[door opens]
[tense music playing]
- [officer] Can I help you? - Uh, yeah. Um...
I would like to report something. How does it work?
What would you like to report?
I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm, like, I'm getting stalked.
- By a man or a woman? - A woman.
Have you had a sexual relationship with this woman?
No, I... I haven't. She's a bit older than me.
Age is generally not a factor we consider.
No, of course. I can assure you, though, I... I absolutely haven't.
Okay. You say this woman's stalking you?
Yeah. She comes to my work. She comes to my house.
She sends me emails, like... like all the time.
Are any threatening towards ya?
Oh, I'm sure. I mean... I mean, let me just open up a random one. Here.
I wouldn't say that's particularly threatening.
[sighs] They're... they're in here somewhere.
I just need to sift through all of the... [sighs]
Look, I'm... I'm really worried here.
I think she needs help.
How long has it been going on?
I don't know, like...
six months, maybe.
Six months?!
Why'd it take you so long to report it?
[indistinct voices]
[man 1] I felt sorry for her.
[door opens]
That's the first feeling I felt.
[intriguing music plays]
It's a patronizing, arrogant feeling,
feeling sorry for someone you've only just laid eyes on,
but I did.
I felt sorry for her.
- [man 2] Serve, you twat. - Yep. Sorry.
Fiver, please, mate.
- Cheers, mate. Thank you. - Thanks.
[woman whimpers]
- Can I get you something? - No, thanks.
Are you sure?
- Cup of tea? - No, thanks.
- You have to buy something. - Can't afford something.
- Right. Not even a cup of tea? - No.
Right, well...
How about I give you a cup of tea on the house?
[intriguing music plays]
All right.
[intriguing music continues]
[music stops]
- So, what do you do? - I'm a lawyer.
[chuckles]
How'd you get into that, then?
[woman] I trained in criminal law,
moved to England, retrained, opened up my own practice,
won several awards, now a leading advisor to the government.
- You own a law firm? - Amongst other things.
A flat in Pimlico overlooking a private garden,
one in Bexleyheath, two in Belsize Park.
God doesn't like a bragger,
but when you're the go-to for the biggest political minds,
you've earned a brag or two.
No, no, I'm not gonna say who, so don't even go there.
Fine!
David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Alex Salmond. But you didn't hear that from me.
Wow. You must have amazing dinner parties.
[laughs raucously]
[man 1] She had this incredible laugh. This giddy, slightly disconcerting laugh.
- Her name was... - Martha.
[man 1] But all I could think was, if all of this is true,
then why can't you afford a cup of tea?
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Love is the drug ♪
[man 1] I'd moved to London to fulfil my lifelong dream of becoming a comedian,
but for whatever reason found myself late twenties, working a dead-end job
and living rent-free with my ex-girlfriend's mother
in a massive house miles out of town.
I had arrived with such grand plans to be someone,
as though my brand of wacky, bullshit comedy
was exactly what this world-leading city was missing.
So I went vegan recently.
Had to make some sacrifices.
It's a mink hat.
But instead of actual mink, it's a mink stapled to a hat.
[audience member] You're shite!
[man 1 sighs] Fucking hell.
[man 1] But that's the thing with London. It red-carpets for no one.
It's like waking up one day to find yourself a background artist
in a cast of millions.
So when someone sees you through the mire of it all,
sees you as the person you came here to be,
you notice them.
You notice them noticing you.
♪ When I said I needed... ♪
[man 1] Every day now, Martha would come in,
each time with new makeup, new hairstyles, like a kid playing dress-up.
She always opened the conversation by saying...
I've gotta go.
...but then would stick around for the entire shift.
I always thought it was strange that she painted herself as a busy person,
as though she could trick me
into thinking she's not spending all of her time hanging around.
Got a busy day today. AGMs, shareholder meets.
Then I'm getting my hair buffed, so can't chat long.
[man 1] She always ordered the same drink every time. A...
Diet Coke. Plenty ice.
[man 1] I always gave it to her on the house.
- She never drank her drink. - I'm representing big clients...
[man 1] Instead, she would sit there on autopilot,
monologuing breathlessly about people in her life
without ever explaining who they were.
I was talking to Steve earlier.
I was chatting to Joan. Alan was on the phone.
[man 1] Like I knew them already. Like I was already a part of her life.
And when she wasn't speaking about them
or her law firm or all the famous people she knew,
she would sit there talking about me.
You've got really manly hands, haven't you?
- Oh yeah? - Big, deep voice. Chiseled jawline.
Should be illegal to have your bone structure too.
They should tax you for it. Man tax. [laughs]
[man 1] Everything about her intrigued me.
Her endless confidence, her weird turn of phrase,
the surprising poetry that slipped through the cracks of her madness.
Shall we run away together?
My birthday's coming up. Want to do something spesh.
Who says I wanna run away?
You're already doing it. Some people run away by packing their bags.
Others run away by standing in the same place for too long.
Sorry.
Woke up a little gravy this morning. Not sure what's come over me.
[man 1] Then I would look at her in her most vulnerable moments,
and I would start to reimagine her past.
The school balls that no one took her to.
The time she tried on wedding dresses for fun.
Nights lost on social media perusing the lives of the rich and famous.
So I don't know what it was in me, but I started paying her compliments.
Your birthday's coming up. Your 21st, is it?
I'm 42!
You're 42? Well, you'd better give Peter Pan his moisturizer back.
[laughs] My oh my!
You've got a silver tongue on you, you do, devil boy.
Wouldn't mind teaching you where to put it. [laughs]
What do you say to picnic fun times this weekend to celebrate?
The sun's out. Pollen count's low.
You can get a tan without getting the sniffles.
Sure, I'll come picnic with you.
Oh my! [laughs]
Picnic fun times with my favorite reindeer. [laughs]
Give me your number. We can arrange.
Tell you what,
name the time and the place, and I'll get you there.
I'll be the one next to the gorgeous brunette.
Who's that, then?
[chuckles]
Oh! You mean me? [laughs]
[man 1] I began to love her laugh, obsess with it,
do everything I could to eke it out of her.
It was casual. It was harmless.
It was becoming a joke around the bar.
Oi, Donny. Aren't you gonna introduce us to your girlfriend?
So is this the one you've been telling us about?
- The supermodel? - You said that? Really?
Yeah, so come on, Donny. Out with it. When are you two gonna shag?
Ah, don't believe in sex before marriage.
[men] Aw.
What you waiting for?
Ask her.
Yeah. Ask her!
[men] Ask her! Ask her! Ask her! Ask her! Ask her!
[men groan]
What, you not asking?
I'm marriage material.
Half of everything makes you rich.
Just bought a penthouse. Furnished.
All I need now is for someone to hang my curtains.
[Donny] "Hang her curtains."
Something about it sounded vaguely sexual.
I hated lowering myself to their level,
but I needed a way out of that painfully awkward situation.
I'll hang your curtains!
[laughter]
[operatic music plays]
[Donny] I wanted her to laugh.
I wanted her to share in the joke, but she just didn't.
I knew then, in that moment,
that she'd taken it seriously.
[operatic music continues]
[Donny] Then came her emails,
around 80 a day, continuing long into the night.
Her address, a random series of numbers and letters, like spam,
but the writing, exactly like she spoke.
Unhesitating, unfiltered.
Unapologetically raw.
There were spelling errors on words much simpler to spell
than other words she spelled perfectly.
The fact she has an iPhone,
even though she didn't when I saw her texting at the bar.
[operatic music crescendos]
Look what I got, reindeer,
ahead of picnic fun times.
Ta-da! A wee-willie hamper.
[laughs] It's got jam and marmalade,
croutons,
and champagne, too, if that's your tipple.
I don't drink myself, but you're absolutely welcome
to pour it on my chest and lick it from me.
[Martha giggles]
What's the matter?
No, nothing. It's just you've... you've spent quite a lot here.
Well, it's a special birthday this year.
My 43rd, no less.
And I get to spend it with you.
[exhales]
Martha, I think maybe this isn't such a great idea.
What? No picnic fun times?
No, I... I don't think so.
Really? Why? I've just gone and bought a quilt too.
It's extra soft so you don't get pimples from the grass.
[sighs] Well, picnics, that's... that's kind of what lovers do, you know?
Oh.
Well, what do friends do?
[sighs] I don't know.
- A coffee or something. - Coffee's good.
[typing]
[Martha giggles]
- Do you know what you're having? - Well, I want the Scotch broth.
Trying to figure out if it's on the menu or not.
Um, I don't see it on the m--
Oh. Very good.
[chuckles]
Well? Is it on the menu?
Uh, no, I'm afraid not.
You'll find it in the specials though.
[Martha laughing]
The specials. [high-pitched laughter]
Wow, that is some laugh.
Yeah, I get that all the time.
Chuckles Buckles, my dad used to call me.
With his big hands. [chuckles]
Well, do you have a volume dial? Can I turn you down a bit?
You'd have to turn me on first.
[chuckles]
So, are you serious about me?
I can take it. Just be honest.
I mean, I've overseen some of the biggest cases in the world.
Hollywood. You name it.
I can handle anything.
Be a shame though, obviously, what with the... with the curtains,
getting my hopes up.
But I'd work through it.
I'd work through it.
Uh... [exhales]
Yes, I'm... I'm... I'm serious about you.
[exhales]
- [Martha squeals] - No, don't! Oh my God.
Wait. As a friend, okay? As a friend.
Friends
with benefits.
Just friends.
- Can I get you guys anything? - Uh, yeah.
- I'll have an Americano, please. - Yep.
- I'll just have a tap water. - [waitress] Sure.
- Uh, you're not having anything? - I can't afford it.
I'll get it. Just...
Oh. Okay.
Uh, can I have a croissant, a flapjack,
and a chocolate brownie and a coffee?
Sure. What kind of coffee?
Decaf. Perfect. I'll grab those for you now. Thanks.
So, um,
how did you get my email?
Oh. Off your website.
You shouldn't have it on there. Any so-and-so could get it.
- Yeah, I'm starting to realize that. - So you're a comedian?
[exhales] Sort of.
It's not going well.
Is that a question?
No. I can tell these things. It's not going well.
That's not true, actually, so--
I saw some of your comedy videos online. I thought they were shite.
- Well, I've moved on a bit now. - Offensive too.
- It's satire. - Thin satire.
Sorry, are you a critic?
- [server] Here you are. - Oh. Thank you.
Listen, Martha.
Can you promise me you won't tell anyone at the pub
about those online videos?
Stop it! You should be proud.
You're chasing your dreams.
Yeah, no, I get that. It's just...
What is it?
I spent my life dreaming of becoming a comedian. I just...
[sighs] I didn't realize it was gonna be so fucking hard.
Hardness can be good though, too, no?
Yeah, I know. It's just...
[Donny sighs]
I, like... I used to think my dreams would lead to happiness, but...
now it almost feels like this choice between the two.
Somebody hurt you, didn't they?
I can tell.
You're like a warrior
with a chink in the armor.
Like a wounding of some kind.
Was it a woman?
[tense music plays]
A heartbreak?
[exhales] No, I'm fine.
That's what a warrior would say.
But I can see you're bleeding.
[tense music continues]
[Martha] Deep wounds.
Who was it?
Martha, can you let go of my hand now, please?
- I want names. - [Donny] Martha, please.
Names.
- Martha, please. - [Martha] Names.
- [Donny] Martha, please, let go! - Don't! Don't you dare!
[crockery rattles]
[exhales]
Is everything all right here?
Um,
yeah, we're fine.
We're... we're fine. Honest.
Can I get you guys anything else, or...
Just the bill.
- What way are you walking? - Uh, this way.
I'm this way.
Thanks for the brownie.
[uneasy music playing]
[Donny] I knew she wasn't a millionaire lawyer,
but seeing her madness play out like that left me with this sense of unease.
[music fades]
[Donny] Who was this woman, and what did she see in me?
[uneasy music playing]
[cell phone chimes]
Fuck! Shit!
[gentle music playing]
[Donny] I sometimes question what would have happened had I not followed her,
just turned around and went home.
Whether that is where this whole ordeal might have ended.
Maybe some part of me wanted to get caught.
Maybe some part of me wanted to see where it all might take me.
Okay, guys, it's been a fantastic competition so far.
Loads of acts vying for a place in the semifinals.
[audience cheering]
[compère] Keep that energy up, and please welcome to the stage,
your next act, Donny Dunn!
Okay! Good. All right, let me just quickly chuck this down.
Ooh. Set up the gig.
Just unzip the old bagarooney.
Okay, good. Woo!
All right. Ooh. [chuckles]
Bang! Yes. All right. Cool.
That's...
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Venus Williams has let herself go.
[scattered chuckling]
Oh, sorry. God, no. I said the wrong name. Sorry, it's new material.
I'll just grab my notebook out, and I'll...
I'll do it again. Okay, let's just... Here it is. Ha.
So I know what you're thinking.
Serena Williams has let herself go.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Okay, cool. That didn't work. Let's move on.
- Um... - [woman laughs]
[woman laughs]
Uh, one laugh. If you could move around the room, that'd be great.
[light laughter]
[Martha continues laughing]
Jesus, can't take my mum anywhere, eh?
[Martha laughing]
[chuckles nervously] Um...
What's your name?
Martha.
Hello, Martha. Is your spaceship parked outside?
[laughter]
Yeah, outside.
Want to go for a ride back to my home planet?
Your home planet? A planet where people find me funnier?
I'm sold!
[laughter]
And where is your home planet?
Belsize Park.
[laughter]
[chuckles] Um, and so, out of interest, when you say your spaceship, you mean...
A Fiat Punto.
[laughter]
Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen, it ain't gonna get much better than that.
Jesus, Jesus.
Come on. All right, so, you know--
I can sing, you know?
Oh, well, people haven't come here for singing, so...
[woman] Aw, let her sing!
- [man] Go on! Let her sing! - [Donny] No.
[man] Come on, let her sing! Let her sing!
Okay, fine, sod it. Go on, then.
- [man] Wahey! - [woman] Whoo!
[Martha clears throat]
♪ I know I stand in line Until you think you have the time ♪
♪ To spend an evening with me... ♪
Nancy Sinatra, what the hell are you doing here?
♪ And if we go someplace to dance I know that there's a chance ♪
♪ You won't be leaving with me ♪
Do you know any Slipknot?
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I would let you sing more, but can't handle you upstaging me.
A round of applause for Martha, everyone. Yes!
- [audience cheers] - [Donny] Ha-ha! Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant. Cool.
Um, I've always thought that song was really weird, actually.
They could have said something really stupid like,
"Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like,
'Hitler was misunderstood.'"
[laughter]
So I went vegan recently.
Had to make some sacrifices.
[laughter]
Met a new girlfriend. She's a real spring chicken. Come on!
Yep, gives great head. Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Good. We're rocking and rolling. Good, good.
[quiet music playing]
[laughter in distance]
Fucking hell.
How'd you do that?
- What? - Just appear.
You're like... Ninja Cat.
[Martha laughs]
[Martha] That was fun stuff tonight. You deserved your win.
Better than that shit online.
Thanks, I think.
All the props and the gadgets and stuff.
So funny, reindeer. [laughs]
[Martha exhales]
You have it in your bones, this comedy lark, don't you?
Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me.
Thank yourself.
Thank your bones.
[Donny chuckles]
[sighs] Look.
[exhales] About yesterday, when I was outside.
I shouldn't have followed you. I was--
Oh, no, don't be silly.
I don't begrudge you a peep.
Just come in for a plate next time.
I'll cook you my special dish.
What's your special dish?
Beef curtains.
[both laugh]
[Donny] Fucking hell.
You're utterly mad, aren't you?
[Donny] Oh! [chuckles]
Uh...
If you had a superpower, what would it be?
Uh...
I'd wanna know what people were thinking,
rather than just guessing all the time.
What? Are you worried people think bad of you or something?
No. I'm worried they don't think about me at all.
[Donny sighs]
- Mine's weird. - I expect nothing less.
[Martha chuckles]
Do you ever, like,
want to unzip people
and climb inside them?
[Donny] Hmm.
Can't say it's an impulse I've had very often, no.
I wish humans had a chin zip.
One that would open all the way to their bellies.
I'd just unzip them and tuck myself away.
Is this you asking me for my skin suit?
[laughs] Yes, I'd wear you like a onesie.
[laughs] Oh my God. Snuggle away inside you all winter.
Ah, that'd be nice.
I'd miss biscuits though.
Well, um, I tell you what,
give me a list of the ones you like,
and every now and again, when nobody's looking,
I'll unzip my chin and pop some biscuits inside for you.
- How does that sound? - [laughs]
Best of both worlds! Oh my God.
[sighs happily] Oh my God.
The tongue on you.
♪ And afterwards we drop Into a quiet little place ♪
♪ And have a drink or two... ♪
Uh...
♪ And then I go and spoil it all By saying something stupid like ♪
-"Hitler was misunderstood." - ♪ I love you ♪
I love you.
Oh... Um...
[Martha] Oh no.
- As a friend. Like you said. - Yeah. No.
- Sorry. - I've said too much, haven't I?
Oh my God. Stupid. Stupid fucking moron gob!
No, no, don't do that, okay? Don't do that.
It's fine, all right? It's fine. Don't do that, okay? Please, just...
I have a sneaky feeling you might be the death of me.
Z-z-z-z-zip.
Boop. [laughs]
[unsettling music playing]
[unsettling music continues]
[unsettling music building]
[music fades]
["Happy Together" playing]
[Donny] I sat there for hours taking it all in.
Piecing together her whole timeline.
Her graduate job. How she got fired for inappropriate behavior with the boss.
How she started hanging around outside his house,
then falsely reporting him to the police for abusing his disabled child.
This other time she attacked his mother in the street.
Her four-and-a-half-year prison sentence.
[music stops]
[Donny] I had a convicted stalker stalking me.
I had a convicted stalker stalking me.
♪ And you for me So happy together ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ How is the weather? ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ I can't see me lovin' nobody but you ♪
♪ For all my life ♪
♪ When you're with me Baby, the skies will be blue ♪
♪ For all my life ♪
♪ Me and you, and you and me ♪
♪ No matter how they tossed the dice It had to be ♪
♪ The only one for me is you And you for me ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ And how is the weather? ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ Happy together ♪
♪ So happy together ♪