1
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:25,040
(咚咚...我廳到了,馴鹿!)

2
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,680
(叢我的蘋果手機傳送)

3
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,040
我在臉書上封鎖瑪莎
然後跟酒吧請假

4
00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,600
{\an8}也許在內心深處

5
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,520
{\an8}我希望只要消失夠久,她就可能膩了

6
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,840
或者我也許能忘掉那件事

7
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,480
但她抓我下面的感覺持續多天

8
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,880
還有她把我壓在牆上飄來的脖子汗味

9
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,640
我為什麼不動?

10
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,960
為什麼任由這種事發生?

11
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,240
感覺很沒人性

12
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:53,960
一點都不人性

13
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,680
(馴鹿你好九沒去酒吧?怎麼)

14
00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,840
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

15
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,200
你還沒睡

16
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,520
對啊,睡不著

17
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,640
禮拜五的約會怎麼樣?

18
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,680
喔,不太好

19
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,200
哦

20
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,840
你不要覺得因為你跟我女兒交往過

21
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,480
就不能帶別人回這裡

22
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,720
不是那個關係,只是...

23
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,400
她在回家的路上甩了我

24
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,360
好爛哦

25
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,800
唐尼,真的,沒那種人反而好

26
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,960
我知道我不能繼續在家裡裝作沒事

27
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:52,880
所以跑回泰瑞家

28
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:57,120
決定做一件比之前行為還衝動的事

29
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,400
(女王)

30
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,320
我要跟她說實話

31
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:02,520
喂

32
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,120
你好,快遞

33
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,320
好,來了

34
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,520
東尼,搞什麼?

35
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,680
我的確不是快遞,可是我有東西要送

36
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:17,600
送什麼?

37
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,920
送上道歉

38
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,880
滾啦,你這爛人有夠肉麻

39
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:29,640
所以我能上去嗎?

40
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:41,720
給你三分鐘

41
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,000
我不叫東尼

42
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,600
我就知道,那你到底叫什麼?

43
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,520
唐尼

44
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,640
你能和跟騷犯說實話,跟我卻不行

45
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,920
你跟我講的哪一句是實話?

46
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,720
例如你那威猛到不行的建築工作

47
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,320
假的

48
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,400
為什麼?幹嘛說謊?

49
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,240
我不知道,大概內心怕受傷吧

50
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,920
假裝成別人會讓我比較敢跨出去

51
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,560
讓我比較...

52
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,280
像個男人

53
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,800
我第一次聽過這麼扯的話

54
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,680
你他媽真的有病

55
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,520
說啊,你在哪裡工作?

56
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,360
- 酒吧
- 哪間酒吧?

57
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,560
連說都說不出口

58
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,200
康登區的“心跳”

59
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:45,720
做什麼的?

60
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,240
我剛才就講啦

61
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,000
沒人想在酒吧工作
你有什麼打算?未來目標呢?

62
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,400
你十年後想做什麼?

63
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,560
當個諧星

64
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,600
這個笑話不錯哦

65
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,960
這就真的好笑了

66
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,360
是這樣嗎?你找上我是為了取材?

67
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,920
什麼?泰瑞,我不會做這種事

68
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:14,320
我不信,我不相信你講的任何一句話

69
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,360
告訴你

70
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,360
時間到了,媽的笨蛋,滾出去

71
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,160
別這樣

72
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,960
(編輯個人資料)

73
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,680
(東尼)

74
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,440
(唐尼)

75
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,080
(建築工人)

76
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,760
(諧星)

77
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:15,760
(“諧星”)

78
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,200
唐尼!

79
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,880
過來跟烹飪社團的人打招呼

80
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,040
他來了!

81
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,000
你們真的有煮東西嗎?

82
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,080
- 我們還在喝酒
- 耶!

83
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,160
這禮拜有誰?有新人嗎?

84
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,040
有,這位是小波

85
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,440
- 小波是職業畫家
- 小波,你好

86
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,120
這位是席拉,天啊
抱歉,我忘了你的職業

87
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,000
我是律師

88
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,320
(馴鹿寶貝,如果你不要我去擬家)

89
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,640
(幹嘛都走運河那條鹿回家?)

90
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,720
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

91
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,800
《馴鹿寶貝》

92
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:29,440
我剛到倫敦時

93
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,400
跟當時的女友齊莉搬去她媽媽家

94
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,520
同時在找能同居的房子

95
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,440
幸會

96
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:40,200
本來只要借住半個月,結果變成半年

97
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,600
又變成一年

98
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,600
我還來不及硬,她就說我沒血沒淚

99
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,320
最後搬了出去

100
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,520
結果在我也很難相信的諷刺情況下

101
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,480
我跟她媽媽成了老夫老妻

102
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,000
齊莉搬出去沒多久

103
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,640
麗絲的大兒子就死於攀岩意外

104
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:05,600
讓我適應新生活的過程無比尷尬

105
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,840
天啊,真對不起

106
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,320
沒關係

107
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,080
- 真的嗎?我可以...
- 真的

108
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,920
好,可以,我馬上好

109
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,160
我從這邊繞

110
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,360
你好,幸會

111
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,880
只要三分鐘

112
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,480
我有時懷疑麗絲兒子過世的時間點

113
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,640
讓她把我當成兒子替代品

114
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,600
好像他哪天離開,回來多了蘇格蘭腔

115
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,720
比較神經質,或者可以說

116
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,280
比較會攀岩

117
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,440
我在頂樓找到這件

118
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,440
- 我不能收
- 他的衣服都很好

119
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,160
對,但我真的不能收,太貴重了

120
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,160
我留給你,考慮一下

121
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,600
麗絲,我真的不能收這件外套

122
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,960
那種生活真詭異

123
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,600
跟前女友離婚兩次又喪子的媽媽同居

124
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:19,560
但是到後來,我慢慢珍惜生活中有她

125
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,680
她有無限的正能量

126
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:25,120
專門撫慰遭到難以言喻困境的人

127
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,640
所以齊莉發現我沒打算走時

128
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,920
她答應了,但有個條件

129
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,000
我不能為她媽媽的家帶來麻煩

130
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,320
我真不知道你怎麼做到的

131
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,320
做什麼?

132
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,600
沒喝酒還熬夜到這麼晚

133
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,760
我沒喝酒比較能撐,我本來就夠瘋了

134
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,440
我爸常說

135
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,200
我滴酒不沾就醉醺醺的

136
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,480
我懂那種感覺

137
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,320
她人很好,我喜歡

138
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,760
- 要倒飲料嗎?
- 我想也該結束了吧?

139
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,280
我要健怡可樂

140
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:02,640
這麼多咖啡因會讓你太亢奮啦

141
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:03,600
這樣才好

142
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,800
可能要找人幫忙消火哦

143
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:11,120
麗絲,我覺得今天這樣就夠了

144
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,480
我要早起,所以晚上要好好睡

145
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,280
我可以待這裡

146
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,560
歡迎你

147
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,960
這是一間老民宿,房間很多

148
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,800
我覺得瑪莎最好不要在這裡過夜

149
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,960
她叫席拉!天啊!

150
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,840
沒醉的應該是你耶

151
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:36,320
席拉,你不會去吵年輕人唐尼吧?

152
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,360
絕對不會,我要出聲時會先咬嘴唇

153
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,520
太好了,那就這樣

154
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,840
我幫你鋪床

155
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,800
唐尼,你幫席拉泡杯睡前喝的茶

156
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,120
你給我馬上離開

157
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,240
不要,我要在這裡過夜

158
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,040
不然很失禮,我朋友麗絲在鋪床

159
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,280
她不是你朋友,你非走不可

160
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,360
少跟我小鼻子小眼睛的

161
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,360
你在臉書上封鎖我
我還不嫌棄,你就該偷笑了

162
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:08,440
我不跟你講這個

163
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,640
你再繼續鬼扯下去,我就報警

164
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,760
你才不敢,我是律師

165
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,880
我這個人是有水準的

166
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,120
可不想讓警察沒事找事

167
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,160
那就離開,遠離這個烹飪班

168
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,520
遠離麗絲,遠離這間房子

169
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,080
聽懂沒有?

170
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,520
好,沒問題

171
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:37,160
你要...

172
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:15,240
(別報井!我去的時候
他們剛好在那裡聚會)

173
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,400
(我根本不愛做蔡,我都外袋)

174
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,560
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

175
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:22,080
我慌了整個晚上

176
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,120
想像瑪莎知道我的住處後會怎樣

177
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,000
她可以一天到晚過來

178
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,160
到我家走廊堵我

179
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,120
半夜時偷偷溜上我的床

180
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,120
到時會怎麼樣?

181
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,720
我早就該報警,但我決定先攤牌

182
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,800
要是她再到我家

183
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,920
就沒有轉寰餘地了

184
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,680
但她後來就沒出現

185
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,240
她知道我銷假後那天上班

186
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,680
這樣就能讓她徹底離開我嗎?

187
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,320
威脅要報警就行了?

188
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,200
感覺太簡單、太輕鬆

189
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:05,680
太...

190
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:08,640
靠

191
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,240
幹

192
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,080
我來開

193
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,720
我叫你別來了

194
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,120
你應該沒有那個權利吧

195
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,200
齊莉

196
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:57,800
你怎麼...

197
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,920
- 你怎麼來了?
- 這是我媽的家耶

198
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,240
- 不是,我不知道你要過來
- 我要我媽別講

199
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,000
不希望有人大驚小怪

200
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,520
可是看你的表情就知道來不及了

201
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,480
不是,我只...你要待多久?

202
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:15,760
隨老娘高興

203
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,400
對,當然了

204
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,320
這件事很嚴重,你女朋友是瘋子

205
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:26,440
一直在臉書上找我,不肯放過我

206
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,680
我都開始擔心碰到她了

207
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:29,880
你能勸她嗎?

208
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,400
- 她不是我女朋友
- 不然是誰?

209
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:35,920
你要處理好,唐尼

210
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,960
幹嘛怪我?我跟這件事無關

211
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,760
放屁,你一定做什麼惹到她

212
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,120
又開始怪我了

213
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,600
我當然怪你,你老愛惹事

214
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,280
只想讓生活不要有如死水

215
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:51,000
好高興,你的心理學碩士學位總算

216
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,400
派上用場了

217
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,720
我以前都覺得你在花店工作很浪費

218
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,240
如果她再煩我,我就跟我媽告狀

219
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,360
到時你咻一下就得搬出去了

220
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,640
(超討厭齊莉這個件或
我珍的老是看到她)

221
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,680
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

222
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,000
現在瑪莎每天都在外面

223
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,960
就像生命中的定時炸彈

224
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,560
我一早出門時,她會在那裏

225
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,440
奶頭,我愛你,工作時要想我哦

226
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:34,080
我回家有時都半夜11、12點了

227
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,520
她還是在那裡

228
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,800
馴鹿,上班怎麼樣?有想我嗎?

229
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,800
真不知對她有什麼好處,她沒靠近我

230
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,560
也沒再進屋內

231
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,720
麗絲經過時,她會避開

232
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,720
她每天只會虧我和看我一眼

233
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,360
為了短暫相逢,枯坐15、16個小時

234
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,680
笑彈,講個笑話,逗我笑吧

235
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,600
可是沒多久氣溫開始下降

236
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,600
我發現瑪莎開始有變化

237
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,920
情況惡化到只盯著前方

238
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,240
瑪莎

239
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:11,920
你還好嗎?

240
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:26,120
當初害慘我的同情心又回來了

241
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,120
天啊,瑪莎,你在這裡坐多久了?

242
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,480
來,我身上有面紙

243
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,080
拿去

244
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,160
好吧

245
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,520
來,讓我...

246
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,960
你整晚坐這裡會重感冒的

247
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,560
我送你回家好嗎?

248
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,880
我房東有車,我...

249
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,920
我開車載你

250
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,120
好,來吧

251
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,320
來,我們走

252
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,320
來,坐下

253
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:22,640
我幫你泡杯茶

254
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,520
你一定要趕快暖起來

255
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,240
(夢幻小姐)

256
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:57,640
(瑪莎史考特,法律學士高分畢業)

257
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,080
來,很燙

258
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:17,080
瑪莎,你不能老是在我家前面的站牌

259
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:20,960
為什麼?

260
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,400
因為你去那裡純粹是因為我家在附近

261
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,360
我朋友住你隔壁

262
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,560
{\an8}那你怎麼在站牌而不去朋友家?

263
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,320
瑪莎,拜託別再這樣了

264
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,680
我很看重這個家,我住不起別的地方

265
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,120
幹

266
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,600
天啊,你為什麼哭,奶頭?

267
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:01,800
媽的,我不是哭,我只是...

268
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,160
問題在哪裡?說啊

269
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,400
瑪莎,就是你,問題就是你

270
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,760
我要怎麼幫你,馴鹿?你要什麼?

271
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,840
喘息空間

272
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:16,880
喘息空間

273
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:19,760
我太黏人?

274
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:20,840
我們太親密?

275
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,520
你在講什麼?哪來的我們?媽的

276
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,440
我不管跟你講什麼都一樣

277
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,960
你只挑你想聽的部分

278
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,680
你看看你

279
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,240
你看著我的樣子就像...

280
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,200
像什麼?

281
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,480
我是說...

282
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,040
你真的相信對不對?

283
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,240
瑪莎

284
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,320
我要跟你分手

285
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:12,960
不行

286
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,880
不行

287
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,720
不行,求求你,不要

288
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,000
不行...

289
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,080
求求你...

290
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,640
- 我不去了
- 瑪莎,別這樣好嗎?

291
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,800
聽我說好嗎?

292
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:37,120
別想成你失去什麼
要想成你得到什麼

293
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:39,560
如果現在停止

294
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,440
再也別跟我聯絡

295
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,160
就幾乎沒有缺點了吧?

296
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,680
讓你回味的童話故事

297
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,600
想讓童話故事不變質

298
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,520
就必須尊重分手後的界線

299
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,240
你不想破壞童話結局吧?

300
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,080
不想

301
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,560
不想

302
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,280
我不會的,法蘭基

303
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,120
我不會...破壞我們的過去

304
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,600
(痛苦空需...我也知道
你是認真的,你的眼神在說話...)

305
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,440
(所以就在見了...)

306
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,520
(我礙你,我永遠愛你,小馴路)

307
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,080
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

308
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,280
好了,各位聽清楚

309
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,440
歡迎參加準決賽,每人五分鐘

310
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,800
結束前15秒會閃紅燈

311
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,520
超過指定時間者自動除名

312
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,280
- 這位葛蘭妲是主持人
- 大家好

313
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:50,160
有什麼要求或需要特別介紹就找她

314
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,840
好,祝各位晉級

315
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,240
我的內心把這場表演
想成能解決所有人生問題

316
00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:00,200
也許晉級決賽
就能讓我擺脫過去幾年的慘況

317
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,840
現在瑪莎走了,感覺所有障礙都消失

318
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:04,840
結果...

319
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:05,920
泰瑞

320
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,280
- 搞什麼?
- 這麼歡迎我哦

321
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,840
沒有,我只是...

322
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,760
好幾個禮拜沒見

323
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,200
- 你來做什麼?
- 看表演啊

324
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,240
- 別開玩笑
- 並沒有

325
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,760
只要看著你在幾百人面前落敗

326
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,120
我就能放下了

327
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,480
20個人也行嗎?

328
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:33,960
抱歉,他們是?

329
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,200
我朋友

330
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,480
他們來制止我重蹈覆轍

331
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,880
繼續讓爛男人作賤自己

332
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,760
請多多指教

333
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,960
我就算剛才不緊張,現在也緊張了

334
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,840
很好,我們笑點很高的

335
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,360
兄弟,快點,我要開門了

336
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:59,120
抱歉,我馬上過去,再幾秒鐘哦

337
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,280
我怎麼還沒走?
我也要去了,祝你們笑得開心

338
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,440
爸爸,如果你在看這...

339
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:15,560
- 天啊,媽的
- ...穿上長褲

340
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,080
要我介紹你嗎?

341
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,320
好,介紹時能說我有點瘋瘋的嗎?

342
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,080
讓觀眾準備迎接特殊段子

343
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,000
好,你是下一位,加油

344
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:26,160
好,謝謝

345
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:34,000
- 表演很精彩
- 各位觀眾,剛才很爆笑吧?

346
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,800
好,下一場表演超狂

347
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,640
他在後台走來走去,把我們嚇得半死

348
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:43,600
太過頭了

349
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,920
所以最好把女兒鎖在家裡...

350
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,320
把我講成變態了

351
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,920
- ...歡迎下一位笑匠上台...
- 我幹

352
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,120
- ...唐尼鄧恩!
- 好,謝謝

353
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:55,840
好,實在...

354
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,400
好,抱歉,先別鎖門

355
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,160
這不是笑話

356
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:04,320
我沒要上你們的女兒,把我講得像...

357
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:06,640
我不是變態

358
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,960
我覺得“把女兒鎖在家裡”這句話很怪

359
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:18,040
好像把全城女人都關起來
而不是去抓那個變態

360
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,040
所謂的適得其反

361
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:28,640
反正我覺得他是變態,他也許是...

362
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,920
殺手狂或者...

363
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,080
特別喜歡...

364
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,240
小女孩

365
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:44,280
對,我沒要上你們女兒
我只是先澄清一下

366
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,880
我來自蘇格蘭,為了英式甜點南下

367
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,320
我的確沒有蘇格蘭口音
可是看我外表就知道

368
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:54,880
我才剛滿16歲

369
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,240
好,可以...我們來講點笑話

370
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:01,320
唐尼鄧恩

371
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,200
我女友三個禮拜前說

372
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,480
她很想試試“密宗式性愛”

373
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,080
延後高潮的藝術

374
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,080
我回答:“我跟你交往五年了

375
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,520
你一次都沒高潮過

376
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,080
還要我怎麼樣?”

377
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,320
唐尼鄧恩

378
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,960
我女友兩個禮拜前說

379
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,800
“我們不適合當戀人”

380
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,840
我回答:“拜託

381
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,160
你也說我們不適合當表兄妹”

382
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,600
唐尼鄧恩

383
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,240
結果一個禮拜後,她跑來說

384
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:38,960
“我要跟你分手”

385
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,800
我回答說

386
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,640
“拜託,不要”

387
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:47,920
唐尼鄧恩

388
00:26:55,080 --> 00:27:00,000
好,我們拿點道具出來表演吧,好

389
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,520
特別獻給你

390
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:08,280
我要讓你明白我的經歷

391
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:12,640
我倆分開時,我想著你

392
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:19,240
謝謝,我要繼續表演

393
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:20,400
我好想你

394
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,400
我也想你,路人甲

395
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,200
我不是路人甲,我是你前任

396
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,400
不要這麼殘忍

397
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,480
你剛才講的是哪個女人?

398
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,480
你臉書上的齊莉嗎?

399
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:42,520
不對,其實這是所謂的虛構故事

400
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,000
就像你看《權力遊戲》時

401
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,720
你知道那些不是真正的火龍吧?

402
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,160
我不知道他們笑什麼,你有夠爛

403
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,680
好,先講一點背景知識,各位來賓

404
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:03,400
她是跟蹤騷擾我的人
叫瑪莎,大家跟她打聲招呼

405
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,320
不准這樣講我!

406
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:09,360
我是花錢的客人
你敢影射我有不純的動機?

407
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,640
馬上跟我道歉!

408
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,280
幹,誰打開龍發堂的門?

409
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,640
你不能說我是跟騷犯

410
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,960
你晚上偷偷到我家附近

411
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,120
隔著窗戶偷窺我

412
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,600
還傳電子郵件拜託我讓你插屁眼

413
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,320
我真的不知道她在講什麼

414
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,440
睜眼說瞎話

415
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:36,760
我給大家看

416
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,440
- 他知道我在講什麼
- 可以把她趕出去嗎?

417
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,320
- 你們看,這裡
- 保全?

418
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,200
我不知道那是什麼

419
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,520
抱歉,可以把她趕出去嗎?

420
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,840
你們看,電子郵件,上面寫肛交

421
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,840
看到沒?你看,肛交

422
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,600
- 小姐,我們出去吧
- 上面寫肛交

423
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,320
- 不要碰我
- 出去吧

424
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,000
你們無論如何都不可以碰我

425
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,320
不行,那個人愛搞屁眼

426
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,200
下三爛又愛搞屁眼

427
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:13,040
下流無恥的酒保,屁眼王八蛋!

428
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:16,320
不要碰我

429
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,760
真不該帶我媽出門

430
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:51,480
泰瑞,幹

431
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:52,920
快點進來

432
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,200
- 她就是瑪莎?
- 對

433
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,360
- 好扯
- 我知道,我們趕緊離開這裡

434
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,880
我要見她

435
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:03,120
- 你在開玩笑
- 沒有

436
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:04,520
我要見她

437
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,360
泰瑞,這樣很不好

438
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,200
你想想,我是心理師,能跟她溝通

439
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:12,520
你想想,她瘋了,沒辦法溝通

440
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:14,920
你要跟我從後門離開

441
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:21,680
就算是為了我,好嗎?

442
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:26,440
好啦,廢物

443
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,320
挺好笑的,你竟然怕一個中年婦女

444
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:35,760
這樣就好笑?
我還怕超大的廢棄密室咧

445
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:40,520
- 馴鹿
- 靠

446
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:42,480
靠

447
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:48,480
靠

448
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,720
(你肛才跟別人在依起媽?)

449
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:52,480
(頻果手機)

450
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:56,440
- 天啊
- 媽的

451
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,080
我在發抖耶

452
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,480
天啊,她好恐怖

453
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:01,920
她有看到我們嗎?

454
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,680
- 希望沒有
- 媽的

455
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,680
我們要喝一杯嗎?

456
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:16,280
我不知道

457
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,440
我真的沒打算跟你來這裡

458
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,600
拜託再給我一次機會

459
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,840
重點不是我給你機會,只是...

460
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:32,320
我不想被人看到跟三流諧星在一起

461
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:37,040
你可以坐我後面那桌
隔著肩膀跟我聊天

462
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:40,240
你最喜歡這招是吧?

463
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:48,440
天啊,剛才的表演好慘

464
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:52,600
對啊,本來反應還很不錯的

465
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,000
要不是被她打斷
我真的覺得你有機會

466
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,440
你真的很會講話耶

467
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,320
你那時怎麼沒走?

468
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,920
看你在台上這麼慘

469
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:13,040
我好想上台抱你一下

470
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:15,200
叫你找份正當工作

471
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:21,480
而且我...

472
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:26,080
看到你改了網站的個人資料,所以...

473
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,560
我不知道

474
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:32,800
我覺得你也許真的有改過吧

475
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:42,200
你能不能忘記我之前犯的錯?

476
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,760
不行,可能不行

477
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,680
從現在起
我們每次吵架都要提那檔事

478
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:59,600
基本上,我以後每次吵架都能贏

479
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,120
好,我應該能接受

480
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:04,800
這個賤人是誰?

481
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,440
你一定是瑪莎

482
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,200
久仰大名

483
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,520
- 久仰你媽的大名
- 好,冷靜點,瑪莎

484
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,320
這他媽的賤人是誰?

485
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,200
泰瑞莎,她叫泰瑞莎

486
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,920
唐尼,瑪莎應該想多了解我一點

487
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,760
我知道你的用意,可是現在不是時候

488
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:30,680
坐下,現在正是時候

489
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,600
- 不准碰他,賤貨
- 瑪莎

490
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,040
我對天發誓,你再碰他一下

491
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,080
我就撕破你的嘴,我保證

492
00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,480
瑪莎,說真的,我們到外面

493
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:41,840
唐尼,我本來想問你們有沒有相幹

494
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:44,880
可是我不相信你敢插這麼髒的東西

495
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,360
- 你說“髒”是什麼意思?
- 明知故問

496
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,800
大家都冷靜點好嗎?

497
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:51,360
不行,你先說

498
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,640
這個高顴骨的外國賤貨是誰

499
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,040
一副我不該來這裡的樣子

500
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,720
你他媽才沒資格來我的國家!

501
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,320
好了,瑪莎,冷靜點

502
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,520
- 還好吧?
- 沒事,我可以搞定

503
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:06,360
你都跟這種人交朋友?
毒蟲、強暴犯,這種貨色

504
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,280
說真的,如果讓我掌權

505
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,680
我就把難民船全部打沉

506
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,880
告訴你,我已經受夠了

507
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:19,760
唐尼,你就告訴她我們正在交往

508
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,880
叫她閃...邊...去

509
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:27,560
臭婊子

510
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,280
臭婊子!

511
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:33,600
你他媽臭屄!

512
00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:35,560
噁心的臭婊子!

513
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:37,400
- 瑪莎,別這樣!
- 操你媽的賤人!

514
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,280
- 幹你媽醜八怪臭屄!
- 瑪莎!

515
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:41,640
走開,瑪莎!

516
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:43,520
靴子!

517
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,080
住手,瑪莎,冷靜點!

518
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,720
- 小賤貨!靴子!
- 誰他媽幫幫忙!

519
00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:49,840
靴子!

520
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:53,160
靴子,賤貨!臭婊子!

521
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,240
你長得像男人!

522
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,040
幹你媽的滾出去,瑪莎!

523
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:02,480
他媽的靴子賤貨!

524
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,240
你他媽的神經病!

525
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:09,440
- 亂講!
- 閉嘴聽我講話!

526
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:14,480
就算有他媽的平行世界
我也不會要你,好嗎?

527
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,000
所以離我遠一點,聽到沒?

528
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,680
你他媽就算敢朝著我吸氣

529
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,400
我都會送你上西天

530
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:23,600
懂了沒有?

531
00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:26,560
你這臭屄聽懂了沒有?

532
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:27,680
我懂了

533
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,600
以後你他媽別讓我看到

534
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,160
麻煩你們滾開

535
00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:12,200
(理查蓋德同名戲劇改編)

536
00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:01,360
字幕翻譯:溫鳳祺