1
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:15,960
有什麼事嗎?

2
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:18,120
有

3
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:24,400
我想報案,是怎麼個報法?

4
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,920
什麼案子?

5
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:30,200
不知道該怎麼說
不過有人跟蹤騷擾我

6
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,400
- 男的還女的?
- 女的

7
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,480
你們有過性行為嗎?

8
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:38,640
還沒有,她年紀比我大一點

9
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,200
我們通常不考慮年齡

10
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:44,800
也對,不過我可以保證絕對還沒有

11
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,120
好,你說這女人跟蹤騷擾你?

12
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,600
對,她跑到我上班的地方和我家

13
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,200
一天到晚傳電子郵件給我

14
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,640
有威脅你嗎?

15
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,480
一定有,我隨便找一封,這裡

16
00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,840
(我剛剛痴一顆蛋)

17
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,440
這個應該算不上威脅

18
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,160
哪個地方一定有

19
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,280
好嗎?我只要找一下每...

20
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,720
我真的很擔心

21
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,360
她需要看醫生

22
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,120
這件事多久了?

23
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,880
不知道...

24
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,080
大概半年吧

25
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,600
半年?

26
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,640
怎麼現在才報案?

27
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:38,160
(這是真實故事)

28
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,200
我很可憐她

29
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,120
這是我的第一種感覺

30
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,920
一種高高在上的感覺

31
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,280
才看一眼就可憐別人

32
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,840
不過事實如此,我可憐她

33
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,600
- 白痴,服務啊
- 好,抱歉

34
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,320
5英鎊,麻煩了

35
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,200
- 感恩,謝謝
- 謝謝

36
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,320
{\an8}要來點什麼嗎?

37
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,640
{\an8}不用,謝謝

38
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,080
{\an8}確定?

39
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,520
{\an8}- 來杯茶?
- 不用,謝謝

40
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,040
{\an8}你一定得消費

41
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,480
{\an8}我花不起

42
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,200
{\an8}好,連一杯茶都不行?

43
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:23,600
{\an8}對

44
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:25,120
好吧...

45
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,520
本店請你喝杯茶怎麼樣?

46
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:39,680
好吧

47
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:47,880
你幹哪一行?

48
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:49,760
我是律師

49
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,520
怎麼當上律師的?

50
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,080
我學過刑法

51
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,880
搬到英格蘭、重新學起、自己開業

52
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,080
得過幾個獎,現在是政府的首席顧問

53
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,440
- 你有律師事務所?
- 還不只

54
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,280
我在倫敦中區有公寓,俯瞰私人花園

55
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,080
在其他區還有三間

56
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,680
雖然自誇很要不得

57
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,120
可是如果政治大咖都找你

58
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,360
就有資格自誇

59
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,320
我絕對不會說誰,提都不會提

60
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,400
好吧

61
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,320
卡麥隆、克萊格、薩孟德

62
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,640
別說我講的

63
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,240
(奈傑法拉吉、布萊爾)

64
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,320
哇,你請客的場面一定很嚇人

65
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:39,400
她的笑聲很與眾不同
雖然輕快,卻又有點恐怖

66
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,640
- 她叫...
- 瑪莎

67
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,720
但是我只想到如果她沒亂講

68
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,120
為什麼連茶都喝不起?

69
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,960
(我要找個郝男人召顧我
長得要向馴鹿寶貝)

70
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,400
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

71
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,080
《馴鹿寶貝》

72
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,800
我為了圓夢,當個諧星
特地從蘇格蘭搬到倫敦

73
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,960
可是不管什麼原因
我年近30,工作沒有前途

74
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,360
前女友的媽媽讓我免費

75
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,680
跟她住在郊區一棟大房子

76
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,880
我來的時候滿懷抱負

77
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,320
但是我的古怪爛笑話

78
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,160
在這個國際級大都市並不吃香

79
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,200
我最近開始吃素

80
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,880
所以要犧牲一點東西

81
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:38,720
這是貂皮帽

82
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,000
但不是真的貂,而是釘在帽子上的貂

83
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,640
有夠爛

84
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,520
我幹

85
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,520
不過倫敦就這樣,誰都沒有特殊禮遇

86
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,000
就像你某天醒來,發現自己是

87
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,000
幾百萬個演員中的路人甲

88
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,280
所以如果有人在大海中看到你

89
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,400
覺得你能實現自己的夢想

90
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,280
你就會注意到對方

91
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,000
注意到對方注意到你

92
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,240
瑪莎現在每天都來

93
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:19,040
每次都有新化妝、新髮型
就像玩變裝遊戲的小孩

94
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,960
她每次一開口都說...

95
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,040
我得走了

96
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,240
...然後待到我下班為止

97
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,720
我一直覺得很怪,她說自己很忙

98
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,840
好像要讓我以為她沒有在殺時間

99
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,200
今天很忙,要開年度股東大會

100
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,960
然後要去做頭髮,所以不能閒聊

101
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,320
她每次都點同一種飲料...

102
00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,960
健怡可樂,很多冰塊

103
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,760
我都免費請她喝

104
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,080
- 但是她都不喝
- 我有幾個大客戶...

105
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,360
而是坐在那邊自己講自己的

106
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,360
連珠砲講出身邊的人
也不解釋那些人是誰

107
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,760
我跟史蒂夫說

108
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:55,880
我跟瓊恩聊天

109
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:56,920
艾倫在電話上

110
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,960
好像我早就認識他們
好像我跟她一起生活

111
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,000
如果她沒講這些人

112
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,120
或者她的律師事務所
或者她認識的那些名人

113
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,800
她就會坐在那邊講我的事

114
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,080
你的手好陽剛哦

115
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,000
- 是嗎?
- 聲音低沉,下巴線條分明

116
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,400
你這種好骨架真是犯規

117
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,800
應該跟你抽稅的,男人稅

118
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,400
我對她整個人都很好奇

119
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:25,120
用不完的自信,奇怪的用語

120
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,320
看似瘋狂,卻偶有意料外的詩意

121
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,120
要一起逃走嗎?

122
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,440
我快生日了,想來點特別的

123
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,880
誰說我要逃走的?

124
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,040
你已經在逃了,有人逃走時會打包

125
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,400
有人是站在一個地方太久

126
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:47,920
抱歉

127
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:53,560
我今早起床怪怪的,不知道怎麼回事

128
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,040
後來我在她最憂鬱時看著她

129
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,320
然後開始想像她的過去

130
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,520
沒人帶她去學校舞會

131
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,440
她為了好玩試穿新娘禮服

132
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,760
晚上用社群媒體狂看富豪名人的生活

133
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:17,160
所以我突然鬼迷心竅<i>,</i> 開始稱讚她

134
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,240
你生日快到了,21歲吧?

135
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,400
42啦

136
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:25,120
42?趕快把長生不老藥退回去吧

137
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:26,880
天啊

138
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,480
你這個小壞蛋,真是油嘴滑舌

139
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,560
讓我教你怎麼用舌頭

140
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,560
這個週末一起歡樂野餐慶生吧?

141
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,760
天氣晴朗,花粉不多

142
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,040
不必擔心過敏,又能曬黑

143
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,320
好啊,我跟你去野餐

144
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,200
天啊

145
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,840
我要跟最喜歡的馴鹿歡樂野餐了

146
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,080
電話給我,我們安排一下

147
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,760
這樣吧

148
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,800
你講時間地點,我送你去

149
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,520
讓我坐在棕髮美女身旁

150
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,280
誰啊?

151
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,280
你說我啊?

152
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,320
我愛上她的笑聲,聽不膩

153
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,600
想盡辦法逗她笑

154
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,520
既不刻意,也不傷人

155
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,960
結果成為酒吧主顧間的笑話

156
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,440
唐尼,不把女朋友介紹給我們啊?

157
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,080
這就是你跟我們講的那位?

158
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,360
超級名模?

159
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,480
你說的?真的?

160
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,960
唐尼,快說,你們什麼時候打砲?

161
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,920
我堅持婚後才有性行為

162
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:37,720
你在等什麼?

163
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:39,680
問她啊

164
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,280
對啊,問她!

165
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,680
問她...

166
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,160
問她!

167
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,560
你不問嗎?

168
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,280
我會是好老婆哦

169
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,440
跟我結婚就發了

170
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,800
我才剛買一間閣樓,裝潢好了

171
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,600
現在只要找人搞定我的房事

172
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:04,960
“搞定她的房事”

173
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,960
這句話聽起來有性暗示

174
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,480
我不想跟他們一般見識

175
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,160
但我要擺脫痛苦的尷尬場面

176
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,600
我來搞定你的房事!

177
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,280
我想逗她笑

178
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,120
我希望她喜歡這個笑話,可是沒有

179
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,640
我在那一刻才知道

180
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,640
她當真了

181
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:40,120
(馴鹿寶貝,玫瑰太佬套了
為我發揮一點愴意吧)

182
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,280
(我可以連續高潮很多次)

183
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,080
(我交你,手指是眾點)

184
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,280
(我得走了,小瑪)

185
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,480
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

186
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,240
後來她傳電子郵件

187
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,120
每天80封,一直到晚上

188
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,320
(垃圾郵件)

189
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:59,200
地址是隨機數字和字母
長得跟垃圾郵件很像

190
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,920
可是內容跟她講的話一樣

191
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,040
{\an8}滔滔不絕,不假修飾

192
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,680
{\an8}尺度全開

193
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,960
{\an8}有時很簡單的字也會寫錯

194
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,400
其他字又沒問題

195
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,360
(舔陰)

196
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,840
而且她有蘋果手機

197
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,640
可是她在酒吧傳簡訊時沒用蘋果

198
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,280
馴鹿,你看我買的

199
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,960
歡樂野餐前買的

200
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,800
你看,小籃子

201
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,760
有一般果醬、橘子果醬

202
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:32,680
麵包丁

203
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,280
還有香檳酒,如果你喜歡

204
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,600
我不喝酒,不過歡迎你

205
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,880
倒在我的胸部上舔乾淨

206
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:42,160
{\an8}(195.50英鎊)

207
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,000
怎麼了?

208
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,240
沒事,只是你花好多錢買這個

209
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,480
今年的生日很特別

210
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,080
我剛好43歲

211
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:53,840
而且能與你共度

212
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,120
{\an8}瑪莎,我覺得這樣不太好

213
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,920
{\an8}什麼?歡樂野餐不好?

214
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,080
{\an8}對,這樣不好

215
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:10,240
{\an8}真的?為什麼?我也剛買棉毯耶

216
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,920
{\an8}特別軟,免得你碰到草長痘痘

217
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:19,640
{\an8}這個...野餐不是情侶才會做的事嗎?

218
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,040
{\an8}那朋友都做什麼?

219
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,360
{\an8}不知道,喝咖啡吧

220
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:31,360
{\an8}咖啡可以

221
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,240
(歡樂咖啡,好耶!)

222
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,480
(我差點買丁字褲送你
後來我享我是青少年嗎?)

223
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:42,840
(布想讓那冬西
從我的屄把我切成兩半!)

224
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,400
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

225
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,720
(全日菜單)

226
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,880
- 知道要點什麼了嗎?
- 我要你的“蘇格蘭肉汁”

227
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,760
我想知道菜單上有沒有

228
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,080
我倒沒看到...

229
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,520
很幽默

230
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,600
怎麼樣?“菜單”上有嗎?

231
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,440
恐怕沒有

232
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,720
不過特餐裡面有

233
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,800
特餐

234
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,280
你的笑聲真特別

235
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,160
對啊,大家都這麼說

236
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,600
我爸以前都叫我“哈哈妹”

237
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,240
他的手好大

238
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,360
你有音量鈕嗎?可以轉小聲嗎?

239
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,000
你要先把我“開機”啊

240
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,800
你對我是認真的嗎?

241
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,000
我能接受事實,只要說真話就好

242
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,280
我經辦過世界各地的大案子

243
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:10,120
好萊塢,隨便你講,我都搞得定

244
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,160
不過當然很可惜

245
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,520
畢竟說好要“搞定房事”

246
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,240
讓我滿懷希望

247
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,720
不過我能承受

248
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,000
我能承受

249
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,280
好,我對你很認真

250
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,720
別這樣,天啊

251
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:35,080
慢著,我說認真交朋友好嗎?交朋友

252
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,200
朋友

253
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,120
砲友

254
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,600
純粹朋友

255
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,840
- 可以點了嗎?
- 可以

256
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,960
- 麻煩給我美式咖啡
- 好

257
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,280
- 我只要白開水
- 好

258
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,680
- 你不點嗎?
- 我沒錢

259
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,760
我出,你就...

260
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:50,920
好吧

261
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,320
我要牛角麵包、燕麥餅乾

262
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,000
巧克力蛋糕和一杯咖啡

263
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,680
好,什麼咖啡?

264
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:02,480
無咖啡因的

265
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,520
無咖啡因,好,馬上來,謝謝

266
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,920
所以...你怎麼知道我的電郵地址?

267
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:15,800
你的網站

268
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,720
你不該放在上面,誰都看得到

269
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,040
- 我現在知道了
- 所以你是諧星?

270
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,480
- 算是吧
- 沒什麼搞頭

271
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,560
你在問問題嗎?

272
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,480
不是,我看得出來,沒什麼搞頭

273
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,240
哪有?其實...

274
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,920
我有看網路影片,笑點有夠爛

275
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,400
- 現在有進步了
- 而且都在罵人

276
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,080
- 這叫諷刺
- 很刺耳的諷刺

277
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,200
你是評論家嗎?

278
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,640
- 東西來了
- 謝謝

279
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,720
瑪莎,這樣吧

280
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,120
你可以保證不跟酒吧裡的人

281
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,640
提到網路影片嗎?

282
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,320
別鬧了,你應該很驕傲的

283
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,680
你在追逐夢想

284
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,960
對,我知道,只是...

285
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:05,760
怎麼了?

286
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,280
我從小就想當諧星,只是...

287
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,200
我不知道會他媽的這麼難

288
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,640
難可能也有好處吧?

289
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,520
我知道,只是...

290
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,840
我...以前以為夢想能帶來快樂,可是...

291
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,800
現在感覺就像要二選一

292
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,640
有人傷害過你,對不對?

293
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,080
我看得出來

294
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,000
你就像戰士

295
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,560
盔甲上千瘡百孔

296
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,480
就像一種傷口

297
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,280
因為女人嗎?

298
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:58,880
分手了?

299
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,600
我沒事

300
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,680
英勇戰士都這麼說

301
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,120
但是我看到你的心在淌血

302
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:11,880
傷口很深

303
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:14,640
是誰?

304
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,120
瑪莎,請放開我的手

305
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,760
- 告訴我名字
- 瑪莎,拜託

306
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:20,720
說吧

307
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,080
- 瑪莎,拜託
- 說吧

308
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,200
瑪莎,請放手!

309
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,680
不行!你好大的膽子!

310
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,960
你們還好吧?

311
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:39,560
我們很好

312
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,600
我們很好,真的

313
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,800
你們還要什麼別的嗎...

314
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,400
請結帳

315
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,440
- 你要走那邊?
- 這邊

316
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,960
我走這邊

317
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,560
謝謝你請的蛋糕

318
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,520
我知道她不是百萬大律師

319
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,320
可是看到她瘋成這樣
還是讓我很不自在

320
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,480
這女人是誰?她到底看上我哪一點?

321
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,200
幹,靠

322
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:05,080
(我看到馴鹿寶倍這個小偷窺狂了)

323
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,120
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

324
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,520
我有時想知道當初沒跟蹤她會怎樣

325
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,600
當初直接回家能讓災難就此打住嗎?

326
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,360
也許我內心深處想被抓

327
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,680
也許我內心深處想看看後果會怎樣

328
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,800
好,各位,這次的比賽非常精彩

329
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,880
很多人都想擠進準決賽

330
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,560
大家繼續熱烈歡迎下一位參賽者

331
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,960
唐尼鄧恩上台!

332
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,480
好,我馬上把東西放好

333
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,320
準備道具

334
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,640
打開舊箱子的拉鍊

335
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,800
好了

336
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,720
可以了

337
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,960
砰!對,好,讚

338
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,800
實在...

339
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,120
我知道你們在想什麼

340
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,200
大威廉絲豁出去了

341
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,680
抱歉,天啊,說錯名字
抱歉,這是新笑話

342
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,720
我拿我的筆記,我...

343
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,160
再來一次好了,我們...有了

344
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,280
我知道你們在想什麼

345
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,760
小威廉絲豁出去了

346
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,840
好,沒人笑,下一個

347
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,840
有人笑,希望你在裡面到處走走

348
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,800
真不該帶我媽出門吧?

349
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:53,400
你叫什麼名字?

350
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:59,000
瑪莎,你的太空船停在外面嗎?

351
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,520
對,在外面

352
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,560
要坐太空船回我的母星嗎?

353
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,720
你的母星?他們會覺得我很幽默嗎?

354
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,880
沒問題

355
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,640
你的母星在哪裡?

356
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,680
北倫敦那邊

357
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,640
我很好奇,你說的太空船是指...

358
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,000
飛雅特小車

359
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,280
漂亮,各位觀眾,今天互動太精彩了

360
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,600
天啊

361
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,960
拜託,好吧...

362
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,600
我會唱歌喔

363
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,320
大家不是來聽歌的...

364
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:39,960
讓她唱啦

365
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,240
- 好啦,讓她唱
- 不行

366
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,360
好啦,讓她唱啦!

367
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,200
好吧,管他的,那就唱吧

368
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,920
我知道我排隊等待,等你覺得有空

369
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,280
陪我共度夜晚

370
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:01,520
南西辛納屈,你怎麼跑來了?

371
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,960
如果我們去某處共舞,我知道很可能

372
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,840
你會丟下我而去

373
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,000
會唱重金屬的歌嗎?

374
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,400
我很想讓你唱,但你會搶我鋒頭

375
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,240
大家為瑪莎掌聲鼓勵鼓勵,好耶!

376
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,320
精彩,太精彩了

377
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,800
巧的是我一直覺得那首歌很怪

378
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,880
還好他們沒說真的夠蠢的話

379
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,680
“然後我破壞氣氛,說了不該說的話

380
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,040
‘希特勒被人誤解了’”

381
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,720
我最近開始吃素

382
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,320
所以要犧牲一點東西

383
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,520
這是我的新女友
她真的在做雞,拜託

384
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:59,240
對,很會幫人吹喇叭,糟糕

385
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,160
好,總算暖身了

386
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,160
(你袋上那頂貂皮帽時
不知道,整個人都亮了起來)

387
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:08,320
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

388
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,360
(你袋上那頂貂皮帽時
不知道,整個人都亮了起來)

389
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,880
我咧幹

390
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,120
你怎麼辦到的?

391
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,280
- 什麼?
- 突然出現

392
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,280
簡直像忍者貓

393
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,920
今晚的很好笑,得獎是應該的

394
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,000
比網路上的爛笑話好

395
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,840
好吧,謝謝

396
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,000
那些道具、工具之類的

397
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:35,480
超好笑的,小馴鹿

398
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:42,040
你骨子裡就是喜劇笑匠吧?

399
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,520
謝謝

400
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:45,760
用不著謝我

401
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:47,560
謝你自己

402
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,120
謝謝你的骨子

403
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:54,120
呃

404
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,960
我昨天在外面時不該跟蹤你的

405
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,800
沒關係,別傻了

406
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,920
我不會氣你偷窺

407
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,040
下次進來吃頓飯吧

408
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,480
我煮拿手菜給你

409
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,880
你的拿手菜是什麼?

410
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,160
“下麵”

411
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:22,560
我幹

412
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,800
你真的瘋了是吧?

413
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,640
你想要什麼超能力?

414
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,520
我想知道別人在想什麼

415
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,240
這樣就不必老是亂猜

416
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,960
怎麼?你擔心別人對你有負面想法?

417
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,400
不是,我擔心他們根本沒想到我

418
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,040
- 我要的超能力很怪
- 我想也是

419
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,800
你會不會...

420
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,480
想打開別人身體

421
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,120
然後爬進他們體內?

422
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,560
我很少有這種衝動,沒有

423
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,520
真希望人的下巴有拉鍊

424
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,920
能一直打開到肚子

425
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,880
{\an8}讓我拉開他們,躺進去躲起來

426
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,720
你在跟我要全套緊身衣嗎?

427
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,360
對,我會把你當成連身服穿上去

428
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,640
天啊,整個冬天都能窩在你體內

429
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:44,960
真好

430
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:47,720
可惜會吃不到餅乾

431
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,200
這樣吧

432
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,240
列出你要的餅乾

433
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,080
我偶爾趁沒人注意時

434
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,200
從下巴打開拉鍊,塞餅乾給你

435
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:02,440
怎麼樣?

436
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,880
兩全其美耶!天啊

437
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:08,920
天啊

438
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,200
你真會講話

439
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,680
然後我們去個安靜的小地方

440
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,360
小酌一兩杯

441
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:39,520
然後我破壞氣氛,說了不該說的話

442
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,400
- 希特勒被人誤解了
- 我愛你

443
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:46,840
我愛你

444
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:53,000
糟糕

445
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,120
- 朋友啦,跟你講的一樣
- 不行

446
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,400
- 抱歉
- 我講太多了吧?

447
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:02,760
天啊,我操你媽的白痴嘴巴!

448
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,560
- 別這樣,好嗎?
- 好笨

449
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,880
沒關係,好嗎?別這樣哦,拜託...

450
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,840
我隱隱覺得你會害死我

451
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,560
拉鍊

452
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,000
(交友邀請,瑪莎史考特)

453
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,320
(卡麥隆,瑪莎史考特
又化臉為夷了!)

454
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,080
(他沒有我就玩了)

455
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:15,320
(今天認是一個人)

456
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,200
(跟我的訓鹿寶貝白頭皆老)

457
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,800
(瑪莎史考特 律師)

458
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:29,680
(神經跟騷犯)

459
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:32,400
(跟蹤騷擾判決)

460
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:34,920
(連續跟騷犯判刑)

461
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,960
我坐好幾個小時想查個清楚

462
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,720
拼湊出她的生平

463
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:51,240
畢業後的工作,跟老闆不倫被開除

464
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,840
開始賴在老闆家外面不走

465
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:57,320
向警方謊報老闆虐待自己的殘障女兒

466
00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,800
還曾經在路上攻擊老闆的媽媽

467
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,320
然後被判有期徒刑四年半

468
00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:23,320
有個跟騷前科犯在跟騷我

469
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:48,680
(確認)

470
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:50,440
(朋友)

471
00:29:58,280 --> 00:29:59,680
(理查蓋德同名戲劇改編)

472
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,600
字幕翻譯:溫鳳祺