1
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A NETFLIX SERIES

2
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THE CREW OF PRINCE MIESZKO I

3
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Greetings, my good Gnojomił.
I've returned with my partners.

4
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Saddle up the horses.
We have a ways to go.

5
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As thou sayeth, my lord.
I shall fetch them.

6
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Oh boy, where the hell are we?

7
00:00:50,209 --> 00:00:53,126
Where in the fuck did
this infernal machine take us, Natan?

8
00:00:53,209 --> 00:00:55,043
Firstly, it's not an infernal machine,

9
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but a beautiful creation
straight from the Vatican.

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The only one of its kind
on Earth, actually.

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But don't even think about asking me
how much it was to rent from them,

12
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'cause if I told you the price,
you would never believe me anyways.

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And then secondly,

14
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you don't need to be asking
"where we are," my friend.

15
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You should be asking the question "when."

16
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In fact, we are still in
the exact location as when we left.

17
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Boner's office will be
right where that barn is right now.

18
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-In over a thousand years that is.
-What?

19
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We went back in time, you idiot moron.

20
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Poland's Baptism is coming this year.

21
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But, of course,
those demons scum from Hell

22
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want to thwart Prince Mieszko's plans
for Poland.

23
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A baptism? What about it though?
Isn't that one of your fetishes.

24
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I think pagan customs are awesome
and better than modern ones.

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Sorry, Natan,

26
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but I honestly don't see any
good reason to help you stop this war.

27
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Here are ten solid gold reasons
to help me finish this war.

28
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-The other half, you'll receive later.
-Only ten bucks, you say.

29
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I'm not sure if you know this,
but 200 zloty is my daily pay rate.

30
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And that's without an invoice, you moron.

31
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These coins are made
of actual gold, you idiot.

32
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Each one of those is worth
well over 20,000 zloty.

33
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You moron.

34
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So what are we going to do, buddy?

35
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My lord, your steeds are ready.

36
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Thank thee, sir.

37
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I am rich! To the inn now!

38
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Drink it away!

39
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And now, to the capital!

40
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I honestly hope
you all have some sturdy assholes.

41
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Quite a few days in the saddle
await us all.

42
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You want us to ride from the town
of Piaseczno to the city of Warsaw?

43
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We are now in the year 966.

44
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Gniezno is the capital of Poland
right now, you idiot.

45
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Yeehaw!

46
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Attack them with no mercy!
Don't be dismayed by their spirit!

47
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Whoever can kill the most defenders
of the castle, even if all by accident,

48
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will be getting a kick in the asshole

49
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instead of the head!

50
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Oh dammit, Mścigniew, did you hear that?

51
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Awesome, I will definitely win!

52
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Yah!Yah!

53
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I knew that was coming!

54
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Dammit, Złosław, I'm so freaking sorry!

55
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I am a poor bowman, honestly,
so I thought that if I aimed at you,

56
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my arrow would definitely miss
and hit a soldier

57
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on the castle wall by accident.

58
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That's exactly what happened.

59
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I just accidentally shot myself.

60
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I'm such a fucking idiot.

61
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Don't say that.

62
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Don't worry, Mścigniew.

63
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I'm still talking about myself.

64
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I could've stayed in the kitchen
and been a great chef.

65
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The worst thing that could have happened
while working there

66
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would have been falling face down
into one of the manure pots again.

67
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Mmm… Yummy.

68
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Fucking tarnation!

69
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Those mongrel-assholes
just keep on coming.

70
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What is Thee Highness worried about?

71
00:03:28,126 --> 00:03:29,751
There is no way they can take the castle.

72
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They are way too fucking stupid.
We are definitely safe here.

73
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I'm not worried about them
breaking through the wall.

74
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We've been cut off from
our supply chains and I'm out of booze.

75
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At this rate, everyone will die
from hunger in the next few days,

76
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or maybe even worse, boredom.

77
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And the Czech bishops
can't get around the battle

78
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to baptize me along with the country.

79
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And without that, I can't ask Dobrava.

80
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-For her hand?
-For her ass! I can use my own damn hand.

81
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Maybe it's time
to release the Alioettus, sir?

82
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Listen up, Sir Crap-a-lot,
have you lost all touch with reality here?

83
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Then surely we shall all die.

84
00:04:07,793 --> 00:04:10,376
Oh man! It almost reminds me
of the mall on Black Friday.

85
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,626
The stronghold is still standing,
but we have to hurry.

86
00:04:12,709 --> 00:04:14,584
Why aren't the demons using
the Gates of Hell,

87
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instead of crawling out of holes
in the ground like moles?

88
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Well, fortunate for us, the Gates of Hell
will not be invented by Nazi Germany

89
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until the year 1943.

90
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In the tenth century, the ruler
of the kingdom of darkness

91
00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:27,376
was more half-ass backwards than Poland.
We will continue on foot from here.

92
00:04:27,459 --> 00:04:29,209
Natan, you are a lot dumber than Domino.

93
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We are not gonna get through.

94
00:04:30,626 --> 00:04:33,126
How many can the four of us kill?
Two Hundred? Three Hundred?

95
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But what if I told you there is a way

96
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that we will not have to kill
anyone at all?

97
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Prince!

98
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Ah.

99
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Aah.

100
00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:48,876
Aah.

101
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A message from the enemy.

102
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Take it away.
He's not going to read that shit.

103
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:55,459
Just because I was born blind
and couldn’t see until the age of seven

104
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doesn't mean I'm fucking illiterate!

105
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But you really cannot read,
Prince Mieszko.

106
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-And you couldn't write to save your life.
-But not because of my blindness.

107
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I just have a greater talent
for more important Prince things,

108
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and a lot less talent for others.

109
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Sir Crap-a-lot, you better read quickly.
This might be important.

110
00:05:10,918 --> 00:05:12,793
Um… "You…"

111
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Then I'm not quite sure.
I don't know this next letter.

112
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Let me see.

113
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Damnation!

114
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Scumbags are crawling in
through the pipes in the shitters.

115
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-Who art thou?
-Greetings, Prince Mieszko.

116
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Take it easy.
We are allies of the Polish Church.

117
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By the grace of Judas! What an ugly child!

118
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He may not be very pretty,
but he's very stupid.

119
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I was talking about the other one.

120
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I demand you tell me
why you're here immediately!

121
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Or I'll have your dicks cut off
and my guards will feed them to you.

122
00:05:42,043 --> 00:05:43,293
Ehh, it could be worse.

123
00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:46,209
Legend has it you keep Alioettus
chained up in your dungeon. Is that true?

124
00:05:46,293 --> 00:05:48,793
But how the hell do you know that?

125
00:05:48,876 --> 00:05:50,168
My Prince, they're charlatans.

126
00:05:50,251 --> 00:05:51,293
Gimme that thing.

127
00:05:51,876 --> 00:05:52,876
Eh…

128
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You are very lucky I'm not baptized yet,

129
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or we would take you outside
and hang you for superstitions.

130
00:05:57,876 --> 00:06:01,084
If the legend is true, it is guaranteed
to lead your army to victory.

131
00:06:02,293 --> 00:06:04,876
Hmm. Then follow Your Majesty
right this way.

132
00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:19,626
-So there's the beast--
-No way! It is true.

133
00:06:19,709 --> 00:06:21,209
Then the beast really does exist.

134
00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:23,376
Fuck me sideways with a cueball! An angel?

135
00:06:23,459 --> 00:06:24,543
Much better.

136
00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:28,293
-Beautiful.
-And it's equally as dangerous.

137
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That's why he's in a cell.

138
00:06:29,584 --> 00:06:32,126
Misery will be upon us all
if he breaks free while we're down here.

139
00:06:32,209 --> 00:06:34,793
And what if I told you that I know
of a way to tame the beast,

140
00:06:34,876 --> 00:06:36,709
and convince him to fight with us?

141
00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:38,793
You are very lucky
that I am not baptized yet,

142
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,959
or we would take you outside
and hang you for superstitions.

143
00:06:44,459 --> 00:06:47,043
So what can we do to convince him
to help us win this war?

144
00:06:47,126 --> 00:06:49,543
You mean to force a person to work for you
against their will?

145
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:50,543
A hundred lashes.

146
00:06:50,626 --> 00:06:52,918
That's right!
Half a dozen lashes then minus one.

147
00:06:53,001 --> 00:06:54,668
Yet there is a better way, good sir.

148
00:06:54,751 --> 00:06:56,543
And all you have to do
is reward his good work.

149
00:06:56,626 --> 00:06:59,376
That is much worse. You give him money,
and think that's the end of it?

150
00:06:59,459 --> 00:07:02,376
He needs something a bit more
than cold hard cash, honestly.

151
00:07:02,459 --> 00:07:04,418
I wonder what could it be though?

152
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-A magical crown?
-Bingo!

153
00:07:06,084 --> 00:07:07,793
A magical royal gold crown.

154
00:07:07,876 --> 00:07:10,543
We're gonna need a young witch
to put a spell on it.

155
00:07:10,626 --> 00:07:12,293
Boner, you're gonna like this quest.

156
00:07:15,418 --> 00:07:17,501
Where the hell
are we supposed to find a witch,

157
00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:19,543
now that all of them have left
after discovering

158
00:07:19,626 --> 00:07:21,751
that the church plans
to baptize the entire country?

159
00:07:21,834 --> 00:07:22,751
Yeah.

160
00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:24,793
Domino, where would you hide
if you lived out here?

161
00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:27,251
I would hide in an alley
near some kind of bistro

162
00:07:27,334 --> 00:07:28,626
and feed off nearby scraps.

163
00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:32,459
But witches prefer to feed on insects,
amphibians, and reptiles, don't they?

164
00:07:32,543 --> 00:07:34,543
It has to be away from people…

165
00:07:35,251 --> 00:07:36,959
and with a lot of bugs…

166
00:07:37,793 --> 00:07:39,209
So, the swamp. Hurry!

167
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,168
Stop!

168
00:07:43,293 --> 00:07:45,459
If any of you want to enter the swamp,

169
00:07:45,543 --> 00:07:47,793
you must solve
one of my complicated riddles,

170
00:07:47,876 --> 00:07:50,793
or you will all taste the sharpened blade
of my battle axe!

171
00:07:52,334 --> 00:07:54,709
Get your tiny little ass
out of the way, you silly gnome,

172
00:07:54,793 --> 00:07:58,543
or you will taste the dirty hooves
of Baldie, Butthead, and Miss Honeypie.

173
00:07:58,626 --> 00:07:59,793
First of all, I'm not a gnome.

174
00:07:59,876 --> 00:08:02,626
I don't sit by a garden and watch
the grass grow. I'm a real dwarf!

175
00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:04,709
It is honestly pretty easy
to tell us apart.

176
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Gnomes are a lot more intelligent.

177
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And then second of all,

178
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this will be your first
and final forewarning

179
00:08:09,418 --> 00:08:11,293
before I use my magical battle axe on you!

180
00:08:11,376 --> 00:08:12,418
Go, magic!

181
00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:16,126
Well, we are in the deepest of shit.

182
00:08:16,209 --> 00:08:18,959
This is a whole lot worse,
because you can get out of shit.

183
00:08:19,043 --> 00:08:20,459
And now, for the complicated riddle.

184
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,876
If you manage to guess it right,
I'll let you go on your way.

185
00:08:22,959 --> 00:08:24,709
But something terrible will happen
to you men,

186
00:08:24,793 --> 00:08:26,959
if you end up
guessing this question incorrectly.

187
00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:28,376
-Are you ready now?
-Whoa, hold on…

188
00:08:28,459 --> 00:08:29,459
Guess what it is.

189
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,001
It walks on three legs in the morning,

190
00:08:32,084 --> 00:08:33,793
and two in the afternoon,

191
00:08:33,876 --> 00:08:35,959
but he walks on four in the evening.

192
00:08:36,543 --> 00:08:38,084
A human! No, wait… Shit.

193
00:08:38,168 --> 00:08:40,584
Elderly people walk on three legs
when they get really old.

194
00:08:40,668 --> 00:08:41,626
So in the evening…

195
00:08:41,709 --> 00:08:43,126
So I don't think it's a human.

196
00:08:43,209 --> 00:08:44,293
Hey, how about a man?

197
00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,626
And why did you choose that?

198
00:08:48,709 --> 00:08:50,668
With a morning hangover,
he walks on three of them,

199
00:08:50,751 --> 00:08:52,543
looking for a drink with the fourth leg.

200
00:08:52,626 --> 00:08:55,043
By the afternoon, when he sobers up,
he walks on two.

201
00:08:55,126 --> 00:08:57,709
And if the evening is good,
he's on all four legs again.

202
00:08:57,793 --> 00:09:00,084
Oh, for goodness sakes,
how the fuck did you know the answer

203
00:09:00,168 --> 00:09:02,126
to that complicated riddle? Aah!

204
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,626
I have been defeated again!

205
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:07,584
I can't stand to be disgraced
in such a cruel way!

206
00:09:08,293 --> 00:09:10,126
Gnome, wait, I mean dwarf, don't do it!

207
00:09:10,209 --> 00:09:12,293
If such small defeat
meant it was the end of the world,

208
00:09:12,376 --> 00:09:15,459
I would have had to shoot myself
right after I was born.

209
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:16,709
Oh… Oh jeez!

210
00:09:16,793 --> 00:09:19,251
Don't just sit on your fucking horse
like that. Help me!

211
00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:20,834
Damn, he's heavy.

212
00:09:20,918 --> 00:09:22,001
Boss, please help us.

213
00:09:22,084 --> 00:09:24,293
This stupid leprechaun
weighs a hundred kilos.

214
00:09:35,376 --> 00:09:36,876
Thank you so much, my friends.

215
00:09:36,959 --> 00:09:38,626
I have no clue what got into me.

216
00:09:38,709 --> 00:09:39,959
Maybe the booze.

217
00:09:40,043 --> 00:09:41,418
Or maybe the booze.

218
00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:42,876
You can go now though.

219
00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:45,543
I will just lay here
and recover in peace and quiet.

220
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,418
Farewell, you stupid fucking dwarf!

221
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:49,959
Hyah!

222
00:09:50,043 --> 00:09:52,418
I may not be the most brilliant dwarf
in all the land,

223
00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:54,834
even so,
I will go to Hell for my shrewdness.

224
00:09:56,043 --> 00:09:57,876
I give such easy riddles on purpose.

225
00:10:06,709 --> 00:10:08,126
Told you so! Let's go.

226
00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:18,168
-Hey, she's really not bad at all.
-Not bad?

227
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:19,543
Boss, what are you talking about?

228
00:10:19,626 --> 00:10:21,959
That's the prettiest chick
I've ever seen in my life.

229
00:10:22,043 --> 00:10:24,334
Wait here.
I'll peek through the window real quick.

230
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:27,376
Hey…

231
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:33,209
And that is why number one
should always be done

232
00:10:33,293 --> 00:10:34,876
while you are in a sitting position.

233
00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:36,293
And number two's always standing.

234
00:10:36,376 --> 00:10:38,584
Okay, I assessed the situation.

235
00:10:38,668 --> 00:10:39,834
And we can go in.

236
00:10:44,126 --> 00:10:47,459
Who dares intrude on my beautiful,
insect infested swamp?

237
00:10:48,543 --> 00:10:51,834
Hey,
take it easy there, sweetheart.

238
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,543
We only need you to cast
one of your spells

239
00:10:53,626 --> 00:10:55,626
on this crown
using some of your magical powers.

240
00:10:55,709 --> 00:10:57,959
Hmm. A crown, you say?

241
00:10:58,043 --> 00:11:00,251
I will promise
to grant your single request

242
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:04,084
if one of you specimens of masculinity
satisfies me properly.

243
00:11:04,168 --> 00:11:06,918
The freak over there is out.
It will have to be one of you two.

244
00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:10,459
Oh! Then why did I just beat my fucking
meat in front of your goddamn window?

245
00:11:10,543 --> 00:11:13,209
-Can't you wait about 15 minutes or so?
-I can't do that!

246
00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:16,043
Uh… All right, all right, I will try then.

247
00:11:24,209 --> 00:11:27,459
Go herd some pigs with
that limp fucking dick, you parasite!

248
00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,459
So, that just leaves
this young man right here.

249
00:11:29,543 --> 00:11:31,793
No way.
I am very faithful to my girl Mariola.

250
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:33,293
In that case: goodbye.

251
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:37,793
Marcinek, don't use your pathetic brain.

252
00:11:37,876 --> 00:11:38,793
Use your…

253
00:11:38,876 --> 00:11:40,251
-Use my heart?
-No.

254
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,543
Your pathetic dick.

255
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:53,626
Oh, Darkest One,
we're about to breach the gate.

256
00:11:53,709 --> 00:11:55,293
That's just perfect.

257
00:11:55,376 --> 00:11:57,501
This is where I will build my palace.

258
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,709
I'm sick of living underground
like a worm.

259
00:11:59,793 --> 00:12:01,626
Prince, we are losing this war badly!

260
00:12:01,709 --> 00:12:03,793
Maybe we should surrender
and raise our white flag?

261
00:12:03,876 --> 00:12:07,376
May the words you just spoke turn into
shit, my good sir. It's time to fight.

262
00:12:07,459 --> 00:12:09,959
I would rather die in battle
before I surrender this castle!

263
00:12:11,543 --> 00:12:13,543
I mean, if you want it,
you got it, my prince!

264
00:12:13,626 --> 00:12:14,793
Those bloody bastards!

265
00:12:14,876 --> 00:12:16,876
Boner, you stupid bungler,

266
00:12:16,959 --> 00:12:19,209
you have completely failed us!

267
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:22,959
Boss, I can't reach!

268
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,501
Give me your hand!

269
00:12:24,584 --> 00:12:26,793
There is no time, Marcinek.
You two wait down there.

270
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,209
Down there, sure.
Great fucking place.

271
00:12:29,293 --> 00:12:31,584
This is great.
I will be Donatello.

272
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,876
Who do you want to be?
Maybe Splinter? You can teach me karate.

273
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:38,751
That's super. That window over there
will be my bedroom.

274
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:41,418
I'll order a pigsty
to be built right below it.

275
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:44,251
And there will be a pigsty
where that tower is.

276
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:45,209
And another.

277
00:12:45,293 --> 00:12:46,709
Ooh, I love piggies so much.

278
00:12:49,626 --> 00:12:50,959
Who in the hell is that?

279
00:13:01,209 --> 00:13:04,626
That damned Judas, the patron saint
of the fucking damned and forgotten!

280
00:13:04,709 --> 00:13:07,376
Oh, for crying out loud,
what the hell is going on here?

281
00:13:07,459 --> 00:13:09,876
Boss man, I don't want
to make you panic, but…

282
00:13:09,959 --> 00:13:12,459
Let's get the fuck out of here!

283
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:15,793
Alioettus!

284
00:13:15,876 --> 00:13:17,543
He's on our side now!

285
00:13:17,626 --> 00:13:19,626
So he did end up pulling it off.

286
00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:21,001
At the last moment too.

287
00:13:21,084 --> 00:13:22,168
It's a useful skill.

288
00:13:22,251 --> 00:13:24,376
It saved me
thousands of condoms in the past.

289
00:13:24,459 --> 00:13:26,626
-Condom what?
-It's basically a dick wrap.

290
00:13:26,709 --> 00:13:27,543
Nevermind that.

291
00:13:27,626 --> 00:13:30,126
We thank you, oh great Alioettus!

292
00:13:30,751 --> 00:13:32,959
Farewell, friends.

293
00:13:33,043 --> 00:13:35,376
Just remember, don't blame me.

294
00:13:44,376 --> 00:13:47,084
Don't worry, my lord.
There is a witch living in the swamp.

295
00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:48,876
She will help us get back to Hell.

296
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:49,876
Stop!

297
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,959
If any of you want to enter the swamp,

298
00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:54,459
you must first solve
one of my complicated riddles.

299
00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:56,959
What is it:
it walks on three legs in the morning,

300
00:13:57,043 --> 00:13:59,709
only two in the afternoon,
but he walks on four in the evening.

301
00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,376
-It's a man.
-Agh!

302
00:14:01,459 --> 00:14:03,168
I've been defeated again!

303
00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:06,293
I can't stand to be disgraced
in such a cruel way!

304
00:14:07,543 --> 00:14:09,376
What a fucking moron. This way.

305
00:14:09,459 --> 00:14:11,334
Oh dammit! Where are you going?

306
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,501
I was totally kidding
about hanging myself.

307
00:14:13,584 --> 00:14:16,418
I can't even loosen this by myself.
It’s a really tight knot.

308
00:14:16,501 --> 00:14:17,626
Please help me!

309
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:20,959
THE END