1 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:16,479 # Baby, baby, baby B-B-B-B-B-Baby, baby, baby... # 2 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,359 Have you forgotten the words? No, them's the words, baby. 3 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:20,999 HE LAUGHS 4 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,639 So, how you enjoying your last few weeks of school, Prim? 5 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,959 I'm experiencing a kaleidoscope of emotions. 6 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,119 Oh, yeah, I bet. 7 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,359 All that time at school. I left at 12. 8 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,159 Midday? What did you do in the afternoons? 9 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:34,079 Ah! Sharp as a lemon. Forgot how grown up you was. 10 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,639 Those boys in your class, y'know, ain't half gonna miss you. 11 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,439 And I'll miss them. Yeah. 12 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,400 But I'm done with boys. I'm ready for a man. 13 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,640 Where did that come from? 14 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,240 BEEPS HORN 15 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,800 Thanks, Pop. Bye-bye, Prim. 16 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:09,679 # Well, you may go to college And you may go to school... # 17 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,560 BICYCLE BELL RINGS 18 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,239 Hey, Ma. 19 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,439 Primrose! 20 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,120 Anything happening in the village? 21 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,759 Yes. A beautiful prince passed through, 22 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,879 and then he went on his way, never to be seen again. 23 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,879 Well, that happens a lot in the village. 24 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,159 PRIM LAUGHS 25 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,319 What's your massive brain full of this morning? 26 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,999 My future. I don't know what I want to do with my life. 27 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,359 I'd say just enjoy that feeling. 28 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,759 You're 18, you don't need to make any big plans. 29 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,959 That said, shouldn't you be going to college? 30 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,639 Take at me and Pop - self-taught, brilliantly, 31 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,279 but I can't tell Proust from a box of spanners. 32 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,719 PRIM LAUGHS Everyone's expecting you to go. 33 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,319 Mm, the head begged me to, 34 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,199 to help raise the school's number of pupils who've gone to university. 35 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,319 Raise it to what? One. Me. 36 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,359 Well, get yourself up to Oxford, 37 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,199 become the first ever Larkin to go to university, 38 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,479 and show off a bit. THEY LAUGH 39 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,639 There is a poet called Philip Larkin. 40 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,159 Any relation? 41 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,759 He doesn't remind me of Pop, let's put it that way. 42 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,080 Hm. 43 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,199 I think I love it here too much. 44 00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,759 Well... 45 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,799 Course, Pop and I, we'd rather that you stayed around. 46 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,200 But you've never been one to take our advice, have you? 47 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,159 You sure you want to pull it down? 48 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,079 Oh, yeah. It's cheaper than fixing it up, Ivor. 49 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,959 I'd rather share the land out anyway, y'know, 50 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,759 give a few acres to Mariette and Charley. 51 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,759 Right, I'll be back with some jelly. 52 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,559 Jelly? I want to flatten it, not make a trifle. 53 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,520 POP LAUGHS 54 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,519 Oh, hello. Who's this? 55 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,919 How can I help you, my darling? 56 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,319 Are you the proprietor? I certainly am. 57 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,359 Good afternoon, I'm Pinkie. 58 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:44,599 Oh, aren't you just?! 59 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,519 I love your house. 60 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,319 I took the liberty of perusing it earlier, 61 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,519 after a rude vicar told me it was unoccupied. 62 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:52,520 Oh, yeah, we're pulling it down. 63 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:54,719 But you can't! 64 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,319 Well, I've been trying to find the time to do it all year. 65 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,239 But Mr Jerebohm and I have been looking 66 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,039 for a country house for months, and this place dovetails magically. 67 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,879 Except it is falling down. 68 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,159 Then we'll prop it up. 69 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,159 I adore the countryside! Yeah, it's good, innit? 70 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,799 I have a couple of tearaways who would love to call this place home, 71 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,319 if you're prepared to sell it? 72 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,999 Well, I, er... 73 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,480 Please, you have to sell it to me! 74 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,120 Oh, look, my husband. He'll persuade you. 75 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,560 KNOCKING AT DOOR 76 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,439 Oh! H-Hello, Vicar. 77 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,919 I thought you might have collapsed inside the house. 78 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,359 Why would I do that? 79 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,799 Because you weren't answering, 80 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,959 and the Dean said you're a bit of a worry, and need help. 81 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,040 HE GROWLS SOFTLY 82 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:11,719 It's a lovely area. 83 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,759 I took a bicycle... Stop talking! 84 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,359 Who are you, and what the hell are you doing here? Talk now! 85 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,479 The diocese have sent you letters about me. 86 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,519 I can't spend all day opening letters. 87 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,359 Oh, so you're not expecting me. 88 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,679 I'm Reverend Candy. 89 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,959 I'm here to join you at the parish. 90 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,760 I don't need another vicar. 91 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,240 Well, you've got one. Isn't that exciting? 92 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,279 Mr Jerebohm loves it! 93 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,039 Oh, seen a lot of places? Sixty-three. 94 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,399 And this place just dovetails with our needs, doesn't it? 95 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,319 How much? Needs a lot of work. 96 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,319 You'll end up hating it. Oh, for God's sake, man, 97 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,400 stop your tiresome games and name your price. 98 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,639 Nineteen thousand. JEREBOHM COUGHS 99 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,319 Do you like the countryside, or is it just Pinkie here? 100 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,639 I... He loves it. 101 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,879 I'll stretch to £12,000. 102 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:06,599 Oh, well, in that case you must find yourself a house worth £12,000. 103 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,799 More. Add more money. 104 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,039 Did I mention around these parts no-one ever dies? 105 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,199 It's in the air, you see. 106 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,199 They live forever, a bit like tortoises. 107 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,679 WHISPERS: Tortoises? 108 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,959 £15,000 is my final offer. 109 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,519 No, I can get more from the demolition rats, you see. 110 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,319 My builder, Big Ivor, 111 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,759 he's round the back with a bag of gelignite. 112 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,359 Darling, you're rather undermining my negotiating power. 113 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:30,839 Well, what do you want me to do? 114 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,919 Pretend it's a pile of crap and I hate it? 115 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,799 You could err on that side, yes. OK. 116 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,479 A bloke from Birmingham, 117 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,199 he offered me £1,000 for the wood panelling alone. 118 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,199 Same for the big window at the front. 119 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,399 Don't mind me, I'm just making conversation. 120 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,679 I'm worried about getting staff. Will they be available? 121 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:48,880 Oh, yeah, yeah. 122 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,560 Fifteen and a half. 123 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,679 Seventeen thousand, cash, 124 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,399 and I will take a "yes" or a "goodbye". 125 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,079 Cash? 126 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,760 I never trust money I can't bury. 127 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,919 SHE MEWLS PLAINTIVELY 128 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,359 Yes. 129 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,640 SHE SQUEALS 130 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,879 Shall we celebrate with a bit of wet? 131 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,199 Bit of what? 132 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,039 A bit of wet. Drinks. 133 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,759 Oh, no, couldn't possibly. I'm on a very strict diet. 134 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,080 Pills and celery. 135 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,999 Room. 136 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,559 Another room. 137 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,080 Some sort of cupboard. 138 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,719 Do you have a cleaner? Possibly inexperienced, or blind? 139 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,199 I prefer to save money and do it myself. Really? 140 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,959 It's such a big house. 141 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,080 Is it? I never go upstairs. 142 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,199 Oh, my God! 143 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,080 Yeah, this room could probably do with a clean. 144 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,479 I need to eat every hour. Me too, otherwise I feel faint. 145 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,079 Yeah, pills and celery, my derriere. 146 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,879 That's a recipe for sadness. 147 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,479 Still, they made us an offer we could not refuse. 148 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,079 We'll have to tell Mariette and Charley 149 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,119 we'll find 'em some land nearby. 150 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:27,679 Yeah, we'll slip Mariette a grand for her birthday next month. 151 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,559 Y'know, start her off nice. Where are they now? 152 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,439 Still on the Italian Riviera. They're heading to Greece next. 153 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,239 How long are honeymoons supposed to last? 154 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,079 Well, till the money runs out, or they get homesick, I suppose, 155 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,799 or... till they realise the marriage was a big mistake. 156 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,319 That is in such poor taste. Not funny. 157 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:44,399 Outrageous. 158 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,799 I'm joking! Blimey O'Reilly. 159 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,319 So, what are our new neighbours like? 160 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,759 Bit sprauncy. 161 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,559 Erm, she's called Pinkie, cos she always dresses in pink. 162 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:52,599 Nutter. Yeah. 163 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,799 And her old man, Mr Jerebohm, he works in the city, 164 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:56,919 he's got a face to match. 165 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:00,759 They're both gonna have to learn to kick off their shoes - 166 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,119 and anything else that chafes - 167 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,839 and surrender to the power of the great outdoors. 168 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,599 Yeah, they'll soon soften up after use - or sell up. 169 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,159 Got a couple of nippers, apparently. 170 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,439 How much profit did you make? Trade secret, you bold girl. 171 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,919 Let's just say we doubled our money in a year. 172 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,079 Ahem. 173 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,039 They're not gonna like it if they find out. 174 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,639 Spend it on a camel. 175 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,919 Actually, that is top of our list. 176 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,959 Is it? No! 177 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,600 We're gonna put it in the bank. 178 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,800 LAUGHTER 179 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,599 I've got an idea. 180 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,719 And this is gonna blow your socks off. 181 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:42,479 Right, stand by for one of my best, and I've had some stunners. 182 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,279 Speak! 183 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,519 A swimming pool. 184 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,199 GIGGLING 185 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,639 Ooh! Yeah. 186 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,079 And not just for us, but for all our pals, an' all. 187 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,880 I'm gonna cry. Great! 188 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,840 CRASH 189 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,599 I love it when a new family moves in. 190 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,559 Yes, it's terrific news. 191 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,599 There'll be more people like us in the village. 192 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,839 How are they like you? 193 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,079 A prosperous city commuter 194 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,959 and his solid middle-class housewife wife. Ring any bells? 195 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,399 Oh, I'm more than a solid housewife wife. 196 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,599 But, er, we can discuss that later. 197 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,559 They've already thrown a fortune at the house, 198 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,079 builders round the clock. 199 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,399 And I hear a golden lavatory was delivered. 200 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,239 I don't know what to say. 201 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,759 Ah, my favourite people! 202 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,759 Talking to Alec and Norma. 203 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:50,559 That's a howler you lot have made, 204 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,319 selling Bluff Court to the Jerebohms. 205 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,919 Oh, why's that, Alec? 206 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,359 Obviously, they're your social superiors. 207 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,959 What's that actually mean, Norma? 208 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,039 Let us put it in words you'll understand. 209 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,960 You're like jackals living next to a pride of lions. 210 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,799 Well, in this fairy tale animal hierarchy of yours, 211 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,000 what does that make you two? 212 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,359 Well, I suppose we're, erm... Dung beetles? 213 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,199 No, we're not dung beetles. Bats? 214 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,199 I'm thinking turkeys. 215 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,359 LAUGHTER 216 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,839 Stop them comparing us to ugly animals, Alec! 217 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,279 Oh, talking of ugly, have you seen the vicar's new young reverend? 218 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,479 We don't go to church much, what with... not wanting to. 219 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,239 So, was he hard on the eyes, Edith? Bag-over-the-head job? 220 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,879 LAUGHTER No, he's very handsome. 221 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,599 Looks like an angel. Cycling fanatic. 222 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,799 He hasn't taken any services yet. 223 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,519 Tragically, I think he might not last the week, 224 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,599 what with the vicar being how he is. 225 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,799 Blunt. Flies buzzing round him. 226 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,999 Yes, I'm told the vicarage is very dirty. 227 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,879 You don't walk through the house. 228 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,399 You wade! LAUGHTER 229 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,599 I'm just... 230 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:53,760 Yep. 231 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:05,880 Good morning. 232 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,719 I'm new here. Don't be alarmed. 233 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,479 Yes. I'm so glad you haven't already left. 234 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,719 Why would I leave? 235 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,279 VICAR: Never open the door, it'll only be lunatics! 236 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,600 Or the poor. Oh, yes, there, there is that. 237 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,239 I just wanted to say hello 238 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,599 and assure you that we are a vibrant and spiritual village. 239 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,159 And very loving. 240 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,199 Don't let anyone in, I'm not decent. 241 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,600 He really isn't. 242 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,479 Well, thank you. 243 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,839 Anyway, I'm Primrose Larkin. Miss. 244 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,439 Reverend Candy. 245 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,999 And... 246 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,480 Good. 247 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,719 I look forward to seeing you in church, if not before. 248 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,400 Indeed. 249 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,360 HE CHUCKLES 250 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,640 Oh, what a dinky little shop. 251 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,199 Let's get this over with. 252 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,959 Good day to you. You must be the Jerebohms. 253 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,199 How do you know that? 254 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,319 Of course they know that. We live in the big house. 255 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,239 I am the headmistress of the village school. 256 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,399 I highly recommend it for your two children. 257 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,839 No, we don't believe in state education. 258 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,079 But we do very well. 259 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,559 Take Primrose Larkin, whose parents owned your house. 260 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,719 She achieved three As at A level. 261 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,079 You see, in our experience, 262 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,959 it isn't how clever or hard-working you are, 263 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,039 it's who you know. Isn't that wrong? 264 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,479 No, we like it, as a system. 265 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,320 Hello. Alec and Norma Norman. 266 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,999 Hello. 267 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,719 In fact, all the Larkins are special. 268 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,279 And Mr Larkin in particular is ludicrously attractive. 269 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,359 Oh, yes, we were thinking of having them over 270 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,519 for a dinner party, to show off all our improvements. 271 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,719 We'll be there, the Normans. 272 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,079 We're your sort of people. 273 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,919 When is it? I'll put it in my diary. 274 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,439 You're not invited. 275 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,399 Does anybody know of a local girl 276 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,279 who could help us with catering events? 277 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,559 Berndt does all our catering and child-minding, 278 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,599 but he's bad with people. 279 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,640 Touch me again, and I'll have the law on you! 280 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,239 It's OK, we're going steady. 281 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,640 Well, kind of. One day at a time. 282 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,160 SHE GIGGLES 283 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,279 Don't act stupid. 284 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,200 They're from London, so they'll be all sophisticated. 285 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,439 What? 286 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,639 We're from the farm just over the way. 287 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:46,959 Came to say hello. 288 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,919 You don't know anyone yet, 289 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,719 so do you want to go out and do stuff? 290 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,239 We know all the kids in the village. 291 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,600 We can show you some otters. 292 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,119 Why would WE spend time with YOU? 293 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,480 Bog off. 294 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,160 SCREAMING, WAILING 295 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,000 You try to be cordial. 296 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,440 Hey up, Ma. High society. 297 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,039 Drive your own motor, you nitwits. 298 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,599 Takes all sorts, Ma. Come on. 299 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,199 Oh, no, you're right. 300 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,999 I'm gonna hire my own full-time... hat-maker. 301 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,879 Oh, now you're talking. I'll have a magician. 302 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,039 Oh, that'll be nice. I'm gonna have... Hello! 303 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,959 Hello, Larkins. 304 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,599 We should put your Roller with ours, see if they make a baby. 305 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,319 It's very fecund, is Larkin Farm. 306 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,239 Nice to meet you. We haven't talked properly. 307 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,959 Exactly, and that's why we'd love to invite you over for din-dins, 308 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,639 wouldn't we, dear? Yes. 309 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,999 Oh, din-dins, yeah. We never say no to din-dins, do we, Ma? 310 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,759 No, never knowingly no to din-dins, no. 311 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,959 Seven-thirty tomorrow. Good. 312 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,120 POP CHUCKLES 313 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,160 PINKIE CHUCKLES, GEESE SQUAWK 314 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,719 What are they doing here? 315 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,360 Inviting us to din-dins. 316 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,560 Family of berks. 317 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,920 Language! 318 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,359 Still, must do our duty if we're invited. 319 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,079 This looks lovely. Maybe I should wear this more often. 320 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,879 Do the washing up in it. Yeah, beautiful. 321 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,039 That is raw sexuality, that is, right there. 322 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,800 SHE LAUGHS 323 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,240 Hey. 324 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:00,919 Ooh! Hello, trouble. 325 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,800 Good evening, and welcome to Bluff Court. 326 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,560 Run for your life, it's gonna be grim. 327 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,480 POP LAUGHS 328 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,439 How are you enjoying the peace and tranquillity? 329 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,079 We love it. Dream come true. 330 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,720 Yeah, very powerful, silence. 331 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,120 Sorry to interrupt the banter. 332 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,960 I hope everyone likes prawn cocktail. 333 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:13,519 Shall I stay while you eat that, or come back in a couple of seconds? 334 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,759 Stay. 335 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,319 Ruff! 336 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,119 MA CHUCKLES 337 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:19,759 How's your diet going, Mrs Jerebohm? 338 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,999 Smashing. Although I'm taking the evening off. 339 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,959 Yeah, have a blow-out. 340 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,319 We put quality over quantity. 341 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,760 We like a bit of both. 342 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,359 Yes, so... 343 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,320 Do you... have any pets? 344 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,759 Nah, it's a working farm. We love our animals, you know. 345 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,480 Take care of 'em, and then... eat 'em. 346 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,520 PINKIE CHUCKLES That's very droll, well done. 347 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,359 It's a shame our children didn't hit it off, isn't it? 348 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,519 Yes. Mine want me to sue yours for assault. 349 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,119 Kids, eh? In my day, we'd have a scrap, 350 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,199 then have a cry, then we'd be pals for life. 351 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,999 Really? What a super system. POP CHUCKLES 352 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,519 Or it got worse and worse until someone got badly hurt. 353 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,920 MA LAUGHS 354 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,759 KNOCK AT DOOR 355 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,879 Oh, is it the cavalry with a loaf of bread? 356 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,599 POP LAUGHS Are you handing that wine round, 357 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,239 or making it last till Harvest Festival? 358 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:21,039 Evening, we were just passing. Alec Norman. 359 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:24,079 And Norma... Norman. Norma Norman. 360 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,879 Proud housewife. HE CHUCKLES 361 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,799 As you can see, we're entertaining. 362 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,519 Not a problem, we are also entertaining! 363 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:30,679 THEY LAUGH 364 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,359 Shall I call the police? What?! 365 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,639 No, don't. 366 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,079 Look, we're people like you. 367 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,679 We're completely solvent. 368 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,039 We'd make excellent friends. 369 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,399 No, I don't think so. 370 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,919 ALEC GRUNTS 371 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,999 We've prepared some anecdotes! 372 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,799 You must come to our house, then! 373 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,959 Get off me! Get your hands off me! 374 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,439 Get off my suit! Ow! 375 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,120 DOOR SLAMS 376 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:57,760 Ah. 377 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,360 Blimey, and they say splitting the atom takes some doing. 378 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,799 Let's face it, we've turned your sow's ear into a silk purse. 379 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,399 Well done. You wouldn't say that if you'd worked with pigs. 380 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,639 Wise animals - with gorgeous lugholes. 381 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,759 Spoken like a country bumpkin. 382 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,919 Spoken like a pri... Easy, tiger. 383 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,440 ..ckly city type. 384 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,119 The panelling that you said was worth £1,000 385 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,399 is full of woodworm. 386 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,039 Oh. Well, we appreciate your honesty, 387 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,360 but they're yours to keep. 388 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,079 Ah, the gaiety. 389 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,319 Hm, yeah, it's a big old project. 390 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,199 I warned you off it, 391 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,279 but if you love it like you said you do, 392 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,999 then, er, you'll enjoy it, won't you? 393 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,319 But you took advantage of our good faith and generosity 394 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,959 and wildly overcharged us, 395 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,719 so we want a substantial rebate of our purchase price. 396 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,999 That is why we've been summoned to the big house. 397 00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,799 Do you wanna take this, or shall I? 398 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,759 After you, Ma. 399 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,679 You bought the house as seen, 400 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,119 flashing your cash to make your Pinkie happy. 401 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,999 If you'd sold us the house, 402 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,159 would you be giving us the money back? 403 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,599 CHUCKLES 404 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,200 Answers on a postcard, please, ladies and gentlemen. 405 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,919 JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS 406 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,360 WOMAN ON TV: 'Oh, that's a super hover.' 407 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,039 SHE INCREASES VOLUME 408 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,160 MUSIC CONTINUES 409 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:05,079 Reverend Candy, you dance, I might say, divinely. 410 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,599 AS CANDY: "Not as well as you, you gorgeous thing. 411 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,880 "Though I love you equally for your mind. 412 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,640 "Are we completely alone?" 413 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,639 Completely. The children wanted to sleep in the barn. 414 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,160 I love your dog collar. Is it made of ivory? 415 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,679 Two shillings for you to not tell anyone. 416 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,960 OK. 417 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:44,639 I never thought I was gonna feel sorry for Alec and Norma. Nor me! 418 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,559 So, I'm gonna jump in 419 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,759 and say the Jerebohms are a living nightmare. 420 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,239 No, Ma, I love 'em! 421 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,799 From their massive portions to their easy bonhomie (!) 422 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,559 I can't see 'em hanging around down here for long, can you? 423 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,439 And Pinkie's enthusiasms obviously last about ten minutes. 424 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,239 We'll see, won't we? Yeah. 425 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,319 What're we gonna have when we get in? 426 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,679 Half a goose each and a bottle of Champagne in the bath? 427 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:06,999 I should cocoa. 428 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,719 Ooh, hello. 429 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,999 Evening, all. Good evening. 430 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,439 Oh, you must be our rev's new chap. 431 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,199 I am. 432 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,119 I just... needed a little break from him. 433 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,159 Yeah, he's a rough diamond, the vic, in't he? 434 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,879 Well, he's rough, anyway. 435 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,559 Ma and Pop Larkin. 436 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,559 Ah, yes, I met your... 437 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,799 Erm, Reverend Ian Candy. 438 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,119 May I say, your name suits you. 439 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,719 Thank you. 440 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,239 So, how are you and the vic gonna divvy up the work, then? 441 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,519 Well, it seems the plan is for me to do... everything. 442 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:41,520 Yes, we thought he might suggest something like that. 443 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,360 MURMURS: Bless me, Rev, for I have sinned... 444 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,759 Phil, what shape shall we make the pool? 445 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,999 Oh, look, come here. Come here. Come here. Move. Move. 446 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,879 Come here, look. No, look at thi... What about this? Phil? 447 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,599 What about Mount Everest? 448 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,719 GUNSHOTS 449 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,039 HORSE WHINNIES 450 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:24,800 GUNSHOTS CONTINUE 451 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,600 GUNSHOTS CONTINUE 452 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:41,680 GUNSHOTS CONTINUE 453 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,759 GUNSHOTS CONTINUE 454 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:14,879 Well, it's disappointing. 455 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,760 Do we think they're trying to make a point? Just a bit. 456 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,479 Hello, Prim. Hello. 457 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:22,759 GUNSHOT 458 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,079 They're STILL doing that! Haven't they heard of reading? 459 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,319 Ah, they can let off steam, then we'll see how the land lies. 460 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:29,960 They're not doing anything illegal. 461 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,119 Well, last week of school, my Larkin-in-oes. 462 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,879 New vic's comin' in. 463 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,159 Vic-AR, please. Bit of respect for the Reverend Candy. 464 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,079 Ma likes him, cos he's a pretty boy, apparently. 465 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,959 Oh, talking about me again? How awkward. 466 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,479 Still, good looks brings great responsibility. 467 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:48,679 GUNSHOTS 468 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,359 Ignore it. They'll have had enough soon. 469 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,479 It'll be summink quiet next week, like nudism. 470 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,199 ALL: Eurgh... 471 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,760 GUNSHOTS 472 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,359 GUNSHOT Argh! 473 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,999 One more shot and I'm gonna do something I regret! 474 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,160 GUNSHOT, SHE SCREAMS 475 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,280 GUNSHOTS 476 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,040 RATTLING 477 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,080 GUNSHOTS 478 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,080 SMASHING 479 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,560 GUNSHOT 480 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:49,479 It's getting boring. We need living creatures to kill. 481 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,079 We've scared them all off, Blanche. Buy some, Daddy. 482 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,600 Yes. 483 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,200 Just coming. 484 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,999 Morning, Mr Larkin. Edith! 485 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,039 Come on in, we're swimming in kedgeree. 486 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:15,759 Thank you, but my stomach is in knots. 487 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:16,919 GUNSHOT, SHE GASPS 488 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,839 Oh, yeah, that. It gets on your wick, don't it? 489 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,079 I tried ear-plugs, 490 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,319 but I have unusual ears and everything falls out - 491 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,119 family trait, one of many misfortunes. 492 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,679 Well, relax, Edith. With any luck, 493 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,799 they'll accidentally shoot each other dead. 494 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,199 I'm not sure I'll last that long, and I hear the Chands... 495 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,359 GUNSHOT, SHE GASPS ..are contemplating suicide too. 496 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:38,640 Oh. Well, come on. Let's take a walk, then. 497 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,759 Whoa, whoa. Hello! Can I just interrupt your ritual slaughter? 498 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,359 If you're quick. 499 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,759 Mr Larkin, please don't complain about the noise. 500 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:53,999 This is our new passion. 501 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,239 We're bonkers for gunning things down. 502 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,479 No, Pinkie, you're gonna have to shout - 503 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,479 me ears have gone, so's Miss Pilchester's. 504 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,199 How's it been, Edith? Absolutely ghastly. 505 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:04,679 Just be like normal folk 506 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,919 and shoot for a couple of hours a day. 507 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,719 We'll do what we fancy, thank you. 508 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:10,879 Your kids started it. 509 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,839 But we're using real guns, because we're richer. 510 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:15,119 OK, couple of things there. 511 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:18,319 First - you're an odd child, got to find some friends. 512 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:22,639 Second - I asked you nicely, but you're shooting without licences 513 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,879 and out of season, using a purveyor of dodgy birds, 514 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,119 all due respect, Vivian. Pop. 515 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:30,159 Why would I listen to a hillbilly like you? 516 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,999 Oh, I'm gonna shoot someone myself if this rudeness continues. 517 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,759 Just, just take some advice: I know you're using real guns, 518 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,479 but in case you dozed off during the war, 519 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:39,799 they can put a hole in your head. 520 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:42,039 Don't say that. Don't be ridiculous. 521 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:43,639 SHOT, GRUNT 522 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,879 Whoops (!) Oh, dear. 523 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,079 Cheers, Viv. Cheers, Pop. 524 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,280 Come on, get up. Stop it! 525 00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:00,240 Of course we'll be friends for ever, Robin. 526 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,919 Don't cry. Settle down, children. 527 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,999 Or should I say... young adults. 528 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,439 GIGGLING 529 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,919 You've seen and heard enough of me over the last dozen years, 530 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,119 so let me introduce you to someone new. 531 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,160 Hello, everyone. I'm Reverend Candy. 532 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,720 What's the matter? Nothing. Sorry. I'm... 533 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:29,119 I was still studying last year, at vicar school, 534 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,399 and I don't feel much older than you. 535 00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:34,119 So you may be thinking: "Why should I listen to you?" 536 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:35,440 We're not thinking that. 537 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:38,639 Um, where was I? 538 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,440 You were talking... beautifully. 539 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:42,800 Thank you. 540 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:50,319 It's quietened down, but I don't see it lasting. 541 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:51,799 No. 542 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:55,319 The blood-curdling teenager and her Daddy ain't the happy kind. 543 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:59,919 And Pinkie is as daft as a rabbit in March. 544 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:01,559 Daft? 545 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,439 Or as unhappy as him? Eh? 546 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,079 Her husband does her bidding. 547 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,199 It's all about status with him. 548 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,399 He's got the big house in the country, 549 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:14,080 and he wants to keep hold of the pretty wife. 550 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:19,120 I'll have a go at winning her over. Woman to woman. 551 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:23,480 After all... 552 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,720 ..how different can two people be, under the surface? 553 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,200 Hello. 554 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:38,439 Oh, hello. Brought a snack for the journey? 555 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:40,439 CHUCKLES 556 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:42,959 No, I've brought a selection of produce for you, 557 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,200 in case you relax your dietary rules. 558 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,959 I know our families haven't been getting along. 559 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,639 But how about you and me - we show 'em how it's done. 560 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:54,639 Well, I, erm, keep myself on a very tight leash. 561 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,919 My husband's scared I'll balloon. 562 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:58,519 And what do you think? 563 00:30:58,520 --> 00:30:59,880 I, erm... 564 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,840 Well, they've gone up to town, so... 565 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:11,600 Mmm... Mmm! 566 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:15,319 Are you all right there? 567 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,360 Yes. Don't look at me. 568 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:23,159 OK. Mmm... 569 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:27,759 We don't need to be the same, or even good friends, 570 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:32,240 but we share a community, and a small wound can fester. 571 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:35,919 The wound isn't of our making. 572 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,639 We can't sell the house without making a big loss, 573 00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,560 which Mr Jerebohm can't abide, so we're stuck down here. 574 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,039 So all this shooting is revenge? 575 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,839 How could you think that?! 576 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:48,759 We ADORE shooties, 577 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:52,399 especially my crazy husband and my slightly disturbing daughter. 578 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,160 Violence can be so cleansing, don't you think? 579 00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,119 To be honest... 580 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:01,159 I think you'd all be better off having a lie-down 581 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,160 amongst the daisies and the sunflowers. 582 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,800 SHE SCOFFS 583 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,599 After 30 years in education, I thought I was used to noise. 584 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,759 Me, too. Ditto, ditto, ditto, army, ditto, ditto, ditto. 585 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:26,479 The same way I've got used to children wetting themselves. 586 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:30,999 If I had a pound for every wet patch, I'd be a happy woman. 587 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,359 But the shooting was driving us mad. 588 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:35,479 Well, Pop's done his best to stop 'em, 589 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:36,799 but it's all gonna blow up. 590 00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:39,479 They say the countryside's quiet, but actually, 591 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,439 it's full of noise, isn't it? 592 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,719 Birds, and crickets, 593 00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:45,319 and cows... Very true, Libby. 594 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:47,599 Tractors. People whistling. 595 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:50,680 Oh, the bells! That's enough noisy things now. 596 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,559 Good evening, everyone. Oh, good evening. Hello. 597 00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,359 Hi. Evening. 598 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,679 Let me get everyone a drink. 599 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,199 Oh! Ah! You're so lovely! 600 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:06,239 So... three holy waters on the rocks? 601 00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,280 LAUGHTER 602 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:12,960 I'm still in charge here. 603 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:22,079 It might seem a bit cocky, Ivor, but it's more fun than rectangular. 604 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:23,839 The shape of your head? 605 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,919 Yeah, look, look! 606 00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:28,480 See? 607 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:34,039 What's up? Too big-headed for you, is it? 608 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:36,799 GUNSHOTS 609 00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:38,639 We could empty the earth over 'em. 610 00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:42,280 Don't tempt me, Ivor. I'm going to sort this out. 611 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:45,880 Pull! 612 00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:58,800 Pull! 613 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:06,160 FLURRY OF GUNSHOTS 614 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:25,999 Where's Ma? Village. 615 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,799 Where's Pop? 616 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,199 Sorting out our peculiar neighbours once and for all. 617 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:32,839 Where's... Mariette and Charley? 618 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:34,719 Getting on a ferry in Brindisi. 619 00:34:34,720 --> 00:34:37,359 The twins are probably in the barn re-staging their wedding, 620 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:40,319 Oscar's asleep, Victoria's stripping a lawnmower... 621 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:44,039 Ta. ..and I'm in emotional turmoil because I'm missing Mariette 622 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:47,040 and I wish she was here to help me decide what to do. 623 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:51,880 Can I help? 624 00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:00,519 I'm about to leave school, 625 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:03,159 so this feels like a pivotal moment in my life, 626 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:06,800 and I am going to be brave and modern in everything that I do. 627 00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:14,880 Starting today. 628 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:25,960 GUNSHOTS 629 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:31,639 Morning, Norma, Alec. Good morning. 630 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,479 What have you been buying - ear plugs? 631 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,439 You two never disappoint, do you? 632 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,879 There's a world of light and joy out there, 633 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:41,840 and you always seek the darkness. 634 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:46,999 Oh, shut up. 635 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:48,759 I was actually feeling sorry for you 636 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,359 after our neighbours' unfortunate dinner party. 637 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,879 Well, for all their faults, I'm glad to see the Jerebohms 638 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,319 are taking on you Larkins, as I predicted. 639 00:35:56,320 --> 00:36:00,039 Good luck living next door to all that shooting. 640 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,079 SHE CHUCKLES 641 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:05,120 Very, very good, Norma. Thank you. 642 00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:13,280 Pull. 643 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:25,399 I'm bored. I want to shoot something dead. 644 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,599 Yes, well, I tried, wumpit, but nobody will supply us 645 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,919 with any of those... grouses, or whatever they're called. 646 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:35,719 RUSTLING, GROWLING 647 00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:37,639 It's a big one. SNARLING 648 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:38,799 Big what? 649 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,639 How would I know? I'm from Knightsbridge. 650 00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:42,720 GRUNTING 651 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,760 WHIMPERING 652 00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:55,360 Argh...! 653 00:36:57,600 --> 00:36:59,879 I'm sure it's just a flesh wound. 654 00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:01,920 Don't look back. All right, Daddy. 655 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,519 Oh, hello again. Hello there. 656 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,839 Do you want to see the vicar? He's just gone... 657 00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:21,839 Why would I want to see him when you're on the premises? 658 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,239 It was nice to see you at your leaver's event. 659 00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:26,999 I hadn't realised you were still at school. 660 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,119 Well, that was rather the point of it. 661 00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,119 In 24 hours, I won't be at school, 662 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:33,719 and I was wondering, Ian, 663 00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:36,359 if you'd like to go to the pictures with me? 664 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:39,119 Thank you, but I'm afraid I really can't. 665 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:40,919 Oh... 666 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:43,319 Are you rushed off your feet? Please say yes. 667 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:45,359 Yes, but that's not the reason. 668 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:46,480 Oh, right. 669 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,479 You have a girlfriend. I'm sorry, I should have checked, but... 670 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,119 No, no, I don't have a girlfriend. 671 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,159 Do you not... want one? Yes, but... 672 00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:58,279 I've only just taken on the job, so that should have priority. 673 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,440 Of course. Well, maybe when you've settled in a bit. 674 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:04,920 Or is there another reason? 675 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:07,759 You know... 676 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:09,280 you're very young. 677 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:16,759 Well, as I'm so young, let's watch Dumbo, shall we? 678 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,000 Or Snow White And The Seven Dwarves? Something I'll understand? 679 00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:37,439 Good afternoon, Officer. It's Constable, in fact. 680 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:40,359 Oh, is there a difference? Yes, about ten long, hard years. 681 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,559 Oh. 682 00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:44,199 Are you Mrs Jerebohm, of, er, this address? I am. 683 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:47,439 If you want my husband I will have to wake him, 684 00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:49,599 er, because he's been asleep for many hours. 685 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,719 We all have. 686 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:54,399 YAWNS LOUDLY Hello, Officer. 687 00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:57,079 I'll let that misclassification go. 688 00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:00,919 Now, have you or anyone in your household been using guns today, 689 00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:04,319 for recreational or other purposes? No. 690 00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:07,879 No, we USED to, but we gave it all up a few days ago 691 00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:09,279 because our neighbour Mr Larkin 692 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,719 suggested that the noise was causing a disturbance. 693 00:39:11,720 --> 00:39:13,080 Hmm. 694 00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:18,399 Right. Perhaps Mr Larkin's shot someone. 695 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,080 Who said anyone's been shot? 696 00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:27,959 Yes, there has been a serious shooting in the locality. 697 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,159 Gosh. Very upsetting. 698 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,519 Mm. 699 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:34,679 I'll return if I have any other enquiries. 700 00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:37,200 Mm. Good. 701 00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:42,160 YAWNING 702 00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:47,200 DOOR SHUTS 703 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,119 Listen - that's how it should be. 704 00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:58,639 And will be now. Thank you, PC Harness. 705 00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:01,119 Yeah, cool as a cucumber, not as green, after all. 706 00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:03,679 Well, going out with Pauline is quite nerve-wracking, 707 00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:05,679 so everything else seems simple now. 708 00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:08,039 THEY CHUCKLE 709 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:09,679 I'm appalled, though. 710 00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:12,559 For all they know, they've shot an innocent person. 711 00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:14,879 Yes, and killed him! 712 00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:17,120 How are you bearing up, General? 713 00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:25,960 GROWLING 714 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:33,960 GROANING 715 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:47,239 Sadly, I have experience of bloody battlefields, so... 716 00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:49,200 strangely emotional. 717 00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:54,039 Yeah, was a cruel trick, but now we know who we're dealing with. 718 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:56,759 Well done, Pauline. 719 00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:59,959 Mm, Brigadier, you drink mine - 720 00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:03,159 I've got half a dozen kids to attend to. 721 00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:04,759 See you, Ma. 722 00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:07,759 Let's hope that family are sitting there wondering 723 00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,200 what the hell they've done. 724 00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,040 Don't be late, Pop. 725 00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,079 What must I do with it? 726 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,359 I don't know, dump it in a disused quarry. 727 00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:23,959 Where is a disused quarry? 728 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,279 I DON'T KNOW! 729 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,919 I told you guns were bad. Did you listen? 730 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:29,159 I beg your pardon? 731 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:32,240 I TOLD YOU GUNS WERE BAD! DID YOU LISTEN? 732 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,079 KNOCKING AT DOOR 733 00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:52,199 Berndt, if that's the police, tell them we're out. 734 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:53,800 I'm sure that's illegal. 735 00:41:56,560 --> 00:41:58,479 Maybe we should hide. 736 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:00,160 I hate the countryside! 737 00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:03,119 Oh, God. It's you. 738 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,439 I wouldn't take that tone with me, given the trouble you seem to be in. 739 00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:07,959 What are you talking about? 740 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:09,679 I have my ear to the ground, 741 00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:11,799 and I hear you shot someone and nearly killed them. 742 00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:13,159 That's utter nonsense. 743 00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:18,079 It is. Because Pop Larkin and his cronies staged the shooting. 744 00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:20,119 I knew it! What do you mean, you knew it? 745 00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:23,079 If you knew it, why didn't you tell me? 746 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,880 Don't do that. 747 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:30,119 I love what you've done with the decor. Very swish. 748 00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:32,279 Thank you. You mean he fabricated an accident, 749 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:34,439 and we've destroyed thousands of pounds' worth 750 00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,519 of shooting equipment for no good reason? 751 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:38,080 Maddening, isn't it? 752 00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:44,919 # Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby 753 00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:47,320 # Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby... 754 00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:50,639 # Baby... 755 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:51,880 # Come on, baby 756 00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:55,640 # I wanna play house with you... 757 00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,159 # Oh, baby, baby, baby... # 758 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:01,679 How we doin?! 759 00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:05,519 I stayed in the public house to keep the General company, 760 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:10,039 as he had been shot several times earlier in the day. 761 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:12,600 SOBBING 762 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:16,440 Oh, I'll eat you in a minute. 763 00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:24,479 WHISPERS: What's going on? 764 00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:26,120 She'll be all right. 765 00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:31,759 What is it? He thinks I'm too young. 766 00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:35,719 She asked Reverend Candy out, and he turned her down. 767 00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:39,839 Oh, yeah, but well done for asking him, though, Primrose. 768 00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:42,319 I mean, we Larkins don't wait for stuff to happen, 769 00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,679 we MAKE things happen. 770 00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:47,560 Yeah, might not always work out, but we won't die wondering. 771 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:52,799 Thank you. And you know what? 772 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:54,919 I'm laying odds... 773 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,279 that the reverend will come round to you, Prim. 774 00:43:58,280 --> 00:44:02,039 Let's not lay bets on our daughter getting off with the new vicar, eh? 775 00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:03,759 PRIM GIGGLES 776 00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:06,160 Off to bed with you, pumpkin. 777 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:12,120 Last day of school tomorrow. 778 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:17,480 Oh... 779 00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:24,679 Ah, they're good kids. Yeah. 780 00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:26,520 Who are? 781 00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:34,000 Oh, I'm cross! Yes. Yes. 782 00:44:35,240 --> 00:44:39,520 In my experience, the best remedy for... crossness... 783 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:43,959 ..is, erm... Oh, stop sidling. That's the last thing I want. 784 00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,999 Yep. Sure. 785 00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:48,000 Misjudged the mood. 786 00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:52,279 They may have won the first skirmish... 787 00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:54,679 but we'll win the war. 788 00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:58,479 HUMS TUNE 789 00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:02,159 You know I've got nothing but a raging love for you, Pop. 790 00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:04,679 Oh, yeah? And I'm not in the habit of criticising you. 791 00:45:04,680 --> 00:45:06,839 Well, don't give up on that now, will you? 792 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:08,679 But we got greedy, Pop. 793 00:45:08,680 --> 00:45:10,759 We've sold to the wrong people. 794 00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:13,919 Yeah, but, Ma, look, we're stuck with the old Jelly-bohms now, 795 00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,919 aren't we, eh? So... 796 00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:18,279 we might as well make sure we come out on top. 797 00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:19,600 Know what I mean? 798 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,640 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com