1 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,280 [door opens] 2 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:10,320 [tense music playing] 3 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,320 - [officer] Can I help you? - Uh, yeah. Um... 4 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:24,400 I would like to report something. How does it work? 5 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,920 What would you like to report? 6 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:30,200 I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm, like, I'm getting stalked. 7 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,400 - By a man or a woman? - A woman. 8 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,480 Have you had a sexual relationship with this woman? 9 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:38,640 No, I... I haven't. She's a bit older than me. 10 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,200 Age is generally not a factor we consider. 11 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:44,880 No, of course. I can assure you, though, I... I absolutely haven't. 12 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,120 Okay. You say this woman's stalking you? 13 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,600 Yeah. She comes to my work. She comes to my house. 14 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,200 She sends me emails, like... like all the time. 15 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,640 Are any threatening towards ya? 16 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,480 Oh, I'm sure. I mean... I mean, let me just open up a random one. Here. 17 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,440 I wouldn't say that's particularly threatening. 18 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,160 [sighs] They're... they're in here somewhere. 19 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,720 I just need to sift through all of the... [sighs] 20 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,480 Look, I'm... I'm really worried here. 21 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,360 I think she needs help. 22 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,120 How long has it been going on? 23 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,680 I don't know, like... 24 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,080 six months, maybe. 25 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,320 Six months?! 26 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,640 Why'd it take you so long to report it? 27 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:31,600 [indistinct voices] 28 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,600 [man 1] I felt sorry for her. 29 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,120 [door opens] 30 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,840 That's the first feeling I felt. 31 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,920 [intriguing music plays] 32 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,000 It's a patronizing, arrogant feeling, 33 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,280 feeling sorry for someone you've only just laid eyes on, 34 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,360 but I did. 35 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:54,840 I felt sorry for her. 36 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,600 - [man 2] Serve, you twat. - Yep. Sorry. 37 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,120 Fiver, please, mate. 38 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,920 - Cheers, mate. Thank you. - Thanks. 39 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:07,480 [woman whimpers] 40 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,640 {\an8}- Can I get you something? - No, thanks. 41 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,080 {\an8}Are you sure? 42 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,520 {\an8}- Cup of tea? - No, thanks. 43 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,480 {\an8}- You have to buy something. - Can't afford something. 44 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,600 {\an8}- Right. Not even a cup of tea? - No. 45 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,120 Right, well... 46 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,520 How about I give you a cup of tea on the house? 47 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,360 [intriguing music plays] 48 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:39,600 All right. 49 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,440 [intriguing music continues] 50 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:45,440 [music stops] 51 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,160 - So, what do you do? - I'm a lawyer. 52 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,320 [chuckles] 53 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,520 How'd you get into that, then? 54 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,080 [woman] I trained in criminal law, 55 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,880 moved to England, retrained, opened up my own practice, 56 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,920 won several awards, now a leading advisor to the government. 57 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,440 - You own a law firm? - Amongst other things. 58 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,280 A flat in Pimlico overlooking a private garden, 59 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,080 one in Bexleyheath, two in Belsize Park. 60 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,680 God doesn't like a bragger, 61 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,120 but when you're the go-to for the biggest political minds, 62 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,360 you've earned a brag or two. 63 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,320 No, no, I'm not gonna say who, so don't even go there. 64 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,400 Fine! 65 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,640 David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Alex Salmond. But you didn't hear that from me. 66 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,320 Wow. You must have amazing dinner parties. 67 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,280 [laughs raucously] 68 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,320 [man 1] She had this incredible laugh. This giddy, slightly disconcerting laugh. 69 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,520 - Her name was... - Martha. 70 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,720 [man 1] But all I could think was, if all of this is true, 71 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,760 then why can't you afford a cup of tea? 72 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,560 ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ 73 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,400 ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ 74 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:03,840 ♪ Love is the drug ♪ 75 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,840 [man 1] I'd moved to London to fulfil my lifelong dream of becoming a comedian, 76 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,960 but for whatever reason found myself late twenties, working a dead-end job 77 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,360 and living rent-free with my ex-girlfriend's mother 78 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,680 in a massive house miles out of town. 79 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,880 I had arrived with such grand plans to be someone, 80 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,320 as though my brand of wacky, bullshit comedy 81 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,160 was exactly what this world-leading city was missing. 82 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,760 So I went vegan recently. 83 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,720 Had to make some sacrifices. 84 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,480 It's a mink hat. 85 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,720 But instead of actual mink, it's a mink stapled to a hat. 86 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:46,640 [audience member] You're shite! 87 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,560 [man 1 sighs] Fucking hell. 88 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,920 [man 1] But that's the thing with London. It red-carpets for no one. 89 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,000 It's like waking up one day to find yourself a background artist 90 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,800 in a cast of millions. 91 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,280 So when someone sees you through the mire of it all, 92 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,240 sees you as the person you came here to be, 93 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:05,960 you notice them. 94 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,960 You notice them noticing you. 95 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,440 ♪ When I said I needed... ♪ 96 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,360 [man 1] Every day now, Martha would come in, 97 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:19,040 each time with new makeup, new hairstyles, like a kid playing dress-up. 98 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,960 She always opened the conversation by saying... 99 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,040 I've gotta go. 100 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,640 ...but then would stick around for the entire shift. 101 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,720 I always thought it was strange that she painted herself as a busy person, 102 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,240 as though she could trick me 103 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,840 into thinking she's not spending all of her time hanging around. 104 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,200 Got a busy day today. AGMs, shareholder meets. 105 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,960 Then I'm getting my hair buffed, so can't chat long. 106 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,320 [man 1] She always ordered the same drink every time. A... 107 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,960 Diet Coke. Plenty ice. 108 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,760 [man 1] I always gave it to her on the house. 109 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,080 - She never drank her drink. - I'm representing big clients... 110 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,360 [man 1] Instead, she would sit there on autopilot, 111 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,560 monologuing breathlessly about people in her life 112 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,360 without ever explaining who they were. 113 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,760 I was talking to Steve earlier. 114 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,920 I was chatting to Joan. Alan was on the phone. 115 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,960 [man 1] Like I knew them already. Like I was already a part of her life. 116 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,000 And when she wasn't speaking about them 117 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,120 or her law firm or all the famous people she knew, 118 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,800 she would sit there talking about me. 119 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,080 You've got really manly hands, haven't you? 120 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,000 - Oh yeah? - Big, deep voice. Chiseled jawline. 121 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,400 Should be illegal to have your bone structure too. 122 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,760 They should tax you for it. Man tax. [laughs] 123 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,440 [man 1] Everything about her intrigued me. 124 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,520 Her endless confidence, her weird turn of phrase, 125 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:29,080 the surprising poetry that slipped through the cracks of her madness. 126 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,120 Shall we run away together? 127 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,440 My birthday's coming up. Want to do something spesh. 128 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,880 Who says I wanna run away? 129 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,040 You're already doing it. Some people run away by packing their bags. 130 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,400 Others run away by standing in the same place for too long. 131 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:47,760 Sorry. 132 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:53,240 Woke up a little gravy this morning. Not sure what's come over me. 133 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,040 [man 1] Then I would look at her in her most vulnerable moments, 134 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,200 and I would start to reimagine her past. 135 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,920 The school balls that no one took her to. 136 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,360 The time she tried on wedding dresses for fun. 137 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,560 Nights lost on social media perusing the lives of the rich and famous. 138 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,160 So I don't know what it was in me, but I started paying her compliments. 139 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,240 Your birthday's coming up. Your 21st, is it? 140 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,400 I'm 42! 141 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,840 You're 42? Well, you'd better give Peter Pan his moisturizer back. 142 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,360 [laughs] My oh my! 143 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,480 You've got a silver tongue on you, you do, devil boy. 144 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,800 Wouldn't mind teaching you where to put it. [laughs] 145 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,560 What do you say to picnic fun times this weekend to celebrate? 146 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,760 The sun's out. Pollen count's low. 147 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,080 You can get a tan without getting the sniffles. 148 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,320 Sure, I'll come picnic with you. 149 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,800 Oh my! [laughs] 150 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,960 Picnic fun times with my favorite reindeer. [laughs] 151 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,880 Give me your number. We can arrange. 152 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,680 Tell you what, 153 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,760 name the time and the place, and I'll get you there. 154 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,520 I'll be the one next to the gorgeous brunette. 155 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,280 Who's that, then? 156 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:07,880 [chuckles] 157 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,320 Oh! You mean me? [laughs] 158 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,320 [man 1] I began to love her laugh, obsess with it, 159 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,600 do everything I could to eke it out of her. 160 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,520 It was casual. It was harmless. 161 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,920 It was becoming a joke around the bar. 162 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,440 Oi, Donny. Aren't you gonna introduce us to your girlfriend? 163 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,080 So is this the one you've been telling us about? 164 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,480 - The supermodel? - You said that? Really? 165 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,960 Yeah, so come on, Donny. Out with it. When are you two gonna shag? 166 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,920 Ah, don't believe in sex before marriage. 167 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,360 [men] Aw. 168 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:37,520 What you waiting for? 169 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:39,680 Ask her. 170 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,280 Yeah. Ask her! 171 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:47,160 [men] Ask her! Ask her! Ask her! Ask her! Ask her! 172 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,240 [men groan] 173 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,560 What, you not asking? 174 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,280 I'm marriage material. 175 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,440 Half of everything makes you rich. 176 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,720 Just bought a penthouse. Furnished. 177 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,600 All I need now is for someone to hang my curtains. 178 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,400 [Donny] "Hang her curtains." 179 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,960 Something about it sounded vaguely sexual. 180 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,480 I hated lowering myself to their level, 181 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,560 but I needed a way out of that painfully awkward situation. 182 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:15,600 I'll hang your curtains! 183 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,520 [laughter] 184 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,720 [operatic music plays] 185 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,280 [Donny] I wanted her to laugh. 186 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,120 I wanted her to share in the joke, but she just didn't. 187 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,640 I knew then, in that moment, 188 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,440 that she'd taken it seriously. 189 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,120 [operatic music continues] 190 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,240 [Donny] Then came her emails, 191 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,120 around 80 a day, continuing long into the night. 192 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,200 Her address, a random series of numbers and letters, like spam, 193 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,920 but the writing, exactly like she spoke. 194 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,040 {\an8}Unhesitating, unfiltered. 195 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,680 {\an8}Unapologetically raw. 196 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,680 {\an8}There were spelling errors on words much simpler to spell 197 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,720 than other words she spelled perfectly. 198 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,760 The fact she has an iPhone, 199 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,680 even though she didn't when I saw her texting at the bar. 200 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,960 [operatic music crescendos] 201 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,280 Look what I got, reindeer, 202 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,960 ahead of picnic fun times. 203 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,800 Ta-da! A wee-willie hamper. 204 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:30,760 [laughs] It's got jam and marmalade, 205 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:32,680 croutons, 206 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,280 and champagne, too, if that's your tipple. 207 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,600 I don't drink myself, but you're absolutely welcome 208 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,880 to pour it on my chest and lick it from me. 209 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,080 [Martha giggles] 210 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,000 What's the matter? 211 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,240 No, nothing. It's just you've... you've spent quite a lot here. 212 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,480 Well, it's a special birthday this year. 213 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,000 My 43rd, no less. 214 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,240 And I get to spend it with you. 215 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:55,680 [exhales] 216 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,120 {\an8}Martha, I think maybe this isn't such a great idea. 217 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,880 What? No picnic fun times? 218 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,080 No, I... I don't think so. 219 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:10,200 Really? Why? I've just gone and bought a quilt too. 220 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,920 It's extra soft so you don't get pimples from the grass. 221 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:19,640 {\an8}[sighs] Well, picnics, that's... that's kind of what lovers do, you know? 222 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,360 Oh. 223 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,440 Well, what do friends do? 224 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,560 {\an8}[sighs] I don't know. 225 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,440 {\an8}- A coffee or something. - Coffee's good. 226 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,800 [typing] 227 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:53,560 [Martha giggles] 228 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,920 - Do you know what you're having? - Well, I want the Scotch broth. 229 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,760 Trying to figure out if it's on the menu or not. 230 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,800 Um, I don't see it on the m-- 231 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,240 Oh. Very good. 232 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,280 [chuckles] 233 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,600 Well? Is it on the menu? 234 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,440 Uh, no, I'm afraid not. 235 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,720 You'll find it in the specials though. 236 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,080 [Martha laughing] 237 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,360 The specials. [high-pitched laughter] 238 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,280 Wow, that is some laugh. 239 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,000 Yeah, I get that all the time. 240 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,240 Chuckles Buckles, my dad used to call me. 241 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,840 With his big hands. [chuckles] 242 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,360 Well, do you have a volume dial? Can I turn you down a bit? 243 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,000 You'd have to turn me on first. 244 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:52,680 [chuckles] 245 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,800 So, are you serious about me? 246 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,920 I can take it. Just be honest. 247 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,280 I mean, I've overseen some of the biggest cases in the world. 248 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,080 Hollywood. You name it. 249 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,120 I can handle anything. 250 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:15,520 Be a shame though, obviously, what with the... with the curtains, 251 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,120 getting my hopes up. 252 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,720 But I'd work through it. 253 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:22,840 I'd work through it. 254 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:25,920 Uh... [exhales] 255 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,280 Yes, I'm... I'm... I'm serious about you. 256 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:29,240 [exhales] 257 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,720 - [Martha squeals] - No, don't! Oh my God. 258 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:35,080 Wait. As a friend, okay? As a friend. 259 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,120 Friends 260 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,120 with benefits. 261 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,480 Just friends. 262 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,840 - Can I get you guys anything? - Uh, yeah. 263 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,960 - I'll have an Americano, please. - Yep. 264 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,280 - I'll just have a tap water. - [waitress] Sure. 265 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,680 - Uh, you're not having anything? - I can't afford it. 266 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,760 I'll get it. Just... 267 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,160 Oh. Okay. 268 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,320 Uh, can I have a croissant, a flapjack, 269 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,000 and a chocolate brownie and a coffee? 270 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,680 Sure. What kind of coffee? 271 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:06,520 Decaf. Perfect. I'll grab those for you now. Thanks. 272 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:11,800 So, um, 273 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:13,960 how did you get my email? 274 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,440 Oh. Off your website. 275 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,720 You shouldn't have it on there. Any so-and-so could get it. 276 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,040 - Yeah, I'm starting to realize that. - So you're a comedian? 277 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,720 [exhales] Sort of. 278 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,360 It's not going well. 279 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:28,560 Is that a question? 280 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,560 No. I can tell these things. It's not going well. 281 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,240 That's not true, actually, so-- 282 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,920 I saw some of your comedy videos online. I thought they were shite. 283 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,400 - Well, I've moved on a bit now. - Offensive too. 284 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,080 - It's satire. - Thin satire. 285 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,200 Sorry, are you a critic? 286 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,640 - [server] Here you are. - Oh. Thank you. 287 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,720 Listen, Martha. 288 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,120 Can you promise me you won't tell anyone at the pub 289 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,640 about those online videos? 290 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,280 Stop it! You should be proud. 291 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,680 You're chasing your dreams. 292 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,960 Yeah, no, I get that. It's just... 293 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:05,760 What is it? 294 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,160 I spent my life dreaming of becoming a comedian. I just... 295 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,600 [sighs] I didn't realize it was gonna be so fucking hard. 296 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,640 Hardness can be good though, too, no? 297 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,480 Yeah, I know. It's just... 298 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:19,840 [Donny sighs] 299 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,840 I, like... I used to think my dreams would lead to happiness, but... 300 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,760 now it almost feels like this choice between the two. 301 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,640 Somebody hurt you, didn't they? 302 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:43,920 I can tell. 303 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:46,840 You're like a warrior 304 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,320 with a chink in the armor. 305 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,480 Like a wounding of some kind. 306 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,240 Was it a woman? 307 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:56,880 [tense music plays] 308 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:58,880 A heartbreak? 309 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,000 [exhales] No, I'm fine. 310 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,680 That's what a warrior would say. 311 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,120 But I can see you're bleeding. 312 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,480 [tense music continues] 313 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,640 [Martha] Deep wounds. 314 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:14,640 Who was it? 315 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,120 Martha, can you let go of my hand now, please? 316 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,760 - I want names. - [Donny] Martha, please. 317 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:20,720 Names. 318 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,080 - Martha, please. - [Martha] Names. 319 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,680 - [Donny] Martha, please, let go! - Don't! Don't you dare! 320 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,600 [crockery rattles] 321 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,280 [exhales] 322 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,960 Is everything all right here? 323 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:37,880 Um, 324 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:39,480 yeah, we're fine. 325 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,600 We're... we're fine. Honest. 326 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,640 Can I get you guys anything else, or... 327 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:46,280 Just the bill. 328 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,440 - What way are you walking? - Uh, this way. 329 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,960 I'm this way. 330 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,400 Thanks for the brownie. 331 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,240 [uneasy music playing] 332 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,520 [Donny] I knew she wasn't a millionaire lawyer, 333 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,360 but seeing her madness play out like that left me with this sense of unease. 334 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:19,560 [music fades] 335 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,480 [Donny] Who was this woman, and what did she see in me? 336 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,560 [uneasy music playing] 337 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,200 [cell phone chimes] 338 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,200 Fuck! Shit! 339 00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,360 [gentle music playing] 340 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,920 [Donny] I sometimes question what would have happened had I not followed her, 341 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,320 just turned around and went home. 342 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,600 Whether that is where this whole ordeal might have ended. 343 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,280 Maybe some part of me wanted to get caught. 344 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,760 Maybe some part of me wanted to see where it all might take me. 345 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,800 Okay, guys, it's been a fantastic competition so far. 346 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,400 Loads of acts vying for a place in the semifinals. 347 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,320 [audience cheering] 348 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,560 [compère] Keep that energy up, and please welcome to the stage, 349 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,960 your next act, Donny Dunn! 350 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,480 Okay! Good. All right, let me just quickly chuck this down. 351 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,320 Ooh. Set up the gig. 352 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,640 Just unzip the old bagarooney. 353 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,800 Okay, good. Woo! 354 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,200 All right. Ooh. [chuckles] 355 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,800 Bang! Yes. All right. Cool. 356 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,680 That's... 357 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,680 Now, I know what you're thinking. 358 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,920 Venus Williams has let herself go. 359 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,040 [scattered chuckling] 360 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,680 Oh, sorry. God, no. I said the wrong name. Sorry, it's new material. 361 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,720 I'll just grab my notebook out, and I'll... 362 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,640 I'll do it again. Okay, let's just... Here it is. Ha. 363 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,280 So I know what you're thinking. 364 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,880 Serena Williams has let herself go. 365 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,000 [chuckles awkwardly] 366 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,840 Okay, cool. That didn't work. Let's move on. 367 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,520 - Um... - [woman laughs] 368 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,080 [woman laughs] 369 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,560 Uh, one laugh. If you could move around the room, that'd be great. 370 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,760 [light laughter] 371 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,240 [Martha continues laughing] 372 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,800 Jesus, can't take my mum anywhere, eh? 373 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,680 [Martha laughing] 374 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,480 [chuckles nervously] Um... 375 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:53,400 What's your name? 376 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,040 Martha. 377 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,920 Hello, Martha. Is your spaceship parked outside? 378 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,840 [laughter] 379 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,360 Yeah, outside. 380 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,480 Want to go for a ride back to my home planet? 381 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,720 Your home planet? A planet where people find me funnier? 382 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,640 I'm sold! 383 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,920 [laughter] 384 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,520 And where is your home planet? 385 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,440 Belsize Park. 386 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,120 [laughter] 387 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:22,640 [chuckles] Um, and so, out of interest, when you say your spaceship, you mean... 388 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:24,880 A Fiat Punto. 389 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,640 [laughter] 390 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:30,280 Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen, it ain't gonna get much better than that. 391 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,600 Jesus, Jesus. 392 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,560 Come on. All right, so, you know-- 393 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,600 I can sing, you know? 394 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,240 Oh, well, people haven't come here for singing, so... 395 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,960 [woman] Aw, let her sing! 396 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,840 - [man] Go on! Let her sing! - [Donny] No. 397 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,360 [man] Come on, let her sing! Let her sing! 398 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,120 Okay, fine, sod it. Go on, then. 399 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,440 - [man] Wahey! - [woman] Whoo! 400 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,040 [Martha clears throat] 401 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,920 ♪ I know I stand in line Until you think you have the time ♪ 402 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,280 ♪ To spend an evening with me... ♪ 403 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:01,520 Nancy Sinatra, what the hell are you doing here? 404 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,960 ♪ And if we go someplace to dance I know that there's a chance ♪ 405 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,840 ♪ You won't be leaving with me ♪ 406 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,400 Do you know any Slipknot? 407 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,240 [laughter] 408 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,200 [chuckles] 409 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,400 I would let you sing more, but can't handle you upstaging me. 410 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,200 A round of applause for Martha, everyone. Yes! 411 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,480 - [audience cheers] - [Donny] Ha-ha! Brilliant. 412 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,320 Absolutely brilliant. Cool. 413 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,800 Um, I've always thought that song was really weird, actually. 414 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,880 They could have said something really stupid like, 415 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,680 "Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like, 416 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,080 'Hitler was misunderstood.'" 417 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,160 [laughter] 418 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,600 So I went vegan recently. 419 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,240 Had to make some sacrifices. 420 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,560 [laughter] 421 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,520 Met a new girlfriend. She's a real spring chicken. Come on! 422 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:59,240 Yep, gives great head. Oh no, no, no, no, no. 423 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,160 Good. We're rocking and rolling. Good, good. 424 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,240 [quiet music playing] 425 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,480 [laughter in distance] 426 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,880 Fucking hell. 427 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,120 How'd you do that? 428 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,280 - What? - Just appear. 429 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,280 You're like... Ninja Cat. 430 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:24,480 [Martha laughs] 431 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,920 [Martha] That was fun stuff tonight. You deserved your win. 432 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,000 Better than that shit online. 433 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,840 Thanks, I think. 434 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,000 All the props and the gadgets and stuff. 435 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,160 So funny, reindeer. [laughs] 436 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:37,080 [Martha exhales] 437 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:42,040 You have it in your bones, this comedy lark, don't you? 438 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,520 Thank you. 439 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:45,760 Oh, don't thank me. 440 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:47,560 Thank yourself. 441 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,120 Thank your bones. 442 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:50,560 [Donny chuckles] 443 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:53,560 [sighs] Look. 444 00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:58,440 [exhales] About yesterday, when I was outside. 445 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,000 I shouldn't have followed you. I was-- 446 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,600 Oh, no, don't be silly. 447 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,000 I don't begrudge you a peep. 448 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,040 Just come in for a plate next time. 449 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,320 I'll cook you my special dish. 450 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,880 What's your special dish? 451 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,120 Beef curtains. 452 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,760 [both laugh] 453 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:22,560 [Donny] Fucking hell. 454 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,800 You're utterly mad, aren't you? 455 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,760 [Donny] Oh! [chuckles] 456 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:32,840 Uh... 457 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,640 If you had a superpower, what would it be? 458 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:44,400 Uh... 459 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,480 I'd wanna know what people were thinking, 460 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,640 rather than just guessing all the time. 461 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,960 What? Are you worried people think bad of you or something? 462 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,400 No. I'm worried they don't think about me at all. 463 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:02,600 [Donny sighs] 464 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,000 - Mine's weird. - I expect nothing less. 465 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,120 [Martha chuckles] 466 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,640 Do you ever, like, 467 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,280 want to unzip people 468 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:13,880 and climb inside them? 469 00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,200 [Donny] Hmm. 470 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,280 Can't say it's an impulse I've had very often, no. 471 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,520 I wish humans had a chin zip. 472 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,840 One that would open all the way to their bellies. 473 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,880 {\an8}I'd just unzip them and tuck myself away. 474 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,560 Is this you asking me for my skin suit? 475 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:38,320 [laughs] Yes, I'd wear you like a onesie. 476 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,640 [laughs] Oh my God. Snuggle away inside you all winter. 477 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:44,840 Ah, that'd be nice. 478 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:47,680 I'd miss biscuits though. 479 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,080 Well, um, I tell you what, 480 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,240 give me a list of the ones you like, 481 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,080 and every now and again, when nobody's looking, 482 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,200 I'll unzip my chin and pop some biscuits inside for you. 483 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,000 - How does that sound? - [laughs] 484 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,880 Best of both worlds! Oh my God. 485 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,600 [sighs happily] Oh my God. 486 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,000 The tongue on you. 487 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,680 ♪ And afterwards we drop Into a quiet little place ♪ 488 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,280 ♪ And have a drink or two... ♪ 489 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:30,280 Uh... 490 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:39,520 ♪ And then I go and spoil it all By saying something stupid like ♪ 491 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,560 -"Hitler was misunderstood." - ♪ I love you ♪ 492 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:46,680 I love you. 493 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,080 Oh... Um... 494 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,000 [Martha] Oh no. 495 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,120 - As a friend. Like you said. - Yeah. No. 496 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,440 - Sorry. - I've said too much, haven't I? 497 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:02,760 Oh my God. Stupid. Stupid fucking moron gob! 498 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,560 No, no, don't do that, okay? Don't do that. 499 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,880 It's fine, all right? It's fine. Don't do that, okay? Please, just... 500 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,840 I have a sneaky feeling you might be the death of me. 501 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:29,560 Z-z-z-z-zip. 502 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:35,000 Boop. [laughs] 503 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,560 [unsettling music playing] 504 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,680 [unsettling music continues] 505 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:31,320 [unsettling music building] 506 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:38,520 [music fades] 507 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:41,560 ["Happy Together" playing] 508 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,960 [Donny] I sat there for hours taking it all in. 509 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,720 Piecing together her whole timeline. 510 00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:51,240 Her graduate job. How she got fired for inappropriate behavior with the boss. 511 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,840 {\an8}How she started hanging around outside his house, 512 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:57,800 {\an8}then falsely reporting him to the police for abusing his disabled child. 513 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,120 {\an8}This other time she attacked his mother in the street. 514 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,320 Her four-and-a-half-year prison sentence. 515 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,240 {\an8}[music stops] 516 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,480 [Donny] I had a convicted stalker stalking me. 517 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:19,440 I had a convicted stalker stalking me. 518 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:23,560 I had a convicted stalker stalking me. 519 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:28,720 ♪ And you for me So happy together ♪ 520 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,920 ♪ So happy together ♪ 521 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:37,040 ♪ How is the weather? ♪ 522 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:51,080 ♪ So happy together ♪ 523 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:57,440 ♪ I can't see me lovin' nobody but you ♪ 524 00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:00,480 ♪ For all my life ♪ 525 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:05,000 ♪ When you're with me Baby, the skies will be blue ♪ 526 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,560 ♪ For all my life ♪ 527 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,200 ♪ Me and you, and you and me ♪ 528 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:15,520 ♪ No matter how they tossed the dice It had to be ♪ 529 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:19,440 ♪ The only one for me is you And you for me ♪ 530 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:27,760 ♪ So happy together ♪ 531 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:31,320 ♪ And how is the weather? ♪ 532 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:39,880 ♪ So happy together ♪ 533 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:43,640 ♪ Happy together ♪ 534 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:49,520 ♪ So happy together ♪