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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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Hello, Gnojomił. I'm back with the team.
3
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Saddle up. We have a long way to go.
4
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The horses are ready. I'll fetch them.
5
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Oh boy. Where are we?
6
00:00:50,209 --> 00:00:53,126
Where did this infernal machine take us?
7
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Firstly, it's not infernal
8
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as it came straight from the Vatican.
9
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The only specimen on Earth.
10
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Don't ask me about the rental price,
because if I tell you,
11
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you won't believe it anyway.
12
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And secondly, don't ask where
13
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but when.
14
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We are still in the same place.
15
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Your office will be where that barn is
16
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in over a thousand years.
17
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-What?
-We went back in time.
18
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The Baptism of Poland
is to take place any day now.
19
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But the forces of darkness
want to thwart Prince Mieszko's plans.
20
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Baptism? What's it to me?
It's your fetish.
21
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To me, pagan customs are pretty cool.
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Sorry, Natan, but I don't see
any reason to help you.
23
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Inside, there are ten reasons
for encouragement.
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The other half after the job.
25
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Ten zloty. I don't know if you know this,
but my daily pay is 200.
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And that's without an invoice, you moron.
27
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These coins are made of real gold.
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Each is worth a couple dozen grand.
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Moron.
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So, what do I do?
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Your steeds, my lord.
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Thanks, sir.
33
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Wealth! To the inn! Get a drink at once!
34
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And now to the capital!
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I hope you have sturdy butts.
36
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We have a few days
in the saddle ahead of us.
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You want to ride a few days
from Piaseczno to Warsaw?
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The year is 966. Gniezno is the capital
of Poland, you dimwit.
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Attack! Do not be discouraged!
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Whoever hits the defender of the gord,
even by accident,
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will be rewarded with a kick in the ass
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instead of the head!
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Damn, Mścigniew, did you hear?
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Cool, I'm gonna win!
45
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I knew it!
46
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Damn, Złosław, I'm sorry!
47
00:02:54,959 --> 00:02:58,084
I'm a poor bowman,
so I thought that if I aim at you,
48
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I'm gonna miss and hit someone
on the wall by accident.
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That's exactly what happened.
I shot myself.
50
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-Fucking moron.
-What?
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Easy, Mścigniew. I still mean myself.
52
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I could've stayed in the kitchen.
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The worst thing that could happen there
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would be falling
into the manure pot again.
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Yum.
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Damn it! More and more of these dogs.
57
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What are you worried about?
There's no way they can take the gord.
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They're too stupid. We're safe.
59
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They won't get through the walls,
but they cut us off from food and drink.
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At this rate, we'll die of hunger,
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or worse, boredom.
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Besides, the Czech bishops can't get here
to baptize me along with the country.
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And without that, I can't ask Dobrava.
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-For her hand?
-For her ass! I can use my own hand.
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Maybe it's time to release Alioettus?
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Gniewosłabomił,
have you switched heads with a horse?
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Then we're all gonna die.
68
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Damn! Almost like the Battle for Świeżaki.
69
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The gord still stands, not too bad.
70
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Why don't they use the gates of hell
but crawl out of the ground like moles?
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The gates of hell will only be found
in 1943 by the Nazis.
72
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In the 10th century, kingdom of darkness
was more backward than Poland.
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We'll continue on foot.
74
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You're dumber than Domino.
We're not gonna get through.
75
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How many can the four of us kill,
200, 300?
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What if I told you
that we don't have to kill anybody?
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Prince!
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A message from the enemy.
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Take it away. He can't read it.
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Just because I was blind until I was seven
doesn't mean I'm illiterate!
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But you can't read, my prince.
Not to mention writing.
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Not because of my blindness.
83
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I just have more talent for some things
84
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and less for others.
85
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Gniewosłabomił, read quickly.
It may be important.
86
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"You…" Then I'm not sure.
I don't know this letter.
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Let me see.
88
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YOU -U
89
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Damn it!
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Scumbags are coming in
through the shitter.
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-Who are you?
-Welcome, Prince Mieszko. Easy.
92
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We're allies.
93
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Holy glue pot! What an ugly baby.
94
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He may not be pretty, but he's stupid.
95
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I meant the other one.
96
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Tell me why you're here.
97
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-If not, I'll have your dicks cut off.
-That's not much.
98
00:05:42,793 --> 00:05:46,209
Legend has it that you keep Alioettus
in your dungeon. Is it true?
99
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-How did you know?
-My prince, they're charlatans.
100
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Borrowing.
101
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You're lucky I'm not baptized yet,
102
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or you'd be hanging for superstitions.
103
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If the legend's true,
it's a guaranteed win for us.
104
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Follow My Majesty.
105
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-There he is.
-So it's true.
106
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He really exists.
107
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Screw me. Is this an angel?
108
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Better.
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He's beautiful.
110
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And equally dangerous.
111
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That's why he's in a cell.
Woe to us all if he were to break free.
112
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What if I said that I knew
how to tame him?
113
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You're lucky I'm not baptized yet,
or you'd be hanging for superstitions!
114
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What can we do to get him on our side?
115
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What to do to make someone work for you?
116
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A hundred blows.
117
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That's right! Half a dozen minus one.
118
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There is a better way.
119
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All you have to do is reward his work.
120
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That's worse.
You give him money, and that's it?
121
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He needs something other than money.
What do you think it is?
122
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-A crown?
-Bingo!
123
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A magic crown.
124
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We're gonna need a witch.
And that, Boner, is your job.
125
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Where are we going to find a witch
126
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now that all of them left
after hearing about the baptism?
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Domino, where would you hide?
128
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I'd hide near some kind of bistro
129
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to feed on garbage.
130
00:07:28,834 --> 00:07:32,251
But witches feed on bugs and amphibians.
131
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It has to be away from people
and have a lot of bugs.
132
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So, the swamp. Hurry!
133
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Stop!
134
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Whoever wants to enter the swamp
must solve a riddle,
135
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or they'll taste my ax!
136
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Out of the way, gnome,
137
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or you'll taste the hooves
of Łysek, Dupek, and Pączkomiot.
138
00:07:58,626 --> 00:08:02,626
First of all, I'm not a gnome.
I'm a dwarf!
139
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It's easy to tell us apart.
Gnomes are much more intelligent.
140
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Second of all, it's your first
and last warning with my magic ax!
141
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Wow, magic!
142
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We're in deep shit.
143
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Even worse,
because you can get out of shit.
144
00:08:19,126 --> 00:08:22,876
Now, the riddle.
If you guess it right, I'll let you go.
145
00:08:22,959 --> 00:08:27,793
But woe betide you if you guess wrong.
Are you ready?
146
00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:29,459
-Wait…
-Guess what it is.
147
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:33,793
It walks on three legs in the morning,
two in the afternoon,
148
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and four in the evening.
149
00:08:36,668 --> 00:08:37,834
A human! No, wait.
150
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:41,751
Old people walk on three legs
when they're old. So in the evening.
151
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:44,293
-So it's not a human.
-A man.
152
00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,626
Why?
153
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With a morning hangover,
he walks on three,
154
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looking for a drink with the fourth.
155
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By afternoon, he's sober and walks on two.
156
00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:57,709
And if the evening's good,
he's on all fours again.
157
00:08:57,793 --> 00:09:01,293
For Perpeut the Bearded's sake,
how did you know?
158
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I've been defeated!
I can't stand such disgrace!
159
00:09:08,293 --> 00:09:10,168
Gnome, don't do that!
160
00:09:10,251 --> 00:09:12,334
If defeat was the end of the world,
161
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I'd have to shoot myself
right after I was born.
162
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:18,793
Jeez! Don't just sit like that. Help me!
163
00:09:19,418 --> 00:09:22,084
Damn, he's heavy. Boss, help.
164
00:09:22,168 --> 00:09:24,293
This runt weighs 100 kilos.
165
00:09:35,376 --> 00:09:38,626
Thank you, friends.
I don't know what's gotten into me.
166
00:09:38,709 --> 00:09:41,334
Maybe the booze. Or maybe the booze.
167
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Go. I'll recover in peace.
168
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,709
Bye, you stupid dwarf!
169
00:09:50,043 --> 00:09:54,834
I may not be the smartest,
but I'll go to hell for my shrewdness.
170
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I give easy riddles on purpose.
171
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Told you. Off your horses.
172
00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:17,584
Hey, she's not bad.
173
00:10:17,668 --> 00:10:21,584
Not bad? Boss, she's the prettiest chick
I've seen in my life.
174
00:10:22,168 --> 00:10:24,251
Wait. I'll look through the window.
175
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:27,376
Hey!
176
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:34,959
That's why number one
should always be done sitting.
177
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And number two standing.
178
00:10:36,376 --> 00:10:39,709
Okay, I assessed the situation.
We can go in.
179
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Who dares to enter my swamp?
180
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Easy, cupcake.
181
00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:55,626
We only need you to pimp our crown
with some magic.
182
00:10:56,876 --> 00:10:58,043
A crown?
183
00:10:58,126 --> 00:11:00,251
I'll grant your request
184
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if one of you satisfies me properly.
185
00:11:04,168 --> 00:11:06,918
The freak's out. So one of you two.
186
00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:10,501
Fuck, then why
have I just beaten the meat?
187
00:11:10,584 --> 00:11:12,293
Can't you wait 15 minutes?
188
00:11:12,376 --> 00:11:13,209
I can't!
189
00:11:14,376 --> 00:11:16,043
Okay, I'll try.
190
00:11:23,709 --> 00:11:27,459
Go herd pigs with that limp dick!
191
00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,459
So that leaves the kid.
192
00:11:29,543 --> 00:11:31,793
No way. I'm faithful to Mariola.
193
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:33,293
Goodbye, then.
194
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:38,793
Marcinek, don't think with your head.
Think with your…
195
00:11:38,876 --> 00:11:40,251
-Heart?
-No.
196
00:11:42,376 --> 00:11:43,418
Dick.
197
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:53,626
Oh, my darkest,
we're about to break through the gate.
198
00:11:53,709 --> 00:11:55,209
Perfect.
199
00:11:55,293 --> 00:11:59,709
This is where I'll build my palace.
I'm sick of living underground like a bug.
200
00:11:59,793 --> 00:12:03,793
My prince, we're losing!
Maybe we should raise the white flag.
201
00:12:03,876 --> 00:12:07,376
May your words turn into shit, Małomysł.
202
00:12:07,459 --> 00:12:09,959
I'd sooner die than surrender!
203
00:12:11,543 --> 00:12:13,543
You name it, prince!
204
00:12:13,626 --> 00:12:14,793
You rat bastards!
205
00:12:14,876 --> 00:12:19,209
Boner, you botcher, you failed me!
206
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:24,501
Boss, I can't reach it. Give me your hand!
207
00:12:24,584 --> 00:12:26,793
No time. Wait for me at the bottom.
208
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,334
At the bottom. Fucking great spot.
209
00:12:29,418 --> 00:12:31,584
It's great. I'll be Donatello.
210
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,876
What about you?
Maybe Splinter? You'd teach me karate.
211
00:12:35,459 --> 00:12:38,793
Great. The window over there,
that will be my room.
212
00:12:38,876 --> 00:12:41,459
I'll have a pigsty built below.
213
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:44,293
And there will be a pigsty
where that tower is.
214
00:12:44,376 --> 00:12:46,709
Another one. I love pigs.
215
00:12:49,626 --> 00:12:50,959
What's that?
216
00:13:01,209 --> 00:13:04,668
Damned Judas, patron saint of the damned!
217
00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:07,376
For John XIII's sake,
what's going on here?
218
00:13:07,459 --> 00:13:09,918
Boss, I don't want to panic,
219
00:13:10,001 --> 00:13:12,459
but let's get the fuck out of here!
220
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:17,543
Alioettus! He's on our side!
221
00:13:17,626 --> 00:13:19,626
He made it.
222
00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:22,334
At the last minute. That's a useful skill.
223
00:13:22,418 --> 00:13:24,376
It saved me thousands of condoms.
224
00:13:24,459 --> 00:13:27,084
-Condo what?
-A dick wrap. Never mind.
225
00:13:27,626 --> 00:13:30,126
Thanks, Alioettus!
226
00:13:31,001 --> 00:13:33,293
Goodbye, friends.
227
00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:35,501
Whatever happens, don't blame me!
228
00:13:44,209 --> 00:13:46,918
Easy, my lord.
There's a witch in the swamp.
229
00:13:47,001 --> 00:13:48,876
She will help us get to hell.
230
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:54,459
Stop. Whoever wants to enter the swamp
must solve a riddle.
231
00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:57,209
It walks on three legs in the morning,
232
00:13:57,293 --> 00:13:59,709
two in the afternoon,
and four in the evening.
233
00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,043
A man.
234
00:14:01,543 --> 00:14:03,334
I've been defeated!
235
00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:06,293
I can't stand such disgrace!
236
00:14:07,543 --> 00:14:09,376
What an idiot. This way.
237
00:14:09,459 --> 00:14:11,459
Shit. Where are you going?
238
00:14:11,543 --> 00:14:13,126
I was kidding with the hanging.
239
00:14:13,209 --> 00:14:15,793
I can't undo this tightening part.
It's a knot.
240
00:14:16,709 --> 00:14:17,543
Help!
241
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:20,959
THE END
242
00:14:21,043 --> 00:14:23,001
Exorcist for less than 300
243
00:14:23,084 --> 00:14:26,209
Actually, it's 200
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
244
00:14:26,293 --> 00:14:29,209
Watch it, Belzedup
You're gonna get your ass kicked
245
00:14:29,293 --> 00:14:32,543
Watch it, Dupcyper
He's aiming at you
246
00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:40,793
Subtitle translation by: Agnieszka Żurek