A NETFLIX SERIES
[theme music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
THE EXORCIST 2050
[glass shattering]
[thrilling music playing]
[glass shattering]
Faster, faster, faster!
Come on now, please, hurry it up!
MAKS: "WHEN WILL YOU BE HERE?!"
ANSW: "I'M ON MY WAY"
MAX: "COME ON MAN"
ANSW: "BE RIGHT THERE. WAITING FOR A HOT DOG."
[objects shattering]
[demon] He's here somewhere.
[sniffing]
You smell that, Luki?
That's the smell of fear.
[Luki] I don't know, Mateo. To me, it's just an ordinary fart.
[Mateo] As a matter of fact, they both happen to pretty much smell the same.
Okay, you check the room, and I will look in the kitchen.
[Luki] It would be easier with some light.
I don't know why you broke all the lights in here.
[Mateo] First of all, I like the effect.
And second, the dick will learn to save electricity.
-I got you, dickhead! -[man grunting] No!
Go ahead and scream. Yeah, scream. You are already dead anyways, human.
[grunting] What's going on here?
Mateo, you dumb motherfucker. You're trying to trample on the hologram!
It's not a physical object, so you can't step on it, you airheaded fool.
Yeah, yeah, right. Your mom’s not a physical object, Luki.
You and your stupid scientific superstitions.
I'm sure it's all just witchcraft though. Ha-ha!
Okay, never mind then.
Luki, I will hold his legs,
while you take a swing at his neck with your machete.
[cackles] Okay then!
[grunts] What's going on?
[grunts]
Holy crap, Mateo. Check out this awesome knife coming through my chest.
[grunts]
[sinister music playing]
Why, you little!
You may have the coolest knife I have ever seen,
but you are definitely no match for my trusty machete…
-[weapon fires] -[grunts]
[body hits the ground]
[blows] Boss man, mission successful.
It was a lot easier than I predicted it to be.
That is just perfect.
Okay, make sure that the client pays, then I want you back at base.
-We already have another job. -Yes, sir boss.
What do we have here?
Demon control in your apartment and then saving your goddamn life.
That will be 300 right now.
Oh, man, that is way too much money. I did not know I was worth that much.
Yeah, no! Demon control is 300.
But I threw in the life saving part for free, as a bonus.
How about no invoice so it will make my bill, just a little cheaper?
I'm sorry. We don't do business in that kind of way.
[sighs]
[Bingo caller] B-3.
RETIREMENT HOME OLDIE BUT A GOODIE
A-4.
C-2.
Nothing yet?
Let's keep drawing then.
-B-2. -[man] Bingo!
[laughing] I have bingo! See that, Boner?
That's how you play-- [coughs]
And it looks like, we have our next winner.
Natan has won the game once again.
The prize Natan receives for this round: a hospital bedpan.
Oh, that is awesome!
I was about to get up and go to the bathroom,
but now I don't even have to move from my chair.
-[urinating] -[wheelchair whirring]
NATIVE - CHEAP AND TASTY NOW FLAVORED
[brakes screeching]
[cap squeaking open]
[whizzing]
[sinister music playing]
[demon] Hey, boss, all clear.
[dramatic music plays]
If it isn't Bogdan Boner.
I hope all that booze you drank over the years
didn't burn out all your brain cells and you still recognize…
your old "amigo."
Oh shit-balls…
I'm sure you are probably wondering
why I didn't take the time to kill you at any point during all these years.
Let me tell you… Pietro, plug your ears now.
Well, to be honest, I am ashamed to admit this,
but you were simply way too clever for me to kill you.
But now that you are…
Pietro, you can unplug your ears now.
Pietro, ears!
[yelling] Pietro!
What a moron.
[grunts] What? Uh, is it okay now?
Ahh, but now that you are old, crippled, and decomposing,
it should be a piece of cake to kill you.
And to honor the long standing friendship that you and I have shared,
I have a little going away present to give you.
That's right. This is a fucking time bomb, baby!
Pietro will help you mount it underneath your ass. [laughs]
Well, it's been real nice, Boner,
but it looks like it's time to blow off that stupid face of yours.
[laughs]
It's time for me to go. I will see you in Hell, motherfucker! Bye!
[Pietro humming]
♪ First your legs and arms With cable ties ♪
♪ So that you don't Somehow escape this wheelchair ♪
Okay, now a gag for your mouth, so you can't scream for any help.
And finally, the time bomb set for 30 seconds.
-Time… Start. -[button beeps]
Goodbye, exorcist old friend.
Goodbye, you legend.
It has been a real honor.
Oh crap, 20 seconds! Okay, I'm getting the fuck out. See ya!
[grunting]
A-1.
Nothing yet, huh?
[chiming]
B-4.
Ahh, this is so cool! This is so exciting!
I'm about to have another bingo.
I wish I had decided to move into this nursing home a lot sooner.
It's fantastic here.
-C-1. -Oh wow, bingo--
[grunts] Boner, you madman!
What are you doing scooping me up like that? I had a bingo!
[muffled speech]
What? Oh no, it's a bomb!
SEWAGE DISPOSAL
[exploding]
Phew! That was way-way too close for comfort.
[muffled speech]
-What did you say? -[muffled] Fucking hell!
Ah, you want me to cut the cable tie.
Thankfully, even in my old age, I still carry around my crucifix-dagger.
There.
DELICIOUS VODKA
[sighs]
It is a miracle that your body hasn't completely shut down
from all the booze you have consumed over the years.
EXORCIST OFFICE / RENOVATION CONSTRUCTION SERVICES DOMINO
What about him?
Take that body to the garbage disposal. But first, take out the atomic battery.
That thing is more expensive than your yearly salary.
And you know that I pay you quite a lot.
[Marcin] Cyberdemon.
[scoffs] I wonder what they'll come up with next in Hell?
-Oh, what, no way. -What happened now?
Someone just sent me a low-res MP3 voice memo via A.I.M.
-Via what? -Who the hell is using
AOL Instant Messenger in the year 2050?
Is fucking George Washington attempting to get in contact with me or something?
Don't open it, boss. What if it's some sort of trap?
A Trojan or maybe something much worse.
Don't shit in your pants.
I may not always flaunt my salary, but I can definitely afford antivirus.
[Boner] Okay, listen up, dickheads. It's Bogdan Boner.
Beelzebutt somehow found out where I have been spending my retirement.
I managed to survive the first attempt at assassination.
But I'm afraid that it isn't over yet.
I need you both to help me.
I am at a nursing home called Oldie But a Goodie.
Help me. Remember how much you owe me from the past.
I'm waiting.
Oh no, that is all I fucking needed.
Now we have to drive to the airport
and spend an hour and a half on a bus from Mars to Earth.
"How much you owe me," bullshit.
The only thing I owe him is having my top front teeth knocked out.
Then I'll block the bastard, and the problem's over.
-Hold on now, boss. -What?
It honestly doesn't feel right to ignore him.
What if there's a day in the future
when you and I get really old, and we need similar help?
[sighs] I'm totally going to regret this.
-[alarm blaring] -[computer] Warning, virus detected!
To remove the threat purchase premium subscrip…
[audio looping]
[suspenseful music playing]
AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
LAUNDRY
Why oh why do I just keep underestimating you?
I don't know how you managed to get away from that explosion,
but I promise you this time it is not going to be that easy.
Because this time I’m going to see to it personally
that your execution goes off exactly as planned.
[wheezy laugh]
Oh Jesus, I was holding my breath way too long.
Look at this.
This right here is a high powered plasma bomb!
When it detonates, it would generate a temperature so damn high
that it could even completely destroy someone who is immortal.
Such as myself, which is a great example.
But unfortunately for you,
you're going to be the one holding onto this powerful plasma toy
during the explosion.
E-Excuse my boldness, Your Villainous and Your Devilishness,
but we should try and hurry.
Shut up, you stupid bastard.
You realize it is up to me to decide whether to hurry up or not.
Now hurry up with that bomb, you idiot.
[sinister music playing]
[keys beeping]
[bomb timer beeping]
-Ready. It's gonna explode soon. -That is just perfect.
Now record it with your phone. I want to remember this.
-[rumbling] -What? Who the hell could this be?
CHEAPBUS - 29,99 ZLOTY EARTH-MARS
Thank you, goodbye.
Fucking lah-de-dah.
You punch me in the face to make me land here,
rather than walking half a kilometer from the bus stop, bitch.
[engine starts]
Long time, Mr. Boner. Hang on.
Why are you tied up like that, sir?
[muffled yelling]
And why do you need this ticking time bomb right here?
[gasps] Oh, shit. Marcin, this is totally a trap!
[groans] But really? Now?
Pietro, take care of it.
Hey, sonny! Leave that bomb right there. Is it yours?
Boss, do your thing. I'll take care of this.
[grunts] Why, you son of a…
Oh Jesus! Wait, you--
[growls angrily]
It looks like I have to do everything myself!
Give me that explosive!
[laughs]
Now what will you do, motherfucker?
[beeping rapidly]
[exploding]
Domino! No
Uh-oh! Sir, it wasn't my fault. Goodbye now.
Phew. Well, thankfully, that's over and everything turned out to be a-okay.
You're welcome. Now you owe us 30,000 zloty.
-How much? -Including the invoice.
Plus, every paycheck you didn’t pay me.
And with compound interest.
Uh…
And that's why, in my humble opinion,
I think that we should get our paychecks on time every other week.
[Domino] That's right.
Although you don't actually ever pay me,
I would also prefer that we get our paychecks on time.
METROPOLITAN BEER
Er… What? What did you say? Sorry, I was taking a nap.
I was listening up until some Maks guy started writing on his watch.
[sighs loudly]
[computer chiming]
-Hmm. That's weird. -What happened, boss?
It looks like Mieszko just sent me some kind of weird audio file.
But I really thought that man had been dead for a long time now.
[Mieszko on computer] Master Boner, make haste!
There's no time for a dissertation! The land of our fathers is in a quagmire!
Soon, an emissary will bring tidings.
I await you in the castle-town of Gniezno.
Farewell!
[loud whoosh]
[dramatic music plays]
Why are you all just standing there, you morons?
Get in the time machine already. Poland's calling.
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]