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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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Oh no, my religion forbids me
from swimming in septic tanks.
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FATHER
5
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And which religion is it exactly
that you follow, Domino?
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Non-believer. I threw those keys
to you absolutely perfectly.
7
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You didn’t even try to catch them, like
cops when there’s a white murder suspect.
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Are you refusing to carry out
an order from your boss?
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Then say goodbye to your bonus
for this year.
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-Ha! Two minuses combined make a plus.
-[phone ringing]
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-Hello?
-If it's Marcin, tell him I say hi, boss
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He's in the hospital?
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Holy Saint Mary, how did he end up there?
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-What? So he was poisoned?
-Well, he had that coming.
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It was probably his own damn fault.
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Did I not tell him that a vegetarian diet
is only for people who are vegetarian?
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Normal people die from that shit.
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-Okay, I'll be right there.
-Marcin's in the hospital?
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-Worse. It's my old man.
-Wait, you have an old man, old man?
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[chuckles] Oh God,
that is so fucking redundant.
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An old man's got an old man.
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Shut the fuck up, Domino,
jump down in the sewer and get the keys!
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-Oh no, not… No!
-[splashing]
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Got them!
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HOSPITAL
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Father?
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Boguś, you are my only son.
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You're here.
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Nah, I'm not your only son.
Don’t you remember your other son, Stefan.
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I don't want to hear that name ever again,
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that fucking educated pansy.
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His last name
should definitely be Flaccid.
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He’s not a Boner.
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Got any booze?
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Dad, come on. Do you really think
I would have come without this?
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Give me a shot to level out,
I'm way amped up on Adderall.
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Aah…
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Father, since someone decided
to poison you,
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and we really don’t know who
or what the hell they used
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maybe this isn't the best time
for you to be drinking alcohol.
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-Stefan!
-[sighs]
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Aah…
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[gulping]
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[sighs]
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Damn, that is what I needed.
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It takes me back to some old memories.
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-Remember, Boguś?
-No, not really.
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I remember exactly how
that evening panned out.
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As clearly as if it had happened
just about thirty years ago or so.
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Possibly because it did happen
just about thirty years ago or so.
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I had been teaching you
since you were little.
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You soaked up all the knowledge
like a stuponge.
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A stupid person and a sponge combo.
So not very well.
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Pour that booze down my mouth
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like it’s a urinal
that was just hooked up to a sewer.
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JULY
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[roars] Oh, Jesus!
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But it is the fourth bottle!
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Dad, you should probably
stop drinking this bottle or you'll die.
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Do as you’re told,
you little fucking shithead.
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It is the only way
to exorcise those demons in my body!
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[roaring]
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[exasperated sigh]
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Never argue with complete idiots
and don't argue with your father.
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[gul[ping]
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[whistles] He definitely just exceeded
his lethal dose after that last sip.
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Come on, Cipek, we're done here.
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Kiddo! Do it now!
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[chuckles]
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[vomits]
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Oh no, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I just wasted a bunch of fuel.
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This is bad.
I think I'm starting to sober up.
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Don’t you dare open the windows in here.
I want to inhale the vapors. [roars]
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[snarls, gasps]
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[Father] That's when I knew that not all
of the demons that had been torturing me
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had left their hiding place.
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There was still one hidden inside me.
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The most dangerous dark demon of them all,
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was patiently waiting to jump out
when you screwed up
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and freed me from the rope
that was holding me down,
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actually rather,
set him free from the rope for good.
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When you decided to cut the rope,
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it was already way too late
to attempt getting any help.
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[laughing evilly]
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So it looks like we have a stalemate.
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You wouldn’t think of shooting
your old man now, could you?
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He shot me. Are you serious?
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I need to leave this damaged body,
or I will die inside of him.
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Yee-haw!
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Phew! I made it out.
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Luckily, it turned out that your
shooting skills were so damn terrible,
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that they reminded me
of your learning skills.
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You missed my body completely
and you were only ten centimeters away.
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But that’s when,
I realized right at that moment,
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that you actually
had some potential after all.
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If we survived this, of course.
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[roaring]
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Phew! We will be safe here for now.
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Really too bad though,
we were both brutally murdered.
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-[door slams]
-[grunts]
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You know what to do
when I put this jar down.
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-[young Boner] But…
-[demon] Sit down!
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[young Boner] I would rather die.
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[screaming]
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No, hold on.
We couldn’t have died that night,
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or we wouldn’t be speaking to each other
like this 30 years later in the hospital.
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I got it completely mixed up
with a different story somehow.
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I guess I was just in bed totally wasted
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and didn’t realize the rest was a dream
in my head.
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[woman] Here you are, you fucking twit!
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I did not divorce this sorry asshole
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and then take complete custody
of my children,
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just so you can hang out
with this low life piece of shit drunk.
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What low life piece of shit drunk, Mother,
for real though?
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Dad is just asleep
because he's tired of unemployment.
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You have got a wonderful, new,
reliable father now.
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Why don't you just forget
about this stupid bum?
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[car door closes]
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[somber music playing]
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[crickets chirping]
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[heavy metal music playing
over headphones]
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A GHOST FROM THE BASEMENT
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-♪ This is him ♪
-[rock tapping on window]
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♪ Passes out at every party ♪
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[slamming]
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-Daddy?
-No, it's a fucking draft.
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Are you gonna help out your father?
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What should I do?
129
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First of all, help me get these
new wheels here into the back of the van.
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I will fill you in on the rest later.
131
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Dad, where are we heading right now?
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We are going to end this, my son.
We have to do what we have to do.
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You were too young then,
134
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and my hangover was too big
to get into the details.
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During the 1990s
the entire country of Poland
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was engulfed in a merciless golden age
of organized crime and corruption.
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Mobsters, gangsters,
extortionists, kidnappings.
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Also, there was counterfeit gasoline,
and, of course, prostitution.
139
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In other words, it was referred to
as the criminal El Dorado.
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The most powerful human
was definitely Pershing.
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Officially, anyway.
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And that dangerous man Pershing,
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was just following the orders
of that stupid Beelzebutt,
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who decided to shack up
in Pershing’s palace in Pruszków.
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He enjoyed torturing and ruling over
the Polish underworld so much,
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that he decided to stay
on the surface of the Earth permanently.
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Well, he probably could have,
148
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,168
but he went and made one crucial error.
149
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He decided to step
on the wrong person’s toes,
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in the wrong place,
at the wrong damn time.
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00:06:23,543 --> 00:06:25,459
You’ve got a choice to make here, Boner.
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Either you start paying us
for protection every single month,
153
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or we are going to burn this pizza place
to the ground.
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I will give you a choice too:
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either fuck off now
or just go ahead piss off forever.
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Why, you…
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[tires screeching]
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[Father] That crossed the line.
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-[brakes squealing]
-[van rattling]
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Oh damn, that is a really nice crib.
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I thought my damn stepdad was super-rich,
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but this asshole
is almost as wealthy as Jeff Bezos.
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Yeah, not for very long though.
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[spits] Hmm.
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HOLY WATER WHOLESALER
HALLELUJAH
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[van rattling]
167
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-[brakes squeal]
-[horn honking]
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-Hello?
-Open up now, Natanek, you fucking idiot.
169
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Do you not recognize my van?
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-How is it?
-Pretty bad.
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I would understand a 100 liters.
Or even 200 for consecrating the fields.
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MILK
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Who orders an entire tanker full
of holy water?
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I'm done. My arm will fall off
if I keep waving that holy water crap.
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Bless it!
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Can you not just have the priest
bless the entire tank of water at once?
177
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No, it would be way too diluted to use.
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The holy water has to be at least
ninety-eight proof blessed
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just like a rectified spirit.
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The dummy doesn’t know anything.
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Your freaking mom is a dummy!
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-[grunting]
-[struggling]
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Boguś, this is no time to play.
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It is time to eliminate
that stupid gold lord of darkness.
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[dramatic music plays]
186
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[cock crowing]
187
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[humming]
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Just another beautiful day
doing very evil things.
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00:08:05,668 --> 00:08:06,959
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la ♪
190
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♪ But first, my morning bath
In a tub of milk ♪
191
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♪ Like a fat cat ♪
192
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♪ I'll take a lazy shower
For that will give me power ♪
193
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[whistling tune]
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[Father] You remember correctly.
195
00:08:16,376 --> 00:08:18,334
We decided to replace his milk tank
196
00:08:18,418 --> 00:08:21,876
with a massive tanker that we had filled
full of blessed holy water instead.
197
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:25,418
The incidents that followed, panned out
like a good party on a Saturday night.
198
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:27,168
I didn’t get to make sweet love
with a chick
199
00:08:27,251 --> 00:08:28,459
and the police didn’t arrest me
200
00:08:28,543 --> 00:08:30,793
for being way too drunk
and destroying government property.
201
00:08:30,876 --> 00:08:31,918
But to be honest with you,
202
00:08:32,001 --> 00:08:35,126
that situation happened
to be absolutely explosive.
203
00:08:35,209 --> 00:08:36,751
[whistling]
204
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:38,418
Fucking hell, what is this?
205
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:39,793
Aah! It burns!
206
00:08:39,876 --> 00:08:41,709
Damn, this smells li… [sniffs]
207
00:08:41,793 --> 00:08:43,168
It's blessed holy water!
208
00:08:43,251 --> 00:08:44,668
[screams]
209
00:08:48,709 --> 00:08:49,959
What are you doing here?
210
00:08:50,043 --> 00:08:52,459
You want to collect protection money
from Polish pizza shops, huh?
211
00:08:52,543 --> 00:08:54,251
Well, now you're
gonna look like burnt crust
212
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,709
for the rest of your unnatural
fucking life, you Beelzefuck.
213
00:08:56,793 --> 00:09:00,293
[grunts] I'll get revenge! You hear me?
There will be revenge!
214
00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:02,793
Even when we happen to meet
30 years in the future
215
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,876
when you have aged,
and you are decrepit and senile.
216
00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:06,709
Kiddo, do it now!
217
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,626
[shouting] It fucking burns!
218
00:09:09,709 --> 00:09:13,793
Okay, it's not safe here anymore.
I am teleporting back to hell.
219
00:09:14,668 --> 00:09:16,501
[whizzing, crackling]
220
00:09:19,043 --> 00:09:21,793
Um, gentlemen, just stay calm now, fellas.
221
00:09:21,876 --> 00:09:22,793
Why calm down, man?
222
00:09:22,876 --> 00:09:25,626
He finally got the hell out
of my house because of what you just did.
223
00:09:25,709 --> 00:09:28,168
I am finally the boss again now! [laughs]
224
00:09:28,251 --> 00:09:30,459
We need to celebrate!
Preferably in Cancun.
225
00:09:30,543 --> 00:09:33,168
Follow me, Meathead.
It's time to go throw a massive party!
226
00:09:33,251 --> 00:09:34,459
[tires squealing]
227
00:09:34,543 --> 00:09:36,543
And since that very afternoon,
228
00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:39,668
Beelzebutt has had dark reddish burnt skin
all over his body,
229
00:09:39,751 --> 00:09:41,834
and hasn’t left hell once since that day.
230
00:09:41,918 --> 00:09:44,084
I just can’t believe
that after 30 whole long years,
231
00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,709
Beezlebutt has finally returned
to make an attempt on my life.
232
00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:48,334
And I am lying here slowly decaying
233
00:09:48,418 --> 00:09:50,209
in this hospital bed
because of that asshole.
234
00:09:50,293 --> 00:09:51,668
[snoring]
235
00:09:53,918 --> 00:09:56,834
[grunts] What? Oh.
Sorry, Dad, I wasn't listening.
236
00:09:56,918 --> 00:09:59,334
I kinda spaced out when you got to
the part about the sponge.
237
00:09:59,418 --> 00:10:01,584
Did you happen to say
anything else after that?
238
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:02,501
Father?
239
00:10:03,251 --> 00:10:04,084
Father?
240
00:10:04,918 --> 00:10:05,959
Oh shit-balls.
241
00:10:06,918 --> 00:10:08,459
[flies buzzing]
242
00:10:08,543 --> 00:10:10,543
[horn honking]
243
00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:13,543
[laughing]
244
00:10:13,626 --> 00:10:16,209
Your old man didn’t want
to pay the protection plan.
245
00:10:16,293 --> 00:10:18,001
He ate a bad fritter.
246
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,543
Then his life took a turn
and he ended in the shitter.
247
00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:22,209
But that doesn't make any sense though.
248
00:10:22,293 --> 00:10:24,001
The point I'm making is, it was me.
249
00:10:24,084 --> 00:10:27,709
I poisoned your old man,
just as I promised him thirty years ago.
250
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,251
[malevolent laughter]
251
00:10:29,334 --> 00:10:32,084
And you should probably order
a pair of caskets while you're at it,
252
00:10:32,168 --> 00:10:34,834
because you are definitely
the next one to die.
253
00:10:34,918 --> 00:10:37,459
Do you hear me?
You're next, Exorcist Boner.
254
00:10:37,543 --> 00:10:38,751
See you soon.
255
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:41,918
[growls]
256
00:10:42,001 --> 00:10:44,001
Damn you, Beelzebutt!
257
00:10:44,084 --> 00:10:48,209
We are going to meet again, you asshole!
Do you hear me?
258
00:10:48,751 --> 00:10:50,501
Hello? Marcinek?
259
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:53,293
Okay, whatever then.
I'll start to pay for your insurance.
260
00:10:53,376 --> 00:10:54,209
THE END
261
00:10:54,293 --> 00:10:56,334
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
262
00:10:56,418 --> 00:10:59,543
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
263
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:02,418
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
264
00:11:02,501 --> 00:11:05,834
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
265
00:11:05,918 --> 00:11:09,793
[malevolent laugh]