A NETFLIX SERIES
Oh no, my religion forbids me from swimming in septic tanks.
FATHER
And which religion is it exactly that you follow, Domino?
Non-believer. I threw those keys to you absolutely perfectly.
You didn’t even try to catch them, like cops when there’s a white murder suspect.
Are you refusing to carry out an order from your boss?
Then say goodbye to your bonus for this year.
Ha! Two minuses combined make a plus.
-Hello? -If it's Marcin, tell him I say hi, boss
He's in the hospital?
Holy Saint Mary, how did he end up there?
-What? So he was poisoned? -Well, he had that coming.
It was probably his own damn fault.
Did I not tell him that a vegetarian diet is only for people who are vegetarian?
Normal people die from that shit.
-Okay, I'll be right there. -Marcin's in the hospital?
-Worse. It's my old man. -Wait, you have an old man, old man?
Oh God, that is so fucking redundant.
An old man's got an old man.
Shut the fuck up, Domino, jump down in the sewer and get the keys!
Oh no, not… No!
Got them!
HOSPITAL
Father?
Boguś, you are my only son.
You're here.
Nah, I'm not your only son. Don’t you remember your other son, Stefan.
I don't want to hear that name ever again,
that fucking educated pansy.
His last name should definitely be Flaccid.
He’s not a Boner.
Got any booze?
Dad, come on. Do you really think I would have come without this?
Give me a shot to level out, I'm way amped up on Adderall.
Aah…
Father, since someone decided to poison you,
and we really don’t know who or what the hell they used
maybe this isn't the best time for you to be drinking alcohol.
Stefan!
Aah…
Damn, that is what I needed.
It takes me back to some old memories.
-Remember, Boguś? -No, not really.
I remember exactly how that evening panned out.
As clearly as if it had happened just about thirty years ago or so.
Possibly because it did happen just about thirty years ago or so.
I had been teaching you since you were little.
You soaked up all the knowledge like a stuponge.
A stupid person and a sponge combo. So not very well.
Pour that booze down my mouth
like it’s a urinal that was just hooked up to a sewer.
JULY
Oh, Jesus!
But it is the fourth bottle!
Dad, you should probably stop drinking this bottle or you'll die.
Do as you’re told, you little fucking shithead.
It is the only way to exorcise those demons in my body!
Never argue with complete idiots and don't argue with your father.
He definitely just exceeded his lethal dose after that last sip.
Come on, Cipek, we're done here.
Kiddo! Do it now!
Oh no, fuck, fuck, fuck. I just wasted a bunch of fuel.
This is bad. I think I'm starting to sober up.
Don’t you dare open the windows in here. I want to inhale the vapors.
That's when I knew that not all of the demons that had been torturing me
had left their hiding place.
There was still one hidden inside me.
The most dangerous dark demon of them all,
was patiently waiting to jump out when you screwed up
and freed me from the rope that was holding me down,
actually rather, set him free from the rope for good.
When you decided to cut the rope,
it was already way too late to attempt getting any help.
So it looks like we have a stalemate.
You wouldn’t think of shooting your old man now, could you?
He shot me. Are you serious?
I need to leave this damaged body, or I will die inside of him.
Yee-haw!
Phew! I made it out.
Luckily, it turned out that your shooting skills were so damn terrible,
that they reminded me of your learning skills.
You missed my body completely and you were only ten centimeters away.
But that’s when, I realized right at that moment,
that you actually had some potential after all.
If we survived this, of course.
Phew! We will be safe here for now.
Really too bad though, we were both brutally murdered.
You know what to do when I put this jar down.
-But… -Sit down!
I would rather die.
No, hold on. We couldn’t have died that night,
or we wouldn’t be speaking to each other like this 30 years later in the hospital.
I got it completely mixed up with a different story somehow.
I guess I was just in bed totally wasted
and didn’t realize the rest was a dream in my head.
Here you are, you fucking twit!
I did not divorce this sorry asshole
and then take complete custody of my children,
just so you can hang out with this low life piece of shit drunk.
What low life piece of shit drunk, Mother, for real though?
Dad is just asleep because he's tired of unemployment.
You have got a wonderful, new, reliable father now.
Why don't you just forget about this stupid bum?
A GHOST FROM THE BASEMENT
-Daddy? -No, it's a fucking draft.
Are you gonna help out your father?
What should I do?
First of all, help me get these new wheels here into the back of the van.
I will fill you in on the rest later.
Dad, where are we heading right now?
We are going to end this, my son. We have to do what we have to do.
You were too young then,
and my hangover was too big to get into the details.
During the 1990s the entire country of Poland
was engulfed in a merciless golden age of organized crime and corruption.
Mobsters, gangsters, extortionists, kidnappings.
Also, there was counterfeit gasoline, and, of course, prostitution.
In other words, it was referred to as the criminal El Dorado.
The most powerful human was definitely Pershing.
Officially, anyway.
And that dangerous man Pershing,
was just following the orders of that stupid Beelzebutt,
who decided to shack up in Pershing’s palace in Pruszków.
He enjoyed torturing and ruling over the Polish underworld so much,
that he decided to stay on the surface of the Earth permanently.
Well, he probably could have,
but he went and made one crucial error.
He decided to step on the wrong person’s toes,
in the wrong place, at the wrong damn time.
You’ve got a choice to make here, Boner.
Either you start paying us for protection every single month,
or we are going to burn this pizza place to the ground.
I will give you a choice too:
either fuck off now or just go ahead piss off forever.
Why, you…
That crossed the line.
Oh damn, that is a really nice crib.
I thought my damn stepdad was super-rich,
but this asshole is almost as wealthy as Jeff Bezos.
Yeah, not for very long though.
Hmm.
HOLY WATER WHOLESALER HALLELUJAH
-Hello? -Open up now, Natanek, you fucking idiot.
Do you not recognize my van?
-How is it? -Pretty bad.
I would understand a 100 liters. Or even 200 for consecrating the fields.
MILK
Who orders an entire tanker full of holy water?
I'm done. My arm will fall off if I keep waving that holy water crap.
Bless it!
Can you not just have the priest bless the entire tank of water at once?
No, it would be way too diluted to use.
The holy water has to be at least ninety-eight proof blessed
just like a rectified spirit.
The dummy doesn’t know anything.
Your freaking mom is a dummy!
Boguś, this is no time to play.
It is time to eliminate that stupid gold lord of darkness.
Just another beautiful day doing very evil things.
You remember correctly.
We decided to replace his milk tank
with a massive tanker that we had filled full of blessed holy water instead.
The incidents that followed, panned out like a good party on a Saturday night.
I didn’t get to make sweet love with a chick
and the police didn’t arrest me
for being way too drunk and destroying government property.
But to be honest with you,
that situation happened to be absolutely explosive.
Fucking hell, what is this?
Aah! It burns!
Damn, this smells li…
It's blessed holy water!
What are you doing here?
You want to collect protection money from Polish pizza shops, huh?
Well, now you're gonna look like burnt crust
for the rest of your unnatural fucking life, you Beelzefuck.
I'll get revenge! You hear me? There will be revenge!
Even when we happen to meet 30 years in the future
when you have aged, and you are decrepit and senile.
Kiddo, do it now!
It fucking burns!
Okay, it's not safe here anymore. I am teleporting back to hell.
Um, gentlemen, just stay calm now, fellas.
Why calm down, man?
He finally got the hell out of my house because of what you just did.
I am finally the boss again now!
We need to celebrate! Preferably in Cancun.
Follow me, Meathead. It's time to go throw a massive party!
And since that very afternoon,
Beelzebutt has had dark reddish burnt skin all over his body,
and hasn’t left hell once since that day.
I just can’t believe that after 30 whole long years,
Beezlebutt has finally returned to make an attempt on my life.
And I am lying here slowly decaying
in this hospital bed because of that asshole.
What? Oh. Sorry, Dad, I wasn't listening.
I kinda spaced out when you got to the part about the sponge.
Did you happen to say anything else after that?
Father?
Oh shit-balls.
Your old man didn’t want to pay the protection plan.
He ate a bad fritter.
Then his life took a turn and he ended in the shitter.
But that doesn't make any sense though.
The point I'm making is, it was me.
I poisoned your old man, just as I promised him thirty years ago.
And you should probably order a pair of caskets while you're at it,
because you are definitely the next one to die.
Do you hear me? You're next, Exorcist Boner.
See you soon.
Damn you, Beelzebutt!
We are going to meet again, you asshole! Do you hear me?
Hello? Marcinek?
Okay, whatever then. I'll start to pay for your insurance.
THE END