A NETFLIX SERIES
THE CREW OF PRINCE MIESZKO I
Greetings, my good Gnojomił. I've returned with my partners.
Saddle up the horses. We have a ways to go.
As thou sayeth, my lord. I shall fetch them.
Oh boy, where the hell are we?
Where in the fuck did this infernal machine take us, Natan?
Firstly, it's not an infernal machine,
but a beautiful creation straight from the Vatican.
The only one of its kind on Earth, actually.
But don't even think about asking me how much it was to rent from them,
'cause if I told you the price, you would never believe me anyways.
And then secondly,
you don't need to be asking "where we are," my friend.
You should be asking the question "when."
In fact, we are still in the exact location as when we left.
Boner's office will be right where that barn is right now.
-In over a thousand years that is. -What?
We went back in time, you idiot moron.
Poland's Baptism is coming this year.
But, of course, those demons scum from Hell
want to thwart Prince Mieszko's plans for Poland.
A baptism? What about it though? Isn't that one of your fetishes.
I think pagan customs are awesome and better than modern ones.
Sorry, Natan,
but I honestly don't see any good reason to help you stop this war.
Here are ten solid gold reasons to help me finish this war.
-The other half, you'll receive later. -Only ten bucks, you say.
I'm not sure if you know this, but 200 zloty is my daily pay rate.
And that's without an invoice, you moron.
These coins are made of actual gold, you idiot.
Each one of those is worth well over 20,000 zloty.
You moron.
So what are we going to do, buddy?
My lord, your steeds are ready.
Thank thee, sir.
I am rich! To the inn now!
Drink it away!
And now, to the capital!
I honestly hope you all have some sturdy assholes.
Quite a few days in the saddle await us all.
You want us to ride from the town of Piaseczno to the city of Warsaw?
We are now in the year 966.
Gniezno is the capital of Poland right now, you idiot.
Yeehaw!
Attack them with no mercy! Don't be dismayed by their spirit!
Whoever can kill the most defenders of the castle, even if all by accident,
will be getting a kick in the asshole
instead of the head!
Oh dammit, Mścigniew, did you hear that?
Awesome, I will definitely win!
Yah!Yah!
I knew that was coming!
Dammit, Złosław, I'm so freaking sorry!
I am a poor bowman, honestly, so I thought that if I aimed at you,
my arrow would definitely miss and hit a soldier
on the castle wall by accident.
That's exactly what happened.
I just accidentally shot myself.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
Don't say that.
Don't worry, Mścigniew.
I'm still talking about myself.
I could've stayed in the kitchen and been a great chef.
The worst thing that could have happened while working there
would have been falling face down into one of the manure pots again.
Mmm… Yummy.
Fucking tarnation!
Those mongrel-assholes just keep on coming.
What is Thee Highness worried about?
There is no way they can take the castle.
They are way too fucking stupid. We are definitely safe here.
I'm not worried about them breaking through the wall.
We've been cut off from our supply chains and I'm out of booze.
At this rate, everyone will die from hunger in the next few days,
or maybe even worse, boredom.
And the Czech bishops can't get around the battle
to baptize me along with the country.
And without that, I can't ask Dobrava.
-For her hand? -For her ass! I can use my own damn hand.
Maybe it's time to release the Alioettus, sir?
Listen up, Sir Crap-a-lot, have you lost all touch with reality here?
Then surely we shall all die.
Oh man! It almost reminds me of the mall on Black Friday.
The stronghold is still standing, but we have to hurry.
Why aren't the demons using the Gates of Hell,
instead of crawling out of holes in the ground like moles?
Well, fortunate for us, the Gates of Hell will not be invented by Nazi Germany
until the year 1943.
In the tenth century, the ruler of the kingdom of darkness
was more half-ass backwards than Poland. We will continue on foot from here.
Natan, you are a lot dumber than Domino.
We are not gonna get through.
How many can the four of us kill? Two Hundred? Three Hundred?
But what if I told you there is a way
that we will not have to kill anyone at all?
Prince!
Ah.
Aah.
A message from the enemy.
Take it away. He's not going to read that shit.
Just because I was born blind and couldn’t see until the age of seven
doesn't mean I'm fucking illiterate!
But you really cannot read, Prince Mieszko.
-And you couldn't write to save your life. -But not because of my blindness.
I just have a greater talent for more important Prince things,
and a lot less talent for others.
Sir Crap-a-lot, you better read quickly. This might be important.
Um… "You…"
Then I'm not quite sure. I don't know this next letter.
Let me see.
Damnation!
Scumbags are crawling in through the pipes in the shitters.
-Who art thou? -Greetings, Prince Mieszko.
Take it easy. We are allies of the Polish Church.
By the grace of Judas! What an ugly child!
He may not be very pretty, but he's very stupid.
I was talking about the other one.
I demand you tell me why you're here immediately!
Or I'll have your dicks cut off and my guards will feed them to you.
Ehh, it could be worse.
Legend has it you keep Alioettus chained up in your dungeon. Is that true?
But how the hell do you know that?
My Prince, they're charlatans.
Gimme that thing.
Eh…
You are very lucky I'm not baptized yet,
or we would take you outside and hang you for superstitions.
If the legend is true, it is guaranteed to lead your army to victory.
Hmm. Then follow Your Majesty right this way.
-So there's the beast-- -No way! It is true.
Then the beast really does exist.
Fuck me sideways with a cueball! An angel?
Much better.
-Beautiful. -And it's equally as dangerous.
That's why he's in a cell.
Misery will be upon us all if he breaks free while we're down here.
And what if I told you that I know of a way to tame the beast,
and convince him to fight with us?
You are very lucky that I am not baptized yet,
or we would take you outside and hang you for superstitions.
So what can we do to convince him to help us win this war?
You mean to force a person to work for you against their will?
A hundred lashes.
That's right! Half a dozen lashes then minus one.
Yet there is a better way, good sir.
And all you have to do is reward his good work.
That is much worse. You give him money, and think that's the end of it?
He needs something a bit more than cold hard cash, honestly.
I wonder what could it be though?
-A magical crown? -Bingo!
A magical royal gold crown.
We're gonna need a young witch to put a spell on it.
Boner, you're gonna like this quest.
Where the hell are we supposed to find a witch,
now that all of them have left after discovering
that the church plans to baptize the entire country?
Yeah.
Domino, where would you hide if you lived out here?
I would hide in an alley near some kind of bistro
and feed off nearby scraps.
But witches prefer to feed on insects, amphibians, and reptiles, don't they?
It has to be away from people…
and with a lot of bugs…
So, the swamp. Hurry!
Stop!
If any of you want to enter the swamp,
you must solve one of my complicated riddles,
or you will all taste the sharpened blade of my battle axe!
Get your tiny little ass out of the way, you silly gnome,
or you will taste the dirty hooves of Baldie, Butthead, and Miss Honeypie.
First of all, I'm not a gnome.
I don't sit by a garden and watch the grass grow. I'm a real dwarf!
It is honestly pretty easy to tell us apart.
Gnomes are a lot more intelligent.
And then second of all,
this will be your first and final forewarning
before I use my magical battle axe on you!
Go, magic!
Well, we are in the deepest of shit.
This is a whole lot worse, because you can get out of shit.
And now, for the complicated riddle.
If you manage to guess it right, I'll let you go on your way.
But something terrible will happen to you men,
if you end up guessing this question incorrectly.
-Are you ready now? -Whoa, hold on…
Guess what it is.
It walks on three legs in the morning,
and two in the afternoon,
but he walks on four in the evening.
A human! No, wait… Shit.
Elderly people walk on three legs when they get really old.
So in the evening…
So I don't think it's a human.
Hey, how about a man?
And why did you choose that?
With a morning hangover, he walks on three of them,
looking for a drink with the fourth leg.
By the afternoon, when he sobers up, he walks on two.
And if the evening is good, he's on all four legs again.
Oh, for goodness sakes, how the fuck did you know the answer
to that complicated riddle? Aah!
I have been defeated again!
I can't stand to be disgraced in such a cruel way!
Gnome, wait, I mean dwarf, don't do it!
If such small defeat meant it was the end of the world,
I would have had to shoot myself right after I was born.
Oh… Oh jeez!
Don't just sit on your fucking horse like that. Help me!
Damn, he's heavy.
Boss, please help us.
This stupid leprechaun weighs a hundred kilos.
Thank you so much, my friends.
I have no clue what got into me.
Maybe the booze.
Or maybe the booze.
You can go now though.
I will just lay here and recover in peace and quiet.
Farewell, you stupid fucking dwarf!
Hyah!
I may not be the most brilliant dwarf in all the land,
even so, I will go to Hell for my shrewdness.
I give such easy riddles on purpose.
Told you so! Let's go.
-Hey, she's really not bad at all. -Not bad?
Boss, what are you talking about?
That's the prettiest chick I've ever seen in my life.
Wait here. I'll peek through the window real quick.
Hey…
And that is why number one should always be done
while you are in a sitting position.
And number two's always standing.
Okay, I assessed the situation.
And we can go in.
Who dares intrude on my beautiful, insect infested swamp?
Hey, take it easy there, sweetheart.
We only need you to cast one of your spells
on this crown using some of your magical powers.
Hmm. A crown, you say?
I will promise to grant your single request
if one of you specimens of masculinity satisfies me properly.
The freak over there is out. It will have to be one of you two.
Oh! Then why did I just beat my fucking meat in front of your goddamn window?
-Can't you wait about 15 minutes or so? -I can't do that!
Uh… All right, all right, I will try then.
Go herd some pigs with that limp fucking dick, you parasite!
So, that just leaves this young man right here.
No way. I am very faithful to my girl Mariola.
In that case: goodbye.
Marcinek, don't use your pathetic brain.
Use your…
-Use my heart? -No.
Your pathetic dick.
Oh, Darkest One, we're about to breach the gate.
That's just perfect.
This is where I will build my palace.
I'm sick of living underground like a worm.
Prince, we are losing this war badly!
Maybe we should surrender and raise our white flag?
May the words you just spoke turn into shit, my good sir. It's time to fight.
I would rather die in battle before I surrender this castle!
I mean, if you want it, you got it, my prince!
Those bloody bastards!
Boner, you stupid bungler,
you have completely failed us!
Boss, I can't reach!
Give me your hand!
There is no time, Marcinek. You two wait down there.
Down there, sure. Great fucking place.
This is great. I will be Donatello.
Who do you want to be? Maybe Splinter? You can teach me karate.
That's super. That window over there will be my bedroom.
I'll order a pigsty to be built right below it.
And there will be a pigsty where that tower is.
And another.
Ooh, I love piggies so much.
Who in the hell is that?
That damned Judas, the patron saint of the fucking damned and forgotten!
Oh, for crying out loud, what the hell is going on here?
Boss man, I don't want to make you panic, but…
Let's get the fuck out of here!
Alioettus!
He's on our side now!
So he did end up pulling it off.
At the last moment too.
It's a useful skill.
It saved me thousands of condoms in the past.
-Condom what? -It's basically a dick wrap.
Nevermind that.
We thank you, oh great Alioettus!
Farewell, friends.
Just remember, don't blame me.
Don't worry, my lord. There is a witch living in the swamp.
She will help us get back to Hell.
Stop!
If any of you want to enter the swamp,
you must first solve one of my complicated riddles.
What is it: it walks on three legs in the morning,
only two in the afternoon, but he walks on four in the evening.
-It's a man. -Agh!
I've been defeated again!
I can't stand to be disgraced in such a cruel way!
What a fucking moron. This way.
Oh dammit! Where are you going?
I was totally kidding about hanging myself.
I can't even loosen this by myself. It’s a really tight knot.
Please help me!
THE END