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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
3
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THE POSSESSED
4
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We're here.
Grab your gear, and let's go.
5
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I always feel weird
when I enter places like this.
6
00:00:29,001 --> 00:00:31,709
I've sort of desensitized myself
to holy stuff,
7
00:00:31,793 --> 00:00:33,918
but there's still a bit
of discomfort, I guess.
8
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:37,001
Kind of like if a scatophile
were standing at a urinal.
9
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My foot is about to enter your ass
if you don't shut up, freakin' idiot.
10
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Goddammit, boss, take it easy.
11
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Owie!
12
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Look at that. I seem fine. Check it out.
13
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No runny nose or itchy eyes.
14
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And here I thought I was going
to need some nasal spray.
15
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Domino, think fast! Holy water!
16
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Holy shit, are you crazy?
17
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Hey. No itch, no intense burning…
18
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I just peed a little,
19
00:01:05,918 --> 00:01:08,834
but no doubt that's just because
I was really freaked out.
20
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Hooray, I'm immune to it! Ouch!
21
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Hello, Father Mateusz?
22
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:17,793
The renovation crew you asked for is here!
23
00:01:17,876 --> 00:01:21,959
Boss. Something's not right here.
There's no cross.
24
00:01:22,043 --> 00:01:23,626
They took it down for painting.
25
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:26,293
But, boss, you should take a look
at the mark that it left behind.
26
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I think that you're right.
27
00:01:30,418 --> 00:01:32,834
Okay, fine, we better go wait outside.
28
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It's an unholy trap!
29
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Gee, how'd you figure
that out, genius asshole?
30
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'Cause you're about to die!
31
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Uh, Father Mateusz, is that you?
32
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,001
Only in the flesh, asshole.
33
00:01:51,084 --> 00:01:52,418
But the mind of this moron
34
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has been taken over
by the mind of a brilliant idiot!
35
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Okay, but why, though?
36
00:01:57,709 --> 00:02:01,001
In the eternal fight
between good and evil,
37
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there are no winners,
38
00:02:02,834 --> 00:02:05,876
but Satan is always kind of in the lead
39
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since he is always playing away games.
40
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Get ready to die,
you bunch of fucking condoms!
41
00:02:12,126 --> 00:02:15,584
Dammit, we didn't bring
any weapons with us! Retreat!
42
00:02:19,251 --> 00:02:22,168
Boss, why the hell didn't
you think to bring your gun?
43
00:02:22,251 --> 00:02:25,418
Oh, I'm sorry, do you bring flowers
with you when you visit the whore house?
44
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:26,709
Wait, I have an idea!
45
00:02:26,793 --> 00:02:28,668
You two idiots distract him
from the front,
46
00:02:28,751 --> 00:02:30,918
and I will go around the back
and surprise him.
47
00:02:31,001 --> 00:02:31,876
Yes, sir!
48
00:02:44,001 --> 00:02:46,918
Shoot that gun like it's your dick!
Make it fast!
49
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:50,334
Oh, I'm out of ammunition.
50
00:02:50,418 --> 00:02:53,334
Okay then,
enough of this gentle lovemaking.
51
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Say goodbye now!
52
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Oh Jesus!
53
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Run for your lives.
54
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It's time for your sorry ass to go.
You're out of here, demon.
55
00:03:08,876 --> 00:03:10,334
Boner, it's me.
56
00:03:10,418 --> 00:03:11,376
Mateusz.
57
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:12,501
Mateusz?
58
00:03:12,584 --> 00:03:13,459
Hey, hold on.
59
00:03:13,543 --> 00:03:15,209
So then, where'd the fuck the demon go?
60
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I'm right here, you rotten loser!
61
00:03:20,959 --> 00:03:23,209
Uh… Boss?
62
00:03:23,293 --> 00:03:24,709
Take it easy now.
63
00:03:24,793 --> 00:03:26,293
-You don't have to kill us.
-Oh!
64
00:03:26,376 --> 00:03:29,501
Yeah, boss! If you spare us both of us,
I'll go ahead and give up my last raise.
65
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:32,751
Yeah, me too! Although I'd have to get
a paycheck first since I work for free.
66
00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:34,543
I would be better off
67
00:03:34,626 --> 00:03:37,251
bludgeoning you both to death right here.
68
00:03:38,543 --> 00:03:40,001
Marcin, let's go.
69
00:03:40,084 --> 00:03:41,209
I've got an idea!
70
00:03:41,293 --> 00:03:43,334
What are you waiting for? Tell me!
71
00:03:43,418 --> 00:03:45,209
We are gonna pretend to be sheep!
72
00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:48,209
They are a protected species
so he can't kill us!
73
00:03:48,293 --> 00:03:49,459
Moron!
74
00:03:52,459 --> 00:03:55,293
Marcin, let's hide
in that weird porta-potty!
75
00:04:00,751 --> 00:04:02,168
You morons!
76
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The rams aren't under protection!
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Off it flies like a soy burger
into a dumpster!
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Goddammit, I didn't see that coming.
79
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Come on, Domino. This is our chance!
80
00:04:19,043 --> 00:04:21,043
And there's your mistake.
81
00:04:21,126 --> 00:04:24,251
I was only going to kill you,
but I'll kick your ass
82
00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:26,626
for stealing my favorite work van.
83
00:04:29,709 --> 00:04:31,959
And may this traffic camera live long
84
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and generously contribute
to the funds of this parish's budget,
85
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whose people hopefully won't forget
to support the church and God.
86
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In the name of the Father,
and the Son, and…
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Hello there.
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A demon!
89
00:04:47,668 --> 00:04:49,459
Father, please, please, please…
90
00:04:49,543 --> 00:04:51,543
Shut up! You just committed a sin!
91
00:04:51,626 --> 00:04:54,293
Interrupting a sacred
holy prayer like that
92
00:04:54,376 --> 00:04:56,418
And what's with this other blockhead?
93
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:59,293
He scared off my customers.
You are lucky that they had already paid.
94
00:04:59,376 --> 00:05:02,209
I'm sorry, but it's an emergency.
The boss is possessed!
95
00:05:02,293 --> 00:05:05,543
Agh! He knew it would finally get
what was coming to him.
96
00:05:05,626 --> 00:05:08,751
That's what happens when an amateur tries
to take on a priest's job.
97
00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:10,334
-Who's the demon?
-I don't know.
98
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A big, reddish guy, covered in scales.
With a horn on his forehead.
99
00:05:13,543 --> 00:05:15,626
It is the dreaded unicockhorn!
100
00:05:15,709 --> 00:05:18,209
You should just cut your losses now
and look for a new job.
101
00:05:18,293 --> 00:05:21,459
Isn't there any way at all
to defeat a Unicockhorn?
102
00:05:21,543 --> 00:05:24,543
You betcha. Bullet to the head.
Boner's head, of course.
103
00:05:24,626 --> 00:05:26,543
But when you kill the demon,
Boner dies, too.
104
00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:27,876
You're kidding, right?
105
00:05:27,959 --> 00:05:30,376
What about performing an exorcism
on him instead?
106
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:33,209
We're prepared to pay. I mean,
the boss will pay when he gets better.
107
00:05:33,293 --> 00:05:34,543
Hate to tell you this, boys,
108
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but I'm not authorized
to perform an exorcism on a unicockhorn.
109
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It is the most mightiest
of all the demons.
110
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There is really only one person
in the world that I know of
111
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who can expel the mighty unicockhorn demon
from the body of a miserable creature,
112
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and plus, secundo,
I doubt he has the time,
113
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and then tertio,
there is no guarantee it will even work.
114
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So, but hey, primo,
115
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I can make a call
so that nobody can accuse me
116
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of not taking the appropriate action.
117
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Line's busy. That's too bad.
118
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LIQUOR UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE SELECTION
119
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Half a liter of vodka for here
and nobody gets hurt!
120
00:06:09,459 --> 00:06:10,959
Um, here.
121
00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:13,709
-That'll be eighteen fifty.
-I'll take it on the cuff.
122
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-I'm sorry, but you can't…
-You scum!
123
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:19,126
Next time do as I say
and you'll get to keep your teeth!
124
00:06:19,793 --> 00:06:23,501
What's up, losers?
Get out. The store's closed!
125
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,376
Let's run, he's mental!
126
00:06:25,459 --> 00:06:27,251
Andrzej, wait, I left my wine!
127
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:30,543
Krzychu, leave it.
Save your life!
128
00:06:30,626 --> 00:06:34,459
Ah. Jesus,
this stuff is fuckin' awesome.
129
00:06:34,543 --> 00:06:37,293
Why didn't anyone tell me
about this good shit sooner?
130
00:06:37,376 --> 00:06:40,084
Hell, I could have started drinking
way back in preschool.
131
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Juras, hold on now.
132
00:06:45,959 --> 00:06:48,543
It looks like we have something in common
by having the same needs!
133
00:06:48,626 --> 00:06:52,168
Seriously, buddy, I would have acted
the exact same way in that liquor store.
134
00:06:52,251 --> 00:06:55,126
You really didn't have to possess me
or keep me tied up in here.
135
00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:56,876
Silence or I'll punch you again!
136
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,293
Yeah, like you didn't get punched.
137
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,084
You are so fucking lucky that
I thought you were an ugly delivery guy
138
00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:03,959
and you took me by surprise,
or you'd be the one lying here--
139
00:07:04,043 --> 00:07:06,626
Shut up, you annoying asshole.
I need to focus.
140
00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:09,501
It's extremely important
I report back to Beelzebutt.
141
00:07:09,584 --> 00:07:11,626
But shut up now. I need to take a shit.
142
00:07:11,709 --> 00:07:13,126
I mean, uh, focus.
143
00:07:13,209 --> 00:07:14,918
Okay, let's call the boss man.
144
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,251
Wait, what was his number?
145
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:20,709
Pretty sure the area code is plus 666.
146
00:07:20,793 --> 00:07:27,168
And then, 666-666-667.
147
00:07:28,001 --> 00:07:29,126
Hello?
148
00:07:29,209 --> 00:07:30,876
Good morning, Your Exquisite Evilness.
149
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:32,876
This is Special Agent Jerzy Nać.
150
00:07:32,959 --> 00:07:35,668
Reporting that the task
has been fucking accomplished!
151
00:07:35,751 --> 00:07:38,251
Get outta town!
You've possessed that asshole Boner.
152
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:39,668
Yes, sir, I sure as hell did.
153
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:42,251
Check your texts,
I'm sending you a photo now.
154
00:07:48,793 --> 00:07:50,876
This is excellent news, Juras!
155
00:07:50,959 --> 00:07:52,126
I shall await your orders.
156
00:07:52,209 --> 00:07:54,543
Okay, kiddo. Grab some paper
and take notes!
157
00:07:54,626 --> 00:07:55,501
One sec…
158
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,959
-Okay.
-Proceed to do evil!
159
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,084
"Proceed…"
160
00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:01,668
Damn, how do you spell that?
161
00:08:01,751 --> 00:08:03,251
Oh, okay right, with an "s,"
162
00:08:03,334 --> 00:08:06,501
"Proseed… to do… evil."
163
00:08:06,584 --> 00:08:08,751
-Okay, I wrote it down.
-What's that siren?
164
00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:10,793
Nothing major. It's just the cops.
165
00:08:10,876 --> 00:08:12,876
So, you have a chance to prove yourself.
166
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:13,876
See ya.
167
00:08:15,876 --> 00:08:17,793
Attention, this is the police.
168
00:08:17,876 --> 00:08:20,043
Come out with your hands above your head.
169
00:08:20,126 --> 00:08:21,709
You're completely surrdounded…
170
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:22,959
…surrounded.
171
00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:24,626
You have no means of escape!
172
00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:30,209
Oh my God.
I can't believe it. He listened!
173
00:08:30,293 --> 00:08:32,959
Right, it's because I spoke
in a grim manner, so he got scared.
174
00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:39,334
Goddammit it! Those were brand-new
patrol cars, only a few years old.
175
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:40,709
Retreat!
176
00:08:40,793 --> 00:08:42,876
That's right. Keep on running!
177
00:08:42,959 --> 00:08:44,168
Okay.
178
00:08:44,251 --> 00:08:47,001
Where there's lots of liquor,
there's lots of kebabs.
179
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Let's go already.
180
00:08:48,626 --> 00:08:51,834
Um, here you go.
Two mega-hot ones on thick pita bread.
181
00:08:51,918 --> 00:08:53,084
No charge. It's on the house.
182
00:08:53,168 --> 00:08:55,376
Oh no. Please, tell me how much I owe.
183
00:08:55,459 --> 00:08:56,959
No, no, really, it's on the house.
184
00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:59,626
-Tell me!
-Twenty-eight zlotys.
185
00:08:59,709 --> 00:09:01,043
In your dreams!
186
00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:07,334
This whole city is all mine!
187
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:11,043
Are you sure about that?
188
00:09:11,126 --> 00:09:13,043
Motherfucker, Papacopter!
189
00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:19,793
Hello, unicockhorn. And farewell!
190
00:09:19,876 --> 00:09:23,043
Blazing holy water, hallelujah!
191
00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:26,959
Father, you really need
to be trying harder
192
00:09:27,043 --> 00:09:28,209
if you want to defeat me!
193
00:09:28,293 --> 00:09:30,793
Block this unicockhorn!
194
00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:34,334
Oh shitballs.
195
00:09:38,043 --> 00:09:40,876
In the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Spirit!
196
00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,959
Oh dammit.
Block, block, block, block, block!
197
00:09:43,043 --> 00:09:46,126
Damn, the secret combo.
Up, up, down, high punch!
198
00:09:57,709 --> 00:09:59,126
I can't see!
199
00:09:59,209 --> 00:10:01,334
Relax, you're just about to see.
200
00:10:01,418 --> 00:10:03,418
A bright light at the end of the tunnel!
201
00:10:05,209 --> 00:10:07,376
Easy-peasy, like in the tutorial.
202
00:10:13,626 --> 00:10:16,834
And now a dumpster fatality!
203
00:10:20,709 --> 00:10:23,501
In the name of Jesus Christ!
204
00:10:24,001 --> 00:10:27,043
Leave this body, you miserable demon!
205
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,001
Television sucks ass!
206
00:10:29,084 --> 00:10:31,293
Netflix is king!
207
00:10:31,376 --> 00:10:33,209
Fuck off, squirt!
You fucking loser!
208
00:10:33,293 --> 00:10:36,001
Goddammit, you wasted
two perfectly good kebabs like a jerk.
209
00:10:36,084 --> 00:10:38,459
And they were both meant for me.
Get the fuck out!
210
00:10:40,043 --> 00:10:42,001
You're so fucking dead!
211
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:45,793
Victory! Fuck yeah!
212
00:10:45,876 --> 00:10:48,334
Ah, this is what I needed.
213
00:10:48,418 --> 00:10:50,209
Working behind a desk has advantages,
214
00:10:50,293 --> 00:10:52,959
but it's fun to be
out on the streets sometimes,
215
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,001
kicking some serious ass.
216
00:10:55,084 --> 00:10:56,293
Like back in Seminary.
217
00:10:56,376 --> 00:10:59,084
Anyway, you wanna grab a drink, or…
218
00:10:59,168 --> 00:11:00,168
Gladly.
219
00:11:00,251 --> 00:11:03,668
But before we go, there's a video call
I gotta make real quick.
220
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:09,876
Yo, what up, Juras?
221
00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:11,376
The news isn't great, boss.
222
00:11:11,459 --> 00:11:14,626
Wait, why aren't you inside
that stupid asshole's body?
223
00:11:14,709 --> 00:11:17,793
It wasn't comfortable for us.
224
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:19,334
This brain right here?
225
00:11:19,418 --> 00:11:21,543
It's really not very roomy.
226
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:25,543
God damn you, Boner!
227
00:11:25,626 --> 00:11:31,376
This isn't over!
228
00:11:31,459 --> 00:11:32,293
THE END