1 00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,374 Why do so many shows start with people 2 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:07,908 sitting on the couch talking? 3 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,611 I think it's just a nice way to ease into the episode. 4 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:17,185 Presenting the greatest manager of all time! 5 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,920 (imitating fanfare) 6 00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:25,526 Man, do you know how to enter a room. 7 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,729 Team, besties, familia, 8 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,764 could I ask you a serious question? 9 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,533 When you woke up this morning, 10 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,335 did you think it was just gonna be like an ordinary day, 11 00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:35,769 or did you think you would get news 12 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,239 that would change your life forever? 13 00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:42,510 Ordinary day, but I feel like I was dead stupid wrong. 14 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:46,414 - You tell me. - Oh, my God, Paul! 15 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,715 - Yeah. - (gasps) 16 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,384 This can only mean one of two things. 17 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,120 Either I'm pregnant and didn't know it, 18 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,155 but somehow you do, and felt this was an appropriate way 19 00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,357 to reveal that, or... 20 00:00:56,457 --> 00:01:00,060 I'm gonna be the next USA Bae Doll. 21 00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,463 (both shouting) 22 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,032 (all cheering) 23 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,901 You have been selected as a USA Bae of Todae, 24 00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:10,171 celebrating strong, empowering people 25 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,339 from around the country. 26 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:13,374 Ha! Oh, just to be clear, 27 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,008 I'm not pregnant, right? 28 00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,744 - No. - Whatever. 29 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,679 I'm gonna be a doll, bitches! 30 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,314 Yeah! 31 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,216 * I know you see * 32 00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,818 * Somehow the world will change for me * 33 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:28,055 * And be so wonderful * 34 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:32,426 * So wake up the members of my nation * 35 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,094 * It's your time to be * 36 00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:36,864 * There's no chance unless you take one * 37 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,633 * And the time to see the brighter side * 38 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:42,903 * Of every situation * 39 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,938 * Some things are meant to be * 40 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:48,542 * So give me your best and leave the rest to me ** 41 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:56,850 Come on, open her up! 42 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,086 Aw, Millicent, you're even more anxious than I am. 43 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,754 Relax. I need the box. 44 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,123 I have to make a diorama for school. 45 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:04,458 What are we waiting for? 46 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,227 Pearl. I texted to see if she's close. 47 00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:07,695 She hasn't replied yet. 48 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,397 I'd text again, but I don't wanna double-text. 49 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,565 Or, I guess technically, it'd be... 50 00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,067 ...fourteen-uple text. 51 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:18,472 I wonder what profound things my Bae is gonna have to say. 52 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,175 I remember my first USA Bae, Gemma. 53 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,643 She would say things like... 54 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,178 (with British accent): "Girl power!" 55 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,247 And "London calling!" 56 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:27,748 She was from Nebraska, 57 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,417 but she went to England for a couple weeks 58 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:30,951 and it became her whole personality. 59 00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,354 - (phone dings) - Pearl said, "Having fun 60 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:35,155 "with the girls, so I'm gonna stay here. 61 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:36,390 - Tell Carly..." - Ahh! 62 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,559 Don't wreck the box! 63 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,728 (Carly exclaiming) 64 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,665 Oh. 65 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:51,004 She's great. She's got huge... personality. 66 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:52,506 Yeah. 67 00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,642 Two of 'em. 68 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,310 Hello, beautiful. 69 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,145 Spencer, it's me. 70 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,649 You're not that top-heavy. 71 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:05,152 Maybe she needs bigger feet. 72 00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:08,155 Nothing needs to be bigger. 73 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:10,057 "Collect all five Baes. 74 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:12,693 "The Marine Biologist, the Horror Novelist, 75 00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:16,864 "the Neonatologist, the Soccer Star, and... 76 00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:19,066 ...the Hot One." 77 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:21,935 I'm the Hot One? 78 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,405 Carly, don't make snap judgments. 79 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,073 Just because someone is beautiful 80 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,841 doesn't mean they're not a role model. 81 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:30,511 Emily Ratajkowski wrote a book. 82 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:34,214 "Meet Carly Shay, super sexy influencer 83 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:38,151 who isn't afraid to turn a profit by turning heads." 84 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,757 DOLL (Carly's voice): Likes give me purpose. 85 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,826 She doesn't sound anything like me. 86 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,795 Yeah. 87 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,431 Selfies, or it didn't happen. 88 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:51,899 I'm sorry, what'd you say, Carly? 89 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:55,603 "Accessories include hand mirror, 90 00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:58,439 "cell phone, and second cell phone 91 00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,574 with a ring light attached." 92 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,610 "Botox sold separately." 93 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:05,212 Okay, we still have time to work on it, right? 94 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,748 I will call corporate first thing tomorrow. 95 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,017 I don't have female friends, 96 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:13,253 'cause women are too jealous of me. 97 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:18,692 I'm gonna call 'em right now. Right now! 98 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:23,464 Huh, well, the three ball's probably the easier shot. 99 00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:24,965 Three is Pearl's lucky number. 100 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,700 But then the 11 could set me up to run the table 101 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,235 and Pearl is the youngest of 11 children... 102 00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:30,704 Just hit the damn ball! 103 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,041 Sorry. So, you miss Pearl, huh? 104 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,243 (scoffs) Is it that obvious? 105 00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:38,011 No, I'm just more perceptive than most. 106 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,880 Picking up on little clues here and there. 107 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,415 I'm like that guy, what's his name, 108 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,451 with the magnifying glass and the Sherlock Holmes hat. 109 00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:44,885 Carmen Sandiego. 110 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,721 Truth is, I'm starting to worry 111 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,289 that Pearl might be losing interest in me. 112 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:52,092 Say no more. I'm on it. 113 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,561 - Uh, no, no, no. - Yeah, yeah, don't worry. 114 00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,463 I got a guy. His name is Sully. 115 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,665 He's real smart and real tough. 116 00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:01,301 He makes sons of bitches look like real bastards. 117 00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,705 That sounds bad. Do not have him come here. 118 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,174 (phone chimes) 119 00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,109 Oh, too late, he's in. 120 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,178 He's just gotta hop on a flight from Barbados. 121 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,980 Oh, you know who's been to Barbados? 122 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,482 - Oh, Pearl? - Yeah. 123 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:15,849 No one cares. 124 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,694 HARPER: Wow! 125 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,730 This place is so inclusive. 126 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,200 A bae for every bae, as long as you're rich. 127 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:39,773 Harper, Carly, this is my niece, Rose. 128 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,775 She's named after that plant from The Bachelor. 129 00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:44,912 - Hi! - Aw! Hi, there, Rose. 130 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:48,649 Rose is a big fan of yours, Carly, and the USA Bae dolls. 131 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,385 And James Corden. She's a night owl. 132 00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:54,254 Well, then you can be our special expert 133 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,425 on how to make my doll less offensive and terrible. 134 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:58,626 Okay! 135 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:00,227 (chuckles) 136 00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:04,097 I know these are for dolls, but I could pull this off. 137 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:07,401 Oh, definitely. I'm Byron. 138 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,470 Harper. Tell me, 139 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:13,173 is there a Mrs. Handsome Man With a Perfect Smile? 140 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:16,276 - There's not. - Ooh, lucky me. 141 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,480 There he is, Twinkle Dream Weaver 142 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,281 and Chief Am-bae-ssador himself! 143 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,683 Hold on, Carly. 144 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:26,086 You don't think this man works in a doll store? 145 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:27,354 (laughs) No. 146 00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:28,756 I actually don't know what he does yet, 147 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,390 but in my mind, he builds furniture, 148 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,793 rescues kittens, but where he really makes his money 149 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,362 is writing erotic poetry. 150 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,865 - Am I close? - I actually do work here. 151 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:40,868 Which some closed-minded people have a problem with. 152 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:43,937 Oh, no, I am super open-minded! 153 00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,139 I'm like a 7-Eleven. They're open a lot, right? 154 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,742 - Mm-hmm. - I love that you work here, 155 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,343 because I'm not the type of person who would have 156 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:52,112 a problem with that-- not that I would have a problem 157 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,614 with the type of person who had a problem with that. 158 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:54,715 Carly, you talk now. 159 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,416 Why? You're crushing it. 160 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:57,751 (laughs) 161 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,887 I'm Carly Shay, we spoke on the phone. 162 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,388 Oh, of course! 163 00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:04,291 I'm sorry, you just look so different from your doll. 164 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,727 Thank you. 165 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,896 Why don't you and I exit the judgment zone? 166 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:12,065 Oh, no, no, no. I'm super progressive! 167 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,667 I'll give anyone a chance. 168 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,736 I once dated a puppeteer! 169 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,639 The Carly Bae should be a representation 170 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,240 of me as a role model. 171 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,175 She doesn't lead with her looks. 172 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,012 She should have an understated grace. 173 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:28,949 Yes, and smaller... personality. 174 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,684 Or at least bigger feet. 175 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,386 Got it. This is all super helpful. 176 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,256 I promise, by launch day, your doll will be much better. 177 00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:39,693 I really think my Bae could be the best one ever. 178 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,729 (uplifting music) 179 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:44,197 (music distorts) 180 00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:52,072 DOLL (depressed tone): I have lots of female friends 181 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,508 who are also cats. 182 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:59,780 Oh, good. She's a feminist. 183 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:10,858 I like her. She's relatable. 184 00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:13,694 She has the eyes of a hitchhiking ghost. 185 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,597 Well, where's Rose? 186 00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,131 Why don't we ask her what she thinks of her? 187 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,100 Last time I saw her, she was getting dental X-rays 188 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,935 from Isla, the Orthodontist Bae. 189 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,472 Look, that other doll wasn't a role model. 190 00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:28,876 But this Carly could be. 191 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:31,511 It's just important to me that the focus isn't on her looks. 192 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:34,582 Okay, but what-- what is the focus on? 193 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,784 'Cause she literally looks out of focus. 194 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,653 I'm sorry. If this is the doll you want, 195 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,489 I do support you. I just... 196 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,559 Concerts are too loud. 197 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:49,597 We're only given one set of ears, Paul. 198 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,302 Sully! 199 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,204 Thanks for coming on such short notice. 200 00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,538 You look good. 201 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,641 Island life has been treating you well. 202 00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:03,243 Now, the reason I asked you to come here today 203 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:07,514 is because my buddy Freddie has been having girl trouble. 204 00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:08,982 I told you about Freddie, right? 205 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,450 (chittering) 206 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,053 Yeah, he smells a little like cucumber salad, exactly. 207 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,822 Anyway, here's the mark. 208 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,223 This is Pearl. 209 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,625 (chittering) 210 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:19,292 I agree, she's a little out of his league. 211 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,329 But she and Freddie have been drifting apart lately, 212 00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,665 and we gotta find a way to reignite their passion. 213 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,400 - (grunting) - You smell cucumbers? 214 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,703 - (door opens) - Of course, there he is. 215 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:32,640 I knew it was gonna be a monkey. 216 00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,341 SPENCER: Freddie, have a seat. 217 00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:37,144 We gotta hammer out this plan. 218 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,445 And we gotta do it quickly. 219 00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:40,648 - Sully's jet-lagged. - (chittering) 220 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,415 I can't believe I'm putting my relationship 221 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,517 in the hands of you and a monkey. 222 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,954 A very cute monkey, but still. 223 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,255 Ah! 224 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,890 Sorry, he doesn't like being called cute. 225 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,291 He thinks it makes him seem weak. 226 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,660 He weighs like six pounds! 227 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,662 Yeah, but it's all muscle. 228 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,730 Anyway, here's the play, we're gonna do what we did 229 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,031 for my buddy Victor in Albuquerque. 230 00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:00,000 - What was that called? - (grunting) 231 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,736 That's right, the Flip Wilson. We'll do that. 232 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,672 Oh, no, you're right, 233 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,173 we don't have a hotdog cart. (grunts) 234 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,417 - (chittering) - What do you got? 235 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,552 (chittering) 236 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,254 Your diaper? Yes, of course! 237 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,256 We do the Baby Huey. 238 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,692 The hell is the Baby Huey? 239 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,159 Well, it's right there in the title. 240 00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:27,560 Sully pretends to be a baby, 241 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,029 I drop him off at your doorstep 242 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,431 so you and Pearl can take care of him. 243 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,734 I read somewhere that 90% of babies 244 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,502 are born to save marriages. 245 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,805 But 100% of those couples break up. 246 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:40,974 I didn't finish the article. Anyway, you got a better idea? 247 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,275 (sighs) 248 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,978 Can't believe I'm saying this... but no. 249 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,513 Yeah! 250 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:49,482 Yeah. There you go. 251 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,019 (chittering) 252 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,787 Yeah. 253 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,457 Now, remember, when we see Byron, 254 00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:59,126 just like we practiced. 255 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:02,996 Gee, lady, thanks for opening my perspective! 256 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,833 You're at an 11, I need you at a six. 257 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,870 Hello, child. Bae I be of assistance? 258 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,671 Byron, hi! 259 00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,941 I was just helping this young person 260 00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,176 realize the importance of not being so focused 261 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,912 on the dolls' occupations. (chuckles) 262 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,450 Gee, lady, thanks for opening 263 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,185 my perspective. 264 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:28,756 Aw, run along, random youth. 265 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,191 That was a three and you know it. 266 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:35,462 Byron, I'm sorry for judging you. 267 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,230 Honestly, it was a split-second mistake 268 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,932 and really unlike me. 269 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,736 If you're still interested, I'd love to get lunch sometime. 270 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,271 - I'd like that. - (sighs) 271 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,873 How about later today at the Caf-Bae? 272 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:48,108 I get 20% off pre-packaged snacks. 273 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,543 You mean that area filled with dolls 274 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,145 being served food they can't eat? 275 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,681 Oh, is that not fancy enough for you? 276 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,616 What, should we go get lunch at the bank? 277 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,518 No, no, no, the Caf-Bae is perfect. 278 00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,188 Ooh, Bae-tastic. (laughing) 279 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:03,390 Oh, just a heads-up, the hummus tray 280 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,792 doesn't count as pre-packaged. 281 00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,594 It's kind of a gray area, but rules are rules. 282 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,599 So, Rose, you're the USA Bae expert. 283 00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:14,768 Yeah, I like them 'cause they're pretty. 284 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:18,005 So, what do you think about that one? 285 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,073 She's not pretty. 286 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:24,311 Wow, way to tear down other women. 287 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,080 Here, pull her string and watch her come to life. 288 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,384 (depressed tone): It's fine. 289 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,187 I'll eat it like this. 290 00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:35,655 She's relatable. 291 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,724 - Her clothes don't fit. - But she's smart. 292 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:39,192 She looks tired. 293 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,761 Well, we can't all take two naps a day, Rose. 294 00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:44,197 Sorry. 295 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,466 What I mean is, 296 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:49,502 this doll can be whatever you want her to be. 297 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,805 Can she be... 298 00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,406 somewhere else? 299 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,109 Go get fitted for a night guard with Isla. 300 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:57,945 Yay! 301 00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:03,083 Carly, good news has arrived in the form of me. 302 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,952 Oh, I could use some good news. 303 00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:07,921 And some money. These waters were $42. 304 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:14,161 Okay, so the prototype wasn't a prototype. 305 00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,663 They mass-produced the Hot Carly Bae 306 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,598 and sent you one assuming you'd love it. 307 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:20,400 Apparently, they've never had a Bae 308 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,869 give negative feedback before. 309 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,271 Great, so now I'm not just the boring bae, 310 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,574 I'm also the difficult bae. I'm the Anne Hatha-bae. 311 00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:30,410 I know you, Carly. You want a doll 312 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,679 that those little kids out there will cherish. 313 00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:35,082 So, I'm just presenting your options. 314 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:39,019 The first one, or the boring one, you know? 315 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,421 But I'll support whichever you choose, 316 00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,790 even if it's the dead-eyed one that no one would look at, 317 00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,392 let alone give to a child. 318 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,728 All right, let me get out of your hair 319 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,097 so you can decide which one to sell. 320 00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,932 The Hot One, for instance. 321 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,701 (fake coughing): Do the Hot One! 322 00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,269 Sorry, allergies. 323 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,110 (knocking) 324 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,278 - Can you get the door? - But you're right there. 325 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:08,481 I know, but I just put all this lotion 326 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,683 on my hands, so, I can't... 327 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,022 Okay. 328 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:17,624 (gasps) 329 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,726 - (gasps) - Hi! 330 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:22,662 Aw, what's that? 331 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,397 (both chuckling) 332 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,834 "My name is Sully. I've been abandoned. 333 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,402 "Looking for a really committed couple 334 00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,571 "who's kind and generous, and hasn't shared a meal 335 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,073 in over a week." 336 00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:35,175 - Oh, my God. - Aw! 337 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,077 Someone just left him on our doorstep. 338 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,312 That is crazy. Isn't that crazy? 339 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:43,083 It's not crazy. It's bananas. 340 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,952 (laughing) 341 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,254 Well, I think we should keep him, the two of us. 342 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,855 You know, it's a big responsibility. 343 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,057 We're gonna have to spend a lot more time together 344 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:51,358 at home, and not at work, 345 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,793 or out getting drinks with friends. 346 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,729 Absolutely. He needs us. 347 00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,531 Do you think he's hungry? 348 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,133 Hey, you want something to eat? 349 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,434 (chittering) 350 00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,938 Oh, no, no, no. That's Daddy's drink. 351 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,274 - (both laughing) - Okay. 352 00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,276 Give-- can... 353 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,578 No, Sully, give the bottle to Mommy. 354 00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:13,580 (chittering) 355 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,415 (gasps) 356 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,284 Oh, my God, he loves you. 357 00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:18,751 (whispering): Spencer was right. 358 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,954 You're the best there is. 359 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,090 (gasps) 360 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,491 - (laughing) - Aw. 361 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,959 Family hug. 362 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,028 Sully, you're so cute. 363 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,896 - Ow! - (gasps) Sully! 364 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,999 Stop it! No, you get down. 365 00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:33,967 I don't know what set him off. 366 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,136 He doesn't like to be called cute... 367 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,038 - is my guess. - Oh. 368 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,173 I-I don't think it's safe for me 369 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,541 to be in your apartment with this monkey. 370 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,310 - Let's just get rid of him. - Oh, no, no. 371 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,412 - We can't do that to him. - (grunting) 372 00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,480 Okay, I-- I'll just leave. 373 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,016 (stammering) 374 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,252 - (door closes) - You just wanna watch 375 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,653 the world burn, don't you, Sully? 376 00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:56,056 (chittering) 377 00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,692 Girls, this is a nightmare. 378 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,561 What am I gonna do? 379 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:06,366 (depressed tone): Every flower is going to die. 380 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,069 You know, you're a real tough hang. 381 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,006 Let's get va-jazzled! 382 00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:16,109 This is why you don't have any female friends. 383 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,646 Carly, there you are. I need advice. 384 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,448 Okay, but I need yours first. 385 00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,116 Those kids out there are gonna eat me alive 386 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,651 if I don't give 'em one of these dolls. 387 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,620 But how can I pick one when they're both so wrong? 388 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,456 Well, how could they be right? 389 00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,924 None of these people really know you. 390 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,793 They're just judging you at the surface. 391 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,963 Because... that's what we all do. 392 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,233 - So, what do I do? - Shh, having an epiphany. 393 00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:43,403 So, Byron loves his job. 394 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,737 So do I! 395 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,340 So, it's very likely he sleeps with a doll. 396 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,476 (clicks tongue) I can work with that. 397 00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:52,312 Thank you, Carly. 398 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,480 Hey! 399 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,315 What about my thing? 400 00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,586 Carly, you gotta make a decision 401 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,254 or we're gonna have to call this whole thing off. 402 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,656 We can do that? Well, let's just do that! 403 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,024 No, no, no. No, no, no. 404 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,826 No, you'll owe them a crap ton of money. 405 00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:09,196 Plus, I already spent my cut on a Moroccan coffee table. 406 00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,898 It's on the boat. You have to choose. 407 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,000 I don't know what to do. 408 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,137 Look, come on. 409 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:20,307 If we put our heads together, we can figure this out. 410 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,977 - You just solved it! - You bet I did. 411 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,846 What exactly did I do? 412 00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:30,250 - You solved it. - You bet I did. 413 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:36,889 Thank you, Soccer Mary. 414 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:39,559 You did a wonderful job fielding those questions. 415 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,661 - (applause) - (Harper laughing loudly) 416 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:46,133 Will somebody let this man host the Oscars, okay? 417 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,900 I hate seeing you like this. 418 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,271 And that brings us to our final USA Bae of Todae. 419 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:53,473 Carly Shay, the... 420 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,908 Did we ever land on your personality? 421 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,544 - We did not. - Okay. 422 00:17:57,644 --> 00:18:00,147 - Thank you, Byron. - Yes, thank you, Byron. 423 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,349 (applause) 424 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,717 I am honored to be here today. 425 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,787 But unfortunately, the designers weren't able 426 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,989 to capture who I am. 427 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:14,461 Because all any person is cannot be represented 428 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,496 by just one doll. 429 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,999 But we can start to get there... 430 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,068 - with two. - (audience gasps, screams) 431 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,703 Oh! 432 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:40,119 This is Albuquerque all over again! 433 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,954 At least this time, no one died. 434 00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,557 (sighs) What was I thinking? 435 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,593 I should have never agreed to use a monkey 436 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,061 - to save my relationship. - Excuse me? 437 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,764 What do you mean, save your relationship? 438 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:55,535 Uh... Sully and I have a backgammon game to finish. 439 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,939 Hey. What are you talking about? 440 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,342 Look, it's just, you and I 441 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,411 haven't been spending as much time together lately. 442 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:05,812 And I was starting to worry 443 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,146 that maybe you were losing interest in me. 444 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,249 So, Spencer got us a monkey to take care of 445 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,484 because he thought it would bring us closer together? 446 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,353 Uh, yeah. 447 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,855 I really thought I was gonna have to explain more. 448 00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,424 Actually, not such a bad idea. 449 00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:19,025 Thank you! 450 00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:22,495 You know, Freddie, in all my past relationships, 451 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,331 I always went too fast. 452 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:26,299 I just didn't wanna mess things up with you, 453 00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:27,734 so I've been taking it slow. 454 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,036 Oh, my God, I take things too fast, too. 455 00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:32,239 Normally at this stage of a relationship, I'd be married. 456 00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,741 You haven't even met my parents yet. 457 00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,844 You've met my parents, haven't you? 458 00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:40,513 It was a casual brunch. 459 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,315 And then two dinners. 460 00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,951 Damn it! How did you win already? 461 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,954 I'll tell you how. You cheated! 462 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:50,523 Don't think I've forgotten how you got us into trouble 463 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,759 at that monkey brothel in the Maldives. 464 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,262 Just take it. 465 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,898 Yeah, gloat. 466 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,772 Well, I thought it was just gonna be the two of us. 467 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,340 (clicks tongue) Told you she wouldn't like you 468 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,575 - being here. - Oh, no! 469 00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:11,077 No, I'm a real girls' girl. 470 00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:13,680 So, did I tell you I'm a stylist? 471 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,315 (imitating alarm) 472 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:16,649 Fun idea alert! 473 00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:19,952 Pick a year from 1743 until now, 474 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,422 and I'll give you all the names 475 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,392 of every Bae that year. 476 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:29,228 Maybe we could talk about something other than work. 477 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:32,031 - Tell me about your family. - The dolls are my family. 478 00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:34,066 And they're not wild about your questions. 479 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:38,905 Byron, I'm about to get up and walk away from you forever. 480 00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:41,240 But before I do, I need you to know 481 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,676 that it's not because you work in a doll store. 482 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,612 It's not even because you work in a doll store 483 00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,580 and you're incredibly creepy about it. 484 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,517 It's because you have shown no interest in me whatsoever, 485 00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,051 and I'm awesome. 486 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,687 (with British accent): Girl power! 487 00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,856 (gasps) 488 00:20:56,956 --> 00:21:00,793 Gemma, Nebraska, 1997. 489 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,062 Maybe we can push it as one of those 490 00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,831 "it's so ugly, it's cute" things. 491 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,599 It works for pugs. 492 00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,601 Hey, you really gotta run this stuff by me. 493 00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,437 You know you pay me, right? 494 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:12,672 I just wanted to be a role model. 495 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:13,973 You are. 496 00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,875 I mean, all these kids are here for you. 497 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:17,810 And like I said before, 498 00:21:17,910 --> 00:21:19,245 I'll support whatever you want to do. 499 00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,981 You know, you want me to push this horror show? 500 00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:24,351 We sold a lot worse on Italian QVC. 501 00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:25,718 You remember the egg coat? 502 00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:28,888 It literally cooked eggs in the sleeve. 503 00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:32,525 No, kids do not want this doll. 504 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,327 No, they want the hot doll. 505 00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:36,363 But I know that's not you. 506 00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:39,499 Well, maybe it doesn't have to be me. 507 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,970 Everyone, enjoy this nameless doll that isn't me! 508 00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:47,340 But she's sexy and an entrepreneur, 509 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,508 and you can be, too! 510 00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:51,177 Emily Ratajkowski wrote a book. 511 00:21:54,013 --> 00:21:55,882 Will you accept this, Rose? 512 00:21:57,183 --> 00:21:58,851 So pretty! 513 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:05,057 Well, good news, I got your name taken off every doll. 514 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,693 You won't earn a single cent, 515 00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:08,761 which means I won't earn a single cent. 516 00:22:08,861 --> 00:22:11,030 Integrity! It's great. 517 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,800 (sighs) You are no longer a USA Bae. 518 00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:15,568 Look, I'm really sorry 519 00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:18,004 that you have to send your coffee table back to Morocco. 520 00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:19,939 It's fine. No, it's just that thing 521 00:22:20,039 --> 00:22:22,274 was really gonna bring my living room together. 522 00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:25,412 But, glad you feel good about your decision. 523 00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:30,883 When I grow up, I wanna turn a profit by turning heads. 524 00:22:32,919 --> 00:22:35,354 Yep. Great. 525 00:22:37,156 --> 00:22:39,926 I need this monster in my life. 526 00:22:46,666 --> 00:22:48,000 Sully, I thought you had 527 00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:49,769 that early morning flight to Luxembourg. 528 00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,938 He has some unfinished business. 529 00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,706 He always does. 530 00:22:53,806 --> 00:22:55,174 Hey, can you get us some popsicles? 531 00:22:55,274 --> 00:22:57,076 Yeah, but there's only one grape one left, 532 00:22:57,176 --> 00:22:59,311 and you know Spencer's gonna be... 533 00:22:59,412 --> 00:23:00,480 (scream) 534 00:23:00,580 --> 00:23:03,182 (both laughing) 535 00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:07,119 And now, his business is finished. 536 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,396 * * 537 00:23:36,483 --> 00:23:38,384 Ooh! 538 00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:40,687 MAN: He hates these cans.