1 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,507 Explain to me again why your Model UN tournament's 2 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:07,875 being held at Shay What?! 3 00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:09,977 They double-booked the school's auditorium, 4 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:12,580 and the debate team quickly and concisely 5 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,548 convinced them to bump us out. 6 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,785 You'll never guess what just happened. 7 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,487 Your manager Paul got you an audition 8 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,822 for The Great Big Globetrot? 9 00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:23,891 Our walls are very thin. 10 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:26,494 You mean, the reality show where teams compete in a race 11 00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:27,928 for a cash prize so large, 12 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,098 it could lift entire communities out of poverty? 13 00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,765 Exactly! 14 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:35,469 Paul said the producers love my child Internet star angle. 15 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,705 They know you're not a child now, right? 16 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:40,808 Anyway, my partner and I just have to make an intro video, 17 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,277 and then go to an audition challenge tomorrow. 18 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,946 Listen, I know I'm the obvious choice. 19 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,348 For a race? 20 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:48,816 I've seen you get car sick in an elevator. 21 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,619 That elevator went faster than normal elevators. 22 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:54,722 But tomorrow is Model UN, and Millicent needs me. 23 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,657 I'm the Gayle to her Oprah. 24 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,359 Oh yeah! Millicent, aren't you gonna beat 25 00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,760 your nemesis, Henry Von Biedermeyer? 26 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,463 He's won the Golden Gavel four years running. 27 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,932 But this year, that gavel is mine. 28 00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:08,802 I can taste it. It's metallic, like blood. 29 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:12,306 Ooh, Millicent, I know exactly what you mean. 30 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,908 I just landed the most exciting job 31 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:16,644 of my career since Dutch. 32 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,846 I'm styling four fabulous drag queens 33 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:21,682 for their club's annual Hollywood Icon Night. 34 00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:23,684 Wait, what does that have to do with her thing? 35 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,586 Oh, I was just changing the subject. 36 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:26,987 But if y'all wanna keep talking 37 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,556 about a boring children's political event, 38 00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,991 then sure, let's do that. 39 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,726 Wait, wait, wait. 40 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,662 So, if none of us are gonna be your partner, 41 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,331 - then that means... - Spencer's gonna do it! 42 00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,235 It's always been my dream to be on a reality TV show. 43 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:45,038 My audition for Naked and Afraid was choice! 44 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:46,140 What's in the pack, dude? 45 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,741 Rocks, to help me be strong. 46 00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,811 When we were kids, Spencer and I crushed every game night. 47 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,880 We were the best team ever. 48 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,282 Ha! Oh! 49 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:57,785 Yeah. I think y'all are gonna win. 50 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:01,155 * I know you see * 51 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:03,757 * Somehow the world will change for me * 52 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:06,994 * And be so wonderful * 53 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:11,365 * So wake up the members of my nation * 54 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,033 * It's your time to be * 55 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,803 * There's no chance unless you take one * 56 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,572 * And the time to see the brighter side * 57 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,875 * Of every situation * 58 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,877 * Some things are meant to be * 59 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:27,748 * So give me your best and leave the rest to me. * 60 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:33,387 Well, if Malaysia had better garbage-sorting processes... 61 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,988 If Norway can't be bothered 62 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:37,090 to separate trash from recyclables, 63 00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:39,660 then Malaysia's gonna send that trash back home. 64 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,096 'Cause that's what you are, Henry Von Biedermeyer, 65 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,065 the king of garbage. 66 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,302 Geez, Millicent, I feel like my race to win a million dollars 67 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,704 is less intense than your Model UN tournament. 68 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,674 Yeah, you don't want it as bad. 69 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:56,977 Thanks for helping me, Dad. 70 00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,447 I couldn't destroy Von Biedermeyer without you. 71 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,715 (laughing) 72 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,517 Okay. (door closes) 73 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:04,952 I'm in huge trouble. 74 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,119 Why? 75 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,755 Millicent's teacher reached out 76 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,391 and asked me to get her to tone it down. 77 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,926 Wait. Millicent, tone it down? 78 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,595 - Mm-hmm. - That's like asking 79 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,064 Ricky Martin to be less sexy. 80 00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:19,467 Never gonna happen. 81 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,635 Well, apparently she is so competitive, 82 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,904 she already drove out seven other participants. 83 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:27,107 There's no South America now. It's just gone. 84 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,377 I'm worried she's turning into Spencer. 85 00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:32,145 What? But Spencer was never like that. 86 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,947 - (scoffs) - Remember how much fun 87 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,183 we had at game nights when we were kids? 88 00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,286 * * 89 00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,955 Way to go, Carly, it's like you're not even trying. 90 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,857 Now, put the green piece here. 91 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:47,295 - (chuckles) - You destroy every game. 92 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:50,631 I have to go. My mom's having GI problems. 93 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,535 See? He can't take us. 94 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,504 Mm-mm. 95 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,606 Oh, to be young. 96 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:01,275 And bossed around by your big brother. 97 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:05,446 Spencer never bossed me around. He just loves to win. 98 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:06,880 You know who he's like? 99 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,916 - Seabiscuit. - Kim Jong-un. 100 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:10,684 Seabiscuit? 101 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,286 Yeah, 'cause he's determined, 102 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,522 he never gives up, and he's liable to poop 103 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,056 absolutely anywhere. 104 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,627 Wait, did you say Kim Jong-un? 105 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,895 Did you say anywhere? 106 00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:28,636 Ladies of substance... 107 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:32,005 Auntie Histamine, Kimmy Kimmy Moore, 108 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,474 Cruella Tensions, 109 00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:36,310 and the wickedly talented Lana del Slay, 110 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:39,980 I am honored that you chose me to style your drag night. 111 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,382 As you should be. 112 00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:44,051 We are some choosy bitches. 113 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:49,222 First, a classic Audrey. 114 00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,725 - (all gasp) - A woman waits her whole life 115 00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,861 for a pearl necklace that thick. 116 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:57,698 You will always love this-- Whitney. 117 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,866 (all gasp) 118 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,468 The one and only time 119 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,703 someone has ever improved on Dolly Parton. 120 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,673 Third, we have Marilyn. 121 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:06,907 (all gasp) 122 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,809 I even figured out a way to install a fan 123 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,243 to make the wind blow. 124 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:13,847 Oh, who is this wind, and how do I meet him? 125 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:17,518 And our final look, little more modern, 126 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,587 but still iconic. 127 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,088 - Reese. - (all gasp) 128 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,793 I am, for lack of a better word, agog. 129 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,928 Ooh, amazing! 130 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,163 Now, you all just have to choose which look you want. 131 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,900 - Any preferences? - ALL: Reese! 132 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,335 What? I already pulled wardrobe. 133 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,737 You can't all be Reese. 134 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,039 Well, with a good enough stylist, we can. 135 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:42,510 Alexa, find us a better stylist. 136 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:47,715 * Ahh, ahh, ahh * 137 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,149 Wait! No, I can do it. 138 00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,485 I can make all four of you Reese Witherspoon. 139 00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,253 Yay, thank you, Harper. 140 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,122 Harper, you brought the town together 141 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,490 and saved the day, 142 00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,526 just like Reese Weatherspoon in Pleasantville, 143 00:05:58,626 --> 00:05:59,993 Reese Witherspoon in Home Again, 144 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,895 and Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde 2: 145 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:03,931 Red, White and Blonde. 146 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,535 Well, buckle up, bitches, 147 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:11,271 'cause it's gonna be an embarrassment of Reeses. 148 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,708 ALL: Reese! Reese! Reese! 149 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:18,646 Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! 150 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,715 So, what were you thinking 151 00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,283 for your Great Big Globetrot intro video? 152 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,920 Well, I set up a spaghetti taco station. 153 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,456 - Ooh. - I thought we could talk 154 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:29,790 about how Spencer invented 'em. 155 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,825 - Ah. - That man could fly to the sun 156 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,360 if he put his mind to it. 157 00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:36,396 These rich people need to stop going into space. 158 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:40,267 Hey, I came up with the most fun idea for our video. 159 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:41,702 Already done. 160 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:44,805 Some think artistic perfection can't be achieved. 161 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,674 Uh, they haven't seen this. 162 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,208 (electronic music playing) 163 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:52,312 * Do it, do it, do it all night * 164 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:56,850 * Do it now, make me feel right * 165 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,056 Whoo! 166 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,158 But shouldn't I be in our team video? 167 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,461 Nah. See you guys later. 168 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,164 Ah. 169 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,834 What? That wasn't so bad. 170 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,435 Come on, Carly, this is exactly 171 00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:17,304 what he's been doing since we were kids. 172 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,706 Oh, I don't think so. 173 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:21,108 Oh, no? Think harder. 174 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,243 (harp strumming) 175 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,980 Oh, way to go, Carly. 176 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,949 It's like you're not even trying. 177 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,450 Now, put the green piece there. 178 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,786 You destroy every game. 179 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:36,223 I have to go. My mom's having GI problems. 180 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,426 See? He can't take us. 181 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,362 Was that a flick? 182 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,034 Hey! 183 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:51,138 Oh, my God. You're right! 184 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:54,508 Except for the thick shiny hair, he's not like Seabiscuit at all. 185 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:55,809 - Mm. - Wait. 186 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,045 So, your mom didn't have GI problems? 187 00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,647 No, she did, I just didn't need 188 00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,014 to leave game night because of them. 189 00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:04,084 - You chose to. - I'm a good boy. 190 00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:13,561 Spencer, I know you wanted to train 191 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:14,828 for the audition challenge, 192 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,997 but I want to talk to you about our video. 193 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,800 Well, I guess your video. 194 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,001 What is that?! 195 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,203 Precipitation. Ever heard of it, Carly? 196 00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:24,638 Dude, we live in Seattle. 197 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,640 On The Globetrot, you gotta be prepared 198 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,242 to compete in any and all conditions-- 199 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,511 rain, sleet, snow, sharknadoes. 200 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:32,746 I need to talk to you about the video-- 201 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,882 No! Stop flapping your gums 202 00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,718 and start working your guns. Drop and give me 20. 203 00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:38,819 - Spencer, I am not gonna-- - (blowing whistle) 204 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,654 - Go, go, go! - What? 205 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,590 Clap in between 'em. 206 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:45,826 We really need to discuss the-- 207 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,928 (blowing whistle) Jumping jacks! 208 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,630 - What? - Twist. 209 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,498 Now you're in the rain forest. 210 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,767 But look out, the wind is picking up. 211 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,337 (scoffs) 212 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,773 Get your vitamins. Drink, don't think. 213 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,277 What is in this?! 214 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,379 Chilis, cayenne, and some ghost jalapeños 215 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:08,782 I got off a shaman in Little Oaxaca. 216 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,251 Food challenges are a huge part of The Globetrot. 217 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,987 (panting) No, Spencer, I need to... 218 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:15,522 Ah... 219 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:17,490 Oh, my God, my mouth is on fire. 220 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:20,393 (panting) I think I'm gonna... 221 00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,095 No, you can throw up in the smoothie cup, 222 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,598 but you will have to drink the vomit after. 223 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:31,872 I stayed up all night, I sewed until my fingers bled, 224 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,074 I watched so many Reese Witherspoon movies 225 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:37,010 that when I tried to scream, all that came out was sunshine. 226 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,047 But I got it done. 227 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,618 Girl, you read us all wrong. 228 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,386 Now, what now? 229 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,922 You think I'm Elle Woods? 230 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,892 I obviously emanate the bubbly-yet-powerful charisma 231 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,795 of Melanie Carmichael, née Smooter, 232 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:57,765 from Sweet Home Alabama. (chuckles) 233 00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,800 AUNTIE: Girl, she didn't even make the costume 234 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,769 from Sweet Home Alabama. 235 00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:05,272 39% on Rotten Tomatoes? Now, that's homophobic. 236 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,174 (snapping) And I'm clearly 237 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,810 Kate "Cootie" Kinkaid from Four Christmases. 238 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:12,680 Wait, stop! I worked really hard on this. 239 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,914 You can't just do that. 240 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,615 Girl! Move some paper 241 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,819 with a piece of tape on it? Henny, I just did. 242 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,188 Harper, you can't interfere with fate. 243 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,255 That's why it's fate. 244 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:25,659 Well, well, well. 245 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:29,029 Look who just quoted Tracy Flick. 246 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,265 The very bitch I picked to dress like her. 247 00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,935 (all gasping) 248 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,139 If I could go back in time, 249 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,441 I wouldn't do a damn thing differently. 250 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:44,011 Cheryl Strayed, Wild. 251 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:45,679 (all snapping) 252 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:49,717 Alexa, we found a really good stylist. 253 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,324 "So, that's why in the spirit of world peace, 254 00:10:57,424 --> 00:11:01,028 we are pleased to compromise with the Kingdom of Norway." 255 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,396 Do you mind if I make some edits to the speech you wrote? 256 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,998 Yeah. 257 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,269 (sighs) I just want you 258 00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,104 to get along better with your classmates, 259 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,773 and for your teacher to stop calling me 260 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,241 to say she's afraid of you. 261 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,409 She carries a squirrel around on the weekends 262 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,811 so people will talk to her. 263 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,680 So, maybe we don't take her advice. 264 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,018 Can you just try? For me? 265 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:29,122 Sure, I can try to "dial down" my "intensity" 266 00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,959 because it's "intimidating" to "losers." 267 00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,194 I'm not asking you to do that, I am just asking you 268 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:36,663 to make your Model UN speech less hostile. 269 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,966 That's literally what I just said. 270 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,167 (heavy footsteps) 271 00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:43,804 Now we're in Antarctica! It's raining ice! 272 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,907 You just saw a penguin, he looks like a little butler. 273 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,175 But you can't talk to him. 274 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,377 Do I have time to use the bathroom? 275 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,512 None! Pee as you run, Carly! 276 00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:54,281 Pee as you run! 277 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,584 Okay, my Reese's pieces. 278 00:11:57,684 --> 00:11:59,953 After four emergency alterations 279 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:03,123 and several renditions of a cappella "Respect," 280 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,192 are y'all finally ready? 281 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,394 ALL: We are! 282 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:10,730 Ow, and we look spectacular! 283 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,768 Honey, you turned us out! 284 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:20,340 I am a Christmas bell. Jingle! 285 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,877 Whoever said Harper couldn't pull this off 286 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,713 was seriously misguided. (laughing) 287 00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:29,149 Well, ladies, we could go on and on 288 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,885 about how I masterfully wove you into the fabric 289 00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,887 of the Witherspoon cinematic universe, 290 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,856 but if you don't get going, you'll miss drag night. 291 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,625 Oh! Drag night! 292 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,727 (laughing) 293 00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,562 Was canceled. 294 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,331 Yeah, the emcee called two hours ago. 295 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:48,201 The club was sold. It's becoming a Baby Gap. 296 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,669 (gags) 297 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,339 So, all this work was for nothing? 298 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,574 Wait, why did y'all make that grand entrance? 299 00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:57,177 Why do Trader Joe's employees look at one item in your cart 300 00:12:57,277 --> 00:13:00,547 and say, "Oh, I haven't tried that yet"? 301 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,349 It's in our nature. 302 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:06,553 * Ahh, ahh, ahh * 303 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:10,958 (laughing, cackling) 304 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,092 No. 305 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,828 You know who wouldn't stand for this? 306 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,964 - Reese Witherspoon. - (all gasp) 307 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,798 You're going to have that drag night, 308 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:23,937 even if I have to bend and snap somebody's neck. 309 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,172 Ooh! 310 00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,609 We're going to the audition in a limo? 311 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,811 Yeah. That way, we get there faster. 312 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,646 It's a longer car. The math works. 313 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,149 Well, why are we sitting in the front? 314 00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:38,718 So we get there sooner. Keep up! 315 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,221 Hi, iCarly. I'm Raoul. 316 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,990 Can you believe it's my first day 317 00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:45,225 and I get to chauffeur a celebrity? 318 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,726 First day? 319 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,862 - My wife made sandwiches. - Oh. 320 00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,197 If you like egg salad 321 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,764 with the freaking perfect amount of dill, 322 00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,033 you're in for a treat. 323 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,767 Raoul, I'm gonna need you to drive 324 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,036 like you just realized you forgot 325 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:57,770 your wife's sandwiches at home. 326 00:13:57,871 --> 00:13:59,739 Oh. This is too real. 327 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,341 You can do this, Raoul. 328 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,675 Okay. 329 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,945 I can't believe I'm really in a limo! 330 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,414 - (tires squealing) - Whee! 331 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,582 GPS: You will arrive at your destination 332 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:10,951 in 17 minutes. 333 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:12,752 In half a mile, turn right. 334 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:13,987 You know what, Raoul? 335 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,288 Hang a left up here, it's a shortcut. 336 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,925 What? No, the GPS literally says... 337 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,960 - (tires squealing) - New route detected. 338 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,995 You will arrive in 23 minutes. 339 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,297 Ooh, more time in the limo! 340 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:26,833 - Spencer! - It's okay, it's okay. 341 00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,735 - Hey, turn right. - Turning right. 342 00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:31,238 You will arrive in 31 minutes. 343 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:33,073 Raoul, just stop listening to Spencer. 344 00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,741 - Take the freeway. - No, Raoul, 345 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,776 stop listening to Carly, she's always wrong. 346 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,145 A little bit about me. 347 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:40,680 Conflict really exacerbates my eczema. 348 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,615 Can one of you pass me my skin ointment? 349 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,084 It's right next to the egg salad. 350 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:46,119 Look, can we please just take the freeway? 351 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,388 It's faster. The on-ramp is on the right. 352 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:49,722 No, take Ballard Bridge. 353 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,024 We can make up the time we lost. Turn left. 354 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:53,460 Could you just listen to me for once? 355 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,494 Left or right? 356 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:55,595 - Left! - Right! 357 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:56,796 Raoul, turn left right now! 358 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,832 (tires screeching) 359 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,235 Why did we stop? What's happening? 360 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,836 Ballard Bridge raised for ferry crossing. 361 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,406 You will arrive in 57 minutes. 362 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,210 Oh my God, the bridge is gonna split in half! 363 00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:14,914 Raoul, here's your ointment. 364 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:21,854 (panting, shouting) 365 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,656 Spencer Shay. Carly Shay. 366 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,192 We're here. We made it. 367 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,394 - Yeah. - Oh, the audition challenge 368 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,761 started 20 minutes ago. 369 00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:31,264 I'm so sorry, you've been disqualified. 370 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,800 You are no longer hot to trot. 371 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,570 After all I did to get here, it's over just like that? 372 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:42,409 You were actually able to skip most of the audition process 373 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,111 because you're famous. 374 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,779 I acknowledge my privilege. 375 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:53,620 I can't believe we got disqualified. 376 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,155 I hate to say it, Carly, but... 377 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:56,823 - Thank you for apologizing. - ...it's all your fault. 378 00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:59,926 My fault? You ignored the GPS. 379 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,162 Yeah, what does a GPS know that I don't? 380 00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,396 Everything. 381 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,832 It knows everything. 382 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,071 Was that a flick? 383 00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,640 Oh... 384 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:16,676 No, you don't. No, you don't. 385 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,547 Guys, guys, guys! Oh! 386 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:23,416 We are loving this sibling rivalry. 387 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,652 We want you back in the challenge. 388 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,387 And I want you in my bed. 389 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,322 Oh, whoa. 390 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:32,292 That was highly inappropriate. 391 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,826 (whispering) But I meant it. 392 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,229 You know what, you can take him. 393 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,730 I can't deal with him anymore. 394 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,967 Oh, I know this is raw, I know this is painful. 395 00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:44,804 I do need you to save it for the cameras. 396 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,239 We're out. 397 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,176 You're a content creator, right? 398 00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,511 Some contestants on our show 399 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:55,615 get more than a million new followers. 400 00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:58,451 Let's do a challenge, bro. 401 00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,487 So, it's pretty simple. 402 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:03,190 Just slingshot a melon to knock over a target 403 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,592 and you qualify for the race. 404 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,727 Is that target a mom with a baby? 405 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:11,998 Yeah, the fire department uses these to practice rescues. 406 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:15,335 So, which one of you is flinging fruit? 407 00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,370 - I am! - Fine. 408 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,107 I'll save my melon skills for later. 409 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:21,441 (scoffs) 410 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,049 - (splat) - Did I hit a target? 411 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:33,353 No, you hit my coworker Benjamin. 412 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,123 Great job. He's insufferable. 413 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,263 Millicent. 414 00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:45,598 Von Biedermeyer. 415 00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:48,401 Actually, I go by Von Gavelmeyer now, 416 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:51,037 because I keep winning all these gavels. 417 00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:53,406 I haven't heard anyone call you that. 418 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,909 Then I guess you haven't been talking to my mother. 419 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,078 - (scoffs) - Look, I know that it's tough 420 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,281 to be nice, but it's really important because-- 421 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:03,750 Oh, my Reese Witherspoon. 422 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,155 Harper, what are you doing here? 423 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:11,424 We needed a new venue for drag night. 424 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,759 Why are you here? 425 00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,061 Model UN. I told you all about it. 426 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:18,898 Oh, this is that boring children's political event? 427 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:23,970 Harper, we cannot have drag night and Model UN. 428 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,939 ALL: Unless... 429 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:31,344 So, I guess Malaysia will compromise on garbage 430 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,846 and everything else, until every last drop of joy 431 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,949 has been sapped from the thing they used to love most. 432 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,819 (scattered applause) 433 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:41,120 Yay! 434 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:44,191 Thank you, delegate from Malaysia. 435 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,160 It's not too often you see such a young spark 436 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,828 flicker out so quickly. 437 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,265 Next, the chair recognizes the delegate 438 00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:56,236 from Four Christmases, Reese Witherspoon! 439 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,070 * * 440 00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:01,841 * God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay * 441 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:05,978 * Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day * 442 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,080 * To save us all from Satan's power * 443 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,016 * When we were gone astray * 444 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:13,886 * Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy * 445 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,623 * Oh, tidings of comfort and joy * 446 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:17,624 * Joy * 447 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,959 (applause) 448 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,162 I feel terrible that I made Millicent tone it down. 449 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,998 Baby, why would you ask her to tone it down 450 00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,901 when she was clearly born to turn it up? 451 00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:33,340 Millicent, that speech was deliciously asinine. 452 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,809 Glad Ms. Cox passed along the message from my mother 453 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:39,946 that you should tone it down. 454 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,649 (laughing) 455 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:48,521 - Dad? - * Ahh, ahh, ahh * 456 00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,257 Destroy Gavelmeyer. 457 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,160 (clears throat) Oh, Henry? 458 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,331 Quick FYI. 459 00:19:58,431 --> 00:19:59,866 I'm out on your resolution, 460 00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:03,135 and I'm introducing one to censure Norway instead. 461 00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:04,571 You can't do that. 462 00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:07,774 What are you gonna do, throw smoked salmon on me? 463 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,176 Dump a bottle of Voss water on my head? 464 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:11,511 Yeah, that's right. 465 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,747 My dad researched all of Norway's top exports, 466 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:19,352 and they're pathetic, just like you. 467 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:23,790 Yes! Drag him, mama! 468 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:27,394 Now, sashay, Norway. 469 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,363 Mommy! 470 00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:35,768 Yeah, there's no way she's getting that gavel. 471 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,004 I love my little tyrant so much. 472 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,448 Pretend the target is someone you hate. 473 00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:49,816 I am. 474 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:53,786 (man grunts in distance) 475 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,922 Uh, did the medic go home? 476 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,125 Just listen to me, I'm always right. 477 00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:02,094 No, you're not. And you won't listen to me. 478 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,797 When we play games, you never have. 479 00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,033 I just wanted to win. 480 00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:08,501 I didn't know it made you feel bad. 481 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,202 - Why didn't you say anything? - I don't know. 482 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:11,904 Probably because when we were kids 483 00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:13,606 you were like my hero. 484 00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,576 And I still am. I understand. 485 00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:18,311 No, doofus. 486 00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:21,113 I've been trying to talk to you all day. 487 00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:23,983 I love you, but when we play games together now, 488 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,085 I wanna be treated like an equal. 489 00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,521 Guys, I'm sorry, they're setting up 490 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,090 for a kids' soccer game, and we learned the hard way 491 00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:33,059 that you can't do that and melon catapulting 492 00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:35,395 at the same time. You need to quit. 493 00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:37,564 No. 494 00:21:37,664 --> 00:21:39,098 My sister's doing a great job, 495 00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:40,667 and we're not leaving until she hits that target, 496 00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:42,369 which she can do, and she's gonna do. 497 00:21:43,603 --> 00:21:45,438 (choking up) 'Cause she is my equal. 498 00:21:51,611 --> 00:21:53,179 You got this. 499 00:21:58,551 --> 00:22:00,820 - Aah! - Spencer! 500 00:22:02,555 --> 00:22:04,557 (coughing) 501 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:05,825 Are you there? 502 00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:07,126 What is it? 503 00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:11,364 Tell my story. But make it sound cooler. 504 00:22:12,198 --> 00:22:14,801 It'd be hard to make it sound dumber. 505 00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:22,041 So, I didn't make it on The Great Big Globetrot, 506 00:22:22,141 --> 00:22:24,143 and you didn't win the Golden Gavel. 507 00:22:24,243 --> 00:22:26,278 But there's always next year. 508 00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:29,616 Hopefully, there won't be a Von Biedermeyer next year. 509 00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:32,819 (evil laughing) 510 00:22:32,919 --> 00:22:35,488 We're gonna talk about what you just said later. 511 00:22:37,724 --> 00:22:38,858 What are you doing? 512 00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:41,728 Ah. I keep finding more melon. 513 00:22:41,828 --> 00:22:44,063 I gotta use the restroom. 514 00:22:45,432 --> 00:22:47,199 Uh... 515 00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:52,271 Who is your stylist? 516 00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:22,602 Ooh! 517 00:23:22,702 --> 00:23:24,904 MAN: He hates these cans.