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SEBUAH SIRI ASLI NETFLIX
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POTONG RUMPUT
MURAH!
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SI DIA YANG DIRASUK
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Dah sampai. Ambil barang dan bergerak.
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Saya rasa pelik masuk tempat macam ini.
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Saya kalis barang penyucian,
tapi saya masih rasa tidak selesa.
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Macam koprofilia berdiri
di tempat kencing.
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Kaki saya akan masuk punggung awak
jika awak tidak diam.
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Sial, bos, bertenang. Aduh!
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Saya nampak baik. Tengok.
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Hidung tidak berair.
Ingatkan saya perlu semburan hidung.
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Domino, kejutan! Air suci!
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Sial, awak gila?
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Hei, tunggu.
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Tidak gatal,
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tidak melecet,
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saya terkencing kerana ketakutan.
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Bagus, saya dah kebal! Aduh!
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Helo, Paderi Mateusz?
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- Kru pengubahsuaian dah sampai!
- Bos.
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- Ada sesuatu tidak kena. Tiada salib.
- Mereka cabut supaya kita boleh cat.
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Tapi bos, tengok kesan pada dinding.
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Betul cakap awak.
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Baik kita tunggu di luar.
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Ia perangkap!
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Bagaimana awak tahu, budak pintar?
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Sebab kalian akan mati!
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Paderi Mateusz?
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Di depan awak.
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Tapi minda orang bodoh telah diganti
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dengan minda orang dungu!
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Kenapa?
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Dalam pertarungan abadi
antara kebaikan dan kejahatan
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tiada pemenang,
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walaupun syaitan yang mendahului,
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sebab dia main di tempat lawan.
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Bersedia untuk mati, budak kondom!
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Sial, kita tiada senjata!
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Berundur!
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Bos, kenapa tidak bawa pistol?
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Adakah awak bawa bunga
semasa mencari pelacur?
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Sekejap, saya ada idea!
Awak buat serangan utama
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dan saya akan serang dalam diam.
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Baik, tuan!
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Tembak mesingan
macam awak pancut. Buat dengan pantas!
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Peluru dah habis.
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Baik, berhenti main-main.
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Selamat tinggal! Jesus!
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Lari…
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Jangan harap, syaitan. Awak dah kalah.
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Boner, ini saya, Mateusz.
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Mati? Sekejap. Jadi, di mana syaitan?
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Saya di sini, bodoh!
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Bos, bertenang.
Awak tidak perlu bunuh kami.
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Ya! Jika awak tidak bunuh,
saya tidak minta kenaikan gaji.
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Sama! Tapi beri gaji dulu,
sebab saya kerja secara percuma.
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Lebih baik jika saya membelantan kalian.
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Marcin, ikut saya. Saya ada idea!
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- Awak tunggu apa? Beritahu saya!
- Pura-pura jadi biri-biri.
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Ia haiwan terlindung,
jadi dia tidak akan bunuh kita.
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Bodoh!
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Marcin, mari menyorok di bilik ini!
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Awak bodoh!
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Bilik ini tidak dilindungi!
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Macam lempar burger soya
ke dalam tong sampah.
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Sial, saya tidak sangka.
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Ayuh, Domino. Ini peluang kita!
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Kalian buat silap.
Saya hanya mahu membunuh kalian,
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tapi kalian akan dibelasah teruk
sebab kalian ambil trak itu.
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Semoga kamera perangkap laju
menyumbang kepada bajet kariah,
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yang saya harap tidak lupa
untuk menyokong gereja.
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Dengan nama Tuhan, Anak, dan…
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- Helo.
- Syaitan!
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Paderi, tolong…
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Tolong diam!
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Berdosa jika ganggu upacara suci!
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Kenapa si bodoh datang?
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Dia takutkan klien saya.
Nasib baik dah bayar.
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Maaf, tapi ia penting. Bos dirasuk!
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Saya tahu suatu hari dia akan kena.
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Itulah yang berlaku apabila amatur
mainkan paderi. Siapa merasuk dia?
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Entah. Lelaki besar, berwarna merah,
bersisik, dan bertanduk.
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Unicockhorn! Awak boleh cari kerja baru.
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Tiada cara untuk kalahkan makhluk itu?
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Ada. Tembak tepat pada kepala.
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Kepala Boner.
Syaitan itu akan mati dengan dia.
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Betul?
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Jika kita buat upacara halau hantu?
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Kami bayar. Maksud kami,
bos bayar selepas sihat.
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Maaf, budak,
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tapi saya tiada kebenaran
untuk halau makhluk itu.
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Ia syaitan paling berkuasa.
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Hanya ada satu orang di dunia
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yang boleh menghalau makhluk itu
daripada badan si malang,
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tapi kedua, saya rasa dia tiada masa,
dan ketiga, mungkin tidak berkesan.
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Tapi pertama, saya boleh buat panggilan,
jadi jangan cakap saya tidak cuba.
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Maaf. Talian sibuk.
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Separuh liter vodka untuk terus minum,
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dan tiada siapa tercedera!
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Minum, harganya 18.50.
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- Kredit.
- Maaf, awak tidak boleh…
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Bangsat! Selepas ini, ikut cakap saya
atau saya cabut semua gigi awak!
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Apa khabar, bangsat? Keluar, kedai tutup!
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Mari lari, dia gila!
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- Andrzej, sekejap, saya tertinggal wain!
- Krzychu, biar. Selamatkan diri!
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Jesus, benda ini bagus.
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Kenapa tiada siapa beritahu lebih awal?
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Saya boleh minum sejak prasekolah.
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Sekejap, Juras. Keperluan kita sama!
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Itulah perangai saya di kedai arak.
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Awak tidak perlu rasuk atau ikat saya.
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Diam atau saya tumbuk awak!
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Macamlah awak tidak ditumbuk.
Ingatkan awak budak penghantar
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dan awak buat saya terperanjat
atau awak akan diikat…
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Keputusan yang penting, bukan gaya!
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Betul, saya sokong
pasukan kebangsaan Jerman.
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Tapi diam, saya perlu berak.
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Maksud saya, fokus.
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Baik, mari telefon bos. Apa nombor dia?
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Kod kawasan dulu, tambah 666.
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Kemudian, 666,
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666,
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667.
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Helo?
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Selamat pagi, Tuanku yang Hodoh.
Saya ejen khas Jerzy Nać.
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Tugas saya dah selesai! Ya!
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Apa? Awak dah merasuk Boner?
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Ya. Baca MMS, saya hantar gambar.
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Bagus!
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Saya tunggu arahan.
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Baik. Ambil kertas dan catat!
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Sekejap, baik, teruskan.
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Terus buat kejahatan!
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"Terus". Sial, macam mana mahu eja?
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Betul, guna huruf "l",
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"Telus buat kejahatan".
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- Saya dah tulis.
- Bunyi apa?
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Tiada apa, hanya polis.
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Peluang untuk tunjuk kebolehan.
Selamat tinggal.
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Perhatian, ini polis.
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Keluar dan angkat tangan.
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Awak dikepung.
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Awak tidak boleh lari!
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Tidak sangka dia patuh!
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Saya bercakap dengan kasar,
jadi dia takut.
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Sial! Kereta peronda baru,
baru beberapa tahun.
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Berundur!
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Ya, terus berlari!
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Baik. Jika ada arak, tentu ada kebab.
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Mari!
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Silakan, dua kebab pedas
atas roti pita yang tebal. Percuma.
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Tidak. Beritahu saya harganya.
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- Betul, ia percuma.
- Beritahu saya!
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Ia 28 zloty.
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Jangan harap!
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Bandar ini milik saya!
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Awak yakin tentang itu?
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Bangsat, Papacopter!
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Helo, unicockhorn, dan selamat tinggal!
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Menyembur air suci, hallelujah!
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Paderi, berusaha lebih gigih!
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Halang ini!
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Alamak.
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Dengan nama Tuhan, Anak, dah Roh!
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Alamak. Halang! Sial, kombo rahsia.
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Macam mana? Naik, turun, tumbukan atas!
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Alamak.
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Saya tidak nampak!
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Bertenang, awak akan nampak.
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Cahaya di hujung terowong!
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Mudah macam dalam tutorial.
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Malapetaka tong sampah!
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Dengan nama Jesus Christ,
keluar dari badan ini, syaitan.
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Televisyen teruk, Netflix paling hebat.
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Berambus, bangsat! Awak lemah!
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Sial, awak bazirkan dua kebab
macam bangsat. Saya yang bayar.
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Keluar!
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Matilah awak!
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Kemenangan!
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Inilah yang saya perlukan.
Bekerja di pejabat ada kelebihannya,
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tapi seronok bekerja di luar kadangkala,
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membelasah orang.
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Macam dalam seminari Katolik.
Jadi, awak mahu minum?
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Ya, tapi saya perlu buat
panggilan video dulu.
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Bagaimana, Juras?
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Tidak bagus, bos.
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Kenapa awak tiada dalam badan bangsat itu?
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Kami langsung tidak selesa.
Otak ini tidak terlalu luas!
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Boner!
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Ia belum berakhir!
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TAMAT
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Penghalau hantu kurang tiga ratus
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Sebenarnya dua ratus
Jika mahu bil, bayarlah lebih
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Jaga-jaga, Beelzebutt
Awak akan dibelasah
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Jaga-jaga, Buttcifer
Dia menyasarkan awak
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Terjemahan sari kata oleh
Zarifah Kamarulhisham