[Donny] I couldn't believe I had done it.
Was it a moment of madness or an attempt at self-destruction?
I wasn't sure.
I went to unfriend her many times, but I always stopped myself.
She is ill, misunderstood. There are two sides to every story.
If you aren't living a life worth living, then can someone ruin it at all?
Then came the comments on all my photos,
some as far back as when I first opened the account.
Jealous remarks on photos with my ex-girlfriend Keeley,
alongside these bizarre captions describing my every move.
[unsettling music playing]
[music fades]
[computer chimes]
[unsettling music playing]
[laptop slams shut]
[typing]
Well, Tony, whatever you're doing, it's working.
What do you mean?
I'm just saying,
we've met six times now.
All you do is crack jokes then leave early.
[chuckles]
A girl should be insulted, but I hate that it intrigues me.
Well, I like to take it slow. I'm a gentleman in that respect.
[chuckles] You never walk me to the Tube. You never tell me about your life.
You're not on Facebook.
I can't tell if you're genuine
or I'm gonna wake up one day inside a true-crime podcast.
Well, what do you wanna know?
[romantic music playing softly]
Mmm.
Tell me why you always insist on coming here.
Well, lots of reasons. Great atmosphere.
Yes, you can always judge a great bar
by how many people are reading the Financial Times.
[laughs]
It's so dark too. I feel all I do is squint at you all evening.
Ah, well, don't squint, then. Just let your eyes fuzz.
I really come into my own when I'm in a soft focus.
[laughs]
You're so weird.
- Am I? - It's fine. I like weird.
We're all varying degrees of weird, aren't we? Pretending to be human.
Ah, that's good, that is. Yeah, I'll use that.
Mm. Philosophy go down well on the construction site, does it, Tony?
[Donny] I met Teri by signing up to a trans dating website.
I changed my name from Donny to Tony
and invented a job and an entire persona as a means of keeping myself disguised.
I hated myself for doing it,
but I just couldn't bear the thought of anyone finding out.
I never expected to fall in love.
- Hi. - Hey.
[Donny] She was brilliant. Fierce, witty, unashamed.
Everything I was not.
A therapist who moved to London six years ago
and was now working in the heart of the city.
The more we laughed and chatted and wound down the clock until morning,
the more and more I fell for her.
You know something's right
when you get that tingly feeling behind your eyes when you talk to them.
But then I would think about bumping into someone I knew together,
from the pub or from the comedy world,
that they could tell somehow that I was dating a trans woman,
and I just couldn't move past the bullshit of my shame.
So when it came to meeting outside,
I kept our dates to a dim cocktail bar on the edge of town.
Well,
Tony,
are you gonna say something?
[Donny] I always meant to tell her about Tony,
but the more I fell for her, the more I found myself putting it off.
[typing]
[Martha] There he is. Frankie, baby.
Martha. Um...
Uh, hi.
Honestly, where were you last night? You need to tell me if you're not working.
Kept thinking of you floating in that canal somewhere, face down.
The one you go through when you walk to the bus from work.
All sorts of weird fuckers down that way. Junkies and thieves. All kinds.
Asians.
- You should be careful. - Uh...
Oh my God, been loving your Facebook page by the way.
Don't know what I think of the tarts you surround yourself with.
That Keeley Leigh one in particular.
The way she's always hugging you and burrowing her nose into your nape.
[chuckles uneasily]
I mean, how desperate can one tart be?
Can you imagine it?
Uh...
So, who are you texting?
- I'm sorry? - Wasn't that Keeley bint, was it?
No, Martha. If you must know, Keeley's just an old friend, okay?
Men and women can't be friends.
You fucking her?
What? No, Martha, I'm not. Now, will you drop it, please?
Oh my God. I'm sorry, reindeer.
I'm a nightmare, I know. I was getting carried away with myself.
[chuckles] I'm just not very good with competition, see?
Tends to bring out the worst in me.
- How so? - Oh, lots of ways, really.
I find myself getting lost on the Internet trying to find out everything about them.
But don't worry, reindeer. I know you're single.
You don't sing into a girl's soul like that with a tart on the side.
That'd be cruel.
I wouldn't abide by that.
Anyway, I'll get you inside.
[unsettling music playing]
[Donny] I couldn't sleep that night for fear of Martha finding out about Teri.
What would happen then?
I made a vow to keep them as far apart as possible.
I figured the easier thing to do would be to keep Teri away from Martha.
Hey, Teri!
What are you doing here?
[sighs]
Holy shit.
There's, like, hundreds just today.
Have you read all these?
No, there's not enough time in the day to read all of them.
Some of these are...
I mean, she's clearly unwell.
Yeah. That's why I think we should lay low for a while.
Why does she call you Donny?
Oh, she... she calls me lots of things. Um...
Funny bones, nipple-head--
Baby reindeer?
I'm assuming she's not a lawyer.
[scoffs] No, she can't be. Spends all day sitting in the Heart.
The Heart? The pub in Camden?
[suspenseful music playing]
- Uh, what did I say? - [Teri] The Heart.
Is that where you met?
[suspenseful music continues]
Uh, yeah, I'm just trying to remember, actually.
Well, there's only one Heart in Camden.
I don't go there anymore.
According to these, you were there yesterday.
I wasn't. She's just lying.
What are the police saying to all this?
Oh, I... I don't think it merits...
I mean, it's not that bad.
But bad enough that we need to lay low for a while.
Why haven't you reported this?
I don't know. She's just batty.
I mean, apart from a few random emails, it really isn't all that much.
I just didn't wanna drag you into it.
[Teri] Not that much?
She's a fantasist who's fabricated an entire identity for herself.
Does that not scream alarm bells, Tony?
I don't know about that. People lie for all sorts of reasons.
[Teri] Not like this they don't.
Promise me you'll shut this down.
Because I'm not hiding from anyone.
If you don't, I might have to come to Camden
and pay her a visit myself.
[car door opens]
[car door closes]
[Donny] It was like some crazy nightmare, where each lie and wrong decision
somehow bound Martha and Teri closer together.
Like the universe was punishing me
every single time I tried to cower my way out of the situation.
Jeezo, nipple!
Fifteen minutes I've been here worrying my head off about you.
Honestly! You need to tell me when you're running late.
At least give me your goddamn phone number so I won't have to worry so much.
Come on, you know the drill, nipple.
Quick Diet Coke to wet the whistle, and I'll be offski.
[tense music playing]
[sniffs nervously]
£2.50, please.
[Donny sniffs]
- You never charge me. - I have to.
- I can't afford it. - Thought you were a lawyer, no?
What you being weird for?
I'm not. I just think it's time we drew a few boundaries.
You said about the curtains.
I know. That was a joke. I'm a comedian. I make jokes.
What? So...
this has all been... one big wind-up, has it?
Crazy Martha... with her big brain. Joke's on her?
No, no, it's... it's not like that.
You've said a lot of shit to me, reindeer.
Yeah. No, Martha, uh, please don't cry.
[crying] What?
Are you saying you've never had feelings for me?
No. No, I'm not saying that, obviously.
- I think you're... great. It's just... - [whimpers]
[uneasy music playing]
What is it?
- Well, what is it? - The age gap.
But there's not that much of an age gap.
Yeah, but by the time I want kids,
you know, like a big family, it's... it's... it's gonna matter.
Oh, that'd be tricky.
Yeah.
[sighs] This fucking world.
All it does is take from you.
["My Name Is Trouble" playing]
[notifications chiming rapidly]
[Donny] That night, Martha flooded my account with email after email
detailing periods, tampons, blood clots,
reinforcing this image of her fertility.
There was no excuse now, in her eyes.
We were becoming a thing.
♪ My name is... ♪
Quick! Reindeer!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Open!
[Donny] Every morning now, Martha would arrive
exactly two hours before the pub opened.
Then all day she would trail me around the bar,
talking endlessly about our future together.
I've thought hard about it, and my answer's yes.
- Yes to what? - Kids, marriage, the full nine yards.
I never said anything about marriage.
[Donny] Everywhere I turned, she just seemed to be there,
popping up at the most inopportune moments to talk about our future together.
Our wedding day, what we were gonna call our kids...
I think I can do three if we move quickly.
I've even been thinking of what to call them too. Here.
[Donny] ...the image of which horrified me almost as much as the names she'd chosen.
I tried to distance myself,
but she still persevered with the same dead-eyed commitment.
- Need a hand, Frankie baby? - What? No, I'm fine.
Do you like that? "Frankie baby"?
From the duet. Frankie Sinatra. He had a gorgeous tush too.
- Boop. - I've got hot fucking plates in my hand.
- Will you stop fussing around me? - I've got tickets to the semifinal.
What?
[Martha] Tickets. For your competition. Gonna come down and empty my lungs.
Been learning a new duet too. I'm thinking Kylie and Jason this time.
- You're coming to the competition? - [Martha] Absolutely.
And I thought, after your semi, I could give you a full erection.
[Martha giggles]
- [music stops] - [sniffing]
We need to bar Martha.
What? No chance.
That'd be like barring a year's worth of banter.
Let's be honest, Donny. You're nothing without her.
Just hear me out. Gino, can you leave?
No. What you can say in front of me, you can say in front of the missus.
[Gino scoffs]
Look, I'm just getting a bad feeling.
I mean, look at all these emails she's been sending me. Here.
[laughs] Oh man. Oh, shit, man. That's... That is proper nuts.
- Get my point? - [man] I don't know.
Barring is complicated these days.
Unless you've got evidence, it can come back on us.
- How'd she get your email? - It doesn't matter.
All that matters is she did get it,
and now we have all the evidence we need to bar her, right?
There's plenty of evidence here. You read this one?
Oh no. No, that... that is brutal. [chuckles]
- Which one is that? - The one where you beg her for anal sex.
- What are you talking about? - Here.
Looks to me like you've been begging her for anal sex, mate.
[both stifle laughter]
You wrote back. Are you fucking kidding me?
Shit, you actually sent it.
Are you stupid? Are you a fucking moron?
Oh, chill. She'll see it as a joke. [laughs]
[tense music playing]
[music stops]
[Donny] It was incredible, really, just how quickly
things seemed to be falling apart.
Oh.
Hi, is that Jason?
Hi, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Donny. I'm just, um...
I... I'm sorry to call so late.
I'm just wondering if I can move my semifinal to the other date?
Yeah, I have to tend to some family shit, which means I can't do the current one.
Oh man, you're a hero!
Thanks, Jase. Can I call you Jase?
All right. Thanks, Jason. Bye, mate. Bye.
[exhales sharply]
["Yellow Pearl playing]
♪ We will arise ♪
♪ We will control ♪
♪ We will command ♪
♪ They shall prevail ♪
♪ We will patrol ♪
♪ They will patrol Arise ♪
Oh, wow! You made it.
I picked the gayest bar intentionally just to see if you'd crack.
I know you did. So what do I do? Do I avoid breathing in the air particles?
[laughing] Oh, shut up!
You'd be pretty damn intolerable if you didn't get irony.
- I'll take that as a compliment. - Mmm, you should.
Did I give you consent to put your arms around my waist?
You did, actually, when you turned up in that skimpy little dress. [chuckles]
Are you drunk already?
Ah, just on love.
Oh, go away.
- I'm serious. You should meet her someday. - [gasps]
[Donny chuckles]
Oh my God, I fucking love this song. Come on, let's dance. Let's dance.
- I didn't have you down as a dancer. - I'm not but I'll drag you down with me.
["Cars" playing]
♪ Here in my car, I feel safest of all I can lock all... ♪
Honestly, what have you done with him? Where's Tony?
I'm his twin. He sends me to seal the deal for him.
Well, tell him that's illegal.
What is?
[Teri] Sleeping with someone under a false identity.
Is it?
Yeah, of course.
["Cars" continues]
What's your name, then, twinny?
Uh, Donny.
Oh.
Weird. That's what Martha calls you.
Yeah, um...
♪ Here in my car... ♪
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Um, tell you what, let me just, um...
One second, yeah?
[breathes shakily]
["Cars" continues in the distance]
[Donny exhales slowly]
Fuck's sake!
["Smalltown Boy" playing]
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Um, shall we get a drink?
I think you should maybe slow down a bit.
- Okay. - [Teri] Here. Sit.
Have some water.
Oh, fuck.
Did something happen to you today? You seem troubled.
No, I'm fine.
Martha, by any chance?
[chuckles wryly]
Something tells me I'm gonna enjoy this.
No, I just, um... I thought I'd let her down gently
by making out that I wanted kids and stuff.
[laughs]
Oh, this gets better and better.
- Do you wanna know what I think? - I think you're gonna tell me anyway.
I think you're enjoying this.
You've read a few emails. Stop acting like you know the situation.
You know, I googled her.
Why didn't you tell me that she'd been to jail before?
Didn't seem relevant.
See what I mean?
Any sane person who was getting stalked by a violent ex-convict
wouldn't hesitate to go to the police.
But not you.
To you, she's harmless.
To you, she's sympathetic.
To you, it's not relevant?
I'm just saying, there's a reason you're keeping her around,
and maybe it's not so much who she is, but...
what she gives you.
Because let's be honest,
love is most comforting, isn't it, when it's felt one way.
Why else do you think I'm here?
You're a tremendous liar.
[soft music playing]
Come back with me tonight.
Just don't tell Tony.
[soft music continues]
[giggles]
Okay.
[soft music continues]
[music stops]
[Donny] Sometimes you create such a web of lies that you almost forget
what you started running from in the first place.
But here I was, the woman of my dreams before me,
Tony the builder, four stops away from a sex crime.
[Teri] Oh my God.
I'm way drunker than I thought I was.
Annoyingly, just as my sobriety returns.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry!
Just keep still, will you?
I think I just stepped on an old lady. [laughs]
Just... just keep it down a bit, yeah?
You care too much.
I don't encourage drug addiction, but I think it might be good for you.
Here, give me your hands.
When you do your building work, do you put a new set of hands on?
[uneasy music playing]
What do you mean?
It's just they're not very calloused for a builder.
Oh, these are my wanking hands. I swap them round every day.
You ever tried wanking with calloused hands?
I was rather looking forward to it.
What's it gonna take for you to finally give me a proper kiss?
[uneasy music continues]
[heartbeat echoing]
Sorry, what was that?
Kiss me.
[uneasy music continues]
[clock ticking]
[music fades]
[tube departing]
[Donny] It is so devastating to think of yourself as a progressive person,
only to realize you're a coward underneath it all.
But when you spend so long swallowing your shame,
it is so hard to stop it becoming part of you.
You filthy fucker.
I've never taken it up the chufter, but I might make concessions for you.
Please, Martha. I just need to go home.
[Martha] You got a choice, boy.
Kids or bum fun.
'Cause I don't know what they taught you in those Fife comprehensives,
but if you stick it in the two,
then you don't get the 2.4.
- Do you know what I mean? - Martha, just go back home.
You're really getting on my nerves with this dilly-dally, hot-and-cold shit!
- Get out of my way, Martha. - [Martha] No!
I've already given parts of myself away to you.
So the least you can do is piece me back together
with some bloody justification.
Because let me tell you this for size.
Men who don't fancy me
are either blind or gay.
I don't see you reaching for the banister when you climb the stairs.
No, I'm not fucking gay, Martha. Jesus.
Then stop pushing me away.
I can help you, you know?
[sighs] Help with what?
[Martha] The person.
- The one that hurt you. - I don't know what you're talking about.
It was a man, wasn't it?
[unsettling music playing]
[Martha] What did he do to you?
Okay, I'm just gonna leave, yeah?
I'm just gonna turn and walk away, and you're not to follow.
Do you understand?
Good.
[sighs] I'm not playing here, Martha.
Yes, you are, Mr. Blobby. Tag!
- What the fuck are you doing? - Do you like it? Mr. Blobby.
I'm Mrs. Blobby 'cause I'm always on the blob.
- Tag! - Get off me.
- [Martha] Tag! - Fuck off.
- Tag! - I'm serious, Martha. Get off me!
I'm not messing here. Keep your hands to yourself.
Jesus fucking Christ.
[uneasy music playing]
[Martha giggles]
[Donny] Oh, fuck's sake. I'm serious, Martha. Stop right now.
Fucking back off!
- [Martha giggles] - Martha.
- [laughs] - [Donny] Martha, what are you doing?
- [Martha] Tag! - What the fuck?
- Tag! - I told you to stop!
Martha, I'm serious. Keep your fucking hands to yourself.
- Fuck off-- - Tag!
Martha, wait. Just stop.
Keep still.
[Donny breathes shakily]
You're beating.
I'm making you beat.
["A Soft Seduction" playing]
♪ The words of love are not enough ♪
♪ Though sweet as wine As thick as blood ♪
♪ Passionless moments And we are homeless ♪
♪ Out on the street ♪
♪ A junkie's song, a dancer's knees ♪
♪ The laws of chance Strange as it seems ♪
♪ Take us exactly ♪
♪ Where we most likely need to be ♪
[singer vocalizes]
[music fades]