JOHN LURIE: Previously, on Painting with John...
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♪ ("PAINTING WITH JOHN NEW OPENING" PLAYING) ♪
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Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh.
♪ ("A GOAT SAYS FUCK" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
-♪ A goat says fuck A goat says ♪ - ♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
-♪ A goat says fuck A goat says ♪ - ♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
♪ A goat says fuck a goat says A goat says fuck a goat says ♪
♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪
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Used to be, if you googled my name,
the worst photograph of me ever was what showed up.
It was in a nightclub, in the bathroom,
at five o'clock in the morning, from about 20 years ago,
and I'm just like... I just look so fucked up.
You know, that thing
where the eyes are kind of half open.
It looks like I was asleep on the floor. I mean...
So we tried to get it taken down.
It was on Getty, so we wrote to Getty and they said
no, they don't do that. And we explained,
"Look, this is an unauthorized photograph,
taken at five o'clock in the morning,
in a public restroom."
And they said, "Okay, we'll do this as a courtesy."
But then the photo remained.
It was still there, when you googled my name...
(MUMBLES)
(CHUCKLES) It was so bad. And...
So, then we--
Then it linked to the photographer's site.
So we wrote to him.
And he said, "Well, this is a matter of opinion.
I think John looks very good there."
I look like the gooniest person who ever lived.
"I think John looks good there, and I like the photograph.
And, so no, I don't wanna take it down.
If John wants to buy the photograph
and own the copyright, well, then,
for 3,000 dollars, I can-- That photo will be taken down."
"I'm not gonna pay him the money to take that down.
It's just wrong."
But then when this show, Painting with John came out
and there was enough stuff to knock this thing
off the Google search...
I was almost disappointed 'cause it was so awful
that I kinda grew to love it.
I was disappointed in a way when it was gone.
I mean, I hope it doesn't come back
but it was a-- It was somewhat of a loss.
I'm just thinking about this guy who makes a living,
lurking in bathrooms...
taking pictures of people...
so that they'll pay him to make them go away.
What? (SCOFFS, STAMMERS)
So somebody contacts him,
"Please, your photograph is horrible,
please, take it down. I'll give you 3,000 dollars.
Here's your 3,000 dollars." And he goes, "Yeah!"
(CHUCKLES) What the fuck?
What the fuck?
♪ ("THE SNAKE THAT PROTECTS TEETH" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
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JOHN: Coming up next, on Painting with John...
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
♪ ("MILLION DOLLAR SUITCASE" PLAYING) ♪
NESRIN WOLF: (YELLING) Annie!
(YELLS) Annie!
Can you help me with this?
One step closer.
-(SIGHS) Okay. -(LOCK CLACKING)
Okay. Look.
(GASPS)
NESRIN: One million dollars.
I counted it.
-Where did it come from? -I have no idea.
Maybe it came from some higher financial service.
Is that a thing?
JOHN: So here's what happens.
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This painting was gonna be...
a snake protecting teeth.
I'd gone to the dentist and...
one of the x-rays of my teeth was just amazing looking.
So we took a photograph of it and I painted it
in the middle of this painting
and then I made this snake going around it.
But it lay against the wall...
for like a month... I almost left it alone.
I didn't touch it. Didn't touch it.
And I just started to add these little shapes and icons
around it to just sort of finish it off.
And then...
So I painted a yellow dot right here.
Just the yellow dot, this other stuff wasn't there.
And then it became a face.
So then when I tried to get rid of the yellow dot to make--
'Cause I didn't want a face, it became more of a face.
And now I'm fucked. I can't figure out
how to get rid of this thing right here,
to make it no longer a face.
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, that's Piers Morgan.
B.
I'm putting him back in, so maybe I'll get somebody else.
Madame Blavatsky.
(GASPS) Ow! Ow! Oh. Joan of Arc.
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(BIRDS CHIRPING)
JOHN: I've taken the painting table
outside today.
Nesrin has a penchant for small talk.
And I hate small talk.
When she drinks too much coffee,
it's like she is invading my mind and breaking in.
♪ ("SHE TALKS TO TOASTERS" PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: But to be fair,
Nesrin's adorableness has helped me keep going
during some really rough periods in my life.
She does this thing
where she talks to inanimate objects.
If the toaster is on the same setting but burns her toast,
she asks, "Why did you do that, toaster?
Why would you do such a thing?"
And I said, "Should I be worried about this?"
And she says, "You should only be worried about this,
if the inanimate objects begin to talk back."
She just moves my heart.
The cuteness of her moves my heart
and makes me wanna survive.
During the pandemic, we were stuck in New York.
We weren't down here.
We were in this tiny apartment in New York City.
And this apartment wasn't meant for two people
who aren't together.
While one was going down, the other one would rise up
and be adorable.
You know, not this phony, cute shit, just--
I really don't know how to explain it,
or what to call it. But I think you get the idea.
And we would be adorable for each other.
And when it comes down to it, when you really think about it,
that's the only way the human race survives,
is through adorableness.
If a baby wasn't cute, who would care for it?
It's cuteness, it elicits this response from the heart
that makes you wanna protect it.
-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ -JOHN: So be cute. Be adorable.
The people in your life deserve it.
I think I fixed it.
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NESRIN: They were sleeping here.
JOHN: Oh.
-(INDISTINCT MUMBLING) -JOHN: I think I got him.
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JOHN: Seabiscuit.
Madame Bovary.
Madame Blavatsky.
Abraham Lincoln.
Johnny Unitas.
-Vince Lombardi. -(PLATE CLATTERS)
JOHN: Mary Magdalene.
Jesus.
And Jesus again.
That's beautiful.
I wonder I should maybe send them to the Smithsonian
or something.
What am I gonna do with them?
(RAIN PATTERING)
(DOG BARKING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
♪ ("ORANGE SUNSETS WITH OCTAVES" PLAYING) ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
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♪ ("ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS SOMETHING DELIGHTFUL" PLAYING) ♪
Once...
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time, there was something.
Once upon a time, there was something
that was...
No, I can't quite remember. Once upon a time,
there was something. It was...
It was kinda big.
Wait, once...
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time, there was something.
Once upon a time, there was something that was...
that was-- Oh, I'm not sure if I can remember this.
How it goes. Once upon a time...
Oh. Once upon a time... Oh, man.
Once upon a time, there was something.
It was something really-- It was quite beautiful.
It was delightful.
Yeah. Yeah, just imagine something delightful.
Once upon a time, there was something delightful.
Yeah. Okay, I'm okay with this. Hope you're okay with this.
Once upon a time there was something that was delightful.
Ah. That was good.
Ah. Ah. Ah.
Don't you think? We're okay now.
We're all right. We're okay.
I am going back to sleep. See you.
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JOHN: Next time, on Painting with John...
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