A NETFLIX SERIES
Hello, Gnojomił. I'm back with the team.
Saddle up. We have a long way to go.
The horses are ready. I'll fetch them.
Oh boy. Where are we?
Where did this infernal machine take us?
Firstly, it's not infernal
as it came straight from the Vatican.
The only specimen on Earth.
Don't ask me about the rental price, because if I tell you,
you won't believe it anyway.
And secondly, don't ask where
but when.
We are still in the same place.
Your office will be where that barn is
in over a thousand years.
-What? -We went back in time.
The Baptism of Poland is to take place any day now.
But the forces of darkness want to thwart Prince Mieszko's plans.
Baptism? What's it to me? It's your fetish.
To me, pagan customs are pretty cool.
Sorry, Natan, but I don't see any reason to help you.
Inside, there are ten reasons for encouragement.
The other half after the job.
Ten zloty. I don't know if you know this, but my daily pay is 200.
And that's without an invoice, you moron.
These coins are made of real gold.
Each is worth a couple dozen grand.
Moron.
So, what do I do?
Your steeds, my lord.
Thanks, sir.
Wealth! To the inn! Get a drink at once!
And now to the capital!
I hope you have sturdy butts.
We have a few days in the saddle ahead of us.
You want to ride a few days from Piaseczno to Warsaw?
The year is 966. Gniezno is the capital of Poland, you dimwit.
Attack! Do not be discouraged!
Whoever hits the defender of the gord, even by accident,
will be rewarded with a kick in the ass
instead of the head!
Damn, Mścigniew, did you hear?
Cool, I'm gonna win!
I knew it!
Damn, Złosław, I'm sorry!
I'm a poor bowman, so I thought that if I aim at you,
I'm gonna miss and hit someone on the wall by accident.
That's exactly what happened. I shot myself.
-Fucking moron. -What?
Easy, Mścigniew. I still mean myself.
I could've stayed in the kitchen.
The worst thing that could happen there
would be falling into the manure pot again.
Yum.
Damn it! More and more of these dogs.
What are you worried about? There's no way they can take the gord.
They're too stupid. We're safe.
They won't get through the walls, but they cut us off from food and drink.
At this rate, we'll die of hunger,
or worse, boredom.
Besides, the Czech bishops can't get here to baptize me along with the country.
And without that, I can't ask Dobrava.
-For her hand? -For her ass! I can use my own hand.
Maybe it's time to release Alioettus?
Gniewosłabomił, have you switched heads with a horse?
Then we're all gonna die.
Damn! Almost like the Battle for Świeżaki.
The gord still stands, not too bad.
Why don't they use the gates of hell but crawl out of the ground like moles?
The gates of hell will only be found in 1943 by the Nazis.
In the 10th century, kingdom of darkness was more backward than Poland.
We'll continue on foot.
You're dumber than Domino. We're not gonna get through.
How many can the four of us kill, 200, 300?
What if I told you that we don't have to kill anybody?
Prince!
A message from the enemy.
Take it away. He can't read it.
Just because I was blind until I was seven doesn't mean I'm illiterate!
But you can't read, my prince. Not to mention writing.
Not because of my blindness.
I just have more talent for some things
and less for others.
Gniewosłabomił, read quickly. It may be important.
"You…" Then I'm not sure. I don't know this letter.
Let me see.
YOU -U
Damn it!
Scumbags are coming in through the shitter.
-Who are you? -Welcome, Prince Mieszko. Easy.
We're allies.
Holy glue pot! What an ugly baby.
He may not be pretty, but he's stupid.
I meant the other one.
Tell me why you're here.
-If not, I'll have your dicks cut off. -That's not much.
Legend has it that you keep Alioettus in your dungeon. Is it true?
-How did you know? -My prince, they're charlatans.
Borrowing.
You're lucky I'm not baptized yet,
or you'd be hanging for superstitions.
If the legend's true, it's a guaranteed win for us.
Follow My Majesty.
-There he is. -So it's true.
He really exists.
Screw me. Is this an angel?
Better.
He's beautiful.
And equally dangerous.
That's why he's in a cell. Woe to us all if he were to break free.
What if I said that I knew how to tame him?
You're lucky I'm not baptized yet, or you'd be hanging for superstitions!
What can we do to get him on our side?
What to do to make someone work for you?
A hundred blows.
That's right! Half a dozen minus one.
There is a better way.
All you have to do is reward his work.
That's worse. You give him money, and that's it?
He needs something other than money. What do you think it is?
-A crown? -Bingo!
A magic crown.
We're gonna need a witch. And that, Boner, is your job.
Where are we going to find a witch
now that all of them left after hearing about the baptism?
Domino, where would you hide?
I'd hide near some kind of bistro
to feed on garbage.
But witches feed on bugs and amphibians.
It has to be away from people and have a lot of bugs.
So, the swamp. Hurry!
Stop!
Whoever wants to enter the swamp must solve a riddle,
or they'll taste my ax!
Out of the way, gnome,
or you'll taste the hooves of Łysek, Dupek, and Pączkomiot.
First of all, I'm not a gnome. I'm a dwarf!
It's easy to tell us apart. Gnomes are much more intelligent.
Second of all, it's your first and last warning with my magic ax!
Wow, magic!
We're in deep shit.
Even worse, because you can get out of shit.
Now, the riddle. If you guess it right, I'll let you go.
But woe betide you if you guess wrong. Are you ready?
-Wait… -Guess what it is.
It walks on three legs in the morning, two in the afternoon,
and four in the evening.
A human! No, wait.
Old people walk on three legs when they're old. So in the evening.
-So it's not a human. -A man.
Why?
With a morning hangover, he walks on three,
looking for a drink with the fourth.
By afternoon, he's sober and walks on two.
And if the evening's good, he's on all fours again.
For Perpeut the Bearded's sake, how did you know?
I've been defeated! I can't stand such disgrace!
Gnome, don't do that!
If defeat was the end of the world,
I'd have to shoot myself right after I was born.
Jeez! Don't just sit like that. Help me!
Damn, he's heavy. Boss, help.
This runt weighs 100 kilos.
Thank you, friends. I don't know what's gotten into me.
Maybe the booze. Or maybe the booze.
Go. I'll recover in peace.
Bye, you stupid dwarf!
I may not be the smartest, but I'll go to hell for my shrewdness.
I give easy riddles on purpose.
Told you. Off your horses.
Hey, she's not bad.
Not bad? Boss, she's the prettiest chick I've seen in my life.
Wait. I'll look through the window.
Hey!
That's why number one should always be done sitting.
And number two standing.
Okay, I assessed the situation. We can go in.
Who dares to enter my swamp?
Easy, cupcake.
We only need you to pimp our crown with some magic.
A crown?
I'll grant your request
if one of you satisfies me properly.
The freak's out. So one of you two.
Fuck, then why have I just beaten the meat?
Can't you wait 15 minutes?
I can't!
Okay, I'll try.
Go herd pigs with that limp dick!
So that leaves the kid.
No way. I'm faithful to Mariola.
Goodbye, then.
Marcinek, don't think with your head. Think with your…
-Heart? -No.
Dick.
Oh, my darkest, we're about to break through the gate.
Perfect.
This is where I'll build my palace. I'm sick of living underground like a bug.
My prince, we're losing! Maybe we should raise the white flag.
May your words turn into shit, Małomysł.
I'd sooner die than surrender!
You name it, prince!
You rat bastards!
Boner, you botcher, you failed me!
Boss, I can't reach it. Give me your hand!
No time. Wait for me at the bottom.
At the bottom. Fucking great spot.
It's great. I'll be Donatello.
What about you? Maybe Splinter? You'd teach me karate.
Great. The window over there, that will be my room.
I'll have a pigsty built below.
And there will be a pigsty where that tower is.
Another one. I love pigs.
What's that?
Damned Judas, patron saint of the damned!
For John XIII's sake, what's going on here?
Boss, I don't want to panic,
but let's get the fuck out of here!
Alioettus! He's on our side!
He made it.
At the last minute. That's a useful skill.
It saved me thousands of condoms.
-Condo what? -A dick wrap. Never mind.
Thanks, Alioettus!
Goodbye, friends.
Whatever happens, don't blame me!
Easy, my lord. There's a witch in the swamp.
She will help us get to hell.
Stop. Whoever wants to enter the swamp must solve a riddle.
It walks on three legs in the morning,
two in the afternoon, and four in the evening.
A man.
I've been defeated!
I can't stand such disgrace!
What an idiot. This way.
Shit. Where are you going?
I was kidding with the hanging.
I can't undo this tightening part. It's a knot.
Help!
THE END
Exorcist for less than 300
Actually, it's 200 If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
Watch it, Belzedup You're gonna get your ass kicked
Watch it, Dupcyper He's aiming at you
Subtitle translation by: Agnieszka Żurek