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JOHN LURIE: Previously,
on Painting with John...

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♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

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♪ ("PAINTING WITH JOHN
NEW OPENING" PLAYING) ♪

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♪ Ah-dee ♪

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♪ Ah-da ♪

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♪ Ah-dee ♪

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♪ Ah-da ♪

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♪ Ha-dee ♪

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♪ Ah-da ♪

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♪ Ha-dee ♪

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-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ah-da ♪

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-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪

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♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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♪ Ah-da ♪

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Ah! Ah! Ah!

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Oh.

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♪ ("A GOAT SAYS FUCK"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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-♪ A goat says fuck
A goat says ♪
- ♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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-♪ A goat says fuck
A goat says ♪
- ♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ A goat says fuck a goat says
A goat says fuck a goat says ♪

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♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

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♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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Used to be, if you googled
my name,

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the worst photograph of me ever
was what showed up.

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It was in a nightclub,
in the bathroom,

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at five o'clock in the morning,
from about 20 years ago,

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and I'm just like...
I just look so fucked up.

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You know, that thing

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where the eyes
are kind of half open.

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It looks like I was asleep
on the floor. I mean...

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So we tried
to get it taken down.

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It was on Getty, so we wrote
to Getty and they said

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no, they don't do that.
And we explained,

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"Look, this is
an unauthorized photograph,

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taken at five o'clock
in the morning,

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in a public restroom."

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And they said, "Okay,
we'll do this as a courtesy."

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But then the photo remained.

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It was still there,
when you googled my name...

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(MUMBLES)

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(CHUCKLES) It was so bad. And...

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So, then we--

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Then it linked
to the photographer's site.

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So we wrote to him.

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And he said, "Well,
this is a matter of opinion.

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I think John looks
very good there."

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I look like the gooniest person
who ever lived.

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"I think John looks good there,
and I like the photograph.

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And, so no,
I don't wanna take it down.

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If John wants to buy
the photograph

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and own the copyright,
well, then,

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for 3,000 dollars, I can--
That photo will be taken down."

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"I'm not gonna pay him
the money to take that down.

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It's just wrong."

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But then when this show,
Painting with John came out

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and there was enough stuff
to knock this thing

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off the Google search...

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I was almost disappointed
'cause it was so awful

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that I kinda grew to love it.

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I was disappointed
in a way when it was gone.

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I mean,
I hope it doesn't come back

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but it was a--
It was somewhat of a loss.

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I'm just thinking about this guy
who makes a living,

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lurking in bathrooms...

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taking pictures of people...

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so that they'll pay him
to make them go away.

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What? (SCOFFS, STAMMERS)

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So somebody contacts him,

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"Please,
your photograph is horrible,

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please, take it down.
I'll give you 3,000 dollars.

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Here's your 3,000 dollars."
And he goes, "Yeah!"

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(CHUCKLES) What the fuck?

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What the fuck?

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♪ ("THE SNAKE THAT PROTECTS
TEETH" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

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♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

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JOHN: Coming up next,
on Painting with John...

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(BIRDS CHIRPING)

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♪ ("MILLION DOLLAR SUITCASE"
PLAYING) ♪

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NESRIN WOLF: (YELLING) Annie!

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(YELLS) Annie!

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Can you help me with this?

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One step closer.

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-(SIGHS) Okay.
-(LOCK CLACKING)

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Okay. Look.

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(GASPS)

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NESRIN: One million dollars.

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I counted it.

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-Where did it come from?
-I have no idea.

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Maybe it came from some
higher financial service.

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Is that a thing?

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JOHN: So here's what happens.

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♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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This painting was gonna be...

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a snake protecting teeth.

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I'd gone to the dentist and...

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one of the x-rays of my teeth
was just amazing looking.

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So we took a photograph of it
and I painted it

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in the middle of this painting

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and then I made
this snake going around it.

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But it lay against the wall...

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for like a month...
I almost left it alone.

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I didn't touch it.
Didn't touch it.

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And I just started to add
these little shapes and icons

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around it
to just sort of finish it off.

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And then...

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So I painted
a yellow dot right here.

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Just the yellow dot,
this other stuff wasn't there.

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And then it became a face.

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So then when I tried to get rid
of the yellow dot to make--

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'Cause I didn't want a face,
it became more of a face.

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And now I'm fucked.
I can't figure out

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how to get rid of this thing
right here,

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to make it no longer a face.

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Ow, ow, ow!

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Oh, that's Piers Morgan.

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B.

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I'm putting him back in,
so maybe I'll get somebody else.

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Madame Blavatsky.

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(GASPS) Ow! Ow! Oh. Joan of Arc.

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♪ ("HOG HEAD BLUE" PLAYING) ♪

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♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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(BIRDS CHIRPING)

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JOHN: I've taken
the painting table

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outside today.

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Nesrin has a penchant
for small talk.

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And I hate small talk.

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When she drinks too much coffee,

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it's like she is invading
my mind and breaking in.

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♪ ("SHE TALKS TO TOASTERS"
PLAYING) ♪

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JOHN: But to be fair,

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Nesrin's adorableness
has helped me keep going

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during some really rough periods
in my life.

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She does this thing

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where she talks
to inanimate objects.

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If the toaster is on the same
setting but burns her toast,

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she asks,
"Why did you do that, toaster?

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Why would you do such a thing?"

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And I said, "Should I be
worried about this?"

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And she says, "You should
only be worried about this,

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if the inanimate objects
begin to talk back."

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She just moves my heart.

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The cuteness of her
moves my heart

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and makes me wanna survive.

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During the pandemic,
we were stuck in New York.

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We weren't down here.

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We were in this tiny apartment
in New York City.

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And this apartment
wasn't meant for two people

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who aren't together.

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While one was going down,
the other one would rise up

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and be adorable.

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You know, not this phony,
cute shit, just--

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I really don't know
how to explain it,

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or what to call it.
But I think you get the idea.

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And we would be adorable
for each other.

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And when it comes down to it,
when you really think about it,

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that's the only way
the human race survives,

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is through adorableness.

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If a baby wasn't cute,
who would care for it?

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It's cuteness, it elicits
this response from the heart

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that makes you wanna protect it.

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-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-JOHN: So be cute. Be adorable.

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The people in your life
deserve it.

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I think I fixed it.

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♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

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NESRIN: They were sleeping here.

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JOHN: Oh.

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-(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
-JOHN: I think I got him.

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♪ Ah-dee ♪

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♪ Ah-da ♪

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♪ Ah-dee ♪

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♪ Ah-da ♪

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♪ Ah-dee ♪

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♪ Ah-da ♪

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-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪

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-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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JOHN: Seabiscuit.

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Madame Bovary.

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Madame Blavatsky.

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Abraham Lincoln.

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Johnny Unitas.

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-Vince Lombardi.
-(PLATE CLATTERS)

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JOHN: Mary Magdalene.

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Jesus.

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And Jesus again.

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That's beautiful.

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I wonder I should maybe
send them to the Smithsonian

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or something.

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What am I gonna do with them?

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(RAIN PATTERING)

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00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,088
(DOG BARKING)

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00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,054
(THUNDER RUMBLING)

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00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,732
♪ ("ORANGE SUNSETS
WITH OCTAVES" PLAYING) ♪

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00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,987
(BIRDS CHIRPING)

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♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:57,243
♪ ("ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS
SOMETHING DELIGHTFUL" PLAYING) ♪

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Once...

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Once...

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00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,216
Once upon a time...

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Once upon a time,
there was something.

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00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:23,144
Once upon a time,
there was something

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that was...

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00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,193
No, I can't quite remember.
Once upon a time,

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there was something. It was...

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It was kinda big.

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Wait, once...

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Once upon a time...

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Once upon a time,
there was something.

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Once upon a time,
there was something that was...

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00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:56,094
that was-- Oh, I'm not sure
if I can remember this.

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How it goes. Once upon a time...

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Oh. Once upon a time... Oh, man.

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00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:08,356
Once upon a time,
there was something.

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It was something really--
It was quite beautiful.

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It was delightful.

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Yeah. Yeah, just imagine
something delightful.

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00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:25,457
Once upon a time,
there was something delightful.

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Yeah. Okay, I'm okay with this.
Hope you're okay with this.

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Once upon a time there was
something that was delightful.

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Ah. That was good.

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00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:46,478
Ah. Ah. Ah.

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Don't you think? We're okay now.

239
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:53,651
We're all right. We're okay.

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I am going back to sleep.
See you.

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00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,333
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:11,378
JOHN: Next time,
on Painting with John...

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00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:13,713
♪ ("NESRIN'S GUN WALK"
PLAYING) ♪

244
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:47,831
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

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00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:51,626
♪ ("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY
THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING) ♪

246
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:33,895
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪