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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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[birds chirping]
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[clucking]
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THE CREW OF PRINCE MIESZKO I
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[loud crash]
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[dramatic music plays]
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[clucking in panic]
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[snorting]
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[electronic beeping]
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-[chicken clucking in panic]
-[pig squealing]
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Greetings, my good Gnojomił.
I've returned with my partners.
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Saddle up the horses.
We have a ways to go.
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As thou sayeth, my lord.
I shall fetch them.
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Oh boy, where the hell are we?
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Where in the fuck did
this infernal machine take us, Natan?
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Firstly, it's not an infernal machine,
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but a beautiful creation
straight from the Vatican.
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The only one of its kind
on Earth, actually.
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But don't even think about asking me
how much it was to rent from them,
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'cause if I told you the price,
you would never believe me anyways.
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And then secondly,
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you don't need to be asking
"where we are," my friend.
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You should be asking the question "when."
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In fact, we are still in
the exact location as when we left.
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Boner's office will be
right where that barn is right now.
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-In over a thousand years that is.
-What?
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We went back in time, you idiot moron.
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Poland's Baptism is coming this year.
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But, of course,
those demon scum from Hell
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want to thwart Prince Mieszko's plans
for Poland.
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A baptism? What about it though?
Isn't that one of your fetishes.
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I think pagan customs are awesome
and better than modern ones.
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Sorry, Natan,
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but I honestly don't see any
good reason to help you stop this war.
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Here are ten solid gold reasons
to help me finish this war.
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-The other half, you'll receive later.
-[chuckle] Only ten bucks, you say.
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I'm not sure if you know this,
but 200 zloty is my daily pay rate.
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And that's without an invoice, you moron.
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[sighs] These coins are made
of actual gold, you idiot.
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Each one of those is worth
well over 20,000 zloty.
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You moron.
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So what are we going to do, buddy?
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My lord, your steeds are ready.
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-[coin clinks]
-Thank thee, sir.
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I am rich! To the inn now!
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Drink it away!
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And now, to the capital!
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I honestly hope
you all have some sturdy assholes.
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Quite a few days in the saddle
await us all.
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You want us to ride from the town
of Piaseczno to the city of Warsaw?
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We are now in the year 966.
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Gniezno is the capital of Poland
right now, you idiot.
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-[horse neighing]
-Yeehaw!
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[battle cries]
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Attack them with no mercy!
Don't be dismayed by their spirit!
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Whoever can kill the most defenders
of the castle, even if all by accident,
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will be getting a kick in the asshole
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-instead of the head!
-[screaming]
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Oh dammit, Mścigniew, did you hear that?
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Awesome, I will definitely win!
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Yah! [laughs] Yah!
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[shouting] I knew that was coming!
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Dammit, Złosław, I'm so freaking sorry!
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I am a poor bowman, honestly,
so I thought that if I aimed at you,
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my arrow would definitely miss
and hit a soldier
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on the castle wall by accident.
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That's exactly what happened.
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I just accidentally shot myself.
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[shouting]
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I'm such a fucking idiot.
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Don't say that.
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Don't worry, Mścigniew.
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I'm still talking about myself. [shouting]
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I could've stayed in the kitchen
and been a great chef.
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The worst thing that could have happened
while working there
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would have been falling face down
into one of the manure pots again.
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Mmm… Yummy.
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Fucking tarnation!
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Those mongrel-assholes
just keep on coming.
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What is Thee Highness worried about?
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There is no way they can take the castle.
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They are way too fucking stupid.
We are definitely safe here.
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I'm not worried about them
breaking through the wall.
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We've been cut off from
our supply chains and I'm out of booze.
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At this rate, everyone will die
from hunger in the next few days,
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or maybe even worse, boredom.
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And the Czech bishops
can't get around the battle
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to baptize me along with the country.
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And without that, I can't ask Dobrava.
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-For her hand?
-For her ass! I can use my own damn hand.
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Maybe it's time
to release the Alioettus, sir?
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[thunder crashing]
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Listen up, Sir Crap-a-lot,
have you lost all touch with reality here?
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Then surely we shall all die.
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[battle cries]
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Oh man! It almost reminds me
of the mall on Black Friday.
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The stronghold is still standing,
but we have to hurry.
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Why aren't the demons using
the Gates of Hell,
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instead of crawling out of holes
in the ground like moles?
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Well, fortunate for us, the Gates of Hell
will not be invented by Nazi Germany
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until the year 1943.
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In the tenth century, the ruler
of the kingdom of darkness
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was more half-ass backwards than Poland.
We will continue on foot from here.
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Natan, you are a lot dumber than Domino.
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We are not gonna get through.
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How many can the four of us kill?
Two Hundred? Three Hundred?
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But what if I told you there is a way
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that we will not have to kill
anyone at all?
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[panting] Prince!
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[clears throat]
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[panting]
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[exhales loudly] Ah.
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Aah.
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Aah.
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A message from the enemy.
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Take it away.
He's not going to read that shit.
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Just because I was born blind
and couldn’t see until the age of seven
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doesn't mean I'm fucking illiterate!
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But you really cannot read,
Prince Mieszko.
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-And you couldn't write to save your life.
-But not because of my blindness.
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I just have a greater talent
for more important Prince things,
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and a lot less talent for others.
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Sir Crap-a-lot, you better read quickly.
This might be important.
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[clears throat]
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Um… "You…"
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Then I'm not quite sure.
I don't know this next letter.
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Let me see.
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[angry groan]
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Damnation!
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[objects clattering]
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Scumbags are crawling in
through the pipes in the shitters.
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-Who art thou?
-Greetings, Prince Mieszko.
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Take it easy.
We are allies of the Polish Church.
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By the grace of Judas! What an ugly child!
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He may not be very pretty,
but he's very stupid.
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I was talking about the other one.
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I demand you tell me
why you're here immediately!
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Or I'll have your dicks cut off
and my guards will feed them to you.
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Ehh, it could be worse.
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Legend has it you keep Alioettus
chained up in your dungeon. Is that true?
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[gasps] But how the hell do you know that?
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My Prince, they're charlatans.
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Gimme that thing.
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Eh…
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You are very lucky I'm not baptized yet,
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or we would take you outside
and hang you for superstitions.
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If the legend is true, it is guaranteed
to lead your army to victory.
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Hmm. Then follow Your Majesty
right this way.
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[dramatic music playing]
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-So there's the beast--
-No way! It is true.
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Then the beast really does exist.
153
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Fuck me sideways with a cueball! An angel?
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Much better.
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[screeching]
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-Beautiful.
-And it's equally as dangerous.
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That's why he's in a cell.
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Misery will be upon us all
if he breaks free while we're down here.
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00:06:32,209 --> 00:06:34,793
And what if I told you that I know
of a way to tame the beast,
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and convince him to fight with us?
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You are very lucky
that I am not baptized yet,
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or we would take you outside
and hang you for superstitions.
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[screeching, growling]
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So what can we do to convince him
to help us win this war?
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You mean to force a person to work for you
against their will?
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A hundred lashes.
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That's right!
Half a dozen lashes then minus one.
168
00:06:53,001 --> 00:06:54,668
Yet there is a better way, good sir.
169
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And all you have to do
is reward his good work.
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That is much worse. You give him money,
and think that's the end of it?
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He needs something a bit more
than cold hard cash, honestly.
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I wonder what could it be though?
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-A magical crown?
-Bingo!
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A magical royal gold crown.
175
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We're gonna need a young witch
to put a spell on it.
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Boner, you're gonna like this quest.
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Where the hell
are we supposed to find a witch,
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now that all of them have left
after discovering
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that the church plans
to baptize the entire country?
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Yeah.
181
00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:24,793
Domino, where would you hide
if you lived out here?
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I would hide in an alley
near some kind of bistro
183
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and feed off nearby scraps.
184
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But witches prefer to feed on insects,
amphibians, and reptiles, don't they?
185
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It has to be away from people…
186
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and with a lot of bugs…
187
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So, the swamp. Hurry!
188
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[male voice] Stop!
189
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[sinister music plays]
190
00:07:43,293 --> 00:07:45,459
If any of you want to enter the swamp,
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you must solve
one of my complicated riddles,
192
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or you will all taste the sharpened blade
of my battle axe!
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[cackles]
194
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Get your tiny little ass
out of the way, you silly gnome,
195
00:07:54,793 --> 00:07:58,543
or you will taste the dirty hooves
of Baldie, Butthead, and Miss Honeypie.
196
00:07:58,626 --> 00:07:59,793
First of all, I'm not a gnome.
197
00:07:59,876 --> 00:08:02,626
I don't sit by a garden and watch
the grass grow. I'm a real dwarf!
198
00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:04,709
It is honestly pretty easy
to tell us apart.
199
00:08:04,793 --> 00:08:06,168
Gnomes are a lot more intelligent.
200
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:07,334
And then second of all,
201
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this will be your first
and final forewarning
202
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before I use my magical battle axe on you!
203
00:08:11,376 --> 00:08:12,418
Go, magic!
204
00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:16,126
Well, we are in the deepest of shit.
205
00:08:16,209 --> 00:08:18,959
This is a whole lot worse,
because you can get out of shit.
206
00:08:19,043 --> 00:08:20,459
And now, for the complicated riddle.
207
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,876
If you manage to guess it right,
I'll let you go on your way.
208
00:08:22,959 --> 00:08:24,709
But something terrible will happen
to you men,
209
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if you end up
guessing this question incorrectly.
210
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-Are you ready now?
-Whoa, hold on…
211
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[dwarf] Guess what it is.
212
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,001
It walks on three legs in the morning,
213
00:08:32,084 --> 00:08:33,793
and two in the afternoon,
214
00:08:33,876 --> 00:08:35,959
but he walks on four in the evening.
215
00:08:36,543 --> 00:08:38,084
A human! No, wait… Shit.
216
00:08:38,168 --> 00:08:40,584
Elderly people walk on three legs
when they get really old.
217
00:08:40,668 --> 00:08:41,626
So in the evening…
218
00:08:41,709 --> 00:08:43,126
So I don't think it's a human.
219
00:08:43,209 --> 00:08:44,293
Hey, how about a man?
220
00:08:45,501 --> 00:08:47,376
[angry grumble]
221
00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,626
And why did you choose that?
222
00:08:48,709 --> 00:08:50,668
With a morning hangover,
he walks on three of them,
223
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looking for a drink with the fourth leg.
224
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By the afternoon, when he sobers up,
he walks on two.
225
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And if the evening is good,
he's on all four legs again.
226
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Oh, for goodness sakes,
how the fuck did you know the answer
227
00:09:00,168 --> 00:09:02,126
to that complicated riddle? Aah!
228
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,626
I have been defeated again!
229
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:07,584
I can't stand to be disgraced
in such a cruel way! [groans]
230
00:09:08,293 --> 00:09:10,126
Gnome, wait, I mean dwarf, don't do it!
231
00:09:10,209 --> 00:09:12,293
If such small defeat
meant it was the end of the world,
232
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I would have had to shoot myself
right after I was born.
233
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Oh… Oh jeez!
234
00:09:16,793 --> 00:09:19,251
Don't just sit on your fucking horse
like that. Help me!
235
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-Damn, he's heavy.
-[grunting]
236
00:09:20,918 --> 00:09:22,001
Boss, please help us.
237
00:09:22,084 --> 00:09:24,293
This stupid leprechaun
weighs a hundred kilos.
238
00:09:28,876 --> 00:09:30,043
[sinister music plays]
239
00:09:30,668 --> 00:09:31,918
[coins clinking]
240
00:09:34,459 --> 00:09:35,293
[gasps]
241
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Thank you so much, my friends.
242
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I have no clue what got into me.
243
00:09:38,709 --> 00:09:39,959
Maybe the booze.
244
00:09:40,043 --> 00:09:41,418
Or maybe the booze.
245
00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:42,876
You can go now though.
246
00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:45,543
I will just lay here
and recover in peace and quiet.
247
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,418
Farewell, you stupid fucking dwarf!
248
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:49,959
Hyah! [grunting]
249
00:09:50,043 --> 00:09:52,418
I may not be the most brilliant dwarf
in all the land,
250
00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:54,834
even so,
I will go to Hell for my shrewdness.
251
00:09:54,918 --> 00:09:55,959
[cackles]
252
00:09:56,043 --> 00:09:57,876
I give such easy riddles on purpose.
253
00:10:06,709 --> 00:10:08,126
Told you so! Let's go.
254
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:11,543
[suspenseful music playing]
255
00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:18,168
-Hey, she's really not bad at all.
-Not bad?
256
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:19,543
Boss, what are you talking about?
257
00:10:19,626 --> 00:10:21,959
That's the prettiest chick
I've ever seen in my life.
258
00:10:22,043 --> 00:10:24,334
Wait here.
I'll peek through the window real quick.
259
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:27,376
Hey…
260
00:10:29,293 --> 00:10:30,959
[masturbating]
261
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:33,209
And that is why number one
should always be done
262
00:10:33,293 --> 00:10:34,876
while you are in a sitting position.
263
00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:36,293
And number two's always standing.
264
00:10:36,376 --> 00:10:38,584
Okay, I assessed the situation.
265
00:10:38,668 --> 00:10:39,834
And we can go in.
266
00:10:44,126 --> 00:10:47,459
Who dares intrude on my beautiful,
insect infested swamp?
267
00:10:48,543 --> 00:10:51,834
[grunting] Hey,
take it easy there, sweetheart.
268
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,543
We only need you to cast
one of your spells
269
00:10:53,626 --> 00:10:55,626
on this crown
using some of your magical powers.
270
00:10:55,709 --> 00:10:57,959
Hmm. A crown, you say?
271
00:10:58,043 --> 00:11:00,251
I will promise
to grant your single request
272
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:04,084
if one of you specimens of masculinity
satisfies me properly.
273
00:11:04,168 --> 00:11:06,918
The freak over there is out.
It will have to be one of you two.
274
00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:10,459
Oh! Then why did I just beat my fucking
meat in front of your goddamn window?
275
00:11:10,543 --> 00:11:13,209
-Can't you wait about 15 minutes or so?
-I can't do that!
276
00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:16,043
Uh… All right, all right, I will try then.
277
00:11:20,293 --> 00:11:22,293
[frogs croaking]
278
00:11:24,209 --> 00:11:27,459
Go herd some pigs with
that limp fucking dick, you parasite!
279
00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,459
So, that just leaves
this young man right here.
280
00:11:29,543 --> 00:11:31,793
No way.
I am very faithful to my girl Mariola.
281
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:33,293
In that case: goodbye.
282
00:11:33,376 --> 00:11:34,876
[grunting]
283
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:37,793
Marcinek, don't use your pathetic brain.
284
00:11:37,876 --> 00:11:38,793
Use your…
285
00:11:38,876 --> 00:11:40,251
-Use my heart?
-No.
286
00:11:40,876 --> 00:11:41,793
[grunts]
287
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,543
Your pathetic dick.
288
00:11:43,626 --> 00:11:44,793
[groans]
289
00:11:45,459 --> 00:11:48,876
[battle cries]
290
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:53,626
Oh, Darkest One,
we're about to breach the gate.
291
00:11:53,709 --> 00:11:55,293
That's just perfect.
292
00:11:55,376 --> 00:11:57,501
This is where I will build my palace.
293
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,709
I'm sick of living underground
like a worm.
294
00:11:59,793 --> 00:12:01,626
Prince, we are losing this war badly!
295
00:12:01,709 --> 00:12:03,793
Maybe we should surrender
and raise our white flag?
296
00:12:03,876 --> 00:12:07,376
May the words you just spoke turn into
shit, my good sir. It's time to fight.
297
00:12:07,459 --> 00:12:09,959
I would rather die in battle
before I surrender this castle!
298
00:12:10,043 --> 00:12:11,459
[battle cries]
299
00:12:11,543 --> 00:12:13,543
I mean, if you want it,
you got it, my prince!
300
00:12:13,626 --> 00:12:14,793
Those bloody bastards!
301
00:12:14,876 --> 00:12:16,876
Boner, you stupid bungler,
302
00:12:16,959 --> 00:12:19,209
you have completely failed us!
303
00:12:20,543 --> 00:12:21,418
[grunts]
304
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:22,959
[Marcin] Boss, I can't reach!
305
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,501
Give me your hand!
306
00:12:24,584 --> 00:12:26,793
There is no time, Marcinek.
You two wait down there.
307
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,209
[Marcin] Down there, sure.
Great fucking place.
308
00:12:29,293 --> 00:12:31,584
[Domino] This is great.
I will be Donatello.
309
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,876
Who do you want to be?
Maybe Splinter? You can teach me karate.
310
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:38,751
That's super. That window over there
will be my bedroom.
311
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:41,418
I'll order a pigsty
to be built right below it.
312
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:44,251
And there will be a pigsty
where that tower is.
313
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:45,209
And another.
314
00:12:45,293 --> 00:12:46,709
Ooh, I love piggies so much.
315
00:12:48,584 --> 00:12:49,543
[screeching]
316
00:12:49,626 --> 00:12:50,959
Who in the hell is that?
317
00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:52,459
[aggressive shouts]
318
00:12:52,543 --> 00:12:54,043
[screeching]
319
00:12:55,126 --> 00:12:56,251
[shouting]
320
00:12:57,293 --> 00:12:58,543
[screeching]
321
00:12:59,209 --> 00:13:00,126
[shouts]
322
00:13:01,209 --> 00:13:04,626
That damned Judas, the patron saint
of the fucking damned and forgotten!
323
00:13:04,709 --> 00:13:07,376
Oh, for crying out loud,
what the hell is going on here?
324
00:13:07,459 --> 00:13:09,876
Boss man, I don't want
to make you panic, but…
325
00:13:09,959 --> 00:13:12,459
Let's get the fuck out of here!
326
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:15,793
Alioettus!
327
00:13:15,876 --> 00:13:17,543
He's on our side now!
328
00:13:17,626 --> 00:13:19,626
So he did end up pulling it off.
329
00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:21,001
At the last moment too.
330
00:13:21,084 --> 00:13:22,168
It's a useful skill.
331
00:13:22,251 --> 00:13:24,376
It saved me
thousands of condoms in the past.
332
00:13:24,459 --> 00:13:26,626
-Condom what?
-It's basically a dick wrap.
333
00:13:26,709 --> 00:13:27,543
Nevermind that.
334
00:13:27,626 --> 00:13:30,126
We thank you, oh great Alioettus!
335
00:13:30,751 --> 00:13:32,959
Farewell, friends.
336
00:13:33,043 --> 00:13:35,376
Just remember, don't blame me.
337
00:13:36,126 --> 00:13:38,584
[triumphant cheers]
338
00:13:44,376 --> 00:13:47,084
Don't worry, my lord.
There is a witch living in the swamp.
339
00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:48,876
She will help us get back to Hell.
340
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:49,876
Stop!
341
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,959
If any of you want to enter the swamp,
342
00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:54,459
you must first solve
one of my complicated riddles.
343
00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:56,959
What is it:
it walks on three legs in the morning,
344
00:13:57,043 --> 00:13:59,709
only two in the afternoon,
but he walks on four in the evening.
345
00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,376
-It's a man.
-Agh!
346
00:14:01,459 --> 00:14:03,168
I've been defeated again!
347
00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:06,293
I can't stand to be disgraced
in such a cruel way!
348
00:14:06,376 --> 00:14:07,459
[groans]
349
00:14:07,543 --> 00:14:09,376
What a fucking moron. This way.
350
00:14:09,459 --> 00:14:11,334
Oh dammit! Where are you going?
351
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,501
I was totally kidding
about hanging myself.
352
00:14:13,584 --> 00:14:16,418
I can't even loosen this by myself.
It’s a really tight knot.
353
00:14:16,501 --> 00:14:17,626
Please help me!
354
00:14:18,209 --> 00:14:19,501
[frog croaking]
355
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:20,959
THE END
356
00:14:21,043 --> 00:14:23,084
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
357
00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:26,209
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
358
00:14:26,293 --> 00:14:29,209
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
359
00:14:29,293 --> 00:14:32,543
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
360
00:14:32,626 --> 00:14:36,501
[malevolent laugh]