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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
4
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THE POSSESSED
5
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-[brakes screeching]
-[van clanking]
6
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[Boner] We're here.
Grab your gear, and let's go.
7
00:00:26,376 --> 00:00:28,918
I always feel weird
when I enter places like this.
8
00:00:29,001 --> 00:00:31,709
I've sort of desensitized myself
to holy stuff,
9
00:00:31,793 --> 00:00:33,918
but there's still a bit
of discomfort, I guess.
10
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:37,001
Kind of like if a scatophile
were standing at a urinal.
11
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My foot is about to enter your ass
if you don't shut up, freakin' idiot.
12
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Goddammit, boss, take it easy.
13
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-[Boner kicks]
-Owie!
14
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[door creaking]
15
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Look at that. I seem fine. Check it out.
16
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[sniffing] No runny nose or itchy eyes.
17
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And here I thought I was going
to need some nasal spray.
18
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Domino, think fast! Holy water!
19
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Holy shit, are you crazy?
20
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Hey. No itch, no intense burning…
21
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I just peed a little,
22
00:01:05,918 --> 00:01:08,834
but no doubt that's just because
I was really freaked out.
23
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Hooray, I'm immune to it! Ouch!
24
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Hello, Father Mateusz?
25
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The renovation crew you asked for is here!
26
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Boss. Something's not right here.
There's no cross.
27
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They took it down for painting.
28
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But, boss, you should take a look
at the mark that it left behind.
29
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[suspenseful music plays]
30
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I think that you're right.
31
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Okay, fine, we better go wait outside.
32
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[door slams]
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[dramatic music playing]
34
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It's an unholy trap!
35
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Gee, how'd you figure
that out, genius asshole?
36
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[demonic voice]
'Cause you're about to die!
37
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Uh, Father Mateusz, is that you?
38
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Only in the flesh, asshole.
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00:01:51,084 --> 00:01:52,418
But the mind of this moron
40
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has been taken over
by the mind of a brilliant idiot!
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Okay, but why, though?
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In the eternal fight
between good and evil,
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there are no winners,
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but Satan is always kind of in the lead
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since he is always playing away games.
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Get ready to die,
you bunch of fucking condoms!
47
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Dammit, we didn't bring
any weapons with us! Retreat!
48
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[gun firing]
49
00:02:19,251 --> 00:02:22,168
Boss, why the hell didn't
you think to bring your gun?
50
00:02:22,251 --> 00:02:25,418
Oh, I'm sorry, do you bring flowers
with you when you visit the whore house?
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Wait, I have an idea!
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You two idiots distract him
from the front,
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and I will go around the back
and surprise him.
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Yes, sir!
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[firing continues]
56
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[malevolent laugh]
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Shoot that gun like it's your dick!
Make it fast!
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[imitates machine-gun fire]
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Oh, I'm out of ammunition.
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Okay then,
enough of this gentle lovemaking.
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Say goodbye now!
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Oh Jesus!
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[exploding]
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[groans] Run for your lives.
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It's time for your sorry ass to go.
You're out of here, demon.
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Boner, it's me.
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Mateusz.
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Mateusz?
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00:03:12,584 --> 00:03:13,459
Hey, hold on.
70
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So then, where'd the fuck the demon go?
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I'm right here, you rotten loser!
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[groans, farts]
73
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Uh… Boss?
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Take it easy now.
75
00:03:24,793 --> 00:03:26,293
-You don't have to kill us.
-Oh!
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Yeah, boss! If you spare us both of us,
I'll go ahead and give up my last raise.
77
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Yeah, me too! Although I'd have to get
a paycheck first since I work for free.
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-[nervous chuckle]
-I would be better off
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bludgeoning you both to death right here.
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[growls]
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Marcin, let's go.
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I've got an idea!
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What are you waiting for? Tell me!
84
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We are gonna pretend to be sheep!
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They are a protected species
so he can't kill us!
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Moron!
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[roars and growls]
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Marcin, let's hide
in that weird porta-potty!
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[baas like a sheep]
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You morons!
91
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The rams aren't under protection!
92
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Off it flies like a soy burger
into a dumpster!
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Goddammit, I didn't see that coming.
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Come on, Domino. This is our chance!
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-[engine starts]
-[tires screeching]
96
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And there's your mistake.
97
00:04:21,126 --> 00:04:24,251
I was only going to kill you,
but I'll kick your ass
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for stealing my favorite work van.
99
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[dramatic music playing]
100
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And may this traffic camera live long
101
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and generously contribute
to the funds of this parish's budget,
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whose people hopefully won't forget
to support the church and God.
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In the name of the Father,
and the Son, and…
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[brakes squealing]
105
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Hello there.
106
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-[people screaming]
-A demon!
107
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Father, please, please, please…
108
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Shut up! You just committed a sin!
109
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Interrupting a sacred
holy prayer like that
110
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And what's with this other blockhead?
111
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He scared off my customers.
You are lucky that they had already paid.
112
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I'm sorry, but it's an emergency.
The boss is possessed!
113
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Agh! He knew it would finally get
what was coming to him.
114
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That's what happens when an amateur tries
to take on a priest's job.
115
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-Who's the demon?
-I don't know.
116
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A big, reddish guy, covered in scales.
With a horn on his forehead.
117
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It is the dreaded unicockhorn!
118
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You should just cut your losses now
and look for a new job.
119
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Isn't there any way at all
to defeat a Unicockhorn?
120
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You betcha. Bullet to the head.
Boner's head, of course.
121
00:05:24,626 --> 00:05:26,543
But when you kill the demon,
Boner dies, too.
122
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You're kidding, right?
123
00:05:27,959 --> 00:05:30,376
What about performing an exorcism
on him instead?
124
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We're prepared to pay. I mean,
the boss will pay when he gets better.
125
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Hate to tell you this, boys,
126
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but I'm not authorized
to perform an exorcism on a unicockhorn.
127
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It is the most mightiest
of all the demons.
128
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There is really only one person
in the world that I know of
129
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who can expel the mighty unicockhorn demon
from the body of a miserable creature,
130
00:05:47,376 --> 00:05:49,959
and plus, secundo,
I doubt he has the time,
131
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and then tertio,
there is no guarantee it will even work.
132
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So, but hey, primo,
133
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I can make a call
so that nobody can accuse me
134
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of not taking the appropriate action.
135
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Line's busy. That's too bad.
136
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LIQUOR UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE SELECTION
137
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[Boner] Half a liter of vodka for here
and nobody gets hurt!
138
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-[man] Um, here.
-[barcode reader beeps]
139
00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:13,709
-That'll be eighteen fifty.
-[Boner] I'll take it on the cuff.
140
00:06:13,793 --> 00:06:16,168
-I'm sorry, but you can't… [screams]
-[Boner] You scum!
141
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:19,126
Next time do as I say
and you'll get to keep your teeth!
142
00:06:19,793 --> 00:06:23,501
What's up, losers?
Get out. The store's closed! [growls]
143
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[man 1] Let's run, he's mental!
144
00:06:25,459 --> 00:06:27,251
[man 2] Andrzej, wait, I left my wine!
145
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:30,543
[Andrzej] Krzychu, leave it.
Save your life!
146
00:06:30,626 --> 00:06:34,459
[sighs] Ah. Jesus,
this stuff is fuckin' awesome.
147
00:06:34,543 --> 00:06:37,293
Why didn't anyone tell me
about this good shit sooner?
148
00:06:37,376 --> 00:06:40,084
Hell, I could have started drinking
way back in preschool.
149
00:06:40,168 --> 00:06:42,168
[ominous music playing]
150
00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:45,876
Juras, hold on now.
151
00:06:45,959 --> 00:06:48,543
It looks like we have something in common
by having the same needs!
152
00:06:48,626 --> 00:06:52,168
Seriously, buddy, I would have acted
the exact same way in that liquor store.
153
00:06:52,251 --> 00:06:55,126
You really didn't have to possess me
or keep me tied up in here.
154
00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:56,876
Silence or I'll punch you again!
155
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,293
Yeah, like you didn't get punched.
156
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,084
You are so fucking lucky that
I thought you were an ugly delivery guy
157
00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:03,959
and you took me by surprise,
or you'd be the one lying here--
158
00:07:04,043 --> 00:07:06,626
Shut up, you annoying asshole.
I need to focus.
159
00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:09,501
It's extremely important
I report back to Beelzebutt.
160
00:07:09,584 --> 00:07:11,626
But shut up now. I need to take a shit.
161
00:07:11,709 --> 00:07:13,126
I mean, uh, focus.
162
00:07:13,209 --> 00:07:14,918
Okay, let's call the boss man.
163
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,251
Wait, what was his number?
164
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:20,709
Pretty sure the area code is plus 666.
165
00:07:20,793 --> 00:07:27,168
And then, 666-666-667.
166
00:07:28,001 --> 00:07:29,126
Hello?
167
00:07:29,209 --> 00:07:30,876
Good morning, Your Exquisite Evilness.
168
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:32,876
This is Special Agent Jerzy Nać.
169
00:07:32,959 --> 00:07:35,668
Reporting that the task
has been fucking accomplished!
170
00:07:35,751 --> 00:07:38,251
Get outta town!
You've possessed that asshole Boner.
171
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:39,668
Yes, sir, I sure as hell did.
172
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:42,251
Check your texts,
I'm sending you a photo now.
173
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:43,376
[clicking]
174
00:07:43,459 --> 00:07:44,459
[sending text]
175
00:07:44,543 --> 00:07:45,459
[phone chimes]
176
00:07:46,043 --> 00:07:48,709
[evil chuckle]
177
00:07:48,793 --> 00:07:50,876
This is excellent news, Juras!
178
00:07:50,959 --> 00:07:52,126
I shall await your orders.
179
00:07:52,209 --> 00:07:54,543
Okay, kiddo. Grab some paper
and take notes!
180
00:07:54,626 --> 00:07:55,501
One sec…
181
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,959
-Okay.
-Proceed to do evil!
182
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,084
"Proceed…"
183
00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:01,668
Damn, how do you spell that?
184
00:08:01,751 --> 00:08:03,251
Oh, okay right, with an "s,"
185
00:08:03,334 --> 00:08:06,501
-"Proseed… to do… evil."
-[police siren wailing]
186
00:08:06,584 --> 00:08:08,751
-Okay, I wrote it down.
-What's that siren?
187
00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:10,793
Nothing major. It's just the cops.
188
00:08:10,876 --> 00:08:12,876
So, you have a chance to prove yourself.
189
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:13,876
See ya.
190
00:08:13,959 --> 00:08:15,793
[line disconnects]
191
00:08:15,876 --> 00:08:17,793
[over megaphone]
Attention, this is the police.
192
00:08:17,876 --> 00:08:20,043
Come out with your hands above your head.
193
00:08:20,126 --> 00:08:21,709
You're completely surrdounded…
194
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:22,959
[clears throat] …surrounded.
195
00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:24,626
You have no means of escape!
196
00:08:25,209 --> 00:08:27,209
[dramatic music plays]
197
00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:30,209
Oh my God.
I can't believe it. He listened!
198
00:08:30,293 --> 00:08:32,959
Right, it's because I spoke
in a grim manner, so he got scared.
199
00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:39,334
Goddammit it! Those were brand-new
patrol cars, only a few years old.
200
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:40,709
Retreat!
201
00:08:40,793 --> 00:08:42,876
[chuckles] That's right. Keep on running!
202
00:08:42,959 --> 00:08:44,168
[chuckles] Okay.
203
00:08:44,251 --> 00:08:47,001
Where there's lots of liquor,
there's lots of kebabs.
204
00:08:47,084 --> 00:08:48,543
Let's go already.
205
00:08:48,626 --> 00:08:51,834
Um, here you go.
Two mega-hot ones on thick pita bread.
206
00:08:51,918 --> 00:08:53,084
No charge. It's on the house.
207
00:08:53,168 --> 00:08:55,376
Oh no. Please, tell me how much I owe.
208
00:08:55,459 --> 00:08:56,959
No, no, really, it's on the house.
209
00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:59,626
-Tell me!
-[sighs] Twenty-eight zlotys.
210
00:08:59,709 --> 00:09:01,043
In your dreams!
211
00:09:01,668 --> 00:09:02,584
[screams]
212
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,876
[laughs evilly]
213
00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:07,334
This whole city is all mine!
214
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:11,043
-[man] Are you sure about that?
-[whirring]
215
00:09:11,126 --> 00:09:13,043
Motherfucker, Papacopter!
216
00:09:13,126 --> 00:09:15,126
[action music playing]
217
00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:19,793
Hello, unicockhorn. And farewell!
218
00:09:19,876 --> 00:09:23,043
Blazing holy water, hallelujah!
219
00:09:24,126 --> 00:09:25,001
[chuckles]
220
00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:26,959
Father, you really need
to be trying harder
221
00:09:27,043 --> 00:09:28,209
if you want to defeat me!
222
00:09:28,293 --> 00:09:30,793
Block this unicockhorn!
223
00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:34,334
Oh shitballs.
224
00:09:34,876 --> 00:09:35,709
[groans]
225
00:09:36,834 --> 00:09:37,959
[grunts]
226
00:09:38,043 --> 00:09:40,876
In the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Spirit!
227
00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,959
Oh dammit.
Block, block, block, block, block!
228
00:09:43,043 --> 00:09:46,126
Damn, the secret combo.
Up, up, down, high punch!
229
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:48,584
[grunting]
230
00:09:51,293 --> 00:09:52,376
[grunts]
231
00:09:56,709 --> 00:09:57,626
[groans]
232
00:09:57,709 --> 00:09:59,126
I can't see!
233
00:09:59,209 --> 00:10:01,334
Relax, you're just about to see.
234
00:10:01,418 --> 00:10:03,418
A bright light at the end of the tunnel!
235
00:10:03,501 --> 00:10:05,126
-[grunts]
-[laughing]
236
00:10:05,209 --> 00:10:07,376
Easy-peasy, like in the tutorial.
237
00:10:08,376 --> 00:10:10,334
[grunting]
238
00:10:11,876 --> 00:10:13,001
[groaning]
239
00:10:13,626 --> 00:10:16,834
[laughs] And now a dumpster fatality!
240
00:10:16,918 --> 00:10:18,209
[laughs, groans]
241
00:10:20,709 --> 00:10:23,501
[grunts] In the name of Jesus Christ!
242
00:10:24,001 --> 00:10:27,043
Leave this body, you miserable demon!
243
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,001
Television sucks ass!
244
00:10:29,084 --> 00:10:31,293
Netflix is king!
245
00:10:31,376 --> 00:10:33,209
Fuck off, squirt!
You fucking loser!
246
00:10:33,293 --> 00:10:36,001
Goddammit, you wasted
two perfectly good kebabs like a jerk.
247
00:10:36,084 --> 00:10:38,459
And they were both meant for me.
Get the fuck out!
248
00:10:39,043 --> 00:10:39,959
[laughs]
249
00:10:40,043 --> 00:10:42,001
You're so fucking dead!
250
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:43,126
[grunts]
251
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:45,793
Victory! Fuck yeah!
252
00:10:45,876 --> 00:10:48,334
Ah, this is what I needed.
253
00:10:48,418 --> 00:10:50,209
Working behind a desk has advantages,
254
00:10:50,293 --> 00:10:52,959
but it's fun to be
out on the streets sometimes,
255
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,001
kicking some serious ass.
256
00:10:55,084 --> 00:10:56,293
Like back in Seminary.
257
00:10:56,376 --> 00:10:59,084
Anyway, you wanna grab a drink, or…
258
00:10:59,168 --> 00:11:00,168
Gladly.
259
00:11:00,251 --> 00:11:03,668
But before we go, there's a video call
I gotta make real quick.
260
00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:06,168
[playing game on phone]
261
00:11:06,251 --> 00:11:08,001
[phone ringing]
262
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:09,876
Yo, what up, Juras?
263
00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:11,376
The news isn't great, boss.
264
00:11:11,459 --> 00:11:14,626
Wait, why aren't you inside
that stupid asshole's body?
265
00:11:14,709 --> 00:11:17,793
-[gun fires]
-It wasn't comfortable for us.
266
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:19,334
This brain right here?
267
00:11:19,418 --> 00:11:21,543
It's really not very roomy.
268
00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:22,543
[screen cracks]
269
00:11:22,626 --> 00:11:23,876
[growls]
270
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:25,543
God damn you, Boner!
271
00:11:25,626 --> 00:11:31,376
[shouting] This isn't over!
272
00:11:31,459 --> 00:11:32,293
THE END
273
00:11:32,376 --> 00:11:34,459
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
274
00:11:34,543 --> 00:11:37,543
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
275
00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:40,751
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
276
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,793
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
277
00:11:43,876 --> 00:11:48,709
[malevolent laugh]