(playing off-key)
That was "Careless Whisper"
by the innumerable George Michael.
That's not what "innumerable" means.
Oh, yes, it is. On Brother's Day,
we only say nice things to Spencer.
So yes, that was definitely George Michael.
Isn't that right, guys?
- Obviously. - Of course!
Innumerably!
You're a regular Kenny G.
Or a regular Craig Saunders. (giggles)
Y'all don't know him. We went to boarding school together.
But he could shred on the sax.
I went to boarding school.
You know, my mom played Kenny G to me in the womb.
She read that playing smooth jazz to a baby in utero
is supposed to make them come out gifted.
(laughs) With that? The gift of being lame?
Cut it out. Be nice to Pearl.
'Cause she's my perfect little cupcake.
You're my perfect little jellybean.
(both giggle)
-We're the worst. -The worst!
Yeah. You really do suck.
(grunts)
I thought you really liked Pearl.
What changed, Milli Vanill?
Look, I only trust her as far as I can throw her,
which is not very far because I'm 11 and she's at least 52.
Thank you all for being here.
And a special thanks to my girl Tootsie.
It's just too bad she's only allowed out once a year.
'Cause of my brass allergy.
Ugh, so frustrating. You're so talented!
So, everyone, raise your OJ and beer "man-mosas."
To Spencer.
This drink is sweet and makes no sense.
Just like you.
-Thank you. -ALL: To Spencer!
Ah, thanks, sis.
I'm honored to be your big brother.
Did I make sacrifices? Sure.
So I never backpacked through Europe
or finished law school
or toured with the U.S. cast of Stomp.
And maybe in a different world where I wasn't a surrogate dad
to Carly, I'd have settled down by now with my one true love.
Yet, a thousand meaningless one night stands later,
I'm all alone.
But, hey, Carly's doing great.
Happy Brother's Day.
ALL: Happy Brother's Day.
* I know you see *
* Somehow the world will change for me *
* And be so wonderful *
* So wake up the members of my nation *
* It's your time to be *
* There's no chance unless you take one *
* And the time to see *
* The brighter side of every situation *
* Some things are meant to be *
* So give me your best and leave the rest to me. *
* *
I feel so guilty knowing that I held Spencer back
from finding true love.
Don't blame yourself.
Your brother's an idiot. Nice place, though.
What if I hire a really expensive
matchmaker for Spencer?
Oh, that's a terrible idea.
What if I already hired a really expensive matchmaker
to help Spencer, and I can't get my deposit back?
Then yay! Best sister ever!
Her name is McKenna Donatacci.
And apparently, she's on this show called...
-Code Red Flags. -Code Red Flags?
You hired the host of Code Red Flags
to find Spencer a match?
-Do you know her? -Uh, yeah!
J'obsessed.
I've seen every single episode.
I even submitted an audition tape
once or twice or 17 times.
She says that every single guy is either one of two things,
a Red Flag or a Mr. Cool Guy.
What's a Mr. Cool Guy?
It's her prototype for the perfect guy.
Frosted tips, tasteful choker,
and tattoos in a language he does not speak.
(doorbell ringing)
-Oh, my God! -(screams)
Hi, McKenna. I'm Carly.
And I'm Carly's roommate, Harper. Huge, huge fan!
Can I try on your shoes?
In your mind you can.
So, Carly, before I fix up your brother,
I need to make sure there are no... red flags.
(screams)
Now, there are three in particular that every man
should avoid.
Red flag number one: no roommates.
If he still splits the rent, she shall not consent.
'Cause that's a red flag, y'all.
I love it when she says it.
Well, Spencer owns this very apartment,
so one for one.
Red flag number two:
Height.
One should just be tall.
If you're under five nine, don't waste my time,
'cause that's a red flag, bitch!
"Be tall." It seems like a hard rule to follow.
But Spencer does.
And red flag number three is immaturity.
See, women want a man who's confident,
but doesn't demand attention at all times.
If he acts like a baby, it's not even a maybe.
(singsongy): 'Sup?
Oh, uh, Spencer! Your bonnet?
Uh, Carly, your face?
Spencer. Hi, McKenna Donatacci, professional matchmaker
with an extremely high success rate,
and owner of four cars.
Mm. You're helping Harper? She's single, and has no cars.
Spencer! Don't tell McKenna I have no cars.
This is my gift to you.
You said you hadn't met the one.
Uh, I don't really have trouble getting ladies,
but if it makes you happy, Carly,
I'll go out on multiple dates with beautiful women.
Just no Caitlins. I'm so done with Caitlins.
* *
Finally, we can catch up on The Good Fight.
Hey, you didn't watch any episodes without me, right?
No. But I might've had a dream with exact plot
of the next three episodes.
Oh, you are the worst liar.
-You're the worst liar. -(both giggle)
So, what are we thinking for dinner?
Lamb chops or spaghetti?
Oh, Pearl doesn't eat meat, so...
Lamb chops it is.
Great. So now you're gonna bully my girlfriend too?
I smell a rat.
Mm. You've been talking with Millicent, haven't you?
Yep. And if our little Milli Vanill
doesn't trust Pearl, then neither do I.
She's the first woman you've seriously dated
since adopting Millicent.
I'm just looking out for her.
Who, Pearl?
No! Millicent.
Not that mousy-haired barnacle you scraped off a crab trap.
(clears throat)
She... saw me, right?
I'm sorry. She and Millicent are struggling to get used to me
being in a real relationship.
They somehow figured out a way to make sure
that I only get male Uber drivers.
Look, as long as you're living under your mother's roof,
she is gonna treat you like a child.
Uh...
Just my opinion.
She does not treat me like a child.
Babykins, you want your lamb chops cubed
and not touching anything else on the plate, like always?
(giggles) My food can touch.
* *
Oh. Are we sad eating or sex eating?
Can't help but notice the two plates
and the zero underwear.
I have met the lady of my dreams.
She's intelligent, she's funny.
I'm pretty sure she has two tongues.
I'm sorry I doubted you, sis.
You were so right to hire McKenna.
So, who is my future sister-in-law?
(pants) Morning!
Oh, hey, McKenna.
Whoa! Spencer has that same robe.
* *
Good morning, beautiful. How was your shower?
-Did you miss me? -We're not there yet.
BOTH: Yet!
Your coffee. You get my special Carly mug.
Oh. Ah, look at that.
She's on both sides.
And the bottom.
Well, it's my turn to shower.
Hopefully, you left me some strands of hair
stuck to the wall. Mwah!
(squeals)
We want details. Tell us everything.
Yes. Tell me more, tell me more.
Like did he have a car?
Are you quoting Grease?
I just feel very uncomfortable right now.
(grunts)
Oh, well, you know how it goes.
I said I liked his art.
He said, "Then you'll like my body even more."
I said, "Never say that again."
And then we had sex. (clears throat)
Look. Please don't tell anyone about this.
A matchmaker should never sleep with her client.
Aw. And I shouldn't have slept with that lady at the library.
But she was hot. And very quiet.
(sighs) This is so unprofessional of me.
Spencer's not even the type I go for.
Well, what's wrong with my brother?
I mean, it's not every day you meet a Spencer Shay.
(playing off-key)
(sneezes)
Brass allergy.
* *
Guess who found the coolest fedora?
Or I can save that story
for when whatever this is blows over.
We know how much you like Pearl, but we thought it would help
to get the whole picture.
We've done a deep dive on Pearl,
and trust me, the world does not seem to be her oyster.
I have it on good authority
that she claps when the plane lands.
She orders ice cream in a cone, then asks for a cup.
Okay, Princess Diana.
And I've seen her eat a banana without peeling it first.
Oh, so you're not just bullying Pearl,
you're spying on her, too?
Peel and all? Is it even ripe?
Don't blame Millicent.
This was all my idea.
I'm gonna go polish your old fencing trophies.
That always helps me blow off steam.
(sighs)
Millicent, now that my app's taken off,
your old dad has a little extra lettuce in his crisper.
I think it's time we look for a new place.
I do not think so. Good talk, though.
And that's why I'll be paying rent.
So I'm the one making the decisions.
From now on, just call me Rent Daddy.
Never. We can't move.
I hung a poster.
-Millicent... -With a nail!
A unit just opened up in The Windham.
Look at this. Three bedrooms,
two bathrooms with Jacuzzis,
and Bette Midler's niece lives in the penthouse.
And this... would be your room.
(gasps)
The view from my bedroom
is literally the one on this poster.
I know!
(sighs) We need a fresh start, kiddo,
somewhere to put down roots.
Okay. Let's do this.
All right! Let's do this!
But I do have one request.
- What's that? - Dump Pearl.
No.
But even monkeys know
you peel the banana first.
* *
McKenna said she wants to keep things between us
"strictly business."
That it was a one night stand and nothing more.
I feel so used.
Cool, but used.
I've never seen you like this.
I am indeed... forlorn.
Well, maybe McKenna just needs to see you in a different light.
What, like dusk?
That's when bats come out, and I cannot be chill
if I know they're up there.
You know her type.
- What, a Mr. Cool Guy? - What's a Mr. Cool Guy?
It's how she dresses all the guys on Code Red Flags.
Like a guy who gives off a club promoter vibe
even at the grocery store.
If we turn Spencer into a Mr. Cool Guy,
he'll be irresistible to McKenna.
You really think this could work?
Yes, I do. And so should you.
Now, all hands in on three.
One. Two. Three.
- Makeover! - Mr. Cool Guy! - Yippee!
We probably should've gone over it before.
* *
Hey.
(screams) Freddie!
This gift is almost as good as those vintage
toenail clippers you got me for my birthday.
Wait, what gift?
A son moving his mother
into a luxury high-rise building?
The ladies in my book club are fuming with jealousy.
Danica bit her wine glass in two.
I filled Grandma B in
on all the details about our new apartment.
Including the Jacuzzi jets.
You know you've made it when your tub purrs.
Bacterial nightmare, but what a flex!
I'm sorry, Mom. Millicent misunderstood.
It's just the two of us moving into The Windham.
- Oh, you and me? - Ooh. Mom, no.
Me and Millicent.
But there are three bedrooms.
Yes, one for you, one for me, one for--
Let me guess. Pearl.
No. My office.
Our office.
I'll just use the kitchen.
There it is.
Maybe you're not thinking clearly.
Did you go number two today?
You get so cranky when your pipes are clogged.
No, Mom. This is the decision
that's right for me and my daughter.
I can't be your little boy forever.
I'm a Rent Daddy now.
(screams, cries)
Oh, Mom, come on!
There's no way that means what he think it means.
* *
(doorbell rings)
McKenna.
I am about to change your life.
My life is perfect.
Come in anyway.
This better be worth it.
I just left lunch with a man who's seven foot five.
Oh, it will be.
May we present to you...
Mr. Cool Guy.
* *
'Sup?
Oh. Is that every member of Entourage I see?
Oh, no. That is actually your dream man.
And, incidentally, my brother Spencer Shay.
(laughs) Spencer? Are you in there?
I think so.
Note the skin-tight jeans, the sole dangly earring,
the deepest of V-necks.
Behold the V.
Isn't he everything you ever wanted and more?
Wow.
This is easily, without a doubt,
the biggest red flag I have ever seen!
* That's a red flag *
* Do you know what I mean? *
* *
What do you mean, I'm a red flag?
Put your two tongues in my mouth and tell me that.
Look, normally, I would crawl through that frosted-tip tundra
on my hands and knees.
But, people, he let his sister do a makeover on him!
Who is she talking to?
It's classic codependence, which is a big no-no,
as I say in my book, Be Like This, Not Like That,
available wherever books are sold.
Oh, that reminds me. We need to go to the bookstore.
The new spooky stories are coming out tonight.
And we can read them under the covers with a flashlight.
Ooh, don't tell me the ending. No spoilers.
So, don't you find it weird
that you guys live in the same building?
Weird? I mean, it's not like
- we live in the same apartment. - Anymore.
Mm-hmm. And don't you have the same friend group?
Well, sure. There's Carly's roommate Harper,
my neighbor Freddie, Freddie's daughter--
Ooh, Freddie's mother.
I guess most of our friends are in this building.
- Ooh, ooh, and... Wait, water? - No, thank you.
Tell her your names in each other's phones.
Sister Daughter.
- Brother Father. - Mm.
You're right. We're like two globs
of tapioca at the bottom of a boba tea.
Delicious.
BOTH: Impossible to separate.
Fixed it. I now put her in my phone as Honey Sister.
* *
I promise. You'll still see us all the time, Grandma B.
I can even send you videos of Dad sleeping.
Oh, don't worry. I already set up a nanny cam.
But I'll tell you a secret.
I might miss you even more than Freddie.
Just don't tell him. He'll be crushed.
Millicent, um, I have some bad news.
You're back to finish that fedora story?
It actually has a juicy twist.
Our application was denied. We're not moving.
I think the best thing for our family
is to be with our whole family.
(cries)
Long live the Bensons!
-No. Just the Bensons. -Oh...
What... No.
Stop! Stop it!
(sighs) For the last time, Pearl is a part of my life,
which means that she is a part of yours, too.
So get with it or...
Actually, no "or." End of sentence.
Freddie, I've never seen you so assertive before.
Say more things like that.
(chuckles)
Watch this.
Mom, if Millicent and I are going to stay here,
then I insist on paying the rent,
but you have to start treating me like an adult--
nay, a Rent Daddy.
Ugh!
Hey, Millicent, here's a thought.
How about we turn your poster into life-size wallpaper?
That way you can still have your waterfront view.
I can help.
Not a bad idea, Pearl. Not bad at all.
Want to go get tacos with me and Dad?
You can even sit at the same table as us.
I'd love that. Millicent Vanillicent.
Don't try to do your own thing.
Come on, gals.
Ugh.
With all the money I'm saving in rent,
I bet I can get Pearl on that no-fly list.
We'll see if she likes to clap as the bus pulls into the depot.
(cackles)
* *
Maybe we need some space from each other.
One of us could move out of the building.
Yeah, one of us could. Maybe you?
Sure. Yeah.
Why me, though?
Well, you rent. I own.
And with the market the way it is--
Oh, don't you talk to me about the market, okay?
- I know all about the market. - I know
- all about the market! - Forget about the market.
McKenna Donatacci is leaving.
My problematic angel.
(sighs) Look, as long as you two are enmeshed,
Spencer will never have
a meaningful relationship with a woman.
Trust me. I wrote the rules.
Which you can hear about on Trust Me, I Wrote the Rules,
available wherever you get your podcasts.
Now, hold on a second.
McKenna, you may be a gorgeous, wealthy, best-selling author
and TV personality with a beautiful smile
and illustrious hair...
But?
Yeah, and a great butt.
But you're wrong.
Maybe I haven't had
a meaningful romantic relationship,
but I raised the best woman I know, my sister.
Aw, Spence. I feel seen.
And if Carly really is a "helicopter sister,"
well, then, I'm the pilot inside of her.
Babe, no.
But what about all the things you said on Brother's Day
about me getting in the way of you settling down?
Carly, I chose to spend those years raising you.
I don't regret one day of it.
Besides, I was five "man-mosas" deep at brunch.
I could've said anything.
Like my real age, which, again, is 32.
- Yeah. 32. - Mm.
Oh. Sorry, uh, two siblings hugging
a little weird for you?
(crying)
Why is McKenna Donatacci crying?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, it's just so beautiful.
I wish I had a relationship like yours,
but none of my 11 brothers will talk to me
because I call all my nieces ugly.
What? I tell it like it is!
Well, I'm sure you can patch things up.
Open communication?
That's a green flag, chica.
True, although I don't love the optics
of you saying "chica."
(sighs) But thank you.
So... (sniffs)
Spencer...
all dolled up with nowhere to go?
Tell me, have you ever made love in a gondola?
No.
Yet another thing I missed out on because of Carly.
* *
Popcorn, anybody?
Oh, we're good, thanks.
Mm.
(music plays on television)
What are you guys watching?
It's Code Red Flags. McKenna is roasting all of us.
Is it weird that I'm kind of excited
to hear what she says about me?
Carly Shay? She is not well.
Sincerely. Get help, girl.
I didn't even get a rhyme?
* *
Well, at least you didn't get red flagged.
(clicks tongue) Yeah.
And now, for this week's eligible bachelorette.
Please welcome... Harper.
Hi. I'm Harper.
I'm a stylist from Seattle.
I'm mind your business years old.
And if your shirt has a team logo,
then, baby, it's a no-go.
And how tall are you?
Six foot one.
* *
What? She said, "Be tall."
* *
Ooh!
MAN: He hates these cans.