NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
THE POSSESSED
It's here. Take your shit and let's go.
I feel creepy when I enter places like this one.
I sort of desensitized myself from this holy crap,
but a slight discomfort is still there.
As if a pedophile entered a senior home.
If you don't shut up, you'll feel my foot entering your ass.
Come on, boss. Chill out-- Ouch!
I feel fine. Look, no runny nose.
And I was sure I'd need some nose spray.
Stay put, Domino, it's holy water!
Are you crazy?
Wait... No itching, no rash.
I did pee in my pants but that's because of fear.
Hooray, I can resist it. Ouch.
Hello, father Matthew, the construction crew is here!
Something isn't right here. There is no cross.
They took it down for painting.
Look at the mark on the wall, boss.
You're right.
We better wait outside.
It's an ambush!
How do you know, genius?
'Cause you're about to die!
Prince Matthew, is this you?
In the flesh only but the spirit of a moron
has been replaced by the spirit of an idiot.
Why?
In the eternal fight between good and evil there are no winners,
though Satan is winning by points since his are the away games.
Get ready to die, bunch of condoms!
Oh shit, we're not armed. Retreat!
Why didn't you bring your gun?
Do you bring flowers when you come to a whorehouse?
Wait, I've got an idea!
Why don't you embrace the major attack while I take him out by surprise.
As you order!
WHITE LADY
Shoot that machine gun as if it was your weenie.
Bam, bam! And the ammo's over!
OK, no more love making!
Good bye!
Jesus!
Run away...
Forget it, little devil. You've lost.
Boner, it's me... Matthew...
Mati? Wait? Where's the demon?
I'm here, loser!
Take it easy, boss.
You don't have to kill us.
If you spare us, I'll give up that last raise you gave me!
Yeah, me too. Though I'd have to get one first.
I'll be better off if I just bludgeon you all to death!
Follow me, Marcin, I've got an idea!
What is it?
We'll pretend to be sheep!
They're protected so he can't kill us!
Moron!
Let's hide in the privy!
Stupid rams. Rams are not protected!
Off it flies like a soy burger to the dumpster!
Shit, I didn't expect that.
Come on, Domino. It's our last chance!
You made a mistake.
I was just gonna kill you,
but you're getting your ass kicked for the truck, too.
May this speed inflating speed radar feed generously this town's treasury
in exchange for which the town won't forget to support our church.
In the name of the Father, the Son...
-Hello. -Devil!
Father, please...
Please, shut up!
It's a sin to interrupt a holy rite!
And what is this other dork doing here?
He flushed out my customers. Luckily they already paid.
Sorry, it's urgent. The boss got possessed!
He had it coming.
That's what happens when an amateur takes on a priest's job.
-Who possessed him? -Don't know.
Some reddish, with fish-scale skin and a horn on his forehead.
The unicockhorn! You should start looking for a new job then.
There's really no way to defeat the unicockhorn?
Yes, a bullet to the head.
Boner's head, of course, so that the demon dies along.
But how?
What about exorcisms? We'll pay. I mean the boss will pay when he gets better.
Sorry, boys, but I'm not qualified to run exorcisms on unicockhorns.
This is the mightiest of demons.
There's only one person in the world who can expel a unicockhorn from a body,
but I doubt he's available and even if he is,
there is no certainty it will actually work.
But firstly I can make a phone call so people won't say I didn't try.
Sorry. The line's busy.
A bottle to stay and nobody's gonna get hurt.
Here. 18.50.
Put it on my tab.
-I'm afraid I can't. -Are you?
Next time do what I say and you'll get to keep your teeth!
What's up losers? Get out! The store's closed!
Let's run. He's a psycho!
Wait, Andrzej. I left my wine.
Come on, Krzychu, save your life!
Jesus, this stuff is so good.
Why didn't I figure it out earlier?
I could've been drinking back in pre-school.
Wait, Juras. We actually have the same kind of needs.
I'd do the same thing in that store.
You didn't have to possess me nor tie me up.
-Shut up or I'll punch you. -Like you didn't get hit.
You were lucky to take me by surprise or you'd be down here, all tied up.
Who cares about the style. It's the score that counts.
It's true, I do root for the German national team,
but shut up now 'cause I need to focus.
Let's call the boss. What's his number?
Area code +666
and then 666 66... 7...
Hello, good morning, your motherfuckerness.
It's special agent Jerzy Nać.
I report the mission has been fucking accomplished!
Really? You've possessed Boner!
I sure did. I'm sending you a pic right now.
Excellent!
-Waiting for your orders. -OK, Juras. Get some paper and take notes!
One sec. OK.
Go do evil!
Go... Shit, How do you spell it?
Go... do... evil...
Done.
-What's that noise? -It's just the cops.
So it's your chance to shine. See you.
Attention, it's the police. Come out with your hands above your head.
You're surrounded. You can't escape.
I can't believe it. He's coming out. It must've been my serious voice.
Damn it. Brand new patrol cars, only a few years old. Retreat!
Yeah, keep running!
OK, good. Got some liquor, time for a keb.
Off we go!
Here you are. Two mega hot on thick, no charge of course!
Oh, no, tell me how much!
-I'm serious. It's on the house. -Say, how much!
-28 zloty! -You must be dreaming!
This city is mine!
Are you sure?
Motherfucker, papacopter!
Hello, unicockhorn. And farewell!
Blazing holy water all over the place!
Father, you need to try harder!
Try to block this!
Oh, shit!
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Spirit!
Oh, shit, block!
Secret punch, wait, how did it go?
Up, up, down, high punch!
I can't see!
Relax, soon you will see... light at the end of the tunnel!
Easy stuff, like in the tutorial!
And the fatality with a dumpster!
[in Latin] In the name of Jesus Christ! Leave this body, demon!
Television sucks, Netflix rules!
Go fuck yourself, you deepshit loser.
He wasted two sandwiches like some sort of a jerk.
And they were both on me. Get off me!
You're dead!
Victory!
This is what I needed.
Office work has its advantages, but it feels really good
to be out on the street and kick some ass. Like in the catholic seminary.
So, would you care to come in for a drink?
With pleasure, but let's have a short video chat first.
-What's up, Juras? -Not good, boss...
Wait, why aren't you inside this asshole's body?
It wasn't comfortable for both of us.
Not enough room inside this brain.
Boner! It isn't over yet!
THE END