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A NETFLIX SERIES

2
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THE EXORCIST 2050

3
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Faster, faster, faster!

4
00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:38,793
Come on now, please, hurry it up!

5
00:00:38,876 --> 00:00:40,709
MAKS: "WHEN WILL YOU BE HERE?!"

6
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ANSW: "I'M ON MY WAY"

7
00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,626
MAX: "COME ON MAN"

8
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ANSW: "BE RIGHT THERE.
WAITING FOR A HOT DOG."

9
00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:52,334
He's here somewhere.

10
00:00:53,376 --> 00:00:54,668
You smell that, Luki?

11
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That's the smell of fear.

12
00:00:56,626 --> 00:00:59,251
I don't know, Mateo.
To me, it's just an ordinary fart.

13
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As a matter of fact, they both
happen to pretty much smell the same.

14
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Okay, you check the room,
and I will look in the kitchen.

15
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It would be easier with some light.

16
00:01:10,209 --> 00:01:12,501
I don't know why
you broke all the lights in here.

17
00:01:12,584 --> 00:01:15,376
First of all, I like the effect.

18
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And second,
the dick will learn to save electricity.

19
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-I got you, dickhead!
-No!

20
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Go ahead and scream. Yeah, scream.
You are already dead anyways, human.

21
00:01:26,126 --> 00:01:28,209
What's going on here?

22
00:01:28,293 --> 00:01:31,209
Mateo, you dumb motherfucker.
You're trying to trample on the hologram!

23
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It's not a physical object, so you
can't step on it, you airheaded fool.

24
00:01:34,043 --> 00:01:37,043
Yeah, yeah, right.
Your mom’s not a physical object, Luki.

25
00:01:37,126 --> 00:01:39,043
You and your stupid
scientific superstitions.

26
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I'm sure it's all just
witchcraft though. Ha-ha!

27
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Okay, never mind then.

28
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Luki, I will hold his legs,

29
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while you take a swing at his neck
with your machete.

30
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Okay then!

31
00:01:51,209 --> 00:01:53,043
What's going on?

32
00:01:55,709 --> 00:01:59,376
Holy crap, Mateo. Check out this
awesome knife coming through my chest.

33
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:07,293
Why, you little!

34
00:02:07,376 --> 00:02:09,751
You may have the coolest knife
I have ever seen,

35
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:12,543
but you are definitely no match
for my trusty machete…

36
00:02:15,959 --> 00:02:18,959
Boss man, mission successful.

37
00:02:19,043 --> 00:02:21,293
It was a lot easier
than I predicted it to be.

38
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That is just perfect.

39
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,501
Okay, make sure that the client pays,
then I want you back at base.

40
00:02:25,584 --> 00:02:27,376
-We already have another job.
-Yes, sir boss.

41
00:02:27,459 --> 00:02:28,543
What do we have here?

42
00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:31,501
Demon control in your apartment
and then saving your goddamn life.

43
00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:32,626
That will be 300 right now.

44
00:02:32,709 --> 00:02:35,626
Oh, man, that is way too much money.
I did not know I was worth that much.

45
00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:37,251
Yeah, no! Demon control is 300.

46
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:39,543
But I threw in the life saving part
for free, as a bonus.

47
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:42,459
How about no invoice so it will
make my bill, just a little cheaper?

48
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I'm sorry.
We don't do business in that kind of way.

49
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<i>B-3.</i>

50
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RETIREMENT HOME
OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

51
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<i>A-4.</i>

52
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C-2.

53
00:02:56,876 --> 00:02:57,834
Nothing yet?

54
00:02:57,918 --> 00:02:59,293
Let's keep drawing then.

55
00:03:00,418 --> 00:03:02,293
-B-2.
-Bingo!

56
00:03:02,376 --> 00:03:05,001
I have bingo! See that, Boner?

57
00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:07,043
That's how you play--

58
00:03:07,126 --> 00:03:09,043
And it looks like,
we have our next winner.

59
00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,001
Natan has won the game once again.

60
00:03:11,084 --> 00:03:14,418
The prize Natan receives for this round:
a hospital bedpan.

61
00:03:14,501 --> 00:03:15,501
Oh, that is awesome!

62
00:03:15,584 --> 00:03:17,293
I was about to get up
and go to the bathroom,

63
00:03:17,376 --> 00:03:19,543
but now I don't even have to move
from my chair.

64
00:03:23,626 --> 00:03:25,834
NATIVE - CHEAP AND TASTY
NOW FLAVORED

65
00:03:47,543 --> 00:03:48,793
Hey, boss, all clear.

66
00:03:52,459 --> 00:03:54,834
If it isn't Bogdan Boner.

67
00:03:54,918 --> 00:03:56,793
I hope all that booze
you drank over the years

68
00:03:56,876 --> 00:03:59,584
didn't burn out all your brain cells
and you still recognize…

69
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your old "amigo."

70
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Oh shit-balls…

71
00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:03,709
I'm sure you are probably wondering

72
00:04:03,793 --> 00:04:08,459
why I didn't take the time to kill you
at any point during all these years.

73
00:04:08,543 --> 00:04:11,293
Let me tell you…
Pietro, plug your ears now.

74
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Well, to be honest,
I am ashamed to admit this,

75
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but you were simply
way too clever for me to kill you.

76
00:04:16,793 --> 00:04:18,043
But now that you are…

77
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Pietro, you can unplug your ears now.

78
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Pietro, ears!

79
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Pietro!

80
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What a moron.

81
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:28,293
What? Uh, is it okay now?

82
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Ahh, but now that you are old,
crippled, and decomposing,

83
00:04:32,209 --> 00:04:34,418
it should be a piece of cake to kill you.

84
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:38,084
And to honor the long standing friendship
that you and I have shared,

85
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I have a little going away present
to give you.

86
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That's right.
This is a fucking time bomb, baby!

87
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Pietro will help you mount it
underneath your ass.

88
00:04:48,251 --> 00:04:49,918
Well, it's been real nice, Boner,

89
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but it looks like it's time to blow off
that stupid face of yours.

90
00:04:54,584 --> 00:04:59,043
It's time for me to go.
I will see you in Hell, motherfucker! Bye!

91
00:05:07,709 --> 00:05:12,959
Okay, now a gag for your mouth,
so you can't scream for any help.

92
00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:16,876
And finally, the time bomb
set for 30 seconds.

93
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Time… Start.

94
00:05:19,626 --> 00:05:21,709
Goodbye, exorcist old friend.

95
00:05:21,793 --> 00:05:23,543
Goodbye, you legend.

96
00:05:23,626 --> 00:05:25,084
It has been a real honor.

97
00:05:25,168 --> 00:05:27,876
Oh crap, 20 seconds!
Okay, I'm getting the fuck out. See ya!

98
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A-1.

99
00:05:33,251 --> 00:05:34,584
Nothing yet, huh?

100
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B-4.

101
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,959
Ahh, this is so cool! This is so exciting!

102
00:05:40,043 --> 00:05:41,668
I'm about to have another bingo.

103
00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:44,459
I wish I had decided to move
into this nursing home a lot sooner.

104
00:05:44,543 --> 00:05:45,709
It's fantastic here.

105
00:05:45,793 --> 00:05:47,709
-C-1.
-Oh wow, bingo--

106
00:05:47,793 --> 00:05:49,918
Boner, you madman!

107
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,459
What are you doing scooping me up
like that? I had a bingo!

108
00:05:57,209 --> 00:05:59,584
What? Oh no, it's a bomb!

109
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SEWAGE DISPOSAL

110
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Phew! That was way-way too close
for comfort.

111
00:06:10,293 --> 00:06:12,626
-What did you say?
-Fucking hell!

112
00:06:12,709 --> 00:06:14,293
Ah, you want me to cut the cable tie.

113
00:06:14,376 --> 00:06:17,876
Thankfully, even in my old age,
I still carry around my crucifix-dagger.

114
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There.

115
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DELICIOUS VODKA

116
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It is a miracle that your body
hasn't completely shut down

117
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,876
from all the booze you have consumed
over the years.

118
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EXORCIST OFFICE /
RENOVATION CONSTRUCTION SERVICES DOMINO

119
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What about him?

120
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Take that body to the garbage disposal.
But first, take out the atomic battery.

121
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That thing is more expensive
than your yearly salary.

122
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,376
And you know that I pay you quite a lot.

123
00:06:38,459 --> 00:06:39,626
Cyberdemon.

124
00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:42,959
I wonder what they'll
come up with next in Hell?

125
00:06:43,043 --> 00:06:44,709
-Oh, what, no way.
-What happened now?

126
00:06:44,793 --> 00:06:47,543
Someone just sent me
a low-res MP3 voice memo via A.I.M.

127
00:06:47,626 --> 00:06:49,084
-Via what?
-Who the hell is using

128
00:06:49,168 --> 00:06:51,418
AOL Instant Messenger in the year 2050?

129
00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:54,626
Is fucking George Washington attempting
to get in contact with me or something?

130
00:06:54,709 --> 00:06:56,709
Don't open it, boss.
What if it's some sort of trap?

131
00:06:56,793 --> 00:06:58,293
A Trojan or maybe something much worse.

132
00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,376
Don't shit in your pants.

133
00:06:59,459 --> 00:07:03,209
I may not always flaunt my salary,
but I can definitely afford antivirus.

134
00:07:03,293 --> 00:07:05,834
<i> Okay, listen up, dickheads.</i>
<i>It's Bogdan Boner.</i>

135
00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:10,001
<i>Beelzebutt somehow found out where</i>
<i>I have been spending my retirement.</i>

136
00:07:10,709 --> 00:07:13,584
<i>I managed to survive</i>
<i>the first attempt at assassination.</i>

137
00:07:13,668 --> 00:07:15,793
<i>But I'm afraid that it isn't over yet.</i>

138
00:07:16,543 --> 00:07:18,501
<i>I need you both to help me.</i>

139
00:07:18,584 --> 00:07:22,501
<i>I am at a nursing home</i>
<i>called Oldie But a Goodie.</i>

140
00:07:22,584 --> 00:07:26,209
<i>Help me. Remember how much</i>
<i>you owe me from the past.</i>

141
00:07:26,293 --> 00:07:27,293
<i>I'm waiting.</i>

142
00:07:27,376 --> 00:07:29,543
Oh no, that is all I fucking needed.

143
00:07:29,626 --> 00:07:31,043
Now we have to drive to the airport

144
00:07:31,126 --> 00:07:33,293
and spend an hour and a half on a bus
from Mars to Earth.

145
00:07:33,376 --> 00:07:34,668
"How much you owe me," bullshit.

146
00:07:34,751 --> 00:07:37,626
The only thing I owe him is having
my top front teeth knocked out.

147
00:07:37,709 --> 00:07:39,876
Then I'll block the bastard,
and the problem's over.

148
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,543
-Hold on now, boss.
-What?

149
00:07:41,626 --> 00:07:43,501
It honestly doesn't feel right
to ignore him.

150
00:07:43,584 --> 00:07:45,043
What if there's a day in the future

151
00:07:45,126 --> 00:07:47,251
when you and I get really old,
and we need similar help?

152
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:50,209
I'm totally going to regret this.

153
00:07:50,293 --> 00:07:52,626
<i>Warning, virus detected!</i>

154
00:07:52,709 --> 00:07:55,043
<i>To remove the threat</i>
<i>purchase premium subscrip…</i>

155
00:08:08,876 --> 00:08:11,668
AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY

156
00:08:11,751 --> 00:08:14,293
LAUNDRY

157
00:08:15,376 --> 00:08:18,209
Why oh why
do I just keep underestimating you?

158
00:08:18,293 --> 00:08:21,001
I don't know how you managed
to get away from that explosion,

159
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:24,793
but I promise you this time
it is not going to be that easy.

160
00:08:24,876 --> 00:08:27,293
Because this time
I’m going to see to it personally

161
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,918
that your execution goes off
exactly as planned.

162
00:08:31,876 --> 00:08:34,168
Oh Jesus, I was holding my breath
way too long.

163
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:35,209
Look at this.

164
00:08:35,293 --> 00:08:37,876
This right here
is a high powered plasma bomb!

165
00:08:37,959 --> 00:08:41,209
When it detonates, it would generate
a temperature so damn high

166
00:08:41,293 --> 00:08:44,918
that it could even completely destroy
someone who is immortal.

167
00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:47,209
Such as myself, which is a great example.

168
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:48,459
But unfortunately for you,

169
00:08:48,543 --> 00:08:51,459
you're going to be the one holding onto
this powerful plasma toy

170
00:08:51,543 --> 00:08:52,543
during the explosion.

171
00:08:52,626 --> 00:08:55,709
E-Excuse my boldness, Your Villainous
and Your Devilishness,

172
00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:57,209
but we should try and hurry.

173
00:08:57,293 --> 00:08:58,876
Shut up, you stupid bastard.

174
00:08:58,959 --> 00:09:02,459
You realize it is up to me
to decide whether to hurry up or not.

175
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,501
Now hurry up with that bomb, you idiot.

176
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:15,459
-Ready. It's gonna explode soon.
-That is just perfect.

177
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:17,959
Now record it with your phone.
I want to remember this.

178
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,293
What? Who the hell could this be?

179
00:09:21,709 --> 00:09:23,876
CHEAPBUS - 29,99 ZLOTY
EARTH-MARS

180
00:09:23,959 --> 00:09:25,293
Thank you, goodbye.

181
00:09:25,376 --> 00:09:26,668
Fucking lah-de-dah.

182
00:09:26,751 --> 00:09:28,626
You punch me in the face
to make me land here,

183
00:09:28,709 --> 00:09:31,334
rather than walking half a kilometer
from the bus stop, bitch.

184
00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:35,209
Long time, Mr. Boner. Hang on.

185
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,501
Why are you tied up like that, sir?

186
00:09:39,209 --> 00:09:41,876
And why do you need
this ticking time bomb right here?

187
00:09:41,959 --> 00:09:44,459
Oh, shit. Marcin,
this is totally a trap!

188
00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:46,584
But really? Now?

189
00:09:46,668 --> 00:09:48,376
Pietro, take care of it.

190
00:09:50,668 --> 00:09:53,126
Hey, sonny! Leave that bomb right there.
Is it yours?

191
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,543
Boss, do your thing.
I'll take care of this.

192
00:09:57,126 --> 00:09:59,043
Why, you son of a…

193
00:09:59,126 --> 00:10:00,293
Oh Jesus! Wait, you--

194
00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:04,584
It looks like
I have to do everything myself!

195
00:10:05,626 --> 00:10:07,293
Give me that explosive!

196
00:10:09,293 --> 00:10:11,459
Now what will you do, motherfucker?

197
00:10:16,209 --> 00:10:20,126
Domino! No

198
00:10:21,709 --> 00:10:24,959
Uh-oh! Sir, it wasn't my fault.
Goodbye now.

199
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:29,293
Phew. Well, thankfully, that's over
and everything turned out to be a-okay.

200
00:10:29,376 --> 00:10:31,959
You're welcome.
Now you owe us 30,000 zloty.

201
00:10:32,043 --> 00:10:33,876
-How much?
-Including the invoice.

202
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,793
Plus, every paycheck you didn’t pay me.

203
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,209
And with compound interest.

204
00:10:37,293 --> 00:10:39,293
Uh…

205
00:10:40,376 --> 00:10:42,001
And that's why, in my humble opinion,

206
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:44,918
I think that we should get our paychecks
on time every other week.

207
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:45,959
That's right.

208
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,918
Although you don't actually ever pay me,

209
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,293
I would also prefer
that we get our paychecks on time.

210
00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:51,209
METROPOLITAN BEER

211
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,584
Er… What? What did you say?
Sorry, I was taking a nap.

212
00:10:53,668 --> 00:10:56,376
I was listening up until some Maks guy
started writing on his watch.

213
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,543
-Hmm. That's weird.
-What happened, boss?

214
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,501
It looks like Mieszko just sent me
some kind of weird audio file.

215
00:11:03,584 --> 00:11:06,209
But I really thought that man
had been dead for a long time now.

216
00:11:06,293 --> 00:11:08,876
<i>Master Boner, make haste!</i>

217
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:12,751
<i>There's no time for a dissertation!</i>
<i>The land of our fathers is in a quagmire!</i>

218
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,709
<i>Soon, an emissary will bring tidings.</i>

219
00:11:15,793 --> 00:11:18,584
<i>I await you in the castle-town of Gniezno.</i>

220
00:11:18,668 --> 00:11:19,543
<i>Farewell!</i>

221
00:11:25,459 --> 00:11:27,418
Why are you all just standing there,
you morons?

222
00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:30,001
Get in the time machine already.
Poland's calling.

223
00:11:30,709 --> 00:11:31,543
THE END