A NETFLIX SERIES
STERCUS AGRICULTURAL MACHINERY FACTORY
THE EXORCIST'S ASSISTANT
Roman! Roman! Roman, wake up!
SECURITY
-Did something happen? -Yeah, I went to the liquor store.
Boguś, you want to get drunk today of all days?
Actually, we always get drunk while on duty.
But do you realize that tonight is a very special night.
Oh shit, Boguś, it’s starting to happen again.
NATIVE 100%
-Do you remember the plan? -No way. Not at all.
That's excellent. That's exactly what you need to do.
Stay right here and just wait.
-Boguś. -What?
You better not fuck up this plan.
You're the one that's making so much damn noise? Get out!
What is this? Get out! Get going! Get out!
Why aren't you scared of me though?
There's someone else
or something else here who you think is much scarier than me.
Err…
Who the hell are you? What do you want with us?
First of all, human, I am here to scare the fuck out of you so you die.
And then once you have died on the floor,
I will take your soul from your cold dead body.
-To hell, or what? -No, I will trade you!
Wa-wa-wait. Was I just mistaken, or did you just shit yourself out of fear?
-Yes. -That's pretty damn lame.
You were supposed to collapse and die of a heart attack!
What? Was I just not scary enough for you to realize?
Well, how about this?
Son of a bitch!
What the hell's wrong? What the fuck? Why aren’t you dying?
It's your turn first, you freak!
No! What did you do to Krzychu?
He owed me a lot of money!
As your punishment, you deserve to suffer in the most painful way!
Wow, look, a twenty! Heh!
Well, that’s a lot more money than what Krzychu owed me. Ooh!
All right then, let's just call it even then, guys.
I will kill you, though there's no hard feelings.
It's gonna take a while. I need to collect some more venom.
Well, I got it all. Say goodbye to your life.
-Aah! -Oh, pardon.
Boguś, you freaking saved us, man!
That was by accident.
I ran out of booze, so I was going to take the forklift to the nearby gas station.
My Lord, what's that smell?
It's our secret.
The only thing I can say now is
that Roman over here is a pretty fantastic-friggin' actor.
All right then. The factory's clean now.
And you two should be fine for at least a little while longer.
And I, so that no demonic freaks can creep up on me from behind again,
should really think about hiring myself a reliable assistant.
No, no, no, not a penny.
Why should I start paying you when it's a lot cheaper to continue to not pay you?
Because I'll quit.
There are better offers out there for people with my education.
Marcinek, you don't even have a real education though.
Exactly. You name it, it's there, and here you go.
Look, a flyer distributor… What about a seat belt crash test dummy?
An exorcist's assistant, swineherd, bottle washer,
a matrimonial con artist.
Hey, wait up! A matrimonial con artist!
Well, that could be pretty damn interesting.
Marcin, but I thought you have a girlfriend.
Right, so that's not an option.
How about an exorcist's assistant?
What exorcist is that?
It doesn't say. I will apply for the interview and find out myself.
-Like hell you'll do that. -Why don't you get off your ass
and pay me my past outstanding paychecks right fucking now!
Don't make me laugh like that, Marcin.
"Outstanding paychecks."
What else then? You want a raise as well?
That's right, I want a raise.
And I want at least two weeks paid leave every year,
and I would like social security.
I’ve had enough of this shit.
He'll start to miss me before he knows it.
He's going to beg for me to return.
"Marcinek, Marcinek, come back! I promise to buy you a company car."
"And a new telephone. And… Um…"
"And maybe a new gym and spa membership."
And then I'll say, "And I want casual Fridays."
And then he will reply with an attitude, "Well you can casually go fuck yourself!"
And then finally, maybe he'll bite his tongue.
But of course by then, it will be way too late for Boner.
Is there a problem?
Why don't you put some clothes on, Radek.
You make me want to take this angle grinder
to your tiny dick and cut it off.
You look like you lost a gambling bet again.
First of all, go fuck yourself.
Second of all, fuck right off.
-Chicks dig this look though. -What chicks dig is cash money.
Don't worry about it.
When we end up selling these catalytic converters,
we'll be swarmed by a lot of beautiful chicks.
Yeah. Okay then, take it to hell.
We can't even fit any more. I'll cut out the next one.
And get dressed.
If someone catches you like that, they'll die from laughing so hard.
A corpse is the last thing I need.
Here goes nothing then.
This is goodbye to poverty.
You were a marvelous temptress.
I'm gonna miss you.
What's wrong now?
Oh no, don’t tell me someone cut off the damn electricity again.
That wench is not going to back down, is she?
Hello there, my friend.
Whoa, man, what in the hell are you doing? Are you insane?
Do you understand how much this cable cost me?
Mentally? In the store?
Wondering if the security guard saw the lump underneath my sweater?
You'll now face the infuriating pain of the devil’s wrath!
I will kill you!
Miras, no!
Aw gosh-darn it, I am out of crucifix-daggers already.
Why the-- Fuck you, you little fuck.
Hey, demon! Hands up right now, you fucking thief asshole!
Well, Marcin, I have to admit that really was a clever idea.
I think you and I are going to make a pretty remarkable partnership.
Why, of course we are, boss man.
Domino, you're the absolute dumbest fucking creature
on the face of the planet!
Well, but of course I am, boss man.
I must have set up that snare trap pretty well though,
since you got your leg caught in it like that.
Well, I am going to beat you upside the head “pretty well”.
Cut me down from here!
But how though? We used a wire rope for this trap.
Besides, we don’t have time for games anymore.
The demons are here.
God dammit! Domino, go get the shotgun out of my van!
Fuck this guy! Let’s fucking attack!
This stupid bastard is screwed.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Michał, Kleofas, stop.
-Why? What's wrong? -What did I tell you two about profanity?
Oh, Kamil, chill out, everybody is talking like that this day and age.
"Fuck" is not a swear word. It's something you do when you're horny.
I was talking about using the word "screwed."
-That’s a swear word. -Fuck, I was giving a simple example.
-That's a swear word. -You fucking idiot!
I meant the wonderful thing we do with the nice lady we all visit.
Is an AK all right?
I forgot to pack the shotgun during all the commotion while getting ready.
All right. Whatever. Just give it to me. They're coming.
Oh damn, there is so much recoil!
Domino, hide, or I might shoot you by accident!
Yeah, thank you for the initial warning.
Holy Jesus Christ, we are all going to die in this mushroom warehouse.
We were so tempted by the easy money,
but our lives are worth so much more than being rich.
That really depends whose life, Kamilek.
My life honestly isn’t worth a goddamn thing,
less than the mushrooms around us at this warehouse
Then walk over there and take that rifle from him before he kills us!
Whatever you say!
I got it. What now, Kamilek?
Now turn around and shoot him.
Oh damn, so much recoil!
Uh-oh!
Okay then, it's been a nice time, but…
gotta go.
What is going on in here? Why did I just hear gunshots?
Don't worry, Mr. Oślica.
It was pretty tough work, but all of your mushrooms are safe now.
Can you two please take your heads out of your stupid asses?
My barn is on the other side of the street!
What? Domino, how many times did I tell you to double check the address?
I never double checked it.
God dammit. When Walasik sees us in his mushroom warehouse
covered in blood and dead bodies,
he will tear out our legs and use them as golf clubs.
We should get the hell out of here before it’s too late.
And it’s too late.
All those foolish enough who dare to enter
the grand fungus treasury of the Mushroom King,
are doomed to die a most painful death!
Walasik! Walasik, don't shoot! It's me! Oślica!
I know it's you!
You think that I didn't recognize your stupid ass face from over here?
“Mushroom King," my fucking ass he is.
If he is a king, I'm the ace of spades.
Or a joker.
He's gonna kill us.
Walasik, please come to your senses and let us live!
I will let you all live
if you tell me how in the damn world you are able to sell
so many more mushrooms than I do.
Over my dead rotting body!
Ah, don’t you worry your stupid bushy eyebrows,
we will make that a reality very soon here.
My perfect first-class mushrooms.
Ripe, a nice shade of white,
so fresh and clean they don’t even need to be washed
Of course not.
Every morning a huge eighteen wheeler comes to Oślica’s
to pick up dozens of mushroom shipping containers.
Okay! Okay, don't shoot! I'll tell you!
Well?
I choose to grow the shitty mushrooms on purpose.
They are third-class ones.
I don’t believe you! This is just a made up class!
They're at my warehouse. You can go see for yourself.
My method is simple, and it doesn't require any cultivation.
They grow however they please.
Half of them rot, while the other half gets eaten by worms.
In your opinion, what's the best variety for gastronomy,
or for most of your wholesale customers?
Champignon. It's champignons, I'm pretty sure.
Champignon, my ass. The cheapest mushroom is the best kind.
And that is what I offer to customers.
What if I sell the mushrooms at a cheaper cost
when growing costs are nothing.
You will still invest four zloty only to earn five of them back.
I earn 250 zloty per kilo.
But I invest absolutely zero.
Also sometimes, I even earn more money growing alone,
since a septic tank is much cheaper than irrigation.
Septic tank?
Yeah, you need to water the mushrooms with a liquid.
Right. So, uh, do you need partner to assist you in growing, Oślica?
If you do, I'm also interested.
I don’t know about this.
I won’t shoot you anymore, I promise. Not even when I'm drunk.
Ah, what the hell! Partners!
I’m only joining up with Walasik, since he already has assets.
Thank you, boss man. So what is the plan?
First of all, you cannot use any water at all anymore.
-Our quality has to start matching. -And second of all?
And second of all, settle my debt with this fine gentleman.
-Two hundred zloty. -Yes, yes, of course.
What did I say? We can do this with just the two of us.
Here, I have been carrying the keys to your van.
I think we need to go find and apologize to Marcinek now.
THE END