A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
[theme music playing]
CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
THE POSSESSED
-[brakes screeching] -[van clanking]
[Boner] We're here. Grab your gear, and let's go.
I always feel weird when I enter places like this.
I've sort of desensitized myself to holy stuff,
but there's still a bit of discomfort, I guess.
Kind of like if a scatophile were standing at a urinal.
My foot is about to enter your ass if you don't shut up, freakin' idiot.
Goddammit, boss, take it easy.
-[Boner kicks] -Owie!
[door creaking]
Look at that. I seem fine. Check it out.
[sniffing] No runny nose or itchy eyes.
And here I thought I was going to need some nasal spray.
Domino, think fast! Holy water!
Holy shit, are you crazy?
Hey. No itch, no intense burning…
I just peed a little,
but no doubt that's just because I was really freaked out.
Hooray, I'm immune to it! Ouch!
Hello, Father Mateusz?
The renovation crew you asked for is here!
Boss. Something's not right here. There's no cross.
They took it down for painting.
But, boss, you should take a look at the mark that it left behind.
[suspenseful music plays]
I think that you're right.
Okay, fine, we better go wait outside.
[door slams]
[dramatic music playing]
It's an unholy trap!
Gee, how'd you figure that out, genius asshole?
[demonic voice] 'Cause you're about to die!
Uh, Father Mateusz, is that you?
Only in the flesh, asshole.
But the mind of this moron
has been taken over by the mind of a brilliant idiot!
Okay, but why, though?
In the eternal fight between good and evil,
there are no winners,
but Satan is always kind of in the lead
since he is always playing away games.
Get ready to die, you bunch of fucking condoms!
Dammit, we didn't bring any weapons with us! Retreat!
[gun firing]
Boss, why the hell didn't you think to bring your gun?
Oh, I'm sorry, do you bring flowers with you when you visit the whore house?
Wait, I have an idea!
You two idiots distract him from the front,
and I will go around the back and surprise him.
Yes, sir!
[firing continues]
[malevolent laugh]
Shoot that gun like it's your dick! Make it fast!
[imitates machine-gun fire]
Oh, I'm out of ammunition.
Okay then, enough of this gentle lovemaking.
Say goodbye now!
Oh Jesus!
[exploding]
[groans] Run for your lives.
It's time for your sorry ass to go. You're out of here, demon.
Boner, it's me.
Mateusz.
Mateusz?
Hey, hold on.
So then, where'd the fuck the demon go?
I'm right here, you rotten loser!
[groans, farts]
Uh… Boss?
Take it easy now.
-You don't have to kill us. -Oh!
Yeah, boss! If you spare us both of us, I'll go ahead and give up my last raise.
Yeah, me too! Although I'd have to get a paycheck first since I work for free.
-[nervous chuckle] -I would be better off
bludgeoning you both to death right here.
[growls]
Marcin, let's go.
I've got an idea!
What are you waiting for? Tell me!
We are gonna pretend to be sheep!
They are a protected species so he can't kill us!
Moron!
[roars and growls]
Marcin, let's hide in that weird porta-potty!
[baas like a sheep]
You morons!
The rams aren't under protection!
Off it flies like a soy burger into a dumpster!
Goddammit, I didn't see that coming.
Come on, Domino. This is our chance!
-[engine starts] -[tires screeching]
And there's your mistake.
I was only going to kill you, but I'll kick your ass
for stealing my favorite work van.
[dramatic music playing]
And may this traffic camera live long
and generously contribute to the funds of this parish's budget,
whose people hopefully won't forget to support the church and God.
In the name of the Father, and the Son, and…
[brakes squealing]
Hello there.
-[people screaming] -A demon!
Father, please, please, please…
Shut up! You just committed a sin!
Interrupting a sacred holy prayer like that
And what's with this other blockhead?
He scared off my customers. You are lucky that they had already paid.
I'm sorry, but it's an emergency. The boss is possessed!
Agh! He knew it would finally get what was coming to him.
That's what happens when an amateur tries to take on a priest's job.
-Who's the demon? -I don't know.
A big, reddish guy, covered in scales. With a horn on his forehead.
It is the dreaded unicockhorn!
You should just cut your losses now and look for a new job.
Isn't there any way at all to defeat a Unicockhorn?
You betcha. Bullet to the head. Boner's head, of course.
But when you kill the demon, Boner dies, too.
You're kidding, right?
What about performing an exorcism on him instead?
We're prepared to pay. I mean, the boss will pay when he gets better.
Hate to tell you this, boys,
but I'm not authorized to perform an exorcism on a unicockhorn.
It is the most mightiest of all the demons.
There is really only one person in the world that I know of
who can expel the mighty unicockhorn demon from the body of a miserable creature,
and plus, secundo, I doubt he has the time,
and then tertio, there is no guarantee it will even work.
So, but hey, primo,
I can make a call so that nobody can accuse me
of not taking the appropriate action.
Line's busy. That's too bad.
LIQUOR UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE SELECTION
[Boner] Half a liter of vodka for here and nobody gets hurt!
-[man] Um, here. -[barcode reader beeps]
-That'll be eighteen fifty. -[Boner] I'll take it on the cuff.
-I'm sorry, but you can't… [screams] -[Boner] You scum!
Next time do as I say and you'll get to keep your teeth!
What's up, losers? Get out. The store's closed! [growls]
[man 1] Let's run, he's mental!
[man 2] Andrzej, wait, I left my wine!
[Andrzej] Krzychu, leave it. Save your life!
[sighs] Ah. Jesus, this stuff is fuckin' awesome.
Why didn't anyone tell me about this good shit sooner?
Hell, I could have started drinking way back in preschool.
[ominous music playing]
Juras, hold on now.
It looks like we have something in common by having the same needs!
Seriously, buddy, I would have acted the exact same way in that liquor store.
You really didn't have to possess me or keep me tied up in here.
Silence or I'll punch you again!
Yeah, like you didn't get punched.
You are so fucking lucky that I thought you were an ugly delivery guy
and you took me by surprise, or you'd be the one lying here--
Shut up, you annoying asshole. I need to focus.
It's extremely important I report back to Beelzebutt.
But shut up now. I need to take a shit.
I mean, uh, focus.
Okay, let's call the boss man.
Wait, what was his number?
Pretty sure the area code is plus 666.
And then, 666-666-667.
Hello?
Good morning, Your Exquisite Evilness.
This is Special Agent Jerzy Nać.
Reporting that the task has been fucking accomplished!
Get outta town! You've possessed that asshole Boner.
Yes, sir, I sure as hell did.
Check your texts, I'm sending you a photo now.
[clicking]
[sending text]
[phone chimes]
[evil chuckle]
This is excellent news, Juras!
I shall await your orders.
Okay, kiddo. Grab some paper and take notes!
One sec…
-Okay. -Proceed to do evil!
"Proceed…"
Damn, how do you spell that?
Oh, okay right, with an "s,"
-"Proseed… to do… evil." -[police siren wailing]
-Okay, I wrote it down. -What's that siren?
Nothing major. It's just the cops.
So, you have a chance to prove yourself.
See ya.
[line disconnects]
[over megaphone] Attention, this is the police.
Come out with your hands above your head.
You're completely surrdounded…
[clears throat] …surrounded.
You have no means of escape!
[dramatic music plays]
Oh my God. I can't believe it. He listened!
Right, it's because I spoke in a grim manner, so he got scared.
Goddammit it! Those were brand-new patrol cars, only a few years old.
Retreat!
[chuckles] That's right. Keep on running!
[chuckles] Okay.
Where there's lots of liquor, there's lots of kebabs.
Let's go already.
Um, here you go. Two mega-hot ones on thick pita bread.
No charge. It's on the house.
Oh no. Please, tell me how much I owe.
No, no, really, it's on the house.
-Tell me! -[sighs] Twenty-eight zlotys.
In your dreams!
[screams]
[laughs evilly]
This whole city is all mine!
-[man] Are you sure about that? -[whirring]
Motherfucker, Papacopter!
[action music playing]
Hello, unicockhorn. And farewell!
Blazing holy water, hallelujah!
[chuckles]
Father, you really need to be trying harder
if you want to defeat me!
Block this unicockhorn!
Oh shitballs.
[groans]
[grunts]
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Spirit!
Oh dammit. Block, block, block, block, block!
Damn, the secret combo. Up, up, down, high punch!
[grunting]
[grunts]
[groans]
I can't see!
Relax, you're just about to see.
A bright light at the end of the tunnel!
-[grunts] -[laughing]
Easy-peasy, like in the tutorial.
[grunting]
[groaning]
[laughs] And now a dumpster fatality!
[laughs, groans]
[grunts] In the name of Jesus Christ!
Leave this body, you miserable demon!
Television sucks ass!
Netflix is king!
Fuck off, squirt! You fucking loser!
Goddammit, you wasted two perfectly good kebabs like a jerk.
And they were both meant for me. Get the fuck out!
[laughs]
You're so fucking dead!
[grunts]
Victory! Fuck yeah!
Ah, this is what I needed.
Working behind a desk has advantages,
but it's fun to be out on the streets sometimes,
kicking some serious ass.
Like back in Seminary.
Anyway, you wanna grab a drink, or…
Gladly.
But before we go, there's a video call I gotta make real quick.
[playing game on phone]
[phone ringing]
Yo, what up, Juras?
The news isn't great, boss.
Wait, why aren't you inside that stupid asshole's body?
-[gun fires] -It wasn't comfortable for us.
This brain right here?
It's really not very roomy.
[screen cracks]
[growls]
God damn you, Boner!
[shouting] This isn't over!
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]