Gee, you know, I never imagined there was
something sex-related Pamela Anderson doesn't know.
All right, all right.
Now, speaking of sex... And I have to ask...
- Yes. - The tape.
Well, yeah, fellas, we all want to know.
- What tape, Jay? - All right, all right.
"What tape?" Yeah.
Now, obviously, I haven't seen it, you know.
- No, of course not. - I want to.
Just haven't gotten a copy yet, but...
There's a tape out there floating around, okay?
- Mm. - A lot of people are talking
about this tape, particularly, for some reason, men.
Ha. Imagine that.
Oh, I think we have it.
Now, what's that like, huh?
What's it like to have that kind of exposure?
- What's it like? - Yeah.
So fucking good!
You like that?
Yeah!
Oh!
Oh, yeah, baby! Fuck me!
Yeah. Fuck me!
Oh, fuck my tight, little pussy!
Oh, God.
Fuck!
Oh!
Oh.
♪ ♪
You okay, Rand? Yeah, all good.
♪ ♪
♪ We've come a long, long way together ♪
♪ Through the hard times and the good ♪
♪ I have to celebrate you, baby ♪
♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I have to celebrate you, baby ♪
♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I have to praise you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I have to praise you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I have to praise you ♪
♪ ♪
Yeah!
You like that?
Fuck me!
What's up, broskis?
How's it going?
♪ ♪
Good.
Rad.
This strong enough? - Yeah, plenty.
Uh, 1,000-pound max.
Whoo!
It's gonna be sick, yo.
You know what? What if the bed...
was over here?
Then you could be, like, chilling in bed,
taking in a little sexy shower action, and then...
bam!
Mirror opens!
Fucking full 360 view!
How fucking pimp would that be, huh?
Um...
you know, that's really more of a carpentry issue.
What do you say?
Uh...
I mean... - There a problem, bro?
I just finished this.
So? You yank out a couple of nails.
It's just a little more complicated than that.
How complicated can it be?
Couple of pieces of wood.
- It's not impossible, man. - Then what's the problem?
I mean, look, moving it at this stage,
it's gonna cost.
Cost?
I don't give a fuck about cost.
I sold 50 million albums.
You think I can't afford
to fucking move a bed ten feet to the left?
No, of course you can.
What'd I say when we first started this job?
Money is no object.
"Correctamundo."
Therefore, that being the case,
is there a reason you can't move the bed a few feet
to the left so that I can have a 360 view of the shower
and the retractable mirror?
Nope.
Great.
Then fucking do it.
Fucking dick.
I put the bed exactly where he said.
I know.
- We discussed it at length. - I was there.
I'm like, "Are you sure that's where you want the bed?"
He's like, "I'm positive."
And then he just changes his mind.
It's like, at least
take responsibility for it, you know, own up to it.
He acts like it's my fucking fault,
like I picked a bad spot for his bed.
It's the same shit he pulled with the light switches.
- I remember. - He said he wanted them high.
And then one day he comes in...
"No, no, no. I want them low."
That's bullshit, man. We heard you say high.
We all heard it. What's happening here?
Fucking rockstars.
It's gonna cost a grand
to move that bedframe, at least.
This guy already owes me $8,200.
Owes me almost $15,000.
You said he'd pay us half up front.
Are you sure? - Positive.
So what the fuck?
Also, whole job on my Discover card,
at 18% interest.
♪ ♪
Fucking rockstars.
♪ Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? ♪
♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth ♪
♪ They say in heaven, love comes first ♪
♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth ♪
♪ ♪
I mean, aren't you guys supposed to give me,
like, a final warning or something?
That is your warning. - Well, no, this is a notice.
Like, you didn't say, "If you don't pay your bill
by such and such day, we're gonna cut off your cable."
You know, that would be a warning.
Our records indicate you're three months past due.
Okay.
Well, thank you, Carol.
Ah! Fuck!
Ah! God damn it!
♪ ♪
♪ I'm wondering, darling ♪
♪ Why you went away ♪
♪ Oh, I'm wondering ♪
♪ Each and every day ♪
♪ Don't you know that I'm wondering ♪
♪ Why you hurt me so? ♪
♪ Oh, I'm wondering ♪
♪ Oh, why I love you so ♪
♪ Oh, my darling... ♪
♪ ♪
How much is this? - $8.62.
How much for two?
$5.33.
♪ ♪
♪ I can hardly see ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Can't pick up now... ♪
How's it going?
Oh. Good!
Yo, you should see what the love chef's cooking up.
- Yeah? - Tell them.
Uh, hey, yeah, it's a lot of stuff.
And, um, it's cool.
Dude, cool ain't the word, bro.
We're talking fucking futuristic,
state-of-the-art, Love Pad 2000.
- Yeah? - Stripper pole...
fucking open shower, shag-carpet walls...
- Oh, shit. - Chinese swing,
pillow pit, big-ass waterbed.
Bro, you ain't fucking around, huh?
I will be.
Me and Pam gonna make some babies.
Excuse me, sorry, did you say waterbed just now?
What?
Motherfucker wants a waterbed.
Are you sure he said that?
Water... bed.
Maybe he meant it, like, figuratively.
Waterbed is not a metaphor, man.
He meant... He meant a real waterbed.
Oh, my God, he is...
He's a fucking... Out of his mind is what he is.
A waterbed is a whole other setup.
You need a heater. You need a liner bed.
You need an elevated deck.
All that costs money, a fuckload of money.
You'll just have to explain it to him.
- Me? - You're the structure guy.
This is a budget issue!
Well, he's gonna have construction questions.
You're way better equipped to explain.
No, fuck. no! I'm not talking to that guy.
- Fine, we'll flip for it. - I would like that.
- Heads or tails? - Tails all day.
Heads.
♪ Get out of my face ♪
♪ You're a total damn disgrace ♪
♪ You can't tell me what to do ♪
♪ It's my world, bitch ♪
♪ Got your back to the wall ♪
♪ My world, bitch ♪
♪ You ain't got the balls ♪
You ain't got the balls! Whoo!
Ah! Ah, ah!
Hey.
Uh, yo, about the waterbed...
they're expensive, man.
What'd he say?
MINO? - Turn it over.
"Money is no object."
He says the waterbed is nonnegotiable,
that it's a key part of his vision.
Only if he pays up front, any and all overages.
Right, yes, yes.
- Good, you'll let him know. - Me?
- Oh, shit. - Whoa, dude.
- How fucking dope is that? - Dude.
Fucking Colt Combat Commander...
1911.
Custom-engraved fucking mother-of-pearl grip.
No! - Shit, you not.
What's one of these bad boys run you, huh?
- Aw, this little jammie? - Yeah.
Set me back about seven Gs... Worth every penny.
Best paparazzi repellant money can buy.
Blam! Whoo!
See ya, bitch.
So I talked to Lonnie, the contractor.
- I know who Lonnie is. - Oh, cool, yeah.
So we can do the waterbed. - Mm!
Right on.
It's gonna cost significantly more.
- Whatevs. - And...
It's just... - What?
We'd like you to pay us up front.
You think I'm not good for it?
No, obviously that's not the case, yeah.
I can't afford a waterbed?
I'm not saying that.
What the fuck you saying, bitch?
I'm not saying anything.
I'm saying nothing. I'm not saying shit.
Ah!
Nah, I'm funnin' you!
Dude, it's empty!
I'm... I'm funnin' you! - Fucking look at his face.
I'll pay up front.
No "problemo." He's got money, dude.
He's not poor.
I'm not opening it.
Not until I get fucking reimbursed for it.
I'll talk to him.
No.
I got this.
- What the fuck? - Uh, I'm... I'm sorry.
I thought... I'm sorry.
- I0 - I thought... I thought, uh, you were your husband.
- You thought I was my husband. - No, sorry.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Tommy!
What's up?
What happened?
♪ ♪
Rand. Rand.
Fucking dick.
- What the fuck, bro? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
You fucking perving on my wife?
- I was not! Please! - Hey, hey, hey.
She said you were full-on creeping.
I swear, I wasn't! I was not!
Oh, you calling my wife a liar?
No, no. It was a mistake, man, please!
I-I-I was looking for you. I was just looking for you.
The fuck you looking for me for?
Huh? - For the money.
The money.
We were very clear that before we do any more work,
we have to... We have to be reimbursed.
♪ ♪
That's all.
Hmm.
Look at this. Hmm?
Fucking shoddy-ass work.
What, the tiles? They're not sealed yet!
What the fuck kind of wood is this?
- That's Madagascan pine. - Hmm.
Hmm.
Looks cheap.
It's one of the most expensive woods on the planet.
Yeah.
You motherfuckers are fucking ripping me off.
- We're ripping you off? - Oh, yeah.
- You owe me $9,000, dude. - Me $17,000!
Running up a bunch of phony bullshit overages.
They're not overages. They're charges.
For our work.
Well, guess what.
You ain't getting dick,
'cause your work sucks and I'm fucking done.
- Done? - Yeah.
What does that mean?
It means you're fucking fired.
Get the fuck out of my house.
♪ ♪
We should sue.
We should sue his arrogant rockstar ass.
Legal fees...
They'd more than what he owes, if we even won.
Of course we'd win.
He'd probably hire some fucking dream team,
O.J.'s guys or some shit.
You're gonna let him bend you over and fuck you in the ass?
Pass the lube.
You know what?
It's all right...
because he will get what is coming to him.
- What you talking about? - I'm talking about karma.
Happiness comes due to good actions,
suffering results from evil actions.
The Mahabharata. - Mahabha what?
Mahabharata.
One of the two major Sanskrit epics of Ancient India,
the other one being the Ramayana,
which is also very good. - Huh?
I'm a bit of an amateur theologian.
I study religion.
Why?
Because it's beautiful.
The righteous, they get rewarded.
The wicked, they get punished.
- Mm, karma. - It's karma.
I hope the universe kicks that rockstar motherfucker
square in his nuts.
It will.
I have full fucking faith.
♪ ♪
Fuck.
Hello? - Hey, Kenzo, Rand Gauthier.
Could you buzz me in please real quick?
Who?
Rand Gauthier, I'm the carpenter.
You have an appointment?
No, I'm part... I've...
I've been working here the last few months,
and I-I just forgot some stuff.
I came here to grab it real quick.
Mr. Lee, he know you coming?
Uh-huh.
♪ ♪
Hey. Thanks so much, Kenzo.
Forgot my keys, you know, so...
Let yourself out.
♪ ♪
Hello?
♪ ♪
Freeze, motherfucker!
♪ ♪
Turn around!
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Just getting my tools.
♪ ♪
Your tools. - Yeah.
Nuh-uh, bro.
That shit is mine.
That is fucking collateral for leaving me in the lurch.
You fired us.
Now I got to bring in a whole new crew.
Do you have any idea what that's gonna cost?
A fucking fortune.
After all that, you think I'm gonna just
let you waltz back in here to take back your tools?
Dude!
You ain't walking out of here with shit!
You ain't walking out with a fucking wingnut.
Put down the toolbox.
♪ ♪
Now get the fuck off my property.
♪ ♪
Come on, Bev, just this once.
Oh, it's always just this once.
Look, you take him tonight.
I'll do the next three weekends, I swear.
What's her name? Whose name?
The floozy that's more important than your son.
There's no floozy. On, no?
Then what's the big emergency?
Well, something came up, all right?
I got plans. Plans?
Yeah, that's right. What kind of plans?
The kind of plans that are none
of your fucking business!
Now, are you gonna help me or not?
Fine! Fuck it!
♪ Sunny ♪
♪ Yesterday my life was filled with rain ♪
♪ Sunny, you smiled at me and really eased the pain ♪
♪ Oh, the dark days are done, the bright days are here ♪
♪ My sunny one shines so sincere ♪
♪ Sunny one so true, I love you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sunny, thank you for that sunshine bouquet ♪
♪ Sunny ♪
♪ Thank you for the love you've brought my way ♪
Listen, buddy,
under no circumstances are you allowed to leave this room.
Understood?
♪ Sunny one so true, I love you ♪
♪ Sunny, thank you for the truth you let me see ♪
♪ Sunny, thank you for the facts from A to Z ♪
♪ My life was torn like windblown sand... ♪
We did Bye Bye Birdie together,
on Broadway.
He's a great guy.
Speaking of great guys,
you know who I had lunch with the other day?
Who? Robert Vaughn.
Robert Vaughn?
You know everyone. That's right.
You're right I do.
♪ ♪
You're a worthless piece of shit.
♪ ♪
Mm-hmm.
Hmm. Hello.
We're gonna take that asshole down a peg.
I thought karma was handling that.
I am karma.
And I'm a bitch.
♪ ♪
♪ You let me violate you ♪
♪ You let me desecrate you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You let me penetrate you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You let me complicate you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Help me, I broke apart my insides ♪
♪ Help me, I've got no soul to sell ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Help me, the only thing that works for me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Help me get away from myself ♪
♪ I wanna fuck you like an animal ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I wanna feel you from the inside ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I wanna fuck you like an animal ♪
♪ ♪
♪ My whole existence is flawed ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You get me closer to God ♪
♪ ♪
Man, long time, no see.
What the fuck is this?
♪ ♪
The times the new crew came and went
in August and September...
paparazzi arrivals and departures...
Tommy and Pamela sleep hours.
♪ ♪
Damn.
Are you ready?
Yes. We certainly are.
We enter here, the shortest point in the fence.
We exit through here.
This gate opens automatically from the inside.
Easy-peasy.
Not so fast.
There's still the not-so-small issue of the security camera.
Disable it.
They'll still see us on the approach.
Aren't we gonna be, like,
wearing some ski masks or something?
Disguising our identity is not the problem.
This security camera is connected
to a 24-hour offsite surveillance team.
They see us coming, cops will be rolling up
before we get to the garage.
So we're screwed.
Not if they don't see us coming.
You really think this is gonna work?
The quality on these cameras is shit.
As long as we stay on all fours,
we will look like that dog.
- I don't know about this, man. - I used to install them, okay?
The feed, it's like the fucking moon landing.
Okay, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
You're getting cold feet on me.
- We could go to jail. - No one's going to jail.
It's...
It's a crime. We're committing a crime.
All we're doing is getting our money back
in a slightly different form.
- The stuff in there... - Yeah.
- What if it's worth more? - Than he owes us?
- Mm-hmm. - That is "compentory" damages
for our pain and our suffering.
People spill hot coffee on themselves at McDonald's,
they get $50 million.
You don't think, after the hell he put us through,
we deserve a measly couple hundred grand?
I think we do.
Isn't it "compensatory"?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Compensatory damages.
"Compentory."
I'm pretty sure the word is "compensatory."
"Compentory."
"Compensatory."
Hello?
Tomorrow, 0300 hours, we strike.
Hello?
You there?
Yo, what's the matter, man?
Um, look, Rand, I don't think I'm gonna go with you, man.
What do you mean?
Motherfucker!
♪ ♪
Shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
♪ ♪
Oh, shit. Fuck. Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
♪ ♪
- Good morning, my sweet love. - Mm.
I'll go make some coffee.
I think we're out.
There's more in the garage.
♪ ♪
How's it going?
Yeah, it's good.
Word.
♪ ♪
♪ I was blind, now I can see ♪
♪ You made a believer out of me ♪
♪ I was blind, now I can see ♪
♪ You made a believer out of me ♪
♪ I'm moving on up now ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Getting out of the darkness ♪
♪ ♪
♪ My light shines on, my light shines on ♪
♪ My light shines on ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I was lost, now I'm found ♪
♪ I believe in you, I got no bounds ♪
♪ I was lost, now I'm found ♪
♪ I believe in you, I got no bounds ♪
♪ I'm moving on up now ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Getting out of the darkness ♪
♪ ♪
♪ My light shines on, my light shines on ♪
♪ My light shines on... ♪
And can't we take that stupid thing off him?
No, the vet said if he scratches the scabs,
they'll never heal.
And I have noticed, if you sit him next to the telly,
Channel 5 comes in a lot clearer.
Look at him. He's humiliated.
♪ ♪
Ingley Studios.
Yes, is Miltie there, please?
Who may I say is calling?
Austin Moore.
I'm afraid that's not good enough.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to review your briefs.
Well, my briefs are right here.
♪ ♪
Great. Slow... slow down, Jeff.
All right, now really get in there.
Yeah, give her the full menu.
Steve, bring this PAR can up, bump it up to 50.
Austin?
Hey.
What's shaking, man? Long time.
- I know. it's been forever. - What brings you by?
You looking for work? Carpentry? Anal?
I was actually... I was... Do you have a minute?
♪ ♪
Yeah, I got about ten.
All right, just keep it slow.
Come on.
Business looks like it's going great.
Dude, the Valley's fucking booming.
AVN projects we're gonna hit $3 billion by 1997.
$3 billion?
Did you know more people
are now watching movies at home on VHS than in theaters?
- Seriously? - Yeah. Traci.
Hey, is that the new thing? Is it called a landing strip?
Yeah. - I love it, I love it.
You should do one, too.
- Hey, Traci. - Jeff, you're up in 25.
Let's get it stiff.
Yeah, the VCR is king.
And we have just the hard black object people want
to stick in their slots.
I'm thinking about opening
my own chain of adult video stores...
Cockbuster.
Like Blockbuster but cock.
Exactly.
Wow.
Oh, shit.
Look how young I look.
Remember this?
Mm, that thing is still on our back catalog top 25.
Totally deserves to be.
So what'd you want to talk about?
Can you play Hi-8?
Yeah, that's what we do.
All right.
Let's see what we got.
♪ Got boned ♪
Yeah, and he had a big penis.
How big was it, though?
Yeah, how big...?
What the fuck is this?
Just fast forward.
Holy shit, that's Pamela Anderson.
Uh, yeah, it is.
Where you going? - Keep going.
Who's this guy?
Tommy Lee.
Dickhead.
Keep going forward.
Where'd you get this?
Just... just keep fast forwarding.
Go back, go back, go back.
Play, play, play.
Baby, I love you so fucking much.
Yeah, give it to me. You're my fucking wife.
I want one of those babies. Yeah, give it to me, babe!
Fuck!
Baby.
Holy fuck.
Oh, yeah.
♪ ♪
♪ Have you ever thought how small you are ♪
♪ In the world today? ♪
♪ Well, I have, I have ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Have you ever thought about the universe ♪
♪ Or the Milky Way? ♪
♪ Well, I have, I have ♪
♪ ♪
♪ But to me, you're great, baby ♪
♪ You'll never be small ♪
♪ You'll always stand out far above them all ♪
♪ You're like shooting stars and brilliant lights ♪
♪ Fancy cars and wonderful sights ♪
♪ And you're mine, baby ♪
♪ Yes, you're mine baby ♪
♪ And I have, I have you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Have you ever thought that you're, oh, so small? ♪
♪ Maybe you would like to be great ♪
♪ Well, I have, I have ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You're the only one I can see ♪
♪ You're the only one for me ♪
♪ 'Cause you're fine, baby ♪
♪ Yes, you're fine, baby ♪
♪ And I have, I have ♪