1
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,480
瑪莎老是能以變態新手法整我

2
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,040
真讓我甘拜下風

3
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:21,440
可是扯到我父母

4
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,760
跟他們說我車禍受傷
又是另一個等級了

5
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,840
我那天回家時本來以為會很慘

6
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,360
父母驚慌失措、也許哭哭啼啼

7
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,960
我還得拚命解釋

8
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:33,840
但是沒想到

9
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,440
我進家門時,老爸在跟她講話

10
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,720
我說過了,你這臭婊子再打
我就到倫敦砍斷你的兩條腿

11
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,960
對,沒錯,你的兩條腿

12
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:44,440
你要啊?

13
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,000
我他媽跟你說
腿沒了要那樣也很難吧?

14
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,960
她怎麼知道爸的手機?

15
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,400
公司櫃臺給的,她說是客戶

16
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,280
她昨天拚命打給他同事

17
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,400
說你爸是戀童癖,從小就猥褻她

18
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:00,560
天啊

19
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,400
雞巴瘋婆子還假裝什麼臭屄律師!

20
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,320
人事部還罵了他一頓

21
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:08,440
- 天啊,他怎麼回?
- 你也知道你爸的脾氣

22
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:12,000
他故意加碼,說外面車上有一堆小孩

23
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,160
想也知道

24
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,880
你再打給我,我絕對給你死

25
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,920
雞巴毛母豬臭屄!

26
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,400
搞定,辛苦了,爸,我不該來的

27
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,680
大熊,她是誰?

28
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:37,800
這個女人常跑酒吧,騷擾我一陣子了

29
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,000
天啊,你辭職沒有?

30
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,840
沒有,我辭職她就贏了

31
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:46,720
這跟輸贏沒關係,唐尼
重點是生命安全,辭掉啦

32
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,680
我們會在你找到工作前
暫時養你,對吧,傑瑞?

33
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,720
這小子說得對,跟輸贏有關係

34
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,320
幫幫忙

35
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,640
沒關係,好嗎?

36
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,760
警察知道狀況了
所以打給警察,要他們過來

37
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,080
馬上就搞定,好嗎?我保證

38
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:11,440
沒關係,我來接

39
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:21,320
馴鹿,是你嗎?

40
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,240
《馴鹿寶貝》

41
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,760
這是你的茶

42
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,200
謝謝

43
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,400
我知道這是一件騷擾案

44
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,800
對

45
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,440
騷擾的人是誰?

46
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,360
是他媽的臭婊子

47
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,520
傑瑞,你讓我們處理好嗎?

48
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,720
我們需要時再叫你

49
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:13,440
這個女人跟蹤騷擾我一陣子

50
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,840
我提過正式的騷擾警告

51
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,480
她可能因此才找上我爸媽

52
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,360
這樣有違反警告令吧?

53
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,240
嚴格說來,她不是騷擾你
而是騷擾你的父母

54
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:25,400
你在說笑嗎?

55
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,200
如果你要速戰速決

56
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,200
最好由你父母在這裡另外提告

57
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,440
這太扯了

58
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,720
我知道感覺很像在繞圈圈

59
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,560
可是我們會盡全力把這個事情

60
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,080
處理得儘量妥當

61
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,520
抱歉,這枝筆不能寫

62
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,240
抱歉,原來是這樣用

63
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,280
還要轉一下

64
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:56,760
能開始了嗎?

65
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,320
我在蘇格蘭待一個禮拜,等警察行動

66
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,480
看著瑪莎繼續來電

67
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,280
幹你媽的打來討罵?

68
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,080
你就說啊,幹你媽智障

69
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,680
目睹這件事對我爸媽的影響

70
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,600
我爸吼到喉嚨沙啞

71
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,880
可以幫我倒柳橙汁嗎?

72
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,480
我不管做什麼,老媽都要安慰

73
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,600
你很乖

74
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:22,160
所以過沒多久,我決定自己動手

75
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,440
如果警察動作太慢,保護不了我們

76
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,280
瑪莎就可能變本加厲

77
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,800
我現在該自力救濟了

78
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,400
瑪莎

79
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,360
放過我的家人

80
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:58,040
- 我不知道你在講什麼
- 你他媽放過我的家人

81
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,440
不然我們就不可能在一起,懂嗎?

82
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,000
我以為有警察後,我們就不可能了

83
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,080
閉嘴,先聽我講一下

84
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,640
只要你放過我家人...

85
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:20,640
我今晚就搞定你的房事

86
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:27,040
我要保證這次能順利,做全套

87
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,640
所以寫在電子郵件裡

88
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,320
你想把我怎麼樣

89
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,440
你要我怎麼搞定房事

90
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,080
可是我要粗暴點,好嗎?

91
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,360
所以要寫得很病態、不正常

92
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,640
邪惡,盡量發揮,好嗎?

93
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,240
好,馴鹿

94
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,200
好

95
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,480
(下流雞疤,我粗爆給你看
我會罵你、拿間銳東西戳泥)

96
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,560
(用鍊條讓你跑不調,處罰調皮鬼)

97
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,880
(蘋果手機)

98
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,800
(下流雞疤,我粗爆給你看)

99
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,920
(瓊安寇佛@大倫敦警局.co.gb)

100
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,640
鄧恩先生

101
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,880
這次約談會錄影

102
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,520
你沒有遭到羈押,隨時可離開

103
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,200
好,謝謝

104
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,680
必要時也能聘請法律諮詢人員

105
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,480
不用,我想沒這必要

106
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,640
那麼我們在約談前已經告知你權益了

107
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,120
抱歉,這是怎麼回事?

108
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,000
你昨天有在路上見到瑪莎史考特嗎?

109
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,600
有,碰巧

110
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,720
你有請她寄威脅性侵的郵件嗎?

111
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,760
沒有

112
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,560
我要保證這次能順利

113
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,440
做全套,所以寫在電子郵件裡

114
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:45,720
你想把我怎麼樣
你要我怎麼搞定房事

115
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:46,920
瑪莎全都錄下來了

116
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,760
- 我跟你去野餐
- 天啊

117
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,960
- 我們做過的每件事
- 我會搞定你的房事

118
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,000
從一開始提到的房事

119
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,080
我對你很認真

120
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,520
我只有一次開玩笑說偷瞄她

121
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,600
瑪莎,我只是普通男人,拜託

122
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,040
還有一次笑談我的陰莖大小

123
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,600
- 我聽到時真不敢相信
- 周長就有25公分

124
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,800
我記得那種感覺
人贓俱獲、時間靜止

125
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,640
戰場炸彈爆炸
面紅耳赤,媽的把我搞瘋了

126
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,600
她全都錄下來了?

127
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,360
不知道有沒有全部

128
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,640
但她有給我看你懇求口交的電子郵件

129
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,200
那是雞巴損友冒用我的帳號

130
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,960
他是白痴,只是為了搞笑

131
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:29,080
她騷擾我爸媽,我只想趕快結束

132
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,320
我很同情你,可是你必須讓警方做事

133
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,480
這種做法有可能構成誘捕行為

134
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,320
可是史考特小姐不想對你提告

135
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,040
什麼?

136
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,160
史考特小姐不想對你提告

137
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,480
對我?

138
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,760
什麼鬼?是她跟蹤騷擾我耶

139
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,480
我建議你道歉

140
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,240
讓警方循正常程序辦案

141
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,960
道歉?對她?你沒開我玩笑?

142
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:05,120
那...要怎麼道歉?

143
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,960
我們可以傳達你的歉意

144
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,360
然後向她強烈建議從此分道揚鑣

145
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,160
警方也不想再看到你們

146
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,720
你讓我們變成同一種人了

147
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,640
怎麼樣?

148
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,120
跟她說我道歉

149
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,880
(警察鋼剛來了,哈哈)

150
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:33,000
(那個白痴說它不想館
叫我們離隊方遠一點)

151
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,480
(哈鉿,想得美!)

152
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,960
(對了,我全都路下來了)

153
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,920
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

154
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,360
我突然想到

155
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,760
瑪莎的每一步都有權謀

156
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,760
該怎麼整我又避免觸法

157
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,880
因為她已經有無數次經驗

158
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,720
她是個累犯,經驗豐富又專業

159
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,480
跟騷我的人經驗豐富又專業

160
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,120
唐尼,你怎麼這麼笨?陷害她?

161
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,560
- 你在想什麼?
- 我知道啦

162
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,200
這女人打我耶,唐尼

163
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:06,720
我現在去哪裡都怕遇到她

164
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,440
你是說我永遠都擺脫不了她了?

165
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,560
你用不著跟我講,我也很煩

166
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,320
要是她找到我的推特

167
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,640
跟在酒吧一樣隨便罵人呢?

168
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,480
你可以暫時別用社交帳號

169
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,400
拜託,這就是你的建議?

170
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,840
至少拿掉同志跨性別的彩虹符號

171
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,040
保護自己

172
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,920
你真的要建議這樣?把自己隱藏起來

173
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,680
你擔心她亂罵人就別引誘她啊

174
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:33,600
引誘?

175
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,040
拜託,泰瑞,我在努力想了

176
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,360
在事情結束前低調點有錯嗎?

177
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,560
因為會犧牲到我

178
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:46,680
你能了解我這輩子
總算能走出房門的感覺嗎?

179
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:51,080
現在因為你,我又得走回家把門鎖上

180
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,920
因為我,還是因為有神經病跟蹤我?

181
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,080
因為你剛才好像全都怪到我身上

182
00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,600
唐尼,她有精神疾病

183
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,200
你還縱容她

184
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,920
拜託,只有你能把暴力跟騷犯毀了我

185
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,440
說成是我的錯

186
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,320
你真的想辯?

187
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,320
對,我他媽超想的

188
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,000
我覺得你很享受

189
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,240
我覺得她正好符合你的人生渴望

190
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,320
她眼中的你,符合你拚命打造的形象

191
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,560
她是你淫穢壓抑心態的化身

192
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,680
只不過她是一個人

193
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,520
天啊,泰瑞,拜託

194
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,960
你不能讓她這樣影響我們

195
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,920
不是她影響我們,是你

196
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,520
我沒辦法繼續下去了

197
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,640
我的人生不能一直亂下去

198
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:44,840
等一下

199
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,080
你要因為她而跟我分手?

200
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,360
不對,是因為你

201
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,960
我知道我跟泰瑞分了

202
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,320
她一轉頭就馬上跟我一刀兩斷

203
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,600
沒了,消失了

204
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,160
我已經陷入谷底

205
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,800
整件事唯一帶給我的收穫

206
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,640
就是不可能更慘

207
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,240
絕對不可能比現在更慘了

208
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,880
(以後遲早只剩我根你,馴路)

209
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,480
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

210
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,080
- 你好
- 你好

211
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,960
- 給我來兩大杯招牌啤酒
- 好

212
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,800
不行,你不能進來

213
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,600
- 你不能擋我
- 我可以,你是黑名單

214
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,360
迪格西,叫格雷西來

215
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,360
- 他提早下班了
- 為什麼?

216
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,240
“空襲”,他去拿“藥”

217
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,600
幹,去叫吉諾

218
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,680
- 沒辦法
- 為什麼?

219
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,480
- 天啊
- 那我就坐這裡等了

220
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,440
不可以,我會報警

221
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,520
報啊,看有什麼用

222
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,120
他們已經說不想理我們了

223
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,240
- 不好意思...
- 等一下好嗎?

224
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,160
迪格西,把她趕出去

225
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,200
- 小姐,走吧
- 你他媽碰我試試看!

226
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,120
你沒那個權利

227
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,280
我月經來了

228
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,440
進來喝杯水,這是我的權利

229
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,800
女人月經來時不能拒絕給水喝

230
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:34,920
不然犯法

231
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,200
你他媽別管好嗎?

232
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,520
- 小姐要點什麼?
- 別為她服務,別理她

233
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,600
幹,他們怎麼找到你的?拜託

234
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,680
去補冰箱的貨啦

235
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,800
- 對不起...
- 你點什麼?兩大杯啤酒?

236
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,840
- 對
- 好

237
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,400
建議你把杯子擦乾淨

238
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,920
他拿杯子的手可能沒洗過

239
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:26,160
你應該見見他的女朋友,臭婊子一個

240
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:31,440
這裡的人叫他侏儒
因為他喜歡的女人都很“豬”

241
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,880
他跟豬一樣

242
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,000
老是用沾滿大便的鼻子聞松露

243
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,640
“松露”,這是你的新綽號

244
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:41,800
麻煩10英鎊

245
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,120
- 謝謝
- 對了,他是諧星

246
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:49,840
三流的

247
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,840
- 不是電視上看到那種
- 跟我講個笑話吧

248
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:56,080
這傢伙不講笑話,都用道具

249
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,320
在水壺上貼眼睛,有夠怪

250
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,120
超幼稚

251
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,800
- 你應該上網查
- 關鍵字是什麼?

252
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,360
-“超爛三流諧星”
-“超爛...”

253
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,800
我開玩笑的啦,不過我講的比較適合

254
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,640
你輸入“唐尼鄧恩喜劇”看看

255
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,120
“唐尼鄧恩喜劇”

256
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,280
找到了

257
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,760
喜歡地獄哽嗎?去地下街看看吧

258
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,400
- 天啊,這個好笑嗎?
- 就是說啊

259
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,600
看這個,這個笑話超爛的

260
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,120
我有個女兒,兩個月大

261
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:32,440
我叫她希特勒,開玩笑的啦!

262
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,920
其實她三個月大

263
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,800
你講笑話還拿筆記本照念不好吧?

264
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,760
那應該是表演的一部分,叫“喜憨劇”

265
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,520
- 沒錯
- 對啊,一點都沒錯

266
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,720
這樣吧,兄弟

267
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,000
你要不要搜尋別的?

268
00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:03,560
“連續跟騷犯折磨律師的聽障小孩”

269
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:05,640
什麼?

270
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:10,760
“連續跟騷犯折磨

271
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,840
律師的聽障小孩”

272
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:21,960
被你毀了!

273
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:26,920
你他媽...

274
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:29,440
幹

275
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:33,320
被你毀了!他媽的全都被你毀了!

276
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,840
- 喂!夠了!
- 你這張嘴!

277
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,440
你他媽這張嘴!

278
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,880
我不是說過你會禍從口出?

279
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,440
我警告過你!

280
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,240
媽的,剛才是怎樣?

281
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,640
我給了她一杯茶

282
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,600
我給了她一杯茶

283
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,160
(我寫完這封信就跟你依刀兩斷)

284
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,640
(你讓我氣倒無髮理解的地部)

285
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,480
(你長ㄉ醜,意圖愚蠢,工作幼志)

286
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,240
(沒加叫,因為爸媽和學校很濫)

287
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,880
(我很好心了!我狠少跟人翻臉)

288
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,000
(可是你真ㄉ讓我堂目結舌)

289
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,080
(還是瞠目結舌,我不管拉)

290
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,520
(你怎麼不班回蘇格蘭?)

291
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:25,160
(那邊超多你這種天主教圖
和你家人那種練童癖犯人)

292
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,360
(幹嘛來?我們在倫諄很爽,別來)

293
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:30,520
(我朋友很多,都對你狠不爽)

294
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:34,440
(從我的蘋手機傳送)

295
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,640
(對了,我愛你到湧遠)

296
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,840
(從我的蘋果手機傳送)

297
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,160
問題是如果你報警,房東會很不爽

298
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,080
超不爽

299
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,160
店長要隨時跟店員在一起

300
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,480
我們丟下你的事情曝光就慘了

301
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,400
超慘的

302
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,200
警察會發現監視器拍牆壁
我們在合法時間外營業

303
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,680
我們可能失業,因為算過失行為

304
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,000
算過失行為

305
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,240
這樣吧,我們等一下
看你的表演,請你喝酒

306
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,440
好好喝一杯

307
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:11,600
我們以後絕對不會
再讓那個臭雞掰靠近這裡

308
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,400
好吧

309
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,400
好吧

310
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:58,200
你還好吧?

311
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,000
你真的可以表演嗎?

312
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,400
對,我沒事

313
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,560
真的?

314
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,040
等一下就換你了

315
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:01,360
各位先生女士
準備迎接本單元最後一場表演了嗎?

316
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,320
讓我們熱烈歡迎唐尼鄧恩!

317
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,640
好耶,謝謝,好

318
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,440
開始了

319
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,800
各位先生女士,我先把這東西拿開

320
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,720
你們也許能看出我的臉有點受創

321
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,280
給你們良心建議

322
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,720
如果你在開車

323
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,000
千萬別幫人吹蕭

324
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,600
好,不錯

325
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,320
一開始先提醒一下

326
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,440
本節目贊助廠商是...

327
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,520
把拔保險套,超屌保險套

328
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,000
掏出超屌保險套

329
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,960
謝謝他們贊助這場表演

330
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,200
好,我們來講點笑話

331
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,960
我每次休假時,都不會在海灘戴墨鏡

332
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,240
免得人家以為我在偷看

333
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,880
為了消除疑慮

334
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,520
我其實還得“睜大”眼睛

335
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,680
你們應該都覺得我這樣比較不變態

336
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,400
好,那麼...

337
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,280
這裡有個小茶壺,矮矮又胖胖

338
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,680
這是把手

339
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,320
這是痛風

340
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:11,640
難笑?

341
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,520
好吧,對

342
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,040
你們覺得不好笑,好吧

343
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,560
把拔保險套

344
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:25,320
這種保險套最適合愛吃漢堡王的警察

345
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,280
掏出超屌的華堡銅包保險套

346
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,280
天啊

347
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,520
我幹,真是...

348
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,160
你當然看不出名堂,廢話

349
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,600
你只看到我

350
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,320
我以前覺得...

351
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,800
真的,聽我講,好嗎?

352
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,320
我以前覺得

353
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,600
你在這裡看到的喜劇內容...

354
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,600
打破成規

355
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,760
我他媽的看過其他諧星

356
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,080
比我紅,我真的...

357
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,280
我無法理解為什麼他們紅,我不行

358
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,360
結果,砰!

359
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,240
現實打了我一巴掌

360
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,480
我他媽太天真了

361
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:02,000
我天真到以為這次很特別

362
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:07,280
如果有個作家讓你佩服得五體投地

363
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:11,800
然後說:“你有天分
小子,我們來捧紅你吧”

364
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,920
那麼他講什麼你都會信

365
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,240
因為你等這句話等了一輩子,對吧?

366
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:22,320
“我相信你...

367
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,440
就像你相信你自己”

368
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,480
所以不管他要你幹嘛,你都會聽

369
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:36,800
因為名聲能蓋住批評,對吧?

370
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:41,040
而且我這輩子最怕被人批評

371
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,480
所以我才要名聲,因為人出名後

372
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,120
大家就把你當成名人

373
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:51,200
他們不會想那些我怕他們想到的事

374
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:55,040
例如:“那傢伙是廢物
很無聊或者是他媽的屁精”

375
00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,480
他們會想:“他是幹那行的

376
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,120
他是諧星”

377
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,720
我超想當諧星的

378
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,400
操你媽紅燈,快結束了

379
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,080
所以這個作家說

380
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:25,120
他只跟夠狂的人合作
要我面對個人恐懼時

381
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,160
我馬上就跑去他家,每個週末狂嗑藥

382
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,840
被人誘姦很神奇吧?

383
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,600
你都還沒發現就已經被誘姦了

384
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,800
你在他家沙發上嗑搖頭丸昏倒

385
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,520
他用噁心的雙手扯下你褲子

386
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,200
你下意識覺得他逼你做的事情不好

387
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,240
但你還是一直回去

388
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,800
然後開始想

389
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,840
“我他媽的自尊心有這麼低

390
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,800
我他媽想成功的渴望有這麼高

391
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,120
竟然會讓我一直回到這個男人的家

392
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:05,960
讓他性侵我

393
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,520
只為了淺嘗成名的感覺?”

394
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,960
“你是受害人,不能怪自己”

395
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,440
有道理,但老實說

396
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:18,000
當你昏迷第五次
醒來發現他含著你老二時

397
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,800
就應該別再回去了

398
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,600
但我就是得去

399
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,920
我就是得被人強姦操到爆

400
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,880
兄弟,還想說笑嗎?

401
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,920
我的自信心已經低到...

402
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,280
你們聽了一定樂死

403
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,480
...我讓這個瘋婆子介入我的生活

404
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,560
我在酒吧工作,請她喝了一杯茶

405
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,080
她當時在哭,我想安慰她

406
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:04,560
可是她一直回來光顧,一次又一次

407
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,960
我知道她開始喜歡我

408
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:12,520
但我還是陪她演下去
滿足我受人矚目的愚蠢需求

409
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,800
所以我才破相,這是她打的

410
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:20,080
其實

411
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,000
性侵會讓你變成這樣

412
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:25,640
讓我成了...

413
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:31,440
吸引一堆怪人的OK繃

414
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,640
他們聞得到這個開放性傷口

415
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,920
我知道她瘋了,很危險

416
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,600
但是她巴結我,這就夠了

417
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,760
現在...我真的不知道會怎麼收場

418
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,640
我們其中一人非死不可
但是我又不會殺人

419
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,920
對,走出去,下個單元有雙關語表演

420
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,400
後台有人穿得像火車車長,保證好笑

421
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,280
我認識一個跨性別女人

422
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:20,680
你們應該看看她

423
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,920
她是全世界最漂亮的人

424
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:27,880
但我就是沒辦法...

425
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,400
我就是沒辦法

426
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:32,240
愛她

427
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:36,480
現在我知道了

428
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,480
我知道為什麼失去她了

429
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,040
而且我知道當初為什麼犯那種錯

430
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,080
就是因為這樣吧?

431
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,560
因為在這世上除了愛她以外
我還更愛一樣東西,對吧?

432
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:54,720
一樣東西

433
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,200
你們知道是哪樣嗎?

434
00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:02,520
就是痛恨自己

435
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:18,800
我超愛的

436
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,200
簡直上了癮

437
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,320
其他事我都不懂

438
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,920
因為人生千萬不能冒險

439
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,000
千萬不能冒險追求幸福

440
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:35,920
所以我才毀了跟她之間的關係

441
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:41,200
因為我恨自己的程度
遠遠超過愛她的程度

442
00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:46,400
但是我又好愛她

443
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,800
我這輩子都在...逃避

444
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:00,120
但是這

445
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:05,240
這只是一場馬拉松比賽裡,我絕對...

446
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,960
沒辦法活著跑完的百米

447
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:12,960
所以現在我不跑了

448
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,240
因為我跑不動了,真的不行

449
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:29,080
對啊

450
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:33,720
說真的,我不曉得怎麼會講這些

451
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,320
也不知道怎麼收尾

452
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:45,200
對哦...

453
00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:50,520
把拔保險套,超屌保險套
最適合在直升機上工作

454
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,680
又愛吃印度菜和漢堡王的警察

455
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:58,040
掏出最棒的華堡直升機
印度薄餅保險套

456
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,880
有人要提問題嗎?

457
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:26,240
那麼

458
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,920
希望我能在這場比賽奪冠

459
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:56,360
(理查蓋德同名戲劇改編)

460
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,480
字幕翻譯:溫鳳祺