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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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STERCUS
AGRICULTURAL MACHINERY FACTORY
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THE EXORCIST'S ASSISTANT
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Roman! Roman! Roman, wake up!
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SECURITY
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-[grunts] Did something happen?
-Yeah, I went to the liquor store.
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[laughs]
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Boguś, you want to get drunk today
of all days?
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Actually, we always get drunk
while on duty.
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But do you realize
that tonight is a very special night.
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[clanking]
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Oh shit, Boguś,
it’s starting to happen again.
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NATIVE 100%
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-Do you remember the plan?
-No way. Not at all.
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That's excellent.
That's exactly what you need to do.
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Stay right here and just wait.
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-Boguś.
-What?
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You better not fuck up this plan.
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[suspenseful music playing]
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[meowing]
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You're the one that's making
so much damn noise? Get out!
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What is this? Get out! Get going! Get out!
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[meowing]
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Why aren't you scared of me though?
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[gasps] There's someone else
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or something else here
who you think is much scarier than me.
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[suspenseful music playing]
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[chilling music playing]
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[roaring]
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Err… [gasps]
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Who the hell are you?
What do you want with us?
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First of all, human, I am here
to scare the fuck out of you so you die.
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And then once you have died on the floor,
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I will take your soul
from your cold dead body.
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-To hell, or what?
-No, I will trade you!
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[roars]
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[gasps, defecating]
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Wa-wa-wait. Was I just mistaken,
or did you just shit yourself out of fear?
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-Yes.
-That's pretty damn lame.
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You were supposed to collapse
and die of a heart attack!
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What? Was I just not scary enough
for you to realize?
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Well, how about this? [roars]
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Son of a bitch!
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What the hell's wrong?
What the fuck? Why aren’t you dying?
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[man] It's your turn first, you freak!
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[sinister music playing]
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[chuckles]
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[demon] No! What did you do to Krzychu?
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He owed me a lot of money!
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As your punishment, you deserve
to suffer in the most painful way!
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Wow, look, a twenty! Heh!
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Well, that’s a lot more money
than what Krzychu owed me. Ooh!
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All right then,
let's just call it even then, guys.
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I will kill you,
though there's no hard feelings.
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[gargling]
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It's gonna take a while.
I need to collect some more venom.
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[gargling, grunting]
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Well, I got it all.
Say goodbye to your life.
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-Aah!
-Oh, pardon.
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Boguś, you freaking saved us, man!
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That was by accident.
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I ran out of booze, so I was going to take
the forklift to the nearby gas station.
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-My Lord, what's that smell?
-[shushing]
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It's our secret.
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The only thing I can say now is
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that Roman over here
is a pretty fantastic-friggin' actor.
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All right then. The factory's clean now.
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And you two should be fine
for at least a little while longer.
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And I, so that no demonic freaks
can creep up on me from behind again,
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should really think about
hiring myself a reliable assistant.
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[Boner] No, no, no, not a penny.
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Why should I start paying you when it's
a lot cheaper to continue to not pay you?
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[Marcin] Because I'll quit.
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There are better offers
out there for people with my education.
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Marcinek, you don't even have
a real education though.
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Exactly. You name it,
it's there, and here you go.
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Look, a flyer distributor…
What about a seat belt crash test dummy?
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An exorcist's assistant,
swineherd, bottle washer,
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a matrimonial con artist.
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Hey, wait up! A matrimonial con artist!
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Well, that could be
pretty damn interesting.
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Marcin, but I thought
you have a girlfriend.
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Right, so that's not an option.
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How about an exorcist's assistant?
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What exorcist is that?
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It doesn't say. I will apply
for the interview and find out myself.
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-Like hell you'll do that.
-Why don't you get off your ass
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and pay me my past
outstanding paychecks right fucking now!
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[laughs] Don't make me
laugh like that, Marcin.
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"Outstanding paychecks."
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What else then? You want a raise as well?
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That's right, I want a raise.
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And I want at least
two weeks paid leave every year,
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and I would like social security.
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[laughs hysterically]
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-[door slams]
-I’ve had enough of this shit.
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He'll start to miss me before he knows it.
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He's going to beg for me to return.
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"Marcinek, Marcinek, come back!
I promise to buy you a company car."
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"And a new telephone. And… Um…"
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"And maybe a new gym and spa membership."
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And then I'll say,
"And I want casual Fridays."
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And then he will reply with an attitude,
"Well you can casually go fuck yourself!"
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And then finally,
maybe he'll bite his tongue.
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But of course by then,
it will be way too late for Boner.
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[sinister music playing]
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[buzzing]
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[buzzing stops]
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Is there a problem?
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Why don't you put some clothes on, Radek.
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You make me want
to take this angle grinder
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to your tiny dick and cut it off.
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You look like you lost
a gambling bet again.
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First of all, go fuck yourself.
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Second of all, fuck right off.
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-Chicks dig this look though.
-What chicks dig is cash money.
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Don't worry about it.
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When we end up selling
these catalytic converters,
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we'll be swarmed
by a lot of beautiful chicks.
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[chuckles] Yeah.
Okay then, take it to hell.
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We can't even fit any more.
I'll cut out the next one.
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And get dressed.
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If someone catches you like that,
they'll die from laughing so hard.
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A corpse is the last thing I need.
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Here goes nothing then.
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This is goodbye to poverty.
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You were a marvelous temptress.
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I'm gonna miss you.
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What's wrong now?
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Oh no, don’t tell me someone
cut off the damn electricity again.
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That wench is not going
to back down, is she?
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-[chilling music plays]
-Hello there, my friend.
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Whoa, man, what in the hell
are you doing? Are you insane?
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Do you understand
how much this cable cost me?
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Mentally? In the store?
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Wondering if the security guard
saw the lump underneath my sweater?
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[clears throat]
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[in demonic voice] You'll now face
the infuriating pain of the devil’s wrath!
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[yawns]
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I will kill you! [grunts]
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Miras, no!
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Aw gosh-darn it,
I am out of crucifix-daggers already.
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-[grunts]
-Why the-- Fuck you, you little fuck.
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Hey, demon! Hands up right now,
you fucking thief asshole!
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-[neck cracks]
-[grunts]
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Well, Marcin, I have to admit
that really was a clever idea.
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I think you and I are going to make
a pretty remarkable partnership.
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Why, of course we are, boss man.
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Domino, you're the absolute
dumbest fucking creature
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on the face of the planet!
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Well, but of course I am, boss man.
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I must have set up
that snare trap pretty well though,
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since you got your leg
caught in it like that.
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Well, I am going to beat you
upside the head “pretty well”.
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Cut me down from here!
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But how though?
We used a wire rope for this trap.
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Besides, we don’t have time
for games anymore.
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The demons are here.
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God dammit! Domino,
go get the shotgun out of my van!
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Fuck this guy! Let’s fucking attack!
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This stupid bastard is screwed.
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Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Michał, Kleofas, stop.
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-Why? What's wrong?
-What did I tell you two about profanity?
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Oh, Kamil, chill out, everybody is talking
like that this day and age.
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"Fuck" is not a swear word.
It's something you do when you're horny.
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I was talking about
using the word "screwed."
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-That’s a swear word.
-Fuck, I was giving a simple example.
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-That's a swear word.
-You fucking idiot!
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I meant the wonderful thing we do
with the nice lady we all visit.
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Is an AK all right?
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I forgot to pack the shotgun during
all the commotion while getting ready.
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All right. Whatever. Just give it to me.
They're coming.
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Oh damn, there is so much recoil!
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Domino, hide,
or I might shoot you by accident!
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-[gun firing]
-Yeah, thank you for the initial warning.
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Holy Jesus Christ, we are all going to die
in this mushroom warehouse.
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We were so tempted by the easy money,
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but our lives are worth so much more
than being rich.
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That really depends whose life, Kamilek.
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My life honestly isn’t worth
a goddamn thing,
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less than the mushrooms around us
at this warehouse
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Then walk over there and take
that rifle from him before he kills us!
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Whatever you say!
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[firing continues]
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I got it. What now, Kamilek?
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Now turn around and shoot him.
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Oh damn, so much recoil!
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Uh-oh!
190
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Okay then, it's been a nice time, but…
191
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gotta go.
192
00:08:17,793 --> 00:08:20,459
What is going on in here?
Why did I just hear gunshots?
193
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:21,918
Don't worry, Mr. Oślica.
194
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It was pretty tough work,
but all of your mushrooms are safe now.
195
00:08:25,126 --> 00:08:27,793
Can you two please take your heads
out of your stupid asses?
196
00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:29,834
My barn is on the other side
of the street!
197
00:08:29,918 --> 00:08:33,043
What? Domino, how many times did
I tell you to double check the address?
198
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I never double checked it.
199
00:08:34,376 --> 00:08:37,043
God dammit. When Walasik sees us
in his mushroom warehouse
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00:08:37,126 --> 00:08:38,584
covered in blood and dead bodies,
201
00:08:38,668 --> 00:08:40,959
he will tear out our legs
and use them as golf clubs.
202
00:08:41,043 --> 00:08:43,209
We should get the hell out of here
before it’s too late.
203
00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:45,459
-[gun fires]
-And it’s too late.
204
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All those foolish enough who dare to enter
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the grand fungus treasury
of the Mushroom King,
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are doomed to die a most painful death!
207
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Walasik! Walasik, don't shoot!
It's me! Oślica!
208
00:08:56,293 --> 00:08:57,376
I know it's you!
209
00:08:57,459 --> 00:09:00,293
You think that I didn't recognize
your stupid ass face from over here?
210
00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:02,918
“Mushroom King," my fucking ass he is.
211
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,959
If he is a king, I'm the ace of spades.
212
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,126
-Or a joker.
-[gun fires]
213
00:09:06,209 --> 00:09:07,043
He's gonna kill us.
214
00:09:07,126 --> 00:09:09,209
Walasik, please come to your senses
and let us live!
215
00:09:09,293 --> 00:09:11,001
I will let you all live
216
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,293
if you tell me how in the damn world
you are able to sell
217
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so many more mushrooms than I do.
218
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Over my dead rotting body!
219
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Ah, don’t you worry
your stupid bushy eyebrows,
220
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we will make that a reality
very soon here.
221
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My perfect first-class mushrooms.
222
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Ripe, a nice shade of white,
223
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so fresh and clean
they don’t even need to be washed
224
00:09:27,168 --> 00:09:28,001
Of course not.
225
00:09:28,084 --> 00:09:30,418
Every morning a huge eighteen wheeler
comes to Oślica’s
226
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to pick up dozens
of mushroom shipping containers.
227
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[Oślica] Okay!
Okay, don't shoot! I'll tell you!
228
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Well?
229
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I choose to grow
the shitty mushrooms on purpose.
230
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They are third-class ones.
231
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I don’t believe you!
This is just a made up class!
232
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They're at my warehouse.
You can go see for yourself.
233
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My method is simple,
and it doesn't require any cultivation.
234
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They grow however they please.
235
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Half of them rot,
while the other half gets eaten by worms.
236
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In your opinion,
what's the best variety for gastronomy,
237
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or for most of your wholesale customers?
238
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Champignon.
It's champignons, I'm pretty sure.
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00:09:58,959 --> 00:10:02,209
Champignon, my ass.
The cheapest mushroom is the best kind.
240
00:10:02,293 --> 00:10:04,084
And that is what I offer to customers.
241
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,918
What if I sell the mushrooms
at a cheaper cost
242
00:10:06,001 --> 00:10:07,293
when growing costs are nothing.
243
00:10:07,376 --> 00:10:10,209
You will still invest four zloty
only to earn five of them back.
244
00:10:10,293 --> 00:10:12,584
I earn 250 zloty per kilo.
245
00:10:12,668 --> 00:10:14,501
But I invest absolutely zero.
246
00:10:14,584 --> 00:10:16,959
Also sometimes,
I even earn more money growing alone,
247
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:19,418
since a septic tank
is much cheaper than irrigation.
248
00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:20,334
Septic tank?
249
00:10:20,418 --> 00:10:22,418
Yeah, you need to water the mushrooms
with a liquid.
250
00:10:22,501 --> 00:10:25,834
Right. So, uh, do you need partner
to assist you in growing, Oślica?
251
00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:27,501
If you do, I'm also interested.
252
00:10:27,584 --> 00:10:28,793
I don’t know about this.
253
00:10:28,876 --> 00:10:31,959
I won’t shoot you anymore, I promise.
Not even when I'm drunk.
254
00:10:32,043 --> 00:10:33,418
Ah, what the hell! Partners!
255
00:10:33,501 --> 00:10:35,876
I’m only joining up with Walasik,
since he already has assets.
256
00:10:35,959 --> 00:10:37,959
Thank you, boss man. So what is the plan?
257
00:10:38,043 --> 00:10:41,168
First of all,
you cannot use any water at all anymore.
258
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:43,459
-Our quality has to start matching.
-And second of all?
259
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,126
And second of all,
settle my debt with this fine gentleman.
260
00:10:46,209 --> 00:10:47,793
-Two hundred zloty.
-Yes, yes, of course.
261
00:10:48,709 --> 00:10:52,418
[laughs] What did I say?
We can do this with just the two of us.
262
00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:54,709
Here, I have been carrying
the keys to your van.
263
00:10:55,251 --> 00:10:56,918
-[splashes]
-[sighs]
264
00:10:57,418 --> 00:11:00,626
I think we need to go find
and apologize to Marcinek now.
265
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:01,543
THE END
266
00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:03,626
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
267
00:11:03,709 --> 00:11:06,793
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
268
00:11:06,876 --> 00:11:09,876
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
269
00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:13,126
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
270
00:11:13,209 --> 00:11:17,418
[malevolent laugh]