I can't believe it's our ten-year reunion.
And can I just say...
we turned out hot.
All right, which is better?
Like this?
FREDDY: Hmm.
Or... like this?
I mean, definitely number two.
You are gonna look so good in the class photo, but...
can I just ask lovingly, and with my full support,
why are you wearing a mortarboard?
Oh, I graduated remotely
because I was in Italy for most of senior year.
So I missed the class photo
where everybody got to wear this cool hat.
I also missed prom, the senior prank,
and "Cups" by Anna Kendrick.
That was a big moment.
But being in the class photo
is the one thing I can make up for tonight.
Are you ready to rock Ridgeway for one last ride?
Oh, vroom vroom.
* *
(deep inhale, sigh)
The smell of feet sweat, off-brand sports drink,
and pretending to have your period to get out of gym.
I'm so excited to reconnect with everyone.
You know, after you and Sam took off,
I was a bit of a social butterfly.
It's no big deal, though.
It's not like I was the coolest, most popular guy in school.
Aw. No one was saying that, sweetie.
Oh, snap, it's the coolest, most popular guy in school.
You'd better stop it.
Rip-off Rodney says you're cool, huh?
How much did you pay him to say that?
Nothing. First compliment's free.
But the next one's gonna cost you.
I'm sorry, did you even go here?
What? Rodney, it's me, Carly.
You sold me that cell phone that was actually an old beeper
and then that beeper that was actually an old calculator.
I went here from grades K through 11.
That explains it.
Anything before senior year is irrelevant.
* I know *
* You see *
* Somehow the world will change for me *
* And be so wonderful *
* So wake up the members of my nation *
* It's your time to be *
* There's no chance unless you take one *
* And the time to see the brighter side *
* Of every situation *
* Some things are meant to be *
* So give your best and leave the rest to me. *
Okay, even if everything before senior year is irrelevant,
tonight's what matters, right?
-Oh! God, why? -Oh, my God!
It's me, Magic Malika!
Freddie "The Kingpin" Benson?
Kingpin?
Did you, like, break into the bowling alley or something?
Yeah. We did.
Jiminy Christmas. That's cool.
Get this: we bowled in our street shoes.
-Uh. Uh. -Uh. Uh.
-Sneaker sisters. -Sneaker sisters.
(laughter)
Remember junior year when I was still here
and we took the SATs?
Wow, the SATs are considered culturally offensive.
Maybe we should go take the class photo
before that gets canceled, too.
They're taking a class photo?
I should go make these blackheads... disappear.
(laughing)
Chugga chugga choo choo! This is how we do, do!
Barry! Toby! My training bros!
TOGETHER: Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga...
Oh, right. Your model train club.
-Yeah. -Hi.
Oh, hey, Carly.
Freddie. What's up, F-Train?
F-Train? Another nickname I've never heard.
Remember when we rode the rails like westward vagabonds?
Ah, I can't believe we drank out of paper bags.
We were so cool. No one could see our O'Doul's.
Guys. Should we put our drinks in brown paper bags right now
and go chug 'em in the janitor's closet like dirtbags?
We can even leave Janitor Mike a funny note.
He, um... died senior year.
In that closet.
R.I.P. Big Mike.
Hey, there's my favorite volunteer.
Hey, Dad.
The caterers just quit.
Something about a salmonella outbreak.
Chicken skewer?
TOBY: "Dad"?
Is this Little F-Train?
No, this is Millicent.
If you guys are just handing out nicknames,
maybe I could get one?
May I suggest Mortarboard Mama?
Uh, CarlyWuzHere?
-CamGirl69? -Uh...
It's my favorite number because it looks like a yin-yang.
* *
Help yourself to snacks. Here are your drink tickets.
Your kids are in good hands, unless someone gets hurt.
I don't do well with blood.
Nope, I don't want to be on the news.
SPENCER: Wait! Harper! Harper!
I want you to meet my kids!
Please tell me this isn't a Nick Cannon situation.
Of course not.
I don't know any of their mothers.
These are my Spoppers and Spopettes.
See, I've been donating my seed...
Ugh.
-Sorry, my sperm. -(gags)
Apologies. My DNA?
I'll accept.
To a cryobank. See, I needed money
after I dropped out of law school
to help pay for art supplies.
So I figured, hey, I'll be a hero.
But at some point, it stopped being a job and started being
a hobby?
These are your literal children?
For tax purposes, no.
For organ donation purposes, maybe.
Does Carly know?
I don't know, ask Carly.
How can you even be sure these are really your kids?
(laughing)
Okay, I see the resemblance now.
(ringing)
Gather ye round, Spoppers and Spopettes!
Now, I know you think you're just here to meet your Spiblings
and your Spoppa.
But as you know by now, I am a fine artiste.
And, as my progeny, you are my muses.
Or should I say, my Spmuses.
And as great artists have said since the dawn of time:
who wants pizza?
(cheering)
Ooh, I smell sausage. Out of the way, Splosers!
Hello. What's your name?
Potter.
Hi, Potter. Do you not like pizza?
I do, but I brought my own lunch.
It's pretty much the only thing I eat.
Aah! Spaghetti tacos?
I know a parent is never supposed to choose favorites.
But I am gonna learn your last name.
* *
Hi.
There's got to be someone here that wants to see me.
Not him.
Carly Shay.
Shane. Wow, I haven't seen you since you fell down...
someone's elevator shaft.
Yeah. You know, lying at the bottom
of that cold, dark shaft and spending months
in a body cast... helped me realize my purpose.
That's amazing. But what is it?
Engineering? Medicine? Saving the bees?
I just read an article about that.
(groans) I am, uh, deathly allergic
to all stinging insects.
Actually, I head the physical education curriculum
right here at Ridgeway.
You're a gym teacher?
I mean, no, that, that's neat.
You get to wear shorts to work.
I wear joggers, Carly. I'm a professional.
Yes, of course.
But you do teach fun stuff,
not "this matters" stuff.
Principal Franklin. Wait, I thought you retired.
Can we call you Ted now?
Nope.
I'm on the reunion circuit,
mostly for the free drinks and occasional gifts.
Plus, I get to wear this shirt.
Well, I'd consider it a real gift
to stand next to you in the class photo.
You could even flip my tassel.
But, Carly, the class photo is only for Ridgeway graduates.
(chuckles)
I don't get it.
Of course you don't. You never graduated.
How could she not have graduated?
Am I dating a high school dropout?
Am I a bad boy?
I went to a little bit of college.
So I know for a fact my credits transferred.
Not true.
I remember because when I reviewed your paperwork,
I laughed and laughed.
You had an incomplete in phys ed.
(laughs) It's still funny.
I took gym in Italy.
Tuscan strolls didn't transfer?
So, what you're saying is, I can't be a part
of the class photo that I've waited ten years to be in
because of gym?
The one class that teaches skills I'll never even use?
Those skills are good for your heart, your lungs, your joints--
Whose side are you on, mine or gym?
It's also a good stress reliever.
We sent several notices to the address your brother gave us:
500 Whichever Way the Tower of Pisa Leans, Italy, no zip code.
So, my dreams of being forever immortalized
with the class of 2013 are dashed
because I never mastered the frigging monkey bars?
I'm confused why the photo's more important than the diploma.
It's not even about the photo.
I missed so many milestones senior year,
and that was the one that I could finally be a part of.
Why don't you just ask Shane to pass you?
I mean, he's the...
(chuckles) the gym teacher.
That's a great idea.
Do you think that he would do it tonight?
I mean, why wouldn't he?
He's here, I'm here, the photographer's here.
I am going to graduate the chiz out of high school.
Who could say no to this energy?
No.
Blood of my blood.
Hear my decree.
Consider the great masterpieces of the human era:
Mona Lisa. Starry Night.
Bette Midler's rendition of "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy."
And yet they are all trash
when you compare them to my latest installation
Mount Spencemore!
-Ooh. -Wow.
Who is buying your art?
Spoppers and Spopettes! Assemble!
Yes, safely find a face hole.
Yes.
-Spoppa? -What is it, Potter?
There's no face hole for me.
What? How is that possible?
No, wait...
There are only ten holes for 11 kids.
And I feel like you should get Potter in there.
She really gonna shine on camera.
But there should be enough for everyone.
You know what this means, right?
Yes. But I don't want to show off, so you say it first.
There's an imposter among us.
An imSpopster!
Oh, I love solving mysteries.
I wish I had a magnifying glass and a pipe.
It wouldn't help me solve anything,
but I know I'd look good.
But how will we figure out who the imSpopster is?
Ah, I need my thinking cookie.
Okay, that's why Carly only lets you eat cookies
over the toilet.
I think I know how we can find the imSpopster.
How?
I already missed senior year.
Can't you just pass me?
If I'm not in the photo, it's like I don't even exist.
And exist she must. F-Train don't date no ghost.
Okay, I am an educator, hmm?
I don't just hand out credits like raisins on Halloween.
All students must complete the Lance Armstrong Fitness Test.
Uh, formerly the OJ Simpson Fitness Test.
They're a little slow to catch up.
I can't wait until your generation
is no longer in charge.
Hey. Get back to work, okay?
Those mini quiches are not gonna replenish themselves.
Don't talk to my kid like that, all right?
She's volunteering her time.
Volunteering? Uh, no.
This is her detention.
That's right, gym teachers can give out detention.
Yeah, we've got a lot going on for ourselves.
Millicentia Mitchell.
You got detention?
I'd love to stay and chat,
but millennials need their egg pies.
Hey, what were we talking about?
Oh, yeah.
How the body is the temple,
but the gym teacher is the shaman.
Your Holiness.
As I always say to my most useless students, good effort.
Okay, fine. I'll test you.
But you'd better not besmirch
the good name of Lance Armstrong.
Thank you, Shane.
So, you'll pass me tonight, then I'll be in the photo,
and then I'll come back next week to take the test.
Oh, how I cherish our friendship so.
No, no, this cannot still be my problem next week.
If you want to take the test, you are doing it tonight.
But I thought I was super clear.
I don't want to take the test.
* *
Yep, she's one of yours.
Nice work. Next!
Would you like some milk?
(Spencer scoffs)
You never take the milk.
A rule I still don't understand.
BOTH: The imSpopster.
(both groan)
Ten cookie tests, all passed with flying colors,
which must mean that the remaining kid is the imSpopster.
Yeah, but who's left?
It's Potter! No, not my favorite!
Why couldn't it have been this one?
(alarm blaring)
What?
-What, what is go...? -(child coughs)
Mount Spencemore!
Potter! Are you okay?
It was a mistake, Spoppa, I swear.
Sometimes I just touch things and they burst into flames.
(gasps)
I know, my beloved. I know.
Spencer, you are the father.
Okay, this is it.
The moment you've been waiting for:
the Lance Armstrong Fitness Test.
And, like Lance Armstrong,
I am ready to infuse myself
with my own refrigerated blood.
Mm-hmm. All you need to do
is successfully complete one of three exercises:
Wind sprints.
Ugh.
-Rope climbing. -Ugh!
Or the sit-and-reach.
Thank God.
Yeah, that's the one.
Are you ready?
No. I pulled a muscle sneezing earlier.
But here we are.
Let's do this.
* *
-(growls) -(growls)
(blows whistle)
* *
(blows whistle)
(grunting)
I did it, Shane,
I got past my knees.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry, Carly. You'll get 'em next time.
Next time?
There is no "next time."
What's the point in graduating if tonight was already a bust?
What's the point in graduating high school?
Class photo time!
Ridgeway graduates, line up in front of the bleachers!
You better get up there, Captain Popular.
Damn it, I just gave you another nickname.
The only nickname I have ever wanted is Mr. iCarly.
Who cares if you're not up there in the class photo?
No one can erase you from my high school experience.
You were the most memorable part.
Aw, look who finally got together.
(chuckles)
Camgirl and F-Train.
Come on, dude. Training bros don't stand in the caboose.
That means the back.
(sighs)
Go for it. Really.
Are you sure?
Smile big enough for the both of us.
Wow, he really went.
Carly, wait.
Yes?
Can you take the picture?
Sure.
Everyone say...
-(buzzing) -Help! -Shane!
Oh, of course. How could we forget Shane?
Thanks, Carly.
Help! Wasps!
Wasps? Shane is deathly allergic to all stinging insects!
Oh, yeah, yeah, that nest has been there for years.
Well, it's not my problem.
Don't worry, Shane, I'm coming!
EpiPen. (gasps) In my bag.
* *
Oh, wait, no, this is just a marker.
* *
(gasping): Epi... pen.
(Shane gasping)
We meet again, you raggedy bitch.
(buzzing)
(grunting)
Come on, Carly. Go!
(grunting)
(gasps)
(all gasping)
Oh no.
Now I just have to sit... and...
-Reach! -(grunts)
By golly, she's gonna do it.
She's gonna sit and reach.
(grunting)
Ah!
(all gasping)
(grunts)
(gasping)
(cheering)
See, I told you phys ed is important.
Oh, shh, rest now.
You're talking nonsense.
Oh, thank you for keeping her safe.
It's the least I could do.
That's not true, I could've hired security.
Wait, I'm still confused.
If you only tracked down ten kids, why did 11 show up?
Oh, I might be able to explain that.
Spencer didn't track us down.
I tracked him down.
I'm a nurse at the "bank" where Spencer made his "deposits."
His sample was super popular.
So height is that important.
It is.
When I decided to have a baby on my own, I figured, hey,
everyone steals office supplies.
Legally, you should stop talking now.
-Hey, so you're a nurse, huh? -Mm-hmm.
Sounds like the kind of boring job
where I could do most of the talking.
Would you want to grab a drink sometime?
It's not like we haven't already
consummated the relationship. (chuckles)
I think that could be fun.
For me, it already was.
Oh, no, you didn't hurt your wrist, did you?
Uh, no.
Oh, great, then you can sign this.
Bye. Have fun.
So, how's your Shirley Temple?
Soured by the taste of fibbery and hogwash?
Why didn't you just tell me you had detention?
You should never feel scared to tell me anything.
I know. It's not like you would "ground" me.
"Go to your room!" Oh, no.
Alone time with all my cool stuff?
You can always be honest with me.
Although I should really think of some punishments
with actual consequences.
It's good to have goals.
I am officially a high school graduate.
You know, you could've handed me toilet paper
and I'd have signed off on it.
(groans) I am toasted, mang.
Wow, Carly, that was one for the history books.
And... for the yearbooks.
Like a yearbook for the reunion?
So, did I earn a nickname?
Life Alert?
Or...
CamGirl69...
Nope! Life Alert works. Trust me.
I love it. Photo time!
Everybody stop talking so we can capture this cherished memory.
Hey, camera. Take a picture.
I'm proud of you, Life Alert.
Thanks, Mr. iCarly.
* *
Chugga chugga choo choo, this is how we...
Don't, don't.
Nope, I don't want to be on the news.
W-W-Wait, w-wait, come here, w-wait.
Spauntie? And is that my Spuncle?
I don't know how to answer that question.
Carly, this is my biological daughter
and your niece Potter.
Is now a bad time to tell you
there's ten more of these little stonkers?
Ooh!