1 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,480 It always amazed me how Martha managed to surpass herself 2 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,840 with new and twisted ways of getting to me. 3 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,440 But involving my parents, 4 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,760 telling them I'd been injured in a car crash, that was next level. 5 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,840 I expected a lot when I walked up to the house that day. 6 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:32,000 A lot of panic. Crying, maybe. A hell of a lot of explaining. 7 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:33,840 What I didn't expect, though, 8 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,440 was finding my dad on the phone to her when I walked in. 9 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,480 I've told you, you bitch, you call me again, 10 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,720 I'll come to London and cut your legs off. 11 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,920 Yeah, you heard. Your legs. 12 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:44,440 You will, will ya? 13 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,600 That's gonna be pretty fucking hard to do with no legs, let me tell you. 14 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,040 How did she get his mobile? 15 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,400 The receptionist at work gave it to her. Said she was a client. 16 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,280 You know she spent yesterday phoning round his colleagues, 17 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,400 calling him a pedo, telling them he fiddled her when she was a child. 18 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:00,560 Christ. 19 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,400 Says the fucking mad bitch pretending to be a fucking lawyer! 20 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,360 HR pulled him up on it too. 21 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,440 - Jesus. How did he respond to that? You know what your dad's like. 22 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:12,000 He doubled down on it. Told them he had a load of kids in a van outside. 23 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,160 Of course he did. 24 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,880 You call me again, I'll make sure you breathe your last, 25 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,800 you fucking cow of a cunt! 26 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,400 Well, that's sorted. Great work, Dad. I shouldn't have bothered coming up. 27 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,360 Who is she, bear? 28 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,600 Uh, she's this woman. 29 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,800 She came into the pub, and she's been pestering me for some time. 30 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,000 Oh my God. Have you quit? 31 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,880 No, because that would mean she wins. 32 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,640 It's not about winning, Donny. It's about your safety. Quit! 33 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,680 We will sub you until you find a new job, won't we, Gerry? 34 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,720 I think the boy's right. It is about winning. 35 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,320 Oh, for goodness' sake. 36 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,640 Look, look, it's fine. Okay? 37 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,600 The police are aware of the situation, so give 'em a call, get 'em down here. 38 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,040 It'll be over soon, all right? I promise. 39 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,440 It's all right. I'll get it. 40 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:21,320 Is that you, reindeer? 41 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,600 Here's your cup of tea. 42 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,120 Thank you. 43 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:45,400 Hm, now, I, um... I understand this is a harassment case. 44 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,800 That's right. 45 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,440 And who is the person in question? 46 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,760 She's a fucking bitch, that's who. 47 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,520 Tell you what, Gerry, why don't you let us handle this? 48 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,400 Uh, we'll call you if we need you. 49 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,240 Uh, um... 50 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:13,440 Well, she's this woman, and she's been, like, stalking me for a while. 51 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,840 I have this harassment warning out against her, 52 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,480 so I assume now that she's contacted my parents, 53 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,400 she's broken it, right? 54 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,240 Technically, she's not harassing you. She's harassing your parents. 55 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:25,400 You're kidding me? 56 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,200 If you want a quick resolution, 57 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,200 your parents would be best off making a separate allegation up here. 58 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,440 But that's ridiculous. 59 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,720 I know it can feel convoluted, 60 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,560 but, um, you know, we will do our very best to deal with the situation 61 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,080 as, um, as effectively as possible. 62 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,480 Sorry, this pen's not working. 63 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,240 Oh, look. Sorry, there it is. 64 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,280 One of those twisty ones. 65 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:56,760 Shall we begin? 66 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,320 I spent a week in Scotland, waiting for the police to take action, 67 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,480 watching on as Martha kept calling. 68 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,280 Fucking come back for more, have you? 69 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,080 Aye, you would say that, you fucking imbecile. 70 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,680 Seeing the toll it was taking on my parents. 71 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,600 My dad's croaky voice from shouting. 72 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,880 Could you pour me some orange juice? 73 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,480 My mum forcing this sentiment onto everything I did. 74 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,600 You're a good boy. 75 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:22,160 So it wasn't long before I decided to take action myself. 76 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,440 I figured if the police were too slow to act, too slow to protect us, 77 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,040 then Martha might do something worse. 78 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,800 It was time to take matters into my own hands. 79 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,320 Martha. 80 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,320 Leave my family alone. 81 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:58,040 - I don't know what you're talking about. - Leave my fucking family alone. 82 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,200 If you don't, we will never be together. 83 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,440 Do you understand? 84 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,000 I thought, with the police, we weren't on the cards anyway. 85 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,920 Shut up. Be quiet for a second. 86 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,640 If you leave my family alone... 87 00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:20,640 I will hang your curtains tonight. 88 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:27,040 I wanna make sure I get it right though. All of it. 89 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,640 So put it in an email. 90 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,280 What you want to do to me. 91 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,440 How you want me to... hang them. 92 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,080 But I like it rough, okay? 93 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,360 So make sure it's as sick, twisted, 94 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,640 as depraved as you can write it, yeah? 95 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,240 Oh yeah, reindeer. 96 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,040 Okay. 97 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,440 Now, Mr. Dunn, 98 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,880 please note this interview is being recorded. 99 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,520 You are not under arrest, and you are free to leave at any point. 100 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,200 Okay. Um, thank you. 101 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,680 You're also entitled to independent legal advice, if you wish. 102 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,480 Uh, no, I d... I don't think that's necessary. 103 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,640 In that case, please know this interview is being held under caution. 104 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,080 Uh, wait. Sorry, what's going on? 105 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,000 Did you meet Martha Scott in the street yesterday? 106 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,600 Yeah, like, by chance. 107 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,120 Did you ask her to send you a sexually threatening email? 108 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:25,760 No. 109 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,560 I wanna make sure I get it right. 110 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,440 All of it. So put it in an email. 111 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:45,200 What you want to do to me. How you want me to... hang them. 112 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,080 Martha had taped everything. 113 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,280 I'll picnic with you. - [Martha] Oh my! 114 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,040 Everything. I'll hang your curtains. 115 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,080 The curtain references. I'm serious about you. 116 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,520 This one time I'd joked about checking her out. 117 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,600 Hey, I'm only human, Martha. Come on! 118 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,040 This other time we laughed about my penis size. 119 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,600 - I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Ten inches all round. 120 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,800 I remember that feeling, that caught red-handed, time-stood-still, 121 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,080 bomb-in-a-war-zone, hot-fucking-flush madness. 122 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,600 She's taped everything? 123 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,360 I can't speak for everything, 124 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,640 but she also showed us an email from you soliciting for anal sex. 125 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,200 No, that was my fucking friend on my account. 126 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,960 He's... he's an idiot. He... he did it for a laugh. 127 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:29,080 She's... she's harassing my parents. I just... I just needed it to stop. 128 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,320 I sympathize with your position, but you must allow us to do our job. 129 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,000 In a certain light, this could be seen as entrapment. 130 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,080 But Ms. Scott does not wish to take any action against you. 131 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,120 I'm sorry? 132 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,160 Ms. Scott does not wish to take any action against you. 133 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,160 Against me? 134 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,800 What the hell? She's... she's... she's stalking me. 135 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,480 I suggest you apologize 136 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,240 and let us go about doing our job again in the correct manner. 137 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,960 Apologize? To her? Are you kidding me? 138 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,120 I mean, how would I even apologize? 139 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,960 We can pass along your apologies 140 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,360 and then suggest to her, very strongly, that the two of you part ways. 141 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,160 The police do not want to hear from either of you again. 142 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,720 You're putting us on an even playing field? 143 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,640 Well? 144 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:25,920 Tell her I'm sorry. 145 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,360 It suddenly dawned on me 146 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,760 that Martha knew exactly what she was doing. 147 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,760 Exactly how to get to me and still evade the law. 148 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,880 It's because she's been here countless times before. 149 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,720 She was a repeat offender. A seasoned pro. 150 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,480 My stalker was a seasoned pro. 151 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,040 How could you be so stupid, Donny? Framing her? 152 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,560 - What the hell were you thinking? - I know. I know. 153 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,600 This woman attacked me, Donny. 154 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,720 Everywhere I go, I'm worried I might bump into her. 155 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,440 Now you're telling me I'm stuck with that for the rest of my life? 156 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,560 You don't need to tell me. I feel the same way. 157 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,320 What if she finds my Twitter, Donny, 158 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,640 and starts spewing crap like she did in the pub that day? 159 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,480 Maybe you could take your socials down for a bit. 160 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,400 Really? That's your suggestion? 161 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,840 Well, at the very least, get rid of all the rainbow unicorn stuff. 162 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,040 You know, protect yourself. 163 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,920 Are you serious? That's your recommendation? Hide myself. 164 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,960 If you're worried about her opinions, don't give her the bait. 165 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,040 - Bait? - Come on, Teri. I'm trying here. 166 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,360 What's wrong with having to lie low for a bit until this is all sorted? 167 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,560 Because of what it takes from me. 168 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:44,560 Do you understand what it's like to get to a place in my life 169 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,680 where I can even walk out the door? 170 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:51,120 And now I need to walk back in and bolt it shut, all because of you. 171 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,920 Because of me or because some fucking psycho is stalking me? 172 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,080 Because just there it sounded like you were blaming me for all this. 173 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,600 She's mentally ill, Donny, 174 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,200 and you indulged her. 175 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,840 Oh, please. Only you could make out 176 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,920 that having a violent stalker ruining my life 177 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,440 is somehow my fault. 178 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,320 You really wanna go there? 179 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,240 Yeah, I actually fucking do. 180 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,400 I think you love it. 181 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,240 I think it fits you perfectly having her in your life. 182 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,320 Seeing you as the thing you try so hard to be. 183 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,560 She's the embodiment of all your nasty repressions, 184 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,520 bottled up into one human being. 185 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,440 Jesus, Teri, come on. 186 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,960 You can't let her affect us like this. 187 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,880 It's not her affecting us. It's you. 188 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,400 I can't be in this anymore. 189 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,200 I can't have this endless disorder in my life. 190 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,640 Hold on, hold on. 191 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,920 Are you breaking up with me because of her? 192 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,200 No. Because of you. 193 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,960 I knew it was over with Teri. 194 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,760 She shut off her mind towards me the second she turned away. 195 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,600 Done. Gone. 196 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,120 ♪ Rainy day ♪ 197 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,760 ♪ Go far away... ♪ 198 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,160 And now at rock bottom, 199 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,200 the only positive I could glean from the whole situation 200 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,560 was that it couldn't get any worse from here. 201 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,080 Surely it couldn't get any worse from here. 202 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,880 ♪ Lonely nights ♪ 203 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,480 ♪ Eight thousand sights ♪ 204 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,160 Yes, mate. Hello. 205 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,760 - Can I get two pints of house, please? - Yeah, yeah. 206 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,800 No, you can't come in here. 207 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,600 - Can't stop me. You're barred. 208 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,360 Digsy, get Greggsy, will you? 209 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,360 - He's clocked off early. Why? 210 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,240 Air strike, mate. He's picking up. 211 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,640 For fuck's sake. Get Gino. 212 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,680 No can do. - Why? 213 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,480 - Oh my God. - I guess I'll sit here and wait, then. 214 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,440 No, you won't. I'll call the police. 215 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,520 Do it. See how far that gets you. 216 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,120 I heard they're washing their hands of the both of us. 217 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,200 - Excuse me, mate-- - In a minute, pal, all right? 218 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,160 Digsy, get her out of here. 219 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,200 - Come on, missy. - Don't you fucking touch me! 220 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,120 You have no right. No right whatsoever. 221 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,280 Now, I'm on my period, 222 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,440 and I've come in for a glass of water, which is my right to do. 223 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,960 You cannot deny a woman hydration when she's coming on. That is illegal. 224 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,080 Just fucking leave it, all right? 225 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,520 - What can I get you, madam? - Don't serve her, you prick. Ignore her. 226 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,600 Fuck me. Where did they find you? Jesus. 227 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,600 Go and stock the fridges or something. 228 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,800 I'm sorry... - Yeah. What was it? Two pints? 229 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,840 Yeah. - Okay. 230 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,400 I'd wipe that glass clean if I were you. 231 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,840 Fucking yeast fingers all over your pint. 232 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:26,040 You should see the woman he's with. His lady friend. Utter skank. 233 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:31,080 We call him Hunchy around here 'cause of his gutter taste in women. 234 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,880 He's like one of those hogs, 235 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,720 always sniffling around for truffles with a shitty nose. 236 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,640 Truffles! That's your new nickname. 237 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,640 - Tenner, please, mate. 238 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,120 - Ta. - He's a comedian, by the way. 239 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:49,840 Not a very good one. 240 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,840 - Not the kind of stuff you see on TV. Tell us a joke, mate. 241 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:56,080 No, he doesn't do jokes, this one. It's more props. 242 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,320 Googly eyes on kettles. Weird crap. 243 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,120 Very immature. 244 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,800 - You should Google it. What do I Google? 245 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,360 "Shite, two-bit comedian." "Shite--" 246 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,800 No, I... I'm joking. I'm joking. That's what it should be under. 247 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,280 Try "Donny Dunn comedy." 248 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,120 "Donny Dunn comedy." 249 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,280 Oh yeah. Here it is. 250 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,880 Do you like one-liners? Yeah. Check out Jimmy Carr. 251 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,400 - Jesus, mate. Is that meant to be funny? - I know. 252 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,600 Watch this one, right? This one here. Lead balloon. 253 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,120 I've got a daughter. She's two months old. 254 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,520 Called her Adolf after Adolf Hitler. 255 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,440 I'm joking! I'm joking! 256 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,720 She's three months old. 257 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:35,800 Oof! 258 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,800 Mate! I don't think you should be reading your jokes from your notepad, should you? 259 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,800 It's part of the act, apparently. It's "anti-comedy," it's called. 260 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,520 - Well, it's certainly that. - Yeah. That's so true. 261 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,720 I tell you what, mate. 262 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,000 Why don't you Google something else? 263 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:03,560 "Serial stalker torments barrister's deaf child." 264 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:05,640 What's that? 265 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:10,760 "Serial stalker torments 266 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,840 barrister's deaf child." 267 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:21,960 You've ruined it! 268 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:26,920 You fucking... 269 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,440 Oh fuck. 270 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:33,320 You've ruined it! You fucking ruined it! 271 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,840 Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! Your mouth! 272 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,440 Your fucking mouth! 273 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,920 I warned you it'd get you in trouble, didn't I? 274 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,440 I warned you! 275 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,240 Jesus! What the fuck was that about? 276 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,320 I gave her a cup of tea. 277 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,440 I gave her a cup of tea. 278 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:07,200 ♪ I want you more than I need you ♪ 279 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,440 ♪ I need you so bad ♪ 280 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,040 ♪ Are you coming back? ♪ 281 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,960 ♪ Are you coming back? ♪ 282 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,040 ♪ I'm waiting ♪ 283 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,760 ♪ I'm waiting ♪ 284 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,640 That's the thing, son. 285 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,120 If you call the police, the landlord is not gonna like that. 286 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,040 Not at all. 287 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,360 We're supposed to have a manager on at all times. 288 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,480 The fact we just left you there, it's not good, man. 289 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,400 Not good. 290 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,800 They find out we turn the cameras towards the walls 291 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,200 because of the lock-ins, 292 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,680 and that could be our jobs because that's negligence. 293 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,000 That's negligence, Donny. 294 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,240 Hey, look. How about we come to your gig later and buy you a drink? 295 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,440 A nice big drink. 296 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,600 We'll make sure 297 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:11,600 she doesn't come within a fucking mile of this place ever again. 298 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,240 Fine. 299 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,240 Fine. 300 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,640 ♪ I started a joke ♪ 301 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:50,120 ♪ Which started the whole world crying ♪ 302 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,040 ♪ But I didn't see... ♪ 303 00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:58,200 You okay, bro? 304 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,760 ♪ That the joke was on me ♪ 305 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,040 ♪ Oh no ♪ 306 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,160 - ♪ I started to cry ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ 307 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,800 ♪ Which started the whole world laughing ♪ 308 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,240 ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ 309 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:24,880 - ♪ Oh, if I'd only seen ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ 310 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:29,400 ♪ That the joke was on me ♪ 311 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:36,000 ♪ I looked at the skies ♪ 312 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:42,120 ♪ Running my hands over my eyes ♪ 313 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:48,000 ♪ And I fell out of bed ♪ 314 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:54,480 ♪ Hurting my head From things that I'd said ♪ 315 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,800 ♪ Till I finally died ♪ 316 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:07,800 - ♪ Which started the whole world living ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ 317 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:14,960 - ♪ Oh, if I'd only seen ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ 318 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:20,000 ♪ That the joke was on me ♪ 319 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:26,000 ♪ I looked at the skies ♪ 320 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,560 ♪ Running my hands... ♪ 321 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,400 - Hey, are you sure you're okay doing this? - Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine. 322 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,680 - Yeah? - Well, you're up next, dude. 323 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,360 ♪ I fell out of bed ♪ 324 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:45,080 ♪ Hurting my head From things that I'd said ♪ 325 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,520 ♪ Till I finally died ♪ 326 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:56,320 ♪ Which started the whole world living... ♪ 327 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:01,240 Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this section? 328 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,320 Keep that noise going for Donny Dunn! 329 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,640 Hey! All right! Thank you. Yes! All right. 330 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,440 All right, here we go. 331 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,800 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna get this out the way up top. 332 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,720 You can probably tell my face is a little bruised and battered, 333 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,280 so here's a piece of advice. 334 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,720 Never give the blow job 335 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,600 if you are the one driving. 336 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,600 All right, good, good. 337 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,320 Just a little reminder up top. 338 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,440 This set is brought to you by... 339 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,520 Poppa Condoms. Proper condoms. 340 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,000 Pop a proper condom on. 341 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,960 Thank you very much to them for sponsoring this routine. 342 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,200 Okay, let's do some jokes. 343 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,960 Whenever I go on holiday, uh, I never wanna wear sunglasses on the beach 344 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,240 in case people think I'm perving on them. 345 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,880 So to negate this worry, 346 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,520 I actually like to widen my eyes. 347 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,680 I think you'll agree, it makes me look less creepy. 348 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,400 All right. Okay. So... 349 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,280 ♪ Here's a little teapot Short and stout ♪ 350 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,680 ♪ Here is its handle ♪ 351 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,000 ♪ Here is its gout ♪ 352 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,240 No? 353 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,520 All right. Yeah. 354 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,040 Not for you, then, that one. Fine. 355 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,560 Poppa Condoms. 356 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:25,320 Proper condoms for policemen who like eating Burger King. 357 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,280 Pop a proper Whopper copper condom on. 358 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,080 Oh boy. 359 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,840 Oh, fucking hell. 360 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,280 Course you didn't see anything in it. Of course you didn't. 361 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,240 You only saw me. 362 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,240 I used to think, right... 363 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,560 Genuinely. Hear me out here, right? 364 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,960 I used to think 365 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,400 that what you're seeing here was, like, 366 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,600 breaking the mold. 367 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,760 You know, I'd watch these fucking other comics 368 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,080 rising above me, and I... I just... 369 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,280 I never understood why... why them and not me. 370 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,200 But then, bam! 371 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,080 Reality smacks me in the face. 372 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,200 I am so fucking naive. 373 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,960 I was so naive in thinking that this was something special 374 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:07,280 that when a writer sweeps you off your feet 375 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:11,680 and says, "Hey, you've got it, kid. Let's make you famous..." 376 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,920 you believe every word he's gonna say to you. 377 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,240 'Cause it's the words you've wanted to hear your entire life. 378 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:25,280 "I believe in you... as much as you believe in yourself." 379 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,480 And you'll do just about anything in the world he asks of you 380 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:36,800 because... because fame encompasses judgment, right? 381 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:41,040 And I... I feared judgment my entire life. 382 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,320 That's why I wanted fame, because when you're famous, 383 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,960 people see you as that, famous. 384 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:51,200 They're not thinking all the other things that I'm scared they're thinking. 385 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:55,040 Like, "That guy's a loser or a drip or a fucking faggot." 386 00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,480 They think, "It's the guy from that thing." 387 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:02,800 "It's the funny guy." 388 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,600 And I wanted so badly to be the funny guy. 389 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,400 Fuck your red light. I'm finishing. 390 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:19,920 So when this writer says 391 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,120 he only works with wild ones, and to... to face my own fears, well, 392 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,160 it's not long before I'm round his house, taking boatloads of drugs every weekend. 393 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,680 And isn't getting groomed magical? 394 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,600 Before you realize you're actually getting groomed. 395 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,800 Until you're passing out from GHB on his living-room couch, 396 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,520 while he tears at your trousers with his disgusting hands. 397 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,200 And you know it's wrong, deep down, what he's making you do. 398 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,240 But you just keep going back. 399 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,560 And you start to think, 400 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,600 "Is my self-respect so fucking low, 401 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,680 is my lust for success so fucking high, 402 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,120 that I will repeatedly go back to this man's house 403 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:05,960 and let him abuse me 404 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,400 for a little peep at fame?" 405 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,960 "Oh, you're a victim. You mustn't blame yourself." 406 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,440 Good sentiment, but let's be honest, 407 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,920 the fourth or fifth time you've passed out and woken up with your dick in his mouth, 408 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,800 you should probably think about not going back. 409 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,600 But, no, I just had to keep going. 410 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,560 I just had to get fucking raped. 411 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,880 Anything funny to say, boys? 412 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,920 My confidence is so low, right... 413 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,320 You'll... you'll enjoy this. 414 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,200 ...that I let this fucking mad bitch into my life. 415 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,560 I work in a bar, and I gave her this cup of tea on the house. 416 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,120 She... she was crying, and I wanted to cheer her up. 417 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:04,560 But she... she kept coming back in time and time again, 418 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,840 and I... I knew she was growing attached, 419 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:12,560 but I still went along with it to satisfy my own stupid need for attention. 420 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,640 Hence the face. She... she did this to me. 421 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:19,880 You see... 422 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,400 that's what abuse does to you, you know? 423 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:25,400 It made me this... 424 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,400 sticking plaster for all of life's weirdos. This... 425 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,640 This open wound for them to sniff at. 426 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,920 I knew she was mad, and I knew she was dangerous, 427 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,600 but she flattered me, and that was enough. 428 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,600 And now... I really don't know where it's gonna end. 429 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,560 I really think one of us is gonna have to die now, and I'm not a killer. 430 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,920 Yeah, go on, walk out. There'll be puns in the next section. 431 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,920 There's a guy dressed as a train conductor. 432 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,560 I'm sure that's gonna be funny. 433 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:16,240 I met this trans woman. 434 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:20,440 You should see her. 435 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,920 She's the most beautiful person you've ever met, and 436 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:27,400 I just couldn't... 437 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,040 I just couldn't... 438 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,160 ...love her. 439 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:36,400 And I see it now. 440 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,280 I see what it was that I lost in her. 441 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,040 Moreover, I see why I messed it up in the way that I did. 442 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:46,960 And it's because of this, right? 443 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,560 It's because I loved one thing in this world more than I did her, right? 444 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:54,480 One thing. 445 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,320 And do you know what that one thing was? 446 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:02,320 Hating myself. 447 00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:18,560 I love it. 448 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,920 I'm addicted to it. 449 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,320 I don't know anything else. 450 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,760 Because God forbid ever taking a chance at life. 451 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:28,640 God forbid ever taking a chance at happiness. 452 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:36,720 And that's why I messed it up with her. 453 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:41,040 Because I hated myself so much more than I loved her. 454 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:46,120 And I loved her so very much. 455 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:54,320 I've spent my whole life 456 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:56,760 running away. 457 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:00,040 And this... 458 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:05,120 This competition, this was just another hundred meters 459 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,640 in a marathon I was never gonna finish alive. 460 00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:12,640 So I'm gonna stop running now. 461 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,200 Because I just don't have the legs for it anymore. I just don't. 462 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:28,640 Yeah. 463 00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:33,840 Don't know how I started coming out with all this, to be honest. 464 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,320 Really not sure how to finish. 465 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:45,160 Oh, actually... 466 00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,720 Poppa condoms, proper condoms 467 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:50,600 for policemen working in helicopters 468 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:53,680 who enjoy eating Indian food and Burger King. 469 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:57,800 Pop a proper Whopper chopper copper popadam condom on. 470 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,880 Are there any questions? 471 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:26,080 Well, then, 472 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:29,800 I look forward to winning this competition. 473 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:56,280 ♪ Golden boats float down a ♪ 474 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,120 ♪ River of sighs ♪ 475 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:08,240 ♪ Rain on the street is falling ♪ 476 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,120 ♪ Tears in my eyes ♪ 477 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,520 ♪ Wings of an angel open ♪ 478 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,120 ♪ In the dark sky ♪ 479 00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:29,880 ♪ Rain on my face is falling ♪