judases.
…4290,
4300, 4310,
4320.
-There's a bit missing. -Marcin, don't be picky.
You've never seen more money in your life anyways, idiot.
All right then, this amount of money will work for us.
Well, in that case, goodbye then.
My guard here will escort you back to the portal to Earth.
Exorcist Limp Boner, now I will finally get even with you.
You probably want me to kill your sorry ass quickly, don't you?
Ah, but no.
I won't even give you the pleasure of surrendering to death so quickly.
First, you will spend the next 25 years in a penal colony.
And then, an execution.
And then a debt collection!
PRISON SERVICE
Not the penal colony!
That's the worst place in Hell.
It would be better to land in the cauldron.
Czesiek, stop whining like a fucking bitch.
You're a guard, for fuck's sake, not a prisoner.
Well, maybe you're right, Filip. But I feel so sorry for them that…
Sorry for them? You fucking serious.
You didn't even feel sorry for me
when you put a firecracker into the lit end of my cigarette.
Krzyś, I apologized for that, didn't I?
Besides, you even said it was hilarious yourself, so what gives?
-By the way, Krzysiek. -Yeah?
Why the fuck are you driving, given that you're blind and all?
Don't worry, I know this road like the back of my claw, so relax.
-Yes, I can see that. -Stop panicking, Filip.
He always runs over that rock when we reach this point.
See? I told you.
Freeze, or I will shoot you with this AK-47!
KEEP YOUR GUN ON YOUR PRISONER
Sweet, sweet victory!
Now then, it’s time to take these prisoners to the penal colony.
Where is that starter button? Oh.
Phew, luckily the built-in parachute deployed.
Victory!
I tell ya, that was definitely the most perfect plan ever!
Yeah! Beelzebutt, that stupid motherfucker couldn't wrap his tiny little mind
around the fact that we organized that whole scheme.
Wait, that was totally fucking staged?
So, we didn't turn the boss in, after all.
Domino, if I wasn't in such a great mood right now celebrating,
I would fucking smack you.
If you are in such a good mood right now,
maybe you could share this reward with us or me?
Four thousand zloty divided by three is over a grand each.
Ah! Exactly 1,330 zloty with some change.
You are fucking crazy.
Then maybe you can pay me overdue salary at least?
You owe me for two months, 1500 zloty each.
Ehh. All right, Marcinek.
Here is 1300 zloty,
and let's say your salary for the last two months is paid off now.
Thank you, I guess.
Boss man, will you pay me my overdue paychecks as well?
I've been working for a year, which is twelve months, I'm pretty sure.
Twelve months, you say then?
Ah! Let it be my loss then,
I will round twelve down to the nearest whole number.
Ten times zero is… Divided by the square root of three.
Unfortunately, for you, Domino.
All right, very good then. Money doesn't buy happiness anyway.
THE END