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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
00:00:15,876 --> 00:00:17,876
[suspenseful music playing]
4
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THE EXORCIST 2050
5
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[glass shattering]
6
00:00:27,626 --> 00:00:29,709
[thrilling music playing]
7
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[glass shattering]
8
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Faster, faster, faster!
9
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Come on now, please, hurry it up!
10
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MAKS: "WHEN WILL YOU BE HERE?!"
11
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ANSW: "I'M ON MY WAY"
12
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MAX: "COME ON MAN"
13
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ANSW: "BE RIGHT THERE.
WAITING FOR A HOT DOG."
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[objects shattering]
15
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[demon] He's here somewhere.
16
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[sniffing]
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You smell that, Luki?
18
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That's the smell of fear.
19
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[Luki] I don't know, Mateo.
To me, it's just an ordinary fart.
20
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[Mateo] As a matter of fact, they both
happen to pretty much smell the same.
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Okay, you check the room,
and I will look in the kitchen.
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[Luki] It would be easier with some light.
23
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I don't know why
you broke all the lights in here.
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[Mateo] First of all, I like the effect.
25
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And second,
the dick will learn to save electricity.
26
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-I got you, dickhead!
-[man grunting] No!
27
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Go ahead and scream. Yeah, scream.
You are already dead anyways, human.
28
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[grunting] What's going on here?
29
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Mateo, you dumb motherfucker.
You're trying to trample on the hologram!
30
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It's not a physical object, so you
can't step on it, you airheaded fool.
31
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Yeah, yeah, right.
Your mom’s not a physical object, Luki.
32
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You and your stupid
scientific superstitions.
33
00:01:39,126 --> 00:01:41,459
I'm sure it's all just
witchcraft though. Ha-ha!
34
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:42,876
Okay, never mind then.
35
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Luki, I will hold his legs,
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while you take a swing at his neck
with your machete.
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[cackles] Okay then!
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[grunts] What's going on?
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[grunts]
40
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Holy crap, Mateo. Check out this
awesome knife coming through my chest.
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[grunts]
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[sinister music playing]
43
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Why, you little!
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You may have the coolest knife
I have ever seen,
45
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but you are definitely no match
for my trusty machete…
46
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-[weapon fires]
-[grunts]
47
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[body hits the ground]
48
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[blows] Boss man, mission successful.
49
00:02:19,043 --> 00:02:21,293
It was a lot easier
than I predicted it to be.
50
00:02:21,376 --> 00:02:22,793
That is just perfect.
51
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,501
Okay, make sure that the client pays,
then I want you back at base.
52
00:02:25,584 --> 00:02:27,376
-We already have another job.
-Yes, sir boss.
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00:02:27,459 --> 00:02:28,543
What do we have here?
54
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Demon control in your apartment
and then saving your goddamn life.
55
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That will be 300 right now.
56
00:02:32,709 --> 00:02:35,626
Oh, man, that is way too much money.
I did not know I was worth that much.
57
00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:37,251
Yeah, no! Demon control is 300.
58
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But I threw in the life saving part
for free, as a bonus.
59
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How about no invoice so it will
make my bill, just a little cheaper?
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I'm sorry.
We don't do business in that kind of way.
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[sighs]
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[Bingo caller] B-3.
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RETIREMENT HOME
OLDIE BUT A GOODIE
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A-4.
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C-2.
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Nothing yet?
67
00:02:57,918 --> 00:02:59,293
Let's keep drawing then.
68
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-B-2.
-[man] Bingo!
69
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[laughing] I have bingo! See that, Boner?
70
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That's how you play-- [coughs]
71
00:03:07,126 --> 00:03:09,043
And it looks like,
we have our next winner.
72
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Natan has won the game once again.
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00:03:11,084 --> 00:03:14,418
The prize Natan receives for this round:
a hospital bedpan.
74
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Oh, that is awesome!
75
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I was about to get up
and go to the bathroom,
76
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but now I don't even have to move
from my chair.
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-[urinating]
-[wheelchair whirring]
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NATIVE - CHEAP AND TASTY
NOW FLAVORED
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[brakes screeching]
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[cap squeaking open]
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[whizzing]
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[sinister music playing]
83
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[demon] Hey, boss, all clear.
84
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[dramatic music plays]
85
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If it isn't Bogdan Boner.
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00:03:54,918 --> 00:03:56,793
I hope all that booze
you drank over the years
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00:03:56,876 --> 00:03:59,584
didn't burn out all your brain cells
and you still recognize…
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your old "amigo."
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00:04:00,876 --> 00:04:01,876
Oh shit-balls…
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00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:03,709
I'm sure you are probably wondering
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00:04:03,793 --> 00:04:08,459
why I didn't take the time to kill you
at any point during all these years.
92
00:04:08,543 --> 00:04:11,293
Let me tell you…
Pietro, plug your ears now.
93
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,626
Well, to be honest,
I am ashamed to admit this,
94
00:04:13,709 --> 00:04:16,709
but you were simply
way too clever for me to kill you.
95
00:04:16,793 --> 00:04:18,043
But now that you are…
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00:04:18,126 --> 00:04:20,376
Pietro, you can unplug your ears now.
97
00:04:20,459 --> 00:04:21,459
Pietro, ears!
98
00:04:22,709 --> 00:04:23,793
[yelling] Pietro!
99
00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:25,209
What a moron.
100
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:28,293
[grunts] What? Uh, is it okay now?
101
00:04:28,376 --> 00:04:32,126
Ahh, but now that you are old,
crippled, and decomposing,
102
00:04:32,209 --> 00:04:34,418
it should be a piece of cake to kill you.
103
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:38,084
And to honor the long standing friendship
that you and I have shared,
104
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I have a little going away present
to give you.
105
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:44,918
That's right.
This is a fucking time bomb, baby!
106
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Pietro will help you mount it
underneath your ass. [laughs]
107
00:04:48,251 --> 00:04:49,918
Well, it's been real nice, Boner,
108
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but it looks like it's time to blow off
that stupid face of yours.
109
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[laughs]
110
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It's time for me to go.
I will see you in Hell, motherfucker! Bye!
111
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[Pietro humming]
112
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♪ First your legs and arms
With cable ties ♪
113
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♪ So that you don't
Somehow escape this wheelchair ♪
114
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Okay, now a gag for your mouth,
so you can't scream for any help.
115
00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:16,876
And finally, the time bomb
set for 30 seconds.
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-Time… Start.
-[button beeps]
117
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Goodbye, exorcist old friend.
118
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Goodbye, you legend.
119
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It has been a real honor.
120
00:05:25,168 --> 00:05:27,876
Oh crap, 20 seconds!
Okay, I'm getting the fuck out. See ya!
121
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[grunting]
122
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A-1.
123
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Nothing yet, huh?
124
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[chiming]
125
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B-4.
126
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,959
Ahh, this is so cool! This is so exciting!
127
00:05:40,043 --> 00:05:41,668
I'm about to have another bingo.
128
00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:44,459
I wish I had decided to move
into this nursing home a lot sooner.
129
00:05:44,543 --> 00:05:45,709
It's fantastic here.
130
00:05:45,793 --> 00:05:47,709
-C-1.
-Oh wow, bingo--
131
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[grunts] Boner, you madman!
132
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,459
What are you doing scooping me up
like that? I had a bingo!
133
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[muffled speech]
134
00:05:57,209 --> 00:05:59,584
What? Oh no, it's a bomb!
135
00:06:01,043 --> 00:06:02,459
SEWAGE DISPOSAL
136
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[exploding]
137
00:06:05,626 --> 00:06:08,543
Phew! That was way-way too close
for comfort.
138
00:06:08,626 --> 00:06:10,209
[muffled speech]
139
00:06:10,293 --> 00:06:12,626
-What did you say?
-[muffled] Fucking hell!
140
00:06:12,709 --> 00:06:14,293
Ah, you want me to cut the cable tie.
141
00:06:14,376 --> 00:06:17,876
Thankfully, even in my old age,
I still carry around my crucifix-dagger.
142
00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:18,834
There.
143
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DELICIOUS VODKA
144
00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:21,459
[sighs]
145
00:06:21,543 --> 00:06:23,751
It is a miracle that your body
hasn't completely shut down
146
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,876
from all the booze you have consumed
over the years.
147
00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:28,876
EXORCIST OFFICE /
RENOVATION CONSTRUCTION SERVICES DOMINO
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What about him?
149
00:06:30,959 --> 00:06:34,376
Take that body to the garbage disposal.
But first, take out the atomic battery.
150
00:06:34,459 --> 00:06:36,751
That thing is more expensive
than your yearly salary.
151
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,376
And you know that I pay you quite a lot.
152
00:06:38,459 --> 00:06:39,626
[Marcin] Cyberdemon.
153
00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:42,959
[scoffs] I wonder what they'll
come up with next in Hell?
154
00:06:43,043 --> 00:06:44,709
-Oh, what, no way.
-What happened now?
155
00:06:44,793 --> 00:06:47,543
Someone just sent me
a low-res MP3 voice memo via A.I.M.
156
00:06:47,626 --> 00:06:49,084
-Via what?
-Who the hell is using
157
00:06:49,168 --> 00:06:51,418
AOL Instant Messenger in the year 2050?
158
00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:54,626
Is fucking George Washington attempting
to get in contact with me or something?
159
00:06:54,709 --> 00:06:56,709
Don't open it, boss.
What if it's some sort of trap?
160
00:06:56,793 --> 00:06:58,293
A Trojan or maybe something much worse.
161
00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,376
Don't shit in your pants.
162
00:06:59,459 --> 00:07:03,209
I may not always flaunt my salary,
but I can definitely afford antivirus.
163
00:07:03,293 --> 00:07:05,834
[Boner] Okay, listen up, dickheads.
It's Bogdan Boner.
164
00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:10,001
Beelzebutt somehow found out where
I have been spending my retirement.
165
00:07:10,709 --> 00:07:13,584
I managed to survive
the first attempt at assassination.
166
00:07:13,668 --> 00:07:15,793
But I'm afraid that it isn't over yet.
167
00:07:16,543 --> 00:07:18,501
I need you both to help me.
168
00:07:18,584 --> 00:07:22,501
I am at a nursing home
called Oldie But a Goodie.
169
00:07:22,584 --> 00:07:26,209
Help me. Remember how much
you owe me from the past.
170
00:07:26,293 --> 00:07:27,293
I'm waiting.
171
00:07:27,376 --> 00:07:29,543
Oh no, that is all I fucking needed.
172
00:07:29,626 --> 00:07:31,043
Now we have to drive to the airport
173
00:07:31,126 --> 00:07:33,293
and spend an hour and a half on a bus
from Mars to Earth.
174
00:07:33,376 --> 00:07:34,668
"How much you owe me," bullshit.
175
00:07:34,751 --> 00:07:37,626
The only thing I owe him is having
my top front teeth knocked out.
176
00:07:37,709 --> 00:07:39,876
Then I'll block the bastard,
and the problem's over.
177
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,543
-Hold on now, boss.
-What?
178
00:07:41,626 --> 00:07:43,501
It honestly doesn't feel right
to ignore him.
179
00:07:43,584 --> 00:07:45,043
What if there's a day in the future
180
00:07:45,126 --> 00:07:47,251
when you and I get really old,
and we need similar help?
181
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:50,209
[sighs] I'm totally going to regret this.
182
00:07:50,293 --> 00:07:52,626
-[alarm blaring]
-[computer] Warning, virus detected!
183
00:07:52,709 --> 00:07:55,043
To remove the threat
purchase premium subscrip…
184
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,126
[audio looping]
185
00:07:58,293 --> 00:08:00,293
[suspenseful music playing]
186
00:08:08,876 --> 00:08:11,668
AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
187
00:08:11,751 --> 00:08:14,293
LAUNDRY
188
00:08:15,376 --> 00:08:18,209
Why oh why
do I just keep underestimating you?
189
00:08:18,293 --> 00:08:21,001
I don't know how you managed
to get away from that explosion,
190
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:24,793
but I promise you this time
it is not going to be that easy.
191
00:08:24,876 --> 00:08:27,293
Because this time
I’m going to see to it personally
192
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,918
that your execution goes off
exactly as planned.
193
00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:31,793
[wheezy laugh]
194
00:08:31,876 --> 00:08:34,168
Oh Jesus, I was holding my breath
way too long.
195
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:35,209
Look at this.
196
00:08:35,293 --> 00:08:37,876
This right here
is a high powered plasma bomb!
197
00:08:37,959 --> 00:08:41,209
When it detonates, it would generate
a temperature so damn high
198
00:08:41,293 --> 00:08:44,918
that it could even completely destroy
someone who is immortal.
199
00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:47,209
Such as myself, which is a great example.
200
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:48,459
But unfortunately for you,
201
00:08:48,543 --> 00:08:51,459
you're going to be the one holding onto
this powerful plasma toy
202
00:08:51,543 --> 00:08:52,543
during the explosion.
203
00:08:52,626 --> 00:08:55,709
E-Excuse my boldness, Your Villainous
and Your Devilishness,
204
00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:57,209
but we should try and hurry.
205
00:08:57,293 --> 00:08:58,876
Shut up, you stupid bastard.
206
00:08:58,959 --> 00:09:02,459
You realize it is up to me
to decide whether to hurry up or not.
207
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,501
Now hurry up with that bomb, you idiot.
208
00:09:04,584 --> 00:09:06,584
[sinister music playing]
209
00:09:08,543 --> 00:09:09,459
[keys beeping]
210
00:09:09,543 --> 00:09:11,376
[bomb timer beeping]
211
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:15,459
-Ready. It's gonna explode soon.
-That is just perfect.
212
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:17,959
Now record it with your phone.
I want to remember this.
213
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,293
-[rumbling]
-What? Who the hell could this be?
214
00:09:21,709 --> 00:09:23,876
CHEAPBUS - 29,99 ZLOTY
EARTH-MARS
215
00:09:23,959 --> 00:09:25,293
Thank you, goodbye.
216
00:09:25,376 --> 00:09:26,668
Fucking lah-de-dah.
217
00:09:26,751 --> 00:09:28,626
You punch me in the face
to make me land here,
218
00:09:28,709 --> 00:09:31,334
rather than walking half a kilometer
from the bus stop, bitch.
219
00:09:31,418 --> 00:09:32,918
[engine starts]
220
00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:35,209
Long time, Mr. Boner. Hang on.
221
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,501
Why are you tied up like that, sir?
222
00:09:37,584 --> 00:09:39,126
[muffled yelling]
223
00:09:39,209 --> 00:09:41,876
And why do you need
this ticking time bomb right here?
224
00:09:41,959 --> 00:09:44,459
[gasps] Oh, shit. Marcin,
this is totally a trap!
225
00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:46,584
[groans] But really? Now?
226
00:09:46,668 --> 00:09:48,376
Pietro, take care of it.
227
00:09:50,668 --> 00:09:53,126
Hey, sonny! Leave that bomb right there.
Is it yours?
228
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,543
Boss, do your thing.
I'll take care of this.
229
00:09:57,126 --> 00:09:59,043
[grunts] Why, you son of a…
230
00:09:59,126 --> 00:10:00,293
Oh Jesus! Wait, you--
231
00:10:00,376 --> 00:10:01,709
[growls angrily]
232
00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:04,584
It looks like
I have to do everything myself!
233
00:10:05,626 --> 00:10:07,293
Give me that explosive!
234
00:10:08,293 --> 00:10:09,209
[laughs]
235
00:10:09,293 --> 00:10:11,459
Now what will you do, motherfucker?
236
00:10:11,543 --> 00:10:13,126
[beeping rapidly]
237
00:10:14,126 --> 00:10:15,293
[exploding]
238
00:10:16,209 --> 00:10:20,126
Domino! No
239
00:10:21,709 --> 00:10:24,959
Uh-oh! Sir, it wasn't my fault.
Goodbye now.
240
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:29,293
Phew. Well, thankfully, that's over
and everything turned out to be a-okay.
241
00:10:29,376 --> 00:10:31,959
You're welcome.
Now you owe us 30,000 zloty.
242
00:10:32,043 --> 00:10:33,876
-How much?
-Including the invoice.
243
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,793
Plus, every paycheck you didn’t pay me.
244
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,209
And with compound interest.
245
00:10:37,293 --> 00:10:39,293
Uh…
246
00:10:40,376 --> 00:10:42,001
And that's why, in my humble opinion,
247
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:44,918
I think that we should get our paychecks
on time every other week.
248
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:45,959
[Domino] That's right.
249
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,918
Although you don't actually ever pay me,
250
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,293
I would also prefer
that we get our paychecks on time.
251
00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:51,209
METROPOLITAN BEER
252
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,584
Er… What? What did you say?
Sorry, I was taking a nap.
253
00:10:53,668 --> 00:10:56,376
I was listening up until some Maks guy
started writing on his watch.
254
00:10:56,459 --> 00:10:57,376
[sighs loudly]
255
00:10:57,459 --> 00:10:58,418
[computer chiming]
256
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,543
-Hmm. That's weird.
-What happened, boss?
257
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,501
It looks like Mieszko just sent me
some kind of weird audio file.
258
00:11:03,584 --> 00:11:06,209
But I really thought that man
had been dead for a long time now.
259
00:11:06,293 --> 00:11:08,876
[Mieszko on computer]
Master Boner, make haste!
260
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:12,751
There's no time for a dissertation!
The land of our fathers is in a quagmire!
261
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,709
Soon, an emissary will bring tidings.
262
00:11:15,793 --> 00:11:18,584
I await you in the castle-town of Gniezno.
263
00:11:18,668 --> 00:11:19,543
Farewell!
264
00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:21,709
[loud whoosh]
265
00:11:24,376 --> 00:11:25,376
[dramatic music plays]
266
00:11:25,459 --> 00:11:27,418
Why are you all just standing there,
you morons?
267
00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:30,001
Get in the time machine already.
Poland's calling.
268
00:11:30,709 --> 00:11:31,543
THE END
269
00:11:31,626 --> 00:11:33,668
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
270
00:11:33,751 --> 00:11:36,834
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
271
00:11:36,918 --> 00:11:39,751
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
272
00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:43,126
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
273
00:11:43,209 --> 00:11:46,751
[malevolent laugh]