Explain to me again why your Model UN tournament's
being held at Shay What?!
They double-booked the school's auditorium,
and the debate team quickly and concisely
convinced them to bump us out.
You'll never guess what just happened.
Your manager Paul got you an audition
for The Great Big Globetrot?
Our walls are very thin.
You mean, the reality show where teams compete in a race
for a cash prize so large,
it could lift entire communities out of poverty?
Exactly!
Paul said the producers love my child Internet star angle.
They know you're not a child now, right?
Anyway, my partner and I just have to make an intro video,
and then go to an audition challenge tomorrow.
Listen, I know I'm the obvious choice.
For a race?
I've seen you get car sick in an elevator.
That elevator went faster than normal elevators.
But tomorrow is Model UN, and Millicent needs me.
I'm the Gayle to her Oprah.
Oh yeah! Millicent, aren't you gonna beat
your nemesis, Henry Von Biedermeyer?
He's won the Golden Gavel four years running.
But this year, that gavel is mine.
I can taste it. It's metallic, like blood.
Ooh, Millicent, I know exactly what you mean.
I just landed the most exciting job
of my career since Dutch.
I'm styling four fabulous drag queens
for their club's annual Hollywood Icon Night.
Wait, what does that have to do with her thing?
Oh, I was just changing the subject.
But if y'all wanna keep talking
about a boring children's political event,
then sure, let's do that.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, if none of us are gonna be your partner,
- then that means... - Spencer's gonna do it!
It's always been my dream to be on a reality TV show.
My audition for Naked and Afraid was choice!
What's in the pack, dude?
Rocks, to help me be strong.
When we were kids, Spencer and I crushed every game night.
We were the best team ever.
Ha! Oh!
Yeah. I think y'all are gonna win.
* I know you see *
* Somehow the world will change for me *
* And be so wonderful *
* So wake up the members of my nation *
* It's your time to be *
* There's no chance unless you take one *
* And the time to see the brighter side *
* Of every situation *
* Some things are meant to be *
* So give me your best and leave the rest to me. *
Well, if Malaysia had better garbage-sorting processes...
If Norway can't be bothered
to separate trash from recyclables,
then Malaysia's gonna send that trash back home.
'Cause that's what you are, Henry Von Biedermeyer,
the king of garbage.
Geez, Millicent, I feel like my race to win a million dollars
is less intense than your Model UN tournament.
Yeah, you don't want it as bad.
Thanks for helping me, Dad.
I couldn't destroy Von Biedermeyer without you.
(laughing)
Okay. (door closes)
I'm in huge trouble.
Why?
Millicent's teacher reached out
and asked me to get her to tone it down.
Wait. Millicent, tone it down?
- Mm-hmm. - That's like asking
Ricky Martin to be less sexy.
Never gonna happen.
Well, apparently she is so competitive,
she already drove out seven other participants.
There's no South America now. It's just gone.
I'm worried she's turning into Spencer.
What? But Spencer was never like that.
- (scoffs) - Remember how much fun
we had at game nights when we were kids?
* *
Way to go, Carly, it's like you're not even trying.
Now, put the green piece here.
- (chuckles) - You destroy every game.
I have to go. My mom's having GI problems.
See? He can't take us.
Mm-mm.
Oh, to be young.
And bossed around by your big brother.
Spencer never bossed me around. He just loves to win.
You know who he's like?
- Seabiscuit. - Kim Jong-un.
Seabiscuit?
Yeah, 'cause he's determined,
he never gives up, and he's liable to poop
absolutely anywhere.
Wait, did you say Kim Jong-un?
Did you say anywhere?
Ladies of substance...
Auntie Histamine, Kimmy Kimmy Moore,
Cruella Tensions,
and the wickedly talented Lana del Slay,
I am honored that you chose me to style your drag night.
As you should be.
We are some choosy bitches.
First, a classic Audrey.
- (all gasp) - A woman waits her whole life
for a pearl necklace that thick.
You will always love this-- Whitney.
(all gasp)
The one and only time
someone has ever improved on Dolly Parton.
Third, we have Marilyn.
(all gasp)
I even figured out a way to install a fan
to make the wind blow.
Oh, who is this wind, and how do I meet him?
And our final look, little more modern,
but still iconic.
- Reese. - (all gasp)
I am, for lack of a better word, agog.
Ooh, amazing!
Now, you all just have to choose which look you want.
- Any preferences? - ALL: Reese!
What? I already pulled wardrobe.
You can't all be Reese.
Well, with a good enough stylist, we can.
Alexa, find us a better stylist.
* Ahh, ahh, ahh *
Wait! No, I can do it.
I can make all four of you Reese Witherspoon.
Yay, thank you, Harper.
Harper, you brought the town together
and saved the day,
just like Reese Weatherspoon in Pleasantville,
Reese Witherspoon in Home Again,
and Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde 2:
Red, White and Blonde.
Well, buckle up, bitches,
'cause it's gonna be an embarrassment of Reeses.
ALL: Reese! Reese! Reese!
Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese!
So, what were you thinking
for your Great Big Globetrot intro video?
Well, I set up a spaghetti taco station.
- Ooh. - I thought we could talk
about how Spencer invented 'em.
- Ah. - That man could fly to the sun
if he put his mind to it.
These rich people need to stop going into space.
Hey, I came up with the most fun idea for our video.
Already done.
Some think artistic perfection can't be achieved.
Uh, they haven't seen this.
(electronic music playing)
* Do it, do it, do it all night *
* Do it now, make me feel right *
Whoo!
But shouldn't I be in our team video?
Nah. See you guys later.
Ah.
What? That wasn't so bad.
Come on, Carly, this is exactly
what he's been doing since we were kids.
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, no? Think harder.
(harp strumming)
Oh, way to go, Carly.
It's like you're not even trying.
Now, put the green piece there.
You destroy every game.
I have to go. My mom's having GI problems.
See? He can't take us.
Was that a flick?
Hey!
Oh, my God. You're right!
Except for the thick shiny hair, he's not like Seabiscuit at all.
- Mm. - Wait.
So, your mom didn't have GI problems?
No, she did, I just didn't need
to leave game night because of them.
- You chose to. - I'm a good boy.
Spencer, I know you wanted to train
for the audition challenge,
but I want to talk to you about our video.
Well, I guess your video.
What is that?!
Precipitation. Ever heard of it, Carly?
Dude, we live in Seattle.
On The Globetrot, you gotta be prepared
to compete in any and all conditions--
rain, sleet, snow, sharknadoes.
I need to talk to you about the video--
No! Stop flapping your gums
and start working your guns. Drop and give me 20.
- Spencer, I am not gonna-- - (blowing whistle)
- Go, go, go! - What?
Clap in between 'em.
We really need to discuss the--
(blowing whistle) Jumping jacks!
- What? - Twist.
Now you're in the rain forest.
But look out, the wind is picking up.
(scoffs)
Get your vitamins. Drink, don't think.
What is in this?!
Chilis, cayenne, and some ghost jalapeños
I got off a shaman in Little Oaxaca.
Food challenges are a huge part of The Globetrot.
(panting) No, Spencer, I need to...
Ah...
Oh, my God, my mouth is on fire.
(panting) I think I'm gonna...
No, you can throw up in the smoothie cup,
but you will have to drink the vomit after.
I stayed up all night, I sewed until my fingers bled,
I watched so many Reese Witherspoon movies
that when I tried to scream, all that came out was sunshine.
But I got it done.
Girl, you read us all wrong.
Now, what now?
You think I'm Elle Woods?
I obviously emanate the bubbly-yet-powerful charisma
of Melanie Carmichael, née Smooter,
from Sweet Home Alabama. (chuckles)
AUNTIE: Girl, she didn't even make the costume
from Sweet Home Alabama.
39% on Rotten Tomatoes? Now, that's homophobic.
(snapping) And I'm clearly
Kate "Cootie" Kinkaid from Four Christmases.
Wait, stop! I worked really hard on this.
You can't just do that.
Girl! Move some paper
with a piece of tape on it? Henny, I just did.
Harper, you can't interfere with fate.
That's why it's fate.
Well, well, well.
Look who just quoted Tracy Flick.
The very bitch I picked to dress like her.
(all gasping)
If I could go back in time,
I wouldn't do a damn thing differently.
Cheryl Strayed, Wild.
(all snapping)
Alexa, we found a really good stylist.
"So, that's why in the spirit of world peace,
we are pleased to compromise with the Kingdom of Norway."
Do you mind if I make some edits to the speech you wrote?
Yeah.
(sighs) I just want you
to get along better with your classmates,
and for your teacher to stop calling me
to say she's afraid of you.
She carries a squirrel around on the weekends
so people will talk to her.
So, maybe we don't take her advice.
Can you just try? For me?
Sure, I can try to "dial down" my "intensity"
because it's "intimidating" to "losers."
I'm not asking you to do that, I am just asking you
to make your Model UN speech less hostile.
That's literally what I just said.
(heavy footsteps)
Now we're in Antarctica! It's raining ice!
You just saw a penguin, he looks like a little butler.
But you can't talk to him.
Do I have time to use the bathroom?
None! Pee as you run, Carly!
Pee as you run!
Okay, my Reese's pieces.
After four emergency alterations
and several renditions of a cappella "Respect,"
are y'all finally ready?
ALL: We are!
Ow, and we look spectacular!
Honey, you turned us out!
I am a Christmas bell. Jingle!
Whoever said Harper couldn't pull this off
was seriously misguided. (laughing)
Well, ladies, we could go on and on
about how I masterfully wove you into the fabric
of the Witherspoon cinematic universe,
but if you don't get going, you'll miss drag night.
Oh! Drag night!
(laughing)
Was canceled.
Yeah, the emcee called two hours ago.
The club was sold. It's becoming a Baby Gap.
(gags)
So, all this work was for nothing?
Wait, why did y'all make that grand entrance?
Why do Trader Joe's employees look at one item in your cart
and say, "Oh, I haven't tried that yet"?
It's in our nature.
* Ahh, ahh, ahh *
(laughing, cackling)
No.
You know who wouldn't stand for this?
- Reese Witherspoon. - (all gasp)
You're going to have that drag night,
even if I have to bend and snap somebody's neck.
Ooh!
We're going to the audition in a limo?
Yeah. That way, we get there faster.
It's a longer car. The math works.
Well, why are we sitting in the front?
So we get there sooner. Keep up!
Hi, iCarly. I'm Raoul.
Can you believe it's my first day
and I get to chauffeur a celebrity?
First day?
- My wife made sandwiches. - Oh.
If you like egg salad
with the freaking perfect amount of dill,
you're in for a treat.
Raoul, I'm gonna need you to drive
like you just realized you forgot
your wife's sandwiches at home.
Oh. This is too real.
You can do this, Raoul.
Okay.
I can't believe I'm really in a limo!
- (tires squealing) - Whee!
GPS: You will arrive at your destination
in 17 minutes.
In half a mile, turn right.
You know what, Raoul?
Hang a left up here, it's a shortcut.
What? No, the GPS literally says...
- (tires squealing) - New route detected.
You will arrive in 23 minutes.
Ooh, more time in the limo!
- Spencer! - It's okay, it's okay.
- Hey, turn right. - Turning right.
You will arrive in 31 minutes.
Raoul, just stop listening to Spencer.
- Take the freeway. - No, Raoul,
stop listening to Carly, she's always wrong.
A little bit about me.
Conflict really exacerbates my eczema.
Can one of you pass me my skin ointment?
It's right next to the egg salad.
Look, can we please just take the freeway?
It's faster. The on-ramp is on the right.
No, take Ballard Bridge.
We can make up the time we lost. Turn left.
Could you just listen to me for once?
Left or right?
- Left! - Right!
Raoul, turn left right now!
(tires screeching)
Why did we stop? What's happening?
Ballard Bridge raised for ferry crossing.
You will arrive in 57 minutes.
Oh my God, the bridge is gonna split in half!
Raoul, here's your ointment.
(panting, shouting)
Spencer Shay. Carly Shay.
We're here. We made it.
- Yeah. - Oh, the audition challenge
started 20 minutes ago.
I'm so sorry, you've been disqualified.
You are no longer hot to trot.
After all I did to get here, it's over just like that?
You were actually able to skip most of the audition process
because you're famous.
I acknowledge my privilege.
I can't believe we got disqualified.
I hate to say it, Carly, but...
- Thank you for apologizing. - ...it's all your fault.
My fault? You ignored the GPS.
Yeah, what does a GPS know that I don't?
Everything.
It knows everything.
Was that a flick?
Oh...
No, you don't. No, you don't.
Guys, guys, guys! Oh!
We are loving this sibling rivalry.
We want you back in the challenge.
And I want you in my bed.
Oh, whoa.
That was highly inappropriate.
(whispering) But I meant it.
You know what, you can take him.
I can't deal with him anymore.
Oh, I know this is raw, I know this is painful.
I do need you to save it for the cameras.
We're out.
You're a content creator, right?
Some contestants on our show
get more than a million new followers.
Let's do a challenge, bro.
So, it's pretty simple.
Just slingshot a melon to knock over a target
and you qualify for the race.
Is that target a mom with a baby?
Yeah, the fire department uses these to practice rescues.
So, which one of you is flinging fruit?
- I am! - Fine.
I'll save my melon skills for later.
(scoffs)
- (splat) - Did I hit a target?
No, you hit my coworker Benjamin.
Great job. He's insufferable.
Millicent.
Von Biedermeyer.
Actually, I go by Von Gavelmeyer now,
because I keep winning all these gavels.
I haven't heard anyone call you that.
Then I guess you haven't been talking to my mother.
- (scoffs) - Look, I know that it's tough
to be nice, but it's really important because--
Oh, my Reese Witherspoon.
Harper, what are you doing here?
We needed a new venue for drag night.
Why are you here?
Model UN. I told you all about it.
Oh, this is that boring children's political event?
Harper, we cannot have drag night and Model UN.
ALL: Unless...
So, I guess Malaysia will compromise on garbage
and everything else, until every last drop of joy
has been sapped from the thing they used to love most.
(scattered applause)
Yay!
Thank you, delegate from Malaysia.
It's not too often you see such a young spark
flicker out so quickly.
Next, the chair recognizes the delegate
from Four Christmases, Reese Witherspoon!
* *
* God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay *
* Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day *
* To save us all from Satan's power *
* When we were gone astray *
* Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy *
* Oh, tidings of comfort and joy *
* Joy *
(applause)
I feel terrible that I made Millicent tone it down.
Baby, why would you ask her to tone it down
when she was clearly born to turn it up?
Millicent, that speech was deliciously asinine.
Glad Ms. Cox passed along the message from my mother
that you should tone it down.
(laughing)
- Dad? - * Ahh, ahh, ahh *
Destroy Gavelmeyer.
(clears throat) Oh, Henry?
Quick FYI.
I'm out on your resolution,
and I'm introducing one to censure Norway instead.
You can't do that.
What are you gonna do, throw smoked salmon on me?
Dump a bottle of Voss water on my head?
Yeah, that's right.
My dad researched all of Norway's top exports,
and they're pathetic, just like you.
Yes! Drag him, mama!
Now, sashay, Norway.
Mommy!
Yeah, there's no way she's getting that gavel.
I love my little tyrant so much.
Pretend the target is someone you hate.
I am.
(man grunts in distance)
Uh, did the medic go home?
Just listen to me, I'm always right.
No, you're not. And you won't listen to me.
When we play games, you never have.
I just wanted to win.
I didn't know it made you feel bad.
- Why didn't you say anything? - I don't know.
Probably because when we were kids
you were like my hero.
And I still am. I understand.
No, doofus.
I've been trying to talk to you all day.
I love you, but when we play games together now,
I wanna be treated like an equal.
Guys, I'm sorry, they're setting up
for a kids' soccer game, and we learned the hard way
that you can't do that and melon catapulting
at the same time. You need to quit.
No.
My sister's doing a great job,
and we're not leaving until she hits that target,
which she can do, and she's gonna do.
(choking up) 'Cause she is my equal.
You got this.
- Aah! - Spencer!
(coughing)
Are you there?
What is it?
Tell my story. But make it sound cooler.
It'd be hard to make it sound dumber.
So, I didn't make it on The Great Big Globetrot,
and you didn't win the Golden Gavel.
But there's always next year.
Hopefully, there won't be a Von Biedermeyer next year.
(evil laughing)
We're gonna talk about what you just said later.
What are you doing?
Ah. I keep finding more melon.
I gotta use the restroom.
Uh...
Who is your stylist?
Ooh!
MAN: He hates these cans.