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JOHN LURIE: Previously on
Painting with John...
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(ALL VOCALIZE)
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♪ ("PAINTING WITH JOHN
NEW OPENING"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- Hello.
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(VOCALIZES)
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Welcome to Painting with John.
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♪ ("HUM BA"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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(VOCALIZES)
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♪ Ah, yeah, yeah
Ah, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Ah, yeah, yeah
Ah, ooh, hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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- ♪ Hey! ♪
- ♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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Oh, hello.
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You know...
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I don't know why
they gave me my own show
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'cause I'm a mess.
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Really. (CHUCKLES)
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We started out doing this
as it was just gonna be
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these little clips
that we posted on social media
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to cheer people up but...
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the world is getting
to me lately.
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I really thought, by this point,
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the human beings
would be doing better.
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So I'm going
through a grim period.
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And I can't even cheer
my own self up.
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So you people are on your own.
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Sorry.
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♪ ("GB-14"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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(BIRDS CHIRPING)
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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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JOHN:
We had to go back to New York,
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and on the way back here...
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First, we're taking
a Lyft to the airport,
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and there's this guy
blocking three lanes,
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like at the departure thing.
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And the Lyft driver
politely asked him
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to just move his car
a little bit
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and he starts screaming.
And then...
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we go to check in
at the curbside thing,
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and they say,
"No, you have to go inside."
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So we go inside, stand in line,
and get to the end.
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"Now you have
to go back outside." Okay.
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And this woman
with her luggage cart
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just smashes into my leg,
into my Achilles, and--
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I went, "Ow!"
And she looks at me and says,
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"Well, you veered into me."
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And then she laughs
and then kept walking--
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I mean, it's just like, why...
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So even if it was--
I had veered into her,
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which I'm pretty sure I hadn't,
and it was entirely my fault,
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that she hurt somebody else
and then just--
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just a weird fucking...
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Then we get to the gate,
and the flight's two hours late,
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and they call my row,
and so I go.
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And there's a huge crowd
in front trying to, you know.
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The attendant says,
"What are you doing?"
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I said,
"Well, you called my row."
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And she says, "Let me see!"
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She takes my passport
and my boarding pass,
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she says, "Wait right here."
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But there's a lot of people
right here, and it's like...
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(INHALES DEEPLY)
And so, I waited for ten minutes
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and then I said, "Fuck this."
And I went back, you know.
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And then I saw the crowd
sort of start to move forward,
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so then I went back
to my spot and she goes,
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"I told you not to move."
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I said, "Well,
you know, there is COVID."
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"Well, you're wearing a mask,
you won't get it."
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I said, "Okay." And...
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"Now, wait right here."
I go and wait right there
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for another ten minutes,
and then they say, "Uh,
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you know, the flight's
even more delayed."
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So we go
and sit down in that area.
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And I'm thinking...
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"I think I'll never leave
the house again."
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It's like the human beings
are just getting so ugly.
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I... It's just... And this--
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It's getting to me.
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So across from us,
there's a family.
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Muslim family.
She's-- Head's covered.
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This daughter, young daughter,
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sitting reading a book,
but she keeps falling asleep.
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And the older daughter
is really uncomfortable.
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She's too dignified
to lie down on the floor
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and sleep.
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They've obviously
been through something,
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you know,
and they've been travelling
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and they're
going through something.
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And the father is just kinda...
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Tough looking guy.
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Whose strong
and has the face of,
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if you were casting a movie
and want--
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needed somebody to be a...
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an enforcer for the Chechen mob,
you would hire him.
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He was a tough looking guy.
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And his daughter...
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who...
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is clearly exhausted,
and she sort of climbs
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into his lap.
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But now she's like
11 or 12 years old,
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and this might have worked
two years ago,
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but now, it's like,
arms and legs everywhere
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and she can't get comfortable,
and he's trying really hard,
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though he's clearly exhausted,
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but to put his body in a way
that she can fall asleep on him.
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And he's really
patient with her,
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and it's kind of beautiful
to watch.
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So finally she gets
into this position now
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where she's comfortable
with one arm going this way,
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and-- But, he's--
And he's sort of holding her.
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But the sun is coming
through the window,
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right into her eyes.
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And this motherfucker, man,
it was so-- just so beautiful.
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He takes his hand
and he holds his hand
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about two inches
from her face to block the sun.
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And then he just sat there,
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for as long as
I was still there,
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for, like, 45 minutes,
he sat there with it.
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And I was like, "Okay."
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And then I came back
a little bit on the humans.
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I gave them another chance.
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♪ ("TWO RED BIRDS
WITH MANY HANKS"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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(INHALES SHARPLY)
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Wow!
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(EXHALES SHARPLY)
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Well, look at this.
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It's the face of Jesus.
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Do you see it?
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Oh, damn!
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Ow!
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It's Jesus again.
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Two Jesuses.
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♪ ("HERMITS UNITE"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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JOHN: I wanted
to show you this place...
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because it's beautiful here.
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We have this innate drive
once we see a place like this,
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to build something.
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A hotel, a casino, a car wash.
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Whatever.
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This impulse,
this drive to produce things,
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to increase production,
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has served human beings well
for a long time.
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It improved our lives.
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But now we have
to curb this impulse.
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The planet wants no more of it.
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Of course,
there are the horrors of greed
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and corruption and oil spills.
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But your job
for now is just to do less.
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We have to slow things
to a halt.
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Hermits unite.
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Boycott everything.
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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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Vince Lombardi.
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It-- It's Vince Lo--
Can you see it?
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It's Vince Lombardi.
Clearly, you can--
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Yeah? And you see,
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this says "HOF",
which means Hall of Fame.
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"Hall of Fame coach,
Vince Lombardi."
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Can you read it?
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(DOG BARKING)
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"HOF coach, Vince Lombardi."
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Yeah. (BREATHES DEEPLY)
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I'm gonna save these.
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This show got 100 percent
on Rotten Tomatoes,
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which apparently is a big deal.
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Yet we won no awards.
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I have a feeling they don't know
how to categorize it.
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My best guess is,
it's a variety show.
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♪ ("HABBA HAPPATOO
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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JOHN: ♪ Hey, habba happatoo
Habba happatee, habba happatoo ♪
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♪ Whoa, habba happatoo ♪
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♪ Habba, ha, ha
Habba happatoo, happatoo ♪
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♪ Have a happatoo, ha
Habba happatoo ♪
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♪ Happatoo
Have a happatoo, happatoo ♪
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♪ Have a happatee, happatoo
Ho, ho ♪
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♪ Happatee, happatee
Habba happatoo, ho ♪
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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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JOHN: Clams.
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Clams.
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Clams with tartar sauce.
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And some fried fish
with tartar sauce.
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Hmm.
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Tartar sauce.
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It's good.
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♪ ("HELIUM BALLOON"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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(INHALES SHARPLY) Ouch! Ouch!
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Well, that's Jimmy Hoffa.
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Pretty sure.
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00:17:08,999 --> 00:17:10,269
Jimmy Hoffa.
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00:17:11,568 --> 00:17:14,573
Maybe it's not Jimmy Hoffa.
I don't know who that is.
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Jimmy Hoffa.
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Yeah, Jimmy Hoffa.
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I would like to now warn you
about the horrendous dangers
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- of binge watching.
- ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
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I have been addicted
to several things in this life.
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00:17:34,656 --> 00:17:40,165
But there is nothing as heinous
as the perils of binge watching.
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I understand how it can happen.
It has happened to me.
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You come home,
you've had a hard day,
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00:17:48,270 --> 00:17:50,972
could've been a good day,
could've been a bad day,
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00:17:50,972 --> 00:17:52,907
but you're really, really tired.
211
00:17:52,907 --> 00:17:55,847
But you're not the kind of tired
where you want to go to sleep.
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So you think
you'll watch something
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on one of the many
streaming services,
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and you find
a show that has this actor
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00:18:06,154 --> 00:18:08,891
that was really compelling
in something else,
216
00:18:08,891 --> 00:18:11,293
they were just marvelous.
217
00:18:11,293 --> 00:18:14,329
And so you pick the show
that they're in.
218
00:18:14,329 --> 00:18:16,159
And it starts, and the music,
219
00:18:16,159 --> 00:18:20,335
right off the bat, the music
is bland and pedestrian,
220
00:18:20,335 --> 00:18:23,572
and the writing
is just terrible.
221
00:18:23,572 --> 00:18:25,877
And this actor
that you've seen before...
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00:18:27,144 --> 00:18:29,244
they're not so good in this.
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They seem to have sunk
to the level of the other acting
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and the writing.
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And at the end of the episode,
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there's a little box
that comes up that says,
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"Next episode."
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This little box is your enemy.
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But you're not quite sleepy yet.
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You're not ready
to go to sleep yet.
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So you click on the little box.
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Episode two is even worse
than episode one.
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It's like the writers
put all the good stuff
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00:18:55,303 --> 00:18:57,605
into episode one
and now it's really bad,
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but all these complicated plots
are introduced.
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And...
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at the end of episode two
is where your problems
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00:19:09,084 --> 00:19:10,655
really begin.
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And it's not your fault.
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It happens.
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00:19:17,028 --> 00:19:21,433
But when the box that says
"next episode" comes up...
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you don't know why,
but you click it.
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00:19:30,941 --> 00:19:32,611
At six o'clock in the morning...
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00:19:34,678 --> 00:19:38,250
on episode seven,
when the little box comes up,
245
00:19:38,983 --> 00:19:40,552
you pause it for a moment.
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00:19:41,252 --> 00:19:42,750
You rush to use the bathroom,
247
00:19:42,750 --> 00:19:45,690
look in the mirror and see
you're not looking very good.
248
00:19:46,758 --> 00:19:48,151
You send out emails,
249
00:19:48,151 --> 00:19:50,829
cancelling all your appointments
for the next day.
250
00:19:53,064 --> 00:19:54,529
The sun is going down,
251
00:19:54,529 --> 00:19:57,269
and you're on season two,
episode four.
252
00:19:59,136 --> 00:20:00,605
This goes on...
253
00:20:01,673 --> 00:20:04,543
and on and on.
254
00:20:05,510 --> 00:20:07,842
Next episode, "click."
255
00:20:07,842 --> 00:20:10,379
You get up to use the bathroom
and you look a little worse.
256
00:20:10,379 --> 00:20:14,686
You grab a bag of chips,
and you watch into the next day.
257
00:20:16,387 --> 00:20:19,088
Days go by of this.
258
00:20:19,088 --> 00:20:21,991
You don't answer your phone,
you don't answer your emails,
259
00:20:21,991 --> 00:20:23,895
you don't respond to text.
260
00:20:24,895 --> 00:20:26,361
Three weeks go by,
261
00:20:26,361 --> 00:20:29,768
and your friends and family
come to do an intervention.
262
00:20:31,535 --> 00:20:35,440
But you've boarded up the doors,
they'll never get in.
263
00:20:37,876 --> 00:20:39,341
And it goes on like this,
264
00:20:39,341 --> 00:20:42,481
into season seven,
and your life is ruined.
265
00:20:45,016 --> 00:20:47,249
And you tell yourself...
266
00:20:47,249 --> 00:20:49,985
that you just want to know
how the thing resolves.
267
00:20:49,985 --> 00:20:51,456
That's what you want.
268
00:20:52,623 --> 00:20:54,489
But that--
You know that's not really true
269
00:20:54,489 --> 00:20:56,358
'cause you've watched
this kind of shit before,
270
00:20:56,358 --> 00:20:57,992
and the last episode,
it's always--
271
00:20:57,992 --> 00:21:02,197
Gets tied up really quickly
in some just ridiculous way.
272
00:21:02,197 --> 00:21:03,498
"Oh, he killed 11 people,
273
00:21:03,498 --> 00:21:06,035
but the police find out
the other guy was the bad guy,
274
00:21:06,035 --> 00:21:07,502
so it's fine."
275
00:21:07,502 --> 00:21:10,238
"Oh, the plane crash.
She wasn't on the pl--"
276
00:21:10,238 --> 00:21:12,141
I mean,
it's just always nonsense.
277
00:21:12,141 --> 00:21:14,409
They just tie it together
with nonsense.
278
00:21:14,409 --> 00:21:16,978
And some part of your brain
is telling you,
279
00:21:16,978 --> 00:21:21,282
"No. You are just avoiding life.
280
00:21:21,282 --> 00:21:23,283
That's why
you're watching this."
281
00:21:25,289 --> 00:21:27,522
The only advice I have here is,
282
00:21:27,522 --> 00:21:28,690
if you're going
to watch something
283
00:21:28,690 --> 00:21:30,791
on one of
the streaming services,
284
00:21:30,791 --> 00:21:34,062
make sure it only has
no more than three seasons.
285
00:21:34,062 --> 00:21:35,263
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
286
00:21:35,263 --> 00:21:37,598
And my promise to you is...
287
00:21:37,598 --> 00:21:40,335
there will be nothing
at the end of this show
288
00:21:40,335 --> 00:21:42,507
that makes you want
to keep watching.
289
00:21:45,909 --> 00:21:49,614
Except episode two,
I think, is really special.
290
00:21:56,286 --> 00:22:00,025
- Next on Painting with John...
- ♪ ("JOHN GUN WALK"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
291
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,121
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
292
00:22:33,121 --> 00:22:40,432
{\an8}♪ ("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING) ♪
293
00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:24,937
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪